6-12 month thread....

[[be...]]

Hi all,

I just had to pop in here and tell you all about my wonderful three days of healing. I felt so healed. no pain, depression, dizziness, stiffness, nothing, it was all gone for three glorious days. I shopped, got my hair cut, cooked, and ate a lot of my favorite foods. I just felt so normal, as if none of this withdrawal ever happened.

Although my symptoms are back today it really gave me the encouragement I needed to endure.

Please know that I am in no way bragging...just offering some encouragement to know that this hellacious process does get better and end. I really needed this!!

Keep on keeping on. Much healing to all.

 

[[Sk...]]

Hellacious  process ? You bet !

 

Beulah, of course you are not bragging ! If we did not get updates like yours where would we find the strength to heal ?

 

I just felt so normal, as if none of this withdrawal ever happened

 

Looking forward to be able to write this one day too !

 

Thanks Beulah for taking the time,  it means so much !

[[Gr...]]

Just to clarify so I don't scare anyone. Its the POTS sx  that could take 5 years, not benzo w/d.

 

Jen,

I didn't know how fleeting the POTS would be for you, so I didn't go into my remedies.  I had it really bad in '04, I had to squat and hang my head when I was waiting on lines.  The sea salt in water.  But what really helped was a product called Vitalyte.  You can buy it on Amazon.  It's an electrolyte replacement powdered drink, you add water. It's similar to Gatorade, but much better.  Harmless.  Used by hikers and runners.  This product really helped.  And I was BAD.  I was on the CFS pages in those days, because that's what I thought I had, and that's where I heard about it.

 

I mostly don't take any supps or meds, but there are some things we can and should treat, just to improve quality of life.

[[Gr...]]

Eight months benzo free. (Would like to say eight months symptom free.) I'm still looking for sun breaks and windows. At eight months I am grateful for the ability to have some positive emotions, to sleep through the night, to read people a little better. I am grateful to be a visitor and not a resident of the depths of darkest depression. I am grateful for having a place to move through this with others who are compassionate and knowing.

 

Curious what the next eight months will bring. Always hoping for healing.

 

Peace2

 

Happy Anniversary!  Gratitude is good.  You sound better.  Good.  You needed a break.

[[Gr...]]

Garton-- you have a great attitude, just do the best you can. Weird that the ambien  had no effect? I think w/d changes our body chemistry some how. I hope your trip goes well

 

Peace-- congrats on eight months free! They say its a turning point in healing...

 

Green-- your wave does not sound fun.. Are you better now? Feel better soon

 

J, I'm actually feeling better, maybe it's a sunbreak as Coop likes to call them.  I don't care what it is, I'm grateful 

 

Garton, I was just reading some of the Ashton Manual quoted on Wiki (I know I'm bad when I start Googling my s/x, lol)  so today I just read that when we're in withdrawal, or when we've discontinued benzos, reinstating them, or just taking them again, before two years off, will most likely cause a weird reaction, they just won't work or you might have a bad reaction.  Something to do with the receptors still being in flux, trying to adapt to brain without benzos.

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Green. I'm going through this adjunct med question. It's my current intrusive and repetitive thought. How does one decide whether or not to try a med after withdrawal? It seems like eight months should be enough time to see convincing improvement that this will end. I'm not convinced. So, how long do I wait it out? Until the end? Doc said, "maybe an AD could help." And now I'm hooked on that idea. So confused.

 

Bought a blue car today. I'm grateful that's taken care of.

 

Glad you're catching a break!

 

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

Hi all,

I just had to pop in here and tell you all about my wonderful three days of healing. I felt so healed. no pain, depression, dizziness, stiffness, nothing, it was all gone for three glorious days. I shopped, got my hair cut, cooked, and ate a lot of my favorite foods. I just felt so normal, as if none of this withdrawal ever happened.

Although my symptoms are back today it really gave me the encouragement I needed to endure.

Please know that I am in no way bragging...just offering some encouragement to know that this hellacious process does get better and end. I really needed this!!

Keep on keeping on. Much healing to all.

Beulah, I would never think you were bragging, Im just really HAPPY for you.  You have suffered awfully. I remember when I first came on, you were very kind to me, but you were really having a hard time.  I am so very happy to hear you had 3!!! days.  Way to go.

 

Sue

[[pe...]]

Beulah! Excellent news. I'm so blessed by all these posts about good days. Please keep them coming. Joy is a thing to be shared!

 

Peace2

[[mr...]]

Hi all,

 

Recently, I was reminded of a widespread statistical study that was done a while back regarding worry and anxiety. One of the goals of the study was to analyze the likelihoods of the object of worry: how often did the object of worry occur? In the instances where it did occur, how closely did its occurrence line up with the original worry? The results of this part of the survey fascinated me.

 

The study concluded that out of the large pool of people studied, 93% of the time the object of worry did not occur. Of the remaining 7% of instances where the object of worry occurred, it was somewhere in the high 90s percentile, like 97-99% of the time, it did not occur nor parallel the original worry -- the outcome was better than originally perceived.

 

This may not stop "dumb" "fearful" "anxious" thoughts, but I tell ya what -- I'm not buying. I heard this, and love its boldness: "I'd rather die living, than to live a dead kind of life."

 

Hello, life. Its me. I'm back. I'm sorry for my absence, and I've missed you.

 

Love you all. Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Yes... That's not bragging.  Any positive posts are helpful.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks, Green. I'm going through this adjunct med question. It's my current intrusive and repetitive thought. How does one decide whether or not to try a med after withdrawal? It seems like eight months should be enough time to see convincing improvement that this will end. I'm not convinced. So, how long do I wait it out? Until the end? Doc said, "maybe an AD could help." And now I'm hooked on that idea. So confused.

 

Bought a blue car today. I'm grateful that's taken care of.

 

Glad you're catching a break!

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I read that post where you talked about the AD before.  I've heard where people take them and they just don't help, and I've heard the horror stories.  We both know how sensitive you are.  You had diagnostic tests that proved it.  I'm sensitive, too, apparently, because the first time I went into tolerance and got unbelievably sick in 2004, I was taking a relatively small dose, for a relatively short period of time.  And I got slammed.  I did not get out of bed for weeks.  I dropped as though someone had shot me with a gun.  Bang.  On the couch. 

 

You're walking a fine survival line right now.  what if you have a bad reaction to the AD?  The first time I took a small dose of Zoloft I turned bright red and didn't sleep, got very bad anxiety.

 

Taking any medication is a gamble.  Can you afford to lose?

[[pe...]]

Green- you're so good at this. I can not afford to lose. I can not afford for it to backfire - and so far they all have.

 

Thanks, Green.

 

More time for me.

[[Co...]]

Peace,  ...hold on if you can. Many of us are having tough times in months 8-12... Ashton says ar heal...we ALL heal by months 12-14-18....and most of us are back to our normal lives by month 24. Month 8 was one of my most difficult times. I am definitely convinced of improvement now at month 10... not healed but more believing that I will heal....completely.

....I am clinging to Minnie 's pharmacist 's statement that EVERYONE heals. ....ADs are typically hard to get off of too when you want off and side effects are common....big weight gain being one of them .....Me too...I am depressed and tortured with intrusive thoughts...months 6-9.5 were the worst. It is much better at month 10. Peace,  you are really doing so good ( I know ...easy for me to say...I am not living in your experience).

.......You are so far out...4 more months you could see big improvement. ...Only you can decide what is best for you,  and you know we will all support you whatever you decide...

....I was a mess in month 8....month 9.5 a bad wave followed by improvement in my baseline....80% pretty consistently

......take care Peace...we are all with you...the Force is with you... coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah.  So so happy to read your post. You deserve your 3 day window so very much. You have such a gracious attitude about having s/x return. Your post gave me a better perspective on returning s/x. I also had a 3/4 day stretch of solid improvement following a loooong wave. After the wave my baseline was a good 80%.. consistently.

....Today I woke up with returned s/x ( head pressure and headache...health fear ...anxiety...mini panic...dizziness...intrusive thoughts and depression)  I was mad...mad...mad ...mad....Healing is NOT linear.. not linear.. not linear... not linear.....sigh...and cry

.....My s/x all went away by noon,  but left me tired with residual depression ...but the pattern of acute mornings with much better afternoons has been present and trying to be consistent since month 4...waves keep undermining it. ...I will take it...it is better than entire days of s/x...At month 10 I truly believe I am seeing improvement. ...Beulah your post is so encouraging. I am about 4 months behind you ( I think)...I am wishing you days and days of windows in which you feel the joy of ' normal ' life...eating foods that you love and doing things that give you joy. ..I really want this to hold for you Beulah...you have had enough misery ...coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah,  in Life's word...you had 3 days of " Effortless Mind ". I love that expression. I have never yet had days in a row of " effortless mind " but am hoping....

......hoping your s/x go away soon...coop

[[pe...]]

I think I've had a sun break/window thing today. I'm not really sure. I don't feel 'like me' but I don't feel pathetic either, I feel a lightening of symptoms and wanted to clean most of the house. This is good, especially because my whole family is suffering with our first back to school colds. I would expect my symptoms to be worse with the cold and all kinds of stressful things, but in this moment I observe they are actually a hair better.

That's a long winded and hesitant celebration. Over thinking it is my middle name.

 

Peace2

 

 

[[je...]]

Well guys I survived 2 soccer games today and pictures in 100 degree weather. I was out there for about 4 hours today and I held up pretty good. I had to stand for about 40 minutes while my one son had his pictures taken and my POTS sx  were okay, I felt slightly dizzy but managed it. 3 months ago, I could not have been in the heat that long, so I do see some improvement. I was even friendly and social with all the parents, that is a hard one for me. I forced myself to go up to people and start a conversation, and I actually enjoyed doing it-- who knew? Then we all went out shopping for our new puppy, I decided we need a family dog and I'm hoping he helps me with my healing-- am I crazy to think that? He will be my therapy dog then we went out for wood fired pizza. The best part of my day is that I lived in the moment and didn't think about w/d or sx  for the entire day. I'm hoping this means I'm healing. Hugs to all of you, jenny

[[Mo...]]

It's me..

 

This is a rough ride.  The adrenalin pumping thru me everyday is crazy. It's not that my heart beats fast it's that it seems to pound.  I only get an hours sleep and then it wakes me. The hot flashes seem to be seperate now.

 

The night before last when it woke me I had the sensation of alkaseltzer in my brain.  I got excited because I was hoping it meant things were shifting, but nope.

 

Was trying not to complain, but talking about it makes me feel better.  Mentally I seem ok.. That or this is over riding any symptoms.

 

I feel somehow responsible for this, but I know it's not true.  I'm making deals with God too. 

 

My MIL is here and cooking amazing food.  Maybe I overdid it?  Good thing I dropped caffeine weeks ago.

 

 

Graton, I've never experienced insomnia before this but if you have what I do then I don't think a pill would work.  Us waking up for various reasons seems to be adrenalin related right?  The cortisol rushes, etc. 

 

I am going to say something controversial and it's not in the cards for me, but my FIL used MM to get off Xanax.  He was on it for insomnia and the MM helped him go thru taper and w/d and he uses a tiny bit now to sleep.  I never concidered it because I don't like any funk on my brain. 

 

Peace-  I am with Green.  Think very carefully before taking something. This suffering is brutal.  I am amazed at the horrific affects on my body and constantly thank God I wasn't on it any longer then I was.  It feels like I will never sleep again or be able to regulate my body heat.  My only comfort right now is knowing I'm not alone.  I'm glad you got a car.  Turn the AC on for me.

 

Jenny-  it's funny... All I read was.. THE HEAT. .. Good job talking to people and hanging in there for the sports events.  Cog Fog is also brutal.  I made it to the beach with MIL, her boyfriend and the 3 year old.  It was fun and something I wanted to do, but in the background I felt uneasy.

 

Mrs-  that statistical what if thing you posted carried me thru.  I kept telling myself my body can make it but this is not fun.  My heart goes out to those with burning sensations and tinnitus. 

 

Pray for me if you can friends.  Just a short word like, 'Lord, don't forget MommyR'...

 

Thank you friends

[[Sk...]]

Mommy, I am so sorry you are not sleeping as well.

 

Everything becomes harsher when we can't sleep.

 

I am not as well informed as you other guys on pills and medications. But I do know this;  taking an aspirin when I had a cold was brutal, my cold got better but everything else was awful. I think any pill, no matter how harmless, just interferes with the delicate balance there is in our bodies.

But I am speaking for myself, what works for me may not apply to others.

 

I take two naps during the day. I don't feel tired but still I take them, even if just to close my eyes. If I don't, my brain and body shut down and it is awful.

 

Our poor brains are healing, what  poison have we  been taking  to wreck ourselves this way ?

 

Sleeping is such an important part of the healing process.  I wish there were more information on how to handle it in wd.

 

These random musings are just to say I am thinking, and praying, for all the buddies who are not sleeping.

 

Jenny, Peace, so great to hear you had some great news !

 

A better day to all of us.

 

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... French toast, bacon, and maple syrup ... something to really savour and experience ... a "pleasure" after a couple of days of being "sick" ...

 

Wherever we are on the "timeline" of this process, there are "spells" when we are "sick" and there are "spells" when we are "open" to experiencing the "pleasures" within our lives ... I believe our "job" is just to "be there" for whatever is happening right now ... as best we can, today ...

 

For me, when I struggle to "get out" of where I am right now I add more stress to an already confusing and messy moment ...

 

I am now far enough along the timeline of this journey to be able to sit and watch my "mind" try to "help" me when I am in a "sick" place ... (and I really do not like the word "sick" anymore ... I try to use "healing" place whenever I remember) ... sitting there last night, two days of distressing head and face and ear pressure, digestive distress, not being able to sleep, the inner vibration stuff, nodding off and jolting awake, and the intermittent spasms and aches ... many of my old "friends" ...

 

And "feeling" the doubts and the "what ifs" ... all the "past telling" and the "future telling" ... very busy "re-playing" ... very little "possibility" for pleasure there ...

 

So once again for the umpteenth time ... a little repetitious music, some chamomile tea, some long, slow abdominal breathing ... "allowing" myself to "empty" and embrace my "healing" ... over and over again and again ... and gradually my "mind" too begins to relax ... this not being anywhere else other than right here in the "rhythm" of my healing ... cradling myself ... giving myself a "lullaby" ... this doesn't "fix" anything ... rather I "embrace" myself and slowly fall asleep for a while ... I call this remembering to "self-hug" ...

 

And when I awaken the "stuff" has quieted for now and the French toast and bacon and maple syrup are on my plate right now ...

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Friday, Sep. 12

 

The more you sense the rareness and value of your own life, the more you realize that how you use it, how you manifest it, is all your responsibility. We face such a big task, so naturally we sit down for a while.

 

Kobun Chino Otogawa Roshi

 

[[pe...]]

Jenny-

Congratulations on a full and enjoyed soccer day. That is a positive report and it sounds like healing to me. Not thinking about withdrawal all day is a sure sign of healing. Hope you get lots more days like this one. A puppy sounds like a sweet and demanding addition to the family. It's that whole chewing and potty training thing. Our dog came to us when she was a year old and that was about perfect. What kind of puppy are you getting? I bet the boys are excited!

 

MommyR- I prayed for you this morning and I will again later today. I spent sometime with Joel Osteen on YouTube yesterday. It was easy listening while I cleaned the kitchen. Would you like to give him a listen? I'm glad your MIL is there to feed everyone. And how wonderful that you have family, FIL, who knows something first hand about what you're going through. It sounds like you have quite an army behind you.

 

Coop- thanks for your words. I'm getting stuck in fear that it's not benzo withdrawal, but the new real me. If it's benzo withdrawal then I'll heal, but if it's just a mixed up brain......

It's a moment of faith or decision or something. I have to believe this is all withdrawal because then I believe it will improve on its own.

I'm sorry to hear you're having all those sx in the morning. I'm glad they're easing up by midday and that you're feeling clear healing in month ten. This is a long ride, Coop. I'm glad we don't have to go it alone.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Nova- Sounds delicious, all that French toast, maple syrup and breathing.

[[Sk...]]

French toast, maple syrup and breathing

 

Peace,don't forget  creating our own lullabies ! Peace, I can tell from here this is not you but it's wd. I can't wait till you can tell for yourself and you will not have anymore doubts! That, will be the great step before healing !

 

Thanks everybody  for some really beautiful posts.

[[ga...]]

I just am on the board for the first time since yesterday morning. Haven't been able to catch up on the postings...except I glanced and saw Jenny had a good day!  Congrts! Fantastic to hear.

 

I managed to get through the day with the family.  There were over 200 people at the reception for my second cousin who had his Bar Mitzvah.  Mostly kids, loud music and family and their friends.  For whatever reason, I felt like I was outside looking in at all the people celebrating and having fun.  Yes, I smiled and participated here and there, but just wasn't all there.  Feeling sorry for myself for not being more a part of it all.  Yeah...I knew I was very tired but at the same time I beat myself up for not having more fun.  Don't know why I am so hard on myself.

 

Woke up this morning in the hotel feeling ( slept well) depressed and alone.  I start over analyzing all these feelings making myself feel even worse.  Drives me crazy when I do this.  That feeling of why don't I feel more a part of my families lives and just disconnected right now.  This feeling comes and goes.  As I type this, I am feeling somewhat better getting ready to leave for a quick visit with relatives and then to the airport.  This pity party I have for myself has to change.  This attitude can REALLY suck at times and drive to very dark places.  I remind myself life isn't all that bad and I have good things in my life. Need to stay aware of this!

 

It is great to be able to come here to vent to my BB friends.  Folks here truly understand some of what I am feeling.  Maybe better than I do!  I'll post again later.  Have a great day.