An experience like no other

[Guest [...]]

pj

 

thanks so much for sharing your wonderful story im glad you are healthy and healed.  I am nearly 5 months out from a horrid c/t of benzos and im just wondering although im feeling so much better does the memory of the horror fade at all.  Im still struggling with some ocd thoughts around the trauma of it all and im just asking you if its completely gone for you at all.

 

may your life continue to be blessed.

 

Lizzy

[[...]]

I must tell you, Lizzie...having read many of your posts...I really admire your common sense approach on issues, your tenacity, and your feisty, lovable attitude, along with the compassion that you have for others .  You are a real gem...a very special lady.

 

Yes, Lizzy, I believe those memories associated with withdrawals, do soften, and fade away...Mine pretty much have.  I don't think we ever totally forget our encounter with benzos, but, just like so many of our experiences in life, we don't dwell on them because we become so busy looking for, and finding things that make us happy, and give us a true inner peace.  All the strange intrusive thoughts, the feeling of being spaced out, and all my other symptoms that plagued me, are all gone...yours will be too.

 

The benzos, do indeed, throw everything but the kitchen sink at us, but, the human body, being the marvel that it is, does a marvelous job at repairing itself, and restoring us back to where we used to before that evil benzo entered our lives.

 

Thank you, Lizzy for your kind words.  Take good care of yourself.

 

pj

 

 

[Guest [...]]

hey pj

 

oh man your words are so much loved up right here today I appreciate all your compliments.  Guess what today my obsession has gone on to something else haha i just have completed a huge hike and am getting so fit right now and trying to keep focused and positive.  I dont know i woke up today and things just keep getting better and better i cant work it out but thank goodness in our brains ability to heal itself right.

 

thanks heaps for your kindness today and your words of peace are just so refreshing.  I have found things that make me happy its called shopping see i am getting better. 

 

thanks pj you are a gem of reassurance and thank goodness you are better.

 

Lizzy

[[...]]

Hey there, Lizzy

 

Way to go!  just keep right on a hikin' and a shoppin' to your hearts content.  It sounds like you are doing really great, good for you.

 

pj

[[mi...]]

Hey PJ,

I am sorry that I continue to ask questions but your great insight definitely helps.  Unfortunately, there aren't that many folks who have conquered this beast still hanging around who have this .  I certainly understand why and wish them the best.  I can't thank you enough for hanging around and helping us.  Thank you. 

 

How long after your taper were you able to work again?  Do you remember when your self-esteem, confidence and ability to make a decision came around?  This is unbelievable.  I am don't think I have really had any windows or waves, per se, it is more like I am slowly getting a little better.  I have one decent day, which by no means is a pre-benzo day, and the next I feel terrible. Most of it is psychological as opposed to physical (except a general feeling of being tense for no reason and of course horrible joint pains).  How much of what one feels during the healing process is impacted by life situations versus just the simple fact of being benzo imbalance related?  I can just be sitting around on the computer and start to feel bad.  I can't tell if it is a thought process that is causing the extra tension/anxiety or the plain fact that my GABA is still rebalancing.  Your thoughts?  By the way, I hate to memorialize these questions in your success story blog, so if you have another suggested place to post on the BB forum, let me know. 

 

Thanks again,

M

[[...]]

Hey PJ,

I am sorry that I continue to ask questions but your great insight definitely helps.  Unfortunately, there aren't that many folks who have conquered this beast still hanging around who have this .  I certainly understand why and wish them the best.  I can't thank you enough for hanging around and helping us.  Thank you. 

 

How long after your taper were you able to work again?  Do you remember when your self-esteem, confidence and ability to make a decision came around?  This is unbelievable.  I am don't think I have really had any windows or waves, per se, it is more like I am slowly getting a little better.  I have one decent day, which by no means is a pre-benzo day, and the next I feel terrible. Most of it is psychological as opposed to physical (except a general feeling of being tense for no reason and of course horrible joint pains).  How much of what one feels during the healing process is impacted by life situations versus just the simple fact of being benzo imbalance related?  I can just be sitting around on the computer and start to feel bad.  I can't tell if it is a thought process that is causing the extra tension/anxiety or the plain fact that my GABA is still rebalancing.  Your thoughts?  By the way, I hate to memorialize these questions in your success story blog, so if you have another suggested place to post on the BB forum, let me know. 

 

Thanks again,

M

It's okay to ask me as many questions as you want to...right here on this thread.  To be able to spend an hour on this site, helping someone, is much more rewarding than anything else I could be doing in my spare time.  After my cold turkey, I believe it was about three months before I returned to work.  Up until that time, I was more or less reduced to being a mind-numbed Zombie.  Going back to work was not easy, but I was blessed with having very understanding, compassionate, and extremely kind and decent human beings as my co-workers. 

 

The confidence, self-esteem, and the ability to make decisions, of which you speak, was a very gradual process for me...kind of like when one goes swimming in a lake where the water is very cold, and they walk in ever so slowly, allowing themselves to become acclimated to their environment before they feel comfortable enough to fully immerse themselves in that cold, unfamiliar water.  Going back to work was kind of like that for me.  I took baby steps until I was able to reach my full stride, and continue where I left off before benzo withdrawals clouded my life.

 

To have one decent day, followed by a terrible day or two...is just a natural occurance in life, whether in withdrawals or not.  Dealing with the pain, and confusion of withdrawals, naturally make our bad days that much worse, and hampers our ability to cope, and makes all the nuances that life tosses our way  that much harder to deal with.  You mentioned that you can be sitting at your computer, and out of the blue, you will start to feel bad.  Again that is another natural thing we all do.  Many things have happened to us in our lives, and to have the memory of them, pop up in our minds, to me, just show that you are a compassionate, feeling person.

 

I don't know if I was able to answer your questions.  When conversing with someone with a keyboard, and a mouse, it is often more difficult to convey our thoughts  as coherently as we would like to. 

 

"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

  Mahatma Gandhi

 

You're a good man, Mif, you will get through this.

 

pj

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

Thanks for taking the time to return here and answer questions and offer support.

 

I am almost 7 months off Ambien and while doing much better not 100% yet.  Your story gives me hope that one day (hopefully soon) I will posting my own success story and be helping others.

 

Thanks for lighting the way.

 

p.s. how is your sleep these days?

[[...]]

PJ:

 

Thanks for taking the time to return here and answer questions and offer support.

 

I am almost 7 months off Ambien and while doing much better not 100% yet.  Your story gives me hope that one day (hopefully soon) I will posting my own success story and be helping others.

 

Thanks for lighting the way.

 

p.s. how is your sleep these days?

 

Your welcome, turtlegirl

 

I remember responding to one of your very first posts...I believe it was on the insomnia board...you were new here and hurting something awful.  Look at you now.  I can tell that you are getting real close to writing your own success story.  My sleep is so much better now, thank you for asking.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

pj

[[mi...]]

Thank you PJ.  I appreciate all of your insight and support.  You did answer my questions.  My challenge is that when I feel bad, it is a feeling of fear/tension that I never felt pre-benzo.  I just don't feel right.  As if my GABA/body are still adjusting and healing.  I am writing it off as just rebalancing or hyperexcitability of the CNS as I have no other explanation.  Thanks again.  Very much appreciated. 

 

M 

[[...]]

Thank you PJ.  I appreciate all of your insight and support.  You did answer my questions.  My challenge is that when I feel bad, it is a feeling of fear/tension that I never felt pre-benzo.  I just don't feel right.  As if my GABA/body are still adjusting and healing.  I am writing it off as just rebalancing or hyperexcitability of the CNS as I have no other explanation.  Thanks again.  Very much appreciated. 

 

M 

 

I think you nailed it.  If you didn't have those feelings before benzos, you can be assured that they are indeed, benzo related, and like you said, you are still healing.

 

Take care.

 

pj

[[...]]

hii pj, how r u my friend, stopped to tell u whats going on with me this last days ,the 2 months ago was so normal like i told u and igot hit by wave and isart feel normal again 2 weeks and 2 dayes ago got stress from work so i start feel really dizzy cant even walk and  feel like weird feeling inside me like shaking inside me or idont know how explain it  iam not good at that but idid fel like so worry inside me shaking if i move ifeel like cold or shaking with my dizzy so iwent sleep and next day iwas still same feeling but little , and today ifeel every thing is bright specially the lights or the bright colors plus ihave the thought iwill be like that all my life and u know this crazy thoughts but iam fighting it iknow its not real, but ihave 2 questions fore u , first i toke the Xanax maybe 7 times different days and after that i toke the othe benzo around month , and now iam 8 months off is this w/d take all this time fore only 1 month toke this benzo ??, and after itoke it istart have rashes itching in my face really bad iwent to skin doctor give me more staff didnt work and always appear getting really red when ihave bad wave??

[[...]]

hii pj, how r u my friend, stopped to tell u whats going on with me this last days ,the 2 months ago was so normal like i told u and igot hit by wave and isart feel normal again 2 weeks and 2 dayes ago got stress from work so i start feel really dizzy cant even walk and  feel like weird feeling inside me like shaking inside me or idont know how explain it  iam not good at that but idid fel like so worry inside me shaking if i move ifeel like cold or shaking with my dizzy so iwent sleep and next day iwas still same feeling but little , and today ifeel every thing is bright specially the lights or the bright colors plus ihave the thought iwill be like that all my life and u know this crazy thoughts but iam fighting it iknow its not real, but ihave 2 questions fore u , first i toke the Xanax maybe 7 times different days and after that i toke the othe benzo around month , and now iam 8 months off is this w/d take all this time fore only 1 month toke this benzo ??, and after itoke it istart have rashes itching in my face really bad iwent to skin doctor give me more staff didnt work and always appear getting really red when ihave bad wave??

 

 

Hi hoda,

 

I'm sorry that you are still having all those crazy withdrawal symptoms.  A lot of people think that they will never get better, but they do... we all do...you will too.  Try not to get discouraged, hoda.  You didn't take benzos for very long, but it doesn't seem to matter if we took them for a a short time or for a long time...the withdrawals can be the same.  When we have a wave, many of our symptoms come back again.  My face would get red sometimes, and my skin would itch and get strange looking rashes...I really hated when that happened...but all my symptoms have gone away, and stayed away...just like yours will.  I know it's hard to deal with all those withdrawals month after month, but keep reminding yourself that one day they will all be gone, and you will finally feel good again.  You have many friends on this site who understand what you are going through.  You are not alone.

 

Good luck to you my friend.

 

pj           

 

 

[[...]]

hii pj, thx body ur really  good friend ur answers help alot ihave this questions on my wave and after i got ur answers u did help me to get this wave dawn iam sorry to keep asking but iknow u know what iam going throw but like u said even if this symptoms come back i feel alot batter than before, and iget more days good now its actually weeks . thx buddy

[[km...]]

PJ,

I was reading your blog and saw you went back to work.  Can I ask how hard it was for you and how long you struggled?  I'm 2 years off and have been working for 17 months and it never gets easier.  Some days are not as hard as others but NEVER have I been normal at work.  I have a very repetative boring job and wonder if that is the problem?  It pays well so I don't want to give it up but I can't work 40 hours a week in an anxiety state.  I'm just needing some advice on how you handled work.

Hugs

Kristin

[[...]]

hii pj, thx body ur really  good friend ur answers help alot ihave this questions on my wave and after i got ur answers u did help me to get this wave dawn iam sorry to keep asking but iknow u know what iam going throw but like u said even if this symptoms come back i feel alot batter than before, and iget more days good now its actually weeks . thx buddy

 

You're welcome.  You don't have to apologize for asking questions.  If I am able to, I am glad to answer them for you.

 

Take care.

[[...]]

PJ,

I was reading your blog and saw you went back to work.  Can I ask how hard it was for you and how long you struggled?  I'm 2 years off and have been working for 17 months and it never gets easier.  Some days are not as hard as others but NEVER have I been normal at work.  I have a very repetative boring job and wonder if that is the problem?  It pays well so I don't want to give it up but I can't work 40 hours a week in an anxiety state.  I'm just needing some advice on how you handled work.

Hugs

Kristin

 

Hi there Kristin,

 

I have read a few of your posts, and what is very clear to me is that you are a very kind, and sensitive person who deserves some happier, anxiety free days in your life.  I think you may be on to something when you say that your repetative job could be causing anxiety.

 

I went back to work about three months after my cold turkey, and didn't really start to feel comfortable until I was back for a few months.  It was a slow, gradual process.  The way I handled work was by just doing the best that I could, and not taking my job home with me.  It's really important to separate the two.  So your home life doesn't become as repetitive as your job, you owe it to yourself to do something a little different, and exciting everyday...something that pleases you...something that YOU want to do , not something that you HAVE to do.  It's amazing how devoting a half hour or so, just for ourselves, can lift our spirits, and ease our anxiety.

 

Take good care of yourself.  I hope things get better for you.

 

pj

 

     

[[mp...]]

Hi pj.

 

I am now back to working full time at 16 months out. It's no cake walk physically, but I do love learning new things, meeting new people, and conquering my left over fears.

 

Thank you for your continued support to all of us!

 

Love,

 

M. 

[[...]]

Hi pj.

 

I am now back to working full time at 16 months out. It's no cake walk physically, but I do love learning new things, meeting new people, and conquering my left over fears.

 

Thank you for your continued support to all of us!

 

Love,

 

M. 

 

Hi M,

 

I'm glad that you are able to work again, but I hope it's not too strenuous or too stressful for you.  Given your abundance of kindness towards others, your wonderful personality, and your communication skills, I would imagine that your co-workers are intrigued by you, just as the folks at BenzoBuddies are.

 

Take good care of yourself. 

 

pj

 

 

[[...]]

hii pj ,how r u my friend icame to check on u and say hi,me iam doing ok again ihave normal days it seems like iget like week wave and after that month good , iam waiting hope every thing will be good soon.

[[...]]

hii pj ,how r u my friend icame to check on u and say hi,me iam doing ok again ihave normal days it seems like iget like week wave and after that month good , iam waiting hope every thing will be good soon.

 

Hi hoda...I'm doing good, thanks for asking.  You are getting closer every day to being 100% better, way to go.  What is the weather like in Egypt this time of the year.  I've never been there, but I would sure like to see the pyramids some day, especially the Great Pyramid of King Khufu in Giza.

 

Take care buddy.

 

pj

[[...]]

hi pj,i promise u man soon u can go iwill go with you ,iwill make you sped the greatest holiday in ur life, yea the pyramids its really great thing they made there is  allot of history there,weather is kinda hot this days but not that bad .

[[sa...]]

Hi pj

I am a total lurker on your blog

Just wanted to let you know how uplifting your posts are.  You have given me so much hope during this journey.  You must be a very special person to offer so much support to those struggling!  Thank you

[[...]]

hi pj,i promise u man soon u can go iwill go with you ,iwill make you sped the greatest holiday in ur life, yea the pyramids its really great thing they made there is  allot of history there,weather is kinda hot this days but not that bad .

 

If I ever got the chance to see all the ancient history in Egypt, you would make a great guide, hoda.  But my life is just too busy right now with all my commitments at work.  But, thank you for the offer.  I'm sure it would be the best holiday I ever had.

 

pj

[[...]]

Hi pj

I am a total lurker on your blog

Just wanted to let you know how uplifting your posts are.  You have given me so much hope during this journey.  You must be a very special person to offer so much support to those struggling!  Thank you

 

Hi sarafina,

 

I am not that special, but thank you for thinking so, and thank you for your kind words.  Just like you, and everyone else on this fine site, I want to see everybody happy, pain free, and back to enjoying their lives again.  If we do not take ourselves too seriously...even as difficult as it can be sometimes... life, with all it's ups and downs, it's challenges, and it's way of knocking us down when we least expect it..can be a mysterious, wonderful adventure.  The miracle of a newborn baby, the beauty of the changing seasons, walking barefoot in the grass, and someone to love...fill our hearts with a joy that is beyond description.  I recall reading a post a couple of months ago, perhaps it was longer than that, where you mentioned you were experiencing abdominal pain.  Has it gotten better?

 

Take good care of yourself.  I'll be looking forward to reading your success story.

 

pj

 

 

[[sa...]]

Thank you PJ.

My abdominal pain is not gone but definitely better and not as bothersome.  I know I am healing!

 

I told my husband the other day that my mental symptoms are so much better.  It is as if I can feel in Colors.  My emotions feel pure and authentic and beautiful. I do not even mind when I am sad because it is such a pure and natural emotion.  I no longer have the benzo induced chemical emotions and I laugh with my children once again!  No more faking happiness or putting on my game face.  Yippee. I can feel again!

 

I too pray for healing for all victimized by these meds.

 

Thanks again for your support.  Is that your horse in your avatar?