An experience like no other

[[mi...]]

PJ,

I read your story and it brings me great hope.  I am so happy that you have made it through this ordeal.  Though, I am much better than the first 60 days after complete withdrawal, I am still suffering with anxiety issues that are preventing me from getting on with my life in addition to irrational fears.  I was wondering if these just went away for you abrubptly or faded over time and if so when did they fade?  I know everyone is different.  I feel as if my nervous system just can't handle a ton of stimuli and fear that I am going to go backwards.  I fear that I will embarrass myself if I see friends and co-workers since no one really knows my situation.  Except that I had a breakdown due to a divorce.  Is there anything special you did to fight through the fear or did you just take things on as your system started to heal?  Thank you so much for any responses that you might provide. 

 

Thanks,

Miffed

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Hi PJ.  Glad to read another success story and one that, like mine, took over a year to write.  I read about your stomach issues.  I was wondering if those have all subsided for you?  I had GERD before benzos and still take a prilosec or zantac about five days a week (one or the other).  I tried to taper off last year but wasn't able to stay off.  By the way, I also took levaquin a few times for sinus infections in the last five years.  Fortunately, I don't think anything terrible happened from it but you never know.  I won't use them again based on what I've read since. 

 

Vertigo

 

Hi, Vertigo

 

Yes, the H pylori was eliminated, and my acid reflux is gone now.  I never had it before I was on Ativan, and after the Ativan was long gone from my body, the reflux went to, so it was definitely related to taking the Ativan.  To deal with the reflux, I would take Prilocec one week a month, and then I would use Zantac sparingly, maybe once or twice a week.

 

Good luck, Acid reflux is not a very pleasant experience, as you know.

 

pj

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HII pj , how r u my friend iam 7 months off now iam alot batter than before iget the symptoms  maybe one every 3 weeks ore more its start to go ifeel its getting alot batter . how u doing?

 

Hi hoda,

 

I am doing great, it sounds like your symptoms are starting to disappear.  I am happy to hear that, hoda.  You are well on your way to becoming completely healed.  The best of luck to you in whatever you do.

 

pj

[[...]]

PJ,

I read your story and it brings me great hope.  I am so happy that you have made it through this ordeal.  Though, I am much better than the first 60 days after complete withdrawal, I am still suffering with anxiety issues that are preventing me from getting on with my life in addition to irrational fears.  I was wondering if these just went away for you abrubptly or faded over time and if so when did they fade?  I know everyone is different.  I feel as if my nervous system just can't handle a ton of stimuli and fear that I am going to go backwards.  I fear that I will embarrass myself if I see friends and co-workers since no one really knows my situation.  Except that I had a breakdown due to a divorce.  Is there anything special you did to fight through the fear or did you just take things on as your system started to heal?  Thank you so much for any responses that you might provide. 

 

Thanks,

Miffed

 

 

 

 

Hi Miffed,

 

The anxiety, the irrational fears, and the strange intrusive thoughts that took hold of me, and would not let go, lasted for almost three months.  One day, like a puff of smoke does on a windy day, the anxiety, and those thoughts of doom and gloom disappeared, and much to my delight, have not returned.  When I realized it was the benzos that had put those intrusive thoughts of the unknown, and the constant thoughts of death, and dying in my mind, I was able to deal with it by replacing those thoughts with more pleasant thoughts such as how things would be so much better once I was able to get my life back. 

 

Miffed, It is the intrusive thoughts, caused by the benzos that are making you fearful, and contemplating all those 'what ifs'... that seldom ever come true... running through your mind.  I discovered that taking long walks, living in the moment, and not dwelling on the yesterdays, really helped lift my sagging spirits, and clear my mind of negative thoughts.  I found that the further along I was in my recovery my confidence, the desire, and the willingness to venture out more, and the ability to resume my life with a more confident, and positive attitude was becoming a reality, just as it will for you. 

 

Miffed, try not to be too hard on yourself, you have been through a lot.  A divorce can certainly be a traumatic experience, and cause one's anxiety to shoot up higher than a skyrocket.  Remind yourself that all you are dealing with is temporary, and that time really does heal all wounds.

 

Take care...I wish you the very best.

pj

 

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thx pj, yesterday igot anxiety it was weird couz iwas so normal past couple months but jaso t0old me that normal in healing so ihope iam ending it wasnt hard like bfore but iwas just worry couz i thought iam  done

[[mi...]]

Thank you PJ.  I really appreciate you taking the time to provide support and helpful information.  These stories of success keep me going.  God bless.

[[...]]

thx pj, yesterday igot anxiety it was weird couz iwas so normal past couple months but jaso t0old me that normal in healing so ihope iam ending it wasnt hard like bfore but iwas just worry couz i thought iam  done

 

You're welcome, hoda.  Jenny is right, Your symptoms can come and go....until they finally leave for good.  Jenny is a very helpful, and understanding girl, of course, you already knew that. 

[[...]]

Thank you PJ.  I really appreciate you taking the time to provide support and helpful information.  These stories of success keep me going.  God bless.

 

You're welcome, miffed.  Yesterday I received a summons requiring me to do two weeks of jury duty.  I am actually looking forward to it, six months ago, if I had gotten that summons, my anxiety would have hit the roof.

[[ro...]]

Hi PJ:

 

Your use of benzos and Ambien is so much like mine.  I used Ativan about 3x per week for about 2+ years, along with Ambien nitely.  I was also given this stuff for CT off Lunesta when my thyroid medication was way overdosed.  I went hyperthyroid as a result and that's where all my troubles started. 

 

I had lived with H Pylori for several years but could not make it through the treatment.  The last time I tried, in 2009, I made it through and the pylori was eradicated. 

 

My biggest issue for me now are the food sensitivity issues.  Can't tolerate high carbs, MSG, and now an organic milk product that had some DHA added, put me into a world of hurt for two nites that I drank it.  I only take a calcium and magnesium supplement.  Did you find you had some food sensitivities?  I keep a food journal as well as an activity/mood journal and I can see some correlation. 

 

I'm so happy you have made it through this to the other side.  I did have a 17 day window in July, and most recently, a 12 day window until the milk thing.  I was taking Unisom nitely for 8 months and tapered off that in June.  Also, a horrible month to get off that OTC antihistamine. 

 

This has been a very weepy day for me.  I try to analyze what throws me back into the gutter.  I researched DHA and it is very problematic with symptoms, i.e., muscle aches, headaches, stomach upset.  Turns out, DHA is fermented algae made by a neurotoxic petrochemical. 

 

Thank you for sharing your success story.  I have been reading it through tears of joy for you.

 

Best regards,

Rocko

[[...]]

Hi Rocko,

 

H pylori, Ativan, and Ambien...we both can certainly relate to those three things.  I'm really glad that you were finally able to rid yourself of the H pylori.  I hope you can also resolve your food sensitivity issues.  Some time ago, I was watching a program where a doctor was being interviewed about all the addditives that are in our food.  When he mentioned MSG, and how it triggers migraines in some people I became really interested in what he was saying, because I was prone to getting migraines.  I quit eating processed foods, and to my amazement, I was no longer having migraines.  I am definitely sensitive to MSG, which, along with most additives, has no viable reason to be in our food supply.  I have noticed that I'm also sensitive to Vitamin D in tablet form.  I have also eliminated carbonated colas, etc., and definitely no artificial sweeteners.     

 

Good for you for getting off the Unison, and the antihistamine.  When I was desperate for sleep, I found that the OTC products that I tried, did nothing but give me a headache, and a groggy  feeing the next day.

 

I am sorry that you had, a not so good day.  I sincerely hope that you can find the answers to what is causing your food sensitivities.  I guess you will have to continue to be like like Sherlock Holmes, and track down the culprits, through the process of elimination.

 

Thank you for stopping by with your kind words.  I hope things soon turn around for you, so you can have some happy, carefree days that are free from pain, and worry... you deserve them.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

pj   

 

 

 

 

[[mi...]]

Thanks PJ.  Prior to taking benzos or while on benzos and not in tolerance withdrawal, I would have been pissed about getting a jury duty notice for "lazy" reasons.  Now it would be for benzo withdrawal anxiety reasons.  I look forward to the day of getting jury duty with appreciation that I no longer have this anxiety hell.  I'd serve with pride. 

 

What was your work experience and social experience like?  For me, I am doing very little stuff for work right now and not socializing with any of my friends as I have moved away for a little while and am trying to keep this low profile.  Did you find that you were just out of commission until you healed?  I am troubled because I can't bring myself to do the things I was once capable of doing but at the same time, I am struggling with constant thought about health, whether there is anything more I can do, work, my ex-wife, Since I am not doing much, it is hard to stop thinking the repetitive thoughts.  I am certainly not locked in a room.  I go can go out to exercise, go to various stores, go out of town with family members, do some work remotely, go to family members' houses locally but can't take it to the next level.  Like live by myself, make decisions that impact future plans because I am afraid to plan as I don't know how I'll feel the next day etc. 

 

Thanks again.   

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hi pj, yea she and cedar both really hlep me alot iwas just feeling bad couz iwas 2 months perfect natural tell last week i thought iam getting crazy

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Thanks PJ.  Prior to taking benzos or while on benzos and not in tolerance withdrawal, I would have been pissed about getting a jury duty notice for "lazy" reasons.  Now it would be for benzo withdrawal anxiety reasons.  I look forward to the day of getting jury duty with appreciation that I no longer have this anxiety hell.  I'd serve with pride. 

 

What was your work experience and social experience like?  For me, I am doing very little stuff for work right now and not socializing with any of my friends as I have moved away for a little while and am trying to keep this low profile.  Did you find that you were just out of commission until you healed?  I am troubled because I can't bring myself to do the things I was once capable of doing but at the same time, I am struggling with constant thought about health, whether there is anything more I can do, work, my ex-wife, Since I am not doing much, it is hard to stop thinking the repetitive thoughts.  I am certainly not locked in a room.  I go can go out to exercise, go to various stores, go out of town with family members, do some work remotely, go to family members' houses locally but can't take it to the next level.  Like live by myself, make decisions that impact future plans because I am afraid to plan as I don't know how I'll feel the next day etc. 

 

Thanks again.   

 

Mif,

 

For about two months after my cold turkey, I was like a Zombie.  I didn't sleep for 30 days; I tried to rest, but I just could not sleep, because my mind would not stop racing.  I was functioning on adrenalin rushes.  Ever so slowly I emerged from my Zombie like state, and was able to go back to work, which actually was very beneficial to my recovery because I was forced to face people, and all the nuances of life.  Doing this kept my mind off of all the muscle pain, and the other withdrawal symptoms.  Would I have rather been home?  Absolutely.

 

As far as socializing, that was non-existent.  When my work day was over, I hurried home to my couch potato life, because I had no motivation to do much of anything, which was totally out of character for me.  Before the benzos, I was like the energizer bunny...always on the go, interested in most everything, highly motivated.  It has all come back, but it sure took a long time.

 

You are getting out and doing things; that's great, just keep doing it at your own pace.  You know your limits when it comes to how much stress, and inter-action with others you are comfortable with.  When it comes to taking it to 'the next level' you will know it, and you will feel it.  It will just happen.

 

Good luck.

 

pj

 

 

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hi pj, yea she and cedar both really hlep me alot iwas just feeling bad couz iwas 2 months perfect natural tell last week i thought iam getting crazy

 

Hi hoda...yes jenny and cedar are very special.  It's really nice of them to want to help people after they, themselves, have healed  It's hard to feel normal for a time, and then go back to feeling bad again, isn't it?.  I am glad you are not going crazy.  How is your store?  Are you still lifting weights, or don't you feel like lifting because of the withdrawals?

 

Good luck to you, hoda.

 

pj

[[mi...]]

PJ,

Thank you so much.  It is quite reassuring to hear more detail about how you managed out of the the hole and what you experience.  Realizing that everyone has different timelines, medicines, amounts, recovery periods, and symptoms, we do all share a common bond.  Trying to overcome the biggest life challenge we will ever face.  I am certainly very grateful that you are still taking the time to answer questions and I am sure the rest of the those reading your responses on this forum are also very appreciative.  This has been a tough week and your input, since you are a success story, shines more light towards the end of the tunnel.  May your life continue to get better and better every day. 

 

Thank you,

M

[[...]]

PJ,

Thank you so much.  It is quite reassuring to hear more detail about how you managed out of the the hole and what you experience.  Realizing that everyone has different timelines, medicines, amounts, recovery periods, and symptoms, we do all share a common bond.  Trying to overcome the biggest life challenge we will ever face.  I am certainly very grateful that you are still taking the time to answer questions and I am sure the rest of the those reading your responses on this forum are also very appreciative.  This has been a tough week and your input, since you are a success story, shines more light towards the end of the tunnel.  May your life continue to get better and better every day. 

 

Thank you,

M

 

You're welcome, M...thank you for the kind words.  I'm pleased that I was able to offer you a glimmer of hope.  I have met so many kind, and decent people here, who through no fault of their own, have felt the ravage, and the indignity of Benzodiazepine withdrawals.  I have learned much from my time wandering around this unique community.  Most notably, that no man is an island.  We need, and depend on each other more than we sometimes realize. We are all more or less in the same boat, rowing towards a destination where we can find some peace, and happiness in a world that often seems to shun us when we are the most vulnerable.  If someone is weaker or sick, and is having a hard time keeping up the pace, we who are stronger, must row that much harder to insure that everyone can reach their goal in life, and have a chance to feel like they are indeed, somebody.

 

When you reach the end of that tunnel, keep the light shining brightly to guide all who may follow.

 

pj       

[[ha...]]

Amen, pj, and so be it.

You are a light to so many as well as having a good sense of when to veer off from the path. I am coming close to healing and will heed your words and move to help others. A strange journey; almost unbelievable in its complexities.

Thank you for your strength; you share it here and it is appreciated by so many.

Cheers!

Hanna

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hii pj, yup iam still lifting weight thats my life icant leave it , and yea ifeel bad after been normal but itrus u gus thats why iam stell fighting and keep my self stronger iknow its coming soon

[[mi...]]

Thanks PJ,

Well said.  I will one day work to help those suffering through this very unkind and unimaginable process. 

Thank you.

[[...]]

Thanks PJ,

Well said.  I will one day work to help those suffering through this very unkind and unimaginable process. 

Thank you.

hii pj, yup iam still lifting weight thats my life icant leave it , and yea ifeel bad after been normal but itrus u gus thats why iam stell fighting and keep my self stronger iknow its coming soon

Amen, pj, and so be it.

You are a light to so many as well as having a good sense of when to veer off from the path. I am coming close to healing and will heed your words and move to help others. A strange journey; almost unbelievable in its complexities.

Thank you for your strength; you share it here and it is appreciated by so many.

Cheers!

Hanna

 

Thank you hanna, hoda, and mif...nice to hear from you guys.         

 

I hope you are all doing better.  A very kind, and concerned member sent me a message asking me about anxiety.  It got me to thinking about how so many people are having such a dificult time dealing with anxiety, so, not having a blog;  I hope it is alright to write a few words on this thread about anxiety.   

 

Given the fast-paced way in which we must live our lives, the pressures of working, the stress of keeping the home front up and running, being connected to cell phones, iphones, ipads, ipods, laptops, social networks, and instant text messaging, in my opinion, makes it impossible for us, to eliminate all anxiety from our lives.  Anxiety appears to be worse in the morning because we are thinking about all that we must conquer and contend with during the upcoming day. 

 

Add withdrawals from benzos into the mix, and our anxiety can be a hundred times more pronounced, and make us want to just pull the covers up over our head, and say the heck with everything.  But being human beings, with a built in gene, that doesn't want us to fail, we get up out of the safety, and comfort of that bed, putting one tired foot in front of the other tired foot, we forge on ahead because our desire to not let that benzo bully run our lives, is stronger than his desire to hold us down, and keep us down.

 

I think what we must remember is that some anxiety is always going to be with us.  Under most circumstances it is very manageable, and we can just sluff it off as a natural part of life.  When I was experiencing anxiety that went through the roof and beyond, and could not get those thoughts of despair, and dying out of my mind, I would get some relief by going for a walk with my dog, and ponder all the positive things in my life, for which I was thankful.  When I had no desire to venture outside, I would would pace around my living room...walking seemed to ratchet down the anxiety a few notches.

 

I think it is very important that every day we do something that we 'want' to do..not something that we 'have' to do. Watching an old black and white movie, looking at old photographs, reading a book that offers escape from a hum drum life, day dreaming about far-away exotic places or being a kid again, and staring up at the sky and putting a face or a shape to a big ol' fluffy cloud, can all do wonders to ease anxiety.

 

Now that I have healed from that maddening and demeaning Benzodiazepine experience...and everyone else will too...the anxiety that I now have, is the kind that can be managed  with a smile, a hearty laugh or a shrug of the shoulders, and saying to myself..".ya, pj, life has more ups and down than a six flags roller coaster..enjoy the ride!"  I does happen folks, life can, and will get better.

 

The very best to all you nice folks, who, through no fault of your own, are struggling with the painful, and confusing withdrawals that has taken so much from you. 

 

pj

 

 

[[mi...]]

Very well written PJ.  Thank you.

 

[[je...]]

WOW! THIS IS AN AWESOME POST!!!!!!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR SHARING! SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

[[St...]]

Dearest PJ,

 

I have read your Success story many times over these last few months and it is always as powerful to me at the time of reading as it was the time before.  You do have a way with words.  You are able to convey you story with comfort and strength.  (It is hard but I made it through and you will too) but in much better wording, you truly get your message across with gentle yet forward moving meaning.

 

I have just finished re reading this entire thread and have enjoyed my time spent here.  Thank you for being you PJ, you really have touched my life.

 

You are about seven months ahead of me I believe.  I am coming up on my 1 year and I think you are coming up on your 19 months.  Congrats on your healing, I hope you continue to feel well.

 

You wrote in your first posting here, that you felt when reading postings of years ago that you felt you were treading on sacred territory.  I remember when I was afraid people would feel I was stalking them. So often people bare their soles and it feels strange to be reading such raw words from strangers. Then these strangers become your friends.

 

This has been an experience in humanity unlike any that I have ever experienced in my life.  I love having all the stereo types gone, barriers gone, profiles gone.  We are all just people that had been written prescriptions for various problems and all ended up here together with one goal in common.

 

I came here Jan 11th 2012. I'm so thankful that BB was here for I was from the forum the TRAP. Upon it's closing I along with so many others found my way here and all the BB were kind and welcoming.  At first it felt like two different forums but that very shortly dissolved and it became a big intertwining community of support. I have thought of myself as a BB for months now, this is where majority of my healing and knowledge have taken place.

 

Thank you PJ for your continued posts of support and improved healing.  It encourages me, even though I can see my healing happening, it still give me hope as to how it will continue.  I'm not finished at my 1 year mark, the worse is over, but the best is still to come.

 

It is amazing how much better I am than even 2 months ago. I realized that after coming across a post I had written to you back at my 10th month.  My husband told me last night, he can see such a wide range of improvement over the last few months, that if he can see it - he was wondering couldn't I feel it.  So often we are caught up in the moment and need to stop and take a look behind to see where we once were to where we are and then look forward to where we will continue on to.

 

I have my sight on my one year August 30th 2012, then from there it is on to the next day - week - month - til life is flowing on and this is all a view in my rear view mirror.

 

If you are able to ride your horse free at at cantor or gallop with the wind in your face, take a ride for me - I so miss being able to do that. I haven't had a horse in years but can so remember the smell and feel and excitement and freedom of riding that way.  I hope to experience it again someday in my life time.

 

Enjoy your life PJ,

hugs,

Sally 

 

 

[[...]]

WOW! THIS IS AN AWESOME POST!!!!!!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR SHARING! SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

 

Thank you jennn,

 

The very best to you, now, and forever.

 

pj

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Thank you, Sally.  What a beautiful, heartfelt post.  Thank you so much for saying those kind words to me.  Although I have completely recovered, it concerns me more than ever when I see others suffering the way they do.  Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how a tiny, miniscule, harmless looking pill can possess the ingredients to turn someone's body into a chamber of horrors to rival those of medieval times.

 

To everyone who has completely healed, and posted your success story, I want to say to you: Congratulations, and thank you for sharing your stories that inspire others to not lose hope, and to keep on fighting the good fight, until they too, can write their success stories.

 

I know that it has been a long, painfully hard struggle for you, Sally, but, you are getting closer, and closer each and every day to becoming completely healed, and when you are, you can shout from the mountain top : "Watch out!, my name is Sally and I'm back...better, and stronger than ever!" 

 

Sally, this has been quite a journey for you, for me, and for everyone.  It has been a long journey...a journey that has taken us all down a winding, twisting, dark, and scary road that led us into the unknown.  But, because of our patience, our perseverance, and the compassionate, and caring people that we met along the way, when we reach the end of that winding, twisting, dark, and scary road...waiting for one and all, is complete recovery from a journey of pain, and confusion that we had not planned for, and were not at all prepared for.   

 

Good luck to you, my friend.

 

pj