6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Sky, you are sure doing great!!

 

Although your teaching takes much preparation you are doing it! Good for you!

 

Be well!!

 

[[Mo...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I love reading your posts to my mom.  Lately she sits with me while I update her on how everyone is doing.  We laugh when someone jokes or rejoice for a window.  We commiserate with the s/x and talk about how many more months we have to go. 

 

Nova, it was so wonderful to see you got away. 

 

I'm still in the thick of this 9-10month discomfort so not much to add on my part other then hanging in there.  I am very me focused right now.  Wish I was more interesting or had a good story for you.  Maybe next month. 

 

Thank you everyone for the support. 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Mommy, you are doing great! Love hearing from you and your Mom!! Tell her hello, and that she is amazing for being such a great support to you! 

 

Take care of yourself!!

 

[[Mo...]]

Do alot of yall still have that fear and anxiety after 6 months?

 

Yup

[[Mo...]]

Mommy, you are doing great! Love hearing from you and your Mom!! Tell her hello, and that she is amazing for being such a great support to you! 

 

Take care of yourself!!

 

 

Thanks G!  Will be glad to get out from under this one.  Hugs

[Guest [su...]]

i just wish i could feel like me the old me.. that would be awesome. when will this happen? we don't know.. i hope all our sood ufffering brings us so much joy one day soon.. my husband is such a good guy to listen to me everyday for 8.5 months. all the crying and complaining about not being who i used to be and all the pain i've endured.. i sometimes wonder if it'll all end or maybe this is it... we all need hope and encouragement to get through this that god for this forum..

[[ga...]]

sussie...this isn't easy for any of us.. So sorry you're having a difficult time.  I am in the midst of having a tough time sleeping and just feeling downright depressed.  I can't seem to feel anything positive about my life.  I just kind of feel stuck where I am at.  Not a good place.  I am hoping things improve in the next few days.  This has gone on for over a month now with just a few breaks now and then.  There are times you just feel like giving up.  I feel your pain.

[[Mi...]]

Hi everyone.  I still stop by here and read from time to time but I rarely post.  I really try to avoid thinking about the healing process if I can.  Well today, I cannot stop thinking about it, here's why:

 

Today is 11 months for me.  YAAAAAY....wooo....clap clap clap.  The month of August and first week of this month was awesome in general.  Took a vacation, saw a concert, a lot of fun was being had without many SX at all.  I would say I was getting daily windows of 80-100%.  So so cool to feel intact, in control, and to be able to handle stress and responsibility somewhat normally.

 

On the dark side:

 

Major SX Monday, Yesterday, and this morning.  DP, cold, itchy all over, muscles feel stretched to the point of breaking, mouth feels like it's filled with hair, angry, sad, FRIGHTENED, confused, annoyed, dumb, blurry tired vision, (I sleep great though).  Last night it felt like a throwback from the first couple weeks of withdrawal I was so bad.  This morning I was so tense and foggy I could barely get my 8 year old ready for school, pack a lunch, you know, baby chores really.  My brain just couldn't focus.

 

I wasn't sure if I should even post all this crap.  On one side I'm bragging about how good I've been feeling for a long time, which is encouraging to readers. On the other side I'm describing three days of off and on hell.  Ya know what?  I'm gonna press send anyway, because I feel for once, in a long time, that I need to reach out.

[[mi...]]

Mike so glad to hear all the positives occurring at 11 months! Also glad you pressed send we are here for each other's victories and struggles.

[[Mi...]]

Thanks Minnie.  I see you are almost 2 months off.  Good for you!  Looks like we were both on about the same dose of X per day.  Like you, I tried to taper a few times but it seemed like any micro reduction caused full blown SX and panic.  Wish I could have tapered but cold turkey was the only way for me.  I wish you well, thanks for responding. 

 

I'm freezing cold and tense, going to hop in the hot tub and see if I can make this feeling go away.

[[Gr...]]

Peace-- I get this dark feeling, not sure if that is what you experience. Its a feeling of the world and everything around me has a dark vibe and feeling to it. Very creepy feeling and it scares me too.

 

Did you ever read the Berenstain Bears books to your kids?  The one on strangers? There are two pages facing each other, one is light and sunny and everyone is smiling, and the one next to it is the same picture, but it's dark and everyone is frowning or looks threatening and scary?  Dark, creepy, weird.

 

Ok Susan, this pretty much hits the nail on the head.

 

Mrs too has a point when talking about the elephant in the room, our creepy  interior monologues. One day maybe we'll laugh about these things. Maybe.

About partners, husbands and such. Yes, this is a me trip and I am sick of it. But then Mr Sky just surprises me, when I least expect it, he asks me in detail about my symptoms. He knows all of them!  How do they do it? I don't know if I would be up to it after so long !

 

Yesterday, I had that anxiety and then, suddenly, for no reason, it disappeared.

 

One student, from China, showed up online, with her family around the webcam and introduced me. I chatted with the children and it was really nice, I can't explain it.

But the preparation is gruelling.

If washing my hair requires strength of will, planning and manages to take a whole day, you can imagine what preparing for a lesson might be. I can'timagine how Jenny does so much more.

 

I had other things I wanted to say but of course I have forgotten everything .

 

Everybody, thanks for your posts, they are so much help. It is great to read about your battles, your days. Nova and his hut, Jenny banging her head on the table, bothering the mice but getting the superlatives right, Garton struggling and GreenIce telling it like it is. Mrs, tactfully reminding us of the bigger picture. Coop giving us pearls of wisdom no matter what we throw at her.

 

The list is long. All voices I have come to look forward to. Each telling their story in their own way.

 

Have a better day.

 

Sky, you are the phoenix emerging from the burning ash.  Soon you will soar, wings stretched, wide and powerful.

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I love reading your posts to my mom.  Lately she sits with me while I update her on how everyone is doing.  We laugh when someone jokes or rejoice for a window.  We commiserate with the s/x and talk about how many more months we have to go. 

 

Nova, it was so wonderful to see you got away. 

 

I'm still in the thick of this 9-10month discomfort so not much to add on my part other then hanging in there.  I am very me focused right now.  Wish I was more interesting or had a good story for you.  Maybe next month. 

 

Thank you everyone for the support.

 

This 9-10 thing is no joke.  Great waves mean great healing?  Well, we should be doing boot camp jumping jacks after this sucker, lol.  Hang on. It gets better.

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone.  I still stop by here and read from time to time but I rarely post.  I really try to avoid thinking about the healing process if I can.  Well today, I cannot stop thinking about it, here's why:

 

Today is 11 months for me.  YAAAAAY....wooo....clap clap clap.  The month of August and first week of this month was awesome in general.  Took a vacation, saw a concert, a lot of fun was being had without many SX at all.  I would say I was getting daily windows of 80-100%.  So so cool to feel intact, in control, and to be able to handle stress and responsibility somewhat normally.

 

On the dark side:

 

Major SX Monday, Yesterday, and this morning.  DP, cold, itchy all over, muscles feel stretched to the point of breaking, mouth feels like it's filled with hair, angry, sad, FRIGHTENED, confused, annoyed, dumb, blurry tired vision, (I sleep great though).  Last night it felt like a throwback from the first couple weeks of withdrawal I was so bad.  This morning I was so tense and foggy I could barely get my 8 year old ready for school, pack a lunch, you know, baby chores really.  My brain just couldn't focus.

 

I wasn't sure if I should even post all this crap.  On one side I'm bragging about how good I've been feeling for a long time, which is encouraging to readers. On the other side I'm describing three days of off and on hell.  Ya know what?  I'm gonna press send anyway, because I feel for once, in a long time, that I need to reach out.

 

Mike, I think this is normal.  We have a couple of people feeling  mostly good and then a tough wave that scares them.  But remember what the prevailing wisdom is:  You feel better and better, waves come further and further apart.  And they call them "wicked waves."  So hang in there, this shouldn't last too long.  HealingHope is doing really well, and she got hit with a wave at 14 months.  Maybe look for her post.

[[je...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I love reading your posts to my mom.  Lately she sits with me while I update her on how everyone is doing.  We laugh when someone jokes or rejoice for a window.  We commiserate with the s/x and talk about how many more months we have to go. 

 

Nova, it was so wonderful to see you got away. 

 

I'm still in the thick of this 9-10month discomfort so not much to add on my part other then hanging in there.  I am very me focused right now.  Wish I was more interesting or had a good story for you.  Maybe next month. 

 

Thank you everyone for the support.

 

This 9-10 thing is no joke.  Great waves mean great healing?  Well, we should be doing boot camp jumping jacks after this sucker, lol.  Hang on. It gets better.

 

 

I agree! That 10 month wave I had was the worst one yet, and I still feel "off". I wish healing was linear, ya know?

[[je...]]

Hi everyone.  I still stop by here and read from time to time but I rarely post.  I really try to avoid thinking about the healing process if I can.  Well today, I cannot stop thinking about it, here's why:

 

Today is 11 months for me.  YAAAAAY....wooo....clap clap clap.  The month of August and first week of this month was awesome in general.  Took a vacation, saw a concert, a lot of fun was being had without many SX at all.  I would say I was getting daily windows of 80-100%.  So so cool to feel intact, in control, and to be able to handle stress and responsibility somewhat normally.

 

On the dark side:

 

Major SX Monday, Yesterday, and this morning.  DP, cold, itchy all over, muscles feel stretched to the point of breaking, mouth feels like it's filled with hair, angry, sad, FRIGHTENED, confused, annoyed, dumb, blurry tired vision, (I sleep great though).  Last night it felt like a throwback from the first couple weeks of withdrawal I was so bad.  This morning I was so tense and foggy I could barely get my 8 year old ready for school, pack a lunch, you know, baby chores really.  My brain just couldn't focus.

 

I wasn't sure if I should even post all this crap.  On one side I'm bragging about how good I've been feeling for a long time, which is encouraging to readers. On the other side I'm describing three days of off and on hell.  Ya know what?  I'm gonna press send anyway, because I feel for once, in a long time, that I need to reach out.

 

 

Hi mIke--I had my worst wave yet at 9/10 months out, and others have too. I think its normal to have these bad waves so far out, but they are harder to take because we expect to never have to deal with them past month 6. It can be very discouraging, but hang tough we will get there! Jenny

[[Mo...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I love reading your posts to my mom.  Lately she sits with me while I update her on how everyone is doing.  We laugh when someone jokes or rejoice for a window.  We commiserate with the s/x and talk about how many more months we have to go. 

 

Nova, it was so wonderful to see you got away. 

 

I'm still in the thick of this 9-10month discomfort so not much to add on my part other then hanging in there.  I am very me focused right now.  Wish I was more interesting or had a good story for you.  Maybe next month. 

 

Thank you everyone for the support.

 

This 9-10 thing is no joke.  Great waves mean great healing?  Well, we should be doing boot camp jumping jacks after this sucker, lol.  Hang on. It gets better.

 

 

I agree! That 10 month wave I had was the worst one yet, and I still feel "off". I wish healing was linear, ya know?

 

Definite sucker punch on this one.  It's like we are in some hellish boot camp....  except I don't get the boot camp body when I"m done..  :'(

[[dr...]]

mommy2-I got "Benzo Body by Poison".  Out of shape and  exhausted.....  

[[Te...]]

I just started six months out, and I'm having the WORST physical pain since month 2!!! Terrible pain in my left foot. I had a foot injury about four years ago in that area, but the pain wasn't this bad EVER. 

[[mr...]]

mommy2-I got "Benzo Body by Poison".   Out of shape and  exhausted.....

 

Songs titles that are fitting for a "Benzos Greatest Hits Album":

 

Hold On Loosely

Same Old Feeling

Like No Other Night

(by 38 special)

 

All This Time

I Hung My Head

Its Probably Me

Fragile

(by Sting)

 

I Want to Break Free

Under Pressure

Fat Bottomed Girls (haha, from benzo couchin'!)

(by Queen)

 

Little Lies

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

Oh Well

(by Stevie Nicks)

 

Dazed and Confused

I Can't Quit You Baby

Ten Years Gone

Stairway to Heaven

How Many More Times

(by Led Zeppelin)

 

Manic Depression

(by Jimi Hendrix)

 

Hurt

Ain't No Grave

Cry Cry Cry

(by Johnny Cash)

 

And for you tinnitus lovers, a special one for you!:

 

Shatter the Silence (by 38 special)

 

DUDE, I was laughing so much making this list!! Too fun This is just in jest, by the way -- none are meant for serious

 

Any others I am forgetting?

 

Mrs.

[[Mi...]]

I just started six months out, and I'm having the WORST physical pain since month 2!!! Terrible pain in my left foot. I had a foot injury about four years ago in that area, but the pain wasn't this bad EVER. 

 

Hi Terry I totally understand the pain part.  Let me prove it.  Last night during the worst part of this recent super wave my back pain had me bent over the kitchen counter almost screaming.  My wife asked what she could do, I said nothing, just leave me be it will pass.  It only peaked for about 10 minutes thank god.  As a person with chronic pain for a decade I can handle just about anything and not let it be noticed by others, but "wave pain" can definitely go off the charts since it seems to attack muscle and nerve at the same time.  Throw in a preexisting condition and it can definitely spell trouble.

 

A big thank you to anyone who read my post.  The replies I got were enough for me not to feel alone and sad.  I can't count how many times in the past 11 months (especially the first 6) I came here to read and how much better it made me feel.  This forum is priceless, you folks are priceless. 

 

Feeling completely understood while experiencing the strangest and most random side effects is something every former benzo user should have access to. 

[[Co...]]

Mike,  ..I am a week into month 10 ánd experiencing similar pattern. I had a brutal wave at month 9.5. The worst since acute in fact just exactly like acute plus a new one...dizziness.

...This eave lasted a good 2 weeks with a few sunbreaks and one window. It is lifting now ( knock on wood) ...As I read the posts from the group it seems that a few waves from hell in the last part of year one are common...and knock us down because we are do worn out after months of w/d and so ready to be done...completely battle weary....I hope,  for all of us,  that this is the last hurrahh from the Benzo Beast and its healing from here on in. ...

...Eleven months...that is such a very big deal. ...congratulations.....coop

[[...]]

Hi all!

 

Sorry to hear about the rough time goin on out there! Hope there's relief soon for everyone!

 

Mrs, I love your songs! They had me laughing!! 

 

[[pe...]]

i just wish i could feel like me the old me.. that would be awesome. when will this happen?

 

Sussie,

I'm with you. When do I get to be healthy again? I hope it's soon for all of us.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... the "old" patterns are not too far below the surface for me ... the "trap door" is still there ... had a "scratchy" eye for a couple of days ... not paying it much attention ... getting ready for sleep last night ... looked in the mirror ... eye quite red and irritated ... saw a little blood in the corner ... and the "trap door" opened ... "side effect' "auto-pilot" kicked in ... heart rate up, panic, got clothes on, called cab, arrived at ER ... and "stopped" ... wondering what the hell am I doing here ...

 

Oh well, I am here now, might as well get it checked out ... seven hours later ... on and off the ER merry-go-round ... was actually offered Ativan to "calm down", was told it would help while I was "waiting" ... seems they were just stalling until their eye clinic opened ...

 

Sun came up ... checked out of ER ... went for breakfast ... sat in Public Gardens ... had a good chuckle ... called my eye guy ... saw him ... yes my eye was "bleeding" a bit ... probably self-irritated ... some bits of "scratching" ... got some pre-cautionary ointment and all is well ... came home ... had a nap ...

 

I have to remember to keep those "trap doors" closed ...

 

 

[[pe...]]

I am struggling right now. I think there is a very real chance I could lose my job simply because I can not perform at the level expected. I have next to no energy and spent the day trying not to cry. It's all so very overwhelming with more tasks and more expectations coming down the pike. And more waves coming too…

 

I'm not sure how this ends. I know none of you can tell me either, but right now things are looking next to impossible and I don't even know where to focus. Focus on recovery, focus on getting through each day at this job. They are not the same thing. I read about your symptoms and lots of days that's me too, except in a classroom of 29 children with 6 other adults who want to collaborate with me and take them in small groups for French lessons, music lessons, art lessons, etc… My head would be spinning without withdrawal. My goal, and it's quite pathetic, is to work until October 1st because that's when my benefits kick in. If I can make it until then, I'll have at least a tiny cushion.

 

Why is this taking so long? What if it doesn't get better? I've only got eight months under my belt and can't imagine ten more.

Prayers are welcome.

Peace :'(