18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[so...]]

Buddies,

 

This withdrawal is so brutal.  After I wrote my post of feeling better I got whacked with electricity and toxic dumping.

 

Now I have nerve pain on the top of my left hand and in my elbow.  WTF?

 

Please, friends, tell me this ends.  I need your support.

 

Sofa

[[Sa...]]

Sofa,

 

Im right by your side- Just one thing- Remember sofa, its Sunday and sundays have NOT been kind to you.  However tomorrow isn't Sunday and you will be one notch higher on healing.

Hang in there love- It passes and you know it does.  Most likely by this evening. 

You know where to find me.

Love

Saraa

[[bc...]]

Bcalm,

 

Keep in mind your different timeframes off both benzos and ADs.  You are early in the recovery process, especially off your AD.  It gets better, sweetheart.  It takes time.

 

Sofa

 

Thanks, sofa......I am really hoping that things do get better....but it is so hard to try to get thru each day when you are being blasted by these horrible sxs....just have to hang on and put in the time, I guess.  Sorry about the couple of sxs that came back to visit today....I am sure they will go away soon.

[[bc...]]

Texas mama and marj......

 

I, too, have the ugly anxiety sx.....it can be very debilitating at times.....had this since the beginning and doesn't seem to want to leave.  There are times when things are a bit calmer....but have never had a 100% window yet, where there was no anxiety.  Hoping one day soon this will leave.

[[...]]

Sofa nooooooooooo, please, honest honey,  Im so sorry if it came across like that.  Not what I intended. I know you would never minimise the suffering of another. Hell this shit really distorts everything, literally everything. Im just so effed off as I pushed myself to do my garden and now Im in agony. Head to toe nerve pain. I wonder if using the mower did anything. It worries me as Ive always cut my lawn no matter what,  well I dont have a partner do do everything ( I know thats not only me). Just sick of this, you cant do right for wrong.

 

[[Lo...]]

Siggy,

 

Thanks for asking.  I am healing.  I only really have the two original symptoms left: the 4am cortisol surge and the soft head pulsing.  I'm getting there.  I can feel my body getting close to the end.  I fully intend to remind myself, even when I'm eventually symptom-free, that I'm still in the healing zone and to be careful for another year.

 

You'll be okay very soon.  Your system is just ironing out the last of the crap.

 

Sofa

 

Yay sofa! So happy you are feeling better again. Enjoy the window!

[[so...]]

Lockie,

 

Thanks, hon.  I don't get windows, though.  Just snail's pace sticky millimeter improvements.  Sucks, really.  No windows sucks.  I read posts of people who get windows and waves and sometimes I feel jealous.  Other times I feel broken.  Rare times I feel grateful I don't get bashed around with highs and lows and just stay in the plain old shit zone.  Shitty and shittier.  Like dumb and dumber.  Jim Carey would be proud.

 

I thought I was improving last week.  Sunday threw me back into the rabbit hole.  Let's see what this week brings.  My geographic tongue is definitely including Africa and Australia.  See you for coffee soon, Lockie.

 

Sofa

[[Lo...]]

Lockie,

 

Thanks, hon.  I don't get windows, though.  Just snail's pace sticky millimeter improvements.  Sucks, really.  No windows sucks.  I read posts of people who get windows and waves and sometimes I feel jealous.  Other times I feel broken.  Rare times I feel grateful I don't get bashed around with highs and lows and just stay in the plain old shit zone.  Shitty and shittier.  Like dumb and dumber.  Jim Carey would be proud.

 

I thought I was improving last week.  Sunday threw me back into the rabbit hole.  Let's see what this week brings.  My geographic tongue is definitely including Africa and Australia.  See you for coffee soon, Lockie.

 

Sofa

 

Haha always a decaf coffee here for you sofa!

 

If i remember correctly you were really struggling last week or a few weeks ago and seem to be in a lot better head space now. Would i be wrong to assume you have some better days than others??

 

When i say "window" i dont mean i feel better, i mean it is a period of less suffering. I seem to have a baseline then crash into a wave . Every now and then at night i nearly feel 100% for about an hour but is very short lived. I guess you could call that a true window

[[ne...]]

Lockie,

 

Thanks, hon.  I don't get windows, though.  Just snail's pace sticky millimeter improvements.  Sucks, really.  No windows sucks.  I read posts of people who get windows and waves and sometimes I feel jealous.  Other times I feel broken.  Rare times I feel grateful I don't get bashed around with highs and lows and just stay in the plain old shit zone.  Shitty and shittier.  Like dumb and dumber.  Jim Carey would be proud.

 

I thought I was improving last week.  Sunday threw me back into the rabbit hole.  Let's see what this week brings.  My geographic tongue is definitely including Africa and Australia.  See you for coffee soon, Lockie.

 

 

 

 

Sofa

 

Me too Sofa ... I`d love a nice big open window (as we all would) although to be truly honest I had a small one a few months ago...it lasted one and a half hours.  I wasted that time as it took me precious minutes to realize I was having a window ..then spent the remainder time begging it not to leave.

 

Anyway, spoke to Ian today about this same subject ...he said that he didn`t have windows either, that his was full on all the way.

Sometimes my symptoms can be a bit less in the evenings (they never go but are a bit more bearable)

So asked Ian if they`re windows?

He said no!  That 90% of us have the same thing happen with the symptoms going down later in the day.

 

I`m getting headaches now on top of neck pain, back pain and leg pain...and not to mention sore eyes, tinnitus and nausea, so a definite shitty day ...but onward Buddies ....

 

 

[[so...]]

Lockie,

 

You describe my version of windows and waves perfectly.  Last week was better than the week before, so I felt I was improving.  Maybe I still am improving.  It just doesn't feel a whole lot better.  I'm the turtle 🐢.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

NCT,

 

Thanks for sharing Ian with us again.  Yes, I've heard that 90% of us don't get the full on windows and waves pattern and seem to settle down a bit in the late after and early evening.  My breath of relief comes at 4pm on the nose and I often wonder if I'm on a 12 hour cycle after the 4am cortisol alarm.  I wish I understood this better.  I'm definitely on a 24 hour uptick cycle, which leaves me feeling my worst every day from 12-3pm.  Has been like this from the beginning.

 

Again, thanks for Ian's reassurance.

 

Sofa

[[...]]

Ugh, I’m so over this crap. Does anyone feel worse if they have over eaten? I had a stupid amount of home made shepherds pie last night, it was delicious, it’s one of my specialities, don’t have it often as don’t eat beef hardly.  I feel like I’m about to die or go crazy. Also getting triggered when people say after a bad wave they feel better. I’m more like if I have a better day I get hammered. I asked Ian about this improved baseline and he had no idea what I was talking about, has never had experience of this  and just say’s it’s bad till it’s not with some days not as bad as others. This is my experience and I know we are all different, however I’m still so triggered worrying I have something else. God I’m so sorry for my insane ramblings, I’m on my knees right now. The worst thing to do is compare, I know this, but still do it! 

[[Si...]]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today marj. I'm right there with you. I slept pretty good Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Last night was terrible. I barely slept at all. I would maybe sleep for about 15 - 20 minutes and then wake up again. It went on all night like that. I just made it into work somehow. I have no idea why I can sleep somewhat ok some days and others I can't? Shepherd's pie sounds good though. I wish I could try yours. I suppose you made it from scratch, so nothing in it that would be some weird chemicals right? Are you at work now?

[[...]]

Hi Siggy, Yeah sleep still crap for me too, doesn't help, had a similar night. I made from scratch so no rubbish in it. I had a huge mountain of it, it's like I don't get full, weird. Yeah I'm at work, don't know how, just like you Siggy. Aww wish I could send you a shepherds pie. I honestly would if I could. 

[[Si...]]

Hi Siggy, Yeah sleep still crap for me too, doesn't help, had a similar night. I made from scratch so no rubbish in it. I had a huge mountain of it, it's like I don't get full, weird. Yeah I'm at work, don't know how, just like you Siggy. Aww wish I could send you a shepherds pie. I honestly would if I could. 

 

Thanks marj, hoping tonight is better for both of us. I got about 7 hours each night, which is the most I've had in a row in the last 4 months. I was hoping it would continue on that path. Pretty dejected that I feel like I'm not making any progress. I didn't think this setback would take this long or be this brutal. I just want to go back to last year before I screwed up.

[[Te...]]

I'm doing terrible....just stopping by and seeing how everyone is doing....I think of you all...often....

 

Hugs

TM

 

[[...]]

I'm doing terrible....just stopping by and seeing how everyone is doing....I think of you all...often....

 

Hugs

TM

 

Me too TM, I'm so sorry, it's unreal. Are you still working? Last night I woke after broken sleep and realised I'd forgotten to put my bins out for collection. My heart started racing and I had pains in my chest......... ridiculous!!! Fatigue and muscle pain is crucifying me and I can hardly breathe. Trying to remain positive (although I'm convinced I'm dying) and still wearing the mask at work.

 

Hugs Hun. It's so quiet on here 

[[Si...]]

I've done that marj. I usually take my trash can out to the curb when I get home. Then later I go to put the trash bag in it after dinner. Last week I almost forgot and it was pretty late. I did end up putting it out before going to bed. I feel like crap again today. I had a pretty good day yesterday since I got about 7 hours of sleep the night before. Last night was the usual bs. I got sleepy around 11 and went to bed at 11:30. Fell asleep quickly but then woke up wide awake at 2:00am. I went to our guest bedroom and tried to remain calm. I think I had some light sleep in there, but not enough to make me feel like had gotten enough. I'm at work again. I just want this crap to end.

[[...]]

Hi Siggy, I'll address this to you as no one here lately  I went to bed ok last night after feeling the worst fatigue all day, felt quite cheerful when I went!!!! Did get some broken sleep. Day from hell today, it's calmed down a little but between 1pm and 4 was hell on earth, can't focus, negative thinking going crazy. Went for a lunchtime walk, cried buckets. I want this crap to end too, it's so horrible it's unreal. All my brain tells me when it's like this is I'm stuck forever, it's cruel.

 

How is everyone socially? Tomorrow at work someone is leaving and they are all going out at night and lunchtime. ive already declined the evening as there is no way in high heaven. People I know judge me as miserable, I just want to scream at them. I've said I'll go to lunch but after today I'm doubting that too. Gritting your teeth to get through each day is no way to live. I'm stinging with nerve pain and my usual broken feeling neck. just want to go home and collapse.

[[Si...]]

Hi Siggy, I'll address this to you as no one here lately  I went to bed ok last night after feeling the worst fatigue all day, felt quite cheerful when I went!!!! Did get some broken sleep. Day from hell today, it's calmed down a little but between 1pm and 4 was hell on earth, can't focus, negative thinking going crazy. Went for a lunchtime walk, cried buckets. I want this crap to end too, it's so horrible it's unreal. All my brain tells me when it's like this is I'm stuck forever, it's cruel.

 

How is everyone socially? Tomorrow at work someone is leaving and they are all going out at night and lunchtime. ive already declined the evening as there is no way in high heaven. People I know judge me as miserable, I just want to scream at them. I've said I'll go to lunch but after today I'm doubting that too. Gritting your teeth to get through each day is no way to live. I'm stinging with nerve pain and my usual broken feeling neck. just want to go home and collapse.

 

I know it's crazy to feel so tired and fatigued thinking for sure you'd sleep great (like we did back when we were normal), just to barely get any sleep. I can't believe such a small amount of this drug did this to me.

[[Lo...]]

Hey guys just checking in. Sorry Siggy and Marj that you are suffering i am hoping you both get a break soon.

 

I seem to be sitting at a reasonable baseline and had a relatively good week. Im starting to push the limits of my body at work and around the house. Monday i did 7 hours which is amazing (my job is very physical), busted up tuesday , Wednesday 2 hours work then in my roof installing aircon vents till the afternoon , rest yesterday and tried a cardio session but failed lol and half day work today.

 

Seems i can handle 3 half days work a week now and not so mentally gruelling.  Just a bit of anxiety on the way there and thats it, i seem to be functioning reasonabley well but still exhausted at the end of each day.

 

Amazing how hard you have to push even when you are doing better. The end result of each day seems to be the same. Mentally and physically exhausted but achieving more each day at a snails pace

 

 

[[Si...]]

Keep it up Lockie! Glad to hear you're pushing through. I have a desk job, but it's really demanding mentally. I'm sure a physical job would really fatigue me as well. Hope you see some great progress soon. 

[[MT...]]

Hi gang.

 

Checking in like Lockie. Marj, I have that cycle of getting nailed after a good (better) day. Like the rest of you I don't windows of all better but days with less intense symptoms. Tuesday I had a day where I was less tired and could think more easily. Work went more smoothly and I felt "I can do this." Wednesday I felt like I needed to subcontract out breathing I forced myself to do some things but soooo hard. Today was another decent day and work wasn't bad but I already feel the post work day exhaustion hitting.

 

Siggy, I know you're discouraged but it seems like your overall trend is improving. Can you see that?

 

TM and Sofa, I hope some better days are on the way.

 

We'll get there, day by day, inch by inch when necessary. We're made of tough stuff. We're made of stardust and that's a fierce, powerful ingredient!

 

MT

[[pr...]]

How is everyone socially? Tomorrow at work someone is leaving and they are all going out at night and lunchtime. ive already declined the evening as there is no way in high heaven. People I know judge me as miserable, I just want to scream at them. I've said I'll go to lunch but after today I'm doubting that too. Gritting your teeth to get through each day is no way to live. I'm stinging with nerve pain and my usual broken feeling neck. just want to go home and collapse.

 

marj,

 

did the ebay stuff resolve?

 

[[...]]

Yeah the ebay thing is sorted.

 

OMG I have to go to the lunch thing ans i feel I will go crazy or die. My throat has closed up and I have massive DR amd feel on the verge of panic. I hate this so much. the people at work are so loud, I just want to cry  :'(