6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

Life...you are such a dear person...I know you are going to come back up to that ' nearly healed ' baseline again as your life stressor passes...I am so thankful for your presence on this thread and wishing you 100% healing...coop

 

 

Coop, it is so good to hear from you... I think this thread is so unique because here we are almost 12 months out and not healed yet... that poses questions on how long is healing?.... I do believe that 14 months is a big threshold but what gets me is why do these wave last so long like with you and me and Mommr and others so late in the game?  Why after so much we have endured? these big and LONG waves? We will never know why but we sure will probably never stop asking.

 

God bless all but  I am in a window these past few hours but I must rest..... my brain feels like a sneaker that has tumbled in the dryer way too long. 

 

Love to all!

 

Life

[[ga...]]

Life...I hope you're right on the 14 months.  Being just beyond that now and having one of the worst waves since I got off the Ativan.  Not sure if some of the external stressors are the cause.  It's there and I have to deal with it.  I think I've had a fairly good attitude going through this the past year, however, I am truly being tested to the limits lately. I made the mistake of going to the protracted w/d board and that scared the you know what out of me.  I know it's a small minority but there still are those suffering years later.  I really shouldn't have jumped to that board but my patience is being tested once again and I just had to see what others at the 14 month plus point are experiencing.  There are many folks on this board with such a positive attitude.  We need to hold onto that even in those down times. 

[[pe...]]

Just caught up on all your posts. Lots of waves, the long carousel ride. I'm sorry for all of your suffering. It has gone on too long. But you are all amazing. A little longer. A little further.

 

After four decent days, dr hit pretty hard. I'm tired and that makes dr worse for me. I'm planning on a lot of sleep tonight. Maybe it will improve my chances for tomorrow. Yesterday I spoke freely and looked people in the eye. Today I couldn't look people in the eye no matter how hard I tried. It's not over yet, but damn I'm grateful for the break. It took 18 months to get here, that four day stretch. It's a hopeful thing.

 

All I have is time. And my friends. And some positive affirmations. Healthy food. Warm bed. Exercise. Breathing. Massage on Saturday. More than I realize.

 

I'm holding you all in thought. HH, MommyR, Green, Jenny, Lisa, Sky, Jrod, Life, Nova, Coop, Garton,Whoot, Drew, Mrs.

This is an amazing thread. Because this is a time of needing great courage and great support.

 

I'm riding the unicorn on the damn carousel. Because I might be starting to believe.

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

Jrod-- so glad to hear of some improvement for you!

Life-- so happy you are in a window, enjoy it

Peace-- you sound so much better in your posts, I'm glad you are getting a little break!

Garton-- I noticed when I started to slack on my exercise my depression came back, so keep up the exercise I think it will help you.

Mommy, coop, green-- how ya doing?

[[Co...]]

Life...very glad to hear you are getting a few hours of window...you have more than earned it. The only difference I can pinpoint about my waves now and in acute is that now my waves seem to be concentrated on one s/x instead of a slew all at once. For me it is head s/x. If it were not for the head s/x I would be at 80-85% almost every day. However the head s/x feed s/x that have since improved such as anxiety and very dark health fears.. Many of the s/x I suffered in months 3-6 are better The crawl out of your skin jitters... the morning adrenalin...the insomnia...much of the random fear....the need to stay in bed all day...all are better. The head pressure and dizziness has replaced it all...and taken up all the space that some of those long ago s/x vacated. I can relate all of my remaining s/x to head issues. I will say that for me as well this long wave was precceded by a lot of stress around a phone conversation with social security and days of unwinding a problem with my benefit that had been resolved several years ago. It turned out to be a clerical and records snafu but it took days and several phone conversations faxes. etc etc to unwind it. It triggered everything....So I guess I am thinking that for me this one s/x is making me as sick as several did in acute and ongoing stress beats up my still fragile cns...

......Life are you still suffering several s/x or just one or two that mega s/x....enjoy your window Life ...we could see s lot of healing in months 12-14- 16....read Analog 's success story,  it is excellent....so good to see you Life...coop

[[Co...]]

Peace...your post is wonderful...4 days...you deserve every moment of those 4 days..You sound so good ...and encouraging. You are on your way MightyGirl ...and pulling us along with you. Lasso that unicorn girlie....coop

[[Co...]]

Whoot...you sound so good. I wrote you a post earlier today but I don't see it now. I am having wifi problems...and fog fog so it may not have posted. You sound like a different person than when we first met you. You have done a fabulous job of getting yo month 6...jump on the back of Peace 's unicorn...youbare going to get through this too. So happy to see you back...coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... maybe for some of us we have traded that "roller-coaster on steroids" for the seemingly unending "carousel" ... round and round ... in the sunlight ... in the shadows ... round and round ...

 

And the frustrating thing is we have to stay on it until it stops ... we have promised ourselves we would stay "on" it until the "ride" stops ... so ... which "seat" would you like ... the pony ... the sleigh ... the elephant ... which one is your favourite ...

Now ... if they would just vary that music a little this "ride" might be more bearable ...

 

The "ride" does end ... the "music" does stop ... says so right here on my ticket ...

 

 

Pony, please

[[Gr...]]

I'll climb on the big rat with the saddle.

 

That is downright twisted.  I think I like you!  But very bad for my intrusive thoughts, lol

[[Gr...]]

Hey guys;

Friday evening attended a weekend mens catholic retreat.  Friday evening was feeling like crap typical racing thoughts anxiety and doubting I'd be able to sleep away from home.

 

I did not sleep at all. Sat. Morn.  Nausea, dizziness, crazy thoughts "Ill never get out of this".

Wanted to get in my car and drive hm but realized I'd feel the same way no matter where plus I'd get down on myself of not sticking it out.

 

Sat night felt better and slept a solid 7 hrs. Sunday morn zero anxiety felt almost whole all day and through evening but was having a cough and felt a cold/flu coming on. Sunday night felt terrible flu symptoms and they continue today. Have not slept much at all last 3 nights. Heavy cough sneezing stuffy feeling of chest and sinus. Dr did throat culture and advised mucinex & Zyrtec.

 

Bb Parker said mucinex was safe as long as only ingredient is the expectorant and advised against the Zyrtec. I started the mucinex today and felt some sx like nervousness. Anyone comment on the effects of cold/flu ramping up WD symptoms as well tips on getting by during process ?

 

I am happy to say that for the first time in many months since Sunday the anxiety depression which I would get every other day has began to ease,for the exception of Monday when I had a bout of depression but the flu may have made the sx worse and it was still lighter than the train wrecks I was experiencing. All that praying!!

 

There was a bb Angel on the remeron thread that told me it took her 3.5 months to notice slight improvements and 4-6 weeks after that to resolve. I'm at 3.5 months off the rem and noticing lots of  clarity that has lasted into the following days with minimal to no anxiety and have not had any heavy depression for over a week.

 

I always thought the bulk of my despair was the darn remeron. Some people can tolerate it and some go through the most horrendous experience imaginable (me). My dr says I got a double whammy & don't get too comfy cause sx most likely will come and go.

 

it's been pretty much constant acute suffering since march for me I know I still have a ways but I see some Hope this will begin to ease.

 

Pls advise on cold/flu/cough ideas,

 

Thk u all , jrod

 

Jrod,Looked at your signature.  Given that you came off the rem and benzos, and it's only four months, you're doing better than you think.  It's going to be uncomfortable.  It was good you stayed at the retreat instead of coming home.

 

The cold.  Can you handle Theraflu? whatever you take, be cautious and only take a little at first to see how you handle it.

 

Feel better

[[Gr...]]

Just caught up on all your posts. Lots of waves, the long carousel ride. I'm sorry for all of your suffering. It has gone on too long. But you are all amazing. A little longer. A little further.

 

After four decent days, dr hit pretty hard. I'm tired and that makes dr worse for me. I'm planning on a lot of sleep tonight. Maybe it will improve my chances for tomorrow. Yesterday I spoke freely and looked people in the eye. Today I couldn't look people in the eye no matter how hard I tried. It's not over yet, but damn I'm grateful for the break. It took 18 months to get here, that four day stretch. It's a hopeful thing.

 

All I have is time. And my friends. And some positive affirmations. Healthy food. Warm bed. Exercise. Breathing. Massage on Saturday. More than I realize.

 

I'm holding you all in thought. HH, MommyR, Green, Jenny, Lisa, Sky, Jrod, Life, Nova, Coop, Garton,Whoot, Drew, Mrs.

This is an amazing thread. Because this is a time of needing great courage and great support.

 

I'm riding the unicorn on the damn carousel. Because I might be starting to believe.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, you're going to get a lot of mileage out of that four day break.  This is all about time, buying time, surviving from window to wave to window. 

 

And yes, these are hard days, times of needing great courage and support.

 

So happy for you.

 

[[He...]]

Hi 6-12 month folks,  I am in the first week of month six. Please someone tell me this morning anxiety gets better. I get up, have a protein drink and walk around. Never have coffee or sugar. Any suggestions appreciated. It is a miserable feeling.

Thanks.

~allisonleigh

 

Hi Allison,

It really DOES get better. My morning anxiety used to be HORRIBLE!!  I would wake up every morning in a panic, usually at 4:00 (often on the dot, which is weird).  I would try to calm down and stay in bed, but it was so hard.  I would get up at 5:00 to take my dog for a walk, meeting a friend who was aware of my w/d process, and the whole time I was filled with fear.  We'd do our 2 1/2 mile loop, I'd go take a shower and get ready for work, and I'd invariably start gagging when I'd brush my teeth because I was so filled with anxiety it made me sick.  I needed to eat, but the nauseous made it so hard to do.  I'd slice apples very, very thin and take small nibbles.  I'd also make a peanut butter sandwich and take miniscule bites, chocking it down.  Sometimes large doses of vitamin C helped.  By 11:00 or so my anxiety would usually lessen.  This would happen every. single. morning.  AWFUL!

 

Now, though?  I can sleep in if I'd like!  I can lay in bed and cuddle with my husband, I can drink 1/2-caff coffee, I can eat a normal breakfast, I can fall back to sleep if I wake up too early.  It's so wonderful to be able to brush my teeth without gagging!   

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Jrod-- so glad to hear of some improvement for you!

Life-- so happy you are in a window, enjoy it

Peace-- you sound so much better in your posts, I'm glad you are getting a little break!

Garton-- I noticed when I started to slack on my exercise my depression came back, so keep up the exercise I think it will help you.

Mommy, coop, green-- how ya doing?

 

Jenny, tired these days.  I was just reading the posts tonight and wondering when the hell we're all going to feel better.  You and Life are coming up on a year.  But the good news is -- we can't all be screwed for life.  There are so many people on this thread feeling bad that it has to be withdrawal, it has to be normal withdrawal, we can't all be protracted (beyond the 22-24 months, I mean)

 

When I said I was okay with two years, I thought it would be getting a little easier after the first year.  And maybe it will.

 

How about you, how are you feeling these days?  How is the POTS and breathing?

[[Gr...]]

What in the hell is going on?  Why is everyone feeling so bad?  Life, Coop, Nova, Peace, Lisa, Whoot, Sky, Gart, and I'm sorry if I missed anyone, (Jenny, I don't know how you're feeling)  not only are we feeling awful, we're feeling awful at the same time.  It has to be normal withdrawal, right?  But so far out? 

 

Good night. Feel better, everybody.

[[Mo...]]

Dear friends.

 

After a week from hell, this wave is done!  I am just beginning month six off of ativan.

 

I was able to enjoy a visit with some friends and half a day catering prep with a friend.  Must enjoy this window.  The sun shines today as well after a big cold and wet week which coincided with my wave.  Imagine that.

 

Better days ahead.

 

Domestic Advisor

 

Yay!!!  So happy for you DA.. Really celebrating with you.

[[wh...]]

Coop!!! Hi girl.  You sound good.  I'm not sure we really see how good we are when a wave hits it all just seems as bad as before but when we come out we see....to me you sound great

I am better some days and curled up in a ball parts of others...you know.  Sorry about the head pressure; that is one I don't seem to get too much....my pressure is all in my solar plexus and ribs....ugh.  Still breathing though.....stupid benzo lies.

Have a great night; hope we all sleep well.  It made me happy to hear from you. 

Love you and your strength; you have been a light in the storm for many of us; I hope I am a little help to you.  Sweet dreams.

[[Mo...]]

Catching up on everyone's posts.

 

Enjoyed my super amazing break today by laying in bed watching korean dramas and eating ramen.  Fell asleep and took a nap too.  It was really nice.  Around 5pm I started having what felt like a boomerang affects from the atarax.  Ah well, it was great while it lasted. 

 

It was really nice to have such clarity and be 'normal' again.  It showed me the difference sleep can make.  Wow!!  I am sorry we all have to walk this path, but man am I glad to have such an amazing crew to travel it with.  I have not doubts everything we talk about is w/d ..from questioning ourselves to the pain and suffering.  The big question is how much longer. 

 

The biggest change for me is that even with this thing raging for 8 weeks, I am still really functional.  I'm not 50,000 leagues under the sea. 

 

Life, maybe the whole 're-entry' thing tests our CNS too and that is why we have these big waves so far out.  Kind of like playing on a newly healed broken bone or sprain.  It's not quite ready but we tried.  The problem is we have to work and get up and function anyways.

 

I really truly absolutely believe we all heal.  It's been repeated to us too many times by trustworthy people who have walked where we have and have seen this scenario play out over and over. 

 

Peace, Yes!!  A break.. it's so wonderful.  So glad you have hope and a break!  It's so good after so long.  Today will pass.. tomorrow is another chance.

 

Nova - It is wearing.. boy do I understand.  Trying not to go on a feeling, but go on knowing.  That is the trick.  Too bad I'm a terrible magician!

 

Woot - Yes, the thoughts vanish completely.. like they were a memory of memory.  Something far in the past... an old life.  Not even something I thought about.  Like a bad relationship from high school.. totally forgotten and trivial

 

jrod -  I am trying to remember what I have done during this.  Honestly, I don't like taking meds anymore.  I usually suffer suffer suffer a cold until it passes.  I have really good luck with a room humidifier.  I don't take the cold meds.  I have had to take cough meds (codeine tylenol) with antibiotic and it did not affect me adversely.  So for me I tough out a cold.  Maybe make some chicken bone broth to sip.  If you get to coughing and wheezing, do the humidifier first.  I can see the mucinex helping but drink lots of water.  I am sorry this is such a struggle, but each day is one closer to it being done for good. 

 

Green- Hilarious picture.. The birds?

 

Coop - I understand one s/x being as bad as 10.  The intensity is really difficult especially when they affect our bp or cause pain that would send the average person running to the ER, sure they were dying.  We know have to ignore the very signs we are warned about.  Today I was actually 'boaty' and had that tall sensation!  What???  These are things I didn't have during taper and only tasted of for a minute in the first months after.  However, these are also signs of the brain healing itself.  So YAY!!! I am having s/x ..

 

HH- Good to see you pop in again.  I love that you are sleeping in and cuddling hubby while sipping 1/2 decaf... Ah, now it's my turn.. (to cuddle my hubby, that is..hehe)

 

Jen & Garton- You know I feel ya on the no sleep thing.  It is like clock work when it happens.  I got noth'in for ya except extending the promise to you that is given to me.. it will pass.  You will sleep thru the night again eventually.  Drink the tea, don't eat sugar, take a bath, pray before you go to bed and know that this is only temporary.  Try a benedryl if you want.  I get up and watch tv or listen to sermons on my phone with my eyes closed.  My counselor tells me to ask God what he would like to talk about since I can't sleep.  I keep a list and pray for others and myself during those times (or watch my Korean Dramas!!..aigoo!).  It will pass.  You will sleep again.  Also, I was told to get as tired as possible during the day.  Work out, stay active and don't go to bed until I am super super tired.  If I get 5 hours then I call the night a success.  I no longer demand the 8-9 hours I needed before this started. 

 

Sky - We will not have the celebration in NY without you, so hang tight.  No snarling necessary.  I really can't wait to share the wealth of information I am learning from this experience.  You and Sussie CT'd, so I am especially excited to see when this turns around for you.  It is going to be a huge help for others when you are done.

 

Lisa - I thing Green had a lot of wisdom the 'if you have breaks it's prob w/d".. that whole 'there's yer sign' thing.  I am rejoicing you had a break, but know the dread when the pain and suffering comes back up.. what is that old song.. 'when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be''.. except in this case I claim 'on earth as it is in heaven' and plan on rejoicing with you when this done!

 

Did I forget anybody?  I wouldn't want to miss handing out some more pearls of wisdom!!!  hehe

 

Okay, the monkeys have broken free of their cages and are turning the house into a jungle.. bed time calls..

 

Until tomorrow,

MommyR

 

PS.. Merry Go rounds make me sick, so I guess i riding in the chair thing, head between my knees!

 

[[je...]]

Jrod-- so glad to hear of some improvement for you!

Life-- so happy you are in a window, enjoy it

Peace-- you sound so much better in your posts, I'm glad you are getting a little break!

Garton-- I noticed when I started to slack on my exercise my depression came back, so keep up the exercise I think it will help you.

Mommy, coop, green-- how ya doing?

 

Jenny, tired these days.  I was just reading the posts tonight and wondering when the hell we're all going to feel better.  You and Life are coming up on a year.  But the good news is -- we can't all be screwed for life.  There are so many people on this thread feeling bad that it has to be withdrawal, it has to be normal withdrawal, we can't all be protracted (beyond the 22-24 months, I mean)

 

When I said I was okay with two years, I thought it would be getting a little easier after the first year.  And maybe it will.

 

How about you, how are you feeling these days?  How is the POTS and breathing?

 

I'm feeling pretty good Green... POTS has been a little better, I'm feeling a shift or change in my healing I think my baseline is up again. I was in a bad wave a few weeks ago, now I can barely remember how bad it was-- crazy how that happens huh?  Like coop I'm still having the head pressure/cog fog, but I can really feel I'm healing.  Jenny

[[wh...]]

Good morning everyone;

MommyR, Green, Healing, Coop, Garton and everyone..... thanks for the encouragement. I woke up last night and I couldn't control my fear and anxiety.  I totally fell apart and I was begging God and my poor guy to help me.  I felt so hopeless and afraid; full of fear and dread.  There was nothing to be afraid of and that confused me so much.  I've been through this over and over but everytime it comes back it feels as bad as the last time.  It's been better for a while so this is very discouraging. 

Somewhere in my mind I know I am better than before but OMG what a horrible night.

So afraid to lose this wonderful man I've found; so afraid I'll never be able to work again because of this; just typing this is making me shake inside.  Sorry to be a downer but I just need to know if this happened to you guys.  Total despair; don't know how I can make it through today.  Doctors will just want to put me back on benzos.

I was doing so well. It's so hard to see how good you felt when this happens. 

Some help please guys; I'm desperate .......... Please talk to me.

[[do...]]

Dear friends.

 

After a week from hell, this wave is done!  I am just beginning month six off of ativan.

 

I was able to enjoy a visit with some friends and half a day catering prep with a friend.  Must enjoy this window.  The sun shines today as well after a big cold and wet week which coincided with my wave.  Imagine that.

 

Better days ahead.

 

Domestic Advisor

 

Yay!!!  So happy for you DA.. Really celebrating with you.

 

Thanks MommyR!

 

Just wanted to add that during a wave my sleep is fragmented.  Last night was a wonderful 8 hour sleep.  Felt energized again and had a great 5k power walk this morning.  The sun is shining.  Only 7  degrees celcius, but a lovely sunny day ahead.  Plan to work in my garden, bake for the family and do.some more prep for an upcoming wedding with my friend.

 

Next week, I am going on a camping excursion with my daughter and her class.  Should be fun.

 

Domestic Advisor

[[ga...]]

whoot...All I can tell you misery loves company.  Your night sounds like a carbon copy of mine. I took Nyquil hoping to get some sleep.  Well I did until 2 a.m.  then I was up for the night.  All kinds of horrible thoughts similar to what you were dealing with.  I can feel your pain.  It is tough when you lay there feeling hopeless and fearful of losing what in life you most value.  I thank MommyR for her words of encouragement.  I want to believe that this will begin to improve for us before too long.  I just am looking at all the negatives instead of the good and positive in my life.  I am in such a rut with the early awakenings and fear that goes with it.  Let's hope the pattern breaks before long.  We have to find the inner strength to go on.  Best to you who are suffering..it will improve.

[[wh...]]

Garton-thank you. It is so hard some days. I have so much to be happy about but I can't feel it when I go to "that place".  I think intrusive thoughts are the worst symptom for me right now. Sometimes I think it's unbearable. 

I get windows.  I hope you do to.  You totally forget the good feelings when you hit that wall of despair; feel so alone. If it weren't for you guys I would think I was bat ass crazy.  What's so horrible is that a rational part of your brain can see the craziness of the thoughts but you can't stop it.  Some of the regular anxiety control techniques help a little.....

We just have to get through this......again.....

Thank you for getting back to me....I feel your pain. When I wake up like that I try to remember that my buddies are out there too....

maybe some are lying awake just like me terrified of this whole thing.....I don't wish this on anyone though but being alone in it would be unbearable.  Love and strength to you....thank you. 

I'm going to get out there today and feel the sun on my face and know that this to shall pass.

[[No...]]

Whoot ... drop all the past tense stuff ... you are doing better ... and stop "future-telling" ... there are enough fortune tellers in Saskatchewan ... the union won't allow another one ...

 

And yes ... yes .. yes ... we are all where you are ... the terror and despair is sometimes only the next breath away ... and somewhere a few breaths along this all eases out again ... SLOW DOWN ...

 

We can't help being scared ... that's allowed ... being angry and upset ... that's allowed ... being so damn confused we can't recognize which side is up sometimes is allowed ...

 

And the Whoot we know and love is still there ... kind to herself ... encouraging to herself ... just as she is kind to all of us and encourages all of us ...

 

And breathe ... and breathe ... and breathe ...

 

How is your weather today? ... What's for lunch? ... What colour socks are you wearing today? ...

 

You have done all this way too many times to not recognize where you are if you give yourself a few moments ... and a few slow breaths ...

 

Take care ... I will be here for about half and hour ... I have to work then ...

 

Hugs

 

 

 

 

 

[[ga...]]

Your soooo welcome.  Amazing how what you say mirrors me spot on.  I like to say this too shall pass.  Let's keep at I ttogether and hopefully we win this battle before too long.

[[No...]]

Hi Garton ... another lousy sleep, eh ... these long restless nights are tough ... and they will get better, some day ...

 

The only thing I have "lost" through this whole process is the drug ... and that was intentional ... and yes, there have been many changes for me ... lots of things and relationships shifting ... and learning a whole bucketful of stuff that I was too drugged up to be aware of for many years ...

 

There are blessings within this process ... slowly as we move along we recognize them ... in some ways like a never ending supply of Christmas presents ...

 

And yes, there are really tough times ... we get through them ... and rest a little ... and move on to the next breath ...

 

Take Care