Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[We...]]

eastcoast - you ARE a good person.  No doubt about it.  And how many people did you help during your nursing career!  I think we are sensitive souls, which is maybe what got us here in the first place.  It's a tough world.

 

Ha!!  Boobs on a stick!!  Too funny!! 

[[de...]]

Oh, Welchie, thank you. 

 

After I made my last post I wandered around thinking, "I am wanker", can't write, can't paint, can't do nuffin'  . I.AM.WANKER!   

 

But that's changing now....thanks to this process, and the good people here on BB.  You have all helped me so much, each one of you kind, sensitive and giving.  Generous. 

 

This thread holds such good people and I see same throughout the entire site.  People trying to help each other.  A helping hand where no other exists.  We will all be triumphant, this I know. 

 

With memories returning recalled my brother describing me as "the scum excreted from the bowels of society".  He used say it often, my parents never intervening.  No wonder I'm a fruitcake and took Valium.  Took it too after developing Serotonin Syndrome, and it just kicked on.  No more.  I hate this stuff and no-one will treat me that way again. 

 

I think you are all delightful and ever so strong.  You help keep me going as I hope I do for you.  💪🏿

 

How are you going with the Ambien 19?  I think this process can truly produce PTSD, it is so debilitating, scary, sometimes terrifying.  Let's hope when we are healed it will be no more.  Peace. 

 

I hope to see you all around the other threads where we can share the map with others.  No one should be alone with this, no-one. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Ps...]]

I’m headed to my stylist in a couple of weeks to figure out how to cut my hair to cover my bald temples. It’s gotten worse in the last 2.5 weeks and it was already bad. I’m going to have to have bangs that come from the crown of my head, I think. 

[[de...]]

Oh Psalm, that is so funny.  Not really, but we have to laugh, hey? 

 

Yours won't be a "comb over", it'll be a "comb down". 

 

Actually, my own hair dresser is balding at the front of her head, and she said she couldn't care less.  Bald and proud. 

 

Dee

[[Ps...]]

 

I will make “The Comb Down” happen!!!

[[We...]]

I don't know guys.  I'm still considering the matching 'ring haircut' with hubby.  Or maybe just buzz this bad boy  :  )

 

deadwood - that is outrageous about your family.  I don't know you in 'real life' but I can tell you are the best!!.  I grew up with self-esteem ripped to shreds too and totally understand where you're coming from.  This trip with Klon is definitely teaching me to have some self compassion and respect for my strength. 

 

That post of yours was way too funny about 'how long have you gone without showering' !!!

 

Hope you all have a manageable day.

[[ea...]]

Oh cool!! A hair discussion. I have naturally curley very dark brown hair. A couyple years ago I decided to just let it go natural. I weas dying it a dark red which looked great but the maintenece was a PIA. So I spent three years growing it out, but did not like the results. NOT white enough so I began coloring it again. Okay. Two months ago I decided to hell with this crap. I am almost 70 now, and should look my age. I am not fooling anyone now. LOL! I NEVER get carded now. Two weeks ago I got my hair cut fairly short. Its obvious that the front and top of my head will be a nice silvery color but the back is still dark. I plan to get it cut even shorter soon, because I want to go natural once and for all. Silver hair is fashionable now.

I told the hair lady to go as short as possible without maki8ng me look like I am a boy. Now I see she didn't cut it short enough! If I end up bald, well, hellsbells, I will wear a hat every day. LOL! The stuff we women go through for how we look.

east

[[We...]]

GUYS!  Wait a minute!!! - if we all go bald, what do we put on our licenses for hair color?  Ever think of THAT???

 

OK.  Going to chill out in the recliner and maybe do some 'improve cognitive function' exercises - like put M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

Another day - another step up and out of the rabbit hole.  Stay strong.

 

PS deadwood - I actually took a shower today and washed all three hairs.  And why oh why does every hair

I lose on my head end up on my chin. 

And...YOU.ARE.NOT.WANKERS!!!  : )

[[de...]]

Fair dinkum, you girls/women are so funny have not stopped  laughing since I arrived home from psychologist.  You did me more good than she did, and that's for sure.   

 

Each and every one of you is a crack up.  :laugh:   And it's so good to laugh. 

 

Update on stick with breasts:  After seeing the psychologist went to the supermarket.  I had to use automatic doors and THEY WOULDN'T OPEN because I didn't have the weight behind me.  Aarrgghh!

 

A woman of 'normal' weight had to come along for them to open, and even she started laughing. 

 

I tipped my hat in thanks. 

 

It's hard to believe that I am laughing.  So grateful to you all. 

 

Dee

 

 

[[We...]]

deadwood - so glad you're laughing girlfriend.  You get me LOL here and on other threads too!  I love this thread.  It helps me remember how to have a bit of fun again.  And everyone has shared such big pieces of their hearts and souls, it's incredibly moving.  You and everyone else here are such sweeties.  I was so scared and so freaking out when I first started it.

 

I'm noticing more and more windows over the last couple weeks, and the waves are getting easier to deal with - I swear it's because I'm able to laugh a bit more here and because of all the  from you guys - hearing your deeper, real feelings - the good/bad/painful/funny/crying mix of it all. 

 

mountaintop - haven't heard from you in a while.  Hope you're doing alright with your hold.  Hope you are busy loving your babies, seeking beauty inside and out, standing strong with your 24k heart.

 

 

 

[[up...]]

Wow...all you ladies are wonderful and supportive. Here’s one for low self esteem...I’m always worried I’m bothering someone in the thread if I post.

 

The hair loss obviously hits us hard when we don’t have a lot to start with. I also cut my hair shorter because I’ve lost so much! Thank you all for the laughter! I’ve been down about this all.

[[mo...]]

Welchie! I have been working and resting I made a 3% cut over the last few days on a whim its amazing how crappy I felt from just 3%! Lol Woke last night around 4 with my heart racing. Better today just sluggish. What made me step down a bit was reading the insomnia threads why would I do that to myself? I think the scary threads about insomnia give me insomnia. I figured I need this poison out sooner than later the longer I wait the less likely I will sleep naturally I think. Starting the 100 day micro again next weekend since symptoms seemed manageable before I stepped. Cross your fingers toes eyeballs please. Alohabetizing M and Ms's hilarious!!! That's funny you say that I was on a boring walk yesterday and started spelling words backwards as an exercise I'm sure there are many more. This stuff won't take my cognition without a fight!

 

Deadwood that is just too funny about the doors I didn't know they were triggered by weight! Meanwhile I'm trying to keep myself from really exploding into a big blob. Another poster said she gained over 20 pounds and no matter what couldn't keep it off- hopefully that's not me but I'm getting off this stuff one way or another even if I turn into the 500 pound women. I swear this stuff does something to our muscle mass because I've been this weight before and my clothes didn't fit this tight. So strange. Im quite vain so I worried for a few days about the gain but you now I'm accepting of it. As long as overall I am healthy and I can do 3rd grade math  again one day. My daughter would appreciate that.

 

Everyone on  this thread is hilarious. I so look forward to checking your posts. Pure gold you all are. That's my Yoda voice.

[[We...]]

Hey Rabbit!! Really glad to hear from you!!  I'm going to laugh out loud about the posting and self-esteem thing because I see myself in your comment.  I always love your posts wherever I see them.  Glad you're laughing too.  Makes the boogey man less scary when we can laugh in his face and maybe even flip him the bird.

 

And you just step right up to THIS thread any damn time you damn please about any damn thing you want to talk about. 

 

I was reading chinchuck's thread this morning with tears in my eyes and my heart welling up.  Lots of raw and 'hit-home' posts about how deep the wounds really run, about self-compassion, about self-esteem, about our true inner strength.  So many people here are such extra special souls.  And we are all, every one of us, already a success story.

 

At least you're brave enough to go to the hairdresser.  I've been trying to cut my own - OH NOOO!!! - you want to talk about making a bad situation really, really, like REALLY worse???  Wish I could send pictures!!!  Yikes!!  : )

[[We...]]

moutaintop!  There you are!!  Nice you recovered somewhat from the 3%.  You go girl.

 

I totally hear you about the insomnia.  Every time I read one that says they haven't slept since Kennedy was president I sort of gasp and get off the thread.  I tend to avoid those threads cuz like you, worrying about insomnia gives me insomnia.

 

I've been pushing my taper a bit too.  Want this poison gone!  And I'll feel the cut for a couple of days, then notice an improvement pretty quickly. 

 

Third grade math!!  My hero!!  Caught myself reaching for the calculator to subtract $100 from checking.

[[de...]]

Oh jeez, I just wrote a long response and it got zapped and my window nearly broke.  I'll be back with a smile.  You girls/women make me so happy.

 

Welcome Rabbit to this thread.  It so helps to laugh. 

 

I get what you mean with the esteem bit.  If someone runs over my foot with their trolley in the supermarket I apologise to them for being in the way.  No more my sisters.  This has been too hard to take any shit from anyone anymore.  We have a voice now hey, chipmunk?

 

Alphabetical M&M's has had me laughing for days.  As has, since Kennedy was president, and deduct  $100. 

 

Alphabetical M&M's far better than those dry quizzes because you get to eat the question paper. 

 

I didn't think those doors used weight either mountaintop but they really wouldn't open, yet when the 'normal' weight woman came along, hey, presto.  Maybe I've disappeared and even electronics can't detect me.   

 

Try not be down about it all Rabbit. 

 

This is the upthread where we can laugh in the face of the impertinence of these terrible drugs and what they have done to us. 

 

And besides, your hair will grow back.  There is far less hair left in my brush now.  I'm just skinny Minnie or as east says, a stick with breasts. 

 

My love to you all. 

 

Dee

[[de...]]

More power to you mountaintop with 3% cut hope you are still travelling well.

 

I know what you mean about wanting off, fast.  I have been holding on 1.25mgs v for about 2 months and am in a window, stabilising. 

 

I intend to hold for another 2 weeks then cut to 1mg.  I and hope it goes OK.  Is .25 too big of a cut at this low dose?  Idk, just got to try.  I want off bad. 

 

Dee x

 

 

[[St...]]

Hey y’all, thought I’d chime in about hair loss. My weight was scary low for a long time and now I can’t stop eating, so I’ve got that going for me😜.  My weight is normal now, probably for like 5 minutes and then I’ll pass into the “chubby” category. Whatever.

  I don’t see my hair fall out, ever, not even when I brush it. But when I look in the mirror every morning, my hairline has moved. It is bald around my face!!😳😳 Ugghhh. I keep combing my hair different directions to minimize it.

  Any ideas when it grows back? When this is ALL over or before that? This sucks.

[[mo...]]

More power to you mountaintop with 3% cut hope you are still travelling well.

 

I know what you mean about wanting off, fast.  I have been holding on 1.25mgs v for about 2 months and am in a window, stabilising. 

 

I intend to hold for another 2 weeks then cut to 1mg.  I and hope it goes OK.  Is .25 too big of a cut at this low dose?  Idk, just got to try.  I want off bad. 

 

Dee x

 

Thanks so much deadwood I am hanging in there had some heart palps and some broken sleep but caught up on rest this weekend. I’ve resigned myself to just walking no intense exercise as anything else keeps me awake even if I go in the AM. But now listening to books online while I walk not too bad I am an impatient person never had the time to walk! Ha Life has other plans. I am debating if I should cut another 3% in a day or two that would take me to .099 I think! The symptoms seem ok today so why not. I’m so ready to be done! Oh my sense of smell is strooong I can’t use my usual air freshener it smells like a entire garden of flowers held up to my face! No one else smells it so strongly too funny.

 

Deadwood I don’t know if .25 is a lot? What have you done in the past? Go with your gut and if it is too much then you can always updose? That’s always my security blanket I haven’t updosed yet but never say never! You are doing great taking the slow route it’s the safest way.

[[We...]]

Another day in paradise you guys. 

 

Good luck with your dose reduction deadwood, glad you're enjoying feeling OK.  And mountaintop - you feeling alright after down dosing?  Things coming around?  I'm feeling the effects of another recent dose cut.  But weight is up 2 whole pounds and no hair fall this time!!!

 

I think I said earlier...at least we're not getting shorter.  But one never knows.  We may wake up one day 3' tall and say hoya!!

These benzos really are one hell of a trip!!  (Something new to worry about when I lay my weary buzzing head down.)

 

StTheresa  It does suck.  But it's all good cuz we're getting better.  We are getting better.  Every day.  Actually, my hair loss mostly stopped, now just dry and wiry.  And someone might mistake me for Einstien .  We're beginning to look like soul sisters.  Except he has a brain.  Me...if brains were taxed I'd get a rebate this year.  I think I'm following the same pattern as you - Couldn't eat for a long time..weight loss...then eating ok....still weight loss.  I seem to be stabilizing at a low point.  Was really scared it would get really freaky out of control.

 

I've been eating healthy organic stuff for months, telling myself the weight will come back (and I'm at an age where I really need all the preservatives I can get).  Longing for just one pizza. One Klondike bar.

 

deadwood - I'm still cracking up picturing you not being able to get that door open.  You little muchacha.

 

Another day on the Freedom Trail everybody.  Love Ya

 

 

[[de...]]

I just tried to post a lengthy reply and it got zapped.  I wanted to rip my hair out but don't want to create loss deliberately.  I'll go burn an effigy of my head instead. 

 

My window has closed, probable result of the hard work I did in the garden yesterday.  So disappointing, but know that it is par for the course.  If it hadn't been for BB I would not have known this and thought instead I was sick, dying, idk. 

 

I'm still keeping the faith because yesterday's window demonstrates to me that healing is taking place even in a most peculiar way. 

 

Really tired and can't reproduce my lost post....just wanted to connect with sweet sisters. 

 

Tomorrow is another day. 

 

Dee

[[We...]]

Dee - So sorry your window closed.  You sounded so good and I was so freaking happy for you.  You're right though, it means there will be many more open windows to come.  A whole house full of open windows - with the sun shining bright and fresh air everywhere.  And now you're tough enough to ride another wave.  Hopefully a smaller one.

 

About gardening - I forgot your seasons are exact opposite of New England.  It was 8 degrees F this morning.  Brrrr.  Not a good combo with the whacky cold intolerance I have.  Under the electric throw I go, with heat turned up to 75.

 

Responses getting zapped happens to me too : (  Arrrgh. 

 

Mountaintop - My fingers, toes and eyes all crossed for you!  A 3% cut can slap a person silly.  You sound like your holding your own, bumping along the  highway to freedom.  I'm pushing the envelop a little too.  I'm having crazy delusions about jumping in ten days.  So if you don't hear from me, I'll have  "Gone Crazy - Be Back Soon".    I'm saying this here because I know you guys are way to smart to listen to anything I say and I won't influence.

 

Hope everyone else is doing OK....Rabbit - StTeresa.  Keep us posted.

 

I looked in the mirror tonight to wash up and said...Geez, the face is kind of familiar...but can't quite remember the name.

 

[[de...]]

Welchie how well can I relate to the looking quizzically into the mirror.  Sometimes my face looks really unfamiliar.  Foreign to me.  Maybe I'm looking at myself for the first time with removal of the benzo's and the booze? 

 

I am 70 years of age and my hair is silver got so tired of colouring my hair and just gave way to nature, its better, hate all those chemicals and didn't want to finish up as one of those 90 year old women with jet black hair.  Aarrgghh!

 

For a while there I was cultivating the Einstein look 'cause thought it might look OK.  but figured there was only one Albert, so ditched that plan.  I seriously do like the look though.  I've just let it grow and stick it on top my head with one of those clip/claw things.  This process can have you with the Einstein look against your will.  I am relative to Einstein, he is my cousin. 

 

Gone were my curls and was having to vacuum hair from the carpet.  Even took a bag of hair to the doctor exclaiming WTF!  He's bald, and said, "well, you've got more than me". 

 

What does that prove I thought, you've got male pattern baldness and I've got unexplainable hair loss from usually thick healthy hair.  I staggered out of his surgery one more time. 

 

Yes, I feel most unwell today but hope for improvement tomorrow.  I am going to make that .25 cut very soon mountaintop and will follow my gut, but I don't have one.    Maybe follow my benzo belly which looks like a pea on a stick with breasts.   

 

I hope you are doing well after your 3%.  It still staggers me that this is real.  Why me?  Why us? Why not me?  Luck of the draw.  ♠️

 

I don't really trust my benzo belly but will still proceed and make the cut.  This has got to change. 

 

I'm not very positive today feel down as result of window closing in my face.  Intrusive thoughts, OCD, nausea, anxiety, depression, tinnitus. 

 

Only ever had anxiety and some depression previously.  Seems like my poor little 70 year old CNS is trying to recalibrate and it's having a hard time.  Onwards.  I will not be defeated.  💪🏿

 

On a more positive note, I have found a deep determination within that will see me make this thing through.  And has been through your support, humour, and compassion BB sisters that has made it so. 

 

I know you understand.

 

I'm all over the shop, forgive me.

 

*  Bloody 3rd Grade maths.  That was funny.  I luv ewes all.

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[mo...]]

Sorry to hear also Dee. That’s great you’re being active maybe your symptoms just got revved up and you’ll feel better tomorrow? Either way the window is definitely encouraging for sure. When this is over life will be a big window imagine that.

 

I’ve been so tired the last few days but otherwise not horrible. I feel like maybe I’ve hit a stride or turning point of some sort where I know symptoms will come but I’m almost used to them. But don’t want to feel surefooted there is quicksand throughout this journey. I feel like the old me is gone I’ve been torn to peaces and started again. I feel more generous and full of care for others than ever before. All of my pretense has fallen away and I’ve learned to love myself and care for my wellbeing and my space more than ever. Maybe I can’t add two plus two or crack a joke like before but I’m bumpung along the road like Welchie says. I guess that’s why I have more love in my heart for others now, because I love myself more.

 

So Welchie did your team win tonight then? They seem to make finals every year, darn Patriots! Ha

[[mo...]]

Welchie how well can I relate to the looking quizzically into the mirror.  Sometimes my face looks really unfamiliar.  Foreign to me.  Maybe I'm looking at myself for the first time with removal of the benzo's and the booze? 

 

I am 70 years of age and my hair is silver got so tired of colouring my hair and just gave way to nature, its better, hate all those chemicals and didn't want to finish up as one of those 90 year old women with jet black hair.  Aarrgghh!

 

For a while there I was cultivating the Einstein look 'cause thought it might look OK.  but figured there was only one Albert, so ditched that plan.  I seriously do like the look though.  I've just let it grow and stick it on top my head with one of those clip/claw things.  This process can have you with the Einstein look against your will.  I am relative to Einstein, he is my cousin. 

 

Gone were my curls and was having to vacuum hair from the carpet.  Even took a bag of hair to the doctor exclaiming WTF!  He's bald, and said, "well, you've got more than me". 

 

What does that prove I thought, you've got male pattern baldness and I've got unexplainable hair loss from usually thick healthy hair.  I staggered out of his surgery one more time. 

 

Yes, I feel most unwell today but hope for improvement tomorrow.  I am going to make that .25 cut very soon mountaintop and will follow my gut, but I don't have one.    Maybe follow my benzo belly which looks like a pea on a stick with breasts.   

 

I hope you are doing well after your 3%.  It still staggers me that this is real.  Why me?  Why us? Why not me?  Luck of the draw.  ♠️

 

I don't really trust my benzo belly but will still proceed and make the cut.  This has got to change. 

 

I'm not very positive today feel down as result of window closing in my face.  Intrusive thoughts, OCD, nausea, anxiety, depression, tinnitus. 

 

Only ever had anxiety and some depression previously.  Seems like my poor little 70 year old CNS is trying to recalibrate and it's having a hard time.  Onwards.  I will not be defeated.  💪🏿

 

On a more positive note, I have found a deep determination within that will see me make this thing through.  And has been through your support, humour, and compassion BB sisters that has made it so. 

 

I know you understand.

 

I'm all over the shop, forgive me.

 

*  Bloody 3rd Grade maths.  That was funny.  I luv ewes all.

 

Dee

 

Our posts crossed. I so understand Dee, this can definitely get you down for sure. I was in a deep depression I think I mentioned a week or so ago. Still probably depressed but I’m not as low as I was. Too funny about Einstein that is great kin to have! And I do this all the time- looking in the mirror trying to figure out what I’m looking at. I had dark circles yesrday those are new. Never been the dark circle type but there they are. God I pray I get through with any of my beauty left I still need to convince someone to marry me.  With my depression mood swings 50 symptoms balding and fat but hey anything is possible! I was binge watching a tv series I already seen it was like a comfy blanket then my friend talked me into Game of Thrones so not the series for faint of heart. The scene with Vicerous happened and I thought I might be sick! Probably need a few days off from GOT I need to stick to milder viewing. 

[[mo...]]

I meant to say I understand too about asking why me? This is all so bizarre this horrid illness we can’t really share with the world. I wonder statistically how many people develop a dependence is the data out there? If someone took klon the same amount of time as me and same dose what are the chances the result would be the same? Is there something about my makeup? But yeah luck of the draw. These questions run through my head all of the time.