Positive Feedback Please - Who felt improvements as they tapered?

[[Ma...]]

RR, I am sorry , my symptoms were improved also until I seem to have hit a spot where everything seems to be coming back.  I am in a lot of pain also.  I can tell you what had improved but not sure that's what you want to hear.  I keep telling myself, healing is not linear, but it sure is disappointing when the symptoms come back.  I read a lot on here and think this happens to most people.  Very few seem to just taper and heal without hitting that damn spot.  I have decided to hold for 3 months.  I have been doing this for 2 and 1/2 years, from 40 V equivalent to 8.80 , and my brain and body are tired.  I am also really thinking of going to liquid Diazapam.  Will see what my Dr says.  Hope your sxs start easing soon.  Don't feel alone, I am right here if you want to talk or just vent.....Mary 💜💜💜

 

[[mi...]]

im just over two months and I feel a little better everyday. some days are hard. I'm still on a fairly low dose if you read my signature you'll see. In the beginning I was vomiting, fever, no sleep for 6 straight days, massive heart palpitations all day, muscle cramps, tachycardia, couldn't work or even sweep the floors, even showering was like being in the Olympics, no idea who I was losing myself basically. Now I am working, doing alright not 100% but that's ok. I can keep house clean and care for my dogs. Cook. Drive, go places, my mood is leveling out(still not there yet) I hang out with my friends sometimes (which I couldn't even let them visit me in the hospital I was so messed up I didn't want anyone to see me like that) and even go out to eat. etc. etc.  I still have some symptoms like dizziness , headaches, anxiety and occasional panic attack but no where NEAR where I was a couple months ago. I feel very blessed that im healing, I know I still have a while to go, I hope that my next taper won't be as bad as what I went through CT and I don't think it will be. Be well!

 

 

Blessings

[[Ra...]]

RR, I am sorry , my symptoms were improved also until I seem to have hit a spot where everything seems to be coming back.  I am in a lot of pain also.  I can tell you what had improved but not sure that's what you want to hear.  I keep telling myself, healing is not linear, but it sure is disappointing when the symptoms come back.  I read a lot on here and think this happens to most people.  Very few seem to just taper and heal without hitting that damn spot.  I have decided to hold for 3 months.  I have been doing this for 2 and 1/2 years, from 40 V equivalent to 8.80 , and my brain and body are tired.  I am also really thinking of going to liquid Diazapam.  Will see what my Dr says.  Hope your sxs start easing soon.  Don't feel alone, I am right here if you want to talk or just vent.....Mary 💜💜💜

 

Thank you Mary.. didn't mean to make this about me but I was greatly offended and I don't know why.  I had posted a new thread last night and it seemed like my cry for help just fell on deaf ears.  I needed encouragement so badly last night and I came here in desperation pouring out my heart.  Then I come back and see THIS thread with so many replies and felt very ignored. It's probably just all in my head and part of this taper and the symptoms. Everything is sad... nobody cares... blah, blah, blah.  I am over it... don't know why I expect anyone to care... nobody here really knows me.  I am so sorry for your suffering and pray that we all somehow get through this torture.  It's very difficult. 

[[Ma...]]

RR, I am sorry , my symptoms were improved also until I seem to have hit a spot where everything seems to be coming back.  I am in a lot of pain also.  I can tell you what had improved but not sure that's what you want to hear.  I keep telling myself, healing is not linear, but it sure is disappointing when the symptoms come back.  I read a lot on here and think this happens to most people.  Very few seem to just taper and heal without hitting that damn spot.  I have decided to hold for 3 months.  I have been doing this for 2 and 1/2 years, from 40 V equivalent to 8.80 , and my brain and body are tired.  I am also really thinking of going to liquid Diazapam.  Will see what my Dr says.  Hope your sxs start easing soon.  Don't feel alone, I am right here if you want to talk or just vent.....Mary 💜💜💜

 

Thank you Mary.. didn't mean to make this about me but I was greatly offended and I don't know why.  I had posted a new thread last night and it seemed like my cry for help just fell on deaf ears.  I needed encouragement so badly last night and I came here in desperation pouring out my heart.  Then I come back and see THIS thread with so many replies and felt very ignored. It's probably just all in my head and part of this taper and the symptoms. Everything is sad... nobody cares... blah, blah, blah.  I am over it... don't know why I expect anyone to care... nobody here really knows me.  I am so sorry for your suffering and pray that we all somehow get through this torture.  It's very difficult. 

 

It is horrible RR, it sucks, I think the benzo is making you feel alone.  It's not you, I have read and seen many of your posts.  You have hit that  :brickwall: and now have to decide way around it you want to try.  So many of us will be here.  Weekends too, I have noticed over the 2 years I have been on here, are slow.  The ones of us that are lucky and feeling well are doing other things, as you can see , I'm not one  . But I'm here for you 

[[be...]]

Raquel, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, I have been following your posts forever and last night I read over your sig and was trying to see if I could figure out something to help you. I did not answer as I was going to have company and ran out of time. Back to your taper, it seems that you have gone fairly slow and I do not know much about the benzo you are taking, but I do know that there can be other things that can make it feel bad. Extreme stress, and I know from reading you had an injury and know that you are off of work for a bit longer, when it rains it seems to pour. I wish I could be of more help, but I wonder if you just did not taper for a while and let your brain catch up to the cuts, that maybe it might help...nothing is written in stone. But the one thing I know for sure that tapering when in extreme pain or wd, well it usually does not get better. I say that about what I have been through and not saying for anyone reading that we are the same, it worked for me this third taper to go like a snail and not worry about how long I had to taper. I think Mary hit it on the head about taking things to heart, it is benzo lies, and I am sure that many read your post, and maybe some are really sick and can not post. You would be surprised at the many that read silently because they can not post. Stay Strong and know that we care, and many more do too. 💖 Peace and Healing.

[[Ra...]]

RR, I am sorry , my symptoms were improved also until I seem to have hit a spot where everything seems to be coming back.  I am in a lot of pain also.  I can tell you what had improved but not sure that's what you want to hear.  I keep telling myself, healing is not linear, but it sure is disappointing when the symptoms come back.  I read a lot on here and think this happens to most people.  Very few seem to just taper and heal without hitting that damn spot.  I have decided to hold for 3 months.  I have been doing this for 2 and 1/2 years, from 40 V equivalent to 8.80 , and my brain and body are tired.  I am also really thinking of going to liquid Diazapam.  Will see what my Dr says.  Hope your sxs start easing soon.  Don't feel alone, I am right here if you want to talk or just vent.....Mary 💜💜💜

 

Thank you Mary.. didn't mean to make this about me but I was greatly offended and I don't know why.  I had posted a new thread last night and it seemed like my cry for help just fell on deaf ears.  I needed encouragement so badly last night and I came here in desperation pouring out my heart.  Then I come back and see THIS thread with so many replies and felt very ignored. It's probably just all in my head and part of this taper and the symptoms. Everything is sad... nobody cares... blah, blah, blah.  I am over it... don't know why I expect anyone to care... nobody here really knows me.  I am so sorry for your suffering and pray that we all somehow get through this torture.  It's very difficult. 

 

It is horrible RR, it sucks, I think the benzo is making you feel alone.  It's not you, I have read and seen many of your posts.  You have hit that  :brickwall: and now have to decide way around it you want to try.  So many of us will be here.  Weekends too, I have noticed over the 2 years I have been on here, are slow.  The ones of us that are lucky and feeling well are doing other things, as you can see , I'm not one  . But I'm here for you 

 

:smitten:

[[be...]]

Raquel, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, I have been following your posts forever and last night I read over your sig and was trying to see if I could figure out something to help you. I did not answer as I was going to have company and ran out of time. Back to your taper, it seems that you have gone fairly slow and I do not know much about the benzo you are taking, but I do know that there can be other things that can make it feel bad. Extreme stress, and I know from reading you had an injury and know that you are off of work for a bit longer, when it rains it seems to pour. I wish I could be of more help, but I wonder if you just did not taper for a while and let your brain catch up to the cuts, that maybe it might help...nothing is written in stone. But the one thing I know for sure that tapering when in extreme pain or wd, well it usually does not get better. I say that about what I have been through and not saying for anyone reading that we are the same, it worked for me this third taper to go like a snail and not worry about how long I had to taper. I think Mary hit it on the head about taking things to heart, it is benzo lies, and I am sure that many read your post, and maybe some are really sick and can not post. You would be surprised at the many that read silently because they can not post. Stay Strong and know that we care, and many more do too. 💖 Peace and Healing.

Well...I hope all goes well for you as you taper off, I will add to my above post, that most who post to threads hope to receive a reply of acknowledgement of some sort. So sure this is how you felt the other day when no one posted to your plea for help. Only wish the best for you going forward.

[[Ra...]]

Raquel, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, I have been following your posts forever and last night I read over your sig and was trying to see if I could figure out something to help you. I did not answer as I was going to have company and ran out of time. Back to your taper, it seems that you have gone fairly slow and I do not know much about the benzo you are taking, but I do know that there can be other things that can make it feel bad. Extreme stress, and I know from reading you had an injury and know that you are off of work for a bit longer, when it rains it seems to pour. I wish I could be of more help, but I wonder if you just did not taper for a while and let your brain catch up to the cuts, that maybe it might help...nothing is written in stone. But the one thing I know for sure that tapering when in extreme pain or wd, well it usually does not get better. I say that about what I have been through and not saying for anyone reading that we are the same, it worked for me this third taper to go like a snail and not worry about how long I had to taper. I think Mary hit it on the head about taking things to heart, it is benzo lies, and I am sure that many read your post, and maybe some are really sick and can not post. You would be surprised at the many that read silently because they can not post. Stay Strong and know that we care, and many more do too. 💖 Peace and Healing.

Well...I hope all goes well for you as you taper off, I will add to my above post, that most who post to threads hope to receive a reply of acknowledgement of some sort. So sure this is how you felt the other day when no one posted to your plea for help. Only wish the best for you going forward.

 

It happened twice.  I spent 30-minutes replying to both of your replies and I got logged out and lost them both... one yesterday and now the second one.  I poured out my heart too.  It's 5am and I haven't slept. Exhausted but thank you for BOTH of your replies. I'll come back tomorrow and try to respond in a lengthier manner.  Thanks for caring. 

[[be...]]

Raquel, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, I have been following your posts forever and last night I read over your sig and was trying to see if I could figure out something to help you. I did not answer as I was going to have company and ran out of time. Back to your taper, it seems that you have gone fairly slow and I do not know much about the benzo you are taking, but I do know that there can be other things that can make it feel bad. Extreme stress, and I know from reading you had an injury and know that you are off of work for a bit longer, when it rains it seems to pour. I wish I could be of more help, but I wonder if you just did not taper for a while and let your brain catch up to the cuts, that maybe it might help...nothing is written in stone. But the one thing I know for sure that tapering when in extreme pain or wd, well it usually does not get better. I say that about what I have been through and not saying for anyone reading that we are the same, it worked for me this third taper to go like a snail and not worry about how long I had to taper. I think Mary hit it on the head about taking things to heart, it is benzo lies, and I am sure that many read your post, and maybe some are really sick and can not post. You would be surprised at the many that read silently because they can not post. Stay Strong and know that we care, and many more do too. 💖 Peace and Healing.

Well...I hope all goes well for you as you taper off, I will add to my above post, that most who post to threads hope to receive a reply of acknowledgement of some sort. So sure this is how you felt the other day when no one posted to your plea for help. Only wish the best for you going forward.

 

It happened twice.  I spent 30-minutes replying to both of your replies and I got logged out and lost them both... one yesterday and now the second one.  I poured out my heart too.  It's 5am and I haven't slept. Exhausted but thank you for BOTH of your replies. I'll come back tomorrow and try to respond in a lengthier manner.  Thanks for caring. 

Thanks for letting me know, your response above is enough, so no worries about re-posting, I understand, it happens to me too. I will continue to follow your threads. Stay Strong and I know you can get to a better place...hope it is soon for you. 

[[no...]]

*bump*

[[Fi...]]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this thread but really liked the idea of it and the posts I have read. 

 

I'm tapering Clonazapam and have noticed that as I've gotten lower, the crushing depression caused by the side effects of Clonzapamn are starting to lift.  This has given me a sense of relief because the depression was so scary. 

 

I still have symtoms of fear, grief and my sleep is not great but my agoraphobia has lifted and I'm able to read again.  I try to walk daily and have taken on line classes to keep my professional standing. 

 

I'm not symptom free but once I realized that most benzo tapers have symptoms, I stopped blaming myself when they happened. I'm doing a slow taper and even though that frustrates me at times, I know I am doing the best I can.

 

I have heard directly from other benzo survivors that they felt better when they got lower. I believe that's starting to happen for me in terms of the mental symtpms.  As someone who has been pollydrugged, that feels good. 

 

I hope this thread keeps going. 

 

Final Healing

[[He...]]

I def feel better as I taper.  There are icky days.  But overall, way better.  I love dreaming again.  I enjoy having my memory back.  I like the happy energy I get now.  I feel stronger and more confident.  I’m hopeful and have more laughter.  I believe in my own capacity to heal and have a med free life.  Wd symptoms are not ruling my life at all.  I don’t let it. 

[[Fi...]]

I def feel better as I taper.  There are icky days.  But overall, way better.  I love dreaming again.  I enjoy having my memory back.  I like the happy energy I get now.  I feel stronger and more confident.  I’m hopeful and have more laughter.  I believe in my own capacity to heal and have a med free life.  Wd symptoms are not ruling my life at all.  I don’t let it.

 

Great to hear.  I  too am holding the belief that I will be healed as u come off and that my life will be even better. 

[[di...]]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this thread but really liked the idea of it and the posts I have read. 

 

I'm tapering Clonazapam and have noticed that as I've gotten lower, the crushing depression caused by the side effects of Clonzapamn are starting to lift.  This has given me a sense of relief because the depression was so scary. 

 

I still have symtoms of fear, grief and my sleep is not great but my agoraphobia has lifted and I'm able to read again.  I try to walk daily and have taken on line classes to keep my professional standing. 

 

I'm not symptom free but once I realized that most benzo tapers have symptoms, I stopped blaming myself when they happened. I'm doing a slow taper and even though that frustrates me at times, I know I am doing the best I can.

 

I have heard directly from other benzo survivors that they felt better when they got lower. I believe that's starting to happen for me in terms of the mental symtpms.  As someone who has been pollydrugged, that feels good. 

 

I hope this thread keeps going. 

 

Final Healing

Same here with the depression. I'm tapering diazepam. Up at 10mg, I was so flat but without the chill because of tolerance. Attention span of a gnat.

 

I'm down to 2.5mg. I have symptoms from the last reduction I made but still, I am experiencing better cognition than I have in years, until mental fatigue sets in. I stabilised at 3mg for a while and noticed that I was pretty sharp at times. It's up and down but it's nice when you feel those moments of clarity when they come along. Makes me remember who I was before all this and gives me hope that I'll be something similar but with wisdom and a few battle scars.

 

I feel a bit more than is comfortable, which is obv. very normal in this process, but I'm glad to recognise the types of feelings that I haven't been having for a while. I didn't know I'd lost them until they came back, if that makes sense?

 

My gut motility is a lot better on the whole. It really jammed up after SSRI withdrawal and remained a problem in tolerance to 10mg diazepam. It's nowhere near perfect but without getting into detail, there is a marked improvement.

[[Fi...]]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this thread but really liked the idea of it and the posts I have read. 

 

I'm tapering Clonazapam and have noticed that as I've gotten lower, the crushing depression caused by the side effects of Clonzapamn are starting to lift.  This has given me a sense of relief because the depression was so scary. 

 

I still have symtoms of fear, grief and my sleep is not great but my agoraphobia has lifted and I'm able to read again.  I try to walk daily and have taken on line classes to keep my professional standing. 

 

I'm not symptom free but once I realized that most benzo tapers have symptoms, I stopped blaming myself when they happened. I'm doing a slow taper and even though that frustrates me at times, I know I am doing the best I can.

 

I have heard directly from other benzo survivors that they felt better when they got lower. I believe that's starting to happen for me in terms of the mental symtpms.  As someone who has been pollydrugged, that feels good. 

 

I hope this thread keeps going. 

 

Final Healing

Same here with the depression. I'm tapering diazepam. Up at 10mg, I was so flat but without the chill because of tolerance. Attention span of a gnat.

 

I'm down to 2.5mg. I have symptoms from the last reduction I made but still, I am experiencing better cognition than I have in years, until mental fatigue sets in. I stabilised at 3mg for a while and noticed that I was pretty sharp at times. It's up and down but it's nice when you feel those moments of clarity when they come along. Makes me remember who I was before all this and gives me hope that I'll be something similar but with wisdom and a few battle scars.

 

I feel a bit more than is comfortable, which is obv. very normal in this process, but I'm glad to recognise the types of feelings that I haven't been having for a while. I didn't know I'd lost them until they came back, if that makes sense?

 

My gut motility is a lot better on the whole. It really jammed up after SSRI withdrawal and remained a problem in tolerance to 10mg diazepam. It's nowhere near perfect but without getting into detail, there is a marked improvement.

 

I'm glad you are doing okay.  The medication depression is brutal and it colors everything.  To have that intensity gone is a gift. 

 

Yes, noticing your feelings coming back after being flat can be a jolt.  I've cried the whole way through this taper but I was thrown by the anger.  What I'd love to feel again is passion. I'm told that's waiting at the end of this.  Cant wait. 

 

Congratulations on getting low on the Valium. 

[[Pi...]]

I just had a Window that lasted 2 weeks after I dropped to 14mg. Then it crept back in as the stresses of life started to build.

 

This hold will be longer then usual as I am going to Colombia on vacation next week. After that it's down to 13.

[[Om...]]

Yes. As I lower the dosage, it felt like my mind is clearing up, and my depression went down. It made me a non-alcoholic (cuz I cannot handle even a beer now). I started to meditate like never before, which worked well to improve my mental quality. Lot's of bad habit, including eating habits, have changed for better. And I started to work out. Apart from the physical discomforts, actually lot of positive things have happened. Though one should NEVER get hooked on bezos. Cuz all these positive things certainly haven't come from the drug itself, obviously. But because of the ordeal I have gone through. 

[[Ji...]]

Yes. As I lower the dosage, it felt like my mind is clearing up, and my depression went down. It made me a non-alcoholic (cuz I cannot handle even a beer now). I started to meditate like never before, which worked well to improve my mental quality. Lot's of bad habit, including eating habits, have changed for better. And I started to work out. Apart from the physical discomforts, actually lot of positive things have happened. Though one should NEVER get hooked on bezos. Cuz all these positive things certainly haven't come from the drug itself, obviously. But because of the ordeal I have gone through.

I learned how to meditate at Mount Abu in India 27 years ago. It surely is the best thing for recovery, if it is linked to positive affirmations and faith in a higher power.

[[Fi...]]

I too have had reached some internal clarity about my life during this process.  A painful awakening about how ended up being medicated but the self criticism has eased; not everything is my fault. 

 

I also now realize more than ever what really matters to me.  That is something I have searched for at many times in my life. 

 

I wish the benzo trauma had not been the way I learned it but it was so now I will let those insights jell as I move myself off this drug. 

[[DJ...]]

As someone who is a relatively short-term of benzos at small doses that I am extremely sensitive. For example, when I took more than 0.25mg of clonazepam per day (like .375 to 0.5mg) and even when I crossed over to just 5mg of valium, I would experience suicidal ideation, depression, huge crying fits, and severe amnesia. I've never experienced these thoughts and feelings before and I''m very aware that these feelings are not actually coming from me. The real me loves life, literally never cries, and always has hope. Now, as I wean down off the valium, all these horrible thoughts and crying fits have gone away. My mind is clearer and I have renewed hope for the future to heal and manage my anxiety better so that I never need to go on benzos again.

 

I have invested in a brain entrainment device called NeoRhythm that helps uses PEMF technology to help me meditate and sleep better at night. I'm also using 10mg of THC Indica oil at night and wow it works so well to chill me out and lull me into sleep.

[[Im...]]

As someone who is a relatively short-term of benzos at small doses that I am extremely sensitive. For example, when I took more than 0.25mg of clonazepam per day (like .375 to 0.5mg) and even when I crossed over to just 5mg of valium, I would experience suicidal ideation, depression, huge crying fits, and severe amnesia. I've never experienced these thoughts and feelings before and I''m very aware that these feelings are not actually coming from me. The real me loves life, literally never cries, and always has hope. Now, as I wean down off the valium, all these horrible thoughts and crying fits have gone away. My mind is clearer and I have renewed hope for the future to heal and manage my anxiety better so that I never need to go on benzos again.

 

I have invested in a brain entrainment device called NeoRhythm that helps uses PEMF technology to help me meditate and sleep better at night. I'm also using 10mg of THC Indica oil at night and wow it works so well to chill me out and lull me into sleep.

 

DJ,

 

What rate/method are you tapering?

 

 

[[Un...]]

Thanks to Nova for bumping this thread and to everyone who is sharing and contributing 

 

I remember when I originally posted this, having such high hopes of things just getting better and better.  What I’ve found in my experience is they go up, down and all around.  For instance, last summer (June-July) I was without terror for 6 weeks.  I was also out driving and even going into stores buying a few things here and there.  Listening to music regularly and even dancing a bit.  It was such a blessing!  Although I didn’t feel like myself, I felt the real me peeking through.  After that phase, around the 10mg mark, I entered a new phase where I became extremely hypersensitive to any and all stimuli and became homebound.  Having to lie still in a dim room with EarPods in and only able to whisper if I needed to speak.  It was brutal, but the severity passed in 2 weeks or so.  What has remained is a baseline level of moderate hypersensitivity.  Still keeps me home, except for doc appts and monthly trips to my home in another city.  No longer drive because of this. 

 

My period came back for 5 months, last year (July-November), after not having one for ages.  Hoping it will eventually regulate.  That was a good sign, though. 

 

My sex drive and sex organ sensations came back in September, after being completely numb with some pain since crossing over to Valium in November 2018.  Sex and orgasms send me into waves, so after realizing this I’ve had to be careful about when I engage in any of this kind of activity.  Dammit!  Oh well. Someday it will all get better. 

 

There was a point When I got below 8mg, my GI issues got better and I’ve been able to go regularly, but still use Dr. Shulzes nightly.  Valium has done a number on my GI system, completely shut down peristalsis which is why I’ve had to rely on a supplement.  Even with the supplement and trying everything under the sun, there were weeks I just couldn’t go.  The longest was 6 weeks.  It was a nightmare!  Because of the improvement at lower dose,  I’m confident this will keep getting better and I won’t have to use anything eventually. 

 

My last blood test results show my kidney function is improving.  Valium also greatly affects my kidneys and has had a shut down affect on them.  Higher dose was so much worse.  So grateful they are coming back online, even though the numbers are still out of range.  Not in a danger zone any longer. 

 

I was 95lbs last year at this time.  Now I am 106lbs.  Much needed weight gain. 

 

Depression and SI on this drug have been lethal.  An intense, abysmal void consisting only of feelings of pain, despair, deep, crushing grief, heavy soul aching, self-loathing, paranoid, near-psychosis, feeling a sinister presence inside and out, the feeling of being sucked into a black hole in the darkest night of the soul... Words just do not and cannot articulate how profound this has been.  Those who have had this know.  It is not even “depression”.  It is something far beyond.  Very chemical in nature.  It has colored past, present and future with nothing but the most repulsive and dark feelings.  It has turned even good memories to ones of trauma.  It has disconnected me from connection.  This has gotten better as I’ve reduced my dosage and one of the reasons I have kept moving as able.  I now sometimes get random memories from the past that are pleasant and not stolen by the drug.  My brain is taking them back.  Mostly memories from before the polydrugged years, so before the age of 19.  I have had feelings of connection at times.  Glimmers!  I have been able to draw a couple times, and that is a huge improvement for me as this process wiped my creativity and would not allow my mind or body to be still enough or have the focus needed.  This is still a work in progress.  But I do see a change here.

 

Full blown akathisia has gotten less in frequency.  Meaning, it was raging daily where I had to move, pace, rock, writhe, sit with my knees on my hands so I wouldn’t self-harm, even escape my house and “drive to survive” (as I call it).  Just could not be still in the sheer horror of it.  Not mentally.  Not physically.  No part of me.  It felt so completely all-encompassing that I could not sit inside my own home because I felt trapped, entombed and explosive.  When not having to frantically move (or go driving like I used to be able to), I’ve spent most of the time sitting in a corner in the backyard on a lounge in a tight ball from waking until night time, glued to my devices.  Now I can sit inside on my couch most days for some hours.  Even able to watch some TV or parts of a movie some days.  I’m not as attached to my devices, but still spend most of my time on them.  Unless the stimulation of them is too much.  I smoked 30 cigarettes a day because of the akathisia, had never smoked more than a 1/2 pack a day, prior to my CT.  I’m back down to 1/2 pack and look forward to quitting altogether.  This is still something I struggle with daily, but it is mostly mental akathisia and inner akathisia.  I can see it has gotten better in the bigger picture. 

 

Something huge for me is that I’m feeling stronger in my self.  I’m more assertive and use my authentic voice more often.  For so long I was such a deer frozen in headlights and afraid to say or do anything that might be upsetting.  Had poor boundaries.  Was too frozen by fear and terror (not that these symptoms are gone).  Now, I am just finding it much more natural to honor my needs and value myself.  This shit (both benzos and wd) really did a number on my self-esteem.  Sure does screw up perception.  It’s been a hardcore learning process, having to face myself in such a raw way, without the ability to work or distract or feel a sense of purpose.  Every. Single. Day.  This is paying off.  I don’t take shit anymore.  I can only imagine how much it will benefit me and everyone else to have to dig so deep just to survive a day, an hour, a minute.  Strength like no other. 

 

My husband says he sees and feels me surfacing more.  He says I was pretty out to sea for a long time.  I was.  I’m coming back.  Having more clarity.  Sure it all goes out the window during intense wds and waves, but I feel less poisoned. 

 

Cannot wait for passion and interest to return!  And feelings of pleasure!  Emotional blunting can kick rocks at any time.  Welcoming any and all improvements to come!  Gives me hope to see what all of you have shared and I hope we all keep seeing and feeling progress.

 

Big Love to ALL,

 

Uni ❤️

[[Ma...]]

Uni, that was such a great post of your trip so far with Valium.  It is such a sneaky drug for some of us, because if you don't research it carefully,  you start on it believing it is going to be so much easier until you realize it isn't.  For some of us, it truly is poison and tapering is a struggle.  I try to warn people of this, if I have an opportunity.  Of course, I tell them, it maybe different for them, but I want them not to be as shocked as you and I were.  I am so glad your husband sees you peeking through,I know you have been through hell.

Have you ever listened to Cant's tapering song "Coming Back to Life" by Pink Floyd?  I bet you would love it. 

I have been holding at 8.8 mgs for 5 months now, feel better sometimes, worse others.  My symptoms are still mostly physical but going to start tapering again March 1st.  Haven't decided exactly how, but my husband and I will have long discussion on that this weekend.

Love you girlfriend, thank you for the thoughtful, thorough post.  Hope the next one is soon, and we all get to see more of you coming back.  You are a beautiful spirit.    Mary 💜💜💜💜

[[Fi...]]

Unisom74 said. It is not even “depression”.  It is something far beyond.  Very chemical in nature.  It has colored past, present and future with nothing but the most repulsive and dark feelings.  It has turned even good memories to ones of trauma.  It has disconnected me from connection.  This has gotten better as I’ve reduced my dosage and one of the reasons I have kept moving as able

 

What you have written above is exactly why I have continued to taper, as I am able to, as well.  I knew  I had to get out from under that medication induced depression and the only way to do it was to reduce the medication in my system.

 

I still have withdrawal symptoms when I taper and some of those are depression, physical tension and fear.  But I'm learning the difference between side effects and withdrawal.  Having that side effect of depression lessen has given me more hope.  And hope is what I need to finish my taper. 

 

[[Ma...]]

I am so happy you are doing better FH!!  💜💜💜