18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[so...]]

Siggy,

 

8.5 hours!!!!!  Very big deal!!!!!  Yay!!!!!

 

Okay, followed by a not so great night, but things are breaking up.  Next stop, a calm lake without waves.

 

Sofa

[[Si...]]

Thanks sofa, I really hope so. I'd just be happy to get a steady 5-6 each night. My wife says she sees improvement, but I can't really tell. The depression about all of this is just awful. We ate some tiramisu last night for dessert, which I normally skip. Found out this morning that they use espresso to make it! So I'm not sure how much of a problem that might have caused?

 

Luckily my resting heart rate is 55 - 60 and even can take some work to push it higher. Sorry for those of you that always have an elevated one. I hadn't that earlier in WD. Thought my heart would explode. Did end up at a cardiologist and he wasn't concerned either. 

 

Wife I slept now taking a nap on the sofa. I am kind of jealous. Her nap will probably be a setback long as my actual sleep time last night. Ugh!

 

Hope you're back to at least your baseline now sofa.

[[Fl...]]

Siggy, doesn't it just "rot your socks" when your spouse can fall asleep any time and anywhere and still sleep instantly at night.💤😡😝

[[ne...]]

Did you every struggle with the anxiety stuff....like being overwhelmed, irritable, dp or mental fog....tremors and rapid breathing?

 

 

 

bcalm2, OMG yes and still do some days ...hang on we`ll get through this!

[[mr...]]

Lockie,

 

Let me share with you what happened to me a week ago, March 16th, as it relates to maybe what you are going through.

 

Six months earlier, I was notified by attorneys in my workers comp lawsuit of a four hour doctor's appointment, to which I would have to drive two hours up and back.  It was six months away, so I didn't give it constant stressing thoughts every day.  I kept thinking and hoping I would surely be healed by that time but, the closer the appointment got and I was still suffering with symptoms, the more frequently I would ruminate about and fear the upcoming dreaded event.  The night before the appointment my heart raced and pounded and it went on for six hours, of course with no sleep.  The ride up with my son was so pleasant and distracting, but I was anxious to say the least.  I bawled my eyes out all four hours of the appointment.  When it was over, I was so relieved.  My nightmare, however, was just beginning.

 

Over this past week, I have been descending from the stressful mountain top with a boatload of new and recurring symptoms.  Anxiety has been through the roof.  See, for me, once the stressor hits is just the beginning.  Violent symptoms ensue for the first couple of days after the stressor deals me the first big blow.  For a week after those first few uptick days, I suffer with all kinds of various flare ups.  After two weeks, I'm usually done with the cycle.

 

I tell you this because of your pregnancy and the upcoming birth of your first child.  I bet you are feeling a lot of what I was feeling anticipating this upcoming dreaded appointment of mine, and your event is a much bigger deal than mine.  You are hoping desperately to be done with this crap by the blessed event.  Lockie, if you're still in this when that day arrives, like I was, it's okay.  You'll do great when you need to step up to the plate.  Your CNS will carry you through it with flying colors.  What may happen is, afterwards, you might have to descend the summit with some flare ups.  It's okay.  Your wife and baby will be bonding tightly.  There will be very little for you to do, except hold the baby as much as you feel like.  Your "job" is minimal.  We mothers do all the work at first.

 

This is your first child and you have no idea what to expect.  I had no idea what to expect during my appointment either.  It is amazing how our CNS carries us through the moment quite easily.  It's the aftermath that will take you by surprise.  You don't need to fear, however, if you keep telling yourself, "I reached the summit, planted my flag and took photos of the event.  Now I will descend the mountain top and settle into base camp once again."

 

Sofa

 

Lockie,

 

I have reacted EXACTLY this way. And I mean, EXACTLY. You will be just fine You can "feel" like you won't be fine - your brain can fire those thoughts all the way through you being just fine. Meaning, I can be just fine all the while my brain is saying "YOU WON'T BE FINE". My "BenzoBrain" doesn't "learn" as quickly as my previous brain did, but it doesn't mean that you "can't" while you're thinking "you can't". If that makes sense?

 

Remember too: you do not have to deal with the entire next six months, today. All you need to deal with today, is today's things. I can handle today's dealings. You can too. If today's handlings feel too "big", I go smaller. I can handle this next 15 minutes. I'll deal with the next 15 minutes when it comes: I'm going to focus on NOW. And there's NEVER been a "now" that you/me/we haven't been able to handle, to date (I know this because we're all still here ). A long time ago in a different setting, I heard the phrase: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." and it's stuck with me through this process. Benzo withdrawal, as a whole, is a big fatty elephant But literally hundreds of thousands of people have handled it...and it's because we handle it 'one "bite" (day) at a time'. A baby, and all the wonderfulness it brings, is not handled in a day Hundreds of thousands have handled it before you, one day at a time, and so will you One of BenzoBrain's favorite lies is: "You are different / you are special because you're in withdrawal; you can't do it BECAUSE you have the added element of withdrawal". To that I say: bet me. Read Northofhere's posting history, and tell me what can't be done while in the heat of fear in withdrawal. Or Sophia's posting history. Or Schatje's posting history. You've GOT this, no matter what your brain tells you

 

Mrs.

 

 

[[bc...]]

Thanks sofa for that reassurance that these adrenaline surges will calm down at some point.  They are very debilitating.  Everything is so overwhelming, have no patience, become irritable, lots of dp and mental fog....so much tremors.....and it just keeps on all day....and it starts between 2 and 6 in the morning.  I feel so uncomfortable in my mind and body....This is my one core sx that I am really looking forward to leaving, permanently....forever. 

 

Is there anyone else who has had this from day 1 and it is now gone?  Mine has been around for the last 18 months and i am getting very tired of dealing with it every day, day in and day out.  Is healing going on???

 

 

 

 

[[bc...]]

Thanks nevercantell.....did you have bad anxiety/adrenaline surges all the time or just once in a while?  Mine are with me all the time.

[[MT...]]

[quote author=Lockie link=topic=141544.msg2353744#msg2353744

 

Hi MT , i know you were doing alot of excersise awhile back and wondering if you are still doing it and do you think it is  helping with recovery?? My doctor is pushing me to do some cardio

 

Lockie, I'm still doing a lot of exercise. I lift weights for around 15 minutes twice/week, go to an exercise class (mostly seniors and 54 y/o me) twice/week and walk for an hour 2-3 times per week. I strongly believe it helps with recovery in that I see a definitive effect on my mood and anxiety. When I'm especially down I try to push myself to do a more intense work out at that seems to move mood more. There's lots of evidence exercise helps with brain healing (neuroplasticity, neurogenesis). When I started two years ago I could hardly walk around the store and had to do "weight lifting" with no weights I was so weak (think empty arm curls). That being said exercise, sadly, won't make me sleep. Even when I've hiked for several hours in our local mountains (I've learned how to do these things even when exhausted and in pain) I still often don't sleep. But it can make the night more restful. I started off with 5-10 minute walks. Go slowly. If nothing else, there's something empowering about feeling you're *doing something* towards your recovery. I feel less like a victim then. I listen to short stories when I walk to help drown out the physical discomfort and exhaustion. I take my phone with me in case I need to be picked up but try to make it home no matter how bad I am. Let us know how it goes.

 

MT

[[Ki...]]

Bcalm - I'm sorry your struggling so much. This is the pits!!!!  I feel so bad for all you with the palps, surges and cortisol. I see you have a short-term history with AD'd as well. How long have you been off them? Did you notice any correlation with your sx when you withdrew from Effexor? I have an AD to tackle next, but I'm simply just not strong enough right now.

 

Marj - if you had blood work and it came back good, it's safe to say it's not something you need to worry about. It's amazing how awful we can feel and nothin shows up  I just had blood work done and my thyroid and estrogen are completely out of whack....I'm really upset because I'm terrified of "pills" now and don't know if I'll have the courage to try and fix the issues. Plus....not sure if I want to try and fix it because it's probably caused by w/d anyway.

 

Siggy - yay!!!! You got some sleep. I think this is really positive and a start to getting out of this wave.

 

Lockie - our timeline is very close, I'm in the same boat. You're not alone. I agree with Mrs and Sofa that the anticipatory anxiety is likely what's causing your flare-ups right now. I can empathize how  having to provide for a new baby and your wife, while feeling so awful, could make you feel so crappy. It's a lot of pressure but I have no doubt you're up for the task.

 

Hello to everyone else! Amazing bunch of warriors on this thread. 

[[pr...]]

Siggy, doesn't it just "rot your socks" when your spouse can fall asleep any time and anywhere and still sleep instantly at night.💤😡😝

 

 

 

i just had my one night of insomnia 2 nights ago (that i only get now once monthly thank goodness) but those thoughts come into my brain while i'm just laying trying to keep my cool and not blow my top like i want to that the rest of my family is for sure sleeping right now. it just blows my top off. makes this whole thing so much worse. but yeah, it's a good thing that my full night insomnia is only once monthly now and i do notice some healing and improvement when it does happen so some good things are going while i'm still in some sort of torture.

 

i've come to see that this sleeping and insomnia are very cyclical, even the dreams seem cyclical -- i was having some great dreams and they have seemed to died down. i know they will come back though.

[[bc...]]

Hi Kiddo......hope you are seeing more and more healing as the months go by.  I am about 5 months of the AD.....and haven't really noticed any new sxs.....but I think the sxs have just became more severe.  My sleep has been worse....not insomnia...but not being able to sleep because of the cortisol/adrenaline surging waking me and becoming very intense.  I could sleep if it wasn't for the sxs.  There are some sxs that have reappeared but then they leave.  Perhaps the one sxs that I didn't have a lot of before AD wd  is more muscle and joint pain....this can become very bad in my shoulders, neck, arms, wrists,  hands, knees.....this can be very painful and Tylenol does't really help with it.  Depression is one that comes and goes....however, lately staying around for a while....part of it is just feeling so drained and so down with not feeling better at this stage of recovery.  The biggest thing with the anxiety for me is the dp or mental fog .....not feeling like myself at all....no clarity....that is something I hope comes back soon....makes functioning very difficult, can't relate to things very well.

 

So still struggling and really thought I would be further healed at this point and sometimes lose hope of ever getting to wellness.  But need to keep trucking along....days can be very long when sxs are so bad.  If the anxiety/cortisol would lift I would be feeling a lot better....but it doesn't seem to budge at all....feel like I am stuck in this whirlwind 24/7.

 

Hoping for healing soon for all of us...........we will just have to hang on....

[[so...]]

Bcalm...

 

My cortisol surging hasn't budged either.  What I got, starting about 12 days ago, was a "softer" build-up to the big onslaught.  It still hits me like a Mack truck.  Been with me since day one.  Everyone on this thread is so sick of listening to me bitch about it, but I can't help myself.  I am grateful you all put up with my same pathetic song and dance.

 

I must be cycling out of my uptick.  No electricity surging through my legs and feet today.  Just the usual 24/7 head pulsing and anxiety.  Let the good times roll.

 

Sofa

[[bc...]]

Sofa....so sorry that you are going thru this, too.  The anxiety is brutal.....everyday.....it brews in head, chest and tummy and makes me feel like I want to jump out of my skin.  Then there is the sxs that come with it......the mental fog or dp....do you get that....where you are not feeling like yourself...and when that is bad the anxiety gets much worse.  Everything that used to be so easy to do or deal with is now so overwhelming....so much fear....tremors and rapid breathing...everything is so stressful.......is this something that you experience, too.

 

Then I get depressed because this is taking so long and it is such torture.  What does the electricity surges in your feet and legs feel like....is that RLS?    Have you had a cortisol test done?

 

Trying to hang on.....

 

 

 

[[so...]]

Bcalm,

 

I hate the DP--not feeling at all like myself, like I'm a robot or walking around inside a spacesuit.  It amps up my anxiety BIG TIME because I'm unable to attach to the real me that's inside the twisted me.  Then the depression and despair hit--like this must be my life from now on, this is the new me.  Hideous.

 

The electricity surging in my legs and feet feel like a TENS machine is hooked up to the nerves inside my legs.  Pulsating and surging in waves.  Like you said, I am plugged into an outlet.  I also have RLS most evenings.  I control it with compression socks and, thank God, they do the trick.  I would have gone out of my mind with the RLS a long time ago if it hadn't been for the socks.  Maybe the RLS is an offshoot of the akathesia I used to have for the first 8 months.  By far, akathesia was the worst withdrawal symptom for me.

 

Sofa

[[bc...]]

Yes.....that's how I feel with the dp.....would like to have the real "me" back.....the twisted me has got to go.  That's my thoughts too....that this must be the new me and that is really scary.  Hoping the real "me" is inside this twisted "me" and will show up sooner than later.  It all causes the anxiety to go thru the roof.  Does your dp ever go away?

 

Sure glad you found something that helps with the RLS.....anything that can bring relief is always so welcome.  Wish I could find something that would relief that cortisol cr** that surges endlessly.

 

Let's hope this leaves us real soon......so now the 18-30 month thread has two people singing the same song about the cortisol/adrenaline surges.

 

Just want to be "me" again.............hugs

[[so...]]

Bcalm,

 

We are Sonny and Cher, the Righteous Brothers, the Smothers Brothers, singing the Cortisol Duet in G Minor.  They'll hear us howl at the moon in the wee hours.  Donations welcome.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Bcalm,

 

I'm going to try something tonight.  I'm putting the jar of almonds and a glass of water on my nightstand.  When I feel the surging start at 4am, I'm going to pop a handful of almonds and see if I can't level out the low blood sugar and calm down everything before it gets in full swing.  My normal routine is to get out of bed, eat a hardboiled egg and a handful of almonds and start drinking my weak cup of coffee.  I'm going to see if I can roll back to sleep after eating the almonds without getting out of bed.

 

Sofa

[[bc...]]

Thanks for the laugh, sofa...sounds like fun.....and donations would be great.....running a bit low on funds.  So did the egg and almonds help before with the surges.....

 

Let me know how this new plan works.....hugs

 

 

[[Lo...]]

Hey everyone. Thankyou so much for the well wishes and support. Yes i am stressed about the baby coming and what we are going to do for money , unfortunately it is a very real threat and not just benzo brain. I guess its the realisation im not going to be better by then and in for one hell of a ride. You are all right about the anticipation. ....... its killing me now i can see a decent baby bump and im thinking "holy shit, this is really happening"

 

Im really trying to take a step back and breathe as im sure this is adding to my SX. Last night i felt so rancid and helpless staring at the ceiling feeling like i have been poisioned sometimes it just gets too much.

 

Thankyou everybody for the support you have no idea how much this is pulling me through. Goes to show not all heros wear capes

[[ne...]]

Thanks nevercantell.....did you have bad anxiety/adrenaline surges all the time or just once in a while?  Mine are with me all the time.

 

bcalm, my withdrawal has been mostly about pain!  I`ve never in my life experienced pain as severe and its been constant all the way ...never yet had a day free!  It`s always in my back, neck, shoulders and moves from one to the other or all at once on a really bad day. I `ve had anxiety too and the other horrible stuff like nausea, tinnitus to name just two.. there`s been much more!  I`m so sorry you`re getting bad anxiety as when I `ve been hit with it, I can truly empathise BUT ( crossing my fingers) it seems to have calmed this last month and I`m praying it keeps gone!

Having said all of that ...I`m convinced the adrenaline surges trigger the pain.  It makes sense in my addled brain that the fight or flight surge of adrenaline makes my muscles tighten because `sometime`  by evening when the adrenaline is lower, so is the pain.

 

Yesterday was mothers days here in the UK...daughters came with gifts on Saturday instead, but  one daughter was late arriving, she`s usually a good time keeper. Anyway I got worrying ( as we mothers do) and straight away the pain increased to severe. Once she arrived safely the pain eased off to `just` about bearable again.  Before this of course I`d worry if any of the kids were late while driving but I`d never have pain ...you know I`d have the usual `looking out the window and where the hell has she got too saga.`  This was pure adrenaline kicking in beyond normal.

 

And answering your question, yes, if my theory is correct, I have adrenaline surging all the time but if I'm lucky it goes down a bit in the evening and IF I manage to keep calm.  I don't know more than any of us, but we all seem to have a core sx that the adrenaline aggravates and I`m getting pretty convinced that if the adrenaline calmed down a lot of us would feel much better. x

 

 

[[ne...]]

 

Im really trying to take a step back and breathe as im sure this is adding to my SX. Last night i felt so rancid and helpless staring at the ceiling feeling like i have been poisioned sometimes it just gets too much.

 

Lockie, I`m feeling the same here today...rancid and poisoned!  Anyway I`m in my `theory` mode and three times now we`ve had beef for dinner and three effing  times after the beef I`ve had night sweats (again) and the poisoned toxic crap the next day!  I don't know if this would have happened anyway but I`ve found if I stick to chicken, fish, veggies it doesn`t happen.

 

So just had a word with husband and said for him to buy whatever he wants for his dinners but for one month I`m gonna stick to chicken stir fry or fish with veggies and rice. Boring? Yep!  But if it means not waking feeling toxic I`m gonna give it a go.....I`ll report back!!

 

Congrats on the baby and like everyone has said please try not to worry (yep easier said than done) but things have a way of turning out ok x

[[Lo...]]

Lockie,

 

Let me share with you what happened to me a week ago, March 16th, as it relates to maybe what you are going through.

 

Six months earlier, I was notified by attorneys in my workers comp lawsuit of a four hour doctor's appointment, to which I would have to drive two hours up and back.  It was six months away, so I didn't give it constant stressing thoughts every day.  I kept thinking and hoping I would surely be healed by that time but, the closer the appointment got and I was still suffering with symptoms, the more frequently I would ruminate about and fear the upcoming dreaded event.  The night before the appointment my heart raced and pounded and it went on for six hours, of course with no sleep.  The ride up with my son was so pleasant and distracting, but I was anxious to say the least.  I bawled my eyes out all four hours of the appointment.  When it was over, I was so relieved.  My nightmare, however, was just beginning.

 

Over this past week, I have been descending from the stressful mountain top with a boatload of new and recurring symptoms.  Anxiety has been through the roof.  See, for me, once the stressor hits is just the beginning.  Violent symptoms ensue for the first couple of days after the stressor deals me the first big blow.  For a week after those first few uptick days, I suffer with all kinds of various flare ups.  After two weeks, I'm usually done with the cycle.

 

I tell you this because of your pregnancy and the upcoming birth of your first child.  I bet you are feeling a lot of what I was feeling anticipating this upcoming dreaded appointment of mine, and your event is a much bigger deal than mine.  You are hoping desperately to be done with this crap by the blessed event.  Lockie, if you're still in this when that day arrives, like I was, it's okay.  You'll do great when you need to step up to the plate.  Your CNS will carry you through it with flying colors.  What may happen is, afterwards, you might have to descend the summit with some flare ups.  It's okay.  Your wife and baby will be bonding tightly.  There will be very little for you to do, except hold the baby as much as you feel like.  Your "job" is minimal.  We mothers do all the work at first.

 

This is your first child and you have no idea what to expect.  I had no idea what to expect during my appointment either.  It is amazing how our CNS carries us through the moment quite easily.  It's the aftermath that will take you by surprise.  You don't need to fear, however, if you keep telling yourself, "I reached the summit, planted my flag and took photos of the event.  Now I will descend the mountain top and settle into base camp once again."

 

Sofa

 

Lockie,

 

I have reacted EXACTLY this way. And I mean, EXACTLY. You will be just fine You can "feel" like you won't be fine - your brain can fire those thoughts all the way through you being just fine. Meaning, I can be just fine all the while my brain is saying "YOU WON'T BE FINE". My "BenzoBrain" doesn't "learn" as quickly as my previous brain did, but it doesn't mean that you "can't" while you're thinking "you can't". If that makes sense?

 

Remember too: you do not have to deal with the entire next six months, today. All you need to deal with today, is today's things. I can handle today's dealings. You can too. If today's handlings feel too "big", I go smaller. I can handle this next 15 minutes. I'll deal with the next 15 minutes when it comes: I'm going to focus on NOW. And there's NEVER been a "now" that you/me/we haven't been able to handle, to date (I know this because we're all still here ). A long time ago in a different setting, I heard the phrase: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." and it's stuck with me through this process. Benzo withdrawal, as a whole, is a big fatty elephant But literally hundreds of thousands of people have handled it...and it's because we handle it 'one "bite" (day) at a time'. A baby, and all the wonderfulness it brings, is not handled in a day Hundreds of thousands have handled it before you, one day at a time, and so will you One of BenzoBrain's favorite lies is: "You are different / you are special because you're in withdrawal; you can't do it BECAUSE you have the added element of withdrawal". To that I say: bet me. Read Northofhere's posting history, and tell me what can't be done while in the heat of fear in withdrawal. Or Sophia's posting history. Or Schatje's posting history. You've GOT this, no matter what your brain tells you

 

Mrs.

 

Thankyou so much for this.

[[...]]

Lockie, I understand how you must feel, seriously I do. Mrs is so right we just have to live for now and I'm terrible for not doing this too. Always projecting to the future feeling doomed if I'm not well by a certain point. I keep reminding myself this is not today, you're job is to get through today. I know that's hard as today is horrible.

 

I had a little lift on Saturday where I could say to myself, ok maybe I will get better. Worse than ever since    made myself mow my lawn yesterday and I mean made myself, went to visit my mum for mothers day and it was so hard. 2 sleepless nights later and today I feel I will be lucky if I survive, I'm so out of it and in total pain, heart all over the place. Thank God I have a day off.  I swear this think gives me a little break then comes back at a higher level.

[[Ni...]]

my withdrawal has been mostly about pain!  I`ve never in my life experienced pain as severe and its been constant all the way ...never yet had a day free!  It`s always in my back, neck, shoulders and moves from one to the other or all at once on a really bad day. I `ve had anxiety too and the other horrible stuff like nausea, tinnitus to name just two.. there`s been much more!  I`m so sorry you`re getting bad anxiety as when I `ve been hit with it, I can truly empathise BUT ( crossing my fingers) it seems to have calmed this last month and I`m praying it keeps gone!

Having said all of that ...I`m convinced the adrenaline surges trigger the pain.  It makes sense in my addled brain that the fight or flight surge of adrenaline makes my muscles tighten because `sometime`  by evening when the adrenaline is lower, so is the pain.

NCT,

For me there's definitely a connection with adrenaline and pain. Like you I came to that same conclusion.  It feels like a burning pain across my upper back and shoulders which then engages the neck and causes wicked stiffness. 😔

[[bc...]]

Lockie....I can understand how you are feeling anticipating what will or will not happen....Things will work out for you.  I was one who planned weeks, months ahead with never an issue.....now you can't plan an hour ahead....and that is very frustrating and adds more stress to an already very stressful situation.....but hoping this will change for all of us.

 

Congrats on the upcoming new addition to your family.....just take one day at a time....and I know how difficult that is to do.....even one hour at a time is too much.  That is all we can do...we don't have much control over this wd....it does what it wants to do until it is done.  You are strong and you will get there.

 

Hoping for complete healing for all of us real soon......