Mentoring - those who are well (or better) reassuring those who struggle.

[[Fl...]]

 

My lips do not move at the same rate, which drives ME buggy!

[[mp...]]

OMG - this stuff is too funny Flip - lips not moving at the same time? Noses dipping down? My hands are weak from laughter. I've missed you.

 

M.

[[no...]]

*bump*

[[Co...]]

@nova1 I know we talked before but can you repeat to me how your prolapse felt? I mean it doesn't come back up anymore :/ I'm going to the doctor today but i'm scared to death. Have been in non stop panick attack

[[sh...]]

Hi Nova I would like to know this too. My prolapse symptoms are bad. It feels like a total body prolapse. All genital area feels sore...feels like im sitting on masses of muscles; sometimes feels like vagina wide open, sometimes feels like im sitting on golf balls and so much more.

 

shania

[[no...]]

@nova1 I know we talked before but can you repeat to me how your prolapse felt? I mean it doesn't come back up anymore :/ I'm going to the doctor today but i'm scared to death. Have been in non stop panick attack

 

 

Hi Corsair  like my anus had been pushed inside out very sore swollen and painful, I remembered when I felt it it felt very bumpy and as if there were tears, but it wasn't torn I also had bad haemorrhoids and bleeding from struggling to go to the toilet. The word to describe how the protrusion felt like my rectum had dropped out of my arse and my Vagina did the same thing at one time it just dropped, no pushing or struggle it just dropped and was hanging low but it got better by its self thank God And for the anal prolapse I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas until it subsided its not an operation job.

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

[[Co...]]

@nova1 I know we talked before but can you repeat to me how your prolapse felt? I mean it doesn't come back up anymore :/ I'm going to the doctor today but i'm scared to death. Have been in non stop panick attack

 

 

Hi Corsair  like my anus had been pushed inside out very sore swollen and painful, I remembered when I felt it it felt very bumpy and as if there were tears, but it wasn't torn I also had bad haemorrhoids and bleeding from struggling to go to the toilet. The word to describe how the protrusion felt like my rectum had dropped out of my arse and my Vagina did the same thing at one time it just dropped, no pushing or struggle it just dropped and was hanging low but it got better by its self thank God And for the anal prolapse I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas until it subsided its not an operation job.

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

I'm praying to god it comes back up. This time it's my vagina. I'm very scared because of it. And of course the withdrawal is giving me panick attack after panick attack. While I'm not this normally, I did not have an anxiety disorder before.

Thank you for your message I really hope it's withdrawal.

[[no...]]

@nova1 I know we talked before but can you repeat to me how your prolapse felt? I mean it doesn't come back up anymore :/ I'm going to the doctor today but i'm scared to death. Have been in non stop panick attack

 

 

Hi Corsair  like my anus had been pushed inside out very sore swollen and painful, I remembered when I felt it it felt very bumpy and as if there were tears, but it wasn't torn I also had bad haemorrhoids and bleeding from struggling to go to the toilet. The word to describe how the protrusion felt like my rectum had dropped out of my arse and my Vagina did the same thing at one time it just dropped, no pushing or struggle it just dropped and was hanging low but it got better by its self thank God And for the anal prolapse I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas until it subsided its not an operation job.

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

 

I'm praying to god it comes back up. This time it's my vagina. I'm very scared because of it. And of course the withdrawal is giving me panick attack after panick attack. While I'm not this normally, I did not have an anxiety disorder before.

Thank you for your message I really hope it's withdrawal.

 

 

Its withdrwal alright, with My vagina, the first time I noticed there was something wrong I was out my friends back garden and went to sit on her wall and my Vagina touched the wall before my butt did!! I was in tolerance  withdrawal for years but didn't know at the time, and  my now Ex  because of not knowing  I was in tolerance withdrwal not attention seeking for nothing as he put it. Commented that ''it don't feel right''. When we had sex at his place two days later with a really puzzled look on his face. As he was trying to figure out what was wrong, and I was freaking in my head thinking it was Cancer but it was all wasted muscle caused by the withdarwal. But it corrected itself without me noticing at first as I was so symptomatic all over like I am now

 

 

I was seriously underweight as well and no matter what I ate could not put weight on yet previously I had gone way over weight for no logical reason as well. The loss of weight was caused by losing all my body fat and muscle waste due to tolerance withdrawal as was going over weight as well. Now I'm over weight once again I did have a window where everything went back to 75% normal but I still had bizzare stuff happening but it didn't hold me back while it was open just unexplained severe pain which came and went  now its all the time  again,  but still didn't know it was all the drugs causing the problems the last window was 2 year's ago

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

[[lo...]]

I too seem to have a rectal prolapse and it worries me more than anything.  It is reassuring to know it can come right. I have made a doctor's appointment for advice.

 

Fiona 

[[no...]]

I too seem to have a rectal prolapse and it worries me more than anything.  It is reassuring to know it can come right. I have made a doctor's appointment for advice.

 

Fiona 

 

 

Fiona  Its unreal what this stuff does to our bodies and how marvellous our bodies are at dealing with it with no outside interference I've been taking pictures of the bizzare things you can see happening to my body and its a lot. I began taking pictures 2 year's ago while in unknown tolerance withdrawal and yet more misdiagnoses.

 

Now I know what was happening and why I intended to put it all in a book to show the world how bad it really gets when I'm able to do it in time, I took picture of everything and every part of my body. So lots of naked pics going on there

 

I've not seen any Benzo books where theres  any illustrations in such grafic detail right down to intimate pictures like I've taken of everything as everything is effected. That's why peopl get worried and not a lot of people go into deep detail about everything  or publish the pictures I've put a few up on here page 2 and 4 on this link but no rude ones................yet!!    http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=150506.0;topicseen#lastPost

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

[[lo...]]

That is an excellent idea for inclusion in a book if you are brave enough. 

 

I don't really have any visual signs on my body.  Just the big belly which has gone now and the prolapse which I don't feel like taking a picture of.  :(

 

I understand why it has happened but don't understand why it would rectify itself! 

 

But I know so little about the workings of the body. 

 

Hugs

 

Fiona 

[[Ki...]]

Hi everybody, I took last dosage of klonopin on 1/31/2015 and I was dying the first couple months I was trying to work at the same time, gave up in July and doctor prescribed me lamictal 25 mg. i don't know why I did not check that lamictal is working on gaba. Stopped lamictal two months ago and the hell  is even worser. Do you think guys that I am in acute again

[[ne...]]

Oh god,

 

Lamictal is working on gaba?? I am taking it, too. So does that mean that as long as I am on Lamictal, I won`t heal at ALL?

I will just shoot myself if that is the case because I am not able to taper.

[[Co...]]

Oh god,

 

Lamictal is working on gaba?? I am taking it, too. So does that mean that as long as I am on Lamictal, I won`t heal at ALL?

I will just shoot myself if that is the case because I am not able to taper.

 

You will heal and you are healing. I don't know the workings of lamictal so wait for someone else to answer that. But even while tapering we are healing so even though you are not med free yet you are healing. Wait until you are stable enough to taper anything else.

[[Ki...]]

Hi everybody, I took last dosage of klonopin on 1/31/2015 and I was dying the first couple months I was trying to work at the same time, gave up in July and doctor prescribed me lamictal 25 mg. i don't know why I did not check that lamictal is working on gaba. Stopped lamictal two months ago and the hell  is even worser. Do you think guys that I am in acute again

 

Hi, anybody knows if I am right!!!!!

[[no...]]

Hi everybody, I took last dosage of klonopin on 1/31/2015 and I was dying the first couple months I was trying to work at the same time, gave up in July and doctor prescribed me lamictal 25 mg. i don't know why I did not check that lamictal is working on gaba. Stopped lamictal two months ago and the hell  is even worser. Do you think guys that I am in acute again

 

Hi, anybody knows if I am right!!!!!

 

 

Hi Kinia  its possible your having withdrawal from the lamictal, I've seen others on here report problems after stopping it abruptly and also it threw them in to a wave so either way all you can do is wait it out and try to keep in mind it will pass. And it could just be coincidence and you were due for a wave no matter what you did. Don't forget healing isn't linear, you can feel good for sometime then suddenly feel like your in acute or worse and also be feeling like hell then suddenly catch a window. Unfortunately there's no magic remedy how we all wish there was except to give yourself and your body time to adapt to the changes however they've come about.

 

But looking at what you've written about stopping work before as you felt too ill I think its just a continuation of the wave as it always gets worse before it gets better. I myself have been in a bad wave for 9 months or longer and I'm still tapering but was in tolerance withdrwal on my regular dose for over 10 year's, but am now noticing tiny subtle changes for the better taking place.

 

But even so at any time it can all go backwards its just the way it goes with withdrwal and healing and its the same for us all time and try to accept that no matter what we're heading towards a better place even when we feel we're not. Its just some get there quicker than others for many reasons its one of the great mystery's of Benzos and psych drugs, some people sprint through for others of us its a marathon but it is what it is. 

 

 

 

Love Nova xxx  :smitten:

[[Ho...]]

Thank you. Your words are soothing to a wary traveller. 

 

I'm moving some of my last progress log post here for encouragement....

 

30 months after taper...

 

I no longer count days and only note it in months because it shows up as a monthly repeating event on my calendar. Sometimes I feel hesitant to come here and write. So many people continue to suffer and it feels like a I dishonor them by saying I feel well. It is not my intention. Still, telling the truth remains my unshakable intention.

 

I have been in a place of near magic lately. Somewhere I read an account of someone having a spiritual experience and he called it a thin place as in the space between being human and being spiritual is gossamer thin. I remember a couple of years ago when I entered therapy Dr. BB asked me what my goals were and I said I wanted to love life before I died. Well, I do. Love life. It's the oddest thing. It has practically no connection to events or things. It is about people and relationships and how I feel in the world. I feel an ease inside my skin that I think I have not felt since pre-adolescence. Things feel right and on purpose.

 

Today I walked my neighborhood mile twice just because it felt so great to do it. It felt great physically, mentally and emotionally.  I feel  healthy and flexible and alive. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and I didn't care. I felt interested in the mechanics of it and completely removed from the inconvenience. I feel patient and present. I do not remember being any happier in my life.

 

Maybe life brings us all to our knees in order to heal us. My knee bending episode happened to be benzo illness. At least one of them. Without it, I'm not sure I would have stopped my headlong dash that was largely unconscious in its direction. I was living life happily most of the time, but it was missing a level of awareness that I now have. Maybe age itself would have brought that awareness, but I doubt it.

 

The big things that are different for me are that I have come to expect and accept loss as a normal part of life, including my own decline and death; I feel safe in the world for the first time ever; I feel like I am not alone, and I feel like there is purpose in things that happen. I feel like the world is bright for me according to my perception at the time, and lately I have been given these gifts of seeing those thin places and feeling so hopeful.

 

Sometimes the tinnitus is very faint. Sometimes it is a low whine. Sometimes it's a hiss. It's only on the right side. That's where I often get a headache, right in that space between my ear and my eye. It's there right now, the hiss and the headache. These things keep me grounded and I do not resent them. They remind me. They remind me of where I used to be and I feel such profound gratitude that I want to whisper so as not to disturb fate and draw attention to myself.

 

I am at the oasis. I wish I could come back and bring water to all of you who are still traveling. I wish I could come back and walk a few miles for you, carry you, even. I wish I could walk along side you and murmur low words of hope and encouragement that it does get so much better, that the colors are brighter and the air is sweeter and sometimes even this 60 year old body wants to skip or run or dance or throw itself on its backside in the grass and find shapes in the clouds and giggle with awe. There is ease ahead. There is rest.

[[Lo...]]

Hi guys ,  really struggling with a bad wave right now. Crazy cottonbrain and depression. Copping 4 seasons in a day and when you get this far out you really start to doubt recovery. Was good to read through this thread and read some hopeful stories of people recovered.

[[Fl...]]

It's so good to log on and see that this thread continues to be alive. Thank you to everyone who has contributed support. It is a magnificent thing. There is great power in peer support. Not much means more to someone stuck in the dark tunnel than to hear from those that are further along and now standing in the daylight.

 

I'm at around 43 months out. I'm 62. I just finished a rigorous year in a master's program on my way to becoming a counselor. I sat in the classroom with 20 year olds. There were some very rough spots, I won't lie, but it wasn't about benzos. It was about my own struggles with feeling old and inadequate.

 

Monday I start an internship at a hospital, primarily working with heart patients. It is a wonderful spot for me to learn. Also, I'll work at a residential treatment facility. I will be able to be in direct contact with those who are withdrawing from all manner of addictions. School is simply the price for this privilege.

 

I don't know just how effective I will be with helping people with a benzo issue. Legally  I'll not be able to give treatment advice. I can only tell of my own journey. I can only let my life speak. That's the most powerful tool I have.

 

We have all come so far. I firmly believe this misfortune we have been through can be turned into something of great value. No, we won't all be counselor's, and we won't all go back to school. That wouldn't make much sense. But what we will all have in common is the knowledge that we are wounded in a fundamental way and that we can turn that wound into a gift by telling our story in a measured way, and by letting our lives speak of the incredible strength we have gained along the way, the different way of seeing, the shift in values, and the desire to live this amazing life with presence and dignity.

 

Thanking you all for your endurance and fortitude. Honoring your journeys.

❤️

Flip

[[mr...]]

Thanks Flip for coming back again and again.

Your story is truely one of an amazing miracle that keeps helping many others get thru this incredibly difficult journey.

 

[[Ki...]]

I ask myself every single day is this is possible, I even have anxiety after eating. I am 16 months off and I don't see so much improvement, I am giving up

[[Sa...]]

Kinia,

Please don't give up.  I also stopped K Jan 2015 and am going thru a rough time.  But the windows in between are a sign that my body has the ability to get better and its trying.  Please give yourself this chance to get through the second year that some people say its harder than the first year.  Let's be here for each other, we have no one else.

 

[[ma...]]

I ask myself every single day is this is possible, I even have anxiety after eating. I am 16 months off and I don't see so much improvement, I am giving up

 

Kinia, please don’t give up, look how far you have come.  You have been doing an absolutely awesome job so far, keep going.  I know this process is slow, but I promise that you will get there eventually. 

 

I understand what you’re going through, I do know how easy it is to lose hope and want to give up.  You have got to dig your heels in right now, this will pass and you will make it!  recovery could be just around the corner.

 

Hang in there, girl!!  It really does get better

 

Magrita

 

 

[[MT...]]

Kinia, a month ago I had the same feelings you describe. I felt like I was making no progress and I was only enduring most of the time. In the past 2-3 weeks there's been a real change. Not every day, but many days now I feel a decent percentage of normal. There are still symptoms there but not as bothersome. Some of us just take a little longer than others. Even if this goes back and forth for a while I want to remember that all of this is a sign of healing. You have the strength and determination to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get there. We all believe in you.

 

Flip, thank you for your compassion and generosity with your time in sharing your story and words of encouragement with us and the folks you'll work with in the hospital. You're gonna rock being a counselor!

[[no...]]

*bump*