eli's story

[[el...]]

Hi Angelprint,

I'm doing great. I created a website and put it online almost 3 weeks ago. It has about 40 of the "little stories" I write now and then, some Youtube videos I've made, and some other things. The url is www.merryjoyousfree.com . Very positive stuff.

 

 

 

 

[[tr...]]

Very,very nice website Eli. I was especially moved by your videos. I haven't watched all of the videos,but I plan to. Was wondering when your emotions returned? I have seen many symptoms fade away except for this one...the insomnia is even getting a little better. Being "emotionless" scares me though.

 

Great Job!

tryinhard

[[el...]]

Hi tryinhard,

My mental symptoms all began "moving" a bit around month 10 for a couple hours in the morning. At month 14/15 they began to disappear more quickly, and I was feeling noticeably better (including the lifting of my depression with the ability to feel pleasure again). By month 18 I was feeling mentally very good and could laugh and joke again.

 

 

[[tr...]]

Thanks for responding. I think that I'm in the emotional "moving" phase then,because I am definitely having better days. Just don't feel "good" yet because there is still a fair amount of low level worry and fear. A couple more months and I will be off though. I'm thinking that is when things will noticeably get better. I can only hope.

[Guest [Ne...]]

Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope for my mom who is having a very bad time.

 

Needto

[[...]]

Thank you for being so supportive. Your website is great, I visit it often.

 

I'm struggling a bit at the moment and don't understand why my mental symptoms at 20 months can be so intense sometimes. It's like it won't let me go. Does joy really return? 

[[el...]]

Hi marj,

 

There really does not seem to be any rhyme or reason for symptoms to wane (or even disappear) and then reappear and become more intense with no warning at all. I've seen so many strange things as others have healed. We are all different.

 

Yes, the joy will arrive. The depth of that joy is no less than the depth of the suffering of wd. There is a priceless treasure at the end of this. You will find out for yourself when it is finished. It is coming.

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Thank you Eli for responding to my post and reminding me 'again'  that we are all different. I think we all know this is fundamentally true, however it is so hard not to get sucked in to others experience of recovery and then question our own. We are so suggestable too when recovering. My low mood today has been influenced partly by reading someone elses negativity on here. I know I can be negative, although I remain positive I will recover.

 

Yes, the joy will arrive. The depth of that joy is no less than the depth of the suffering of wd. There is a priceless treasure at the end of this. You will find out for yourself when it is finished. It is coming.

 

It is words like the above we need to read 

[[La...]]

Hi, Eli. Great success story. My case is more like Marj´s. A roller coaster type. Comparing with I could say that you were worse till month 15. Not MUCH worse, but with more sxs and less windows. In my case, between months 7-9 I took a demanding job which required even travelling and political activities (amazing), but in the 9th the relapse or wave was so bad that I had to quit. I was in bad state for about 4 months but then I improved dramatically, thanks to gingko (I have no doubt on this). Unfortunately, on this time instead of enjoying my healing, an independent physical problem started, which required 2 surgeries and a lot of suffering and anxiety (I´m still dealing with that, but much less).

 

But still, althoug I had small waves, I was sort of improving, I spent 2 months in Mexico doing things and, from 10-11 am. on, I could say I had a pretty normal life, till 2 months ago (19th month) in which I again relapsed on a brutal wave, out of nothing, and on which I still am  :'( Gingko doesn´t seem to work now anymore. Well, if I miss it one day I feel much worse, but it doesn´t make me feel really well like before, and if I increase the dose I feel worse, too.

 

This non-linear healing can be so confusing. My faith fails a lot due to that and also due to some lingering sequels that have never or almost never gone, like not being able to feel ever at real peace, or sleeping normally, or having less than miserable mornings. DP/DR is the only sx that seems to have gone deffinitely (thank God!), or at least it is never as brutal as before. All the others come and go and can reach very high intensities. Not as in acute, of course, but high enough to not allow me to work and have a "normal" life.

 

Let´s hope 2016 will be the year of my deffinite healing. Merry Christmas and happy new year to you all. God bless!

 

[[ma...]]

Thanks so much don/eli for all the support you offer!

I appreciate your web site & videos very much, but never connected them to "Eli here on Benzobuddies!

Many many thanks again for all your encouragement & support!

May this New Year bring relief to all.

 

margaretisabel

[[An...]]

Don,

 

I've hit 16 months and rung it in with a horrific night last night that has me so petrified I'll never heal. I'm 16 months after all. That's when you started to feel sure you would heal. I am so lost and terrified, just so hopeless.

 

I have a feeling that I really may end up being one of the people Professor Ashton mentions never heals.

 

I'm just so broken.

 

[[el...]]

Hi Angelprint,

 

You are healing. There is no question of that. You just aren't feeling it yet, but you will. We are all different. We all get different sx and heal differently - including the timeline of our healing. Some heal quickly while some take longer.

 

You will be well again. There is no reason to believe that you won't be. It is coming and will get here.

 

Hang on. You are doing it.

 

Don

[[La...]]

 

I have a feeling that I really may end up being one of the people Professor Ashton mentions never heals.

 

 

Does she? Don´t recall that part... 

[[an...]]

I am so happy for you.  CONGRATS.  I am crying as you've given me so much hope.  What a similar story to Mine.  I went psychotic when pulled from benzos on a psych ward and almost died.  I had no history of mental illness was given Ativan after my bowel was removed.  Suffered forced ects.  I finally got out of there and will never take another pill.  Worried about healing from both cold turkey benzo withdrawl and ect.  It's hard to know what is causing what.  I'm so sorry you suffered so much but so happy you've come out better then ever.

 

anoula1

[[el...]]

Hi Laudante and anoula1,

 

Laudante - I think Dr. Ashton does make some sort of statement about people not healing. Others have asked me about that because it freaks them out. I hope to discuss it in a video soon because it contradicts the body of evidence and the concept of "intrinsic healing," is completely subjective (necessarily having no foundation based on objective evidence), and violates the basic precepts of the scientific method.

 

anoula1 - I had 4 ect "treatments" which, although very unpleasant and horrifying at the time and which sort of "whacked me out" for a bit, really had no significant lasting effects. The horror for me was the benzo wd. I suspect the same is true for you. I have known a few people who had many ect treatments and suffered loss of memory without all the rest of the nasty wd symptoms. Of course, benzo wd messes with the memory too for many. Hang in there. You can do this. 

 

 

[[we...]]

Elii,you are so good for a broken Benzo Heart.Bless it!!!Thank you Wend!!

[[An...]]

Hi Angelprint,

 

You are healing. There is no question of that. You just aren't feeling it yet, but you will. We are all different. We all get different sx and heal differently - including the timeline of our healing. Some heal quickly while some take longer.

 

You will be well again. There is no reason to believe that you won't be. It is coming and will get here.

 

Hang on. You are doing it.

 

Don

 

Hi Don,

 

Thank you so much for your kind support always. I am in the thick of the horrors. It's so bad today I'm literally just breathing through a lot of it. I'm supposed to go see friends today. I don't think I'll be able to do it. Some other days I could pull it off but today is so bad. You know oddly, the very day that I wrote that last post to you I had 30 blissful minutes. I wrote to a few withdrawal friends about it so I'll post it here too. For about 3 or 4 days after those 30 minutes I felt better than I've felt in months but full of symptoms. Then it all came crashing down to hell again. It's so weird that I felt better but still ridden with symptoms...maybe that's my body's version of a window? What do you think Don, since you've been in contact with so many in withdrawal? Can it still be counted as a window?

 

Here is my description of those blissful 30 minutes I had on December 30th:

"Yesterday evening something absolutely amazing happened - I had just taken my Ursodiol (my liver cholestasis medicine - I don't take any other medicines) and was having a horrible reaction of withdrawal symptoms as usual. I sat down on the couch by my son feeling so weak, out of my body, blurred vision, etc. Suddenly I started to feel fear very strongly, and I thought 'just hold on through it, you've been through this before, hold on.' And it lasted about 7 minutes and suddenly I felt the pressure sensation that I always feel in my brain receding. We were playing Finding Nemo on the TV and my vision became normal, no longer blurred. The weak and out of body feeling stopped and I was able to stand up and kneel beside my son and thoroughly enjoy playing with his trains with him. It was so sweet, it was so precious. I felt at peace in my body. I played trains with my son and just soaked it in. There were no symptoms at all, only peace. After 15 minutes I stood and called up to my husband who was upstairs installing safety things and told him what was happening. I gave my son his bath, I felt as though I were touching water for the very first time in my life. Every emotion, every memory was as it once was, I felt just like my old self, at peace in my body, whole. It was so beautiful I got choked up and cried in joy. The last time I felt like that for one morning was March 1st, 2015, and it was very short so I knew to just enjoy every second, taking it moment by moment. It lasted about 30 minutes before my symptoms started coming back, first was nerve pain in my teeth, then muscle spasms rotating all over my body, then tightness in my throat, then fear and out of control feeling which decreased slightly. I feel definitely better than I have been feeling for months today, although not symptom free and not anywhere close to those amazing 30 minutes yesterday evening. I don't know what will transpire going forward, I just don't...this whole thing is so unpredictable. But I had to share those beautiful minutes with you. It was so strange, the sensations preceding those beautiful minutes...as though someone had been searching for a plug and outlet in the dark for months and finally found it and plugged it in and everything was working just as it should. I've got a horrible headache today and lots of symptoms but I wonder if this is my body's version of a window, because I do feel better than I have felt in months. We'll see what happens."

 

Now I just keep wondering what does it mean that I've only had two of these semi-windows nearly a year apart...there is no pattern. It doesn't make any sense. Last night and today have been absolute hell and I'm just breathing through it. Just praying to survive. Sorry for TMI but I just got my period and that always makes the withdrawal so much worse.

 

I don't know what it all means. If two semi-windows nearly a year apart means I'm healing? If those little semi-windows were just my damaged brain looping a memory of who I once was, much the same way it plays other memories in withdrawal from my past so very real it feels like I'm feeling the feelings I felt in those memories as though they are happening right then?

 

I'm sorry I keep asking your opinion. I know you have many others to help. Thank you for your time always. It means more to me than I can ever put into words.

[[el...]]

Hi Angelprint,

 

That does sure sound like some sort of window. From what I have seen, windows can be of all different kinds with respect to duration, presence/absence of symptoms, kinds of symptoms, intensity of symptoms, and so on. There really don't seem to be any "rules" with respect to any aspect of withdrawal. I know that makes it very frustrating. The only real "absolute" is that our bodies heal intrinsically and will keep healing until they are healed and well. I spoke of that in one of my last videos. Intrinsic healing is one of the big reasons (among others) that we can never declare, with any credibility, that withdrawal is permanent for anyone.       

 

Hang on. You know that you are still in there. What you described sounds heavenly. One day it will stay.

[[dr...]]

Eli, did you suffer from excruciating headaches at all?  I had migraines but nothing ever as often or as bad.  Just curious.  I had a three month break from them and whammo!

[[St...]]

Thank-you Eli.  Your story gives me hope and comfort.

[[La...]]

Thanks for your ongoing words of wisdom, experience and support on this thread, Eli. I know you're helping many people -- including me, of course!

[Guest [mu...]]

Angelprint,

 

That was such a perfect and beautiful description of a window... thank you so much for sharing it. I haven't had a window like that in well over a year... they are so miraculous... such relief and peace to feel back in the world for a moment, such joyful awareness of how precious and easy life is when your body and mind are working properly... someday we'll reside there all the time. Won't that be something?

[[An...]]

Hi Angelprint,

 

That does sure sound like some sort of window. From what I have seen, windows can be of all different kinds with respect to duration, presence/absence of symptoms, kinds of symptoms, intensity of symptoms, and so on. There really don't seem to be any "rules" with respect to any aspect of withdrawal. I know that makes it very frustrating. The only real "absolute" is that our bodies heal intrinsically and will keep healing until they are healed and well. I spoke of that in one of my last videos. Intrinsic healing is one of the big reasons (among others) that we can never declare, with any credibility, that withdrawal is permanent for anyone.       

 

Hang on. You know that you are still in there. What you described sounds heavenly. One day it will stay.

 

Thank you so very much from my heart Don...it really was heavenly. I keep praying that it will stick some day. Thank you always.

[[An...]]

Angelprint,

 

That was such a perfect and beautiful description of a window... thank you so much for sharing it. I haven't had a window like that in well over a year... they are so miraculous... such relief and peace to feel back in the world for a moment, such joyful awareness of how precious and easy life is when your body and mind are working properly... someday we'll reside there all the time. Won't that be something?

 

Yes, exactly mutuuraia, it was so precious...should it ever stick, I will never ever ever take it for granted. Never ever.

[[An...]]

Dear Don, I haven't seen an update on here from you in a while. How are you doing? I hope you are so well.