eli's story

[[Wo...]]

Great post. Thanks for the update. I'm just over a year out and feeling much better, but still have heart palpitations every day that I can "feel" are permanent. I think I'm in that stage where I feel like this is forever. It's great to hear from people like you that have made it. I'll keep holding on as long as it takes. Thanks again.

[[tr...]]

Your story brought tears to my eyes Eli. Especially the final part about everyone feeling that no one can be in as much pain as them; and that they will never heal. I often feel that no one has lost as much as I have during this process, but I'm sure there are plenty who have lost more. The one thing that I feel most badly about losing is the precious time that has seemingly just wasted away; and more to be wasted yet. I know there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, but it angers me to no end. I suppose simply accepting it is my only real choice.

 

Thanks for sharing

 

tryinhard

 

 

[[dr...]]

I've been here for three years....how the hell did I miss one of the most hopeful, uplifting success stories???  On a very bad day you have helped bring back my spirit. Thank you.

[[el...]]

Hi Wondernova - I had heart palpitations too for a very long time. I had many days when it was pretty much constant. After about a year or so, they would go away for several weeks but always seemed to return for a day or two and then leave again. Finally, they did stay away.

 

tryinhard - I know how you feel about the loss and wasted time. I had been able to work long enough to get a pension when wd finally ended my career prematurely. Since I have gotten well, I realize that benzos robbed me of 13 years of my life. I recall almost nothing specific from those years. They were very grey. I enjoyed nothing really and thought almost constantly of drinking which I think was almost totally b/c I was in tolerance wd from the clonazepam from the very beginning. My whole wd experience lasted nearly 3 years. At the time, it felt like my life was simply wasting away. I was in my late 50s then and despaired that even if I did get well, my remaining life would be short and pointless. I was very wrong about that. My life has been an adventure since I have healed. I have been given opportunities to do many things that I was never interested in during any other time in my life. I have been given skills and abilities I had never had. Life is better than it ever was. It is a gift that has been given to me b/c of wd.         

 

 

 

[[dr...]]

Wow Eli...I never truly enjoyed life for as long as I can remember. My life was just going from one event to the next but I was numb to it all. Was on those drugs since 21. I hope when I heal I am truly able to say it was better than ever.  I have glimpses in the windows but it's almost euphoric because I'm not used to feeling well. Right now at fifteen months I cling to that. I'm amazed it can still be so hard.  Thanks again for the update.

[[ma...]]

Eli we have communicated by email some for over a year now.  I have no idea sometimes if what you say is going to be true for me but I long for that happiness, peace, and joy that you speak of so often.  Each time I send you an email I am consumed by fear, doubt, and mental anguish from benzos. Everytime I cling to your words and advice looking for hope that I too can survive this torment and come out on the other side.  You always offer words of encouragment and hope I can't thank you enough for that. I pray that my benzo experience is nearing an end but just like the others you mention I am often doubtful that the symptoms I have will ever truly be gone. I know you are doing a good work and I can honestly say this is a spirtual journey for everyone no matter ones religous beliefs. Thank you so much for coming back here and encouraging us all to continue to fight for our freedom from the grips and damage of these drugs. As I am sure you know all to well all we have to cling to is the advice and encourgament of those who have gone before us.  Keep up the good work and enjoy the happiness and freedom you have worked so hard for!  Randy

[[bh...]]

Eli,

You writing about your journey gives me great support.  God is working thru you to help us.  Thank you again, so glad life is much fuller for you. 

 

[[Ja...]]

Praying to the universe minute by minute that soon I'll be able to write my own success story, it's so scary, my symptoms are all physical minus the extreme anxiety. It hurts so bad at times. Usually got 3 things going on at once, then they change to 3 brand new things.....every 3 days. Lol.  Thanks for writing this. Happy you made it through. Gives me some hope

[[63...]]

Just posting to bump this amazing story of hope so that others may see it!

[[el...]]

I recently decided to get a tattoo to commemorate getting through benzo withdrawal and to celebrate that enormous, life-changing struggle. I got it last evening actually. I posted a pic of it on my FB timeline and thought I would post one here as well. Several people have told me that I am the very last person they would expect to get a tattoo. I was one of them until the last few weeks. For me to do this is evidence that surviving benzo withdrawal is a monumental achievement second to none (at least in my life) and it deserves very special attention. So, I have thrown out all stops. Many in my life will frown on this, but this is a gift that only I can give to myself and that only those who are experiencing (or who have experienced) benzo withdrawal can understand completely. There may be repercussions from others I know who don't know the suffering of withdrawal. This is too important to let anyone else detract from its importance to me.

 

I have never been very successful posting images here, so hopefully it will work now. 

 

http://i908.photobucket.com/albums/ac281/killian1953/DSC01206_zpsalyua8oc.jpg

 

It actually worked.

 

Hope you enjoy

 

eli

[[An...]]

Wow Eli, that is beautiful!! Your story continues to inspire me to keep going and hold on. I wrote to you once a bit ago and I think of your words back to me so many times. Thank you so much eternally and your tattoo is a beautiful tribute to what you have endured and survived through. I am so happy for you and so grateful to you - you are such a kind and compassionate person who  has so kindly, bravely, & generously helped so many fighting this horrible battle.

[[dr...]]

Love it Eli...tattoos are for ourselves.  A permanent reminder :thumbsup:

[[Bl...]]

Eli, what a long arduous journey but you weathered the tidal waves and emerged happier and stronger than ever before. Well done, your story is an inspiration to me on this long difficult journey...thank you for sharing. The tattoo is just perfect 😊

[[63...]]

I wholeheartedly agree. Those of us who have gone through, or are going through withdrawal will understand this completely. Thank you for sharing your tattoo with us...it is powerfully inspiring!

[[el...]]

I posted this a couple days ago somewhere else and thought it might be helpful here too.

 

 

The Last Six Years

October 20, 2015

 

As I was just taking the same 66-minute walk I took dozens of dozens of times when I was ill a number of years ago, I was thinking about how I might start a website for those who are now treading the same ground I trod during that time of sickness. Also in my thoughts was the fact that today marks the six-year anniversary of my own sobriety from alcohol. Perhaps I could combine them and come up with something like this.

 

On October 20, 2009, I unknowingly began a journey that would take me to some of the deepest, darkest places I have ever known in my life – places that I could never have imagined. These were places that were infinitely vile and indescribably terrifying.

 

But, as the first three years of that journey were ending, I glimpsed a very faint light on the horizon. It had been nearly three years since I had known anything but the dark night of the soul, but I immediately recognized the light. I hadn’t forgotten what it looked like. As time went on, I could discern a figure walking toward me in the slowly intensifying light. It was a person. It was I. I was returning to myself, and I knew me immediately. I had been terrified that I would never return, and, if I did, I would not know me. I knew my dread had been unfounded the very moment I recognized who was approaching me. Yes, this person was I – but not the one I had known in my first fifty-eight years. This was a different Don. Although I was a bit wary at the outset, I could tell this was someone I wanted to get to know more closely…and I have done so in the past three years.

 

As horrific as the first half of my sober years has been, the second half has been equally, if not more, wondrous. I have experienced the “happy, joyous and free” way of life that I often saw in the rooms of AA but could not grasp for so long. I had no idea what it was or where one could get it. Now I know.

 

From the experience of these six years, I have learned many things about myself, others, the Creator, and life, in general. I have learned about the meaning and purpose of my life. I have created many strong, lasting relationships with others. I have lost relationships that were once very good and strong – only because to continue those relationships, as they had become, was not healthy for either side. Perhaps, one day, they will be reestablished. I have taken risks and been rewarded. I have taken risks and been burned. I have thought, felt and done things that I never would have imagined I would think, feel or do. I have wept tears of pain as well as tears of great joy. I have caused others to shed tears of pain and also tears of great joy. I have been praised. I have been maligned. In short, I have lived life – something that I could not do in my addiction and dependency.

 

Perhaps, the greatest thing I have learned in these six years is that there is always something new and wonderful to learn on the way to and during the happy, joyous and free life. Sometimes (probably most of the time) the greatest lessons we learn are born of tremendous pain and suffering, but we must allow ourselves to learn in that time of anguish. That does not mean we have to be happy about the suffering or that we need to be laughing and smiling as we trudge the path of misery. It also does not mean that we should be bitter and hatred-filled as we suffer. That only intensifies the pain and prevents us from ever shedding it. As such, we forfeit the happy, joyous and free life for a self-imposed life of resentment. I’ve been in that place. It’s ugly. That’s why I drank for forty years and ended up on benzos for thirteen years.

 

There is indeed such a thing as a happy, joyous and free life. I look forward to living the next six years right in the middle of it and sharing it (or the directions to it) with anyone who wants it.

[[An...]]

I posted this a couple days ago somewhere else and thought it might be helpful here too.

 

 

The Last Six Years

October 20, 2015

 

As I was just taking the same 66-minute walk I took dozens of dozens of times when I was ill a number of years ago, I was thinking about how I might start a website for those who are now treading the same ground I trod during that time of sickness. Also in my thoughts was the fact that today marks the six-year anniversary of my own sobriety from alcohol. Perhaps I could combine them and come up with something like this.

 

On October 20, 2009, I unknowingly began a journey that would take me to some of the deepest, darkest places I have ever known in my life – places that I could never have imagined. These were places that were infinitely vile and indescribably terrifying.

 

But, as the first three years of that journey were ending, I glimpsed a very faint light on the horizon. It had been nearly three years since I had known anything but the dark night of the soul, but I immediately recognized the light. I hadn’t forgotten what it looked like. As time went on, I could discern a figure walking toward me in the slowly intensifying light. It was a person. It was I. I was returning to myself, and I knew me immediately. I had been terrified that I would never return, and, if I did, I would not know me. I knew my dread had been unfounded the very moment I recognized who was approaching me. Yes, this person was I – but not the one I had known in my first fifty-eight years. This was a different Don. Although I was a bit wary at the outset, I could tell this was someone I wanted to get to know more closely…and I have done so in the past three years.

 

As horrific as the first half of my sober years has been, the second half has been equally, if not more, wondrous. I have experienced the “happy, joyous and free” way of life that I often saw in the rooms of AA but could not grasp for so long. I had no idea what it was or where one could get it. Now I know.

 

From the experience of these six years, I have learned many things about myself, others, the Creator, and life, in general. I have learned about the meaning and purpose of my life. I have created many strong, lasting relationships with others. I have lost relationships that were once very good and strong – only because to continue those relationships, as they had become, was not healthy for either side. Perhaps, one day, they will be reestablished. I have taken risks and been rewarded. I have taken risks and been burned. I have thought, felt and done things that I never would have imagined I would think, feel or do. I have wept tears of pain as well as tears of great joy. I have caused others to shed tears of pain and also tears of great joy. I have been praised. I have been maligned. In short, I have lived life – something that I could not do in my addiction and dependency.

 

Perhaps, the greatest thing I have learned in these six years is that there is always something new and wonderful to learn on the way to and during the happy, joyous and free life. Sometimes (probably most of the time) the greatest lessons we learn are born of tremendous pain and suffering, but we must allow ourselves to learn in that time of anguish. That does not mean we have to be happy about the suffering or that we need to be laughing and smiling as we trudge the path of misery. It also does not mean that we should be bitter and hatred-filled as we suffer. That only intensifies the pain and prevents us from ever shedding it. As such, we forfeit the happy, joyous and free life for a self-imposed life of resentment. I’ve been in that place. It’s ugly. That’s why I drank for forty years and ended up on benzos for thirteen years.

 

There is indeed such a thing as a happy, joyous and free life. I look forward to living the next six years right in the middle of it and sharing it (or the directions to it) with anyone who wants it.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this 💗

[[el...]]

[initially posted on FB]

 

 

For my friends in benzo wd

 

Free at Last After Eighteen Years

October 25, 2015

One Saturday morning in June 1997 I was driving on Interstate 81 with my son. We were on our way to pick up his sister who had spent the night at a friend’s home. I had been having panic attacks in the last few weeks as a result of extreme stress caused by a few life situations and the increased drinking that the stress had caused. Of course, at the time, I had no idea where those panic attacks were coming from or that they even were panic attacks.

 

As I was driving on I-81that morning, I got an uneasy feeling in my abdomen and chest. My first thought was that I hoped it was not one of those “attacks.” Almost immediately, by the power of suggestion, I was in the midst of one of those attacks. It had seemingly come out of nowhere. I continued driving in terror thinking that I was having a heart attack. I was also terrified that I would pass out and crash, so I pulled into a roadside rest area. We spent the next three hours there. I had no idea where we were, so that, when I called my wife to come get us, I couldn’t really tell her our location. She did eventually find us.

 

The following week found me at the doctor’s office where I received a prescription for Xanax and free samples of Paxil. My experience with psychotropic drugs began that day in June 1997. For a couple weeks, the Xanax worked well and quelled the anxiety and panic attacks. I was able to drive without any problem. After two weeks, I began having problems. The Xanax had stopped helping me and seemed to be making me worse. I decided to take the Paxil in hopes it would end the problems. Sadly, it threw me into an extreme suicidal state of physical and mental restlessness. For the next eighteen months I was put on all kinds of psychotropic drugs which made me much worse. After that time, I remained on Klonopin (a benzodiazepine) for nearly twelve years and also continued to drink.

 

In 2010, I finally got off the Klonopin and endured the suffering of a horrid withdrawal for nearly two more years. Nearly all the symptoms of withdrawal had faded except for a few. I have been off benzos for five years and two months. During that time, life has continued to get better and better.

 

About two months ago, I began to feel some very strange physical “sensations” which certainly had something to do with my CNS. I have never had what is referred to as a “wave,” but this felt like some sort of a wave –but very mild and “strange-feeling.” It has not been scary in the least – more a source of curiosity and intrigue. I have always wondered what a wave is exactly. Is it a type of setback or is it an indicator of additional healing from benzo withdrawal – a “fine-tuning” of sorts? I have also noticed other things during this time – actual improvements. My sleep (which had not been good during the many years of my alcohol abuse) has improved greatly during these two months. That is very nice, but there is even greater improvement in something else that I wasn’t sure would ever resolve.

 

A few weeks after I had begun taking psychotropic drugs in 1997, my ability to drive at higher speeds left. I could drive fine at lower speeds, but driving on major highways was extremely difficult and next to impossible. There was something about the rapid movement that gave me a “boaty” feeling of imbalance and dizziness that scared me. That has stayed with me all the way through my years on Klonopin and throughout my withdrawal from it. I have dealt with it by simply being a passenger when traveling on major highways. As a child, I had many ear infections which damaged my inner ear and adversely affected my balance to some degree. I just chalked my problem with high-speed driving up to the ear infections.

 

In the past two months, as this wave or whatever it is has been with me, I have started to think that I might want to give driving on major highways another shot. It has almost been a “desire” – something I want to do. Yesterday, I traveled with a friend to see another friend. He did all of the driving there but wanted to rest on the way back, so he asked me if I would drive. We were on a major highway. I felt pretty comfortable with the idea, so I agreed. I drove all the way home and was quite comfortable. I was ecstatic when I got home. It has been over eighteen years since I did that.

 

This afternoon after coming home from church, I decided I would drive once again on I-81 to that roadside rest area that my son and I had “visited” in 1997. I drove the thirty miles or so, got out of the car and walked the same paths I had walked more than eighteen years ago with my son. I smiled and smiled and smiled. I did it! I actually did something that I thought I would never be able to do again. I even picked up a walnut that had fallen from one of the trees as a memento of the occasion – the enormous victory.

 

I have learned a couple things about benzo withdrawal from this experience. First, healing of the CNS from benzo withdrawal can obviously continue long after one has discontinued benzos and even after one has healed nearly completely. Second, benzo withdrawal waves may actually be periods when significant healing is occurring. That is how it has felt to me in the past two months.

Healing and improvement just keep happening – even after it seems like we are finished healing.

 

 

In some ways, I was a bit reluctant to post this. The first thought of many who are not as far out will be “Oh no, Don is still having waves. I’m doomed. This will never end.” That would have been my immediate reaction when I was still in the fray. But, that is not what this is.

 

The “strange sensations” are a kind of burny, tingling primarily down my arms from the shoulder to the tips of my pinkies. It almost feels like my nerve cells are too short and need to stretch. There is also a little tingly, tickly feeling at times mostly in the back of my neck. It reminds me of the feeling you get when a wound is healing - kind of an itchy burniness. It is not the least bit alarming. There is no pain whatsoever. There are no mental symptoms at all. Those disappeared years ago and have never returned.

 

I view them as “indicators” that healing is still happening. They are signs. My sleep has improved during this time, the driving thing, and a few other things. It is actually a very positive thing. We continue to heal and, for me, this “benign” wave is a sign of that. It’s my body telling me, “See, I’m getting even better.”

[[An...]]

Oh Don, though so positively written about, yes this does worry me. I still feel like I will never heal. I haven't had a window in months and even on days where my withdrawal is a little lighter, I'm never symptom-free. The thing is, I'm 32 and had hoped to at least have the option of having a second baby. My doctor doesn't recommend trying to get pregnant past 35 (I had a high risk first pregnancy with my son and am guaranteed a second high risk pregnancy). I just am so scared I'll still be so sick with withdrawal and can't imagine even being mostly well and pregnant still getting waves. I'm 14 months into my withdrawal but I just don't have four more years, five more years, 7 more or however long this could go on for me. Please forgive my fearful post. I know this last post took great courage to be honest about what's possible with withdrawal. I prefer the truth. But it's really scary too.

[[el...]]

Angelprint. Everything in this "wave" (or whatever it is) is good - the sleep, the driving thing, and a couple other things. It has no downside whatsoever. The "weird sensations" actually feel like additional healing is happening...and it is. I have been completely functional and happy for well over 3 years now. These are only physical "feelings." There is no pain, no distress, no effect on mood. Actually, this has heightened my mood because I'm seeing some things disappear that I had simply accepted as being "me."

 

It's not unusual to still have symptoms at 14 months. That is right when I started to turn the corner, I remember it very well - my grandson's birthday party. You will heal and be well. There is no doubt about it. I know it seems like it will never happen, but it will. Hang on. There is plenty of good stuff ahead. I promise.

[Guest [wi...]]

Dear Eli,

 

Again, heartfelt thank you for sharing your story and providing us with a beacon of hope.  WDI

[[An...]]

Angelprint. Everything in this "wave" (or whatever it is) is good - the sleep, the driving thing, and a couple other things. It has no downside whatsoever. The "weird sensations" actually feel like additional healing is happening...and it is. I have been completely functional and happy for well over 3 years now. These are only physical "feelings." There is no pain, no distress, no effect on mood. Actually, this has heightened my mood because I'm seeing some things disappear that I had simply accepted as being "me."

 

It's not unusual to still have symptoms at 14 months. That is right when I started to turn the corner, I remember it very well - my grandson's birthday party. You will heal and be well. There is no doubt about it. I know it seems like it will never happen, but it will. Hang on. There is plenty of good stuff ahead. I promise.

 

Thank you so much for the hope you always give. I am so happy that you can actually feel the healing. You are always an incredible inspiration to me.

[[br...]]

Don/Eli

 

Thank you. Your story is helping me hang on today.

[Guest [vi...]]

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=41310.msg1592971#msg1592971

 

eli what's the title of your book?

[[el...]]

Hi vineet2,

 

It's title is From Fear to Freedom: A Story of Addiction, Misdiagnosis, Survival, Hope and Healing. There is another book entitled From Fear to Freedom. It has a different subtitle or no subtitle. Here is a link.

 

http://www.amazon.com/From-Fear-Freedom-Addiction-Misdiagnosis/dp/1511589957

 

 

[[An...]]

Hi Don, how are you feeling these days? Did your last wave break? Always thinking of you!