Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[Fl...]]

Hey Y’all,

 

I got an alert on this thread and it sure looks like Ive been neglectful. Many apologies. I wish I could keep up better. I was just chatting with a friend who I got to know right here and we talked about how absolutely healing this place had been for us and how much fun we had here.

 

Betsy, especially sorry I don’t reply to your Christmas post. I hope you are doing well and managing to stay renewed in the long journey. It is so challenging to keep hope when everything inside yourself is telling you that you will never get better.

 

I honestly remember thinking that if I could just endure until my family passed on, then it wouldn’t matter what I did. That’s sort of astonishing to me now, that I ever felt that way. I have so much quiet joy right now in just being alive. There are still hardships in life, of course, but so much is so good and I am so engaged. I think it might be the engagement that makes me so deeply happy.

 

I’ll try to do better in getting back here. I think encouraging people is so important and I will do that for as long as I can!

 

Hope everyone is fighting the good find and finding pockets of joy!

❤️

Flip

 

 

[[bo...]]

So good to see this thread again ... it was a saving grace for me in my two plus years of tapering. And now here I am almost a year off.  I try to stay around for others as I know how much it meant to me to actually talk with someone who had got there.. love to all BBxx

[[Lo...]]

Im just going to throw in my 2 cents here for anyone that is struggling. I was completely incapacitated for a year after my jump. Coming up 3 years now and although not 100% yet i am living my life and functional again including working a very physical job 3 days a week.

 

Healing happens even for the long termers.

 

Hang in there buddies

[[Me...]]

Hi I just read your post at 6 months then read your post today so that gave me hope that one day.. one day I’ll feel somewhat better! Do u remember if you ever had heart stuff? Or chest pain going to your back :'(

[[Lo...]]

Hi I just read your post at 6 months then read your post today so that gave me hope that one day.. one day I’ll feel somewhat better! Do u remember if you ever had heart stuff? Or chest pain going to your back :'(

 

Hi im not sure if this question is directed at me but going to answer anyway lol.

 

Yes i had huge issues with dull and sharp chest pain at different times. Tension in my chest and horrendous heart palpitations the first year constantly. 2nd year off it came and went and now 3rd year off it has gone away completely

[[Me...]]

Yes that was to you thank so much for responding! So glad your recovering from this

 

[[Ca...]]

Mendozac I get the chest problems. I went to the ER three times in one month. I wore a heart monitor. I just tell myself it’s gas now and try to psychologically fool myself. I used to have THE worst back, head and neck pressure - it was unreal - it’s lifted for the most part. Try doing some yoga and really stretching open the chest muscles. I think  drinking water w electrolytes - like 100 oz a day - is what helped me most, followed by stretching.

 

[[Pl...]]

Following

[[...]]

This seems like a nice thread- could use some encouragement to keep going. It's been a long time of doing this and I'm tired of it. Looking for some perspective.

[[Ch...]]

I could really use some encouragement. I have been off clonazepam for almost 23 months and Kavinace for almost 6 months. I hit a big wave in mid-March and I was getting a little bit better a week or so ago to now find myself having sleep issues again and anxiety. I've had DP/DR since last Fall and it's gotten worse since Christmas. This wave started with some really bad cog fog and confusion...like I will have symptoms and can't articulate what's happening or how to use my coping skills...it's really hard to explain. I just feel not real and like my brain can't think and it's terrifying. I know we are all supposed to heal, but on bad days that is very hard to believe. It's times like this I start to get scared I have something else; though I don't know what that would be. I feel like I'm stuck in this alternate universe and I'm turning into a vegetable and losing touch with myself and those I care about...just slipping away. It's very scary and I could really use some hope. Thank you.

[[...]]

Nice thread. I wish I had more to add...

[[bo...]]

I could really use some encouragement. I have been off clonazepam for almost 23 months and Kavinace for almost 6 months. I hit a big wave in mid-March and I was getting a little bit better a week or so ago to now find myself having sleep issues again and anxiety. I've had DP/DR since last Fall and it's gotten worse since Christmas. This wave started with some really bad cog fog and confusion...like I will have symptoms and can't articulate what's happening or how to use my coping skills...it's really hard to explain. I just feel not real and like my brain can't think and it's terrifying. I know we are all supposed to heal, but on bad days that is very hard to believe. It's times like this I start to get scared I have something else; though I don't know what that would be. I feel like I'm stuck in this alternate universe and I'm turning into a vegetable and losing touch with myself and those I care about...just slipping away. It's very scary and I could really use some hope. Thank you.

 

 

I think I know what you mean , as I'm experiencing something similar. Its so hard to explain .. it's like I don't feel real at times.im functioning and I doubt others would see anything wrong , but it's like I have to think very carefully about every action I take .. get the cutlery out of the draw, which draw, over there ... seems so silly.. it's like I'm here but not really here ...!! It's not an out of body experience it's just like my brain is thinking in treacle and I have to go slowly. Whatever it's called I don't like it.! And then my health anxiety gets out of hand and I'm thinking I'm in early stages of dementia !! Honest to goodness this is hard going at times! In a weird way it helps to know others are going through the same thing.. nearly twelve months out !

[[Fl...]]

I remember those not feeling real times. Thinking back, I believe that stress was a huge part of that. It seems like when we have too much to do or are too anxious about our performance, it just makes it worse, too.

 

This feeling went away slowly for me and honestly, it hasn’t been that long ago, maybe a year or less, that I would still feel this way once in a while.

 

The cleaner I eat and the better I sleep, the better I feel in my brain, like I’m firing on all cylinders.

[[mp...]]

Hi Flip.

I still have this all the time. It does get a lot worse when I haven't slept well or when I have more than the usual amount of stress.

I have to be very conscious of what I am doing all the time, or else I lose track of what is going on.

I second guess myself all the time because my short term memory is gone, and I don't trust that I've done things right.

All in all though, things are pretty good.

I can read whenever I want now, which is a thrill.

Nice to see you girl.

M.

[[Li...]]

I could really use some encouragement. I have been off clonazepam for almost 23 months and Kavinace for almost 6 months. I hit a big wave in mid-March and I was getting a little bit better a week or so ago to now find myself having sleep issues again and anxiety. I've had DP/DR since last Fall and it's gotten worse since Christmas. This wave started with some really bad cog fog and confusion...like I will have symptoms and can't articulate what's happening or how to use my coping skills...it's really hard to explain. I just feel not real and like my brain can't think and it's terrifying. I know we are all supposed to heal, but on bad days that is very hard to believe. It's times like this I start to get scared I have something else; though I don't know what that would be. I feel like I'm stuck in this alternate universe and I'm turning into a vegetable and losing touch with myself and those I care about...just slipping away. It's very scary and I could really use some hope. Thank you.

 

You and I are so incredibly alike in our symptoms. I struggle with the very same confusion and fog, where suddenly I've forgotten all of my coping skills and everything that I have ascertained in my head that have helped me cope and understand each symptom and what I am going through. It's like all of a sudden I'm starting from the very beginning and I'm lost and confused, even with things that I had felt I had already mentally beaten. That's one of the worst feelings in the world and the confusion often times feels like how people describe dementia.

 

This is all withdrawal. Neither of us had any of these issues before all of this benzo crap. Hang in there, Chi. Sending you good vibes. <3

[[Ch...]]

Thank you. I won't lie, I'm having a horrible time of it right now. The anxiety is terrible, my sleep is far less than what it should be, and I wake up every morning and have to throw up. My appetite is poor and I've lost 6 pounds in under a week. I feel both nauseous and starving most of the time. I'm just physically and mentally exhausted. I didn't think it would be so bad at 23 months out. I think I'll get through this eventually, but it's hell and I don't know what to do sometimes. I could use as much encouragement as I can get, as I feel desperate at this point. I just want to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. No one should have to go through this.

[[tr...]]

I'm starting to get a bit better now, and feel a little hopeful.

I did a CT, polydrugged for 25 years. After 5 months, my husband died. This, and much trouble about the will, high dose Xanor + sleeping pills for 8 months. CT again.

You all know, what we're going through, my text would be a real trigger warning. But, the door of hell was opened, and I got all the symptoms. Stay absolutely bedside for 27 months. My beautiful home, was now a big mess. Was completely powerless, and couldn´t stand upright.

 

Now, it has been 28 months, and I'm no longer bedside. I can be up in shorter moments. Has no anxiety, but palpitations when I'm going to sleep. Benzo flu has also passed. What remains, is weakness and resistance in the body. Don´t tolerate stress, it begins for nothing. So, much has happened during the last month, and I hope I'm in the final stage. You can´t trust the withdrawal, but every day is a step in the right direction. As we usually say, "one step at a time!"

 

 

 

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Hi Flip.

I still have this all the time. It does get a lot worse when I haven't slept well or when I have more than the usual amount of stress.

I have to be very conscious of what I am doing all the time, or else I lose track of what is going on.

I second guess myself all the time because my short term memory is gone, and I don't trust that I've done things right.

All in all though, things are pretty good.

I can read whenever I want now, which is a thrill.

Nice to see you girl.

M.

 

Hey M. Nice to see you!

 

I’m sorry everyone continues to suffer so horrifically.

 

I’m a big fan of a clean diet. I really think that’s when I turned the corner. I quit eating packaged food and started cooking good wholesome, mostly organic things, and eating the rainbow of color in fruits and vegetables. I believe that’s when I started feeling better.

 

Of course, I had a husband willing to cook for me. I know not everyone does. But even small changes like big salads will help. And getting off sugar. That’s a big one in controlling inflammation.

 

It truly does get better. Just keep taking the next right step. Just keep hope and keep moving. It’s all you have to do.

 

Much empathy to all....

Flip

[[wa...]]

Yes - I think I am obliged to post on the thread  since I was so ill and now doing much better.  I never, ever thought the sensation of going down in a spiraling airplane would leave me.  Now look!  Many months later I am abusing myself in normal ways like: exercise, too much sugar, too much coffee, sex, walking around in the heat, driving to New York and dancing, alcohol. 

 

Now, everyone believes that Lunesta is "benzo light".  It was not.  I don't understand how similar it is to other more conventional benzos - but I was sick as hell with interdose w/d where I wanted to go to the ER.  I actually recall feeling too ill to go to the ER.  I felt I couldn't make it from the bed to my husband's car.  It got better for me after many months.  I was on that s**t for a decade and Ativan and Ambien before that and a bunch of ADs.  My poor brain. 

 

But if experiencing normal life problems is a measure of how improved I am -- I'm improved!.  I have marital problems, my son is itinerant and headed for an institution, my dog is dying and my friend is about to die and my Mom -- who was emotionally unavailable during my w/d -  is now acting like my good  buddy.  Ahh life.  I can handle anything now that I'm not in that awful w/d.  I think it'll happen to you.  Make sure you recognize improvement when it hits you on the head or sneaks up on you.  F**k benzos.  I kicked them to the curb and have life problems now.  WBB

[[Fa...]]

I could really use some encouragement. I have been off clonazepam for almost 23 months and Kavinace for almost 6 months. I hit a big wave in mid-March and I was getting a little bit better a week or so ago to now find myself having sleep issues again and anxiety. I've had DP/DR since last Fall and it's gotten worse since Christmas. This wave started with some really bad cog fog and confusion...like I will have symptoms and can't articulate what's happening or how to use my coping skills...it's really hard to explain. I just feel not real and like my brain can't think and it's terrifying. I know we are all supposed to heal, but on bad days that is very hard to believe. It's times like this I start to get scared I have something else; though I don't know what that would be. I feel like I'm stuck in this alternate universe and I'm turning into a vegetable and losing touch with myself and those I care about...just slipping away. It's very scary and I could really use some hope. Thank you.

 

 

I think I know what you mean , as I'm experiencing something similar. Its so hard to explain .. it's like I don't feel real at times.im functioning and I doubt others would see anything wrong , but it's like I have to think very carefully about every action I take .. get the cutlery out of the draw, which draw, over there ... seems so silly.. it's like I'm here but not really here ...!! It's not an out of body experience it's just like my brain is thinking in treacle and I have to go slowly. Whatever it's called I don't like it.! And then my health anxiety gets out of hand and I'm thinking I'm in early stages of dementia !! Honest to goodness this is hard going at times! In a weird way it helps to know others are going through the same thing.. nearly twelve months out !

 

Yes. This. I could have written this!

[[Ma...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

That was an incredible paragraph at the end, very profound, thank u for coming back to us

[[bo...]]

Quote.    'I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.'

 

What wonderful words Flip... you're so right ...this morning I woke early , before dawn , after a restless night. Instead of moaning to myself about my lack of sleep , I embrassed the chance to enjoy the stillness and solitude of the time of day .. just such a shift in my attitude towards life. Can't say I have a complete acceptance around death and dying as yet, but that will come.  Xx

 

 

 

 

[[tr...]]

Fliprain: You wrote, you have felt some kind of magic. That's the same with me. During these difficult times, I have found a faith, which is more spiritual than religious. I have times, when I can completely forget what belongs to life on earth. It's not scary at all, I love these experiences. I have learned to "change channel", to a place where the light is completely different.

 

Without this, very difficult time, I'd clean and clean. I also, as I usually, put myself in the last place to help others. So, in some way, all of this has made me strong, especially on the mental plane. And, I´m extremely grateful. Life has become different, and so much better!

[[...]]

Thank You 

[[Fl...]]

You guys warm my heart. I love that some of you are also finding the subtle beauty underneath it all. 

 

There is a great song called One (I think). I’ll see if I can find it and post it here.

 

I do think we have greater access to or greater appreciation for the simple, profound beauty in life. Especially the beauty of the natural world. It feels like a bit of a rebirth.

 

I’ll try to find that song...

 

Found it!

 

 

I especially like the line, “Underneath what’s detectable with eyes, every particle is vibrating with the one life”.

 

Hope you all find it as meaningful as I do. It still makes me cry with awe.

 

❤️

Flip