6-12 month thread....

[[wh...]]

Nova, Garton

Good advice Nova.....thank you.  I do see that I am better....I will be myself again...I am still myself....fun and happy and healthy and kind.  Thank you for getting back to me.  I will read that over and over again today. 

No socks....furry boot slippers; beautiful sunny day;  I will meet my sweetie for lunch.......

I can't let it drown me.  I am ok.  this is all just withdrawal.   

Breathe.  Be present.  Be strong.

Thank you.  Have a good day my friend way out there in Nova Scotia.

How is the weather there?

[[No...]]

Whoot ... the weather is wonderful ... end of summer stuff ... my favourite time of year ... spent the morning cooking and out for a walk ... had another lousy night ... oh well ... it is what it is ...

 

I am so much better than I was a few months ago ... and I still have some way to go yet ... enjoy your lunch ...

 

[[wh...]]

Nova;

That's awesome; I love autumn too.  Leaves are starting to change here too.  Pumpkins, MacIntosh apples; Canada Geese being obnoxious practicing there flying Vs.....lol

I see the beauty and feel it sometimes.....I'll hold on to that today.

So glad you are better...I just need the fear to be manageable...I know it won't go away totally yet.....

Breathe.

Have a wonderful day

Thank you

[[ga...]]

Thanks so much Nova.....nice to hear a voice of reason when we are so caught up in negativity, fatigue and plain old fear of the future.  Exhaustion has a way of altering reality and the mind wonders off into horrible places.  I think that's what whoot and I are dealing with.  We need to be slapped with a dose of reality.  Thanks for that.

 

Sounds like you guys are finding some beauty in the surroundings today.  That's a great start.  Have to appreciate what's real and the beauty that we so much take for granted when feeling so low.

 

Thanks again. Best to you!!

[[wh...]]

Garton; we do sound a lot the same....

I know it doesn't help to wallow in it but it is so hard and not like regular anxiety/depression.  It grabs you and won't let go. 

Distraction helps I find......I'm so afraid of all of it and that gives it power I know....I am trying very hard to get out from under this today.....I haven't been this bad for awhile. 

How far are you out again?  I guess I could read your notes but I can't see them in this view.

[[ga...]]

Coming up on 15 months.  I've had some great windows over that time.  This latest wave may be attributed to some fairly big stressors I am dealing with.  It's gone on for 6 weeks now and one of those stressors should be resolved in a couple of weeks.  I hope that might help me get out of this deep hole I dug myself. 

 

We need to keep listening to those who are positive..not going on the protracted board which is something I foolishly did yesterday.  Really through me seeing those suffering years out.  My advice is to stay away. These folks are in the minority and I certainly feel for them.

[[wh...]]

Soon no more waves for you. 

Do you ever feel like you're gonna have a heart attack or you can't breathe even though you know there is nothing wrong you can't get the thought out of your head. You believe that it's true even if a doctor tells you otherwise?

OMG....I feel like a jerk because there are people out there with true health issues.

 

[[Co...]]

Whoot...you are so incredibly articulate in describing your experience...and that unbelievable phenomena of not being able. to recall windows or all the good of life while in a bad wave. If you are having windows by and in month 6 you are doing great...however I know that in a wave it is next to impossible..or really impossible to believe that or connect to it. Green is right I think when she says, " sometimes all we can really do is endure and survive from wave ..to baseline..to window....and repeat...and repeat....and repeat....until done..

.....I am also p/w from ativan and in a wave am tortured by intrusive thoughts...dark dark thoughts and fears...like Nova says,  "we are all there ".....it has been my most difficult s/x ...it let up a lot but is now triggered by head s/x...the thing I cling to is that in a window I cant remember the intrusive thoughts and the health fear lets up...

........Whoot...you sound so good...you had such a horrible awful terrible no good start with this....I am so glad to see you back and making such great progress...not that is easy.  but you have come a very long way friend....thanks for coming back on...your story encourages all of us....coop

[[ga...]]

I tend to have problems taking deep breaths and holding then exhaling when I am under stress.  So, all the breathing techniques I have learned are difficult to use when most needed.  I worry what physical damage I am doing to myself over the years I've been dealing with the insomnia, worry etc... Funny thing is I have been relatively healthy this whole time.  Very few colds and flu.  Nothing major...knock on wood.  Maybe the exercise has helped keep those things at bay.  I really don't know but I always thought when you run yourself down with stress and no sleep you would be subject to all kinds of bugs, infections etc.  Not the case with me strangely enough.

 

To be honest there are times I wish I would have a major heart attack to put me out of my misery.  I hate having those thoughts but they do cross my mind.  Hate that!!!!  Not looking for perfection in my life just not dealing with these horrible waves is all I ask.

[[wh...]]

Thanks Coop you always make me feel better; Garton thank you.....

I'm settling down a bit.  I heard of another lung disease on a talk show and immediately thought..."I might have that"  even though I have no symptoms.  Ugh.  The fear and anxiety are unrelenting. 

Coop I think you are so strong...I'm sorry about the head pressure....I remember a bit of it and it wasn't nice....

Good advice from Garton ... thank you. I haven't had the flu or much of the usual stuff either through all of this....weird.

In my mind I have had every disease in the book.  OMG.  I'm so glad we have each other through this.

I'm going to go for a run and make my brain realize that there is nothing wrong.  How could I run if there were?  Silly benzo brain.

Benzos 0 Me 1

Love you guys.

[[Gr...]]

Life...you are such a dear person...I know you are going to come back up to that ' nearly healed ' baseline again as your life stressor passes...I am so thankful for your presence on this thread and wishing you 100% healing...coop

 

 

Coop, it is so good to hear from you... I think this thread is so unique because here we are almost 12 months out and not healed yet... that poses questions on how long is healing?.... I do believe that 14 months is a big threshold but what gets me is why do these wave last so long like with you and me and Mommr and others so late in the game?  Why after so much we have endured? these big and LONG waves? We will never know why but we sure will probably never stop asking.

 

God bless all but  I am in a window these past few hours but I must rest..... my brain feels like a sneaker that has tumbled in the dryer way too long. 

 

Love to all!

 

Life

 

Life, those are the same questions I have.  Are we going to amend the thread when you and Jenny hit the one-year mark?  I guess we just have to regroup and keep going.  What else can we do?  We need a business meeting, lol.  Feel better

[[Gr...]]

Jrod-- so glad to hear of some improvement for you!

Life-- so happy you are in a window, enjoy it

Peace-- you sound so much better in your posts, I'm glad you are getting a little break!

Garton-- I noticed when I started to slack on my exercise my depression came back, so keep up the exercise I think it will help you.

Mommy, coop, green-- how ya doing?

 

Jenny, tired these days.  I was just reading the posts tonight and wondering when the hell we're all going to feel better.  You and Life are coming up on a year.  But the good news is -- we can't all be screwed for life.  There are so many people on this thread feeling bad that it has to be withdrawal, it has to be normal withdrawal, we can't all be protracted (beyond the 22-24 months, I mean)

 

When I said I was okay with two years, I thought it would be getting a little easier after the first year.  And maybe it will.

 

How about you, how are you feeling these days?  How is the POTS and breathing?

 

I'm feeling pretty good Green... POTS has been a little better, I'm feeling a shift or change in my healing I think my baseline is up again. I was in a bad wave a few weeks ago, now I can barely remember how bad it was-- crazy how that happens huh?  Like coop I'm still having the head pressure/cog fog, but I can really feel I'm healing.  Jenny

 

Jenny, that  sooo great.  Gives me a lot of hope.  Enjoy.

[[ga...]]

Better rename as technically I have been outside the window for 2 months now!  Let's hope it doesn't go beyond 18 months.

[[ga...]]

By the way Jenny...I swear by exercise and have all my life.  However, the last couple of weeks I have slacked...not good and probably hurting me.  Great advice to everyone.  Exercise if you possibly can.

[[Gr...]]

Good morning everyone;

MommyR, Green, Healing, Coop, Garton and everyone..... thanks for the encouragement. I woke up last night and I couldn't control my fear and anxiety.  I totally fell apart and I was begging God and my poor guy to help me.  I felt so hopeless and afraid; full of fear and dread.  There was nothing to be afraid of and that confused me so much.  I've been through this over and over but everytime it comes back it feels as bad as the last time.  It's been better for a while so this is very discouraging. 

Somewhere in my mind I know I am better than before but OMG what a horrible night.

So afraid to lose this wonderful man I've found; so afraid I'll never be able to work again because of this; just typing this is making me shake inside.  Sorry to be a downer but I just need to know if this happened to you guys.  Total despair; don't know how I can make it through today.  Doctors will just want to put me back on benzos.

I was doing so well. It's so hard to see how good you felt when this happens. 

Some help please guys; I'm desperate .......... Please talk to me.

 

Whoot, the fear, dread, you're right on schedule, this is normal w/d.  And we don't get bad nights every night.  The windows come, we have better days.  It's a crazy roller coaster ride. 

 

As far as someone in your life, many people have disappeared from mine, including my sister, who chose to give herself some distance from "my problems" a long time ago.  And I'm independent, don't ask for much.  I don't know why some people stay and some go.  But whoever hangs around for the whole ride is a keeper, if you ask me.  And the ones that don't, well, we get to see who they really are when the going gets tough. 

You will get a break soon.  These months are tough.  I remember, it was tough.  But it does pass and you will feel better. 

 

PS the work thing, that worries me too.  but when my head is clear I realize I'll be ready when I'm ready, and when that day comes I'll know it.

 

[[Gr...]]

Whoot...you are so incredibly articulate in describing your experience...and that unbelievable phenomena of not being able. to recall windows or all the good of life while in a bad wave. If you are having windows by and in month 6 you are doing great...however I know that in a wave it is next to impossible..or really impossible to believe that or connect to it. Green is right I think when she says, " sometimes all we can really do is endure and survive from wave ..to baseline..to window....and repeat...and repeat....and repeat....until done..

.....I am also p/w from ativan and in a wave am tortured by intrusive thoughts...dark dark thoughts and fears...like Nova says,  "we are all there ".....it has been my most difficult s/x ...it let up a lot but is now triggered by head s/x...the thing I cling to is that in a window I cant remember the intrusive thoughts and the health fear lets up...

........Whoot...you sound so good...you had such a horrible awful terrible no good start with this....I am so glad to see you back and making such great progress...not that is easy.  but you have come a very long way friend....thanks for coming back on...your story encourages all of us....coop

 

Coop, Im so sorry you're still suffering with this wave.  It has gone on an unbelievably long time.  There are small breaks, but it seems to continue relentlessly.  Seems like some days are a little lighter and then I get clobbered with heavy symptoms.  I'm not glad you're suffering but I do like having company, it reassures me that it's just withdrawal if we both have it.  We've been playing tag team with this wave for -- well, me, I started Labor Day, and you were before that.  So it's been a while.  Let's hope we both start feeling better soon. 

 

And I don't care how bad I feel today, I have to get these roots dyed.  I look scary.  My son tactfully suggested I might feel better if I look better.  I sneered at him (in my mind) but after consideration have to admit he's right. 

 

Coop, Jenny is feeling better.  That's a good sign.  And when Life and Jen hit their anniversary on Friday, maybe we have to redesign the thread?  You own this thread, Coop.  Are we going to have a business meeting?  Be well, friend.  Feel better

[[Mo...]]

Woot, Garton, Nova, Jenny-

 

We are all in good company today.  Nova said it so correctly.. yes, yes, yes, we are all where you are.  Oh, the comfort in knowing we are not alone in this voyage.  I have new symptoms.  Vertigo.  When I close my eyes, they don't close, but things start to spin and a slide show of action still plays for my eyes.  I only get an hour or so of sleep and then it wakes me and I do the mental shuffle to get away from it. 

 

Yes Woot, I talk to God when it happens.  This time there is no begging.  He has shown up for me before, so now I ask what He wants me to learn.  What is it Lord.  What am I to learn from the silence and inability to escape this part of the process?  This is where I want drugs.  This is where I see we fall off the wagon.  But I won't.  The drugs got me into this mess.. all of us into this mess.  So there must a way thru.  My counselor told me if God is not going to deliver me from it then ask for grace to go thru it. 

 

The serenity prayer has been running thru my mind:

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

 

 

Somehow I am still rested.  Somehow I don't feel exhausted or worn down.  This morning I needed a story from my mom.  She gave me a good one that I will share.  Not sure if it will help you but it gave me courage.

 

There is a man named Authur Blessit who cared his cross across the world and had a movie made about him.  The reason his story peaked my mom's ears was because he had a stroke.  Let's face it, what we are suffering is brain damage...not permanent, but still something we need to heal from. 

 

In a nut shell this man heard a calling from God to carry a cross across America proclaiming God's love.  Just before he was to leave on Christmas day 1969, he had a stroke and wound up in the hospital.  The doctors told him he may have an aneurysm too and they needed to do surgery.  They ran tests, half his body was numb, it was very bad.  He prayed and prayed about what he should do, but God was silent. 

................

'I lay in bed praying, "Jesus, what do I do?" No answer. In the middle of the night I realized Jesus had already spoken. Take the cross and go Christmas Day. I had already agreed and accepted the mission. Now, do circumstances affect the call? I was learning fast. A lesson that was to mark my years ahead. The call of God is not conditional. His call is not to be interpreted in light of circumstances no matter how adverse. I made this decision. “I'd rather die in the will of God than live outside of it." By going, I could live or die in peace and joy. By staying, I would rot inside in doubt, fear, and the knowledge that I had refused the call of God. It was settled that moment. I have never looked back. Joy flooded my soul. I'd gotten the 'medicine'. "If any man come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me."

 

I went to the toilet and poured all of the medicine down it. The swirling water of the toilet washed away my last chord of human reason. Only faith was left. I would never look back.

................

 

Authur goes on to tell how painful the process was physically, but he healed absolutely and went on to carry the cross all over the world.

 

We might not have a calling on us like this man.  My calling is to be a mom, wife, daughter, sister, etc.  Many times during this process I have called out to God saying, 'who am I that would give me mercy to survive this?  I am not a king or great prophet, just a girl who waited her whole life to be a mom and wife.  Please see my children and family and return me to them'.

 

Our greatest call is to those around us, just like being on this board.  Lifting each other.  This man healed, we will heal, this will not last forever.  It will not.  Sleep will come again, emotions will calm.  Some will take longer then others. 

 

I do know nothing in life is wasted.  Everything has a lesson.  If these last 8 weeks are about compassion for others then so be it.  It can't last forever. 

 

Go ahead and get mad and frustrated.  Come on here and lay in the boat while others paddle for you.  Watch for the mercy in your day. 

 

Sorry to be so deep, but I don't like doing things for no reason.  If blood can be got from a turnip, I'm the one the who will find it.

 

MommyR

[[Gr...]]

By the way Jenny...I swear by exercise and have all my life.  However, the last couple of weeks I have slacked...not good and probably hurting me.  Great advice to everyone.  Exercise if you possibly can.

 

Yes, rename so we include everyone.

 

BTW, I know you swear by exercise, and I did all my life, too.  But in this withdrawal I have found that overdoing it caused my cortisol levels to surge and gave me insomnia, really bad insomnia.  That's why I only ride the bike early in the day.  That's me, though, not you.  I cant wait until I can do more.  I miss the feel good feeling I get.  I just wanted to put that out there because you do have some sleep problems.

 

Also, I use a product called Sleep tonight, that is supposed to lower cortisol level before bed time and hopefully nudge the sleep cycle in that direction.  I think it helps.  we never know in w/d, though, what helps.  symptoms are so random it's hard to tell when something helps or hurts.

[[Mo...]]

Life...you are such a dear person...I know you are going to come back up to that ' nearly healed ' baseline again as your life stressor passes...I am so thankful for your presence on this thread and wishing you 100% healing...coop

 

 

Coop, it is so good to hear from you... I think this thread is so unique because here we are almost 12 months out and not healed yet... that poses questions on how long is healing?.... I do believe that 14 months is a big threshold but what gets me is why do these wave last so long like with you and me and Mommr and others so late in the game?  Why after so much we have endured? these big and LONG waves? We will never know why but we sure will probably never stop asking.

 

God bless all but  I am in a window these past few hours but I must rest..... my brain feels like a sneaker that has tumbled in the dryer way too long. 

 

Love to all!

 

Life

 

Life, those are the same questions I have.  Are we going to amend the thread when you and Jenny hit the one-year mark?  I guess we just have to regroup and keep going.  What else can we do?  We need a business meeting, lol.  Feel better

 

Can we call it 6-18months since those are key months?

[[ga...]]

I try to do my exercise before 2 p.m. near I am nowhere close to the level I use to do.  Cut way back.  Late in the day I can see might present problems.  If my anxiety is high in the evening on rare occasions I will take a walk to calm me a bit.  Can't say that does the trick except now and then.

[[Gr...]]

Life...you are such a dear person...I know you are going to come back up to that ' nearly healed ' baseline again as your life stressor passes...I am so thankful for your presence on this thread and wishing you 100% healing...coop

 

 

Coop, it is so good to hear from you... I think this thread is so unique because here we are almost 12 months out and not healed yet... that poses questions on how long is healing?.... I do believe that 14 months is a big threshold but what gets me is why do these wave last so long like with you and me and Mommr and others so late in the game?  Why after so much we have endured? these big and LONG waves? We will never know why but we sure will probably never stop asking.

 

God bless all but  I am in a window these past few hours but I must rest..... my brain feels like a sneaker that has tumbled in the dryer way too long. 

 

Love to all!

 

Life

 

Life, those are the same questions I have.  Are we going to amend the thread when you and Jenny hit the one-year mark?  I guess we just have to regroup and keep going.  What else can we do?  We need a business meeting, lol.  Feel better

 

Can we call it 6-18months since those are key months?

 

That might work.  It's Coop's call though, she owns the thread, lol

 

Hope that vertigo passes for you. I had a tough time with that.  M, are you joining our wave tag team, mine and Coop's?  Pass on this one if you can

[[Gr...]]

I try to do my exercise before 2 p.m. near I am nowhere close to the level I use to do.  Cut way back.  Late in the day I can see might present problems.  If my anxiety is high in the evening on rare occasions I will take a walk to calm me a bit.  Can't say that does the trick except now and then.

 

Okay, you're on it. 

 

I really miss being able to do a very hard workout.  That was always my medicine.  I could run it off, hike.  I really miss it.  I sure hope I recover enough to do that again.  Although I am older now, lol, don't know what I can still do. 

[[ga...]]

Wow...I can see I am out of it today.  SO many typos and misspells.  Not making sense some of the time....forgive me.

 

 

[[pe...]]

So after the window this wave feels like a tsunami. I am swimming in dr. Not sure how I'm going to drive myself home from work. Where's my bed? Pull covers over head..... I mean welcome 29 children back from recess.  Ugh.

[[Mo...]]

So after the window this wave feels like a tsunami. I am swimming in dr. Not sure how I'm going to drive myself home from work. Where's my bed? Pull covers over head..... I mean welcome 29 children back from recess.  Ugh.

 

So sorry Peace!!!!  Just get thru today and you can go home and hide..