6-12 month thread....

[[je...]]

Peace, I don't think this is you at all. Also, I remember when I hit 8 months I thought I should be a lot farther along because let's face it 8 months is a long time. I'm sitting here at almost 12 months and I'm realizing I still have a long way to go. I'm way better than I was at 6 months but I still have healing to do. Try not to do the "what ifs" you are healing, I can hear it in your posts. We are all gonna make it Peace!

 

Mommy-- so sorry to hear about this, I will be praying for you today

 

Nova-- glad to hear from you, your breakfast sounds delightful. I loved your quote, it is definitely my new motto!

 

Sky-- thanks for your kind words

 

Peace-- both my boys have allergies, so we are limited as to what kind of dog we can get-- it can't shed, and my hubby is Mr. Macho and doesn't want a small dog. We are getting a Golden doodle-- half golden retriever half poodle, and they don't shed. I'm not looking forward to the chewing and potty training either..... The breeder says he's extremely laid back and calm, not hyper at all so I think and hope he will be a sweetie. Yes, my boys are over the moon excited!! We get him next Monday

[[No...]]

Jenny ... a laid back and calm puppy with children ... hmmm ... sounds like the definition of oxymoron ... and have fun ... dogs are so cool when they mature ... Mrs Nova is waiting for me to "mature" ... says she is waiting for the "laid back" moments ... well, at least I don't shed ... and am almost house broken ...

 

[[je...]]

Nova-- you just gave me a chuckle! 

[[Sk...]]

The potty training may not be as bad as  you think. How can you get lost in DP\Dp when you are cleaning up and teaching a pup the ropes ? How can the palps instill their terror in you when he is wagging his tail at you ?

 

How can the " what ifs " start their campaign when a dog is looking at you as if you were the only thing  missing to complete happiness ?

 

Ah,  I miss my puppy !

 

Seriously, dogs are the perfect partners at a time like this, because they help us to focus on what is truly important in life.  Heaven knows we need that now .

 

[[je...]]

Sky-- those were exactly my thoughts. I truly believe he will be a help with my healing. I need a little joy in my life and I'm hoping he will bring me some 

[[Gr...]]

I think I've had a sun break/window thing today. I'm not really sure. I don't feel 'like me' but I don't feel pathetic either, I feel a lightening of symptoms and wanted to clean most of the house. This is good, especially because my whole family is suffering with our first back to school colds. I would expect my symptoms to be worse with the cold and all kinds of stressful things, but in this moment I observe they are actually a hair better.

That's a long winded and hesitant celebration. Over thinking it is my middle name.

 

Peace2

 

I know that feeling exactly, not feeling too bad, but not like me.  Sounds like a little DP, but if you feel like cleaning the house, I'll take it!  LOL.  Have a wonderful day, Peace.  You deserve it.

[[Gr...]]

Peace,  ...hold on if you can. Many of us are having tough times in months 8-12... Ashton says ar heal...we ALL heal by months 12-14-18....and most of us are back to our normal lives by month 24. Month 8 was one of my most difficult times. I am definitely convinced of improvement now at month 10... not healed but more believing that I will heal....completely.

....I am clinging to Minnie 's pharmacist 's statement that EVERYONE heals. ....ADs are typically hard to get off of too when you want off and side effects are common....big weight gain being one of them .....Me too...I am depressed and tortured with intrusive thoughts...months 6-9.5 were the worst. It is much better at month 10. Peace,  you are really doing so good ( I know ...easy for me to say...I am not living in your experience).

.......You are so far out...4 more months you could see big improvement. ...Only you can decide what is best for you,  and you know we will all support you whatever you decide...

....I was a mess in month 8....month 9.5 a bad wave followed by improvement in my baseline....80% pretty consistently

......take care Peace...we are all with you...the Force is with you... coop

 

Coop, that's positive, a good place to be.  I'm right behind you, hopefully

[[Gr...]]

Well guys I survived 2 soccer games today and pictures in 100 degree weather. I was out there for about 4 hours today and I held up pretty good. I had to stand for about 40 minutes while my one son had his pictures taken and my POTS sx  were okay, I felt slightly dizzy but managed it. 3 months ago, I could not have been in the heat that long, so I do see some improvement. I was even friendly and social with all the parents, that is a hard one for me. I forced myself to go up to people and start a conversation, and I actually enjoyed doing it-- who knew? Then we all went out shopping for our new puppy, I decided we need a family dog and I'm hoping he helps me with my healing-- am I crazy to think that? He will be my therapy dog then we went out for wood fired pizza. The best part of my day is that I lived in the moment and didn't think about w/d or sx  for the entire day. I'm hoping this means I'm healing. Hugs to all of you, jenny

 

Jenny, I am sooo happy for you.  You girls with young children, I don't know how you manage.  It's funny you say that about the dog, I was in the city the other night and some young guy had a little pug puppy on a leash, he was about 14 weeks, adorable little pug puppy.  I had this wild desire to just play with this little puppy, feel his little puppy body wiggle.  I did play with him and it just felt great, so alive, something.  So yes for a dog, good idea I think   Who gets to walk the dog?  Coop swears that was the best thing for her, walking the dog.

[[Gr...]]

It's me..

 

This is a rough ride.  The adrenalin pumping thru me everyday is crazy. It's not that my heart beats fast it's that it seems to pound.  I only get an hours sleep and then it wakes me. The hot flashes seem to be seperate now.

 

The night before last when it woke me I had the sensation of alkaseltzer in my brain.  I got excited because I was hoping it meant things were shifting, but nope.

 

Was trying not to complain, but talking about it makes me feel better.  Mentally I seem ok.. That or this is over riding any symptoms.

 

I feel somehow responsible for this, but I know it's not true.  I'm making deals with God too. 

 

My MIL is here and cooking amazing food.  Maybe I overdid it?  Good thing I dropped caffeine weeks ago.

 

 

Graton, I've never experienced insomnia before this but if you have what I do then I don't think a pill would work.  Us waking up for various reasons seems to be adrenalin related right?  The cortisol rushes, etc. 

 

I am going to say something controversial and it's not in the cards for me, but my FIL used MM to get off Xanax.  He was on it for insomnia and the MM helped him go thru taper and w/d and he uses a tiny bit now to sleep.  I never concidered it because I don't like any funk on my brain. 

 

Peace-  I am with Green.  Think very carefully before taking something. This suffering is brutal.  I am amazed at the horrific affects on my body and constantly thank God I wasn't on it any longer then I was.  It feels like I will never sleep again or be able to regulate my body heat.  My only comfort right now is knowing I'm not alone.  I'm glad you got a car.  Turn the AC on for me.

 

Jenny-  it's funny... All I read was.. THE HEAT. .. Good job talking to people and hanging in there for the sports events.  Cog Fog is also brutal.  I made it to the beach with MIL, her boyfriend and the 3 year old.  It was fun and something I wanted to do, but in the background I felt uneasy.

 

Mrs-  that statistical what if thing you posted carried me thru.  I kept telling myself my body can make it but this is not fun.  My heart goes out to those with burning sensations and tinnitus. 

 

Pray for me if you can friends.  Just a short word like, 'Lord, don't forget MommyR'...

 

Thank you friends

 

Yes, M, my sleep is off again, too.  I agree, there's nothing to be taken, just have to wait until it adjusts and passes.

 

What is MM, though?

[[Gr...]]

Mommy, I am so sorry you are not sleeping as well.

 

Everything becomes harsher when we can't sleep.

 

I am not as well informed as you other guys on pills and medications. But I do know this;  taking an aspirin when I had a cold was brutal, my cold got better but everything else was awful. I think any pill, no matter how harmless, just interferes with the delicate balance there is in our bodies.

But I am speaking for myself, what works for me may not apply to others.

 

I take two naps during the day. I don't feel tired but still I take them, even if just to close my eyes. If I don't, my brain and body shut down and it is awful.

 

Our poor brains are healing, what  poison have we  been taking  to wreck ourselves this way ?

 

Sleeping is such an important part of the healing process.  I wish there were more information on how to handle it in wd.

 

These random musings are just to say I am thinking, and praying, for all the buddies who are not sleeping.

 

Jenny, Peace, so great to hear you had some great news !

 

A better day to all of us.

 

Yes, sleep is critical.  When I don't my s/x become unmanageable, I can't function at all.

[[Co...]]

Sky...my neice has a labradoodle and he is the sweetest dog ever. She has 2 very young girls ( 4 and 2) and the dog is wonderful with them....enjoy your puppy....

[[Gr...]]

I just am on the board for the first time since yesterday morning. Haven't been able to catch up on the postings...except I glanced and saw Jenny had a good day!  Congrts! Fantastic to hear.

 

I managed to get through the day with the family.  There were over 200 people at the reception for my second cousin who had his Bar Mitzvah.  Mostly kids, loud music and family and their friends.  For whatever reason, I felt like I was outside looking in at all the people celebrating and having fun.  Yes, I smiled and participated here and there, but just wasn't all there.  Feeling sorry for myself for not being more a part of it all.  Yeah...I knew I was very tired but at the same time I beat myself up for not having more fun.  Don't know why I am so hard on myself.

 

Woke up this morning in the hotel feeling ( slept well) depressed and alone.  I start over analyzing all these feelings making myself feel even worse.  Drives me crazy when I do this.  That feeling of why don't I feel more a part of my families lives and just disconnected right now.  This feeling comes and goes.  As I type this, I am feeling somewhat better getting ready to leave for a quick visit with relatives and then to the airport.  This pity party I have for myself has to change.  This attitude can REALLY suck at times and drive to very dark places.  I remind myself life isn't all that bad and I have good things in my life. Need to stay aware of this!

 

It is great to be able to come here to vent to my BB friends.  Folks here truly understand some of what I am feeling.  Maybe better than I do!  I'll post again later.  Have a great day.

 

Gart, you are way too hard on yourself.  I'm not that far behind you, and I could NEVER sleep anywhere else but my own bed.  (Don't necessarily sleep, lol)  And I was a serious traveler in my old life,  I went to some off the wall destinations and slept in tents, with bugs, potties that were holes in the ground.  Right now my mind BALKS when I think about sleeping in some other bed.  give yourself credit for getting on that plane and getting yourself to the event, for managing to show up and be there for family when you don't feel so great.  DP/DR is no joke.  We can't make light of the mental s/x, they're brutal and affect our lives just as much as the physical s/x.

[[Gr...]]

Peace, I don't think this is you at all. Also, I remember when I hit 8 months I thought I should be a lot farther along because let's face it 8 months is a long time. I'm sitting here at almost 12 months and I'm realizing I still have a long way to go. I'm way better than I was at 6 months but I still have healing to do. Try not to do the "what ifs" you are healing, I can hear it in your posts. We are all gonna make it Peace!

 

Mommy-- so sorry to hear about this, I will be praying for you today

 

Nova-- glad to hear from you, your breakfast sounds delightful. I loved your quote, it is definitely my new motto!

 

Sky-- thanks for your kind words

 

Peace-- both my boys have allergies, so we are limited as to what kind of dog we can get-- it can't shed, and my hubby is Mr. Macho and doesn't want a small dog. We are getting a Golden doodle-- half golden retriever half poodle, and they don't shed. I'm not looking forward to the chewing and potty training either..... The breeder says he's extremely laid back and calm, not hyper at all so I think and hope he will be a sweetie. Yes, my boys are over the moon excited!! We get him next Monday

 

Those are the best dogs!  And less to clean since the don't shed

[[He...]]

Thanks, Green. I'm going through this adjunct med question. It's my current intrusive and repetitive thought. How does one decide whether or not to try a med after withdrawal? It seems like eight months should be enough time to see convincing improvement that this will end. I'm not convinced. So, how long do I wait it out? Until the end? Doc said, "maybe an AD could help." And now I'm hooked on that idea. So confused.

 

Bought a blue car today. I'm grateful that's taken care of.

 

Glad you're catching a break!

 

Peace2

 

Hi Peace,

I tried an AD, per a doctor who seemed to understand benzo w/d, when I was about 4 months off and was feeling so horrible that I had to leave work early 2 days in a row.  I was desperate for some sort of help getting through my nights of insomnia and my days of anxiety....but it made my anxiety about 100X worse (which I didn't even know was possible!) by the 3rd day of being on it.  I decided right then and there that the only way through it, for me, was time and natural ways of managing my symptoms (walking, eating healthy, ect). 

I just think our systems are SO messed up from the benzos and that we have to be careful on what we add to the mix until we heal...maybe even long afterwards. 

Just wanted you to know about my experience as you are contemplating options.  (((hugs))) 

[[He...]]

Hi all,

I just had to pop in here and tell you all about my wonderful three days of healing. I felt so healed. no pain, depression, dizziness, stiffness, nothing, it was all gone for three glorious days. I shopped, got my hair cut, cooked, and ate a lot of my favorite foods. I just felt so normal, as if none of this withdrawal ever happened.

Although my symptoms are back today it really gave me the encouragement I needed to endure.

Please know that I am in no way bragging...just offering some encouragement to know that this hellacious process does get better and end. I really needed this!!

Keep on keeping on. Much healing to all.

 

How wonderful, Beulah!!!  Thanks for sharing and I know you will start having more and more of those days. 

[[He...]]

(warning:  somewhat of a downer post)

 

Good morning,

 

I feel like I have backslid in my healing process this week.  It's been a tough one of being in and out of a wave.  I even had a really rough 2 hour wave yesterday evening that felt like acute.  Just as I was completely convinced that I was minutes away from a heart attack or something else just as sinister, it lifted.  It wasn't caused by anything that I can put a finger on, it just happened...complete with anxiety, fear, and health anxiety.  UGH!!  :'(

 

I woke up this morning about 4:00 to use the bathroom and I couldn't go back to sleep, other than dozing.  My morning anxiety is revved up again, and I even felt those blasted internal vibrations.  I could just cry!  I was sure that I was HEALED, with just a shadow of symptoms hitting me now and then.....but this week makes me question that. 

 

6 - 18 months is the "average" healing time, right?  I'm 14 1/2 and just so DONE with this!!   

 

Mommy, thanks for sharing what your doctor said!  It was comforting to read.

 

Healing prayers for you all,

HH

 

 

HH- I am so sorry this has come back to visit.  It's uncomfortable and draining.  The trembling surprised me too.  Even though my doctor assures me this will pass, I feel like I will be sweating myself thru the rest of my life.  If it helps, I felt a bit comforted that have some waviness returning.  Not because I want to bring you down, but because it lines up with exactly what the doctor said.  When I read your post from the other day about symptoms returning it actually gave me hope because you have been good for soooooo long and so functional.  I, of course, want you completely healed, but all of us have this terrible fear of being left behind.  That we will be that ONE person.  You have proven to me that great progress can be made even with the roller coaster ride. 

 

I told my mom how you are getting your master's AND teaching school all while going thru this.  I shared about your helping peace and the steadiness of your words in the prior months.  Your previous non wavy posts gave me hope too and raised the bar on my functionality spectrum.  I have not doubt you will return to what you were feeling a month ago and this wave will end.

 

Hold on HH.  I am still very encouraged by your progress.  I am sorry for this wave, but still following you and uplifted by where you are and how far you have come.

 

MommyR

 

MommyR,

Thanks for your wonderful response.  It made me feel better, even through uncomfortable symptoms.    I understand the worry about being the ONE person...I have had it often, even in the midst of much, much healing.  It must be a symptom in and of itself....rather like health anxiety.  This whole recovery process is unbelievable to me, all of the weird twists and turns, but I take comfort that so many are experiencing such similar feelings.  I can't imagine going through this without support like we have here! 

Love and healing to you!

HH

[[Sk...]]

I just am on the board for the first time since yesterday morning. Haven't been able to catch up on the postings...except I glanced and saw Jenny had a good day!  Congrts! Fantastic to hear.

 

I managed to get through the day with the family.  There were over 200 people at the reception for my second cousin who had his Bar Mitzvah.  Mostly kids, loud music and family and their friends.  For whatever reason, I felt like I was outside looking in at all the people celebrating and having fun.  Yes, I smiled and participated here and there, but just wasn't all there.  Feeling sorry for myself for not being more a part of it all.  Yeah...I knew I was very tired but at the same time I beat myself up for not having more fun.  Don't know why I am so hard on myself.

 

Woke up this morning in the hotel feeling ( slept well) depressed and alone.  I start over analyzing all these feelings making myself feel even worse.  Drives me crazy when I do this.  That feeling of why don't I feel more a part of my families lives and just disconnected right now.  This feeling comes and goes.  As I type this, I am feeling somewhat better getting ready to leave for a quick visit with relatives and then to the airport.  This pity party I have for myself has to change.  This attitude can REALLY suck at times and drive to very dark places.  I remind myself life isn't all that bad and I have good things in my life. Need to stay aware of this!

 

It is great to be able to come here to vent to my BB friends.  Folks here truly understand some of what I am feeling.  Maybe better than I do!  I'll post again later.  Have a great day.

 

Gart, you are way too hard on yourself.  I'm not that far behind you, and I could NEVER sleep anywhere else but my own bed.  (Don't necessarily sleep, lol)  And I was a serious traveler in my old life,  I went to some off the wall destinations and slept in tents, with bugs, potties that were holes in the ground.  Right now my mind BALKS when I think about sleeping in some other bed.  give yourself credit for getting on that plane and getting yourself to the event, for managing to show up and be there for family when you don't feel so great.  DP/DR is no joke.  We can't make light of the mental s/x, they're brutal and affect our lives just as much as the physical s/x.

 

DITTO !

[[Sk...]]

Sky...my neice has a labradoodle and he is the sweetest dog ever. She has 2 very young girls ( 4 and 2) and the dog is wonderful with them....enjoy your puppy....

 

Coop, I haven't seen my little girl since January, she's with my mom in Southern Italy and I can't visit. Miss her and my cat, and my mom but at least I speak with her 3 times a day, I miss them all so much !

 

My cat knew something was off and felt bad about it, she was  so agitated. Guess what she should be taking according to the vet !

 

And my dog, just loved me any old way, she is such an optimist !Just the kind of buddy  to hang out with !

[[Sk...]]

Guys, this story is just so great. In case you haven't read it here is the http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=116675.0

[[He...]]

Good Sunday morning!  I sure appreciated the words of encouragement when I posted about the wave I am in....I was somewhat worried that I shouldn't because I didn't want to discourage anyone.  I am very thankful for this place to come for support when it is needed!

 

I am cautiously optimistic that my wave is on the way out.  I have had a pretty good weekend, with just some uncomfortable symptoms buzzing in the background.  I had my last spike in intensity on Friday night at a football game, and felt quite awful and I went home in the start of the 4th quarter.  I was also really tired from the first full week of teaching and I'm sure that made things worse.  I had that "jumping out of my skin" feeling almost all Friday, but that was the day that I woke up feeling awful.  I hope that Thursday and Friday were the peak of this wave.

 

Yesterday I was at my daughter's volleyball tournament all day.  It was in a town 2 1/2 hours from home and I felt good.  I cheered through the 4 games she played in and I kept the scorebook for one other game.  I was worried about being there after my rough day on Friday, but it went fine.  I slept good last night and slept in late this morning, missing church but getting some extra rest.  I had very vivid dreams this morning, but the vibrations were gone.  I woke up once because of an intense dream that verged on a nightmare, but was able to go right back to sleep.  So, all in all, I think I may be pulling out of this wave. 

 

I appreciate this thread so much!  It really helps to quiet my fears when they are loud.  This thread is a healing place! 

 

Love to you all,

HH

 

 

[[dr...]]

HH-your coming out of a wave is a good day for me. 

[[Gr...]]

Good Sunday morning!  I sure appreciated the words of encouragement when I posted about the wave I am in....I was somewhat worried that I shouldn't because I didn't want to discourage anyone. I am very thankful for this place to come for support when it is needed!

 

I am cautiously optimistic that my wave is on the way out.  I have had a pretty good weekend, with just some uncomfortable symptoms buzzing in the background.  I had my last spike in intensity on Friday night at a football game, and felt quite awful and I went home in the start of the 4th quarter.  I was also really tired from the first full week of teaching and I'm sure that made things worse.  I had that "jumping out of my skin" feeling almost all Friday, but that was the day that I woke up feeling awful.  I hope that Thursday and Friday were the peak of this wave.

 

Yesterday I was at my daughter's volleyball tournament all day.  It was in a town 2 1/2 hours from home and I felt good.  I cheered through the 4 games she played in and I kept the scorebook for one other game.  I was worried about being there after my rough day on Friday, but it went fine.  I slept good last night and slept in late this morning, missing church but getting some extra rest.  I had very vivid dreams this morning, but the vibrations were gone.  I woke up once because of an intense dream that verged on a nightmare, but was able to go right back to sleep.  So, all in all, I think I may be pulling out of this wave. 

 

I appreciate this thread so much!  It really helps to quiet my fears when they are loud.  This thread is a healing place! 

 

Love to you all,

HH

 

HH, you are absolutely my rock.  I know you bleed like any other mortal (aka I know you suffer in waves!)  But you are steady and solid and calm and fearless.  And you show me how I'm going to handle the waves at 14 months out.  So hoping this thing blows over for you before school tomorrow.

 

Also, other triggers besides starting school.  Change in the weather.  Your kids back in school and all the extra curr. you have going on.  The fact is you do a lot, even for someone not in w/d.  going for master's, teaching job, kids in a lot of sports

 

Hope you feel better soon 

[[Gr...]]

Sky...my neice has a labradoodle and he is the sweetest dog ever. She has 2 very young girls ( 4 and 2) and the dog is wonderful with them....enjoy your puppy....

 

Coop, I haven't seen my little girl since January, she's with my mom in Southern Italy and I can't visit. Miss her and my cat, and my mom but at least I speak with her 3 times a day, I miss them all so much !

 

My cat knew something was off and felt bad about it, she was  so agitated. Guess what she should be taking according to the vet !

 

And my dog, just loved me any old way, she is such an optimist !Just the kind of buddy  to hang out with !

 

Was wondering what happened to those two

[[Gr...]]

Guys, this story is just so great. In case you haven't read it here is the http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=116675.0

 

Sky, this is a great story.  Thanks for sharing it.

[[je...]]

Peace, I don't think this is you at all. Also, I remember when I hit 8 months I thought I should be a lot farther along because let's face it 8 months is a long time. I'm sitting here at almost 12 months and I'm realizing I still have a long way to go. I'm way better than I was at 6 months but I still have healing to do. Try not to do the "what ifs" you are healing, I can hear it in your posts. We are all gonna make it Peace!

 

Mommy-- so sorry to hear about this, I will be praying for you today

 

Nova-- glad to hear from you, your breakfast sounds delightful. I loved your quote, it is definitely my new motto!

 

Sky-- thanks for your kind words

 

Peace-- both my boys have allergies, so we are limited as to what kind of dog we can get-- it can't shed, and my hubby is Mr. Macho and doesn't want a small dog. We are getting a Golden doodle-- half golden retriever half poodle, and they don't shed. I'm not looking forward to the chewing and potty training either..... The breeder says he's extremely laid back and calm, not hyper at all so I think and hope he will be a sweetie. Yes, my boys are over the moon excited!! We get him next Monday

 

Those are the best dogs!  And less to clean since the don't shed

 

 

Thank Green, we are all excited. My huubby says he wants to walk the dog do he can train him the "right" way -- oh geez please! I think it will end up being me