Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[Pe...]]

Hi PrettyD

Some days its really hard.  I have some resentment, anger, and sadness that pops up every week at least.  I work at stopping those thoughts immediately.  It's hard, but if I'm really bad I simply focus on a white flag, blue sky, or something very non-emotional.  ANYTHING other than thoughts that could lead to negativity - including any person I know, even best friends, loved ones, etc. cuz I know those can lead to negative thoughts when at my worst.  I'll then tell myself.  Today is a great day, I'm here, alive, drug-free and being a positive influence on all around me for the simple fact I'm clean!

Sadly TV helps a lot, but is not the best therapy.  Exercise is much better.  Finding the time is still eluding me.   But I will get there.

You WILL have a great day!

Dave

[[Co...]]

Howdy Y'all

While in w/d I don't think I could find an angry cell in my body.  I was like a starving baby bird, begging for mama to come back with some food.

When I started to get angry/irritated about things I took it as a good sign I was healing.  Weird, but any emotion besides complete despair was a welcome change.

Tune out the garbage/anger/negativity - it does no good.  Easier said than done but ANYTHING you can do to distract and change focus to something neutral or positive helps retrain the brain.

When you get healed, then you can carry the torch for the fallen.  This weekend I was trolling for anyone anti-benzobuddie, or anti-AA to give them a piece of my mind.  Started penning a scathing response to a review of "AA: Cult or Cure", then simply ran out of steam and discarded it.  I didn't care that I didn't follow through because it was a waste of time and negative.

I'll finish my posts here cuz I figure if one little thing I say helps someone connect, then I've done a good thing.

I firmly believe we all heal from this garbage.  Your brain and body does miraculous things and it's great to prove doctors wrong!

Healing thoughts to those who still suffer!

Dave

 

Anger has been my main emotion in all of this, but I feel this way when I'm sad and cry. I only became sad after 6 months out. And it felt like a blessing. Because I have been through horrible things without being sad about it and that was disturbing.

[[MT...]]

I find I'm super irritable. There's this running commentary in my head that says all of this brutal stuff about the people I'm around. I feel ashamed of this hateful commentary and getting so irritated by the way someone chews or dresses or breathes my air. I manage to keep almost all of it internal but it's hard to like this mean person living in my brain.

[[Sa...]]

MTfan,

 

I too had that really bad, especially towards one family member more than the others but yes almost towards all.  It became less in the last 2-3 weeks and it happend to be the same time that my horrible wave lifted.  I am able to control the hate and resentment more.  There i said it, 2 words i am ashamed of and don't want to carry toxicity around.

 

[[Le...]]

Fliprain, I'm ashamed of my response and behavior towards you on this thread. Your post hit a nerve and I lashed out in anger.

 

These unbearable emotions, anger, fear and pain can be overwhelming. I don't know what happened to the kind young woman who existed before the drugs. I am struggling.

 

That, however, doesn't excuse my behavior. Everyone at BB is struggling. We wouldn't be here otherwise.

 

Fliprain, I wish I could delete that horrid post...but I can't.  I'm truly sorry and apologize for being disrespectful towards you.

 

My one after effect of the taper is a bad back, more specifically a facet joint that is in bad shape. I'm not sure, but it could have been caused by sitting for endless hours in my recliner, most often typing on BB. So, whatever you do, don't stay in one position too long.

 

This is supposed to make me feel better? I'm literally housebound from the physical pain of w/d, a preexisting bad back and knees that are so bad they need to be replaced ("bone on bone"). I thought this would be a safe place to go on BB for support.

 

I'm physically and emotionally drained. Losing weight like crazy, have no strength, my back and knees are  killing me. I have to use a walker to get around the house.

 

I have zero support from family, mother basically ignores me. I'm in a constant state of unbearable physical pain and a deep depression from valium and preexisting trauma.

 

I'm terrified I'll blow another disc in back before this endless nightmare is over, and then I read that someone might have messed up a facet joint from being in a recliner too long during w/d. I didn't need to read that.

 

I want this to be over  :'(

[[Fl...]]

LeftBehind,

 

I sincerely appreciate your apology. I understand your pain. I know how desperation makes us lash out. Honestly, I've done the same thing, unfortunately with the people I love the most. I felt terrible, too.

 

I've had a lot of people misinterpret something I said, get angry, stomp off and never come back. On this very thread, I had a few people get very wounded that I didn't respond to them personally when they made a general appearance. This is the treacherous water of recovery from benzos.

 

I feel only empathy for you and I am not offended or wounded. I understand you are in a place of great pain. I think it's a sign of great character that you come back and leave this message. I will continue to tell the truth here, of course. We all must. If we don't, it makes the great things about healing only so much fluff.

 

Please take care of yourself. Again, thank you.

Flip

 

 

[[Pe...]]

LeftB

Something I've practiced when I'm incensed about anything I read on the 'net is type it out on another program like Word, or Notepad, then re-read it and see if it is worth posting.  I always try to ask myself, "will this post/message help at all?"  If not I just discard.

That being said we've ALL posted stuff we regret.  Don't beat yourself up - guilt/shame is not a healer at all, it keeps us stuck and unhappy.  Apologize and move on.  90% of the people on here are posting cuz they feel like shit and need help.  We all understand things get said that can be taken wrong.  No biggie.

 

Corsair - do you journal?  This can be very therapeutic - write down the nasty thoughts in your head, come back and reread them later.  I do this when I feel so angry I just HAVE to lash out.  I start writing it down somewhere - computer, journal, napkin - usually as I'm writing I feel relief and don't get through it all.  Sometimes I get relief while writing and start to chuckle about how vitriolic and crazy it sounds.  Other times I'll finish and still be angry... but then come back later and think "damn that's stupid" and throw it out or delete it from my computer.  Either way the journaling effect has many benefits - takes our mind away from lashing out, puts those thoughts into something neutral, allows us time to cool off, and allows us to reflect on what we were thinking so we can thing "dang - that's not logical".  Give it a try.

Dave

[[pr...]]

This is the treacherous water of recovery from benzos.

 

 

to everyone here and especially,

 

Petronomicon, Corsair12, MTfan, Saraa, Left Behind,

 

i am absolutely certain it's the benzo brain, being in a wave that we may even not realize that we're in and our very fragile CNS and in the process of healing damaged receptor's that put us into another dimension of hell with extreme anger and resentment that we wouldn't normally be in as much if we were not so injured and fragile with a working balanced brain.

 

the difference of when i am in a wave or at my baseline or in a partial window is so unbelievably profoundly different it's hard to describe or explain at all. i don't know if i am in a wave sometimes until it lifts and my perception about everything changes to a more balanced perspective. the anger is more rational and not filled with extreme terror. when i'm in that other hell dimension every single thought is filled with this terror and absolutely no solution and i can't stand or handle anyone! there is no leeway for anyone. so don't beat yourself up about this and just allow your brain more healing time. the emotional blunting that also has to be processed is there as well. hopefully it will all get processed and we will be whole again.

 

 

Baker Baker baking a cake, make me a Day - make me Whole again!

 

 

http://www.happyholidays2014.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Socialize-Birthday-Cake.png

[[Sa...]]

prettydaisys,

 

Emotional blunting is something ive noticed and if i may add i have a ruthless look in my eye.  Like nothing can make a difference so don't even try look.  I am practicing using my facial muscles more so at least i don't look like i am about to hit them. 

 

 

[[Le...]]

Flip, thanks for graciously accepting my apology. Your response eases my mind.  I took the time today to actually read your signature. And, oh dear, you know exactly what I'm going through. Thank you for dedicating your time and energy to BB.

 

Petro, thanks for the advice on how to deal with posts that may trigger an inappropriate response.  And thanks for confirming what Flip said... most of us have posted things we later regret. I certainly have!

 

The best to both of you.

LB

[[MT...]]

It's so helpful to hear that other people have that mean crud going on in their heads. Sometimes I've worried that my character has changed and I've become a horrible person. Especially when it's about super stupid stuff or about things people can't change (like my son opening his eyes wider when he says certain things or my husband having to work so much at certain times).

 

Pretty makes a good point I hadn't realized until she wrote it. On better days the inner bitch commentary fades, sometimes even disappearing, and I feel more love and compassion instead. I crave those things from others so it can break my heart when I'm feeling critical/mean instead.

[[Le...]]

Prettydasies, you really hit the nail on the head. The waves cast a dark shadow over everything and they negatively  affect how I perceive any and all interactions with others or how I view my progress and healing.

 

I have more waves than windows now. I was doing  much better a year ago. But I was on a higher  dose of diazepam. This is the lowest dose I've been on in 10+ years. That's something I should be proud of.

 

Thank you pretty, flip, and petro. I'm so relieved I found this thread!

[[Al...]]

Today I experienced a milestone and I thought it would be prudent to share my story on this thread for those who are still struggling.

 

My entire life I never liked going to the dentist (seriously who does?) I've had 7 root canals, lots of crowns and I even lost a molar three years after having a root canal. I always go to the dentist for my 6 month cleanings however, the infamous drill is what always made me fearful of the dentist. For the past 10 years I always took 5 mg of valium whenever I was having dental work performed. One of my crowns was loose and there was decay underneath my crown. My dentist told me if he could not save my tooth I would need to have the tooth pulled and then I would need an implant. OUCH! I started to feel concerned about my dental appointment which was scheduled for next Monday. I am currently 53 weeks of a benzo, healed and I knew that I could NOT take even a sliver of Valium to get through my dental appt, it was simply not an option.

 

I repeatedly told myself that if I could heal from a benzo c/t I could survive my dental appointment w/o taking a Valium. I decided to take my nano with me which was my security blanket. I also decided it would be best to rip off the bandaid and face my dental fear now instead of waiting till Monday. Yesterday I called my dentist and I moved my appt up to today.

 

Once I got to my dentist's office I felt serenity and calmness come over me. My dentist is very nice and he was most compassionate about coming off a benzo. I requested a non-epinephrine novocaine (this was the first drug I took in 53 weeks) and of course I had no idea how I would respond to it. I am happy to report that I had no reaction to it and the entire procedure despite being 2 1/2 hours long was SMOOTH SAILING! I had no anxiety while lying in the chair, I felt so calm and I never even listened to my music.

 

If anyone would have told me that I could sit through a lengthly dental procedure calmly and not have to rely upon taking a Valium I would never have believed them. After coming off a Benzo we realize that we can do anything in life. One year ago I was fearful of the cashier at the supermarket and today I was able to have a dental procedure without taking a Valium. The brain is truly amazing and healing is a beautiful thing. The greatest challenge that I ever faced was coming off a benzo and now I can successfully face any challenge or obstacle in my life, and so will you!!

Always Frantastic:)

 

[[Le...]]

AlwaysFrantastic, thanks for sharing! Your personal story does give me hope that I will heal. 

 

BTW, what's a nano?

[[pr...]]

Today I experienced a milestone and I thought it would be prudent to share my story on this thread for those who are still struggling.

 

My entire life I never liked going to the dentist (seriously who does?) I've had 7 root canals, lots of crowns and I even lost a molar three years after having a root canal. I always go to the dentist for my 6 month cleanings however, the infamous drill is what always made me fearful of the dentist. For the past 10 years I always took 5 mg of valium whenever I was having dental work performed. One of my crowns was loose and there was decay underneath my crown. My dentist told me if he could not save my tooth I would need to have the tooth pulled and then I would need an implant. OUCH! I started to feel concerned about my dental appointment which was scheduled for next Monday. I am currently 53 weeks of a benzo, healed and I knew that I could NOT take even a sliver of Valium to get through my dental appt, it was simply not an option.

 

I repeatedly told myself that if I could heal from a benzo c/t I could survive my dental appointment w/o taking a Valium. I decided to take my nano with me which was my security blanket. I also decided it would be best to rip off the bandaid and face my dental fear now instead of waiting till Monday. Yesterday I called my dentist and I moved my appt up to today.

 

Once I got to my dentist's office I felt serenity and calmness come over me. My dentist is very nice and he was most compassionate about coming off a benzo. I requested a non-epinephrine novocaine (this was the first drug I took in 53 weeks) and of course I had no idea how I would respond to it. I am happy to report that I had no reaction to it and the entire procedure despite being 2 1/2 hours long was SMOOTH SAILING! I had no anxiety while lying in the chair, I felt so calm and I never even listened to my music.

 

If anyone would have told me that I could sit through a lengthly dental procedure calmly and not have to rely upon taking a Valium I would never have believed them. After coming off a Benzo we realize that we can do anything in life. One year ago I was fearful of the cashier at the supermarket and today I was able to have a dental procedure without taking a Valium. The brain is truly amazing and healing is a beautiful thing. The greatest challenge that I ever faced was coming off a benzo and now I can successfully face any challenge or obstacle in my life, and so will you!!

Always Frantastic:)

 

 

Hey Fran,

 

that is so awesome!

 

if you can believe i actually had 4 fillings done not too long ago. i don't know how i sat through them myself. i need another 4-5 fillings done but going to wait until more healing and hopefully calmness comes over me. i am going to email you soon.

 

love, Pretty

[[Bu...]]

Prettydaisys, Petro, Corsaire, MT, Saraa, and everyone!

 

I really appreciate this thread about anger, and hateful thoughts. I'm a loving person, and in the midst of the benzo brain's hateful commentary, I cringe at the person I've "become", even though I know it's not really me. I was wondering if anyone else out there struggled with this. Anger has been the dominant emotion for me throughout this experience, and it is so isolating. I feel like my heart is being held prisoner. Thank you all for sharing. It really helped me!

 

Oh, Prettydaisys, is that Baker baker quote from Tori Amos?

 

Much love,

Bubbles

[[Fi...]]

Fran--great story!  Your attitude and approach to all this is so worth emulating.  How many people have horror stories of reinstatement or waves because they hit some point in life where they just felt they had no choice but to pop that Valium?  And actually, they DID have a choice.  They just made the wrong one. I don't know who told me this years and years ago, the idea that you shouldn't say you have no choice in a given situation.  You ALWAYS have a choice.  You may not like your choices, but you have them!

 

And it's not about whether you can justify to others whether you really needed or even sort of deserved that dose, it's about making the right decision that will get you to WELL without further detours.  People need to get into the mind set that, as Fran puts it, a rescue dose is "simply not an option."  Well done, Fran, and thanks for coming back and giving people hope.

 

And for all of you who worry you are permanently stuck in anger mode, I just want to say again that I was there.  Now my brain has healed and I'm not angry.  It's not really something you can think your way out of.  Your brain just doesn't currently produce the right stuff to calm your rage, and of course there are so many real things to be so very angry about when going through this.  But it's really quite simple--if you were a nice person before, not known for lashing out at people, that's who you'll be again.  Actually, you'll be even better, because having gone through this, you'll have more compassion for others than ever before.

 

Hang in there.  You're on the right track and you're going to get well.

 

[[pr...]]

Especially when it's about super stupid stuff or about things people can't change (like my son opening his eyes wider when he says certain things or my husband having to work so much at certain times).

 

 

MTfan,

 

i can relate to being annoyed when someone would say open their eyes wider when they say certain things during this process. i get annoyed at the way my brother's joints crack when he comes up the stairs and there ain't nothin' he can ever do about that.

 

 

Oh, Prettydaisys, is that Baker baker quote from Tori Amos?

 

Bubbles,

 

it sure is! actually "prettydaisys" is from her song "God" on the 'Under The Pink" record -- 'you make pretty daisies pretty daisies love - i'm gonna find find find what your doin' about things here"   she's my favorite!

[[MT...]]

Sometimes the ridiculousness of the irritability/anger/rage will help me see some humor. I mean really, my husband putting hot sauce on his food annoying me or someone making tiny noises is pretty silly. I can only imagine what a horror show I can be like to be around. I try to behave with warmth and kindness but I'm sure I can't cover it all up.

 

Thanks for all of the words of wisdom and understanding from those who've been, or still are, here.

[[Co...]]

Omg yes. I had this with my husband not moving his upper lip enough while talking. It constantly looked like he had botox in my mind (which he did not) And he didn't get this. I was like, please move your both lips equally while talking.

 

Haha, now I can laugh about it , (this was last year) but then it was super annoying.

[[Pe...]]

Corsair - that made me chuckle out loud!

"What's wrong?"

"You!"

"Huh? What?.. what did I do?"

"Your upper lip... "

"What about it??"

"doesn't move enough when you talk. It's annoying."

"uhhh..."

"Look - just move both lips equally and things will be fine!"

 

This needs to be a new thread - 'What we find annoying while bat-sh!t crazy in w/d."  I've got a ton!!

 

FYI - The tip of my ex's nose dips down when she speaks certain words.  Lots of people do this but I would stare while in w/d...

"Why is it doing that???"  :laugh:

 

[[pr...]]

Omg yes. I had this with my husband not moving his upper lip enough while talking. It constantly looked like he had botox in my mind (which he did not) And he didn't get this. I was like, please move your both lips equally while talking.

 

Haha, now I can laugh about it , (this was last year) but then it was super annoying.

 

  that's hysterical!    the ventriloquist. i have the same things with certain characters on some sitcoms. i get so annoyed.

[[Bu...]]

 

 

Bubbles,

 

it sure is! actually "prettydaisys" is from her song "God" on the 'Under The Pink" record -- 'you make pretty daisies pretty daisies love - i'm gonna find find find what your doin' about things here"   she's my favorite!

 

I love Tori too. "Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again." Now that's a great benzo w/d quote 

[[Bu...]]

Prettydaisys,

 

Oops. I was trying to quote you on my above response, and it looks like my Benzo Buddies tech skills need some improvement. At any rate, I appreciate your Tori quotes!

 

Bubbles

[[pr...]]

 

 

Bubbles,

 

it sure is! actually "prettydaisys" is from her song "God" on the 'Under The Pink" record -- 'you make pretty daisies pretty daisies love - i'm gonna find find find what your doin' about things here"   she's my favorite!

 

I love Tori too. "Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again." Now that's a great benzo w/d quote 

 

 

oh yeah! --  that line from "Little Earthquakes" is the perfect benzo withdrawal quote!!

 

Chaffinch83 loves Tori too. i love my Tori peeps!

 

i have seen her in concert every single time she's been to LA since 1995 except this last record i was in acute withdrawal and couldn't go. i hope i will be able to go the next time she is here. okay, sorry thread for the Tori talk.