An experience like no other

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gettingthere, thx fore ur kind post made me feel batter

[[ge...]]

Hoda,

I've been following your posts and you seem like a very good person. You will be back to yourself soon, best to you. 

[[re...]]

Hi hoda,

 

Like most folks, my healing was a very slow, gradual process.  For a long time I didn't have any windows, then a window would open and a symptom would be gone; then I would get a wave and that symptom, or a new one would appear.  This was  repeated many, many times until finally, one by one, the symptoms would leave and not return ... this was when I knew that I was completely recovered ... and yes, one day I woke up without any pain, without any anxiety or any fear, and everything in my life was normal again.  It felt kind of like the calm I would experience when waking from a bad dream, and realizing that the nightmare was over ... a serene, and peaceful feeling washed over me.

 

The best to you,

 

pj

 

PJ -

 

This is good stuff.  I need to hang onto accounts such as yours.  I was on Eszopiclone (Lunesta) for 9 weeks before starting a fast taper of 3 weeks that failed.  I reinstated, cut at a slower pace for a couple more weeks before I held for 8 weeks.  I then began a 5% reduction taper that will have taken me close to 6 months once it's all said and done.  My fear every now and then is that the rapid reduction in the beginning will come back to haunt me.  But, when I hear stories of those that cold turkey and heal completely, I am greatly encouraged.  The way you describe it makes it sound awesome.  Can you tell me............does the dp/dr really go away as well?  Thanks again for all your words of hope. 

[[tu...]]

Today is off for me.  I am feeling anxious and dizzy (pretty sure the dizziness is a result of the anxiety today).  I feel so discouraged and scared when things revert.  I am planning on going back to work after the holidays and this feeling makes me feel so fragile and uncertain.  Am I always going to be so easily put off kilter?  Will I ever be able to depend on my mind and body to do what they should and act normally under normal amounts of stress?  I hate feeling like an emotionally fragile person.  Even my vision is blurry again.  I know to expect this, but when it happens it always scares me.  Nothing even has occurred really to make me feel this way.  I did have two Starbucks decaf coffees over the course of the weekend.  Maybe they caught up to me.  Would love your perspective and encouragement.

 

Thanks,

TG

[[re...]]

Today is off for me.  I am feeling anxious and dizzy (pretty sure the dizziness is a result of the anxiety today).  I feel so discouraged and scared when things revert.  I am planning on going back to work after the holidays and this feeling makes me feel so fragile and uncertain.  Am I always going to be so easily put off kilter?  Will I ever be able to depend on my mind and body to do what they should and act normally under normal amounts of stress?  I hate feeling like an emotionally fragile person.  Even my vision is blurry again.  I know to expect this, but when it happens it always scares me.  Nothing even has occurred really to make me feel this way.  I did have two Starbucks decaf coffees over the course of the weekend.  Maybe they caught up to me.  Would love your perspective and encouragement.

 

Thanks,

TG

 

Hello Turtlegirl -

 

Sorry to hear that you have some symptoms back today.    I hope that they abate for you soon.  You're another Z drug person, I see.  Sounds like you've been at this for a while.  It sounds like you're in the back and forth that so many around here refer to during healing.  I wish I could say I was off the drugs completely, but I'm not.  I have yet to finish my taper off of Lunesta (8 weeks left), and then I have to taper the Mirtazapine.  I will have taken the Mirtazipine for about 10 months once I begin that taper.  I wish I had been like you and stopped taking it after a few days.  Oh well...........gotta look forward and soldier on.  I'll be in touch with you. 

 

Redeemed

[[...]]

Today is off for me.  I am feeling anxious and dizzy (pretty sure the dizziness is a result of the anxiety today).  I feel so discouraged and scared when things revert.  I am planning on going back to work after the holidays and this feeling makes me feel so fragile and uncertain.  Am I always going to be so easily put off kilter?  Will I ever be able to depend on my mind and body to do what they should and act normally under normal amounts of stress?  I hate feeling like an emotionally fragile person.  Even my vision is blurry again.  I know to expect this, but when it happens it always scares me.  Nothing even has occurred really to make me feel this way.  I did have two Starbucks decaf coffees over the course of the weekend.  Maybe they caught up to me.  Would love your perspective and encouragement.

 

Thanks,

TG

 

Hi turtlegirl,

 

I wish I could look into your eyes and assure you that all will be okay in your life ... because dear lady, it will.  You had a set back, and some of your symptoms have temporarily returned.  I understand how it is.  When we begin to feel better for an extended period of time, and believe that we are almost close enough to grab a hold of that light at the end of the tunnel, and then without a warning, we are thrust backwards a few feet towards the dark end of the tunnel ... you bet, we get real discouraged and down.  That is just the nature of benzos, and Z drugs such as Ambien, which in my opinion, are just as devistating, if not more so, than benzos. 

 

If you could have seen me with my red eyes, my twitching eyelids, and a face that showed the aftermath of not sleeping for 30 nights, and you could see me now ... without a shadow of a doubt, you would be convinced that you will indeed completely recover, and be living your life, just as I am, with a new found love and appreciation in your heart that knows no boundaries, and a calm peaceful spirit that will be your constant companion.

 

You take good care of yourself, and enjoy a cup or two of you favorite decaf.  No matter how I felt, I never gave up my one cup of morning coffee.  I would not let that benzo beast take everything from me, and don't you either.  I hope you have the best holidays ever.

 

pj 

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

Thanks once again for the kind reassurance.  Support from those healed is the best kind of validation for me these days.

 

So you drank coffee while healing?  It didn't rev things up for you?  I can never tell if it is the coffee (I am allowing myself 2-3 cups of decaf a week after abstaining completely for about 5 months) or just symptoms that would have popped up no matter what I ate or drank.

 

Did you work while you were healing?  How did you manage your symptoms if they popped up at work.  I have a HUGE fear of this as I was student teaching last fall when all of this craziness first hit (mainly with vertigo/dizziness and later panic attacks).  I barely (and not gracefully) managed to finish the semester and had to postpone (and have ultimately decided to not teach for many reasons unrelated to my symptoms with Ambien) my final semester of student teaching.  I felt so flaky.  I have never not finished something in all my life.  I was soooo not myself during that time.  I am embarassed when I see people I worked with during that time.  When I go back to work again I want to "rock it" and be my absolute best.  I really need a "win" so to speak to get my confidence back.  I am scared about weird symptoms popping up especially since starting a job can be anxiety provoking.  I don't trust my mind and body to behave properly yet.  I am trying to sort out the timing of when to get back to work.  Part of me is really ready.  I want to get back into life.  Have something of my own.  Interact daily with others.  Work hard.  Earn some money for my daughters that are about to start college . . . . contribute like a healthy adult person.  But, I want to know I am going to be able to function properly.

 

Did you have any of these issues?

[[...]]

Hi again, turtlegirl

 

I Absolutely drank coffee everyday.  The way I felt most of the time, I figured I couldn't feel any worse, no matter what I ate or drank ... except alcohol, which I never drink anymore.  You stated: " I can never tell if it is the coffee (I am allowing myself 2-3 cups of decaf a week after abstaining completely for about 5 months) or just symptoms that would have popped up no matter what I ate or drank."  I think you are probably right.  Symptoms are going to pop up, no matter what we do or do not do.  I would drink a strong cup of coffee in the morning, and never noticed any difference concerning withdrawals.  But that's just me, some folks may be highly sensitive to caffeine. 

 

For the first two months of withdrawals there was no way that I could have gone back to work.  I was reduced to a Zombie like state.  I went back to work at around three months.  I had symptoms for the first year back at work.  Keeping busy by interacting with other people, actually took my mind off of withdrawals, and I believe, helped me to recover faster. 

 

I think all those scenarios, regarding your returning to work, that are playing out in your mind ... will most likely never happen.  You are still healing, so your thoughts are being over-blown by the residual affects of the Ambien.  Believe me, when you are completely healed, you will not have those defeatist thoughts anymore. You will have your confidence back ... and you will "rock it"... because you are a winner.  Try not to be so hard on yourself. Before you know it, your adverse encounter with Ambien will be just a distant memory, stashed away in the far-off recesses of your mind.

 

Getting back into life again, is the best way to get your life back

[[tu...]]

Thanks so much PJ!

[[re...]]

Hi again, turtlegirl

 

I Absolutely drank coffee everyday.  The way I felt most of the time, I figured I couldn't feel any worse, no matter what I ate or drank ... except alcohol, which I never drink anymore.  You stated: " I can never tell if it is the coffee (I am allowing myself 2-3 cups of decaf a week after abstaining completely for about 5 months) or just symptoms that would have popped up no matter what I ate or drank."  I think you are probably right.  Symptoms are going to pop up, no matter what we do or do not do.  I would drink a strong cup of coffee in the morning, and never noticed any difference concerning withdrawals.  But that's just me, some folks may be highly sensitive to caffeine. 

 

For the first two months of withdrawals there was no way that I could have gone back to work.  I was reduced to a Zombie like state.  I went back to work at around three months.  I had symptoms for the first year back at work.  Keeping busy by interacting with other people, actually took my mind off of withdrawals, and I believe, helped me to recover faster. 

 

I think all those scenarios, regarding your returning to work, that are playing out in your mind ... will most likely never happen.  You are still healing, so your thoughts are being over-blown by the residual affects of the Ambien.  Believe me, when you are completely healed, you will not have those defeatist thoughts anymore. You will have your confidence back ... and you will "rock it"... because you are a winner.  Try not to be so hard on yourself. Before you know it, your adverse encounter with Ambien will be just a distant memory, stashed away in the far-off recesses of your mind.

 

Getting back into life again, is the best way to get your life back

 

PJ  -

 

This is the second time I have heard someone say that just getting busy with normal life again is the best thing you can do during recovery.  I never stopped working during the taper because I flat out did not have a choice.  I find it challenging to socialize with friends like I used to because I just don't feel like myself, and it almost creates this kind of shame feeling, mixed with social anxiety.  I have to push myself, and sometimes the anxiety wins and I will move towards isolation.  Thanks again for your time, as I always enjoy reading your stuff.  Have a good day. 

 

 

Redeemed

[[...]]

Hi hoda,

 

Like most folks, my healing was a very slow, gradual process.  For a long time I didn't have any windows, then a window would open and a symptom would be gone; then I would get a wave and that symptom, or a new one would appear.  This was  repeated many, many times until finally, one by one, the symptoms would leave and not return ... this was when I knew that I was completely recovered ... and yes, one day I woke up without any pain, without any anxiety or any fear, and everything in my life was normal again.  It felt kind of like the calm I would experience when waking from a bad dream, and realizing that the nightmare was over ... a serene, and peaceful feeling washed over me.

 

The best to you,

 

pj

 

PJ -

 

This is good stuff.  I need to hang onto accounts such as yours.  I was on Eszopiclone (Lunesta) for 9 weeks before starting a fast taper of 3 weeks that failed.  I reinstated, cut at a slower pace for a couple more weeks before I held for 8 weeks.  I then began a 5% reduction taper that will have taken me close to 6 months once it's all said and done.  My fear every now and then is that the rapid reduction in the beginning will come back to haunt me.  But, when I hear stories of those that cold turkey and heal completely, I am greatly encouraged.  The way you describe it makes it sound awesome.  Can you tell me............does the dp/dr really go away as well?  Thanks again for all your words of hope. 

Hi again, turtlegirl

 

I Absolutely drank coffee everyday.  The way I felt most of the time, I figured I couldn't feel any worse, no matter what I ate or drank ... except alcohol, which I never drink anymore.  You stated: " I can never tell if it is the coffee (I am allowing myself 2-3 cups of decaf a week after abstaining completely for about 5 months) or just symptoms that would have popped up no matter what I ate or drank."  I think you are probably right.  Symptoms are going to pop up, no matter what we do or do not do.  I would drink a strong cup of coffee in the morning, and never noticed any difference concerning withdrawals.  But that's just me, some folks may be highly sensitive to caffeine. 

 

For the first two months of withdrawals there was no way that I could have gone back to work.  I was reduced to a Zombie like state.  I went back to work at around three months.  I had symptoms for the first year back at work.  Keeping busy by interacting with other people, actually took my mind off of withdrawals, and I believe, helped me to recover faster. 

 

I think all those scenarios, regarding your returning to work, that are playing out in your mind ... will most likely never happen.  You are still healing, so your thoughts are being over-blown by the residual affects of the Ambien.  Believe me, when you are completely healed, you will not have those defeatist thoughts anymore. You will have your confidence back ... and you will "rock it"... because you are a winner.  Try not to be so hard on yourself. Before you know it, your adverse encounter with Ambien will be just a distant memory, stashed away in the far-off recesses of your mind.

 

Getting back into life again, is the best way to get your life back

 

PJ  -

 

This is the second time I have heard someone say that just getting busy with normal life again is the best thing you can do during recovery.  I never stopped working during the taper because I flat out did not have a choice.  I find it challenging to socialize with friends like I used to because I just don't feel like myself, and it almost creates this kind of shame feeling, mixed with social anxiety.  I have to push myself, and sometimes the anxiety wins and I will move towards isolation.  Thanks again for your time, as I always enjoy reading your stuff.  Have a good day. 

 

 

Redeemed

 

Hi Redeemed,

 

I never had the dp/dr as severe or as long as many others, but yes, it has gone away like everything else has.  I wouldn't overly concern yourself regarding your rapid reduction coming back to haunt you.  We all heal, albeit not in the same time-frame ... whether we micro-taper like a snail, fast taper like a rabbit or go cold turkey, dare I say it?.. I will speak for myself...like a darn fool.

 

Good luck, you are going to be okay, and thank you for your kind words.  You have a good attitude.  And yes, working is good.

[[...]]

Thanks so much PJ!

 

You're welcome

[[ge...]]

Hi PJ. I have been watching you respond to others and reading your posts always puts my mind at ease.

I have been off low dose K. for alittle over 2 months now. I am suffering with mild DR, intense brain fog, lack of memory and motivation... I am intensely irritable, as well. Luckily, my sleep was one of the first things to return. I did not sleep for a month, and then it has mostly returned, although it ebbs and flows. I feel like I am living in a bubble. It's still hard for me to accept that such a low dose taken sporadically could wreak such havoc.  I am not able to drive, work, or exercise which is awful for me, as I am usually such a do-er

 

I wanted to thank you for being so steadfast and returning to give others hope. You have beena huge comfort. thank you 

 

 

[[re...]]

Hi PJ. I have been watching you respond to others and reading your posts always puts my mind at ease.

I have been off low dose K. for alittle over 2 months now. I am suffering with mild DR, intense brain fog, lack of memory and motivation... I am intensely irritable, as well. Luckily, my sleep was one of the first things to return. I did not sleep for a month, and then it has mostly returned, although it ebbs and flows. I feel like I am living in a bubble. It's still hard for me to accept that such a low dose taken sporadically could wreak such havoc.  I am not able to drive, work, or exercise which is awful for me, as I am usually such a do-er

 

I wanted to thank you for being so steadfast and returning to give others hope. You have beena huge comfort. thank you 

 

Hi GettingThere -

 

I agree with you completely.  Reading PJ's posts is definitely comforting, and there are many people that stick around to give hope.  What a blessing!  I hope to one day be healed, and to be able to support others the way they do. 

 

Sorry to hear that you're having a rough go of it.    Wishing you a speedy recovery. 

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pj ineed help, ihave njasty anexity now and feel so tired like icant open my eyes feel like want sleep and dizzy ,thats happen after ihad drink of energy drink rock star ifeel so warm now and anexity and tired whats that?

[[...]]

Hoda, I don't know what to tell you.  There could have been something in that drink that caused you to have anxiety.  I don't know what it could be.  Just try to relax, it could be that that it wasn't caused by the drink, but you just happened to get a wave at the same time.  If you feel that it is serious, and not a symptom, maybe you should seek medical attention.

[[ge...]]

pj ineed help, ihave njasty anexity now and feel so tired like icant open my eyes feel like want sleep and dizzy ,thats happen after ihad drink of energy drink rock star ifeel so warm now and anexity and tired whats that?

 

Hoda, I would not drink energy drinks right now until you are clear of symptoms for a while. It could really make you feel bad.

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its have 80mg caffeine in it

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gettingthere

its double size energy drink iwas at work when i came home istart feel that

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caffeine could cause it hoda.  gettingthere is right, better stay away from energy drinks.  hope you feel better.

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iwas ok  so normal till idrink this , thx guys , iwill try to fight this night

[[...]]

Hi PJ. I have been watching you respond to others and reading your posts always puts my mind at ease.

I have been off low dose K. for alittle over 2 months now. I am suffering with mild DR, intense brain fog, lack of memory and motivation... I am intensely irritable, as well. Luckily, my sleep was one of the first things to return. I did not sleep for a month, and then it has mostly returned, although it ebbs and flows. I feel like I am living in a bubble. It's still hard for me to accept that such a low dose taken sporadically could wreak such havoc.  I am not able to drive, work, or exercise which is awful for me, as I am usually such a do-er

 

I wanted to thank you for being so steadfast and returning to give others hope. You have beena huge comfort. thank you 

 

 

 

Hi gettingthere,

 

Not sleeping for a month ... that had to be pretty tough.  Folks who led an active life before the benzos relegated them to becoming a couch potato find it extremely disheartening when they hardly have enough motivation to brush their teeth or tie their shoes.  Lack of motivtion hit me really hard.  Like you, I was a do-er.  My poor dog would drop his frisbee at my feet, give me that 'look' which I could not resist, so I would go outside and toss the frisbee to him until my muscles started to tighten up, and forced me back to just sitting on the couch again. 

 

I completely relate to, and totally understand with everything that you are going through, and how miserable and confused, and even how angry and irritable you must be.  I don't think any of us had a clue as to the magnitude of withdrawals, and the misery benzos could cause us.  The best thing you can do to preserve your sanity, is not to fight it.  Withdrawals are what they are.  They have a mind of their own.  We cannot wish them away or make them disappear any quicker.  What you can do ... is try to remain positive, take a walk in the sunshine if you are able to, laugh a little, smile a lot, and wait patiently for the day when you can shout to the world:  "I did it" ... "I didn't give up"... "I am healed!"  Often, It can happen much sooner than you think it will be.

 

I sincerely hope that you heal quickly, and can begin to do all the things that you have had to put on hold.  The very best to you, and thank you for your kind words.  You seem like such a nice, considerate person. 

 

edit spelling

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iwas ok  so normal till idrink this , thx guys , iwill try to fight this night

 

Good morning, hoda, I hope you are feeling better today.  No more energy drinks for you

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hi pj yea iam batter today thank god , iwill never drink that

[[re...]]

Hi Hoda -

 

I have been reading your posts from the last few days.  Sorry to hear that you hit a bump in the road.  I'm glad that it passed for you quickly, and that you're feeling better.  See you around. 

 

 

Redeemed