eli's story

[[Fr...]]

That's really wonderful Eli!  I too, hope to regain my strength both physically and emotionally.  I was feeling as though a corner had been turned and do have more energy, but the leg nerve pain is acting up today after a week of mostly good days and I'm back to wondering if this will ever end and if I'll ever feel consistently well again. This wd plays a number on one's psyche.

 

I'm so happy you are recovered and feeling so upbeat and well.

 

L.

[[wo...]]

Bump, have to have this story close at hand so I can read it over and over.

[[Lo...]]

Amazing story and recovery!!!! Congrats and so proud of you!

[[Ha...]]

Thank you so much for your story.

 

I'm having a very difficult time.

 

Wondering if it is possible to have some kind of communication with you through this site.

 

I don't know how to "personal message"

 

Do you?

 

[[Mo...]]

Thank you so much for your story.

 

I'm having a very difficult time.

 

Wondering if it is possible to have some kind of communication with you through this site.

 

I don't know how to "personal message"

 

Do you?

 

 

Hi, i'll show you how to pm, its not difficult.

see the members name on your left , click it on, now you see '' send pm''..click again,

then you write your message and click on 'send message', thats it, good luck.

[[Ha...]]

Thank you !

 

Will do

[[Ha...]]

OMG

I just wrote you a long personal message but got timed out so it didn't go through!

How crazy!

I'm laughing at how this small thing made me despair given the state I'm in

 

Have to out now but will try again when I get home.

[[ca...]]

This is my other "go to" success story.....the other one is Lostdog's story.

These two stories are different, but very similar and one thing they have in common, is that they both outline their healing month by month.

 

I love this story and this man is a great help to those of us still suffering.

 

Much love and healing,

Causing

[[...]]

I tool like how it's divided in months, I wish more were like this.

[[el...]]

It’s been 4 years now since I took that last little bit of Klonopin. Life continues to be an adventure. I have found that, since I began to be well from w/d, my energy level (mentally and physically) seems to continue to grow. I have no limitations whatsoever from my w/d experience. It would be nice if the arthritis in my ankles and elsewhere would disappear like the sx of my w/d, but that would be a little much to expect.

 

I am very active in many ways and have to be careful that I don’t go past the “edge.” It’s not an “edge” born of w/d but rather an “edge” that we each have as humans. We all have limitations whether we have been in w/d or not.

 

I do spend a great deal of time messaging and emailing others in w/d and friends/family of others in w/d. I recently finished the manuscript of a book about much of my story and will be resuming phone calls that had been curtailed while I was writing.

 

As I communicate with others, I am finding there is one w/d sx that is common to everyone. That is the fear and terror of w/d never ending. It is the certainty (told by a lying brain) that says, “You will be this way forever. You will never be well.” I call it “withdrawal infinitude.” It’s a feeling of eternal misery. That was my greatest fear and the one that convinced me that benzo w/d is hell on earth – because of its “everlastingness.”

 

What is very interesting, though, is also the thought that, if one knew exactly when he or she would get well (even if it were a year or more), the suffering would be bearable. There would be an “end date” – a time when one knew he or she would feel human again and the suffering would be over. One could attach his or her hope to something specific – something concrete. It is the “not knowing when” that saps hope and makes the journey so difficult. Even when others who have gotten through w/d keep repeating “Everyone heals…in time,” it’s not good enough. If I were omniscient and could tell every person in w/d even the month or season (maybe even year) that he or she would be well, the journey would be much easier. It would simply be like a child “waiting for Christmas.” It might be a long way off, but you know it is coming at a specific time. It would give a hope that nothing else could give. I recall how the journey felt “not knowing when.” It was my number one fear by far.

 

I have also noticed something else. It’s the whole issue of benzo rage. Most of the anger I had in w/d was directed at myself. I believe it was primarily a part of my depression. I didn’t have a rage that I directed outwardly toward others (although I had no good feelings toward others and it made me angry that they were living life without me and even making “suggestions” to me at times about what I needed to do), and I am certain that was simply a function of my personality. My rifle was loaded and aimed, but I just never pulled the trigger.

 

There are times when benzo rage is directed at me. I have been through w/d and understand that rage. Yet, it is still hard for me to handle sometimes. I don’t mention it here to chide or as a warning. I write it only to let others in w/d know that it is almost a certainty that raging against those who have no idea what you are going through will only have extremely negative consequences, drive them further away, and take away any understanding they may have had. I know it’s hard to suffer intensely for so long in silence. If they could learn that just “being there” and listening (usually without words) were enough, it would help. It’s human nature to want to “suggest” things to help. That typically makes things worse.

 

So, life continues to improve on this side of w/d – mostly with respect to purpose and fulfillment. For me (and for many who have made the journey), life after w/d is better than it would have been if I had not endured its suffering.

 

That is my hope for all who follow me and make their way to the shore on which I now stand.

 

Blessings,

eli 

 

[[ca...]]

Thanks so much Eli for coming back and sharing more success with us.

For those of us that are continuing to suffer, this is healing salve to our wounds.

 

I long to be functional again.

I am continuing to pray that healing will happen for me soon.

 

Much love and ongoing healing to you Eli,

Causing

 

[[No...]]

Thank you for sharing ... 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks again Eli.  Needing this today.

[[Bo...]]

Eli

 

SOOO very happy to hear that you continue to be well. 

 

Your term "withdrawal infinitude" IS the worst symptom.  I could take this suffering a lot better if I just knew my healing date.  Not knowing is the hardest thing...by far. 

 

Wishing you a lifetime of continued good health!

 

Thank you for taking the time to post your success story update!!

[[...]]

Thanks eli. So glad that you've returned to share a bit.  Your story was how I found bb n your success story is still my favorite!

[[re...]]

Thanks Eli

You are a saint to so many in wd. Me included! Thank you for sharing so much hope with us all. It's the best medicine every.

 

You are correct that the worst sx is the "withdrawal infinite." I am suffering from that now that I am back in a deep wave. I lose hope that I will ever heal enough to really be functional. Thanks for reminding me that I will heal.

 

 

[[wo...]]

Bump

[[Mo...]]

Bump again.

[[Mo...]]

Bump.

[[sp...]]

Eli,

This is ASTONISHING!!! I AM TRULY AMAZED and MORE THAN INSPIRED! Your story makes me want to work for justice on behalf of those in such psych wards. Much love to you for all you have been through!

[[Co...]]

Such a great recovery story, along with many others. It's weird writing this but it releaves my tired mind reading about someone who had it much, much worse than I (such as Eli and so many others here) and still recovered with TIME. Thanks for all the bumps and for posting this Eli (but you're probably out enjoying your life!)

[[wo...]]

Bumping for survival.... this story is what keeps me hanging on.

[[el...]]

It’s that time of year again. 5 years ago at this very moment I was pacing and sitting and rocking, as those relentless voices in my head chided me and insisted that I go upstairs and end my life. I was moments and inches away from committing suicide. It feels like one huge dream.

 

I am now sitting peacefully in the same room looking out at the mountain and brilliant blue sky (cup of black coffee, of course) – with a serenity that is the total antithesis of the dread, anxiety, and depression I felt 5 years ago. There are no voices. There is no pacing or angst. I am calm and pensive….and in awe of the stark contrast of the “then and now.” It’s as if I am someone else now – a new and transformed human being. It’s even as if the whole world has changed to “meet” me. I see it as it really is – not with a brain that has been tormented by anthropogenic chemicals but with a brain that has had to learn, in the most difficult way possible, how to survive something so horrendous that it now has no choice but to be “happy, joyous and free.” But, even more, it is capable of doing everything it was ever able to do with greater ease and with a sense of almost pure peace. Sometimes I think it is a reward for bearing what most people would find unbearable ….for going the distance, even when it was only in increments of millimeters a day (and sometimes it felt like the progress was actually “in reverse.”)

 

Yesterday was the funeral service for my father-in-law. He was an amazing man and had an amazing family that I have had the privilege of being part of. He was not a churchgoer, so there really was not much the pastor, who didn’t know him, could say about this incredible man and his life. Everyone in the family is terrified to speak in front of others, so I volunteered to write and give the eulogy. It was a privilege. Throughout my life, I have been very anxious about getting up in front of anyone to say anything. I did it for work, but I always had my Klonopin and booze to help me through – or at least knew my two “friends” would be waiting for me when the speaking was over. Even then, I was still not good at it. I would stumble with my words and fidget and feel that constant “they’re looking at me” panic inside.

 

Not so yesterday. I was calm and relaxed. I spoke clearly and with feeling. There was not even a slight bit of nervousness in me. I was “cool as a cucumber.” I know that many of the people listening to me were stunned. The man they saw and heard was not the man they had seen during the many preceding years. Withdrawal has taken fear from me…..completely. I simply don’t fear anything now. While I was in withdrawal, I was terrified that I’d have PTSD when it was over. How could one not have PTSD after such a horrendous spate of mental and emotional suffering? Now I realize that that fear was simply a symptom of withdrawal. I have the opposite of PTSD. I once read Baylissa describing herself now as “having a backbone of titanium.” Didn’t grasp it then, but I do now. It is very true.

 

Absence of fear is only one reward. There are many more. One of them is having the experience of withdrawal to draw upon to help others through the same sort of struggle. It has become more valuable than gold in that way.

 

My father-in-law had been diagnosed with cancer in November 2013. That diagnosis sent my brother-in-law into a tailspin of pure anxiety. That anxiety has escalated for more than a year and has resulted in him turning to Zoloft and Ativan. He had some inner agitation before the Zoloft, but now it’s much more. The Ativan helps a little but not much. He is simply spiraling down the poly-drugging vortex that nearly swallowed me alive. He and his wife saw me scratch and claw my way out of that trap (and he even prevented me from committing suicide three days after I got out of the psych hospital 5 years ago), but I think they viewed my near demise as more of a “mental disorder” than a battle against drugs (and withdrawal from those drugs) that were slowly killing me. I tried to gently caution them a few weeks ago with respect to the drugs, but his wife was less than pleased with me. She had fire in her eyes.

 

This morning my brother-in-law called and wanted to know what I thought about his meds and so on. He is really suffering with akathisia, hopelessness, and all the other drug-induced garbage these drugs can cause. I came up with a “this is what I would do” plan for him and assured him that he would get through this ordeal – even though his brain can’t solve the puzzle and keeps telling him he won’t. I simply will not leave him to fight alone. He did save my life nearly 5 years ago.

 

My point is that he saw me yesterday when I was speaking. He recalls who I was and who I now am. I told him that I am mentally and emotionally better than I had been in the first 5 decades of my life...  night and day really. He desperately wants to be well. He doesn’t want to be filled with anxiety and depression. Nobody does. It’s a terrible way to feel as everyone here knows.

 

Seeing is believing. Recovering from withdrawal and the resulting extreme wellness is honestly like a precious metal or priceless gem….and it can be given to others over and over. It is never depleted….and the privilege of giving it is just as priceless.

 

Hang on everybody. It gets really good…..and keeps getting gooder.

 

eli

 

[[No...]]

Eli ... thank you for this post ... the "view" from the inside is so much different from the "view" outside I am looking forward to ... thank you for your confirmation ...

 

[[sp...]]

Hi Eli,

What a wonderful update. Last night I was filled with despair, but the thought of my two little people and my wonderful husband kept me going. Your story has only aided in putting things in perspective. I am not too old nor too weak to get through this taper nor to recover. I shall get to that place you describe as one of "joy"!!!!

xooxo and thank you for coming back to keep us hopeful!

SC