Under the Rug (Trigger Warning)

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They run through my head all of the time too mountaintop.

 

Is this all in my head?  Is this rebound anxiety?  But it seems that it can't be there are too many really weird physical and mental symptoms that all here have in common. 

 

When I look at the number of people on-line and as guests there are really not a lot of people.  Does this mean that only very few people end up here, in this hell hole?

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

Mountaintop - Glad to hear your depression is lifting.  My sx were as predictable as a postman on a bran muffing diet but now I'm jouncing around between exhaustion and depression.  Mega anxiety has been consistently waning. Guess that means something good is happening.  Twisted truth.  Keep holding tight.

 

The REAL deal with finding hubby is if you can find someone good enough for YOU!!  Don't ever forget that.  May have to run him by me and Dee : )  My dark circles come and go too.  Face goes pasty white here and there.  Hollow.  Gaunt.  But every once in a while lately, I see clear eyes, a pink color to my skin.  A sort of peace is replacing the constant look of agony that makeup couldn't hide.  You're going to be much, much more beautiful on the other end, mountaintop.  Inside and out!  And hey, ever notice how cousin Einstein always looked a little confused and befuddled too?

 

Dee My heart aches for you, but thanks for the first real benzo belly laugh I've had today.  That we can still find the humor in this dark tale...

70 years young!!  You have the 'spirit' of someone much younger.  I went 'silver fox' too.  I hear it is in style now.  I manage to catch up with style about once every ten years or so.  And hey, if we survived the 80's big hair and shoulder pads, we can survive anything. Crikey!  They were putting shoulder pads in lingerie!!  Our guys had to put up with us coming at them like a football line backer.

 

 

It sucks when a window closes.  You're right...we will not be defeated!!!  Every time this bastard benzo comes back at me, I dig deep too.  Score one for the scrawny pencil neck geek in this corner of the boxing ring. 

 

 

 

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mountaintop, Welchie is right in that whoever this fellow might be he has to be good enough for YOU. 

 

NO-one is allowed to hurt the heart of our dear mountaintop, or me and Welchie will be over  in a flash to show him the rounds of the kitchen. 

 

My uncle Percy used to be a boxer and he showed me the ropes.  I used to wrap those bandages around my 3 year old hands and put on his big leather gloves and spar with him under the lattice work trying to punch the leather bag that hung from above.  Nearly got knocked out as the bag swung back.    He made sure I was safe. 

 

I've got him lined up mountaintop, and if he's a dud just give me the nod.  We are in your corner.

 

I'm a pacifist and don't like pugilism (?)  Have always loved Bob Dylan's, "Who Killed Davey Moore", poor man killed by a blow in the ring, just to secure money to feed his family. 

 

Man, I run a mile from blokes, but can remember what it was like when I was young.  Bob, again, "oh, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."  All I need is the nod mountaintop  , and he's history, and you'll be dancin'.    you deserve the best mountaintop.  Gold. 

 

Yes, the depression sucks and felt it big time yesterday when window slammed in my face.  I was so disappointed, but got up from the canvas to fight another day. 

 

When first the window opened I could read subtitles on TV and even read the introduction to a book.  Previously the movie would be over while I was still reading the title, I do remember reading the word FIN.   

 

I am feeling so much improved today.  Depression has lifted and with less anxiety.  Worked again in the garden, and have made my bed though there is some nicotine gum stuck to the sheets.    Will have to get some eucalyptus oil to remove it.  Might just go broil up some gum leaves and say hi to a koala 🐨 if there were any left in my neck of the woods what with 'development'.  Poor little koala run out of house and home. 

 

Welchie, I am so happy that you too have risen from your funk.  It is so crap, hey?  I need to say what a beautiful person I believe you to be and can relate so well when you describe how this experience has made you a more loving and empathic person.  Bet you were to begin with but benzo's kept it sedated.  The world don't like good people all that much, if you ask me.  Too threatening, maybe?. 

 

I was always so scared, but I'm not anymore.

 

I'm going to post now because got zapped again and if it happens a second time I'm going to enter the ring with myself. 

 

My luv to you all. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

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Hey mountaintop, I'm only a Featherweight, make sure he can't outclass me. 

 

I weigh less than Featherweight, don't even think there is a class under Featherweight.  Small, but wiry. 

 

Dee x

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Crickey Welchie, for a moment there I thought you came from Australia so checked out and see you come from New England. 

 

Then I had to check out where was New England. 

 

My knowledge of geography leaves a lot to be desired so I'm learning other stuff here too.

 

Now I'm going to check out all about New England. 

 

Stone the bloody crows, I feel at home. 

 

You must be one of the funniest girls/women I've known.  You've me helped enormously. 

 

Dee x

[[We...]]

I'm getting slammed you guys.  The reckless one here did another cut and am heartily paying the price.  Big Pharma has me pinned to the mat today. 

 

Love you guys.  Love your recent posts. 

[[de...]]

Oh Welchie I am so sorry.  Big pharma sucks and we will KO the mongrel one of these godforsaken days. 

 

I'm a reckless one too Welchie and usually pay for it.  I'm freaking about dropping from 1.25mg v to 1mg in 12 days.  But I'm still going to do it.

 

Are you going to tough it out or resume previous dose where you cut by 3%?

 

I always learn the hard way too Welchie.  But I suppose it's still learning, and that's the only plus I can find. 

 

Lay upon the mat for a while, and rest.  Keep your fluids up.  Nurse Nancy, ha! 

 

I love you too Welchie, all the strong women on this thread. 

 

We won't be defeated Welchie, we won't. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

I'm plowing through Dee.  Devil be damned.  I'm a stubborn little shit.  It's still not as bad as when I was on full 1mg K.  Only ONE way out.

 

Hubby is being great.  He is doing dishes as we speak because he is very wise and understands no man has ever been shot while doing dishes. 

 

I'm rooting for you with your .25 drop in 12 days.  I will be up and about by then, hopefully sooner, and will be there to help pull you out of the muck if you need it.  Even if I have to crawl out of my death bed to do it.

 

By the Way...you said you looked up New England.  Ever notice how the shape of the U.S. looks like and odd creature with benzo belly and a very small head?  Is this ringing any bells here???  I guess Florida, where the old folks go, looks like....well, won't say it out loud  : )  And a rather small misshapen one at that.  Hoya!!

 

Going to go scream now.  See ya'll tomorrow.  Be well you guys. 

[[mo...]]

My loves, I am slammed today too but I've made it through the day. Woke at 3 never really got back to sleep, I told Welchie on another thread, made too large of a cut partially due to a faulty scale. I wonder if now that we are in lower doses if our scales aren't going to read accurately? I'll have to pose this question.  Trying again tonight and this time I'm pushing through and not going to eat a few specks. Damn specks, tiny pieces of dust that are smaller than salt on my food but kept me from trembling last night.

 

Dee it's so sad I have to write things down as I read through the last day's posts so I could remember what to say. THANK YOU for reminding me that I am gold and someone must be good enough for me, my confidence has never been where it should be with guys, but this process is helping things. I am picturing you wiry in the ring dusting anyone who messes with me! Glad to have you in my corner. You have the spirit of a 25 year old I tell you Dee. I've got your back too. Glad to hear you are feeling better and worked in your garden again. I really think being active is key. I understand about always being scared, I have too. But so much less so now, this process makes you remember what is important and fear has no place in my life anymore.

 

Welchie we are definitely the stubborn determined ones! We made it today! So glad we did. Glad your hubbie is helping out. I tell myself I have angels watching over me on this journey, I will remain functional and able to care for myself. When do you see yourself jumping? I'm hoping for spring but letting my body dictate. Spring would be gorgeous wouldn't it? I slept for 10 maybe 15 minutes today, it helped a ton.

 

So glad you loves are both in my life during this time, you are salt of the earth. I will remember as my husband finds me you say I'm gold, with any faults.

 

Love you both. 

 

Question- I wonder if we should make this a separate thread since we don't talk about hair loss or weight loss anymore?   

[[We...]]

Good morning soul sisters.  We're still here!!!  The Three Musketeers and all the other brave souls on this site.

 

What is it about waking up at 3:00!!  Seems to be the exact same time for lots of people.  Every night I wake up, roll over and see 3:00 almost to the minute.   

 

I'm glad you mentioned angels, mountaintop.  I've been 'calling all angels' too.  24/7.   

 

Thanks for the you guys.  Love your spirit and determination, Dee, in moving forward with your next cut.  Love your spirit and determination mountain for kicking that extra crumb to the curb.  Love all of our determination in loving ourselves enough, despite the knocks and blows past, present and future to see our way through.

 

About jumping...I've been afraid to say it...but I'm thinking of taking the jump in about ten days.  Totally.  I know you guys are smart enough to not listen to anything I say : ) or follow me down the wrong path so I'm putting it out there.  Been thinking about it long and hard for a while and kicked it around with hubby because he, unfortunately, will be along for the ride.

 

I am sure, looking back, that I was in some serious tolerance withdrawal right away - about this time last year.  Didn't know what the hell was going on then, of course.  I pretty consistently feel better, even with big 50% cuts, once the dust settles...about two weeks in.  So, there you have it.

 

It's so frigging cold up here this morning I might see a lawyer with his hands in his own pocket!!!  (My ex was a lawyer.  Dirty bastard.  I was lucky to escape with my toothbrush and the tattered remnants of my sanity).

 

Any thoughts on what we should call the new thread??  But I guess we have to talk about something while waiting for the hair to grow back!!!

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Hello Welchie and your soul sisters. I just closed my eyes and sent well wishes to you ladies, and well wishes to those who have sent me reassuring messages. So grateful for that.

 

I’ve seen better days. I just got through a couple out of town trips and I feel exhausted which is ridiculous since I’m not working now. But I keep on telling myself I’m getting better every day even if I don’t know it. Healing days ahead.

 

Just checking in to stay on the radar.

[[de...]]

Hey soul sisters, haven't been able to get back as we are suffering heat wave conditions here and it's knocked the shit out of me.  I can barely think. 

 

Had to do food shopping yesterday and do not have a car, public transport.  I use one of those "granny trolley" things which I found on a neighbourhood throw out.  It was covered in leaves and  is a really retro and groovy  burnt orange.  I do like it. 

 

Picture this, pin legs, granny trolley, pea belly, with hair standing on end.  Oh, yeah, and wearing a tattered "Free Pussy Riot" t-shirt.  Haha, a picture was taken of me wearing it but the word RIOT was obscured and it read, "Free Pussy".  Aarrgghh, 

 

Welchie, I, we all will I think, back you up if you do decide to jump in 10 days.  I'm going to ditch the .25 in about the same time frame, then I'm going to try ditch the last milligram of the crap in say, 2 months.  I just can't stand it anymore. 

 

My friends, I am so exhausted from yesterday and today is even hotter, please forgive me if I can't say much more.  There is something to be said for exertion, heat, and return of symptomology. 

 

Mountaintop    I reckon we should keep the thread alive under its original name.  I am open to persuasion.  .

 

We bald, we lose or gain weight, but all the other crap goes on as well and we still keep sharing.  I reckon it's great. 

 

I love you all, but currently I am failing and need to stand under the sprinkler or something. 

 

It is so bloody hot. 

 

Rabbit I was thinking about you. 

 

Dee

[[We...]]

Dee - Oh my God, I am laughing so hard about to pee my pants.  I swear, laughing is the best medicine.

 

Take good care of yourself...don't overdo.  Stay cool.  Thanks for backing me up with jumping off the cliff.

 

RABBIT You be a soul sister too!!!  We hardly ever hear from you!!!  Step up girl!!!  The more the merrier.  Though I suspect we would not find you tooling down the road with a t-shirt that says 'free pussy'.  Maybe some day we'll have Dee's kahonas to do THAT.  Too funny!!!  Maybe when we turn 70??? 

 

Hope you are well rabbit.  Hope you had a good day, my friend.

 

 

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I second that Welchie. 

 

rabbit you are soul sister. 

 

Like, we need as many as we can get so that if one of us gets slammed another sister can step up to the crease.  A cricketing terms same as step up to the plate. 

 

And now I've gone all paranoid and think maybe mountaintop is upset because I thought the thread should stand under original name.  Paranoid, hypersensitive, right mountaintop? 

 

Hold the line soul sisters we're on our way from misery to happiness.

 

Dee

 

 

[[Li...]]

I lost 50 lbs and I didn't loose my hair but it turned a lot more grey than it was before the taper.  I have much more grey hair than my father and grandfather had at my age.  I think withdrawal weekens the immune system which allows things to happen prematurely.

[[mo...]]

Heeeeeeyyyy lovely sisters!  :smitten:

 

I've been chasing after very energetic kiddos that past few days! I think it's good they keep me active and give me something to push towards. I tell you though one of them crawled in bed with me and grinds his teeth so I didn't get much of any sleep even after I sent him back to his bed. I think maybe not walking / exercising yesterday threw off my sleep? My sleep was definitely off, super on edge today and hoping tonight is better!

 

Welchie you know I totally understand about jumping and I support you 110%!!  Hey, why not try it and I would not be surprised if you're successful! I've been debating but I think I'm going to cut by 10% tonight.  I hope it goes well, I will have the long weekend to recover I think so we will see! You are a gutsy one! I realized I was in tolerance withdrawal too after I started tapering and the weird symptoms that I didn't know were symptoms started getting worse haha. Joke was on me. Sound sensitivity, anxiety, desire to drink that I was constantly fighting and thinking I suddenly had alcoholic tendencies, it was all my body crying out for more benzos. The lightbulb about the alcohol didn't come on until just a few weeks ago and someone else experienced the same thing. Days like today with loud kids and my nerves on edge I wanted a vodka cranberry so bad but I am strictly no drinking, it would only set me back. I miss booze though. Moms need booze.

 

Free pussy riot!! I love it Dee!! And no of course I would not be weird about you wanting to keep the thread the same name. Just think it's funny when people come to the thread to read about hair and weight and aaaaallll the other stuff we talk about and they get more than they bargained for!  We could always call it "Super Soul Sisters" or "Weightloss Hair Loss Sisterhood" or is that corny? And by the way I would be annoyed about them obscuring the "riot" too! I tell you I want to be like you when I grow up Dee! Hope you were able to cool off some!

 

Hey Rabbit! Great to see you, hope you stop by more often!

[[We...]]

Hi Liberty - another sis on the journey!  Warning: This Thread Is Not For The Faint Of Heart 

 

Mine's turning a lot whiter too.  We're now silver foxes!!!!  Except for mountaintop : )  She's just a fox.

 

So if you don't mind me asking...50 pounds is a lot.  Are your seriously underweight now?  Did you lose it quickly?  I'm holding at 107.  But at least I'm holding.  People are probably thinking I'm anorexic now, besides being seriously daffy.  I'm wondering if the hair loss/gray thing and weight loss is just from the constant anxiety.  Bad deal.  But if life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead....

 

Hope your Ok Dee.  Hot weather can be a knocker. 

 

Hi Rabbit!

 

I seem to be coming around fairly quickly since the recent down dose.  Score another one for the scrawny pencil-neck geek against Benzo!  Indeed...hold the line sisters.

[[up...]]

Oh Dee...Thank you for wondering about me. It’s good to know that.    I’m such a sap. 

 

And to you wonderful ladies, I’ll gladly be a soul sister! 

 

As you may have noticed, I did a crossover from Klonopin to Valium after an overly rapid taper. So far, I’d call it manageable compared to my rapid taper of K. I’m down to 6 mg. If the equivalence is valid, I’d say that every 1mg drop of Valium is like cutting 0.05 to 0.1 mg of Klonopin every 1-2 weeks.

 

I know the percent drop gets bigger at each drop but we shall see! 

 

This has nearly zapped the life out of my body, but I have HOPE it will be better someday. That’s about all I have at the moment. I wish my husband was nicer but I will persevere.

 

Annie

 

 

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Thank you mountaintop! 

[[Jo...]]

I'm just going to contribute an experience here.

 

I also had weight loss due to loss of appetite and sometimes nausea (thankfully for me) and hair loss. I had long hair for 15 years and during my 3rd to last week of tapers, decided it was finally time to shave it off. It was thin on top, fuzzy in the front, and too many times I was sitting at my desk and watched a broken hair slowly fall to the floor. My shower drain was a telltale sign. I'm curious if it will grow back in or not.

 

However, after shaving my head, I have to admit I had a strong desire to cut off my ears. I felt I would have looked much better without them, they broke the transition from hair to beard. This lasted several days to a week. Spoiler: I didn't do it. I knew there would be great blood loss and, well, people would think/know I'm crazy and put me away haha. Anyway, that desire has subsided; I suppose that's part of a psychosis? Lesson: don't always give in to your urges!

[[We...]]

Good morning everybody!!

 

It looks like a lot of posts got crossed in the mail.

 

mountaintop Yes.  Mom's need something - A month in Hawaii with daily massages from someone named Hanz and frolicking in warm water and white sands would do nicely.  Interesting about the alcohol, isn't it?  Guess I'm born to be mild cuz I only drank a little white wine here and there.  And people sure do get more than they bargained for when they pop into this thread    But did you notice there are a lot of views???  We're keeping somebody interested and entertained.

 

Thanks for saying gutsy.  More like nutsy.  But hey, if first you don't succeed...don't take up skydiving.  Hubby is on board with the jump.  (old joke...What do you call a man who can control his wife?...A murder suspect).

 

Annie - rapid taper K is a bitch with no sense of humor, at all.  Been there.  Never really learned to swear properly until I did that rapid taper.  It will get better, day by day.  It is getting better day by day.  If I remember right, I think I saw that 1mg K = 20mg V so you're close to .25 K ??  Here's another joke about husbands just for you....What do you do when your husband is writhing in agony on the floor....shoot him again!!!

 

Hey, we haven't heard from Dee in a while...you still with us Dee??  Is the heat still kicking your butt.  Now I'm getting worried.  Don't make me book a flight to Australia to track your scrawny ass down, girl.  Let us know you are ok.

 

We made it through another day on the freedom trail.  And about to make another. 

 

[[We...]]

Journey - you seriously shaved your hair???  I was actually thinking of doing that for a while - not the ear thing though 

 

I see a lot of younger women with their heads shaved and it actually looks pretty good on them.  You got guts girl.  Think of all the money you're going to save on $100 bottles of shampoo and conditioner!!!

[[Jo...]]

Welchie - I'm actually a man (did you think I was a bearded lady? haha), but yes it was still traumatic and liberating. I've put the shampoo/conditioner away and just use body wash now! I save a lot of time not having to wash or brush it anymore, I just buzz it at home now and then. I had tried some expensive vitamin shampoos for hair loss, but they were just too darn much.

 

As for women with short hair - it's cute! Don't be afraid to do it

[[We...]]

Oooops!  But all men look good bald.  Dang.  Hope you're a good sport about husband jokes.  Cuz there's gonna be lots more of them!!!  Guess you are the fox in the hen house here.  Gutsy.

[[Jo...]]

Gotta love the bachelor life