FAMILY MEMBER/PARTNERS SUPPORT THREAD

[[er...]]

hey, stargirl.  I am not the one to help with details of taper and all that- I have no idea- when my hub tapered, I was in the dark.  I am sure you will soon receive guidance regarding all that.

 

I do think your boyfriend must, in a moment of clarity, decide he wants to heal and commit to following the rules of the taper.  it really has to come from him- this I do know.  if he does not want it and he is not committed to turning his life around, it isn't going to happen.

 

I did, however, want to send you some love and support.  of course, nothing is your fault.  if he tries to blame you for anything, know that is completely untrue.  do not feel any guilt.    you are trying to help. remember that at all times.

 

your "beautiful boy" is in there somewhere- all our beautiful boys(and girls)  are.  as our partners heal, we catch glimpses of their true selves- and we remember why we got together with them in the first place.

 

I think you need to choose to eb matter of fact, as you say.  do what you must and be strong about not giving in to unhealthy requests. remember to take care of yourself.  be prepared for a long trip down w/d road.

 

and know the people on this forum are the best, with lots of experience and love to share.

 

much luck. hugs to you,

 

erin

[[St...]]

Thank you so much. It just helps knowing I'm not by myself in this.

[[Mr...]]

Hope our BB friends had a VERY MERRY XMAS and HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. Mr. Linn and I hope every ones pain is less this next year. I am still having pain.  Its a hard thing to go through. I FEEL BAD FOR ALL OF YOU. like I said before what hurts the most is how the loved ones treat me. There is only a couple of them but its very close relation. I know some of you have that to and my heart aches for you. When they knew I had head aches before  they found how about the pill they were there for me. But now I cant even say I am sick. They hang up the phone. That hurts. The Linns :smitten: :smitten:

 

Dear Linns,

I am sorry you have to go through this BUT you are going to be free from this nightmare one day and even sooner  you will be in your OWN NEW house! That is something wonderful to start New Year with.

Try to enjoy the great achievement with tapering off valium and getting close to recovery. I know how it hurts when close people turn their back at you. I am sorry they do it. We can't change them, though, we can't rely on theirs understanding or compassion.

But, fortunately , we are NOT alone. I know some BBs have to go through wd alone and it is extremely difficult.

Let's be thankful we are together and stay on this site. Freedom from benzos is a precious gift to each of us here. You are VERY close to get it all. And then fully recover. Imagine - no pills, no pain, everything clear. Probably close people will return and all what happens now will be just a bad dream.

Hang in there, Mrs. Linn. I feel for you. I talk to my Mom every day, as long as She wants and as many times as She wants. I know She needs that. I know how much you needed it and how it hurts to hear hang up.

Just turn your mind toward New Year. New life waiting for you after benzos. Everything will be better, I am sure! Hang in there and be proud of yourself in your recovery. My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight. And with other BBs who need to survive. I know it is a very hard experience but we will make it BECAUSE we want to make it. Happy New Year 2014 to All, regardless of insults from others who don't understand benzo wd. Mrubar

[[Mr...]]

Hello all. I wondered if anyone could offer me some help and support. My partner  has been using benzos off the internet for the past six months, he quit his job 4 months ago and has spiralled downhill since then. He has been self medicating with the internet stuff and has also spend a small fortune on cocaine, massive credit card debts and using my money too. I think we have a handle on that and I think he was only using the cocaine to counteract the valium. Anyway he took 600mg on Friday and I told his doctor and he was admitted to the poisons ward overnight. They gave me 30mg of diazepam as they said that what he had off the internet was not like the pharmaceutical stuff, he is insistent that he needs more. He is tapering now, sort of, and I need help and support because I feel as though I have lost him and I don't know what to do. I have taken a variety of drugs recreationally for a long time but I can't reach him. It's only been 4 days but I just wanted some help and advice over what to expect and how to deal with it. The doctors have made me responsible for giving him his meds, he's on 40mg diazepam, 15mg Mirtazapine anti depressants and 80mg of Bedranor beta blockers. At the moment he is still recovering from Friday's hospitalisation, he can hardly walk or talk, he stumbles and cries and tells me he wants to die, wants to kill himself. He's obsessed with tapering and reads and reads and reads about it on the internet and he is furious with the doctors as he feels they have not given him a high enough dose. But the thing is, I've never seen him this bad, in the last six months he has sometimes taken a lot of diazepam and xanax and sometimes none and it feels as though every time I give him his script, I lose him a little more. I feel as though it is the diazepam that is making him like this, so mushy and not my beautiful beautiful boy. I don't even know how to administer them, when to give them to him. He will wake me up at 5 AM to give him one. he's NEVER taken them at 5 AM before, it feels as though he KNOWS he should take them so he is. I just don't know, this is all so new to me and I need help. he threatens suicide and says it will be my fault and I don't know whether to love him or punch him (not literally, but I get so mad). Does he need to taper? When should I give him his meds? When will he be able to walk and talk again? Is this intense depression part of the 'overdose'? Should I pander to him or be matter of fact, he is eating and eating and eating and then stares into space. I'm at a total loss.

Thank you.

 

Dear Stargirl,

First I am sending you a big hug. You sound so terrified and scared. Try to relax and have a hope. You need to read Ashton manual. There are some taper plans  and you should just try to learn from there how to do it for your boyfriend.

I had the same experience with my Mom - before I started to taper - every time I gave Her the pill (on the beginning I was like you - I had no idea whento give it, and She was telling me She needs it) I felt I am loosing Her more and more.

I was STOPPED by medical doctors from tapering, they said it is dangerous.

After about 4 months of this I decided to taper according to Ashton manual. Few months later I found this forum and it was VERY helpful every moment since then.

Try to relax and make yourself armoured with lots of patience and patience and patience. If you want to help him - ask him in a moment of lucidity if he WANTS to stop taking these drugs (like Erin suggested) and offer your help. I don't think he is able to do it himself now.

It looks very bad right now, my Mom was like that 3 years ago - I guess She must forgot She already took Her lorazepam and took it again and maybe even again...? I would never know but She was like you described. No contact. No recognition. No connection.

Your Beautiful Boy will come back but it will take some time. Maybe a long time.

Don't despair. Just get some sleep and wait for his better day to start tapering. In the meantime learn as much as you can from Ashton Manual how to taper and everything else related to the situation you can read from this forum.

You are NOT alone. I know how you are scared and despaired. Hang on there. It WILL change. Just believe it and REST to be able to help him. I will be checking on you whenever you post. Mrubar

[[er...]]

hi Patrick,

 

want to thank you for the kind words.  it means a lot to have you acknowledge what i have endured and accomplished.

 

continued healing, happy 2014 to all,

 

 

erin

[[...]]

Hope our BB friends had a VERY MERRY XMAS and HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. Mr. Linn and I hope every ones pain is less this next year. I am still having pain.  Its a hard thing to go through. I FEEL BAD FOR ALL OF YOU. like I said before what hurts the most is how the loved ones treat me. There is only a couple of them but its very close relation. I know some of you have that to and my heart aches for you. When they knew I had head aches before  they found how about the pill they were there for me. But now I cant even say I am sick. They hang up the phone. That hurts. The Linns :smitten: :smitten:

 

We all hope the same for you Mrs. Linn.  Yes, the pain and the process is hard to go through, though, you will get better and better as time goes forward.  Like so many, it's the ones around us that we have loved in our lives that create so much hurt going through this. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all that you wrote with them.  The most important, is you have your dear Mr. Linn, your mother and your dear dog.... and your new home pretty soon, and hopefully that is just around the corner.

 

Know, my thoughts and prayers are always with you both.  Give each other a big hug from me to both of you.  A blessed Happy New Year to you both... with healing and joy that you both deserve..

 

Love you both, P

thanks patty.....we should be back in our house this weekend, then its going to get subzero temps...been 7 1/2 months..we are ready to move back in and have our own little "castle" again (hopefully without a moat)....then we can get on with the taper in a more controlled environment.......with love and hope...the linns

[[Pa...]]

My wife is experiencing terror at a level she says is out of control.  Of course I have no idea what this feels like.  I am at a loss of what I can say to help her feel better.  I know telling her she is safe and has nothing to worry about is not going to help her.  I try to offer assurance that her feeling will pass, but there must be something more to help her with.  Suggestions?

 

Pardner

[[er...]]

hey, pardner.

 

is your wife able to separate her real, pre-benzo, rational thoughts from her scary, irrational ones?  we work on that in our house- on not giving the irrational thoughts any validity, not speaking them out loud, etc.    we call them almost-hallucinations and other names to separate them from real thoughts- thoughts that make sense- like- i'm hungry, it's cold out, I live here, etc.    this takes some of the power away from irrational fears.

 

just a thought.      much luck

 

erin

[[Mr...]]

My wife is experiencing terror at a level she says is out of control.  Of course I have no idea what this feels like.  I am at a loss of what I can say to help her feel better.  I know telling her she is safe and has nothing to worry about is not going to help her.  I try to offer assurance that her feeling will pass, but there must be something more to help her with.  Suggestions?

 

Pardner

 

Hi Pardner,

My mom has a lot of that terror too. She is not able to recognise that this is irrational. I think She cannot focus on the discernment or is too overwhelmed emotionally to be able to think rationally at this stage. What works for us is to use deep slow breathing technique and She has to focus on it as long as possible  - usually 2-3 minutes. Then I try to focus Her mind on the present time and what this moment brings NOW. Like I am trying to distract Her emotions with practical questions (a little bit like Erin writes but I have to do it for Her). I ask if She feels thirsty, or sleepy, or tired etc.

Trying to find ANYTHING to pull Her emotions out of terror. She definitely cannot judge right these thoughts and calls me when they come.

Also, I know you say it is not helping to tell her that it will pass and she is safe - but I think if you repeat it over and over in the conversation - in the right moments, it might help her to just see your perspective (and you should say it this way, not that you see the objective reality because then she will become defensive).

You can suggest something whatever she likes JUST to pull her mind off the poison emotions.

BUt sometimes nothing works for us too. Then, just be kind and show her that you love her and feel sorry for her suffering and let her know that you would never abandon her in it. It may comfort the insecurity a little bit. At last, if NOTHING helps, she can take half teaspoon of hydroxyzine. Many BBs (including Colin - the founder of this website) used it in withdrawal. It makes you relaxed and less acutely feeling scared.  I hope she feels better soon. Mrubar

[[Mr...]]

My wife is experiencing terror at a level she says is out of control.  Of course I have no idea what this feels like.  I am at a loss of what I can say to help her feel better.  I know telling her she is safe and has nothing to worry about is not going to help her.  I try to offer assurance that her feeling will pass, but there must be something more to help her with.  Suggestions?

 

Pardner

 

Pardner, I just read this:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=98223.0

Maybe your wife will feel better knowing that others go through the same for years and heal eventually, too.

Mrubar

[[Mr...]]

My wife is experiencing terror at a level she says is out of control.  Of course I have no idea what this feels like.  I am at a loss of what I can say to help her feel better.  I know telling her she is safe and has nothing to worry about is not going to help her.  I try to offer assurance that her feeling will pass, but there must be something more to help her with.  Suggestions?

 

Pardner

Pardner,

My wife sufferred from terror for quite a while during her first w/d (6 weeks).  She had to be reinstated to stabilize, but then followed with a much slower liquid taper that has not had the recurrence of the terror she felt the first time out.  Mrubar has indicated a link that may help your wife feel better, but time is a harsh task master.  Good luck.

Mr. P

[[Mr...]]

Hope our BB friends had a VERY MERRY XMAS and HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. Mr. Linn and I hope every ones pain is less this next year. I am still having pain.  Its a hard thing to go through. I FEEL BAD FOR ALL OF YOU. like I said before what hurts the most is how the loved ones treat me. There is only a couple of them but its very close relation. I know some of you have that to and my heart aches for you. When they knew I had head aches before  they found how about the pill they were there for me. But now I cant even say I am sick. They hang up the phone. That hurts. The Linns :smitten: :smitten:

 

We all hope the same for you Mrs. Linn.  Yes, the pain and the process is hard to go through, though, you will get better and better as time goes forward.  Like so many, it's the ones around us that we have loved in our lives that create so much hurt going through this. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all that you wrote with them.  The most important, is you have your dear Mr. Linn, your mother and your dear dog.... and your new home pretty soon, and hopefully that is just around the corner.

 

Know, my thoughts and prayers are always with you both.  Give each other a big hug from me to both of you.  A blessed Happy New Year to you both... with healing and joy that you both deserve..

 

Love you both, P

thanks patty.....we should be back in our house this weekend, then its going to get subzero temps...been 7 1/2 months..we are ready to move back in and have our own little "castle" again (hopefully without a moat)....then we can get on with the taper in a more controlled environment.......with love and hope...the linns

Hey, Linns.  So happy to hear you're back in your home.  What an ordeal it must have been.  I guess you're checking out the heat system right about now.  Sorry to hear about the continued lack of support for Linn from her family.  We have finally managed to clear that hurdle, but it was a tough one.  Take care and God bless you in the New Year.

Mr. P

[[Pa...]]

Erin and Mrubar, thanks to both for your thoughts both good and useful.  As you know sometimes it's tough to remember to"drain the swamp when you are fighting the alligators?"  hope you know what that means

 

Pardner

[[Pa...]]

Hi all I guess this is the forum for me to vent.  My wife is continuing with her struggle this is going on for over 4 years.  Our daughter is getting married in June and its causing my wife to regret not being able to feel better and enjoy the things that go with this event.  As you know from being a support person this does get old.  I keep telling her everyone heals, its hard to believe a little pill can cause so much damage.  Just remind me everyone does heal and this will come to and end.

 

I work out regularly and work to keep my social connections.  Are there things that you find work for you to keep your balance?  Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

All the best.

 

Pardner

[[er...]]

hey, pardner.  vent away- that is why we are here!!

 

yes, it does get old.  very old.  i think that for your wife,a  change of perspective is in order.  everyone would like to enjoy all that life has to offer, at all times, but, because of millions of reasons, this cannot be.  everybody has a struggle, some visible and some not.  when it seems like everyone around us is carefree and problem- free, know it is not so.  some people just approach life with really great attitudes.  i think yr wife needs to be grateful for being this far along for the wedding, for the fact that (hopefully) your daughter is marrying a really great person,  for you being there at her side.  i know she'd love to feel awesome and enjoying every second of the festivities, but life is not like that.  and the most important thing is for you both to be there for your daughter.  yes, it all sucks. but if our benzo victims accept that fact it is helpful.  as adults, we look outside ourselves, past our pain, to the big picture.

 

for you, keep on doing what you do.  if your wife is bringing you down with her attitude/complaining, and she is safe, go do what makes you happy and healthy.  you are entitled to it.  it does not mean you don't love her.  it means you need a break.  and that is ok.

 

hope i've helped a bit.

 

best,

 

erin

[[...]]

pard,

 

I feel so bad for your wife. 4 years is a long time to wait for the happy times to return. I know that all the family milestones we had to just get through instead of enjoy are among the hardest things for me to accept. And the mere act of trying to deal with it is enough to rev things up and make things worse; remember that stress raises the stress hormones, adrenaline & cortisol, and can mess things up a bit for awhile. With this in mind, I would find ways to focus on any positive aspects in place of the loss. It's probably way too easy for her to dwell on the negative without some outside input. Just aclnowledging her real emotional pain and validating it while also gently guiding her focus past the wedding, maybe, and on to the gains to your family may be helpful in her acceptance of her loss. I've done this with Christmas before, focused on what we'd do after Christmas, so the loss of another happy holiday didn't take center stage. But, I don't know the details, so I may be way off.  A change of strategy & outlook can revive your hopes & determination sometimes.

 

I just found these links that look like there may be some more help for caregivers than is available for benzo caregivers. It's for PTSD caregivers, but you'll see that it's a pretty similar situation; it's just that they get validation from outsiders & professionals, whereas we don't much.

 

http://www.breatheintothebag.com/2013/02/caregiver-burnout-help-for-secondary-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/

http://www.familyofavet.com/secondary_ptsd.html

 

https://www.myptsd.com/c/forums/supporter-self-management.41/

 

I wasn't able to read much in that forum because I didn't join and they cut you off, but what I did read looked awfully familiar. If you google Secondary PTSD or compassion fatigue or caregiver stress, you'll get more, too.

 

You know, my hub is 4 years off now and is not 100% yet. He still deals with some stuff, it just doesn't affect me as much. But I'm definitely dealing with the Secondary PTSD or caregiver stress in myself. It's slowly getting better just like he still is. We just continue to focus on limiting stress, eating a balanced diet including protein, carbs, & fat, and moderate exercise. I think that's all we can do.

 

You're a good husband, in case you don't hear that much. Just hanging in there and not giving up is success in this. I just wish it felt more successful.

 

 

[[Pa...]]

BW, thanks for the message and thoughts.  I have to say it looking at the PTSD caregiver list I don't have any of the things they talk about.  She had a return of the benzo belly last night its better today.  I really wish I could give her a success storyeveryday  that would apply to her.  Since she is so far out the ones that are healed less than her don't make her feel better and there are not many this far out and if someone has gone this long even when they heal they are often terrified to write a success story. 

 

Thanks for the support. 

 

Pardner

[[...]]

Yeah, I guess our experiences are really different. I always assume people are in the same boat I was, but things can be very different.

 

It seems like Bliss Johns has the most success stories for protracted in her book and on recovery-road,  and there probably will never be a lot of them because, like my hub, people probably don't want to write one until they're 100% and that takes so long and by then they're forgetting a lot of details and are so far back to real life that they just don't want to stop and take the time to dredge up all the bad stuff that is now, thankfully, far back in the past. My hub said he'd write a success story, but not until the stinkin tinnitus is gone completely. He's now wondering if he is stuck with it permanently.

 

To look on the bright side, at least there are now protracted folks posting and talking about it; there weren't any back when we got to 2 years with no improvement. It's a big deal to have others who are going through the same thing, otherwise you're completely on your own in the dark. So, who knows, maybe there will be further changes in this area soon with success stories popping up as people heal. 

 

Blessings on your daughter's wedding planning and wife's healing

 

[[Te...]]

H. y'all

Just thought I would tough base again. Went to my son's apartment to bring him some homemade chili. He is one year out from a c/t and still is convinced he has dementia. Nothing I say, absolutely nothing he has read about Benz recovery will make him change his mind. He is convinced, and I mean totally convinced that he has DEMENTIA and that he will never, ever recover.

 

He still has agoraphobia and will not go outside. (Has not gone outside since end of March 2013.) Frequently he has the shakes...shakes like a leaf, and at other times that symptom goes away.

 

I try to be supportive, but all this is wearing me down as well.

 

I do think he is getting very, very slowly better. Some of the physical symptoms have abated, but THE mental ones, especially DEPRESSION don't seem to be getting much better. I just wish he felt there was some hope... Do you know of any books that would give him hope in recovery? He doesn't have a computer so he can't go to Benz buddies and he has no friends, just me and his Aunt visit him.

Thanks.

[[Mr...]]

Wanted to chime it to say that Mrs.P's progress continues in a positive direction.  She has reduced down to .07 mg K from 2.5 in 2011.  It has been a slow and painful process, but she is thrilled with seeing the vestiges of normalcy come back into her life.  The PTSD we both suffer from as a result of the process pales in comparison to the stupifying agony of the withdrawal nightmare when it is done in haste.  Hope is a wonderful thing.

Mr. P 

[[er...]]

mr p, so glad to hear

 

td, I don't think I have any real advice but I wanted to offer support.  actually, just thought of something.  maybe you can print off this site some of the posts your son should see- anything to show him he is not at all alone and he is not demented.

 

my experience has been that the "addict" has to be the one to see the truths of his situation and to adopt a can-do attitude.  if not, you can speak or yell or support all day long, all year long, and nothing will help.  he has to want to be helped and accept that there is a way out and make some effort.  like anybody in a struggle, smoker or obese person or hoarder or whatever- nothing will change til that person is a willing participant.

 

sending a hug

 

much luck

 

erin

[[Mr...]]

Dear Mr. Potato,

that is good about Mrs. P! Thank you for sharing. You both went through such dark times, I am glad you are seeing some light.

 

Erin, I like your comment to TD. I would like to agree with you but from my experience (and we don't know if TD's situation is one you write about or the one I am in)  your statement is just and useful for someone who doesn't have a distorted thinking or maybe is willing to trust others that he/she does. (But I cannot imagine someone accepting "oh, yes, I am all wrong in my thinking and will follow my mother/daughter).

From what TD writes her son rejects other people judgement about his condition. My mother since Her tolerance started is in a wrong judgement as well. She doesn't see ANYTHING is wrong. She slowly now, after few months off starts getting some insight-moments that SHe is able to see Her wrong judgement.

It would not do any good to convince Her to commit to like you say "adopt the to-do attitude". In Her opinion She can't do anything about Her attacks of "morning dying" or irrational anxiety, or memory problems. She does not know  that is all stirred up by the drug. Your advice is for people who did not get theirs judgement distorted, and there are many of them on "BBs", unfortunately not all.

I tried on the beginning of my Mom's withdrawal to do what you suggest now - this is a pure common sense what you say, but one has to HAVE the common sense to agree.

When She is in a window and I am telling Her about it, She commits immediately to approach Her problems constructively. When the wave comes all She wants is to complain and seek for a doctor (which would end the story because all of them in the place She lives would immediately give Her benzo to calm Her down).

So I think TD will be ready to use your advice WHEN her son recovers enough to accept the possibility that he might be wrong. I think when he starts feeling better he will be able to see the option and hope. Same with my Mother.

It looks to me like your husband is pretty not distorted in communication in his wd if he agrees to do an effort to see the truth. So I am glad you don't have to fight with this or be immobilised by his problem.

I know communication doesn't work most of the time for my situation because when I explain the truth to my Mom She answers "but I don't pretend! I see THIS. Or I feel THIS" When I say Her thinking is distorted She answers "don't make a crazy person out of me". She thinks that I am wrong in MY judgement. With people like this (from what I read on this forum) ONLY time can  help.

Theirs only motivation to live the best they can (with theirs sick judgements) is to feel someone loves them and is close. Even when they treat the person badly, they get the whole strength from his/her presence NOW with them.

I read  many posts after few years of wd when people said they remember how badly they behaved then and how they could not see alternatives at the moment.

If I try to explain to my Mom that the truth is different from what She sees - I only hurt Her feelings and push Her away. Maybe I am wrong but I think TD so far does everything good she can.  SHe comes there for her son and she helps him to survive this nightmare.

Printing some pages from BBs is an excellent idea though. Maybe he will get interested in some stories of people sounding similar to him and get out to read them at the place with internet. That IS a very good idea and possibly constructively sucking him out of despair.

I remember, Erin, reading your earlier posts I have noticed that you seem be having some sort of communication with your husband and he understands what you expect from him (and maybe even follows that). I hope I will get some day to communicate with my Mom clearly, when the windows last longer then 1-2 days. So far I cannot rely on Her "to do attitude". She sees nothing to do, She is totally objected toward the wd. Besides of the tiny windows.

I hope it helps TD - IN CASE her son has no power over his state and his judgement. Printing some pages from BB MIGHT help!

I hope it helps you, Erin, to see that some of us don't really have any communication with benzo-victims. All we can do is to be with them and wait for theirs awakening as long as it takes. Or we can leave them alone with it like all theirs friends and sometimes families did. They are not functional enough to communicate and understand our (even if that is objective) truth. Mrubar

[[er...]]

mrubar,

 

the part about the addict accepting, being willing, etc, is not really advice.  it is telling the caregiver there is really nothing you can do to convince the "addict" about what you know to be true.  you have to wait til they are ready.    trust me- my husband has had tons and tons of days with no clarity, no acceptance, no listening, on and on.  crazy judgement, distortions- all part of my life. it's been on and off for years!    exactly like you said- no real communication with the benzo victim.    the last couple of weeks (knock, knock on wood) my hub has had some clarity- if you're reading my posts- maybe because of the AD he decided to take, maybe despite it.    I was saying to TD that I t hink there is nothing she can do to change her son- the desire to change, or persevere, or whatever, has to come from within him.  personally, I believe that people like her son who won't leave the house should just go ahead and do it.  but I don't think he will do anything like that until HE decides to.

 

I do think TD is doing all that si in her power.  what a mom you are, TD!

 

blessings for all

 

erin

[[Mr...]]

mrubar,

 

the part about the addict accepting, being willing, etc, is not really advice.  it is telling the caregiver there is really nothing you can do to convince the "addict" about what you know to be true.  you have to wait til they are ready.    trust me- my husband has had tons and tons of days with no clarity, no acceptance, no listening, on and on.  crazy judgement, distortions- all part of my life. it's been on and off for years!    exactly like you said- no real communication with the benzo victim.    the last couple of weeks (knock, knock on wood) my hub has had some clarity- if you're reading my posts- maybe because of the AD he decided to take, maybe despite it.    I was saying to TD that I t hink there is nothing she can do to change her son- the desire to change, or persevere, or whatever, has to come from within him.  personally, I believe that people like her son who won't leave the house should just go ahead and do it.  but I don't think he will do anything like that until HE decides to.

 

I do think TD is doing all that si in her power.  what a mom you are, TD!

 

blessings for all

 

erin

Erin, thank you for more detailed explanation of what you meant. Yes, I read all your and others posts on this thread. Maybe the AD is helping, MANY people report this. He will have one more thing to taper off after this wd will end, though...

You wrote than nothing will change until the addict makes an effort..., so I thought you assume they can do it. I would say something may change after they are able to judge the situation right. Until then there is no any effort to be expected BUT they ARE healing REGARDLESS of theirs attitude, decision and commitments.

I think when they are be able to do it, everything will go faster toward recovery but they cannot do any effort on the beginning of healing. And for some the beginning is few weeks - for others 1-2 YEARS.

I remember on the beginning of my idea about withdrawing my Mom from lorazepam I talked to many doctors and NONE supported the idea. I felt loaded with responsibility IF anything goes wrong. In one moment of my Mom's clarity I explained everything to Her and asked if She wishes me to go ahead and taper Her off and She wanted it badly.

Since then in waves and windows She remembers that so the judgement about this remained undistorted somehow. But circumstances or how I did it are all not real.

I believe it will all streigthen up some day. I agree with Erin about TD - you are a wonderful mom, hurting yourself still want to help your son. I believe he will recover. Do what you do and you will get each other back, just like we all dream about it here.

You did not abandon your son even when he abandoned his own hope. I do believe it does help him tremendously to have you there to endure what he goes through and maybe he doesn't realise it yet but he will know later how it was.

Being "on the other side" of wd we are exposed sometimes/often to benzo-victims unpleasant actions/words.

After many months of this story I got thicker skin and don't get so worried about it like on the beginning. Just hang in there TD and All BB Friends. Mrubar

 

 

[[er...]]

mrubar,

 

going back and forth with you like this-  I wish I could drive over to your house in my pajamas (it's nighttime here on the east coast of the u.s.) and have  a cup of coffee and discuss this all night...  I guess, virtually, we are doing just that.  I so appreciate you taking the time to write and hearing how much you care- it comes through in your words.

 

may we all have strength

 

erin