6-12 month thread....

[[pe...]]

Hi MommyR,

I hope your doctor surprised you with the kind of support you're needing. I hope your mom or husband was with you as your advocate. Please let us know how it went and how you're doing.

 

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

I emailed with my psychiatrist about my list of remaining/troublesome symptoms and he suggested there might be an AD that could help. What?!?!?! I thought no medications was the solution according to my three docs, so why is he changing the tune?!?! I am frustrated and so damn suggestible. So, now I'm contemplating an AD which is something I've not done well with. Please don't feed my impatience. If there's something that's treatable, let's do it. But please do no more harm!

This is the same time last year that I went on Wellbutrin, because work was too stressful and I was dying on the vine. This is the time of year when desperation kicks in. I'm not sure what to do, how to get better, how to get off the merry go round, support my family.

 

I'm always so frantic when I post these days. It's like a train running off the tracks. And we do have to replace a car. Because there's not enough going on :ticked off:

I'm considering quitting my job and buying a car at the same time. None of this makes sense and I don't have the brain power to make a clear and smart decision.

 

It gets better?

I need to go listen to some Joel Osteen recommended earlier.

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

Hi Kids,

 

I'm back from the doctor.  I just couldn't take it another day.  Yesterday afternoon I felt like the flu had come over me and wanted to lay in bed for two days.  Then at 3am I woke in the sweat again, out of breath and panicked.  I woke my mom up asking her to promise this would go away and then laid on the floor near the couch she was on.  (She spends the night a lot when my husband travels).  I did all the stuff I know to do, but day upon day of panic is nearly impossible to stay ahead of.  I ran my favorite scriptures thru my head, then fell back to sleep at 5am.  Around 7:15am I woke in fear and actually celebrated because fear is much easier to head off.  Panic crushes your chest and takes away your breath.  It makes your heart pound and your head hurt.  I was thinking about Nova and his cool cucumber ride to the ER.  I just couldn't do that again and then the phone rang.  It was detox calling to get me in from a phone call I had made two days ago. 

 

I agreed and dressed in full make-up, hair dryed and straightened, bling on and the coolest black casual dress hanging in my closet.  3 year old in tow, I headed to Newport.  All the way there I was practicing what I would say.  It was frightening to think about what he would pronounce over me.  I was in full paranoid mode.  When I got inside the nurse I knew was really happy to see me.  She was a great support during my taper into post withdrawal.  I stopped going in February because felt I didn't really need them anymore.  She took my bp/ hr and told me I looked good.  I joked around and handed my little side kick his iPad.  My youngest has gone to all my detox appts, which is kinda funny.  He has no idea what a comfort it is to have him along. 

 

When the doctor walked in he gave me a big hug and asked how I was.  As I talked, he typed.  I told him ALL of it.  How my last wave was in June, but that I had also started experiencing 100% hours.  I told him about our vacation in early July and how my symptoms had kicked off after certain events... the feeling like being on the ocean, begin attacked by chiggers, nausea, burning head ache, gripping pain in my neck and back of my head, coming home and being in zombie mode for 3 weeks and then the terrible hot flashes all day and night, fear, panic, missed period.  I didn't leave anything out. 

 

His response:

 

You are very strong. 

This is where people relapse.  They can't take it. 

You speak to me about your symptoms so matter of fact and know how to distinguish between each of the emotions (panic, fear, anxiety, depression).  This is good.

This is all really amazing and I am learning from you. 

What you are experiencing is NORMAL. 

Symptoms can be random with no reason.  They come and go.  It's how you deal with them that matters.

Interruption of menstruation and hot flashes are absolutely withdrawal related and he believes all my blood test will come back normal.

The hot flashes are most likely panic related and this is how my body is reacting to this wave.

Withdrawal can take 1 to 1 1./2 years.  (I'm going with 2 years)

People have come in this far out in withdrawal and are as acute as the day they walked in to the office. 

Recovery for benzo is like a roller coaster. 

You are handling it the right way and I know you will heal eventually. 

You don't need to come back if you don't want to.

 

 

He then checked my heart and any other paranoid symptom I had.  He explained where my carotid artery was and that the clinching sensation in my neck is not the arteries but tension from the random 'deck of cards' stressful symptoms.

 

I told him I wanted to get my certificate and then work with him to help others like us.  He said I would be an asset.  We hugged and said good-bye.  I called my mom and husband then to tell them the good news.. THESE HORRIBLE AWFUL CRAZY I'M GONNA DIE SYMPTOMS ARE GLORIOUSLY NORMAL FOR WHERE WE ARE AT.

 

Day after day I was thinking about Peace going to work and how her doctors had reassured her.  I was embarrassed to be going backwards and not forwards and questioning everything like Life mentioned.  I didn't want to go in and have the doctor say what he did at the beginning of this process.  I was such a wreck and even in my random conversation with him that first day, I was so negative and inappropriate in my responses, that he pronounced life long medication for me. 

 

I knew it wasn't true.  I wasn't that negative person.  These drugs cloud who we think we are and how we process things around us.  It affects the very core of who we are, so of course it takes time to get back to normal.  It's just I needed an outside person to agree.  I needed someone I trusted like him, the doctor who I feel saved my life, to also agree with what we talk about on the boards.  AND HE DID. 

 

Everything others tell us, he said to me.  ...Keep going forward.  It takes a long time.  The fact that we have made it this far means we will finish the race. 

 

I love you guys, so much for being there and praying for me too.  For the hands reaching out to me when I think I am sinking and can only keep my head above water.  I was unable to see the water rising around my ankles in this one.  I've been treading water so long.  I needed some one who was knowledgeable on the outside and who knew me and what we all go thru to agree.  AND HE DID.

 

Go ahead and make peace with the symptoms.  Lay in bed or on the couch or get up and go for a walk.  Whatever you need to do.  There is still lots of time... 

 

Hugs,

MommyR

 

 

 

[[...]]

Mommy, oh my gosh! Stop...no really, STOP...give yourself a hug from me!

 

YOU ARE AWESOME!! You handled it all so well and you should be so proud! You make me proud!

 

So we will continue to heal, together!!

 

:smitten:

[[pe...]]

Hi Kids,

 

I'm back from the doctor.  I just couldn't take it another day.  Yesterday afternoon I felt like the flu had come over me and wanted to lay in bed for two days.  Then at 3am I woke in the sweat again, out of breath and panicked.  I woke my mom up asking her to promise this would go away and then laid on the floor near the couch she was on.  (She spends the night a lot when my husband travels).  I did all the stuff I know to do, but day upon day of panic is nearly impossible to stay ahead of.  I ran my favorite scriptures thru my head, then fell back to sleep at 5am.  Around 7:15am I woke in fear and actually celebrated because fear is much easier to head off.  Panic crushes your chest and takes away your breath.  It makes your heart pound and your head hurt.  I was thinking about Nova and his cool cucumber ride to the ER.  I just couldn't do that again and then the phone rang.  It was detox calling to get me in from a phone call I had made two days ago. 

 

I agreed and dressed in full make-up, hair dryed and straightened, bling on and the coolest black casual dress hanging in my closet.  3 year old in tow, I headed to Newport.  All the way there I was practicing what I would say.  It was frightening to think about what he would pronounce over me.  I was in full paranoid mode.  When I got inside the nurse I knew was really happy to see me.  She was a great support during my taper into post withdrawal.  I stopped going in February because felt I didn't really need them anymore.  She took my bp/ hr and told me I looked good.  I joked around and handed my little side kick his iPad.  My youngest has gone to all my detox appts, which is kinda funny.  He has no idea what a comfort it is to have him along. 

 

When the doctor walked in he gave me a big hug and asked how I was.  As I talked, he typed.  I told him ALL of it.  How my last wave was in June, but that I had also started experiencing 100% hours.  I told him about our vacation in early July and how my symptoms had kicked off after certain events... the feeling like being on the ocean, begin attacked by chiggers, nausea, burning head ache, gripping pain in my neck and back of my head, coming home and being in zombie mode for 3 weeks and then the terrible hot flashes all day and night, fear, panic, missed period.  I didn't leave anything out. 

 

His response:

 

You are very strong. 

This is where people relapse.  They can't take it. 

You speak to me about your symptoms so matter of fact and know how to distinguish between each of the emotions (panic, fear, anxiety, depression).  This is good.

This is all really amazing and I am learning from you. 

What you are experiencing is NORMAL. 

Symptoms can be random with no reason.  They come and go.  It's how you deal with them that matters.

Interruption of menstruation and hot flashes are absolutely withdrawal related and he believes all my blood test will come back normal.

The hot flashes are most likely panic related and this is how my body is reacting to this wave.

Withdrawal can take 1 to 1 1./2 years.  (I'm going with 2 years)

People have come in this far out in withdrawal and are as acute as the day they walked in to the office. 

Recovery for benzo is like a roller coaster. 

You are handling it the right way and I know you will heal eventually. 

You don't need to come back if you don't want to.

 

 

He then checked my heart and any other paranoid symptom I had.  He explained where my carotid artery was and that the clinching sensation in my neck is not the arteries but tension from the random 'deck of cards' stressful symptoms.

 

I told him I wanted to get my certificate and then work with him to help others like us.  He said I would be an asset.  We hugged and said good-bye.  I called my mom and husband then to tell them the good news.. THESE HORRIBLE AWFUL CRAZY I'M GONNA DIE SYMPTOMS ARE GLORIOUSLY NORMAL FOR WHERE WE ARE AT.

 

Day after day I was thinking about Peace going to work and how her doctors had reassured her.  I was embarrassed to be going backwards and not forwards and questioning everything like Life mentioned.  I didn't want to go in and have the doctor say what he did at the beginning of this process.  I was such a wreck and even in my random conversation with him that first day, I was so negative and inappropriate in my responses, that he pronounced life long medication for me. 

 

I knew it wasn't true.  I wasn't that negative person.  These drugs cloud who we think we are and how we process things around us.  It affects the very core of who we are, so of course it takes time to get back to normal.  It's just I needed an outside person to agree.  I needed someone I trusted like him, the doctor who I feel saved my life, to also agree with what we talk about on the boards.  AND HE DID. 

 

Everything others tell us, he said to me.  ...Keep going forward.  It takes a long time.  The fact that we have made it this far means we will finish the race. 

 

I love you guys, so much for being there and praying for me too.  For the hands reaching out to me when I think I am sinking and can only keep my head above water.  I was unable to see the water rising around my ankles in this one.  I've been treading water so long.  I needed some one who was knowledgeable on the outside and who knew me and what we all go thru to agree.  AND HE DID.

 

Go ahead and make peace with the symptoms.  Lay in bed or on the couch or get up and go for a walk.  Whatever you need to do.  There is still lots of time... 

 

Hugs,

MommyR

I love all of it, MommyR. I love that your prayers were answered and your experience was validated once again. I love how strong you truly are and that your little man was there pumping love into the room while he played with the iPad. I love that this doctor sees how amazing you are. You ARE an asset. I am so blessed to have crossed paths with your here on this thread. I love too, that in this post, for the first time in a long time, I hear YOU.

 

So many hugs to you, MommyR. Enjoy that couch time, let the time pass. You are on your glorious way.

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Hi Kids,

 

I'm back from the doctor.  I just couldn't take it another day.  Yesterday afternoon I felt like the flu had come over me and wanted to lay in bed for two days.  Then at 3am I woke in the sweat again, out of breath and panicked.  I woke my mom up asking her to promise this would go away and then laid on the floor near the couch she was on.  (She spends the night a lot when my husband travels).  I did all the stuff I know to do, but day upon day of panic is nearly impossible to stay ahead of.  I ran my favorite scriptures thru my head, then fell back to sleep at 5am.  Around 7:15am I woke in fear and actually celebrated because fear is much easier to head off.  Panic crushes your chest and takes away your breath.  It makes your heart pound and your head hurt.  I was thinking about Nova and his cool cucumber ride to the ER.  I just couldn't do that again and then the phone rang.  It was detox calling to get me in from a phone call I had made two days ago. 

 

I agreed and dressed in full make-up, hair dryed and straightened, bling on and the coolest black casual dress hanging in my closet.  3 year old in tow, I headed to Newport.  All the way there I was practicing what I would say.  It was frightening to think about what he would pronounce over me.  I was in full paranoid mode.  When I got inside the nurse I knew was really happy to see me.  She was a great support during my taper into post withdrawal.  I stopped going in February because felt I didn't really need them anymore.  She took my bp/ hr and told me I looked good.  I joked around and handed my little side kick his iPad.  My youngest has gone to all my detox appts, which is kinda funny.  He has no idea what a comfort it is to have him along. 

 

When the doctor walked in he gave me a big hug and asked how I was.  As I talked, he typed.  I told him ALL of it.  How my last wave was in June, but that I had also started experiencing 100% hours.  I told him about our vacation in early July and how my symptoms had kicked off after certain events... the feeling like being on the ocean, begin attacked by chiggers, nausea, burning head ache, gripping pain in my neck and back of my head, coming home and being in zombie mode for 3 weeks and then the terrible hot flashes all day and night, fear, panic, missed period.  I didn't leave anything out. 

 

His response:

 

You are very strong. 

This is where people relapse.  They can't take it. 

You speak to me about your symptoms so matter of fact and know how to distinguish between each of the emotions (panic, fear, anxiety, depression).  This is good.

This is all really amazing and I am learning from you. 

What you are experiencing is NORMAL. 

Symptoms can be random with no reason.  They come and go.  It's how you deal with them that matters.

Interruption of menstruation and hot flashes are absolutely withdrawal related and he believes all my blood test will come back normal.

The hot flashes are most likely panic related and this is how my body is reacting to this wave.

Withdrawal can take 1 to 1 1./2 years.  (I'm going with 2 years)

People have come in this far out in withdrawal and are as acute as the day they walked in to the office. 

Recovery for benzo is like a roller coaster. 

You are handling it the right way and I know you will heal eventually. 

You don't need to come back if you don't want to.

 

 

He then checked my heart and any other paranoid symptom I had.  He explained where my carotid artery was and that the clinching sensation in my neck is not the arteries but tension from the random 'deck of cards' stressful symptoms.

 

I told him I wanted to get my certificate and then work with him to help others like us.  He said I would be an asset.  We hugged and said good-bye.  I called my mom and husband then to tell them the good news.. THESE HORRIBLE AWFUL CRAZY I'M GONNA DIE SYMPTOMS ARE GLORIOUSLY NORMAL FOR WHERE WE ARE AT.

 

Day after day I was thinking about Peace going to work and how her doctors had reassured her.  I was embarrassed to be going backwards and not forwards and questioning everything like Life mentioned.  I didn't want to go in and have the doctor say what he did at the beginning of this process.  I was such a wreck and even in my random conversation with him that first day, I was so negative and inappropriate in my responses, that he pronounced life long medication for me. 

 

I knew it wasn't true.  I wasn't that negative person.  These drugs cloud who we think we are and how we process things around us.  It affects the very core of who we are, so of course it takes time to get back to normal.  It's just I needed an outside person to agree.  I needed someone I trusted like him, the doctor who I feel saved my life, to also agree with what we talk about on the boards.  AND HE DID. 

 

Everything others tell us, he said to me.  ...Keep going forward.  It takes a long time.  The fact that we have made it this far means we will finish the race. 

 

I love you guys, so much for being there and praying for me too.  For the hands reaching out to me when I think I am sinking and can only keep my head above water.  I was unable to see the water rising around my ankles in this one.  I've been treading water so long.  I needed some one who was knowledgeable on the outside and who knew me and what we all go thru to agree.  AND HE DID.

 

Go ahead and make peace with the symptoms.  Lay in bed or on the couch or get up and go for a walk.  Whatever you need to do.  There is still lots of time... 

 

Hugs,

MommyR

 

 

wow, this is so needed by me. Thank you thank you!

 

Life

[[Mo...]]

Update and random scatterbrained ramblings.....

 

Day 4 of my really bad 11 month wave:

 

Feeling quite a bit better today but far from how I was 5 days ago.  Much less physically anxious today, (the first 30 minutes of the morning was a trip though) not quite as dizzy, less muscle tension.  The cog fog is still going strong, can't remember anything from 5 minutes ago.  (If any of this makes sense I'll be surprised, but my intentions are good)  Extreme fatigue still, just wanna sleep but don't exactly have that option.  Tomorrow I hope my brain is sharper and the hair/sand feeling in the back of my throat goes away.  If the deep muscle itching and cold feet would leave that would be nice too.  lol

 

COOOOP!  You just had me laughing my ass off when you said "the whole gang shows up for breakfast".  It's so true!!

 

To the rest of you who are scared, it's ok to be scared but don't dwell on it.  Acceptance is key.  I have never had social anxiety in my life, but from time to time I have it really bad, even when I'm not in a wave.  It's not really who I am, so I don't dwell on it when it happens.  I accept it for what it is.  (TEMPORARY BULLSHIT!!!) Here's three examples of why you shouldn't play the "what if" game, and the "am I broken" game.

 

Last night IN THIS WAVE I had to attend the first cub scout pack meeting of the year with about 50 people I knew; I just wanted to leave.  Don't talk to me, don't look at me kind of thing.  Social anxiety all the way baby!  One month ago (NOT IN A WAVE) I saw Sammy Hagar and felt uncomfortable the entire concert.  Just kinda stood there nervously in a crowd and had zero fun.  Now get this!  A couple weeks ago I was with 20,000 people cheering and screaming like a kid at a Motley Crue show!!  I had a blast!  And now for 4 days it's been tough again.....but oh well, I'm apparently tougher!!  There's a lesson in this rambling somewhere.... Take how you feel now and just accept it.  Don't let it scare you.  YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!  The human body returns to normal in time.  We haven't been killing brain cells sniffing paint behind a dumpster for gods sake!!  We simply took something that decreases GABA production in the brain.  With time it goes back to normal, new neuropathways form, we feel better, period!  If you think about that FACT any other way, you're setting yourself up for a more painful recovery.

 

I will let my feminine side finish this ramble...  A beautiful new life awaits us, we will be reborn into our former selves with a new appreciation for the little things, I have seen several wonderful previews already on this journey.  Each made me feel like crying with joy.  I am not special, I am just like you, and you are just like me.  Together we will heal and walk into the sunlight smiling at a fresh new world that awaits, and that was absolutely worth waiting for.

 

Have a great night everyone.

 

LOL!!!  That made me laugh.. thank you for that

[[Mo...]]

Hi Kids,

 

I'm back from the doctor.  I just couldn't take it another day.  Yesterday afternoon I felt like the flu had come over me and wanted to lay in bed for two days.  Then at 3am I woke in the sweat again, out of breath and panicked.  I woke my mom up asking her to promise this would go away and then laid on the floor near the couch she was on.  (She spends the night a lot when my husband travels).  I did all the stuff I know to do, but day upon day of panic is nearly impossible to stay ahead of.  I ran my favorite scriptures thru my head, then fell back to sleep at 5am.  Around 7:15am I woke in fear and actually celebrated because fear is much easier to head off.  Panic crushes your chest and takes away your breath.  It makes your heart pound and your head hurt.  I was thinking about Nova and his cool cucumber ride to the ER.  I just couldn't do that again and then the phone rang.  It was detox calling to get me in from a phone call I had made two days ago. 

 

I agreed and dressed in full make-up, hair dryed and straightened, bling on and the coolest black casual dress hanging in my closet.  3 year old in tow, I headed to Newport.  All the way there I was practicing what I would say.  It was frightening to think about what he would pronounce over me.  I was in full paranoid mode.  When I got inside the nurse I knew was really happy to see me.  She was a great support during my taper into post withdrawal.  I stopped going in February because felt I didn't really need them anymore.  She took my bp/ hr and told me I looked good.  I joked around and handed my little side kick his iPad.  My youngest has gone to all my detox appts, which is kinda funny.  He has no idea what a comfort it is to have him along. 

 

When the doctor walked in he gave me a big hug and asked how I was.  As I talked, he typed.  I told him ALL of it.  How my last wave was in June, but that I had also started experiencing 100% hours.  I told him about our vacation in early July and how my symptoms had kicked off after certain events... the feeling like being on the ocean, begin attacked by chiggers, nausea, burning head ache, gripping pain in my neck and back of my head, coming home and being in zombie mode for 3 weeks and then the terrible hot flashes all day and night, fear, panic, missed period.  I didn't leave anything out. 

 

His response:

 

You are very strong. 

This is where people relapse.  They can't take it. 

You speak to me about your symptoms so matter of fact and know how to distinguish between each of the emotions (panic, fear, anxiety, depression).  This is good.

This is all really amazing and I am learning from you. 

What you are experiencing is NORMAL. 

Symptoms can be random with no reason.  They come and go.  It's how you deal with them that matters.

Interruption of menstruation and hot flashes are absolutely withdrawal related and he believes all my blood test will come back normal.

The hot flashes are most likely panic related and this is how my body is reacting to this wave.

Withdrawal can take 1 to 1 1./2 years.  (I'm going with 2 years)

People have come in this far out in withdrawal and are as acute as the day they walked in to the office. 

Recovery for benzo is like a roller coaster. 

You are handling it the right way and I know you will heal eventually. 

You don't need to come back if you don't want to.

 

 

He then checked my heart and any other paranoid symptom I had.  He explained where my carotid artery was and that the clinching sensation in my neck is not the arteries but tension from the random 'deck of cards' stressful symptoms.

 

I told him I wanted to get my certificate and then work with him to help others like us.  He said I would be an asset.  We hugged and said good-bye.  I called my mom and husband then to tell them the good news.. THESE HORRIBLE AWFUL CRAZY I'M GONNA DIE SYMPTOMS ARE GLORIOUSLY NORMAL FOR WHERE WE ARE AT.

 

Day after day I was thinking about Peace going to work and how her doctors had reassured her.  I was embarrassed to be going backwards and not forwards and questioning everything like Life mentioned.  I didn't want to go in and have the doctor say what he did at the beginning of this process.  I was such a wreck and even in my random conversation with him that first day, I was so negative and inappropriate in my responses, that he pronounced life long medication for me. 

 

I knew it wasn't true.  I wasn't that negative person.  These drugs cloud who we think we are and how we process things around us.  It affects the very core of who we are, so of course it takes time to get back to normal.  It's just I needed an outside person to agree.  I needed someone I trusted like him, the doctor who I feel saved my life, to also agree with what we talk about on the boards.  AND HE DID. 

 

Everything others tell us, he said to me.  ...Keep going forward.  It takes a long time.  The fact that we have made it this far means we will finish the race. 

 

I love you guys, so much for being there and praying for me too.  For the hands reaching out to me when I think I am sinking and can only keep my head above water.  I was unable to see the water rising around my ankles in this one.  I've been treading water so long.  I needed some one who was knowledgeable on the outside and who knew me and what we all go thru to agree.  AND HE DID.

 

Go ahead and make peace with the symptoms.  Lay in bed or on the couch or get up and go for a walk.  Whatever you need to do.  There is still lots of time... 

 

Hugs,

MommyR

 

 

wow, this is so needed by me. Thank you thank you!

 

Life

 

[[je...]]

Mommy-- this is such great news for all of us! It really is w/d and we are all gonna make it! Feel better sweetie

[[Mo...]]

Mommy-- this is such great news for all of us! It really is w/d and we are all gonna make it! Feel better sweetie

 

I'm walking around my house hi-fiving my husband.  really good news for us all!! 

[[Mi...]]

I went to a concert last week of a pretty famous band from the 80's.  I was close to the stage, (too close for my social anxiety). The cheeky lead singer waved at me and blew a kiss.  It really shook me up, and I needed a couple days to calm down from that.  It's actually funny to me now.....

 

FLOC:  I'm a huge music guy so I need to ask who you saw  : )

 

MOMMY.....loved reading your update, just wanted to say that.  Such great stuff.

[[Mo...]]

I went to a concert last week of a pretty famous band from the 80's.  I was close to the stage, (too close for my social anxiety). The cheeky lead singer waved at me and blew a kiss.  It really shook me up, and I needed a couple days to calm down from that.  It's actually funny to me now.....

 

FLOC:  I'm a huge music guy so I need to ask who you saw  : )

 

MOMMY.....loved reading your update, just wanted to say that.  Such great stuff.

 

Mike..doing a big happy dance..headache and all..thank you!!

[[Mi...]]

Anytime.  I've also had an urge to work with people struggling with addiction/recovery from opiates or benzo's.  Maybe I can find a place to give back in person someday.  Would be a pretty cool goal to set I must say.

[[Co...]]

MommyR. ....bless your heart!...I am so very glad you went to the doctor and heard all of the reassurance and affirmation that you ( and all of us)  need. ..It is do generous of you to share this with us.You wrote it beautifully. .Minnie started a thread on this board for sharing of positive support and information received from professional visits.

.....I was exactly where you are 2 weeks ago...dizziness,  nausea,  fear,  anxiety,  panic,  complete dissociation,  spiked b/p,  sure I was dying. I also went to the doctor totally freaked out about b/p and dizziness. ...This at nearly 10 months out...exactly like acute. I was beside myself. I was so afraid. My doctor also told me 1-2 years is so normal with 80-90% better by months 12-14-18 and picking up life again by year 2. ..I believe him.  I had the same response as you HUGE relief...and ' leaning in to ' the months ahead of final healing. I feel a definite surrender to it that has been calming ( if not of my body definitely my mind). I have let go of the urge to rush back into my old life " because I am now 10 months off "...I have more peace ( not so much comfort) with the process. I am trying to accept that probably my life will not be back to ' normal ' until this time next year BUT do much real healing has happened in this 16 months ( taper- 6 months and 10 months p/w)....A little more patience.

.....I am so happy for your easier mind..wonderful post...love the black dress and make- up and brave brave march to the doctor. We are do lucky to have you here ..you are such a help and inspiration.  btw...I get the hot flashes too...with pins and needles sensation all over my body...really uncomfortable. ..thank you MR for the post......coop

[[Co...]]

Life....however you are in a window....that's YOU ...I really believe that. I sm tortured by all the what ifs,  intrusive thoughts and doubts too,  BUT in a window I am who I was before benzos. On a good day I believe without a doubt I will return to my former life in that " effortless mind " that you so aptly coined ( that is such a perfect spot on description of a 100% window).

...I am also so so sensitive to the smallest amount of stress. I had a stressful conversation on the phone today with Social Security...my heart was pounding...my head felt pressure...I had cog fog and dizziness....It took about an hour to recover from the physical anxiety/stress and I was so physically exhausted.  In my pre- benzo life I would have been moderately stressed from the phone conversation but would have recovered much sooner and gone on with the day. I would not have experienced the dizziness...head pressure...cog fog...

....I agree...this is p/w and the sensitivity ofa best up cns ...I am giving myself a full 2 years before expecting anything reliably close to ' normal '.....

.....Life...I think you are going to heal 100%...and have an " effortless " mind with just s little more time. I am so sorry that you have unresolved stress...is anyone sharing the weight of the stress with you?...Take care Life....coop

 

[[Mo...]]

Anytime.  I've also had an urge to work with people struggling with addiction/recovery from opiates or benzo's.  Maybe I can find a place to give back in person someday.  Would be a pretty cool goal to set I must say.

 

I am going to start by getting certified thru CAADAC https://www.caadac.org in California.  They tell you what colleges offer the certificate course.  It's 33 units and would take around a year to finish.  The only thing that would be hard to deal with is understanding addicts.  I know how to do withdrawal, but I don't know what it's like to be an addict..I think.  If someone is an addict because withdrawal is too painful, I can understand.  But it they can't stop because of a craving, not sure how to help them. 

 

Anyways, yes, really great to give back if you can.  It's not for everyone. 

[[Mo...]]

MommyR. ....bless your heart!...I am so very glad you went to the doctor and heard all of the reassurance and affirmation that you ( and all of us)  need. ..It is do generous of you to share this with us.You wrote it beautifully. .Minnie started a thread on this board for sharing of positive support and information received from professional visits.

.....I was exactly where you are 2 weeks ago...dizziness,  nausea,  fear,  anxiety,  panic,  complete dissociation,  spiked b/p,  sure I was dying. I also went to the doctor totally freaked out about b/p and dizziness. ...This at nearly 10 months out...exactly like acute. I was beside myself. I was so afraid. My doctor also told me 1-2 years is so normal with 80-90% better by months 12-14-18 and picking up life again by year 2. ..I believe him.  I had the same response as you HUGE relief...and ' leaning in to ' the months ahead of final healing. I feel a definite surrender to it that has been calming ( if not of my body definitely my mind). I have let go of the urge to rush back into my old life " because I am now 10 months off "...I have more peace ( not so much comfort) with the process. I am trying to accept that probably my life will not be back to ' normal ' until this time next year BUT do much real healing has happened in this 16 months ( taper- 6 months and 10 months p/w)....A little more patience.

.....I am so happy for your easier mind..wonderful post...love the black dress and make- up and brave brave march to the doctor. We are do lucky to have you here ..you are such a help and inspiration.  btw...I get the hot flashes too...with pins and needles sensation all over my body...really uncomfortable. ..thank you MR for the post......coop

 

AWESOME IDEA for a thread Minnie.  Will head over there and post my visit information.  So sick right now.  Sweating and nausea.  Wow, this is real stuff.  I was thinking yesterday I need to slow down again, but everyone wants you up and running like before, you know?  The panic I would wake into had this hysteria to it.  Now I am going to rest in the sick and not worry.  Just be sick and in pain.  The pins and needles thing.. WHAT IS THAT??  Seriously, I am experiencing things i never did during taper.  Ah the mind..

 

I know it's like a broken record for those trying to pull us forward, but I had to get my own witness on this one.  So so thankful for all of you. 

 

Mrs. -  I meant to say how funny your song titles were.  Very creative.  And thank you for the Osteen links.  People give him a hard time, about not focusing on how to come to Christ etc.  For me I feel he speaks to those who are already christians.  We know how to get to heaven.  It's the life more abundantly part that's hard.  I love that he shows you how to get your mind focused properly. 

 

Okay, taking my sweaty, nauseous, headachy body to bed for some Korean Drama. 

 

Peace.. I am sorry this is so hard.  Coop gave some good advice about delegating.  Hang in there until October and reassess.  Easy to say, right?  After today I know I am not ready for some things.  I was going to load my plate up some more with sports and stuff, but taking it back off. 

 

Love you all,

MommyR

[[mr...]]

Just awoke to a **ahem** less than desirable dream.

 

MommyR, I had nausea as one of my more intense symptoms a little while back. I drank ginger tea which I liked as help. Often I'd mix it with chamomile. Both were caffeine free. I've read that supplementing with b6 can help nausea also. I've also chewed on some ginger chews to help it. I ate lots and lots of small meals (around 200-300 calories) that were low sugar and/or higher in fat & protein. Helped a lot! And helped me to stop losing weight, which Mr appreciated

 

I am thankful for you all. Thank you for being here with me

 

Love to you all,

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Great news Mommy

[[Mo...]]

Just awoke to a **ahem** less than desirable dream.

 

MommyR, I had nausea as one of my more intense symptoms a little while back. I drank ginger tea which I liked as help. Often I'd mix it with chamomile. Both were caffeine free. I've read that supplementing with b6 can help nausea also. I've also chewed on some ginger chews to help it. I ate lots and lots of small meals (around 200-300 calories) that were low sugar and/or higher in fat & protein. Helped a lot! And helped me to stop losing weight, which Mr appreciated

 

I am thankful for you all. Thank you for being here with me

 

Love to you all,

 

Mrs.

 

Ginger tea sounds really good.  I will ask hubby to get me some.  Those dreams are fun, right?  Sorry you had to experience it.  Hugs dear friend!

 

Thank you Drew!

[[Sk...]]

I can't leave you guys for a second, can I ? A lot happening on this thread while it was night in Italy and I was busy battling benzo demons during my nightshift !

 

But first things first.

 

 

I went to a concert last week of a pretty famous band from the 80's.  I was close to the stage, (too close for my social anxiety). The cheeky lead singer waved at me and blew a kiss.  It really shook me up, and I needed a couple days to calm down from that.  It's actually funny to me now.....

 

FLOC:  I'm a huge music guy so I need to ask who you saw  : )

 

MOMMY.....loved reading your update, just wanted to say that.  Such great stuff.

 

So Floc Who did you see ?

 

Now, MommyR this is such great news. It is just the support you needed. When a doctor supports one of us, it is as if we are all receiving that support.

 

I like it that he appreciated how you listed the symptoms in a matter of fact way. That is great. Unfortunately, it reminds me of the fact that when I did just that, many months ago,  the doctor started taking measurements for my straitjacket !

 

A good doctor makes a great  difference.

 

I am going through some bad stuff. It is mostly head pressure. It is Ok, at least there is no fear involved. Yes, it is harder to distract and I have to stay off the boards, but it beats the palps and vibrations any time.

 

Usually the nice stuff happens when I am away from the boards so that means I have a lot of nice posts to look forward to !

 

Keep them coming and let's get some healing done today .

 

 

 

[[He...]]

(warning:  somewhat of a downer post)

 

Good morning,

 

I feel like I have backslid in my healing process this week.  It's been a tough one of being in and out of a wave.  I even had a really rough 2 hour wave yesterday evening that felt like acute.  Just as I was completely convinced that I was minutes away from a heart attack or something else just as sinister, it lifted.  It wasn't caused by anything that I can put a finger on, it just happened...complete with anxiety, fear, and health anxiety.  UGH!!  :'(

 

I woke up this morning about 4:00 to use the bathroom and I couldn't go back to sleep, other than dozing.  My morning anxiety is revved up again, and I even felt those blasted internal vibrations.  I could just cry!  I was sure that I was HEALED, with just a shadow of symptoms hitting me now and then.....but this week makes me question that. 

 

6 - 18 months is the "average" healing time, right?  I'm 14 1/2 and just so DONE with this!!   

 

Mommy, thanks for sharing what your doctor said!  It was comforting to read.

 

Healing prayers for you all,

HH

 

[[wh...]]

Hi Coop and the gang.  Happy birthday Nova!

Sorry I've not been here lately.  I was always thinking about and praying for you all.

My therapist who I have to see to receive disability payments from work; recommended I not focus so much on the whole benzo thing.  They don't understand that the anxiety we feel is not regular anxiety that you can just breathe away.

It helps a bit but they don't understand the struggle.

I have been on YouTube.  KlonopinKills has a great story of the benzo journey and he is all better now.  It's nice to see someone's account of this in the flesh.  I recommend it if you haven't seen his story.  Made me feel so much better.  This crap is real.  Ugh.

I've been very up and down and see that you all have been too.  Some days have been pretty good but trying to get back to me is a struggle.  I feel lost still but I can tell I'm healing.

Throughout this whole thing I have taken some supplements that may at least help some of the physical pain as I don't seem to have as much as some of you.  The supplement mentioned below has helped me they say it can help upregulate GABA receptors

I get mine from Biogetica. 

We are gonna make it.  Glad to be back..  don't tell my therapist.lol

 

Bacopa Increases GABA Receptor Functionality

 

Byron's Comments:

 

Boosting GABA receptor function is a key to feeling more relaxed and less wound up.

 

Study Title:

Behavioral Deficit and Decreased GABA Receptor Functional Regulation in the Hippocampus of Epileptic Rats: Effect of Bacopa monnieri.

Study Abstract:

 

In the present study, alterations of the General GABA and GABA(A) receptors in the hippocampus of pilocarpine-induced temporal lobe epileptic rats and the therapeutic application of Bacopa monnieri and its active component Bacoside-A were investigated. Bacopa monnieri (Linn.) is a herbaceous plant belonging to the family Scrophulariaceae. Hippocampus is the major region of the brain belonging to the limbic system and plays an important role in epileptogenesis, memory and learning. Scatchard analysis of [(3)H]GABA and [(3)H]bicuculline in the hippocampus of the epileptic rat showed significant decrease in B(max) (P < 0.001) compared to control. Real Time PCR amplification of GABA(A) receptor sub-units such as GABA(Aalpha1), GABA(Aalpha5,) GABA(Adelta), and GAD were down regulated (P < 0.001) in the hippocampus of the epileptic rats compared to control. GABA(Agamma) subunit was up regulated. Epileptic rats have deficit in the radial arm and Y maze performance. Bacopa monnieri and Bacoside-A treatment reverses all these changes near to control. Our results suggest that decreased GABA receptors in the hippocampus have an important role in epilepsy associated behavioral deficit, Bacopa monnieri and Bacoside-A have clinical significance in the management of epilepsy.

 

 

Study Information:

 

Mathew J, Gangadharan G, Kuruvilla KP, Paulose CS. Behavioral Deficit and Decreased GABA Receptor Functional Regulation in the Hippocampus of Epileptic Rats: Effect of Bacopa monnieri. Neurochem Res. 2010 September

Molecular Neurobiology and Cell Biology Unit, Centre for Neuroscience, Department of Biotechnology, Cochin University of Science

 

 

[[ga...]]

HHope...you're not alone.  I am at 14 months and having issues with insomnia and depressed thoughts in the early mornings.  I have some stressors.  Leaving with family for NYC today..5 hour flight and relatives all weekend.  THis stuff never use to bother me but now I get so down and anxious when taking any vacation.  I lose sleep and that's the trigger for the rest.  I am trying to take it one moment at a time.  I just don't like feeling this way when events like this come up. It makes me feel even worse that I can't relax and enjoy the getaway with family.  Best to you.  This too shall pass!

[[Sk...]]

(warning:  somewhat of a downer post)

 

Good morning,

 

I feel like I have backslid in my healing process this week.  It's been a tough one of being in and out of a wave.  I even had a really rough 2 hour wave yesterday evening that felt like acute.  Just as I was completely convinced that I was minutes away from a heart attack or something else just as sinister, it lifted.  It wasn't caused by anything that I can put a finger on, it just happened...complete with anxiety, fear, and health anxiety.  UGH!!  :'(

 

I woke up this morning about 4:00 to use the bathroom and I couldn't go back to sleep, other than dozing.  My morning anxiety is revved up again, and I even felt those blasted internal vibrations.  I could just cry!  I was sure that I was HEALED, with just a shadow of symptoms hitting me now and then.....but this week makes me question that. 

 

6 - 18 months is the "average" healing time, right?  I'm 14 1/2 and just so DONE with this!!   

 

Mommy, thanks for sharing what your doctor said!  It was comforting to read.

 

Healing prayers for you all,

HH

 

 

Healing, of course you are tired of this. It has been a long time for you .

 

You come and tell us the nice things, it's only fair that we get to hear the bad things too. The internal vibrations are awful, I am having my share of those as I write.

 

Garton, try to enjoy your weekend a little. Hope you will tell us all about it next week.

 

I am trudging on through this wave. Blessings to all of you.