eli's story

[[Ja...]]

Thank-you Eli for your post. I am so happy to hear how well you are doing. This process couldn't be any slower. Can't wait to make it to the finish line. Wishing you a wonderful life which you so deserve 

[[Ho...]]

What else can I say friend....your the bomb!

[[li...]]

Hello Eli

 

Thank you so much for your posts . They are such an inspiration.

Thank you for keeping us going.

 

With Very Best wishes to you From Lib 

[[Co...]]

Thanks again for giving a spirited update Eli! I hope your Bro-in-law knows how lucky he is by having someone there for him that has gone thru hell and back! Keep going strong!

[[fi...]]

It’s that time of year again. 5 years ago at this very moment I was pacing and sitting and rocking, as those relentless voices in my head chided me and insisted that I go upstairs and end my life. I was moments and inches away from committing suicide. It feels like one huge dream.

 

I am now sitting peacefully in the same room looking out at the mountain and brilliant blue sky (cup of black coffee, of course) – with a serenity that is the total antithesis of the dread, anxiety, and depression I felt 5 years ago. There are no voices. There is no pacing or angst. I am calm and pensive….and in awe of the stark contrast of the “then and now.” It’s as if I am someone else now – a new and transformed human being. It’s even as if the whole world has changed to “meet” me. I see it as it really is – not with a brain that has been tormented by anthropogenic chemicals but with a brain that has had to learn, in the most difficult way possible, how to survive something so horrendous that it now has no choice but to be “happy, joyous and free.” But, even more, it is capable of doing everything it was ever able to do with greater ease and with a sense of almost pure peace. Sometimes I think it is a reward for bearing what most people would find unbearable ….for going the distance, even when it was only in increments of millimeters a day (and sometimes it felt like the progress was actually “in reverse.”)

 

Yesterday was the funeral service for my father-in-law. He was an amazing man and had an amazing family that I have had the privilege of being part of. He was not a churchgoer, so there really was not much the pastor, who didn’t know him, could say about this incredible man and his life. Everyone in the family is terrified to speak in front of others, so I volunteered to write and give the eulogy. It was a privilege. Throughout my life, I have been very anxious about getting up in front of anyone to say anything. I did it for work, but I always had my Klonopin and booze to help me through – or at least knew my two “friends” would be waiting for me when the speaking was over. Even then, I was still not good at it. I would stumble with my words and fidget and feel that constant “they’re looking at me” panic inside.

 

Not so yesterday. I was calm and relaxed. I spoke clearly and with feeling. There was not even a slight bit of nervousness in me. I was “cool as a cucumber.” I know that many of the people listening to me were stunned. The man they saw and heard was not the man they had seen during the many preceding years. Withdrawal has taken fear from me…..completely. I simply don’t fear anything now. While I was in withdrawal, I was terrified that I’d have PTSD when it was over. How could one not have PTSD after such a horrendous spate of mental and emotional suffering? Now I realize that that fear was simply a symptom of withdrawal. I have the opposite of PTSD. I once read Baylissa describing herself now as “having a backbone of titanium.” Didn’t grasp it then, but I do now. It is very true.

 

Absence of fear is only one reward. There are many more. One of them is having the experience of withdrawal to draw upon to help others through the same sort of struggle. It has become more valuable than gold in that way.

 

My father-in-law had been diagnosed with cancer in November 2013. That diagnosis sent my brother-in-law into a tailspin of pure anxiety. That anxiety has escalated for more than a year and has resulted in him turning to Zoloft and Ativan. He had some inner agitation before the Zoloft, but now it’s much more. The Ativan helps a little but not much. He is simply spiraling down the poly-drugging vortex that nearly swallowed me alive. He and his wife saw me scratch and claw my way out of that trap (and he even prevented me from committing suicide three days after I got out of the psych hospital 5 years ago), but I think they viewed my near demise as more of a “mental disorder” than a battle against drugs (and withdrawal from those drugs) that were slowly killing me. I tried to gently caution them a few weeks ago with respect to the drugs, but his wife was less than pleased with me. She had fire in her eyes.

 

This morning my brother-in-law called and wanted to know what I thought about his meds and so on. He is really suffering with akathisia, hopelessness, and all the other drug-induced garbage these drugs can cause. I came up with a “this is what I would do” plan for him and assured him that he would get through this ordeal – even though his brain can’t solve the puzzle and keeps telling him he won’t. I simply will not leave him to fight alone. He did save my life nearly 5 years ago.

 

My point is that he saw me yesterday when I was speaking. He recalls who I was and who I now am. I told him that I am mentally and emotionally better than I had been in the first 5 decades of my life...  night and day really. He desperately wants to be well. He doesn’t want to be filled with anxiety and depression. Nobody does. It’s a terrible way to feel as everyone here knows.

 

Seeing is believing. Recovering from withdrawal and the resulting extreme wellness is honestly like a precious metal or priceless gem….and it can be given to others over and over. It is never depleted….and the privilege of giving it is just as priceless.

 

Hang on everybody. It gets really good…..and keeps getting gooder.

 

eli

 

Glad to hear you're doing better (although I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law).  Thanks for pushing through and being long-term Klonopin free.  Congratulations!

[[Se...]]

Eli, thank you for your update.  It's so hopeful and encouraging.

 

It's quite interesting you posted what you did above.  I went to my brother-in-law's mom's wake/funeral recently and while in the receiving line, was pulled over by my brother-in-law who wanted to ask me about my own (still ongoing) benzo ordeal.  He was curious to know what symptoms I'm having and how I'm feeling overall.

 

He has been having a tough time of it with his mom's illness (cancer) & death, along with other stressors over the past six months or so and had been put on ativan.  He told me it's really helping him and he doesn't intend to be on it long-term.  Even said he "didn't care" about any long-term effects, as it's helping him get by now.  He looked and sounded emotionally flat.  The ativan is working alright, I thought to myself.

 

I told him that regardless of what his doc says, he shouldn't take it longer than two weeks tops, and even taking it intermittently (as I had) carries a risk of dependence and withdrawal.  He then laughed and replied that he's going to take it for as long as he needs it.  The entire conversation was awkward and weird.  I thought, why did he ask me these questions if he was not prepared to take my advice?

 

My summation:  He's in a bad place wrt his current suffering and is looking for ANY temporary relief.  He may or may not suffer w/d.  Even if he should suffer w/d at some point in future, I've done all that I could in sharing my own story.  Unfortunately, some of us have to go through this ordeal firsthand before believing it's something that can actually happen to us.  If he should need me in future, I'll certainly be there for him.

 

Thanks again for coming back and letting us know how great things are for you now.  As each month goes by, I am closer to believing that most of us do, in fact, overcome this.  Further, some even emerge as "new and improved" versions of themselves. 

 

Enjoy your post-benzo life, Eli.

 

 

[[Ca...]]

Eli

 

I read your first post on this thread and then went to you latest post.

 

You are about a year ahead of me in the process.

(somehow my signature disappeared a while back and I haven't rewritten it yet but I had my 3 year off anniversary in November. 2014

 

I keep thinking that maybe I should write my success story but I keep holding off waiting for more success.  I am doing much better in some ways but I can't dismiss the remaining sxs because a few are still quite bothersome.

I can so relate to the joy of life that you wrote about. Just to feel again was an amazing gift.

I have also tried to reach out and warn people that I care about that are down the drug hole.

What you said hit a chord "they all think that I suffered some kind of mental illness" or something to that affect.

Most just can't get past what the doctors are telling them.

I do see the importance of writing a success story here on BB. this is where the suffering people who are actually going through the pain of this need the support to know that we really do heal.

While in the thick of it most of the people here that I associated with were just as ill as I was. How I clung to anything that gave me hope.

Well I am still here,  not as active but still doing my part.

 

I would ask you if you are still noticing improvements since you wrote this last year?

Forgive me if you have already answered this. I didn't read all the posts in between.

 

Wishing you a wonderful happy healthy life.

 

Carol

[[el...]]

Hi Carol,

 

Yes, every year brings more noticeable improvement in some of the physical sx. The biggest seems to be less and less body/joint pain. For years, I thought it was all arthritis, but now I know that it was not. I do have arthritis, but there was definitely pain from the clonazepam and w/d from it that has disappeared. I used to take diclofenac or meloxicam for the pain but now I take nothing.

 

The mental sx have all been long gone. I'm not sure if I can improve anymore in that area. If I do, I won't be able to stand it. There has to be a limit to feeling good.

 

It has been quite the ride, but life is so good now. I never would have believed it until I found out for myself.

 

eli

[[Ca...]]

That is so wonderful to hear. One year behind you and excited to feel even better.

for a while I thought that I would have to settle for partly healed. You have given me hope.

Love Carol

[Guest [mu...]]

Thank you so much for your posts, Eli! Your story and writing has helped me more than anything (I've also read all of your posts on Jennifer Leigh's site). I'm still incredibly sick and literally disabled both physically and neurologically, but I can also see how much this process has changed my spirit for the better... that underneath all of this pain is a freedom and joy that I doubt would have been possible if not for this experience. A lifetime of crippling perfectionism is gone. Fear of life and concern for what other's think about me is gone (even if I still have chemical fear and DP/DR, I can feel a profound freedom underneath). Underneath the layers of symptoms I still cope with, there is a sense of gratitude and wisdom and strength that I had never known before. I know that what is waiting for me on the other side of this is going to be even more incredible that what I can intuit from this still very sick vantage point (and I get the sense that the joy I feel in my tiny, rare windows is just a taste of what's to come). Your posts help confirm these intuitions for me... and for that I am so very grateful.

[[el...]]

Hi mutuuraia,

 

I have to comment on part of your post.

 

For most of my life, I was extremely concerned about what others thought about me. As such, I was a perfectionist. Since I got through w/d, I am completely different. I will not hesitate to share my story with others to the point that it sometimes embarrasses those with me. If others choose to believe I had a mental illness/disorder, that is fine with me. I know I was never mentally disabled except for what I did to myself with booze and what psychiatry did to me with drugs. I am stronger mentally and emotionally than maybe anyone I know. I am happier than they are. They can easily see that.

 

The perfectionism is gone too. For years, the projects I was involved in at work were completely "mine." I didn't trust anyone to have the smallest part in them b/c the work had to be flawless - even to the point of making copies of technical manuals.

 

Now I can accept that nothing really is perfect. I am days away from publishing a book about part of my journey. It has been edited and proofread many times. I am certain there are some very tiny flaws in it (hopefully nothing big). Even so, one of the lessons I have been taught by w/d is that I am human. No one else expects me to be superman. Why should I? In fact, I can't be. It is incredibly freeing.

 

Yes, it does get so much better. The wellness on this side of w/d is amazing.

 

eli     

[Guest [mu...]]

How incredible, thank you Eli... I can't wait to join you on the wellness side someday. For now, it has to be enough that I can "sense" the freedom that your side has to offer, because I definitely cannot "feel" it most of the time. It is more of a faith and an intuition I suppose, although I have caught real glimpses of it from time to time. In any case, stories like yours help me to believe that what I'm sensing is real. In fact, as horrifying as withdrawal has been for me, it scares me more to think of going back to who I was before this happened! I feel like an entirely different person as well (and I'm not even close to being healed yet). It is both terrifying and liberating... but I believe the terror comes from the fact that I am still in withdrawal and still dealing with a lot of cognitive disability and chemical fear, etc etc. The excitement and freedom I feel is beyond that... it's what I know is there beneath my sickness. I feel like a fully reformed inmate forced to serve out the rest of my sentence, my date of release unknown.

 

I'd be so interested in hearing more of your story, especially what life is like now that you are better. I look forward to your book, too... is this something we will be able to purchase in the near future?

 

Thank you again for your encouragement!

m

[[63...]]

***BUMP***BUMP***BUMP***BUMP***BUMP***

 

I just had to log on today to bump this success story, as it is one of the best that i have encountered. It has been a tremedous source of strength and hope for me. I have copied this story (and several others here) on to a doc file and have it in my google drive where i can access it on my phone or pc any time, anywhere. That has been a big life-saver for me.

Thank you, thank you eli for posting your sucees story, and all of the folow up posts answering others questions...it has been a becon of light for me.

 

Kindest regards, -R

[[tr...]]

Thank You Eli,

 

I am not feeling very hopeful today,but your story has given me the strength to at least hold on a while longer. I do believe there is an inner strength and an inner voice,but it is so very hard to hear through all of the painful noise sometimes.

 

I hope I can experience the peace one day that you are now able to enjoy,

 

TH

[[ml...]]

Wow...I know your post and story were posted sometime back, but its amazing and I thank you so much for sharing your incredible story. Really incredible and what a lope giver it is and an overcomer you are!

You should be very proud of your accomplishments and your lifes journey. I hope God gives you many opportunities to share with many hurting people, that were in your same shoes.

Blessings 

[[el...]]

It has been  a while since I’ve been here. I will give a short update but will likely return in August with a 5-year anniversary update. I have been spending a great deal of time messaging with, Skyping, emailing, and talking with others in benzo wd. I have even had the opportunity to visit with some who live within a few hours of me.

 

Since I have finished publishing the book, I have developed a rather long list of “projects” I would like to tackle with respect to benzo wd; however, I have not been able to find the time to take those on. I have, instead, decided to continue to communicate one-on-one with others in wd and also start a couple things locally – primarily having to do with starting some groups.

 

Of course, I am living life and enjoying it. I golfed a few weeks ago for the first time since the year my wd experience started. I’ve also been to many concerts and shows and have been enjoying many sports events.

 

Yes, I did finally finish writing and publishing the book. I initially had it printed locally hardbound. It is also available on Amazon as a paperback or for Kindle. It tells much of my story but will require a follow-up book at some point if I want to complete the story.

 

It is in two parts. The first part is rather intense and serves as my “suffering” credentials. Part 2 is written from the perspective of me being healed and looking back on the first part making sense of it. In the second part, I mention things I did to get through my wd and to keep my hope alive. It’s written as a novel in the third person.

 

Well, I do thank everyone for their kind remarks. Please know that, even though this journey takes time, it ends in a very wonderful place where life is better than it has ever been.

 

See you in August (maybe sooner).

 

Blessings,

 

 

eli 

 

[[Ja...]]

Thanks eli. Looking forward to reading your post in August. So happy for you.

[[An...]]

Eli, I love how reassuring you are that we will all heal. It means so much to every person reading your story I'm sure!! What you're doing helping others in withdrawal is incredible. I'm so grateful that you shared your story and for your updates. Thank you so much!!

[[Co...]]

Eli, I think your success story is my favorite. I love it that you wrote a book, help others trying to heal on a face to face basis and are starting some groups in your community.  You are helping so many people who are suffering greatly.

....thank you for all that you have done....and continue to do to help people through this painful painful process. I will be watching for your post in Aug.....cooperten

[[63...]]

I just re-read this entire thread today (as I have many times this last 15 months), and am posting just to bump this story up so hopefully more people will see it.

 

eli's story is truly remarkable and his responses and updates are priceless! Thank you eli. I look forward to your 5 year update this August!

 

There are a lot of very good sucess stories posted here and I am grateful to each one of the authors. This one, however, should be pinned to the top of the forum, its that good (at least to me )!

 

 

[[bh...]]

Robert, I agree.  What are your symptoms now?

[[bh...]]

bump

[[...]]

That was very good.....my wife. Linn is in her 13th month now and is still having some bad waves that last many days....it gets very disheartening for both of us....it was good to read your story and I'm going to pass this on to linn...I'm going to read some more....wife called.  Have to go....mr linn

[[el...]]

Thank all of you for the kind remarks. They are appreciated.

 

 

This month is my 5-year anniversary of being benzo-free. Paradoxically, it seems like another lifetime ago, yet it seems like only a few months ago. The torture of the withdrawal is still very vivid in my mind although I have retained none of those painful, bizarre thoughts and feelings. Perhaps, that is why it does not seem like five years have passed. Of course, on this side of withdrawal life is completely different – peace, calm, happiness, joy, purpose, courage and so on. It’s very much like living a brand new life – one I had never known even before withdrawal.         

 

In the past year, there have definitely been some additional and unexpected changes – improvements. The biggest one by far is my increased physical stamina and strength. I have always been a workout freak and have been pretty fit. I drank for many years and took clonazepam the last 13 of those years but never really gave any thought to my declining strength and stamina – especially the years I took clonazepam when my thoughts pretty much focused only on working out and getting wasted. I figured I was simply getting older and physical ability was declining for that reason.

 

In the last year, my stamina has increased greatly. Last winter I shoveled snow at four properties. Last fall and this spring and summer I have done a lot of work outside – particularly swinging a mattock. Of course, I also do “formal” workouts on a Total Gym. Since the beginning of this year, I have been able to increase additional weight on it far beyond anything I have ever done. I am easily as strong as I was 20 years ago. I’m sure it was the drinking and clonazepam that held me back all those years. I remember when I resumed working out after my withdrawal began letting go in 2011. I could barely do anything on the Total Gym even at a slight incline. Strength and stamina have come back very rapidly.

 

This has been a difficult year so far for my family and me.  In January, my father-in-law passed away. Two days later my good friend (Gary –the homeless guy) also passed from multiple health issues from living on the streets. My brother-in-law developed some sort of psychotic behavior (which had been slowly progressing although we had no idea what it was) and ended up in the psych hospital two different times. (The second hospital was the one I had been in for 3 weeks back in early 2010. Visiting him was very interesting for me. ) Some other things beyond my control went very sour too at the same time. Life had become a bit of a challenge.

 

In this year, partly because of these difficult things, I have taken a great deal of time to reflect on my own life and how I ended up on psych drugs (clonazepam in particular), the withdrawal from the clonazepam, and the meaning of that journey – especially its spiritual meaning.

 

I wrote something (as a “little story”) a while back about my withdrawal journey and posted it on FB. I will include it here in case it might speak to someone. 

 

A Spiritual Journey

 

As I was mowing the lawn yesterday morning and sweating in the extreme humidity, all kinds of thoughts were passing through my mind. For some reason, my brain is very active when I am walking behind a lawn mower. Maybe it’s the noise of the mower or just the feeling of freedom from being outside - or both – or neither. I really have no idea.

 

One of my first thoughts was the excerpt from my book in which I mention what I just wrote in the first paragraph – the mental “energy” I have while mowing. From there, my mind touched on the fact that I should complete my story (in a second book) by finishing where I left off in part one of the book – my first morning in the psychiatric hospital. Yes, the psychiatric hospital. Three weeks of utter anguish. The surreal walk to my car on a Friday evening as snow was beginning to fall after my last ECT treatment. Sitting on the sofa in my living room thirty minutes later hearing the words of my wife, “You know, this is a spiritual journey.” Even in my psychotic state, I knew the truth of those words and mumbled, “Yeah, I know.”

 

That is where my focus settled as I emptied the first bag of grass clippings yesterday. Spiritual journey. Did I gain any insight or wisdom during the two and a half years of my “spiritual journey” through a hell I had tried to avoid and circumvent but reluctantly ended up going through? Yep, I did. Lots of things, but one was the granddaddy (or grandmother) of them all and is undoubtedly the reason for the “happy, joyous and free” existence I now have. Until yesterday, I had never taken a look at the whole picture of my life, especially as it relates to this subject.

 

I will begin near the beginning where my journey started and try not to get bogged down in details. My mother passed away when I was eight years old. (Although I didn’t know it at the time, her death certificate stated that she committed suicide. She had been taking some sort of psychotropic drugs for postpartum depression and apparently finally gave up.) I recall very vividly the feeling of “I will never see her again.” It was one of those gut-wrenching “how can this be true” feelings of the infinitude of the word “never.” Once the shock wore off sufficiently, I had to find someone to blame for my loss. I turned my bitterness toward the medical establishment. Surely, the doctors could bring her back to life and to me. That’s what this eight-year-old believed. They just didn’t care about my pain. They were cruel and heartless.

 

One would think that I would have placed the blame squarely on God. God created her. God could bring her back to me: God could have prevented her death in the first place. How dare God do this to me? Now that I have the advantage of looking back with a 61-year-old mind that is no longer in anguish, it had been all but impossible for me to blame God as a boy. I had been taught wrongly to, first and foremost, fear God – and I did. I had become very good at it. God had the keys to a place where one burns forever and ever. All it took was to get on his bad side one time and a little boy could become toast...forever. Nope. Not God’s fault. Damn unfeeling doctors.

 

I was hurt. I was bitter. I became very withdrawn from others. I did whatever it took to stay that way. I found the perfect thing to help me do that at the age of thirteen. Booze. It seemed to work for me for many years and allowed me to forget about my monumental loss and my bitterness – or so I thought. Life went on as well as the drinking. I graduated from high school, went to the service, graduated from college, got married and started a career. Now that I look back (and it is very hard for me to admit to myself and others), I realize that I kept myself very emotionally numb all those years. Over the years, I became consciously unaware of why I originally started to drink, and I slowly became addicted to alcohol. Don honestly believed that he “just liked the taste of booze” (and the buzz of course). Everyone around me believed it too.

 

The stage was set for my second monumental loss and my descent into the world of psychiatry which would ensnare me for the next fifteen years. I had built a 15-year career as a trusted and capable scientist. Somewhere in the fifteenth year I was forced to prematurely present the findings of a project I had been working on for over a year. I objected. It was not time to reveal the findings to the public. My objections did no good. The deception and avarice of governmental politics won. My work was destroyed within a few weeks by two power-seeking individuals. I was not permitted to defend my work. My career as a capable scientist ended immediately. No one apologized. No one cared. For years, I seethed a bitterness and hatred that I had never known in my entire life. I remained employed, but I had no career. They had taken it from me and taunted me for being upset. I was consumed with bitterness and remained bound by pure hatred for several years to come.

 

During that time, I began to drink a lot to numb the bitterness and the anxiety that had been created when my career was destroyed. The more I drank, the bigger the anxiety grew until I was having frequent panic attacks. Of course, I went to the doctor, and the drugging began. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was in almost instant tolerance from the clonazepam I had been prescribed. I simply drank more and more to quell the growing anxiety. I tried many times to quit drinking. In desperation, my final attempt was a plea I made on my knees to the Creator – not to simply HELP me quit drinking (which never worked because I could never hold up my part of that bargain) but to MAKE me quit drinking no matter what I would have to go through. I took my final drink a few weeks later, and the anxiety, panic attacks and dark depression that I knew was in my future began.

 

It took seven more months to realize that I needed to ditch the clonazepam if I ever wanted to be well. It took nearly three years from the day I quit drinking to feel mentally and emotionally well again. Early in those many months of withdrawal, I prayed the standard prayer that most of us pray when we are in anguish. I asked for a miraculous healing – for a rapid road to wellness. The more I prayed it, the sicker I became. It wasn't too long until I developed another strategy. This one clearly was not working. Actually, I had become so ill and  desperate that I simply “threw in the towel” and prayed a “white flag” prayer – one of complete surrender. “Father. I hurt. I know that you know that. If I get through this, make me who you want me to be.” I had never prayed such a prayer in my life and meant it as I did now. My prayers had always been “If you do this for me, I promise I will 'be good' and do this for you.” I prayed this prayer thousands of times over the next many months.

 

As I suffered through those months, most of my benzo rage was directed inwardly. It wasn't a bitterness or hatred. It was not the hatred that I had had for myself all those years I drank, when I would get up in the morning after a binge the night before and greet my image in the mirror with “I hate you.” That was gone. There was no animosity toward anyone about anything. That was completely gone. Even the clonazepam-induced grey haze and constant derealization I had lived with for the previous thirteen years didn’t cause me to produce any venom. Somehow, in the midst of all the horrid suffering of benzo withdrawal, the bitterness and hatred of many years evaporated.

 

Now that I am well and can look back on my experience, I see that the spirit of bitterness and hatred was taken from me. That spirit had not served me well at all over the years. It turned a little boy who had lost his mother toward alcohol in order to numb his pain. It turned a forty-something scientist whose career had been decimated by others into someone who wanted to exact painful revenge on those who were responsible. It made that same man turn his own hatred inwardly at himself. It was destroying me from the inside, and I didn't even know. But, the “make me who you want me to be” prayer was honored, and the spirit of bitterness and hatred vanished.   

 

Over the course of my withdrawal and in the months of wellness that have followed, I have identified and acknowledged many spiritual aspects of my journey. Perhaps the greatest thing I have learned was (and still is) that there is a vast difference or distance between my spirit and my thoughts, feelings and actions. In many ways, it seems to defy or contradict what I had been taught over most of my life. It has helped me to develop a better understanding of life, myself and others. I have been “made into a person” I finally like. 

   

 

In the past year, I have communicated with probably over 200 people in withdrawal. The thing that is most remarkable to me is that nearly every person has some symptom they think makes them so unique that they are that one person who cannot possibly heal. I thought exactly the same thing. I thought no one on earth could possibly have the deep, dark, pure, black depression that I had been plagued with moment-to-moment for nearly two years. Of course, I was wrong, but I was certain I was the worst.

 

Just today I got a message from someone saying that she was certain she was not going to heal because she could “feel” it. In the midst of withdrawal, things “feel” so very real –and so horribly bad. But, the feelings are coming from a temporarily damaged brain that is healing. Almost none of the thoughts and feelings bear any resemblance to reality. The feelings simply cannot be trusted until withdrawal is nearing the end. That is when reality and thoughts and feelings begin to converge, and the truth that wellness is arriving (and had always been on its way even in the worst of days) becomes apparent.     

 

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on….because it gets really good.

 

eli

 

[[Ja...]]

So happy for you! Thanks for giving us all hope! Wishing you a wonderful life with continued good health and peace!