Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

[[de...]]

Still have lots of symptoms but my falling, brittle, dry hair is now improving.  My curls are coming back. 

 

Only weigh 42kgs, 5ft 2in.  Am making myself eat whereas previously could not eat and all foods tasted like cardboard. 

 

Dee

[[We...]]

Hey deadwoodgone  - so 42kgs is about 92-93 pounds?  What was your usual weight?  The Benzos affect the thyroid too.  Really glad to hear your hair is improving.  Yeah, it didn't just fall, it got very dry and brittle.  I can see a little life coming back to mine.  We're getting there, right?  I'm at the same place with appetite - at least we're eating now.  Another step in the right direction.

 

The alternative doc I'm working with said minerals in general help the thyroid and to not supplement with iodine.  This doc is someone I'm seeing besides my pc who is pretty useless.  This guy is more alternative than most alternative docs.  But he's actually a real MD who at some point in his practice realized the medical system, as such, just doesn't work and focuses on lifestyle, nutrition and other things like blood ozone treatments.  But because he's a real MD too, he's very grounded.

 

Glad to hear your curls are coming back!

 

 

 

[[mo...]]

mountaintop - at least you're still eating, I hope.  True, never know what lovely surprises each day can bring.  The ear thing is a trip too.  The tinnitus is ever there, but there's a sort of weird fullness, like it's blocked sometimes.  Private Benjamin is definitely a worthwhile flick.  And something only Goldie could pull off well.  It's really about empowerment, which we could all use a little of these days.

 

I bought a jeweler's scale finally, should be here tomorrow.  Maybe someone smarter than me (which includes the majority of the world's population) can help out if I get stuck?  (Hint hint).  You know, I can sketch somebody's damn portrait in 20 minutes and mix a color for painting blindfolded, but can't handle much in the way of mechanical.  Still floundering trying to figure out some parts of this website.

 

BTW Did any of you read the post by parker (originally 10/3/12)?  It's called 'what's happening in your brain'.  Definitely a worthwhile read.  There's a link to it from a more recent post...title 'I was wrong! It's not past WD'  It helped me see for sure that symptoms are the brain healing itself and not to be feared.

 

Hey Welchie! I've been offline a few days. Glad you got the scale it's a huge help in the lower doses. I was nervous too but it's not too bad. I got the gem20 and it's pretty accurate but it makes me nervous sometimes with the variations I have to turn it off and on and weigh a few times ugh. But it's working as I'm holding. YES I love the thread "what's happening in your brain" it was a huge help when I started my taper and it's an important perspective to have. I like to know what is happening when I get symptoms and what causes them. I need to research what causes tinnitus I think that will help. I probably should have done that at onset maybe I could have somehow done something to reduce it in some way. If I find out anything to help I'll let you know. I've been down in the dumps too but moreso anxiety so looking into antidepressants I really don't want to take anything but this can't be good for my adrenals or my hair. Eek.

 

Your alternative doc sounds amazing! Love that he chose to go a different path the traditional medicine industry is detrimental to society. In my opinion.

[[We...]]

mountaintop - Scale definitely helpful.  Same thing happens with mine - off/on/weigh a few times.  Messed with it for hours yesterday and incredibly helpful at this stage.  Having it makes me feel safe, a little empowered.  The Master Of My Destiny.  Ha!! That's a laugh.  I'm just along for the ride right now.

 

Dude, you seriously considering antidepressants?  Sorry to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong and you may get p...ssed with me for even asking that question.  Just please be careful, consider it carefully.  You sound like you're doing pretty good overall though I've said before...if we talked about what was right with us, might be the word's shortest conversation.  Crickets.  Lot's of loud crickets.  It's all gonna heal.  Hair, weight, rollercoaster emotions.   

 

I noticed that since the intense "going out of my mind anxiety attacks" have been waning these last several weeks, a sort of exhausted despondency has set in.  Which in a perverse way feels much better than the anxiety.  Like an upgrade from sh..t sandwich to a cheap frozen hamburger.  I'm sure our entire endocrine system is a wee bit stressed and you are so frigging close. 

 

Yeah.  Doc is way cool.  One of my angels.

     

[[mo...]]

mountaintop - Scale definitely helpful.  Same thing happens with mine - off/on/weigh a few times.  Messed with it for hours yesterday and incredibly helpful at this stage.  Having it makes me feel safe, a little empowered.  The Master Of My Destiny.  Ha!! That's a laugh.  I'm just along for the ride right now.

 

Dude, you seriously considering antidepressants?  Sorry to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong and you may get p...ssed with me for even asking that question.  Just please be careful, consider it carefully.  You sound like you're doing pretty good overall though I've said before...if we talked about what was right with us, might be the word's shortest conversation.  Crickets.  Lot's of loud crickets.  It's all gonna heal.  Hair, weight, rollercoaster emotions.   

 

I noticed that since the intense "going out of my mind anxiety attacks" have been waning these last several weeks, a sort of exhausted despondency has set in.  Which in a perverse way feels much better than the anxiety.  Like an upgrade from sh..t sandwich to a cheap frozen hamburger.  I'm sure our entire endocrine system is a wee bit stressed and you are so frigging close. 

 

Yeah.  Doc is way cool.  One of my angels.

   

 

Thank you Welchie for the question not p...ssed at all. I am not taking this lightly. I'm so committed to doing this naturally I really am. I want my body to heal and don't want anything else in my system that will negate any of my efforts. But honestly the last few days have been so hard and I really don't have any supports but a few friends who don't get it. If I go off my rocker- and a few times this weekend the anxiety got so bad I thought I might- then there's no one to take care of me or my kids. I feel like there's only so much anxiety my brain can sustain and at any moment I could be sitting in a corner talking to myself  or something. It's not good. I know ive read if you feel like you're going crazy then you're not but I also know other psychiatric disorders start with extreme depression and I definitely have it. I'm not sure which will be worse for me going without an antidepressant or taking one but I might need to try. I have this strange feeling as if I don't have a solid understanding of how I'm being perceived and I feel paranoid I am not myself and can't pick up on social cues totally. I'm not sure what that is called or if it has name. I know I'm so close but am I really? I've been taking this for 4 years now I don't know how much of a hold this has on me and cutting 10% at a time may take forever. I feel like crying all of the time. Just trying to hold it together for work and the kids.

[[de...]]

Hi Welchie 

 

Yes, 42kgs is approx 93lbs.  I'm so skinny I've got to move around in the shower for the water to hit my body.    At least I'm showering now. 

 

I have always been thin and weighed about 48kgs, but cannot afford to lose anymore.  Loss of muscle mass too, and even though thin used have really good upper body strength. 

 

Happy to report that my appetite has just began to return after major, but very cathartic meltdown of a few days ago.  Am now planning to make further cut from 1.25 v.  Sounds pathetic I know, but what would be considered as small cut by medical profession really effect me. 

 

I'm actually sitting up as I type this, usually ensconced on couch, or flat on stomach in bed.  I have to force myself to go to shops to bring in rations.  Made a vat of spaghetti bol yesterday, which should last me for a while.  Haven't been able to do that for ages.  Pack on the carbs.   

 

I had the change in taste and smell too.  Long gone.  Whenever I ate meat it smelled completely rotten.  Tossed out so much good food with ample "use by date". 

 

I am beginning to see change occurring Welchie and find it hard to believe.  Still anxiety and fear, but definite change is happening.  My startle response is that of a gnat and jump at the sound of a pin drop.  Tinnitus, still. 

 

But, I did the dishes.   

 

Yours in great affection curly top Dee.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

Hey curly top.  LOL about running through the shower to get wet!  I had trouble even getting into the shower for a long time too.  But my heightened sense of smell...you know...like, ok girl, gotta fumigate.

 

Awesome that your seeing changes.  Believe it!!  It happens!!!  I remember them when I hit the wall again.  Meltdowns can be cathartic for sure.  I've noticed that too.  I seem to have a better day after a meltdown.  My poor husband.  He's a looonngg suffering bastard.  But he get's it.

 

I remember the days when all I could do was lay in bed shaking, or lay in the recliner shaking.  One day it got so bad I sat in a corner on my very dirty kitchen floor just rocking, shaking, crying.  Phew!  As challenging as it still is...was a lot worse.

 

Your cut is not pathetic curly top.  Not at all.  Every little step counts.  Great affection back at ya.  I love it when people share their victories, big and small.

[[de...]]

Welchie  ❤️️❤️️❤️️

 

Dee x

[[We...]]

mountaintop -  Glad you're not pissed...I was sweating it.  It's hard getting slammed days on end.  Sometimes it seems like it's the length of this road that is the most wearing, more than the symptoms du jour.  Actually, you sound very articulate about what you are perceiving and feeling, not crazy at all.  The way you are holding it together for the kids shows how strong you really are.  Didn't know you had kids.  I don't know if I would be able to do what you are doing.  Perhaps crying is a good sign of healing??  The Benzos numb us out emotionally for sure.  Someone just said on another thread it's like waking up from a coma, getting off these things.  To me, it's like when you sit cross-legged til your legs go numb, and then when you get up and circulation returns it can be very painful.  It seems it's like that emotionally and mentally.

 

You are already a success story, mountaintop.  Don't forget that.  So sorry you don't have much support.  Makes me wish I could get my skinny ass to wherever you are and cook you a few good meals and do some housework for you.

[[mo...]]

mountaintop -  Glad you're not pissed...I was sweating it.  It's hard getting slammed days on end.  Sometimes it seems like it's the length of this road that is the most wearing, more than the symptoms du jour.  Actually, you sound very articulate about what you are perceiving and feeling, not crazy at all.  The way you are holding it together for the kids shows how strong you really are.  Didn't know you had kids.  I don't know if I would be able to do what you are doing.  Perhaps crying is a good sign of healing??  The Benzos numb us out emotionally for sure.  Someone just said on another thread it's like waking up from a coma, getting off these things.  To me, it's like when you sit cross-legged til your legs go numb, and then when you get up and circulation returns it can be very painful.  It seems it's like that emotionally and mentally.

 

You are already a success story, mountaintop.  Don't forget that.  So sorry you don't have much support.  Makes me wish I could get my skinny ass to wherever you are and cook you a few good meals and do some housework for you.

 

You're a dear Welchie.  Glad to hear I was articulate about my crazy feelings.  I woke up much better today. Low anxiety. I'll keep moving forward. Still ear sensitivity there were birds chirping outside I think the volume was normal for birds but it sounded to me like someone connected speakers in the house and turned up the volume. I don't care much for birds.  And depression is still present but manageable today. I miss the old me hope I see her very soon.

 

I agree about the crying for sure I think it is therapeutic and I always feel healthier somehow the next day after crying. I do think it's not knowing how long this will take and what to expect that adds to the horribleness. If you told me by May 10 I'd be done it would be easier I could endure so much more easily. But I don't know when I'll be done or who I'll be when I get there. Such a long road. Thanks for reminding me that this is not a mere mortal feet. (Not sure if I spelled that right but don't care). Glad to know you Welchie.

[[We...]]

Good to know you too mountaintop : )  And all the other brave souls here.  Funny about the birds!

 

For sure it would be easier if we knew when this would be done and over with.  So many success stories here and elsewhere say they end up a much better version of themselves.  Something that keeps me going.  Stuff like this does change a person.  Any major trauma will.  I'm probably older than most here and looking back through the decades I see we are always being forged in one fire or another.  I suppose it gets down to how we handle it.  Sorry to get too philosophical but all the fires I've already walked through is what is making me strong enough to get through this.  I know for sure peaceful times always come back around. 

 

On a more mundane note, I wanted to throw something out to you guys.  Anybody else notice that symptoms seem to run with the weather?  Today is a pretty crummy day up here in the north country, dark, gloomy and rainy and I noticed a shift.  Might be just a coincidence.

 

 

[[19...]]

I love this thread. I laughed so loud at one point my cat hissed at me. Y’all are great. 

To chime in on the hair loss and weight loss thing Welchie, yes definitely! During this time I’ve lost almost 20lbs. I was 148lbs. I’m also 5’7 so it’s hard to see it on me but it’s there. I lost a lot of hair while taking Klonopin. I also lost a lot during the taper. I feel like my skin and hair are so dry now. I guess from my overworked adrenals. People at work are always like “are you sick...you look sick.” I think that’s primarily from weight loss and ashy skin but also because I used to actually perform hygiene and put on makeup. Lol. Not so much these days. People probably think I’m in fasting or something.

 

This is old but I noticed you asked what “ Mirt.” was in a post and never got a response. It’s short for Mirtazipine. It’s an antidepressant that when used in doses lower or equal to 15mg acts more like an antihistamine. So it becomes a sleep aide. The person mentioned taking it in lower doses so I assumed they were not using it for it’s antidepressant qualities. I’m actually a psych clinician and prescribe medication is why I just gave you all that useless info lol. This whole experience has changed how I prescribe medicine as well as enhancing my empathy towards those going through benzodiazepine withdrawals. It’s a game changer for me.

[[We...]]

19andcounting - too funny your cat hissed at you!!!  At least we're laughing once in a while.  It can get kind of grim.  One day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.  And bad decisions always make for good stories  : )

 

Very cool someone who works in the biz is in the know.  I bet it's a game changer.  Think of how many people you can help and really get the word out.

 

I'm really dry too, mouth, hair, skin.  Beginning to think my wrinkles have wrinkles.  And like you...makeup has sort of gone out the window, along with the hygiene.  Did a microtaper about three days ago and sure enough lost another pound and a little more hair.  At this point I'm like...bring it on you little bastard.  I'm almost 90% off and still this stuff is kicking my butt.  Wait a minute...I don't have a butt any more!!!

 

Thanks for the info on Mirt.  Sleep a little rickety, but enough to get by.

[[We...]]

19andcounting  PS  Noticed on your signature that you jumped in December.  How's that going overall?  Noticing improvements, setbacks....I mean besides that we're underweight, hairless and almost mummified....(Besides that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?)

[[de...]]

"Besides that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?" 

 

I live in Australia and have never heard that said before, it really made me laugh.  Its application here, was perfect.  Waiting for a time where I might use it myself. 

 

Well, my hair loss seems to have stabilised, not so dry and brittle, curls returning, and am starting to eat again.  It seems however that as one thing stabilises, another kicks in, or returns. 

 

Neck pain, pain in flanks, back pain, GI, anxiety has been persistent.  Improvement in derealisation, and the list goes on, but overall things are improving.  Don't want to count my chickens.

 

Can't help but think that my cathartic meltdown/breakdown of early this week may have contributed to my gaining of more inner strength.  Man, that was nutso.  I have no regrets. 

 

Can actually multi task a bit, and have figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. 

 

Dee

 

 

[[19...]]

Welchie, since I jumped things have been mitigated from my Ambien use. I know it’s helped keep me from the worst of it. To what extent I couldn’t answer. Now that I’m jumping soon from the Ambien things are getting worse. It’s pretty much one benzo withdrawal to the next. I jump from that in 19 days. I’m nervous as hell about it.  I was so debilitated from the acute phase then two week peek after jumping from Klonopin. It’s like a PTSD response. I know what it’s going to be like and I want it to be over with soon.

 

I guess before I started the Ambien taper I can say each day was bringing more hope and less symptoms. I wasn’t having as many panic attacks or depression swings as I was in that two week stretch after jumping. Now...not so much. S**t is real again! Intense mood changes, anxiety, tremors, and little sleep. It’s all coming back now. It’s like what you said, “bring it on little bastard!”

[[mo...]]

"Besides that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?" 

 

I live in Australia and have never heard that said before, it really made me laugh.  Its application here, was perfect.  Waiting for a time where I might use it myself. 

 

Well, my hair loss seems to have stabilised, not so dry and brittle, curls returning, and am starting to eat again.  It seems however that as one thing stabilises, another kicks in, or returns. 

 

Neck pain, pain in flanks, back pain, GI, anxiety has been persistent.  Improvement in derealisation, and the list goes on, but overall things are improving.  Don't want to count my chickens.

 

Can't help but think that my cathartic meltdown/breakdown of early this week may have contributed to my gaining of more inner strength.  Man, that was nutso.  I have no regrets. 

 

Can actually multi task a bit, and have figured out how to walk and chew gum at the same time. 

 

Dee

 

Yeeees Dee we both had meltdowns but sounds like we are turning the corner. Glad you're a bit better. I'm so grateful for BB I don't know who else I would tell this crazy stuff to!

 

Can I just say I'm still GAINING  weight even though I am doing yoga and walking it could be my cortisol levels from stress but I have lost weight in the past when under stress so I don't get it. If I gain anymore I'll have to buy new clothes. Hoping my weight at least stabilizes ugh. Sorry I know it's opposite problem for you all but I am half bald that we do have in common. I have long hair so it's starting to look like I have a mullet. Lololol cry cry...

[[ea...]]

When I was forced to go CT off benzos, I weighed 85 lbs. I am 5'3". I was a "stick with breasts." LOL! I had to buy jeans in the childrens department at Walmart, for heavens sake. Be

nzos did that to me, plus I had had a gastric bypass years ago. Keeping weight ON is difficult for me but benzos took away my desire to eat.

During my awful WD, I tried to gain weight. And I did, by eating Peppermint Patties by the bagful, all while I was reading and replying to posts here on BB. I actually felt addicted to those candies, and would buy a new bag at a different store so no clerk would know how much I ate them! LOL!

 

I can laugh about that now. It IS funny.

 

 

My hair never looked bad due to benzos, but benzos sure affected how I SAW my hair!!! I hadn't colored it in many years, and had grown it out to shoulder length. Benzo WD made all my [perceptions so weird. I thought my hair was now a light brown, and it used to be such a dark brown it looked black. The TRUTH was, I had so many white hairs mixed in by then, it looked light brown! LOL! The things benzos do top us is just amazingly weird.

east

[[de...]]

I reckon we are turning a corner mountaintop, and I am ever so grateful, even though it hammered my brain hard.  Something changed within me like a purging of all the pain I have kept inside.  Still lots of work to do, but we made it 'round the bend, leaning hard into the corner like a motorcycle rider with no brakes at hand. 

 

Maybe our meltdowns were like alchemy where the lead has been transformed to gold?  Still only 9ct, but I'm looking for 24 , and I'll find it no matter what, old prospector that I am.    Be realistic, demand the impossible, I say. 

 

And then I remind myself that things can change, and maybe there will be steps backwards and I'll turn back to lead, but somehow I don't think so, something fundamental has changed. 

 

And if I do turn to lead again I now have the strength and understanding to put it to good purpose and make sinkers for when I go fishing again.  Poor little fishies.  I think of their dead eyes and they remind me of my own, so will probably just sit on the rocks looking out to sea, grateful. 

 

I am so grateful to BB as well mountaintop, and we'll get our weight in order again.  It's all the same really, weight loss, weight gain, all due to this terrible withdrawal.  You're thinking about buying new clothes, and I'm looking for braces to hold my duds up. 

 

I'm not prepared to lose this this battle mountaintop, as I see in so many others here.  Warrior, really is the word, and I know self praise is no recommendation. 

 

But as my esteem has always been in the gutter I'm cutting myself a bit of slack and practicing some self love and regaining my esteem. 

 

I'm still screwed, but with better self esteem and strength.  This has been too hard to do otherwise.  Yay! 

 

I reckon your mountain could be Lassiter's Reef mountaintop, with all the gold flowing, and more to come.  But unlike all the disbelievers, we'll show others the map.  🌎

 

Thanks for letting me cry.  :'(

 

Dee

 

 

[[de...]]

East, our posts crossed.  Scrolling back now, to read.  I always like your posts east. 

 

Dee x

[[ea...]]

I reckon we are turning a corner mountaintop, and I am ever so grateful, even though it hammered my brain hard.  Something changed within me like a purging of all the pain I have kept inside.  Still lots of work to do, but we made it 'round the bend, leaning hard into the corner like a motorcycle rider with no brakes at hand. 

 

Maybe our meltdowns were like alchemy where the lead has been transformed to gold?  Still only 9ct, but I'm looking for 24 , and I'll find it no matter what, old prospector that I am.    Be realistic, demand the impossible, I say. 

 

And then I remind myself that things can change, and maybe there will be steps backwards and I'll turn back to lead, but somehow I don't think so, something fundamental has changed. 

 

And if I do turn to lead again I now have the strength and understanding to put it to good purpose and make sinkers for when I go fishing again.  Poor little fishies.  I think of their dead eyes and they remind me of my own, so will probably just sit on the rocks looking out to sea, grateful. 

 

I am so grateful to BB as well mountaintop, and we'll get our weight in order again.  It's all the same really, weight loss, weight gain, all due to this terrible withdrawal.  You're thinking about buying new clothes, and I'm looking for braces to hold my duds up. 

 

I'm not prepared to lose this this battle mountaintop, as I see in so many others here.  Warrior, really is the word, and I know self praise is no recommendation. 

 

But as my esteem has always been in the gutter I'm cutting myself a bit of slack and practicing some self love and regaining my esteem. 

 

I'm still screwed, but with better self esteem.  This has been too hard to do otherwise.  Yay! 

 

I reckon your mountain could be Lassiter's Reef with all the gold flowing, and more to come.  But unlike all the disbelievers, we'll show others the map.  🌎

 

Thanks for letting me cry.  :'(

 

Dee

 

 

 

Dee: this post is so terrifically well written and SO beautiful I almost started crying. I too feel very much the same. I am a flawed person, and that is nothing to do with WHO I really am. I am just the child of two troubled parents. I am almost 69 now. Doubt I will ever fix what is wrong but getting off benzos and ADs was the best thing I could ever do for ME. I am a worthwhile person. I work hard. I try to be honest. I love my cat, and take care of where I live even though its old and ugly. It IS clean, due to me. Getting through BWD was a horrific thing for me. But I DID it and survived and I am SO proud of that enormous accomplishment. I didn't reinstate. I just held on, praying for dear life that I would heal.

And I did. OH JOY!B FREE AT LAST!

east

[[mo...]]

I reckon we are turning a corner mountaintop, and I am ever so grateful, even though it hammered my brain hard.  Something changed within me like a purging of all the pain I have kept inside.  Still lots of work to do, but we made it 'round the bend, leaning hard into the corner like a motorcycle rider with no brakes at hand. 

 

Maybe our meltdowns were like alchemy where the lead has been transformed to gold?  Still only 9ct, but I'm looking for 24 , and I'll find it no matter what, old prospector that I am.    Be realistic, demand the impossible, I say. 

 

And then I remind myself that things can change, and maybe there will be steps backwards and I'll turn back to lead, but somehow I don't think so, something fundamental has changed. 

 

And if I do turn to lead again I now have the strength and understanding to put it to good purpose and make sinkers for when I go fishing again.  Poor little fishies.  I think of their dead eyes and they remind me of my own, so will probably just sit on the rocks looking out to sea, grateful. 

 

I am so grateful to BB as well mountaintop, and we'll get our weight in order again.  It's all the same really, weight loss, weight gain, all due to this terrible withdrawal.  You're thinking about buying new clothes, and I'm looking for braces to hold my duds up. 

 

I'm not prepared to lose this this battle mountaintop, as I see in so many others here.  Warrior, really is the word, and I know self praise is no recommendation. 

 

But as my esteem has always been in the gutter I'm cutting myself a bit of slack and practicing some self love and regaining my esteem. 

 

I'm still screwed, but with better self esteem and strength.  This has been too hard to do otherwise.  Yay! 

 

I reckon your mountain could be Lassiter's Reef mountaintop, with all the gold flowing, and more to come.  But unlike all the disbelievers, we'll show others the map.  🌎

 

Thanks for letting me cry.  :'(

 

Dee

 

So very beautiful Dee. This brought tears. From lead to gold... 

 

24k

[[mo...]]

I reckon we are turning a corner mountaintop, and I am ever so grateful, even though it hammered my brain hard.  Something changed within me like a purging of all the pain I have kept inside.  Still lots of work to do, but we made it 'round the bend, leaning hard into the corner like a motorcycle rider with no brakes at hand. 

 

Maybe our meltdowns were like alchemy where the lead has been transformed to gold?  Still only 9ct, but I'm looking for 24 , and I'll find it no matter what, old prospector that I am.    Be realistic, demand the impossible, I say. 

 

And then I remind myself that things can change, and maybe there will be steps backwards and I'll turn back to lead, but somehow I don't think so, something fundamental has changed. 

 

And if I do turn to lead again I now have the strength and understanding to put it to good purpose and make sinkers for when I go fishing again.  Poor little fishies.  I think of their dead eyes and they remind me of my own, so will probably just sit on the rocks looking out to sea, grateful. 

 

I am so grateful to BB as well mountaintop, and we'll get our weight in order again.  It's all the same really, weight loss, weight gain, all due to this terrible withdrawal.  You're thinking about buying new clothes, and I'm looking for braces to hold my duds up. 

 

I'm not prepared to lose this this battle mountaintop, as I see in so many others here.  Warrior, really is the word, and I know self praise is no recommendation. 

 

But as my esteem has always been in the gutter I'm cutting myself a bit of slack and practicing some self love and regaining my esteem. 

 

I'm still screwed, but with better self esteem.  This has been too hard to do otherwise.  Yay! 

 

I reckon your mountain could be Lassiter's Reef with all the gold flowing, and more to come.  But unlike all the disbelievers, we'll show others the map.  🌎

 

Thanks for letting me cry.  :'(

 

Dee

 

 

 

Dee: this post is so terrifically well written and SO beautiful I almost started crying. I too feel very much the same. I am a flawed person, and that is nothing to do with WHO I really am. I am just the child of two troubled parents. I am almost 69 now. Doubt I will ever fix what is wrong but getting off benzos and ADs was the best thing I could ever do for ME. I am a worthwhile person. I work hard. I try to be honest. I love my cat, and take care of where I live even though its old and ugly. It IS clean, due to me. Getting through BWD was a horrific thing for me. But I DID it and survived and I am SO proud of that enormous accomplishment. I didn't reinstate. I just held on, praying for dear life that I would heal.

And I did. OH JOY!B FREE AT LAST!

east

 

Wow East thank you for the post. You are so right this is nothing to do with who we are. I used to think I was my brain but now it doesn't function the same. I thought I was my sense of humor but there are only flickers of that now. So who am I? I know I'm a warrior, that is clear. I have a dear heart. I've always bruised easily. I seak beauty. I try to do the right things. I love my babies. Those things are all real and me still. We will get through this and be 24k gold like Dee says. We are 24k now or we wouldn't still be standing. Bald, fat, skinny we are standing. We are strong. 

[[de...]]

Oh mountaintop, east, Welchie, all 

 

Thank you so much for saying that I could write.  When I read your words, and saw your hearts so true and caring, I ran like a rabbit, skinny and hairless, into my bedroom.  Couldn't bring myself to read your posts complete. 

 

But now I'm back, and stronger too.  I am worthwhile, and I can do things.  My confidence has been battered by years of either former husband, older brother, father, telling me I am stupid.  I have have always felt incapable.  Going through this process shows me otherwise. 

 

I cannot express adequately my gratitude for your presence and support.  You have saved my skinny arse. 

 

"Stick with breasts" east, that is a very funny image.  It's good to laugh. 

 

You are ALL pure gold, and that's for sure. 

 

Dee

[[We...]]

Deadwood - your posts here are freaking awesome.  Mate, you should consider writing a book, seriously.  Your humor, poignant wit and raw honesty are a gem.  Refreshingly authentic.  Love that no-nonsense Aussie attitude!!! 

 

We've all talked about a lot more than our mummified hair and skinny asses on this thread.  It's all good and very good.  Totally agree, turn that lead into gold.  I'm with ya, leaning into the curve on the motorcycle.

 

I've noticed a 'dark hour comes before a ray of dawn.'  EVERY single time I fall apart in a big way and think - oh sh..t, here it goes again - I seem to always get a little break on the heels of it. 

 

And damn straight - this process is showing you what you're made of, no matter what others try to tell you.

 

Very good to laugh!!  Love you guys.  Can't wait to catch up on the other posts on this thread.  Have to go feed my skinny butt.