Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[of...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

 

This My wish for all of us ❤️❤️❤️

[[...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

One of the most beautiful posts around BBs 🙏🌈✨

Thank you for keeping this thread alive! HOPE is our strength 💪

Happy Healing!

Julz

[[Ma...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

 

This My wish for all of us ❤️❤️❤️

 

Incredible post, loved it......thank you for bringing it back, love Mary ☮️💜🙏

[[ka...]]

THANK YOU, Thank you, thankyou!  the above post screams  perseverance & HOPE. So many needed this timely reminder of what lies ahead in this benzo adventure. 

[[Fl...]]

I am feeling especially grateful this evening for a life of meaning and I wanted to log in here to keep reassuring you all that there really is full life ahead for you.

 

I will not forget the times when I thought I was “special” and not in a good way. There were times I thought I had probably done something really wrong with my taper or some other medication and had totally messed up my chances of full healing. I thought maybe I tapered too fast or too slow. I used to stress about the cold turkey I did and then I stressed about reinstating after the cold turkey. I used to be content with just partial life back. But I was gloriously wrong. I feel really good. I’m sleeping long and peacefully and wake up stretching luxuriously very, very often. I took a few tablets of Cipro during my benzo use and assumed I was “floxed”. Maybe I was. But if I was, I healed. I found out I was MTHFR positive and figured that would do me in, but some careful supplementation and a clean diet seems to completely take care of that small detail.

 

No matter how awful you feel right now, I genuinely think that if you will love yourself, be patient with yourself, calm yourself to keep the cortisol levels low, that you will heal fully. I believe you will be better than you were before because you will have learned so much during your journey. You will be head and shoulders above most of your peers because you have deeply suffered and you will appreciate “normal” like they cannot.

 

I am sending strength and hope your way. Believe in yourselves and trust this process. You may be in a dark tunnel right now and you can’t see the light at all, but those of us who have been where you are are here to say just a few more steps, take a few more, keep doing the next right thing and never lose hope.

❤️

Flip

[[Ca...]]

Thank you Flip, for this post.  It is incredibly uplifting.  What's so interesting is that I can't seem to find where I have posted on it previously, yet today I received a notification in my email inbox that I had selected to be notified when someone posted on it.... and today it has been hitting me rather hard that it may be years until I am done tapering the rest of this Valium out, and it has been almost 5 years since I've been well.  Four years spent tapering so far.  I'm feeling so lost in the tunnel at the moment.  Thank you for the hope and reminder that this will eventually be over. 

[[ci...]]

Flip,

Thank you for coming back to give us hope!  I’m struggling now as I get below .05mg k.  Unbelievably, my physical sxs have been ramping up.  I thought I was in the final stretch and it seems like the finish just gets further and further away as I have to slow my DLMT to a snails pace.

 

Also beginning to worry about the next phase...will it be more difficult, the same, or better than while tapering?

 

Circlestar

 

 

[[no...]]

I am feeling especially grateful this evening for a life of meaning and I wanted to log in here to keep reassuring you all that there really is full life ahead for you.

 

I will not forget the times when I thought I was “special” and not in a good way. There were times I thought I had probably done something really wrong with my taper or some other medication and had totally messed up my chances of full healing. I thought maybe I tapered too fast or too slow. I used to stress about the cold turkey I did and then I stressed about reinstating after the cold turkey. I used to be content with just partial life back. But I was gloriously wrong. I feel really good. I’m sleeping long and peacefully and wake up stretching luxuriously very, very often. I took a few tablets of Cipro during my benzo use and assumed I was “floxed”. Maybe I was. But if I was, I healed. I found out I was MTHFR positive and figured that would do me in, but some careful supplementation and a clean diet seems to completely take care of that small detail.

 

No matter how awful you feel right now, I genuinely think that if you will love yourself, be patient with yourself, calm yourself to keep the cortisol levels low, that you will heal fully. I believe you will be better than you were before because you will have learned so much during your journey. You will be head and shoulders above most of your peers because you have deeply suffered and you will appreciate “normal” like they cannot.

 

I am sending strength and hope your way. Believe in yourselves and trust this process. You may be in a dark tunnel right now and you can’t see the light at all, but those of us who have been where you are are here to say just a few more steps, take a few more, keep doing the next right thing and never lose hope.

❤️

Flip

Thank you so much Flip  for coming back to comfort us I hope the others that were so helpful  when you started this thread will also return when they have time to encourage us who feel like its never going to get better or were never going get off the pills, or off before we're ready I'm on my third try and suffering hell permanently worried about being taken off too soon again by yet another Dr or its something else wrong with us besides withdrawal 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

[Guest [NM...]]

Yes. I wish to thank Gary (Gaer) and Annie (Eastcoast62) for sharing their time with us and for being amazing!!!! I'll pay it forward, too. 

[[Al...]]

Hello Flip! I'm so glad to hear that you are doing well. I am 50 months off today and doing great.

 

I will never forget what you told me about healing. I was in a beautiful window which lasted for three weeks and out of the blue I got hit with a brief wave and I felt defeated and disappointed. You told me the fact that I had such a long window means that healing is knocking at my door. I can not begin to tell you how many times I recited that line in my mind and I wanted to share it with others.

 

My advice to everyone is every day that you stay off a benzo, ambien, lunesta and alcohol your brain is healing. We are not in charge of healing however our brain is. Never lose hope or doubt that your brain doesn't know how to revert back to homeostasis. It does!!

 

Always Frantastic :smitten:

 

 

[[So...]]

Thanks for this Frantastic! Very inspirational for those of us who are tapering and those who have jumped. I am going to write this down on a piece of paper. 

[[Fl...]]

I have forgotten how to insert pieces of quotes, but Candice, that tunnel can get so dark can't it? It takes a lot of courage to keep going when you can't see any light at all. I have enormous admiration for those who do not give up.

 

Circlestar if I know anything at all about this, it is that it is unpredictable and not a straight line. Progress looks more like a graph of the stock market - up and down, up and down, but with a general trend up over time. Hang in there.

 

Hi Nova! Long time! Oh, I hope people come back and drop in to say how they are, too. I know people say no news is good news, but there are so many that feel like family still that I'd like to know their status. Yes, that feeling of something besides withdrawal being wrong is always so troublesome. Honestly, I think we should do due diligence and not chalk every single thing up to withdrawal. I remember my multiple diagnoses that mostly went away with time though.

 

NMsafe - so glad to know you plan to pay it forward!

 

Hi Always Huge congratulations on 50 months off!! Its wonderful news that you are doing so well and I completely agree with your advice to trust the brain. It is so, so true.

 

Wishing everyone continued healing and hope for the dark times.

Flip

[[Ma...]]

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

 

 

This My wish for all of us ❤️❤️❤️

 

That was just incredible, thank you so much for the story and the wish.  Just beautiful 🙏💜☮️🙏💜☮️

[Guest [NM...]]

I have forgotten how to insert pieces of quotes, but Candice, that tunnel can get so dark can't it? It takes a lot of courage to keep going when you can't see any light at all. I have enormous admiration for those who do not give up.

 

Circlestar if I know anything at all about this, it is that it is unpredictable and not a straight line. Progress looks more like a graph of the stock market - up and down, up and down, but with a general trend up over time. Hang in there.

 

Hi Nova! Long time! Oh, I hope people come back and drop in to say how they are, too. I know people say no news is good news, but there are so many that feel like family still that I'd like to know their status. Yes, that feeling of something besides withdrawal being wrong is always so troublesome. Honestly, I think we should do due diligence and not chalk every single thing up to withdrawal. I remember my multiple diagnoses that mostly went away with time though.

 

NMsafe - so glad to know you plan to pay it forward!

 

Hi Always Huge congratulations on 50 months off!! Its wonderful news that you are doing so well and I completely agree with your advice to trust the brain. It is so, so true.

 

Wishing everyone continued healing and hope for the dark times.

Flip

 

Thank you again, Flip. I’ve read a bunch of your posts from reading Gaer’s blog.

[[...]]

This is great! Just wish I could really own it, you know?  Like really feel peace knowing it will all heal. But the angst is rough. So looking forward to the other side, to the rest you mention, Flip. To really rest my nervous system. To just rest. Sounds amazing. Your posts make me emotional with joy and hope. I’m getting close but still hard to imagine what a calm nervous system will feel like. Thanks again.

[[St...]]

Just read flip’s post for the first time ever.  :'(

[[ho...]]

I am feeling especially grateful this evening for a life of meaning and I wanted to log in here to keep reassuring you all that there really is full life ahead for you.

 

I will not forget the times when I thought I was “special” and not in a good way. There were times I thought I had probably done something really wrong with my taper or some other medication and had totally messed up my chances of full healing. I thought maybe I tapered too fast or too slow. I used to stress about the cold turkey I did and then I stressed about reinstating after the cold turkey. I used to be content with just partial life back. But I was gloriously wrong. I feel really good. I’m sleeping long and peacefully and wake up stretching luxuriously very, very often. I took a few tablets of Cipro during my benzo use and assumed I was “floxed”. Maybe I was. But if I was, I healed. I found out I was MTHFR positive and figured that would do me in, but some careful supplementation and a clean diet seems to completely take care of that small detail.

 

No matter how awful you feel right now, I genuinely think that if you will love yourself, be patient with yourself, calm yourself to keep the cortisol levels low, that you will heal fully. I believe you will be better than you were before because you will have learned so much during your journey. You will be head and shoulders above most of your peers because you have deeply suffered and you will appreciate “normal” like they cannot.

 

I am sending strength and hope your way. Believe in yourselves and trust this process. You may be in a dark tunnel right now and you can’t see the light at all, but those of us who have been where you are are here to say just a few more steps, take a few more, keep doing the next right thing and never lose hope.

❤️

Flip

 

Thank you so much flip for your inspiring and encouraging posts, it means so much when people come back and do this 

[[Fa...]]

This thread is so encouraging.

Today I'm feeling that "I'll never heal" and "This must be the new me" feelings.

I slept horribly with nightmares last night.  REALLY bad nightmares. 

The nightmares made me wakeup with horrible paranoia.

I just laid in bed and cried and cried, begging God to just stop this nightmare and let me escape from it.

I'm done with it.  I want to claim my life back.

I want my life back.

I pray for all of us here every day, every night.

How do I know I'm not just losing my mind and that I will heal?? 

I'm just so scared this will never end.

But this thread does give me hope.  So many wonderful people here give me hope; if I just look in the right places.

Thank you Flip. 

Thank you so much.

 

[[ch...]]

following x

[[za...]]

Thank you, Filip

[[Re...]]

Thank you for sharing

[[Fl...]]

My heart hurts for those who struggle still. The pain of wondering if you will ever heal can be so intense at times that you just want to give up.

 

I found that I had to go to a higher plane to survive this. I remember telling myself that if I survived, I would spend the rest of my life trying to help. I went back to school at 60 and sat in the classroom with 20 year olds who were so smart and so quick. I felt slow and dull. But my heart was sincere and honest and that was enough. I’m not quite licensed. I have about three months to go, and that ok with me because I am getting to sit with people who are in pain.

 

Not everyone has been on a benzo but a big percentage are or have been. Some people are very, very ill and I cannot help them see that benzos are at least a part of the problem. Since I’m not a prescriber, I can’t tell people to change meds in any way. There have been a few that I have shared my story with, but I think mostly no one really believed me.

 

My husband had a stroke in October. He’s some better now but not quite back. My mom is 97 and lives alone but is needing daily help lately. I’ve slowed down work to help them. My husband was my utter strength during my taper. He used to make me food and deliver to to my recliner. Now I don’t even have a recliner. I remember his care and it is my privilege now to serve him.

 

I’m not sure why I’m saying all of this because this thread is not about me; it is about you. I log on here and the pain is just palpable and simply breaks my heart and makes me angry. But I know we cannot spend time in anger. It robs our soul energy. We have to focus on thoughts of love, light, healing. Our bodies are these big vibrational fields and our thoughts affect our vibrations. It’s so important to have thoughts that are seeking life.

 

I’m going to help here as much as I can to give hope, because hope IS there. Unfortunately, I’m not going to have time to respond to PMs. I really regret that. Maybe someday when my life calms down.

 

Sending you all strength and hope. I am in solidarity with all of you. Trust. Treat your body with ultimate respect. Send your brain and body love. Stand in front of a mirror and say, “I love you. You are beautiful. You are healing.”

Walk a few more steps.

❤️

Flip

[[Fa...]]

Thank you so much.

[[Ma...]]

My heart hurts for those who struggle still. The pain of wondering if you will ever heal can be so intense at times that you just want to give up.

 

I found that I had to go to a higher plane to survive this. I remember telling myself that if I survived, I would spend the rest of my life trying to help. I went back to school at 60 and sat in the classroom with 20 year olds who were so smart and so quick. I felt slow and dull. But my heart was sincere and honest and that was enough. I’m not quite licensed. I have about three months to go, and that ok with me because I am getting to sit with people who are in pain.

 

Not everyone has been on a benzo but a big percentage are or have been. Some people are very, very ill and I cannot help them see that benzos are at least a part of the problem. Since I’m not a prescriber, I can’t tell people to change meds in any way. There have been a few that I have shared my story with, but I think mostly no one really believed me.

 

My husband had a stroke in October. He’s some better now but not quite back. My mom is 97 and lives alone but is needing daily help lately. I’ve slowed down work to help them. My husband was my utter strength during my taper. He used to make me food and deliver to to my recliner. Now I don’t even have a recliner. I remember his care and it is my privilege now to serve him.

 

I’m not sure why I’m saying all of this because this thread is not about me; it is about you. I log on here and the pain is just palpable and simply breaks my heart and makes me angry. But I know we cannot spend time in anger. It robs our soul energy. We have to focus on thoughts of love, light, healing. Our bodies are these big vibrational fields and our thoughts affect our vibrations. It’s so important to have thoughts that are seeking life.

 

I’m going to help here as much as I can to give hope, because hope IS there. Unfortunately, I’m not going to have time to respond to PMs. I really regret that. Maybe someday when my life calms down.

 

Sending you all strength and hope. I am in solidarity with all of you. Trust. Treat your body with ultimate respect. Send your brain and body love. Stand in front of a mirror and say, “I love you. You are beautiful. You are healing.”

Walk a few more steps.

❤️

Flip

 

What a fabulous story, and you give back every day...you are pretty amazing.  Thank you so much for posting.  Mary. 💜☮️🙏💜☮️🙏.    😘😘😘😘

[[Sa...]]

Flip,

I love reading your posts about hope, as Hope is what I need each day.

 

Sorry to hear about your husband, may he be totally well soon.  Such love - providing meals to your recliner.  My husband does so much for me, I am grateful.

 

Thank you for your positivity.  May my next three months be better than the last.