The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[il...]]

Well,  I seem to be back to my ~85% baseline that I was at prior to the horrific 24hr period I had earlier this week so I'm thinking that it was indeed food poisoning.  I'm hoping that's what it was anyway.  We'll know if it happens again.  That's the problem with benzo withdrawal.  It's so up and down and that's partly what makes it so frustrating.  Would you agree?  Not knowing if you are healed or not just weighs on your mind so much.  Just waiting for another wave is so taxing.

 

Eric -- on my good days I'm still only at about 50%, maybe 60%. Enjoy it, bud!

[[an...]]

I have a strange fear guys and I just can't get it out of my mind the last 2 days. Please comment on your thoughts

 

since everyone says it's not linear I am so afraid I will develop akasthia or have a seizure. But I keep telling myself that those symptoms are so rare and usually reserved for high dose long term ct cases- I think??! So is it possible for me to develop those or is this just another scary obsessive thought? Please help.

 

I start my new therapist in 1 1/2 hours and I'm sure that is making me anxious too. I am bringing her some papers about this and if she is not open to it I will have to find another one. Cross your fingers for me!

[[il...]]

Ang rest easy, hun. The seizures are a symtpom for very acute. Look at my situation and I never even seized. It's the fear and paranoia, I guarantee it. Let us know how it goes with your therapist.

[[an...]]

I need more than one person to tell me this. It's like my mind won't let me believe it! So frustrating!

[[il...]]

I need more than one person to tell me this. It's like my mind won't let me believe it! So frustrating!

 

I'm sure someone else will jump on and confirm. Just try to relax. Look at my situation, if I didn't seize, I promise you that you won't. That threat is in acute. I promise you that.

 

This is the w/d speaking! Breathe. You got this girl!

[[Er...]]

Ang, You will not have a seizure so please know that.  Those generally happen right away.  I'm not aware of anyone that has been off for 3-4 months and suddenly had a benzo related seizure.  Your brain is already so much more healed than it was 3-4 months ago even if it may not feel like it.  Good luck!

[[an...]]

Ang, You will not have a seizure so please know that.  Those generally happen right away.  I'm not aware of anyone that has been off for 3-4 months and suddenly had a benzo related seizure.  Your brain is already so much more healed than it was 3-4 months ago even if it may not feel like it.  Good luck!

 

Does the same go for that scary akasthia stuff too?

 

I do feel a little better the way you said that thank you so much.

[[bj...]]

A new day is almost over. I was right. I did not get a second and a half window. But this day has not been as cruel as the former ones. That might mean that I'm seeing the start of the ending of this. Who knows?

 

I've done small things inside and outside the house, in a very slow tempo. Anxious about the future. I don't know how I shall use all my 'new' leisure time/spare time/'free' time (?). (What is the correct word?). How I shall fill all the hours during the days. Not working anymore is very difficult in this withdrawal time. I have made myself some plans for the future, but I don't know how to start doing new things yet. I just hope this will be easier when I feel better.

 

EricSS: Thank you for wishing me well on my next gig. I need that!

 

Ang: We have no choice. We just have to cling to the fact that this will end one day. I also find it very difficult to stay positive when having a wave. And: You wonder if it is your thoughts... I think nobody can answer that question. But we of course know that anxiety and depression is a mental thing. If we managed to turn off our thoughts, life would immediately get better. I know that is impossible for me at the time being.

If your new therapist knows what Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome is, or wants to learn about it, stay with him/her.

 

Pensioner : Yesterday I was energized. Not today. I'm in a kind of emptiness today. But I'm glad I'm not desperate like I was in my last wave.

I'm looking forward to hear you say that you feel better! It is extremely mentally exhausting to suffer all day.I know!

 

 

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Ang, Nope, from everything I've read you are beyond seizure risk at this point.

Beste, enjoy your next gig!

Pensioner, hoping you'll turn a corner soon.

 

Bennie

[[bj...]]

Hey, again!

 

My tinnitus is always much louder when I'm in a wave.

When having windows, I barely notice it.

Does any of you have comments on this? Or having the same thing?

 

 

 

[[an...]]

Bjesti- I think mine is louder in wave too. I've had it for many many years before benzos from being in war but quitting benzos made it so much louder. So I'm kind of used to this symptom but I definitely notice it's louder in wave.

[[Be...]]

Louder in wave. Deep thrumming both ears, and high whine left ear. Wavy now. 

[[pe...]]

Hi all:

 

Benniejets, thanks for the kind thought.  I would like to see a corner soon.  Doesn't seem to be happening. I am trying to get right with the idea this process may take longer than I had expected.

 

bjeste. Sorry to hear you are less energized, but happy that you are less panicked.  I had felt that way a week or so ago, as if I were getting on top of the process, but sadly not today.

 

ang1111  I don't know squat about the withdrawal process.  But I think you can believe the older and wiser heads on this site that you are not in danger of seizure or that other scary stuff that I can't spell.  How is the double vision?

 

Hello Eric and Illnever...Best to you both.

 

I am driving myself nuts thinking about whether I should try to fix a light switch.  I look at utube stuff; there are all these wires to worry about.  My head just won't hold it. I am not going to try it in this frame of mind.

 

My tinnitus starts when I lie down to sleep.  Sometimes when I wake in the night it is just howling.  Really strange.  Started long before this withdrawal.

[[il...]]

Hi back at you, pensioner.

 

I hope everyone had a relatively good day. Mine was relatively great. (Notice my use of the word 'relatively'?) At times it felt like I could literally feel my brain rearranging. Anxiety was very low - almost just a nervous feeling, which, I think is different from panicky anxiety. I even (finally) did my taxes! It took over an hour for 1 w2, but still. I came out of my taxes and experienced almost something like we do after "toxic naps", which I've experienced twice now, but it passed quickly. So, overall, a good day. 

 

Hey, guys -- we're one day closer to healed! Blessings to all! 

[[an...]]

pensioner1 good idea to wait. A light switch can wait for sure! The priority is you getting better.

 

I had a better evening than day.

 

Well, the therapist I went to was AMAZING! I've been without someone I can trust and talk to for probably 1 1/2 years and really needed one. When I finally scheduled an appointment with her last week I told her if she didn't understand anything about benzo w/d and recovery I wasn't comfortable seeing her. She told me she wasn't comfortable googling it but that I could bring some papers for her to read. I brought her the chapter from the Ashton manual on w/d symptoms, the letter that says "For Professionals" on the Recovery Road website (Baylissa Frederick), and the letter to doctors from Jennifer something, PsyD. She was so receptive and positive and I didn't even have to say anything. I think she google'd it and maybe talked to other EMDR therapists because she said the following:

 

"I understand its like your nervous system was shocked and you're stuck in fight or flight mode."

 

"You're living in your amygdala right now, all animal brain."

 

I cried that she understood that much! That's more than anyone I know besides you guys!

 

So we talked about how to proceed and she said she will talk to other therapists to make sure EMDR will help me with this trauma that ct/wd has caused. But first we will be focusing on calming down my nervous system. I cried again that that's exactly what I need right now and that she recognizes that. We are also going to focus on more coping techniques, we all know that's all I do ALL DAY anyway 

 

So basically, I cried almost the entire session that she HEARD me and SAW me. She understood without too much effort for me to make her understand. She asked for the papers I brought and I left them with her. I have 3 appointments scheduled once per week. So I left feeling very validated.

 

By the time I got to class I did have a weird "raw nerve" type feeling. I've never had that feeling or at least not in a long time. I felt a little more relaxed from crying but also sensitive again.

 

Also, I had class tonight and it was the calmest I've ever felt at school this entire semester.

 

I did Yoga, walked the dog, ate a healthy dinner and took an epsom salt bath. Time for BED! I hope I sleep better.

 

Goodnight buddies!

[[il...]]

Ang - that experience with the therapist sounds like it was awesome and that it will hopefully do tons for you. So happy for you! Congratulations!

[[an...]]

I have like 0 support. I'm single, no kids, my sister moved in to help me but doesn't help me and I don't talk to either one of my parents. Basically I've been doing life on my own for a very long time even though I'm only 36. So... a therapist is a support that I really really need right now!

 

Thank you!

[[bj...]]

Ang,

Now, 09.00 am, and I am at the bottom.

I just read your post about your new therapist. It touched me much. I will have a new pDoc  in two weeks, and I will show her your post and hope that I get the same response. I will also inform her about Heather Ashton, Jennifer Leigh +++.

My two former pD's have not been much interested.

Thank you again for sharing this!   

[[bj...]]

Ang, you have my deepest sympathy. I have wife and family. I should not complain. I don't, but this is a lonely situation anyway.

[[Er...]]

All, my tinnitus is also worse in a wave so you are not alone.

 

ang, I'm so happy that you found a Pdoc that will hopefully listen to you, is eager to learn about post benzo w/d, and genuinely sounds like she wants to help you.  I'm sorry that you aren't getting any other help from family.  That would be so tough.  I'm the same age as you and my wife has been my rock.  That makes it easier 99% of the time but also can sometimes make it harder because I hate what this ordeal has been doing to her as well.

 

illneverdothisagain, I'm glad you had a relatively good day. That's a lot better than a relatively bad day for sure!

 

 

My day was pretty good yesterday.  I felt good enough to go to the gym after work and do some weight lifting for the first time in a few months.  I ran a couple of miles on the treadmill on Saturday and felt pretty good afterwards (until I got food poisoning) so I figured I would give a medium intensity full body workout a shot.  I felt pretty good afterwards but had a muscle tick in my left triceps that lasted for a couple of hours.  Muscle ticks are the norm for me in w/d but this was was a bit more intense than most.  And then I had some pretty intense night sweats and was even hot into the morning and lightly sweating when I woke up this morning still.  I'm at work and have the fan on me because I still feel a little hot.  I did throw in some medium weight deadlifts which are super taxing on the CNS so I think I might have just overdone it a little for a first workout back.  I need to keep telling myself I'm not in the shape I was prior to my taper but it's hard to not press as hard to try and get back there.  I've maintained my weight throughout this whole process but it has definitely changed from muscle mass to fat  .  It's time to start changing that back!  Good luck all!

 

 

[[an...]]

You guys are sweet. This is hard alone but I'm making it. Sometimes I wish I had someone to go to the store for me when I get these bad periods of terror but then again I'm glad I don't have someone and have to make myself go as I think it's helping me heal faster. The pushing myself and going to school too. I even had to mow the lawn last week with pretty bad anxiety about it. But what can I do but take it one day at a time. We will all get to the same healing place, with or without support.

 

I don't think I woke up from sleep last night which is a first! I feel somewhat rested again! I have tons of homework to catch up on so you guys have as great a day as possible.

 

Bjesti- it's all in your approach. I told her and my psychiatrist that I don't need more diagnoses or medicine, I just need to be understood, listened to and time to heal. I told them my symptoms may mimic other disorders but that this is PAWS and time is the only healer. I brought those papers and a few others and didn't force them to take them but they both wanted them. It's all in your approach. Stay calm, speak nice and any good therapist or doc would listen. If they don't... Go find one that does listen.

[[be...]]

Hi Ang: I did a C/T off 13 mg of Xanax with no meds and did not have a seizure. You won't have one either.

[[an...]]

WOW that's a super high dose. Thank you bets. What about developing akasthia. Does that only happen at the beginning too?

[[il...]]

Sorry to hear that you're alone Ang. You sound like a very, very determined and strong person. I've nothing but faith. And you're right, you're probably healing faster than any of us because of all of the exposure.

[[an...]]

I didn't really mean it like I'm healing faster than you guys I meant it like I'm shocked at how fast own brain is healing. In January about 2 weeks in to wd I was convinced I was going to have to sell everything I owned to be put in a group home. I'm not kidding. I had the most horrific thoughts all day long couldn't sleep eat walk nothing. I was terrified. Then 2 weeks later, I'm sitting in school and somewhat able to do homework? Crazy. It's been hell don't underestimate that but I'm pretty shocked at how fast the brain does in fact heal itself. If we can heal from surgery why can't our brain heal too.