FAMILY MEMBER/PARTNERS SUPPORT THREAD

[[Pa...]]

I’m grateful you’re taking care of yourself, we often say this is a marathon, not a sprint so I hope your father can find a way to help himself.  Just as they tell us when we board a flight, you both need to put your oxygen masks on so you can help her.

 

You’re going exactly the right thing, distraction is one of our only defenses against this.  We can actually make the symptoms fade into the background by focusing on something else.  Of course, it’s impossible to sustain this but even a few moments of relief is welcome.

[[Bo...]]

Posting in the event this is helpful for anyone!!

 

 

[[LY...]]

I'm glad you stopped in, and thanks for letting us see a little of you too, I hope you're finding time to take care of yourself.  It looks like its difficult to do the 'right thing' whatever that is when you're with her, that walking on eggshells is a terrible way to live, I had a relationship like that too.

 

Benzo rage is fairly common, I didn't have it but I'm glad you can recognize it and realize its not personal, even though it feels like it is.  I'm encouraged her mother is in contact with you, but you're smart to create some distance for now, being slightly out of reach to your girlfriend may tempt her to take a few steps in your direction, we're strange that way. 

 

 

Well, here we are in January!  Since our lunch on December 2nd, there has been very little change.  I didn't buy any Christmas presents for her.  Just sent her a Merry Christmas text.  On New Year's even she sent me a happy new years text at 10 pm, but I was already in bed, so I texted her back in the morning.  She attached a heart emoji to my response which was nice.  On Monday evening this week I texted her to let her know that the cleaning lady was going to be at her house on Tuesday morning.  I do this every other week to make sure that she is aware.  It gives me a reason to "connect" with her and she appreciates it because she has forgotten about in the past.  When I texted her Monday, she was at Costco and asked if I needed her to pick anything up for me.  She used to do this regularly for Costco and I would do it for the grocery store.  We supported each other like this all the time.  I loved it because it would give me an opportunity to stop by and see her when I dropped things off.  Our children don't know anything about our relationship, so it was fun to discreetly flirt with her and sneak a kiss if the kids left the room.  The fact that she offered to pick something up for me was HUGE.  I was very happy to see that.  I'm not sure when I'm going to be invited to pick up the spaghetti sauce she picked up for me, but I'll be ready whenever she decides that the time is right.  I didn't really need anything anyway. 

 

Today, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and her SUV was parked in the parking lot.  I decided not to go in because I didn't want to surprise her and have a repeat of the last time that happened.  It was not good for either one of us.  Probably worse for me than for her.  It made me feel sad that I wasn't comfortable enough with our current relationship to be able to walk into the store and be excited to see her like I used to be.  I believe it was the right decision for me and probably for her too.

 

We are 7.5 months since her last dose of Klonopin.  The distance/space still sucks for me, but I'm working out, running, meditating, cold plunging and eating healthy. 

 

Hoping this nightmare ends soon.

[[Pa...]]

I'm glad you stopped in, and thanks for letting us see a little of you too, I hope you're finding time to take care of yourself.  It looks like its difficult to do the 'right thing' whatever that is when you're with her, that walking on eggshells is a terrible way to live, I had a relationship like that too.

 

Benzo rage is fairly common, I didn't have it but I'm glad you can recognize it and realize its not personal, even though it feels like it is.  I'm encouraged her mother is in contact with you, but you're smart to create some distance for now, being slightly out of reach to your girlfriend may tempt her to take a few steps in your direction, we're strange that way. 

 

 

Well, here we are in January!  Since our lunch on December 2nd, there has been very little change.  I didn't buy any Christmas presents for her.  Just sent her a Merry Christmas text.  On New Year's even she sent me a happy new years text at 10 pm, but I was already in bed, so I texted her back in the morning.  She attached a heart emoji to my response which was nice.  On Monday evening this week I texted her to let her know that the cleaning lady was going to be at her house on Tuesday morning.  I do this every other week to make sure that she is aware.  It gives me a reason to "connect" with her and she appreciates it because she has forgotten about in the past.  When I texted her Monday, she was at Costco and asked if I needed her to pick anything up for me.  She used to do this regularly for Costco and I would do it for the grocery store.  We supported each other like this all the time.  I loved it because it would give me an opportunity to stop by and see her when I dropped things off.  Our children don't know anything about our relationship, so it was fun to discreetly flirt with her and sneak a kiss if the kids left the room.  The fact that she offered to pick something up for me was HUGE.  I was very happy to see that.  I'm not sure when I'm going to be invited to pick up the spaghetti sauce she picked up for me, but I'll be ready whenever she decides that the time is right.  I didn't really need anything anyway. 

 

Today, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and her SUV was parked in the parking lot.  I decided not to go in because I didn't want to surprise her and have a repeat of the last time that happened.  It was not good for either one of us.  Probably worse for me than for her.  It made me feel sad that I wasn't comfortable enough with our current relationship to be able to walk into the store and be excited to see her like I used to be.  I believe it was the right decision for me and probably for her too.

 

We are 7.5 months since her last dose of Klonopin.  The distance/space still sucks for me, but I'm working out, running, meditating, cold plunging and eating healthy. 

 

Hoping this nightmare ends soon.

 

I see some encouraging signs from her, hopefully you’ll be able to pick that sauce up soon.  It’s eye opening seeing this process from a different perspective, its a long process for loved ones and especially long for you because you don’t know if you’ll even have her in your life at the end of this.

 

I’m glad you’re finding ways to stay healthy and busy and glad you chose not to go into the store that day so your next meeting can be when she’s ready and welcoming. 

[[LY...]]

I'm glad you stopped in, and thanks for letting us see a little of you too, I hope you're finding time to take care of yourself.  It looks like its difficult to do the 'right thing' whatever that is when you're with her, that walking on eggshells is a terrible way to live, I had a relationship like that too.

 

Benzo rage is fairly common, I didn't have it but I'm glad you can recognize it and realize its not personal, even though it feels like it is.  I'm encouraged her mother is in contact with you, but you're smart to create some distance for now, being slightly out of reach to your girlfriend may tempt her to take a few steps in your direction, we're strange that way. 

 

 

Well, here we are in January!  Since our lunch on December 2nd, there has been very little change.  I didn't buy any Christmas presents for her.  Just sent her a Merry Christmas text.  On New Year's even she sent me a happy new years text at 10 pm, but I was already in bed, so I texted her back in the morning.  She attached a heart emoji to my response which was nice.  On Monday evening this week I texted her to let her know that the cleaning lady was going to be at her house on Tuesday morning.  I do this every other week to make sure that she is aware.  It gives me a reason to "connect" with her and she appreciates it because she has forgotten about in the past.  When I texted her Monday, she was at Costco and asked if I needed her to pick anything up for me.  She used to do this regularly for Costco and I would do it for the grocery store.  We supported each other like this all the time.  I loved it because it would give me an opportunity to stop by and see her when I dropped things off.  Our children don't know anything about our relationship, so it was fun to discreetly flirt with her and sneak a kiss if the kids left the room.  The fact that she offered to pick something up for me was HUGE.  I was very happy to see that.  I'm not sure when I'm going to be invited to pick up the spaghetti sauce she picked up for me, but I'll be ready whenever she decides that the time is right.  I didn't really need anything anyway. 

 

Today, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things and her SUV was parked in the parking lot.  I decided not to go in because I didn't want to surprise her and have a repeat of the last time that happened.  It was not good for either one of us.  Probably worse for me than for her.  It made me feel sad that I wasn't comfortable enough with our current relationship to be able to walk into the store and be excited to see her like I used to be.  I believe it was the right decision for me and probably for her too.

 

We are 7.5 months since her last dose of Klonopin.  The distance/space still sucks for me, but I'm working out, running, meditating, cold plunging and eating healthy. 

 

Hoping this nightmare ends soon.

 

I see some encouraging signs from her, hopefully you’ll be able to pick that sauce up soon.  It’s eye opening seeing this process from a different perspective, its a long process for loved ones and especially long for you because you don’t know if you’ll even have her in your life at the end of this.

 

I’m glad you’re finding ways to stay healthy and busy and glad you chose not to go into the store that day so your next meeting can be when she’s ready and welcoming.

 

I swear my "symptoms" mirror hers.  Anxiety, insomnia, intrusive thoughts, irrational fear.....The list goes on!  The part that is the most difficult for me is that under normal circumstances, her actions would have signaled that the relationship is over and I would have moved on.  It would have hurt, but I'm 55 years old, and this isn't my first relationship.  I am perfectly capable of picking myself up and dusting myself off and moving on.  Although my brain likes to tell me that she's blowing me off, I KNOW that what we had before she discontinued the Klonopin was 100% genuine and evenly matched.  We loved being together!  The ONLY THING that changed was the discontinuation of Klonopin and she apologized for not being available to me when all of this started.  Not to mention she has textbook symptoms. 

 

You're right that there is no guarantee, but I decided to frame it that she is my friend and the things that I provide to support her....Cleaning lady, lawn service and healthcare from a naturopath...are things that I would do to support my friend if they needed a little help.  If our relationship continues, that will be awesome!  If not, I will have no regrets about supporting her during this time.  Also, if anyone reading this thinks that I'm being taken advantage of, please know that she is an authorized user on one of my credit cards and can use it anytime she wants.  She has not spent one penny on it since her withdrawal started.  I added the lawn care and cleaning lady when I realized that she was struggling mentally and basically forced it on her.  Healthcare was something I did at the beginning of 2022 because I wanted her to get the best care possible.  Her GP only knew how to prescribe poison!  It's not that much money anyway and no one would string someone along for it. 

 

I'm writing all of this because my mind sometimes likes to tell me that I'm being played and that I should just move on.  Under normal circumstances, my mind would be right.  Writing this helps me quiet it down.  I know that the woman I love is in there somewhere and that she's struggling to make sense of everything.  I know that she's doing the best she can to get through each day.  I wish that she would let me be a part of her recovery, but as of today, that wish has not been granted.

 

I still stand by my username......L.ove Y.ou M.ore T.han E.ver!  I occasionally still text that to her. 

[[Ta...]]

Thank you, Boges11, for posting the tips for family members/friends. I'm listening to it right now.

 

Lymte, I agree that your partner is distant because of benzo withdrawal. For my mom, she has barely gone to any family/friend gatherings because her symptoms are extremely hard to deal with. She is also unlike her normal self during this healing journey and maybe your loved one is feeling the same way. Continue to be there for her and, hopefully, she opens up more.

 

I need to continue reminding myself that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I've shifted lately to try and live life while supporting mom rather than life revolving around her recovery, and it's healthier. It sucks though to leave her in pain as she seeks someone to talk to (which seems like the whole day).

[[LY...]]

Thank you, Boges11, for posting the tips for family members/friends. I'm listening to it right now.

 

Lymte, I agree that your partner is distant because of benzo withdrawal. For my mom, she has barely gone to any family/friend gatherings because her symptoms are extremely hard to deal with. She is also unlike her normal self during this healing journey and maybe your loved one is feeling the same way. Continue to be there for her and, hopefully, she opens up more.

 

I need to continue reminding myself that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I've shifted lately to try and live life while supporting mom rather than life revolving around her recovery, and it's healthier. It sucks though to leave her in pain as she seeks someone to talk to (which seems like the whole day).

 

Thank you for confirming my feelings about my "girlfriend".  She is at the 8 month mark now and nothing has changed since my last post.  I can say that things have improved since this all started.  In the beginning, she wouldn't return text messages for days or at all sometimes.  Now, if I text, she will respond within hours.  I am sure that my text messages are muted, but I suspect that everyone else's are as well.  She seems to hop onto WhatsApp and respond at around the same time daily.  She has ADHD and it's definitely worse during this time.

 

Good for you for getting on with living your life.  It's necessary for you to stay healthy and happy.  I've been really good about exercising and eating healthily.  I have not been very good about getting a social life.  I think that I need to do a better job in that category.  It's important to get around people even though I'm a bit of an introvert. 

 

Thank you again for replying to my comment.  It's good to have some interaction.  I hope your mom gets some relief soon.  Prepare for the marathon, but hope for a sprint!

[[Ta...]]

Thank you Lymte. Yes, we need to take good care of ourselves as we take care of our loved one. I went on another enjoyable bike ride today. I realized I need to enjoy life enough while being a caregiver for the total good. I also agree that we need other people even if it's just a handful. They can eliminate loneliness and help us to continue to grow as people.

 

I reaffirm that benzo withdrawal could cause some people to become uncomfortable and withdraw from those they care about. Continue with your gentle approach. It's just the challenge and sober reality of the situation and we hope for the amazing human body to regrow and heal.

[[ha...]]

hello all:  for those of you that have not seen my posts on other boards my name is Brad my mom was on loraspam for 9 years and detoxed off of during a 4 month period ending in June of 2022.  it has been a pretty difficult cycle the PAWS stuff is crazy since they provided my mom with 3 different SSRI's none which actually helped so the pscyc said without tapering to pull her off celexa 2 weeks ago as many of you folks know if you on someting for close to  a year and don't taper the cycle begins again even with SSRI's.  we still have one more to detox from after this busbarone but watching this is not for the faint of heart.  When you love a person.  Doctors know how to hand out pills but to get people off of them is a different story. Working a full time job with it own pressures and supporting my mom along with my dad is just job in its own right.  just wondering if there are any web support groups that people have gone to.

 

 

brad-

[[ra...]]

Hey Hartbm17

 

Agreed that the majority of doctors are clueless about all this or just don't really care all too much. It certainly is a full time job for me and my Dad supporting my Mom as well.

 

As for web support groups, you could try Mornings with Dr Jen. She has several YouTube videos and has a program where you and/or your Mom can join that gives you access to a private discord channel with different topics where you can engage with other members live. She also hosts 3 live sessions a week with the members and a weekly session with those who support someone going through benzo withdrawal. You do have to pay a monthly fee (~$100). My Mom has been a member for  little over a year. I wouldn't expect much aside from being part of a group you can easily engage with live. My Mom has wanted to quit the group many times but always changes her mind because there is some comfort in logging into the app at any time and interacting with familiar faces. YMMV

[[Co...]]

Hi all, I am the benzo victim myself unfortunately at 25 yo. I just wanted to drop by and say how wonderful it is of you to support your loved ones and help realize what was wrong and seek out information and support like on this forum. My parents understand now that I had been in cortisone withdrawal and then now in benzo hell and that our doctor really lied to us about both but all information about safely tapering and so on I had to figure out on my own. They didn't even realize I was off while I was the one that eventually noticed. It's nice you are seeking the right information in more detail yourselves too. Thank you for that 

[[LY...]]

Well, it's been almost a year and she has finally come out of hiding.  We had coffee on Wednesday and lunch on Thursday which was her birthday.  For context, I saw her in February for 20 minutes because she was so depressed that I was worried about her and needed to make sure that she understood that this was all due to the benzos. I stood in her driveway with her and made sure that she was ok and understood that things would pass.  I also ran into her at our kids' school for about 30 seconds 2 weeks ago.  We greeted each other, hugged, and talked briefly.  Her son was with her, so it was all small talk. 

 

So, Wednesday she shows up for coffee and tells me that I know how she hates "expectations" which is very true.  I totally understand that and anything that I have ever done to support her has always been without any expectation of anything in return.  She then tells me that she can only be friends with me and that the "expectation" of more is too much and that it's a turn-off for her for me to be guessing about our relationship status.  Now, keep in mind, that I have only seen her in the driveway and the hallway since December of 2022 and this is May.  I promise that my text messages have had no relationship questions or requests for time together.  They are all very benign and have been just to check up on her.  During the past year, I have been having her home cleaned every other week, lawn mowed weekly and paid for all of the various blood tests, supplements, and consultations that she has requested.  She has health anxiety and is not convinced that it's the benzos, so I have supported her need to investigate whatever avenue she has needed to investigate.  I have asked NOTHING in return.  ZERO!!  I have expected NOTHING in return.  ZERO again!  I was so surprised that this is what she felt she needed to tell me after 11.5 months of this ordeal.  Last year we were in love and couldn't wait to see each other and then the Benzo withdrawal hit and she "disappeared".  Sent me a text telling me that she was sorry that she hadn't been available lately and that she needed to "deal with her monsters" and then the nightmare began.  I accepted what she had to say and told her that I was so happy that she was feeling better and that we should just get back to being comfortable being around each other and go from there.  We hugged a few times and kissed each other on the cheek.  I even called her after coffee and she picked up which hasn't happened since all this began.  I stopped trying to call her in July of 2022.

 

Yesterday we went to lunch and things were "fine"  Lots of small talk and catching up.  I was able to ask her what she has been experiencing.  She told me that she stayed in her bedroom for about 8 months with the curtains drawn.  She would only leave to care for her sons and then right back into the room she was done.  That's why I saw her on Instagram 24/7.  She said that trying to clean the house or mow the lawn never would have happened.  It was all she could do to leave the house when the cleaning lady came over.  She said that it was a huge help and thanked me.  I also asked her how close to healthy she felt and she said about 60%.  She's been doing yoga at a studio by her home for about 2 months which is awesome.  I encouraged her to do whatever exercise she could when she felt ready because I heard that it had helped many.  During lunch, she touched my leg, shoulder, and arm during conversation and we concluded the lunch with another hug and kiss on the cheek.  We texted a little in the evening and that's it.  Went to sleep sad, tossed and turned, and woke up angry this morning.  I have stood on the sidelines, respected her boundaries, supported her in any way possible, and worried endlessly about her for 11.5 months.  This new version of her shows up and tells me how "expectations" are bothering her and my being unsure about where we stood in our relationship was a "turn off".....Ummmm....I haven't asked for anything in return and have not asked for a relationship status....Maybe she could read my energy in the school hallway?  I think that anyone would be a little uncertain under these circumstances?!?!? 

 

I wouldn't change a thing about the way that I handled things and I'm proud of myself for showing unconditional love for her during this process.  I'm hoping that in the next few months, she will heal more and gain access to the woman I fell in love with and our relationship will resume.  For now, I'm going to focus on myself and treat her as a friend.  I don't really like this new version that has emerged from the dark room, so the only thing that is keeping me attached to her is the memory of who she was a year ago.  To be continued......

 

[[Pa...]]

I’m really sorry, you’ve been so patient and generous.  I was in a relationship when I was taking Klonopin but when I quit cold turkey I ended it. It wasn’t serious like yours but I felt nothing for him when I stopped the drug.  Part of this could have been because withdrawal makes you dead inside but I think another part was the haze I was living in cleared and I could see he wasn’t right for me.  Being with him was okay as long as I was in the drug haze but when I quit, reality hit and I had to go.

 

I’m not suggesting this is her story, just letting you know my experience.

[[LY...]]

We were great friends before she started taking the meds, but we did start dating about 6 months to a year after she started, so it may be her story.  I don't know.  I really don't.  I'm hoping that once she gets closer to 100% healed, she'll feel attracted to me again, but I've put my life on hold long enough.  I'm going to continue working on me and see what happens.  If she comes back, great.  If not, I'll be fine and might even be BETTER?  Through this, I have gotten in the best shape of my life, so I'm grateful for that part.

[[Pa...]]

I think you’re making a good decision, you can be receptive to her if she seems interested in getting closer but in the meantime, start having some fun, you deserve it.