12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova.  Yes in acute I was minute to minute ...in bed all the time. Now I only that miserable let in the worst of waves, which I seem to have been in for the last 6 weeks..

....My dizziness, head pressure and d/r is beginning to lift.  Shakes and chills are gone....maybe I am going to get out from underneath it...health fears are also dimming..  man, this stuff has a mind of its own...hoping hoping for a better day tomorrow..for all of us.  coop

[[So...]]

In with ya,  Coop. One hell of a day.

[[Mi...]]

Sorry you guys aren't feeling so good today.  I had a mostly good day, no intense windows or anything like yesterday.  Just got back from a local dairy farm with the cub scouts.  Had a good time, felt ok.  On the ride home I started getting spacey, now my hands are cold, my vision is blurry/tired, neck hurts.  This twitching right eyelid is driving me nuts.  Feels like there is something pulsing under there, it actually makes the lid do a 1/4 of a blink.  I'm not freaked out about it, just really annoyed.  The strangest things we deal with, ya know? 

[[Mi...]]

Coop, you jumped Dec of 2013, right?  Wasn't sure by your sig.

[[Mi...]]

Duh, my head isn't on straight right now.  Yes it was obviously 2013, I can't process what I'm reading apparently.  Ugg...so out of it.

[[Co...]]

How are you doing Drew?  Do you have health fear all the time or more so in a wave or when a migraine descends?

....I had a head ct with contrast for my initial vertigo episode right at the time I was prescribed ativan. It was perfectly normal. In a wave of health fear triggered by physical sx it is almost impossible for me to access that fact and use it for effective self talk. Once the panic has passed it seems completely rational to remind myself that my head ct was normal and then it does help the moderate health fear that comes and goes. ....After 6 hours of complete anxiety and shakes and chills and dizziness and misery....it's lifting... I can feel my rational mind taking the stage. My body is tired but the head pressure is lifting.  I am beat up but much calmer.  This is so much like acute...I don't think I have too many of these left in me...come on month 26..

.....Drew, I hope your day got better too...coop

[[Mi...]]

What is significant about month 26?  I must have missed something you said some time ago?

[[Co...]]

Mike , yes...Dec 3, 2013. It's confusing because I was going to jump in November but got scared and went another month licking ativan dust off my finger. I was also medically reinstated for 3 days in month 6 so that complicates it even more . I took a total of 1.5 mg of Ativan spread over 3 days so  I don't know how much that set me back. I do think that months 7/8 were like acute again. I just keep counting because if I had to set my timeline again at counting month 6 as month one I don't think I could keep going. I should re-do my signature line or create a ticker...one of these days I will. ..coop

[[Co...]]

Mike...lol....I am just emerging from a head crushing 6 hour wave of dizziness and head pressure. I think I meant month 24. I continually recommit to sticking with this until month 24......In month 16 when this tsunami wave rolled over me I got so scared I questioned reinststement....Green loaned me some of her titanium will and I got past it ( thank goodness) by recommiting to at least 24 months which is the typical number of months that sustainable healing requires...coop

[[Mi...]]

The way you worded that sounds like if it takes longer than 2 years you will reinstate?  I hope that's not what I'm hearing.  You just mean recommit mentally to trudging onward further I'm guessing?

[[Co...]]

Mike...no I won't reinstate . All along I have only mentally gone 6 months at a time because thinking about a year at a time defeats me. Just mind games to keep me going day to day. I really was at the end of all endurance at month 16. I had just had a 5 day string of wide open windows.. normal ...and so happy. Then this wave rolled over me and I just couldn't handle it...Nova sat through a couple of nights with me and Green helped me get a grip on the reinstatement nonsense.. and here I am still crawling through a bad bad wave but getting there. If I am still this miserable at month 24 I will evaluate things not for reinstatement but maybe taking a look at some therapy for health fear issues and the trauma of w/d. I am completely convinced that reinstatement makes it all worse and gives you another 18-24 months of w/d, I was so devestated by the month 16 bomb that I thought I was willing to make that deal with the devil.. thank goodness for my friends here..  I am clearly the wimp of the group...but hanging on....coop

[[Co...]]

SoCal....so sorry...these late waves are killers. How are you doing now?...Just think about getting to the next hour ...don't think that this will last forever or that somehow this is just you. Both of those are benzo lies.. You will get through this...and when you think you can't ...we are here to support you....thinking of you....coop

[[Mi...]]

Don't know if you recall but I was talking about taking a rescue dose before I went out plowing one night.  I think it was late January or early Feb.  I was completely freaked out, didn't think I could handle being on the roads in the storm.  I was talked down from that on this site and I am so thankful for that.  I had a bunch of Ativan at my fingertips and that one dose could have snowballed into something terrrible.  At that moment I felt like the weakest man on the planet.  You are not a wimp at all.  You like to express how you are feeling and find comfort in others.  There is nothing wrong with that.  This journey is ridiculously hard.  It's tough enough to break anyone's spirit over and over. 

 

I need to shut this thing off, my eyes are too tired for a bright screen.  Try to have a good night and I'll do the same.  My bed and headphones are calling my name.  Fun fact:  Every night for the past 2 months I have been falling asleep to either Pink Floyd's Animals album, their live Pulse album, or Deep Purple Live in Japan '72.   

[[dr...]]

I'm back. Very busy day. I actually settled down and it never got worse than a quick spike in panic.  A couple of things I have learned from charting my migraines. One of the symptoms of one is anxiety and panic even in normal people. I have noticed the day after my auras I have intense fear for no reason. Two days after I'm cool as a cucumber. Interesting. 

 

The next item I learned is I have allergies after denying it to my gf for years.  My nose and head were so stuffed but it was a really bad allergy day. I heard several people talking about how bad their allergies were today. Anyone ever take Claritin?

 

Lastly, I had an effortless mind hour or so!!!!  I was shopping at whole foods and I didn't have one internal thought.  I was perusing the aisles and joked w another big guy about us being very nimble and ballet like   it was glorious....I didn't even realize it was happening until I came back to my car to see someone scratched it up w their paint   I got so angry since I'm giving it to my gf when I get my new car tomorrow.  Oh well...

 

I'm home now but not lying here in exhaustion. I feel okay. A bit strange. 

[[Co...]]

Thanks Mike, I do remember your storm post...still went out and shoveled...I don't know how..

...Gotta love Pink Floyd....Sleep well...coop

[[be...]]

Mike...no I won't reinstate . All along I have only mentally gone 6 months at a time because thinking about a year at a time defeats me. Just mind games to keep me going day to day. I really was at the end of all endurance at month 16. I had just had a 5 day string of wide open windows.. normal ...and so happy. Then this wave rolled over me and I just couldn't handle it...Nova sat through a couple of nights with me and Green helped me get a grip on the reinstatement nonsense.. and here I am still crawling through a bad bad wave but getting there. If I am still this miserable at month 24 I will evaluate things not for reinstatement but maybe taking a look at some therapy for health fear issues and the trauma of w/d. I am completely convinced that reinstatement makes it all worse and gives you another 18-24 months of w/d, I was so devestated by the month 16 bomb that I thought I was willing to make that deal with the devil.. thank goodness for my friends here..  I am clearly the wimp of the group...but hanging on....coop

 

 

No such thing as a wimp...in this withdrawal. Can't think of one thing in my life that has brought me to my knees begging for mercy on my soul...other than this wd.

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi ... had a pretty lousy day and this evening is shaping up to be messy ... having the faux asthma off and on ... and the benzo belly stuff ... and lots of floating in and out ,,, mostly a yuk day ...

 

Me, too, Nova, floating in and out, exactly.  and the benzo belly is absolutely ridiculous.  Can't find my sense of humor today!

[[Gr...]]

Sorry you guys aren't feeling so good today.  I had a mostly good day, no intense windows or anything like yesterday.  Just got back from a local dairy farm with the cub scouts.  Had a good time, felt ok.  On the ride home I started getting spacey, now my hands are cold, my vision is blurry/tired, neck hurts.  This twitching right eyelid is driving me nuts.  Feels like there is something pulsing under there, it actually makes the lid do a 1/4 of a blink.  I'm not freaked out about it, just really annoyed.  The strangest things we deal with, ya know? 

 

Mike

 

you're about three weeks ahead of me.  I just read Baylissa's book, and it seems we're all right on schedule.  Apparently it gets nasty right around this time, and hopefully we all have a smooth landing?

[[Co...]]

Green,...let's all just float away from this ...come back when we have had a nice break...Are you still feeing better overall? ..Did you see another show? ...No matter what benzo throws at us....we are winning...every day...coop

[[dr...]]

A day off bentos is always a victory regardless of how we feel. I truly feel none of us can go back even if we wanted to.  They turned on us and that's why most of us are here.  That's what can be so scary if we allow our minds to go down the rabbit hole.  We all have no safety net. We will all do it. No one left behind.

[[Gr...]]

Green,...let's all just float away from this ...come back when we have had a nice break...Are you still feeing better overall? ..Did you see another show? ...No matter what benzo throws at us....we are winning...every day...coop

 

Coop,

I think I'm on Sky's good day/bad day schedule.  I took the car to take a walk.  got there.  got too tired to get out.  unbelievably, for me, pushed the seat all the way back and took a nap instead of walking!  Then woke up startled and toxic!  A toxic nap in my car?  First, I have never taken naps, that I can remember, in my life.  Now I take naps, like a child nodding out in his car seat, and sometimes those naps are toxic. 

 

So not feeling great, but definitely glad to be out of that crazy wave we had going on, month 17.  That was awful.  Why are people so much more likely to reinstate so far out?  After all we've been through? 

 

How are you holding up, Coop?

[[Co...]]

Hi Green...I am a little behind you. Got hit yesterday with sx now tonight they are starting to lift. Like you, I was so absolutely knocked down I could hardly get off the bed to take the dog out.. I just don't get it.. I honestly thought there was something so wrong ( but not fooled enough to go to the clinic...) ..and just like that sx started lifting after about 6 hours....beat up and tired but better...I will take it. ...I guess even in windows we have to go carefully...This just has to be the last leg...It's ok to nap instead of walking...what else can we do but do whatever it takes to get through a given day...

....Rest up Green...healing is calling....coop

[[dr...]]

Green...your last post made me laugh.  Not that that happened to you but I can totally relate to the ridiculousness of this all.

[[ga...]]

Reading about those who give some thought to reinstating.  I think that is something we all have in common going through this process.  As bad as it has been the past few weeks I had some fleeting thoughts of taking an Ativan.  The good news is I didn't and I don't have lying around the house.  I guess I could go back to my psychiatrist and get a prescription.  The time involved in doing that would probably hold me back in any event.  Those of you who have tried rescue doses make it perfectly clear that this is not the way to go.  Especially, after close to two years of being off meds.  THe brain healing process takes time but it does occur.

 

Keep the faith folks....it will get better.  Never, never give in those difficult times.  Just come to this board where there are friends that will make sure to steer you in the right direction.  I am greatful to those here who have held my hand in the most difficult weeks since I've been off the drugs.

 

Thanks again

[[be...]]

Reading about those who give some thought to reinstating.  I think that is something we all have in common going through this process.  As bad as it has been the past few weeks I had some fleeting thoughts of taking an Ativan.  The good news is I didn't and I don't have lying around the house.  I guess I could go back to my psychiatrist and get a prescription.  The time involved in doing that would probably hold me back in any event.  Those of you who have tried rescue doses make it perfectly clear that this is not the way to go.  Especially, after close to two years of being off meds.  THe brain healing process takes time but it does occur.

 

Keep the faith folks....it will get better.  Never, never give in those difficult times.  Just come to this board where there are friends that will make sure to steer you in the right direction.  I am greatful to those here who have held my hand in the most difficult weeks since I've been off the drugs.

 

Thanks again

 

 

I gave into temptation of just one here and there six years after my first withdrawal.

I beg all of you...don't let your guard down into thinking it will be ok..because it's not.

Most of us took these pills for months and years and we remember what a nice relaxed feeling they give us and we want that feeling again.

While I don't have any pill cravings ..I do crave the calmness the stupid pills gave me..and I think this craving lasts for many years..so always be on guard...always!!!!