6-12 month thread....

[[ga...]]

I am back home after my weekend in New York.  I wish I could say I am feeling great but that is far from the case.  THe visit with relatives and the plane trip home was just going through the motions.  I feel depressed and very detached.  I was up a good part of the night and thought about getting on the board and venting.  It is now 5:00 a.m. and here I am.  I had been laying in bed much of the night rehashing my thoughts and feelings I had over this trip.  Why did I get so lost in thinking about how and why I was feeling the way I was.  Why couldn't I snap out of it and have a good time.  I was just there going through the motions with my wife and son, cousins and their friends.  What is there to look forward too in the future?  I can't keep feeling so lost in my own thoughts and depressed feelings.  There has to be more to my life. 

 

So sorry to be a downer but this is what is going on now.  I don't go back to work for a few days and I am suppose to play golf with friends today.  I certainly don't feel up to it but I know I have to find distractions.  I just don't want to continue going through my life looking for distractions just to get by.  I really want to feel enjoyment and connections.  I have know idea why this is such an issue.  I seem to have been going backwards the last month or two and have know idea why.

 

So frustrated.  Thanks for listening to my venting.

[[ga...]]

I haven't been up to reading all the posts but I do care how everyone is doing and I FEEL for those still suffering.  I will catch up with everyone during the next few days.  My best wishes to all here!

[[Gr...]]

Green - Maybe you were trying to sneak into month 11 unnoticed, but congrats! Everyday is one day closer to feeling GOOD! I'm glad you got to celebrate with an outing with the ladies.  You deserve so many happy days. They're coming!

 

Peace2

 

Peace, you're an angel!  Thank you for remembering. I was trying to sneak in, lol.  And congrats on eight months.

 

I've found my positive sea legs.  Yes, we are going to make it. 

[[Gr...]]

Green congrats on 11 months!

 

Peace, congrats on 8 months!

 

Look at the accomplishment! You are both amazing and doing such a great job! You should be so proud!!

 

Hope everyone else is well!

 

 

Thank you, G!

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Green, thank you for always encouraging buddies with a personal response.  It means a lot.

 

Peace, so glad you've had a taste of feeling normal.  May it continue.

 

Floc, I've grown very attached to my support family.  I know there will come a day when we all get better and move on, which is as it should be.  But for now, YOU GUYS ARE IT!!

[[Mi...]]

Just wanted to say hello I'm new in this thread. I'm just 6 months after last dose. I would like to celebrate but it isn't a good day ...

[[Gr...]]

Hi all.

 

I am just entering month six off ativan and feel absolutely terrible.  I had a good month four and five and this past week sxs from hell.  Major mouth, esophagus and upper stomach burning.  Facial numbness.  Fear of what is happening.  My last few months I have had lots of windows with short waves of a day or two.  I had hoped the end was in sight. 

 

I do eat clean and exercise moderately.  Have quit both jobs shortly after tapering off ativan as I have tried to destress and get well again. 

 

Any encouragement or advice would be appreciated.

 

.Sincerely,

 

Domestic Advisor

 

Hi DA

 

Yes, I've had the numbness, facial, and the abdomen, for some bizarre reason.  It's gotten better, used to be like after the dentist.  Now it comes and goes with waves.

 

Is the burning like inflammation or the nerve burning people talk about?  Because I stayed on Nexium for gastritis and burning in the esophagus.  I'm certain this is w/d and that it will go away.

 

It's not unusual for s/x to ramp up where you're at.  It's not fun, but it's pretty common.

 

What I do:  Ignore as much as you can, as long as you can.  And come here for support.

 

 

Hi Green:

 

Thanks for the reply.  My burning is like a skin scrape after falling.  But finally it is gone.  Though last night my body was humming and my heart palps were so loud. 

 

Today I am going for routine bloodwork and to my biomagnetic alternative therapist.  He seems to be the only one who helps me.  He says my esophagus is inflamed and to stay away from gluten and red meats.

 

Life sure is interesting.  Will run cross country as a coach with my daughters grade eight class today.  Going to a back to school bbq tonight and will attempt the big crowd.  I am able to do that with more ease each month.

 

Cheers!

 

Domestic Advisor

 

You're still pretty early in the game.  Focus on what's positive, how you are getting better.

 

Is your therapist an M.D.?  Did he do an endoscopy?  I think that's the only way to tell if the esophagus is inflamed.  I had one done, and yes, mine is inflamed, but I'm pretty certain being on the meds so long may have something to do with that.  So that's a real finding.  Most of our complaints come up negative after testing.  Diet definitely helps.  I think just being off the meds will improve every aspect of your health, and you will feel better and better the longer you're off.

[[Gr...]]

Just wanted to say hello I'm new in this thread. I'm just 6 months after last dose. I would like to celebrate but it isn't a good day ...

 

Welcome!  Hope to hear more from you when you're feeling better

[[Gr...]]

To all of you gals with small kids, and those of us with big kids,

 

I felt so guilty about the effect my withdrawal had on my kids, as though I were irreparably damaging them. 

 

I drove my older one to work today, and I realized we're closer now than we've ever been.  I think withdrawal has given me a deeper level of compassion and wisdom that I didn't have before, borne of suffering, I guess, and an ability to truly accept my boys for who they are, not impose my own ego, my own ideas about who and what they should be.  After being so sick, I realize that the thing I want for my children is that they be healthy and happy and true to themselves.  Actually, I think withdrawal is making me a better mother, a better human being.  Is this a silver lining of withdrawal?

[[li...]]

Hi everyone. Looks like the thread has been active. Been in a wave and just getting do tired of this s$&@! I'm in NYC with family and can't seem to snap out if it. I am still struggling with the "is this Just me?" Symptoms. I am typing from a phone so it's hard to post. I pray that everyone gets windows. I'm just so tired as I look back this crap has put me in waves for two years now. I know in windows my perspective changes so sorry if I sound negative. God bless everyone!

 

Life

 

Hang in there, Life. It's almost your one year anniversary.  What kind of s/x are you getting?

 

Hi everyone, the side effects are mostly fear,anxiety and depression from time to time. The fear seems to be from the "is this me?"  or "am I stuck this way?"... I kind of fell from the reservation of the BB theory but it does me no good to think this way. I am so very happy that I booked a 8 day retreat starting on the 19th ( my one year aniversity by chance) to go to a self help retreat. I feel I just need it. First, my law suit really flared up the waves and then I started thinking like this wave will never end. I have never been in a wave for this long - EVER. Max a week and this has now been 6 weeks. It is wearing on me. I know that part if not all of it is situational stress -- but while I am in it I tend to forget what through me into a wave and I just keep beating myself up for feeling bad. I just wished that I was not so frozen in fear. it sucks. I am not used to being this way. I am not in a really deep wave to speak of but just angry , upset, disillusioned, and etc. I am also concerned about what this has done to my finances which are still good but here I go again "what if I stay this way?". Wow, I am not happy being this way... a window will come with massive healing I know.

 

Life

[[wh...]]

Hi Coop and gang;

I am better but kind of where you are coop ....cycling? I'll be OK and then I'll get crushing anxiety and crying and very bad health anxiety.  For me its always the breathing.  Tight chest or throat or abdomen, tingling and numbness.  Fear of not getting better; fear of fear; ....you all know.  I'm glad it is slowly being recognized as real.

When I feel good it is so nice and it happens more often.  The fear is not as intense but still horrible but not unbearable. 

I've been taking my supplements and exercising even though I just want to curl up sometimes and hide.

Slow and steady...that's what we do.

Garton:  I know how you feel on the trip.  I went to New York when things were at their worst.  I managed to have fun...you will be ok soon.  It gets better.

GreenIce;  I love what you have to say about your relationships with your children and just being better because of this hell.  There is a silver lining.  I felt so guilty about my kids seeing me fall apart and not being there for them like I had always been. I think we will be able to love even stronger than before.  Thanks for posting that.  All of you....amazing people. 

Thank you Coop for always thinking of everyone through all of this. You are awesome.

[[ga...]]

whoot...thanks. I hope you are right.  It's been tough.  As others have posted I can be very hard on myself and I have unrealistic expectations of where I should be and how I should be feeling.  My wife hit me upside the head this morning and reminded me I successfully got through this NYC trip.  I didn't fall apart and I managed to smile and be somewhat engaging. (even though my mind was not all there.)  I so easily forget the positives.

 

Life...I know how you're feeling.  This extended down period takes such a toll on you.  We must keep plowing through it to finally reach the other side.  I have to remind myself this is temporary and there will be good times in the future.  I am angry and frustrated too, expecting to be much better than I am.  I guess I have to lower the bar and not expect miracles. 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone. Looks like the thread has been active. Been in a wave and just getting do tired of this s$&@! I'm in NYC with family and can't seem to snap out if it. I am still struggling with the "is this Just me?" Symptoms. I am typing from a phone so it's hard to post. I pray that everyone gets windows. I'm just so tired as I look back this crap has put me in waves for two years now. I know in windows my perspective changes so sorry if I sound negative. God bless everyone!

 

Life

 

Hang in there, Life. It's almost your one year anniversary.  What kind of s/x are you getting?

 

Hi everyone, the side effects are mostly fear,anxiety and depression from time to time. The fear seems to be from the "is this me?"  or "am I stuck this way?"... I kind of fell from the reservation of the BB theory but it does me no good to think this way. I am so very happy that I booked a 8 day retreat starting on the 19th ( my one year aniversity by chance) to go to a self help retreat. I feel I just need it. First, my law suit really flared up the waves and then I started thinking like this wave will never end. I have never been in a wave for this long - EVER. Max a week and this has now been 6 weeks. It is wearing on me. I know that part if not all of it is situational stress -- but while I am in it I tend to forget what through me into a wave and I just keep beating myself up for feeling bad. I just wished that I was not so frozen in fear. it sucks. I am not used to being this way. I am not in a really deep wave to speak of but just angry , upset, disillusioned, and etc. I am also concerned about what this has done to my finances which are still good but here I go again "what if I stay this way?". Wow, I am not happy being this way... a window will come with massive healing I know.

 

Life

 

Life, when I lose my footing, lose my way, I drop to my knees, I surrender "control" of things over which I truly have no control, to a power greater than myself, whether you want to call that God or the universe, it can be either.  As long as I don't carry around all the weight of things over which I have absolutely no control.  When I do it with all my heart, do it right, truly let go, I feel the release, and I feel lighter and free. I might still be in a wave, but my suffering is significantly decreased.  It takes practice.  My instinct is to "pick it all up" again and again.  So I do it frequently.  I'm getting better with practice.

 

Your load is very heavy.  You need to find a way to lighten it. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Coop and gang;

I am better but kind of where you are coop ....cycling? I'll be OK and then I'll get crushing anxiety and crying and very bad health anxiety.  For me its always the breathing.  Tight chest or throat or abdomen, tingling and numbness.  Fear of not getting better; fear of fear; ....you all know.  I'm glad it is slowly being recognized as real.

When I feel good it is so nice and it happens more often.  The fear is not as intense but still horrible but not unbearable. 

I've been taking my supplements and exercising even though I just want to curl up sometimes and hide.

Slow and steady...that's what we do.

Garton:  I know how you feel on the trip.  I went to New York when things were at their worst.  I managed to have fun...you will be ok soon.  It gets better.

GreenIce;  I love what you have to say about your relationships with your children and just being better because of this hell.  There is a silver lining.  I felt so guilty about my kids seeing me fall apart and not being there for them like I had always been. I think we will be able to love even stronger than before.  Thanks for posting that.  All of you....amazing people. 

Thank you Coop for always thinking of everyone through all of this. You are awesome.

 

Hang on, Whoot, tight chest was my worst s/x.  And it's really gone now.

[[wh...]]

Welcome Misio

We all support each other here.  You can tell us anything; no judgments here; we know how you feel and we believe you. it helps.  Take care.  It does get better.

Garton:  I know what you mean about forgetting the good when it gets bad..... thankfully it works the other way as well. Look forward to that.  I myself am having a rough go the last couple of weeks.  Ugh.  Stay strong my friend. We are here for you.  We are planning this big trip to Mexico and it is hard to get excited but I'm going no matter what. Me 1 Benzos 0  lol

Thanks Green Ice....hate it.  silly benzo sx.  You are so much better now and have been so supportive. 

[[Sk...]]

whoot...thanks. I hope you are right.  It's been tough.  As others have posted I can be very hard on myself and I have unrealistic expectations of where I should be and how I should be feeling.  My wife hit me upside the head this morning and reminded me I successfully got through this NYC trip.  I didn't fall apart and I managed to smile and be somewhat engaging. (even though my mind was not all there.)  I so easily forget the positives.

 

Life...I know how you're feeling.  This extended down period takes such a toll on you.  We must keep plowing through it to finally reach the other side.  I have to remind myself this is temporary and there will be good times in the future.  I am angry and frustrated too, expecting to be much better than I am.  I guess I have to lower the bar and not expect miracles.

 

Garton, I just want to say that you should not trust your thoughts in wd.

 

I see wd as being drunk for a very long time. Would you go make big decisions when drunk ? Would you trust yourseld with life or death decisions ? Well, maybe you would but you would not be happy with the results.

 

Wd makes us introspective. Write your thoughts down, journal them, maybe that will give you some distance to  see what you really feel.

I have  a hard time writing, today it is harder, much harder. But when things feel awful, I try to write it down, by pen and it sort of feels better for a while.

WE have to divide wd in  many " a while ". I know  you are tired of doing just this, but it will be over sooner than we think and then, we can think clearer.

 

I am very tired too today. I have such a hard time doing practical things,like keeping my  lessons straight, remembering things and writing now.

 

I can't make my brain go faster, and after a few hours it simply shuts down.

 

Hope I manage to get through this trial lesson I have in half  an hour. Actually, I hope to have some regular students, so I can stop giving trial lessons, and keep the wolf away !

 

But this is a trip in humility, and scraping the bottom seems to be a part of it. I refuse to believe this will not make me stronger in any way.

 

Ok, that's enough raving !

[[Sk...]]

To all of you gals with small kids, and those of us with big kids,

 

I felt so guilty about the effect my withdrawal had on my kids, as though I were irreparably damaging them. 

 

I drove my older one to work today, and I realized we're closer now than we've ever been.  I think withdrawal has given me a deeper level of compassion and wisdom that I didn't have before, borne of suffering, I guess, and an ability to truly accept my boys for who they are, not impose my own ego, my own ideas about who and what they should be.  After being so sick, I realize that the thing I want for my children is that they be healthy and happy and true to themselves.  Actually, I think withdrawal is making me a better mother, a better human being.  Is this a silver lining of withdrawal?

 

I think you are right GreenIce

[[Co...]]

Green...congratulations!!!...ELEVEN MONTHS..!!!....Girl...you are going to make it. So happy for you that you went out with the girls...so good for the healing confidence. Green,  I cant believe how close you are to year one. I am following in your footsteps every inch of the way. You are so steadfast and focused on moving forward...You are a help and an inspiration to all of us... .

....Our worst days are behind us...our best days are right in front of us. You deserve 100% healing in this month....wishing you an " effortless mind "...

....love to you dear friend.....coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi Coop and gang;

I am better but kind of where you are coop ....cycling? I'll be OK and then I'll get crushing anxiety and crying and very bad health anxiety.  For me its always the breathing.  Tight chest or throat or abdomen, tingling and numbness.  Fear of not getting better; fear of fear; ....you all know.  I'm glad it is slowly being recognized as real.

When I feel good it is so nice and it happens more often.  The fear is not as intense but still horrible but not unbearable. 

I've been taking my supplements and exercising even though I just want to curl up sometimes and hide.

Slow and steady...that's what we do.

Garton:  I know how you feel on the trip.  I went to New York when things were at their worst.  I managed to have fun...you will be ok soon.  It gets better.

GreenIce;  I love what you have to say about your relationships with your children and just being better because of this hell.  There is a silver lining.  I felt so guilty about my kids seeing me fall apart and not being there for them like I had always been. I think we will be able to love even stronger than before.  Thanks for posting that.  All of you....amazing people. 

Thank you Coop for always thinking of everyone through all of this. You are awesome.

 

Don't feel guilty.  Getting off this crap is the best thing we can do for ourselves and our kids

[[Gr...]]

whoot...thanks. I hope you are right.  It's been tough.  As others have posted I can be very hard on myself and I have unrealistic expectations of where I should be and how I should be feeling.  My wife hit me upside the head this morning and reminded me I successfully got through this NYC trip.  I didn't fall apart and I managed to smile and be somewhat engaging. (even though my mind was not all there.)  I so easily forget the positives.

 

Life...I know how you're feeling.  This extended down period takes such a toll on you.  We must keep plowing through it to finally reach the other side.  I have to remind myself this is temporary and there will be good times in the future.  I am angry and frustrated too, expecting to be much better than I am.  I guess I have to lower the bar and not expect miracles.

 

Garton, I just want to say that you should not trust your thoughts in wd.

 

I see wd as being drunk for a very long time. Would you go make big decisions when drunk ? Would you trust yourseld with life or death decisions ? Well, maybe you would but you would not be happy with the results.

 

Wd makes us introspective. Write your thoughts down, journal them, maybe that will give you some distance to  see what you really feel.

I have  a hard time writing, today it is harder, much harder. But when things feel awful, I try to write it down, by pen and it sort of feels better for a while.

WE have to divide wd in  many " a while ". I know  you are tired of doing just this, but it will be over sooner than we think and then, we can think clearer.

 

I am very tired too today. I have such a hard time doing practical things,like keeping my  lessons straight, remembering things and writing now.

 

I can't make my brain go faster, and after a few hours it simply shuts down.

 

Hope I manage to get through this trial lesson I have in half  an hour. Actually, I hope to have some regular students, so I can stop giving trial lessons, and keep the wolf away !

 

But this is a trip in humility, and scraping the bottom seems to be a part of it. I refuse to believe this will not make me stronger in any way.

 

Ok, that's enough raving !

 

Sky, you make a tremendous amount of sense to me these days.  So if that's a rant, then we speak the same language.

 

There was a success story I recently read where the guy talked about stripping his ego down to the bone (paraphrasing).  I really think that's part of this healing process -- losing the ego, acceptance, respecting the forces at work in healing.

 

I'm very tired too.  I wonder if those forces could get some dinner on the table.

[[li...]]

Hi everyone. Looks like the thread has been active. Been in a wave and just getting do tired of this s$&@! I'm in NYC with family and can't seem to snap out if it. I am still struggling with the "is this Just me?" Symptoms. I am typing from a phone so it's hard to post. I pray that everyone gets windows. I'm just so tired as I look back this crap has put me in waves for two years now. I know in windows my perspective changes so sorry if I sound negative. God bless everyone!

 

Life

 

Hang in there, Life. It's almost your one year anniversary.  What kind of s/x are you getting?

 

Hi everyone, the side effects are mostly fear,anxiety and depression from time to time. The fear seems to be from the "is this me?"  or "am I stuck this way?"... I kind of fell from the reservation of the BB theory but it does me no good to think this way. I am so very happy that I booked a 8 day retreat starting on the 19th ( my one year aniversity by chance) to go to a self help retreat. I feel I just need it. First, my law suit really flared up the waves and then I started thinking like this wave will never end. I have never been in a wave for this long - EVER. Max a week and this has now been 6 weeks. It is wearing on me. I know that part if not all of it is situational stress -- but while I am in it I tend to forget what through me into a wave and I just keep beating myself up for feeling bad. I just wished that I was not so frozen in fear. it sucks. I am not used to being this way. I am not in a really deep wave to speak of but just angry , upset, disillusioned, and etc. I am also concerned about what this has done to my finances which are still good but here I go again "what if I stay this way?". Wow, I am not happy being this way... a window will come with massive healing I know.

 

Life

 

Life, when I lose my footing, lose my way, I drop to my knees, I surrender "control" of things over which I truly have no control, to a power greater than myself, whether you want to call that God or the universe, it can be either.  As long as I don't carry around all the weight of things over which I have absolutely no control.  When I do it with all my heart, do it right, truly let go, I feel the release, and I feel lighter and free. I might still be in a wave, but my suffering is significantly decreased.  It takes practice.  My instinct is to "pick it all up" again and again.  So I do it frequently.  I'm getting better with practice.

 

Your load is very heavy.  You need to find a way to lighten it. 

 

 

Thank you so much Green... I have been feeling heavy as of late... my wife says to surrender to God... I shall.

 

thank you again.

 

Life

[[Gr...]]

Green...congratulations!!!...ELEVEN MONTHS..!!!....Girl...you are going to make it. So happy for you that you went out with the girls...so good for the healing confidence. Green,  I cant believe how close you are to year one. I am following in your footsteps every inch of the way. You are so steadfast and focused on moving forward...You are a help and an inspiration to all of us... .

....Our worst days are behind us...our best days are right in front of us. You deserve 100% healing in this month....wishing you an " effortless mind "...

....love to you dear friend.....coop

 

Thank you, Coop!

 

I was so fogged out I thought you were ahead of me!  I've been carefully tracking  your progress to plot my own, lol.  Okay, so you're behind me.  And, yes, Coop, let's hope our worst days are behind us.

 

love to you, too.

Sue

 

[[li...]]

well, this  September 19th will be 1 year for me ( and Jenny)...I feel pretty down today as in the past I had many windows and I am probably feeling sorry for myself.

 

The fact is that I have endured much stress and stood to it. The fact is that I know I will get better and heal. The fact is that it takes average 14 months to heal.. the fact is that I must unload these burdens.... the fact is that I am healing.... the fact is that you all are a great bunch of friends... the fact is that I am in benzo withdrawal ... the fact is I will get much better... the fact is that during a wave I may look at things negatively... the fact is that these windows and waves are unique to benzo w/d.... the fact is that we are all going to heal!

 

love to all ,

 

 

life

[[je...]]

Hi Minnie! Congrats on 6 months free, hope you feel better soon

 

Hi Green-- I think there is a silver lining, I'm glad to hear this has made you closer to your boys, that is wonderful news. I know w/d has changed me into a more compassionate person and one who now will never take health for granted again!

 

Peace-- your story about your little one brought a tear to my eye. He obviously loves his mommy very much

 

Life-- your retreat sounds great, I hope it helps you. Let us know how it goes. Can you believe we will be a year off in a few days?? Hugs my friend..

 

Garton-- I have a big tendency to be way hard on myself too especially when I'm in a wave. Give yourself some grace, I think your doing a great job 

 

I pray your all doing well, Jenny

[[dr...]]

Congrats on one year Life!  You are way ahead of the game.  You are closer to the finish than you realize.  Stay strong!

 

My wave seems to be losing its ppotency.  Head pressure mcuh less and I seem to cycle into crappy feelings several times a day for an hour or so and then it recedes a bit.  Not good but at least it is not constant.  Hope everyone gets a window of some sort today.