6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Wow ... songs to do boot camp with ... maybe with all the music and the pt we could enter the "Benzo Revue" stage show this weekend ... 

[[...]]

Glad your eye is alright Nova!!

 

I never have gone to the er throughout this process, never had a doctors support...as a matter of fact, there is no record of me having any difficulties with benzos at all! How strange to think that I could have something this HUGE happen in my life, that takes this long, and no one knows about it but my husband, my mom, my grown kids, and of course me!

 

It seems amazing to me that my entire life has changed due to benzos and there is no record of anything that relates to it...I've suffered in true silence! Boy...I'm one amazing person!

 

WE ALL ARE!!!!

 

You are all amazing people! Thanks for being there!!

 

[[No...]]

Peace ... I have a small sense of how hard this is for you right now ... I hear you seeing how immense your "plate" is right now ... and we are all still in the one day at a time place right now ... and I know that when I struggle with "creating" my future everything seems impossible right now ...

 

And some days I do get the sense that for me there is a "difference" between "creating" my future and just "being in the moment" and "participating" in the creativity and gifts that will emerge from me ... and I feel that this isn't being "passive" ... being "lazy" ... rather it is being "attentive" and "accepting" ...

 

For me ... things are "easier" when I "participate" with what shows up rather than "creating" something out of whole cloth ...

 

There is a "song" that is "singing" my life into being ... I just need to listen and learn to sing along ...

 

There are fewer crashes when I stop directing traffic ... someone else is looking after that ...

 

This is probably poorly said ... so hard to put some of this awareness into words ...

 

A prayer and a hug ...

 

[[He...]]

I am struggling right now. I think there is a very real chance I could lose my job simply because I can not perform at the level expected. I have next to no energy and spent the day trying not to cry. It's all so very overwhelming with more tasks and more expectations coming down the pike. And more waves coming too…

 

I'm not sure how this ends. I know none of you can tell me either, but right now things are looking next to impossible and I don't even know where to focus. Focus on recovery, focus on getting through each day at this job. They are not the same thing. I read about your symptoms and lots of days that's me too, except in a classroom of 29 children with 6 other adults who want to collaborate with me and take them in small groups for French lessons, music lessons, art lessons, etc… My head would be spinning without withdrawal. My goal, and it's quite pathetic, is to work until October 1st because that's when my benefits kick in. If I can make it until then, I'll have at least a tiny cushion.

 

Why is this taking so long? What if it doesn't get better? I've only got eight months under my belt and can't imagine ten more.

Prayers are welcome.

Peace :'(

 

Praying for you, Peace.  I know that it is crazy hard!  I was there last year, but I didn't have the added pressure of it being a new job and trying to figure it all out.  ((((hugs))))  One day at a time is all you need to do. 

You wrote earlier about a successful first week with a group of inspired kids.  That is great!  Inspired students mean you are GOOD at what you do. 

Eight months is a big amount of healing, even when it doesn't feel like any has been going on.  You can do this! 

[[mr...]]

I am struggling right now. I think there is a very real chance I could lose my job simply because I can not perform at the level expected. I have next to no energy and spent the day trying not to cry. It's all so very overwhelming with more tasks and more expectations coming down the pike. And more waves coming too…

 

I'm not sure how this ends. I know none of you can tell me either, but right now things are looking next to impossible and I don't even know where to focus. Focus on recovery, focus on getting through each day at this job. They are not the same thing. I read about your symptoms and lots of days that's me too, except in a classroom of 29 children with 6 other adults who want to collaborate with me and take them in small groups for French lessons, music lessons, art lessons, etc… My head would be spinning without withdrawal. My goal, and it's quite pathetic, is to work until October 1st because that's when my benefits kick in. If I can make it until then, I'll have at least a tiny cushion.

 

Why is this taking so long? What if it doesn't get better? I've only got eight months under my belt and can't imagine ten more.

Prayers are welcome.

Peace :'(

 

Hi Peace,

 

I know exactly what you describe. I've worked throughout this entire process as well, so I know how challenging it can be. Many days felt like as depicted in "Groundhog's Day" the movie. So many times I'd take my break and go into the large conference room to cry. Coming home feeling the "exhausted/wired" feelings. So many thoughts that said "you can't do this" etc. But ya know what? We can Joel Osteen has been an almost daily listen for me -- he's super encouraging for me I go on YouTube and usually search his last name, and then a word to describe something I need encouragement on -- so for instance, if I want to hear his messages on fear, I'll search "osteen fear" and see what shows up I've found some really good messages that way, that pertain to me and what I'm looking to grow through. (My apologies if I've recommended him before to you; it slipped my mind if I did or not )

 

Might I suggest you drop Sophia a PM? She is that incredible success story who was also a teacher and continued to work full time all throughout her taper and recovery.  She had a very tough withdrawal recovery, especially the first year. She's still very active here on BB, and has been such a dear soul in replying to my PMs She'd probably be able to tell you better than I, but I think I remember her saying that getting past 9-10 months, things just started to steadily improve, with no more "window/wave" type patterns. So you're almost there chickie

 

Love you You're a warrior chick for moving onward like you are I have this hanging in my livingroom: "Impossible is only a state of mind, EVEN IN WITHDRAWAL. YES, I CAN do all things through Him who strengthens me. --> Go after it." It reminds me of you!

 

Take care friend,

 

Mrs.

[[...]]

I am struggling right now. I think there is a very real chance I could lose my job simply because I can not perform at the level expected. I have next to no energy and spent the day trying not to cry. It's all so very overwhelming with more tasks and more expectations coming down the pike. And more waves coming too…

 

I'm not sure how this ends. I know none of you can tell me either, but right now things are looking next to impossible and I don't even know where to focus. Focus on recovery, focus on getting through each day at this job. They are not the same thing. I read about your symptoms and lots of days that's me too, except in a classroom of 29 children with 6 other adults who want to collaborate with me and take them in small groups for French lessons, music lessons, art lessons, etc… My head would be spinning without withdrawal. My goal, and it's quite pathetic, is to work until October 1st because that's when my benefits kick in. If I can make it until then, I'll have at least a tiny cushion.

 

Why is this taking so long? What if it doesn't get better? I've only got eight months under my belt and can't imagine ten more.

Prayers are welcome.

Peace :'(

 

Peace, you will have my prayers, over and over!!

 

I pray for relief for you (and everyone here)! I'm so very sorry you are suffering!

 

My prayers are with you!!

 

[[He...]]

Hi all,

I'm still in and out of this weird wave.  Monday was really tough, I woke up feeling panicky and depressed, even had internal vibrations going on, and it hung around most of the day and I felt exhausted.  Yesterday I felt normal again, but then today I woke up from bad/weird dreams.  I didn't have the anxiety to the level that I did on Monday, but felt "off".  It got better almost right away, but I know that this wave is still lapping at my ankles because I normally don't feel that way in the mornings anymore. I felt good today, just am very tired right now.

It's hard to figure out how much is a random wave and how much is exacerbated by the first few weeks of school...the increase of demands on every aspect of my life.  Normally I am pretty exhausted the first few weeks, so that is normal I guess.  I'm sure that it must be causing an increase in the old w/d symptoms.  I need to start making myself go for walks every day, it's just hard when I'm SOOO tired!!  I know that it will actually help that situation out, however.  Time to find my big girl panties and take my dog out for a walk this evening....even though all I want to do is curl up in my bed.

 

Prayers of healing for you all! 

Lots of love,

HH 

 

[[pe...]]

Thank you, Nova.

Thank you, HH.

Thank you, GMIT.

Thank you, Mrs.

 

Mrs (and all) you mention windows and waves. I can't remember my last real window, maybe 2 or 4 months ago. A rare and almost unbelievable occurrence. That's one of the things that's weighing on me. A little break would go a long way in providing hope. Without those sun breaks it's hard to believe this gets better. I'm trying to believe your words of hope. Thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it more than you can know.

 

Peace2

[[mr...]]

Thank you, Nova.

Thank you, HH.

Thank you, GMIT.

Thank you, Mrs.

 

Mrs (and all) you mention windows and waves. I can't remember my last real window, maybe 2 or 4 months ago. A rare and almost unbelievable occurrence. That's one of the things that's weighing on me. A little break would go a long way in providing hope. Without those sun breaks it's hard to believe this gets better. I'm trying to believe your words of hope. Thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it more than you can know.

 

Peace2

 

I know I mention windows & waves for Sophia, but to be honest -- she never really had window/waves. Just a teensy bit less suffering, and/or a more intense suffering. Along with a slow, slow pattern of improvement that she could only see in 3-6 month intervals. So I say you're right on track!!  Love you

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Peace...you are in my heart tonight....here are my 'emergency ' strategies....delegate to any adult in your classroom who has capabilities...and then...this is the hard part...try to let it go once you have delegated. They may not do it perfectly,  but most likely you are the only one who is going to notice...Try to focus on the 5 most important priorities ( although I know you are the kind of teacher who considers it all priority.....more room for that next year when you are more healed) .....can you bo ok with ' very good teacher ' this year and go for stunning outstanding teacher next year?.....Remember ...you have some latitude with your principal this year....didn't he say that he expected the first year to be ' settling in ' ?...... go with that if you can.

........Try to frame your teaching year in broken up stretches....get to Thanksgiving.....plan a quiet personal Christmas for your family and use Christmas break to breathe.....get to spring break ( you should be feeling a lot better by then......then slide into home with summer break....

.....You are going to be ok Peace...( easy for me to say....I sm not in your ruby red shoes)......... and there is absolutely no shame in asking for a leave of absence if it all becomes too much.

........Nova is right....struggling across the rip tide uses up all your energy.....'going ' with it will help....although I am the first one to say hoe hard that is

........we are all supporting you Peace....you are not alone in this

....You have come a very long way. ...I sm one week into month 10 and things seem to be going in a reliable healing direction. I also did not have more than one window between month 6 and 8...just bad days,  worse days and survivable days.....

.....thinking of you Peace.....love to you Mighty Girl......coop

[[Co...]]

Nova....so glad your eye is ok.....I fall into the same 'trap '....any physical s/x triggers the whole health fear loop.........

.......You sound like you did the Hudini mind moves and escaped the trap with expert strategy...

.....love your drop by visits....we miss you when we don't see you for a couple of days.  .You sound good...coop

[[Co...]]

Just a check in.....my wave is lifting ( I think...I hope)... The head pressure and dizziness has been better ...including complete relief for hours at a time. Headache...gone....head pressure much better...comes and goes but most of the pressure is in my ears.

.....There seems to be a pattern that is trying to emerge....acute s/x in the morning ( anxiety,  dread,  health fear, depression and intrusive thoughts and fears....the whole gang shows up for breakfast)... Within a few hours it lifts to a ddecent baseline of 75-80%. ...This pattern has been trending for the last 3/4 days...huge relief. Energy still iffy...appetite bad ( nos I weigh102  instead....

of 110)....sleep better ( usually 5-6 hours straight). I will take it.  I can manage almost anything except the head pressure and dizziness.

....Today I had a wide open window with " an effortless mind " as Life says. I felt like my old self this afternoon for 6 hours...smiling at the dog happy...able to enjoy the beautiful early fall day and have lunch with my friend.

....I am going slow and taking things slow and avoiding stress...

..For everyone enduring a bad wave in months 8-12...these can br brutal waves....but they get better....I sm taking Nova 's approach...yhr Ghandi ' no resistance mindfulness...however I will say I am unable to ' go with it ' in a bad wave..I have to be closer to baseline to have that mindset. In a wave I just get on BBs and ignite group anxiety with describing every s/x every hour and begging for reassurance ...

.....thinking of all of you tonight. Wishing everyone healing and peaceful sleep.....coop

[[Te...]]

Thanks so very much, MikeJee, for your post!! The crazy thing about these excruciating pains I'm getting in my foot is that they move around, leave for a bit, and then BAM - very, very painful in one spot for quite a long period of time. When I'm asleep, though, there's no pain. That makes me think it's w/d because my nerves must be coming back to life again, or whatever is happening in my body, and while asleep my nerves aren't acting up. I'm too afraid to take anything for it.

[[Te...]]

My heart goes out to you, Peace2. I don't know how you do it, working at a school. Having worked at a very busy one for years (not in your capacity, though, but in the office), there are stimuli everywhere one turns, and it's nonstop. I am so hoping that when October comes along, you'll feel more financially secure and at ease. I wish you the best in your recovery and more and longer windows in your near future!! 

[[pa...]]

I am struggling right now. I think there is a very real chance I could lose my job simply because I can not perform at the level expected. I have next to no energy and spent the day trying not to cry. It's all so very overwhelming with more tasks and more expectations coming down the pike. And more waves coming too…

 

I'm not sure how this ends. I know none of you can tell me either, but right now things are looking next to impossible and I don't even know where to focus. Focus on recovery, focus on getting through each day at this job. They are not the same thing. I read about your symptoms and lots of days that's me too, except in a classroom of 29 children with 6 other adults who want to collaborate with me and take them in small groups for French lessons, music lessons, art lessons, etc… My head would be spinning without withdrawal. My goal, and it's quite pathetic, is to work until October 1st because that's when my benefits kick in. If I can make it until then, I'll have at least a tiny cushion.

 

Why is this taking so long? What if it doesn't get better? I've only got eight months under my belt and can't imagine ten more.

Prayers are welcome.

Peace :'(

 

Peace, I'm sorry you're struggling.  I think you should just take it one day at a time.  We jumped around the same time, and I'd say I'm around 90% recovered.  The same will happen for you very soon, but as you know... no one knows exactly when.  I suspect that you're not doing as bad with your job as it feels like.  That's another s/x in all of this, where you're your own worst critic.  Just take it a day at a time and before you know it this thing  is going to be over.  It really will.  Hang in there!

[[li...]]

Hi everyone... it is so nice to see new faces here. I enjoy the active participation of the group. I would like to throw something out there and see who responds. I am struggling with understanding if what I am going through is "me" or is it the "benzo beast" or is it "both"? Here is what I am saying... I am now having some real big external stimuli and stresses in my life. I am not sure what part of my anxiety is "normal" as this is a stressful event and which part is "benzos". Here are my symptoms:

 

I wake in the morning decent... I then "what if" all the different scenarios that this event could have... by the afternoon I "what if" everything  and before I know it my mind puts me into a heavy DR with no apparent actual thoughts going through my head anymore -- just anxiety in my head with dr. Does anyone out there get just raw anxiety in your head with no physical symptoms and the anxiety is just swirling where you no longer can even tell what thoughts your head is saying -- just anxious?

 

I feel pretty good today and thinking about going to a retreat for 9 days... I have been staying away from the boards although I have been feeling in a wave because I was wondering what part of all this could be benzos after almost 12 months? I get concerned that this may be the way I am. I do know that I get windows allot when I am not stressed so I know that I will be feeling good soon... the event that is stressing me might still hang around for 6 months which sucks.

 

I am so happy to see so many people on the tread. You all are family. I do not know what I would have done if it were not for the generous support on this thread and BB as a whole.

 

Love,

 

Life

[[...]]

Life, were you like this before? I suspect that you weren't, and if not, it's the Benzos...I still "what if" but only when I'm not feeling as good! I think it's the wd! Mine has improved SO very much!

 

[[pa...]]

Hi Life... my opinion on this is that it's both, but it's mostly benzo w/d.  While recovering from benzos, our CNS is incredibly sensitive to all stimuli.  Things which would cause anxiety in anyone, are amplified for those in benzo w/d.  I feel like it's 80% w/d and 20% normal anxiety (but amplified).

 

I'm pretty far along the road to recovery, and I'm still very sensitive to stressors.  One thing that has helped me in "reprogramming" these "what if's" is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).  I highly recommend it.

 

Take care.

[[Mo...]]

You guys I am crying and scared. 

 

The detox Dr. called me and said to come in but I said no pushing drugs on me.  I want an EKG because these hot flashes have my heart weird.  I don't want to go to the ER, etc.  I have no other doctor to turn to, but I know he is going to say this isn't W/D but I know it is.

 

This is not who I was before.  Fear and panic were never part of my life before benzo.  I was progressing and doing fine before vacation.  Please pray for me.  I just want to live thru this.  I just want my body to hold up while no one pushes their judgements on me. 

[[ga...]]

Wow Life...I am struggling with the "what if's" at 14 months and having a hard time coping.  Sleep is really affected along with a spike in the anxiety.  I ask the same questions you do in regards to is this drugs related or the new me.  A hard one to answer.  Allison posted a link on the thread I started this morning on 14 months out still struggling.  Has some excellent techniques for dealing with worry and anxiety.  I am dealing with some stressors also coming up shortly.  I know they have my "what if's" going through the roof. 

[[Sk...]]

You guys I am crying and scared. 

 

The detox Dr. called me and said to come in but I said no pushing drugs on me.  I want an EKG because these hot flashes have my heart weird.  I don't want to go to the ER, etc.  I have no other doctor to turn to, but I know he is going to say this isn't W/D but I know it is.

 

This is not who I was before.  Fear and panic were never part of my life before benzo.  I was progressing and doing fine before vacation.  Please pray for me.  I just want to live thru this.  I just want my body to hold up while no one pushes their judgements on me.

 

Hang in there, nobody can force anything on you. 

 

You don't know that is what he is going to say. If he does just let him talk.

 

I doubt he will deny you an EKG. And hopefully you will feel better after it.

 

Take care.

[[je...]]

Hang in there Mommy! Let us know how your doctor visit goes, thinking of you....

Life-- I have been thinking the same thoughts lately-- is this me or w/d? I think because we are almost a year out it is more hard on us. I've finally come to the conclusion that my social anxiety is all me, I had it pre benzo so I can't blame it on w/d anymore. I will say I'm more sensitive about it now, and I believe that part is all w/d. Basically its me, but a more highly sensitive person. I'm now starting to wonder about my physical sx , am I sick or do I have a health concern?? I've decided I'm going to wait until I'm 2 years out and then if I still have physical sx  then I will have to get checked by a doctor. Jenny

[[Mi...]]

Update and random scatterbrained ramblings.....

 

Day 4 of my really bad 11 month wave:

 

Feeling quite a bit better today but far from how I was 5 days ago.  Much less physically anxious today, (the first 30 minutes of the morning was a trip though) not quite as dizzy, less muscle tension.  The cog fog is still going strong, can't remember anything from 5 minutes ago.  (If any of this makes sense I'll be surprised, but my intentions are good)  Extreme fatigue still, just wanna sleep but don't exactly have that option.  Tomorrow I hope my brain is sharper and the hair/sand feeling in the back of my throat goes away.  If the deep muscle itching and cold feet would leave that would be nice too.  lol

 

COOOOP!  You just had me laughing my ass off when you said "the whole gang shows up for breakfast".  It's so true!!

 

To the rest of you who are scared, it's ok to be scared but don't dwell on it.  Acceptance is key.  I have never had social anxiety in my life, but from time to time I have it really bad, even when I'm not in a wave.  It's not really who I am, so I don't dwell on it when it happens.  I accept it for what it is.  (TEMPORARY BULLSHIT!!!) Here's three examples of why you shouldn't play the "what if" game, and the "am I broken" game.

 

Last night IN THIS WAVE I had to attend the first cub scout pack meeting of the year with about 50 people I knew; I just wanted to leave.  Don't talk to me, don't look at me kind of thing.  Social anxiety all the way baby!  One month ago (NOT IN A WAVE) I saw Sammy Hagar and felt uncomfortable the entire concert.  Just kinda stood there nervously in a crowd and had zero fun.  Now get this!  A couple weeks ago I was with 20,000 people cheering and screaming like a kid at a Motley Crue show!!  I had a blast!  And now for 4 days it's been tough again.....but oh well, I'm apparently tougher!!  There's a lesson in this rambling somewhere.... Take how you feel now and just accept it.  Don't let it scare you.  YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!  The human body returns to normal in time.  We haven't been killing brain cells sniffing paint behind a dumpster for gods sake!!  We simply took something that decreases GABA production in the brain.  With time it goes back to normal, new neuropathways form, we feel better, period!  If you think about that FACT any other way, you're setting yourself up for a more painful recovery.

 

I will let my feminine side finish this ramble...  A beautiful new life awaits us, we will be reborn into our former selves with a new appreciation for the little things, I have seen several wonderful previews already on this journey.  Each made me feel like crying with joy.  I am not special, I am just like you, and you are just like me.  Together we will heal and walk into the sunlight smiling at a fresh new world that awaits, and that was absolutely worth waiting for.

 

Have a great night everyone.

[[dr...]]

ha Mike...your fem side.  YOu made me laugh.  My wave symptoms seem to be fading.  Not out of the woods by any means but the incredible sinus pressure and cog fog is way down.  Makes dealing with everything else easier.  Hope everyone gets at least a small bit of peace today.

[[fl...]]

((((Mommy))))

 

Life, I'm with you when it comes to wondering if it's me or w/d.  I like Jenny's plan, and I'm going to adopt it:  Let two years pass, and THEN dealing with any lingering problems.

 

Mike, your posts about concerts was timely.  I went to a concert last week of a pretty famous band from the 80's.  I was close to the stage, (too close for my social anxiety). The cheeky lead singer waved at me and blew a kiss.  It really shook me up, and I needed a couple days to calm down from that.  It's actually funny to me now.....

 

Hi Coop.  Thanks for always encouraging everyone.  You're our head cheerleader!