eli's story

[[Co...]]

margaretrisbel

 

Hi. I was reading one of your posts from June 2012. I am where you were then right now. I tapered off klonopin from Nov. 2012 until June 2013. It was brutal but I did it. Put on valium the day I jumped.. That was 5 months ago. I have steaddily tapered off valium but have had a hell of a time below 1 mg. I have been at .70 mg for a month and am still sick. I am going to start Bart's taper in 2 days and am not feeling as optimistic as I was last week. Parasthesia and anxiety are back. Nausea and tinnitus. All of it. Feeling very depressed and sick. I know that the real healing begins after all the benzos are done but feeling like the protracted taper is chewing me up.

How long did it take you to see continuing improvement.

 

Tired in Colorado

[[La...]]

CC:

 

How severe is your parasthesia, tinnitus, and anxiety?  I have these symptoms frequently during my taper (during the waves but not windows) and they vary from mild to severe, but when they are severe it is only for a short time (usually less than 1 day). Then they wane to moderate, then to mild, then disappear. Only to reappear again during the next wave. I am still pressing on with my taper as I am still getting windows (~1-4 days long) in between the waves.

 

Are the symptoms you describe constant? Or do they let up at all?

[[Co...]]

Hey laserj:

 

I have only had 1 window of 36 hrs abt a month ago. That is the only time when I have no sx. I have had abt 2 really big waves in the last 4-5 weeks. Except for that I am with sx all the time. Differing degrees. It is abt noon in Colorado. I dosed abt 6 am. I have tinnitus and jitters and am nauseous but not really bad nausea. I am paradoxical only at night. But very predictable. I dose abt 6 pm. By seven I am really sick. All of it.

The thing that is really nailing me is anxiety. I have just been through a nasty time w my BF. Much of it has to do with the fact that I have been sick for almost a year. Paranoia also. That is not related to BF. It has been pretty constant all along. Ever since I went below 1 mg of valium it has been a bear in all areas. I am due to cut on Monday. I held an additional 2 weeks as I felt this way 2 weeks ago also. I need to keep going.

 

Still hopeful.

[[el...]]

Thank you.,.  margaretisabel, causingpain, and Morreweg.

 

mi – I remember what it was like to finally get glimpses of “me” again. I thought “me” was gone forever – or if he returned I wouldn't know who he was. But I knew immediately. 22 months is awesome. I am glad you are seeing yourself again.

 

cp – You are very close where I was when I started to feel like I was human. Full recovery is amazing. It just happens.

[[ma...]]

So sorry Colo to hear you are struggling.

I had a very difficult time througout.

I did a 9month taper, & then struggled seriously for 22 months- hardly able to function at all.

I am just starting to get real relief now at 23 months- & its happening fast. Go figure.

All I know is that everyone's time & symptoms, are so different.

It can be a nightmare for some, beyond doubt.

Reading these Success stories helped me immensely to keep hanging on.

Sometimes that is all you can do, & ask others for help here on the forum.

I am not on much these last weeks, as my hubby is having serious health problems & needs help.

Be as patient & kind to yourself as you can.

You will recover.

Meanwhile, know you are not alone & that it will eventually get better.

 

margaretisabel

 

 

[[ca...]]

Hey Eli,

 

I come back here often and read your story, because it is so inspiring and you are amazing.

Your story gives me so much hope.

I am at some awkward stage….I am not severe, I am not healed…

I am in some kind of in-between place and I am know I am getting better almost daily…but it is still so slow.

I know you understand.

 

I just wanted to thank you again for your success story.

I hope you are only continuing to improve with each and every day.

 

God Bless and God Speed to our complete healing,

Causing

[[Co...]]

Margaretisabel,

 

It is good to know that you are healing. I am holding my own this week. Held my last cut...6 weeks ...I will cut Monday after Thanksgiving. I am off work Wed-Sun. This is rare. Hoping I will feel good. My head is in a good place. That is 1/2 the battle.

 

Happy Thanksgiving from Colorado!

[[ca...]]

I love this story….and apparently I need this story.

It is one that is getting me through this.

 

Much love and healing,

Causing

[[Ai...]]

Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you, Eli.  You went through a lot, you hung in there.  You are now helping others, especially me.

 

Airbornemom

[[ca...]]

.

[[el...]]

At this hour on January 15, 2010, I was “checking in” at the Pennsylvania Psychiatric Institute. My wife and I were directed to go in a door at the side of the building – almost as if it was a secret passage or something. Upon entering we were met by a lady who directed us to have a seat –something nearly impossible for me to do because of the severe akathisia. I complied while she got all the important information from me that they would need to help me – my insurance information. In a few minutes, a tall, strange-looking guy joined us – Dr. Anderson (who was actually some sort of intern).

 

He asked me a bunch of questions about anxiety, appetite, sleep, memory, suicidal thoughts, and so on. There were only two specific things he said to me that I recall now. First, he assured me that they would help me and that I would be feeling much better when I left the facility. I was uneasily at ease. I kept wondering how good a place this could be if you had to come in the side door through the alley. Were they ashamed of what they did there? Or maybe ashamed of their clientele? Anyway, I hoped his statement was true. I had more hope then than I had 12 hours earlier when I was at home getting ready to commit suicide.

 

The second thing I remember is that, when he started talking to me, he named three “objects” – one of which was a penny. At the end of the conversation, he asked me what those three things were. In the next three weeks, the same procedure would be followed many times when a doctor would talk to me. The only object I ever remembered was the penny. I usually guessed at the other two. I still only remember the penny. I always got the same stare after my guesses – the one that told me I was hopelessly mentally ill.

 

So, after my initial check in, we made our way up to the 7th floor for my next check in. The nurse showed me around the floor and then showed me my room. I had a roommate. His name was Paul. He snored. Paul was a repeat visitor. I was so dazed with derealization and depression that I didn’t really notice how scary that place was. I do recall someone moaning and crying all night in the hallways. That occurred every night during my 3-week stay.

 

The next morning (Saturday) I met the on-call psychiatrist. She knew nothing about me so, realizing her sole purpose and duty were to indiscriminately medicate with wild abandon, she did so. She said she puts everyone on Wellbutrin, and she proceeded to prove it to me. She told me that my very own psychiatrist would be there Monday to medicate me more properly. Monday morning arrived, and many of us quickly learned that our own personal psychiatrist was on vacation. I was too sick from the Wellbutrin and Klonopin tolerance w/d to even care. Not to worry though because they pulled another shrink out of retirement to correctly medicate us. And she did. She changed my Wellbutrin to clomipramine, and the hell of the next three weeks began.

 

In those three weeks, I believe they were trying to torture me as much as they could without quite killing me. I think it is called misery maximization or agony amplification. They must have a psychiatry course on it because it was very methodical and done to perfection. It included multiple anti-depressant trials, cold-turkey from 4 mg Klonopin, forced therapy and 12-step meetings, being treated and talked to like an addict, sleep deprivation, and it culminated in four ECT treatments.

 

How I lived through that and the ensuing weeks of inexpressible suffering I will never know. I never knew there could be such agony. I still have trouble comprehending it. Sometimes it seems like a dream – almost as though it never occurred….but it did. I have witnesses of both the suffering and of my complete recovery. Sometimes I ask them if I was really that bad. They just nod. There are never words. 

 

I know I survived one day at a time and often a minute at a time. I am well and healthy now….and have been for about two years. The terror and black depression are long gone. The physical sx have all faded – even sx that I had never attributed to Klonopin use or w/d from it (until they disappeared). Tinnitus still remains – still only a nuisance.

 

I now spend much of my time on the phone with others going through w/d or messaging, emailing, and blogging. I have the healing house. I am making connections with others who are also wanting to get involved in helping people through w/d and preventing others from ever taking benzos in the first place. We have been doing a lot of brainstorming…with much more to do.

 

Throughout most of my w/d experience, I had no one who understood what was happening to me except for a friend who went through something similar years earlier (post-acute w/d from alcohol abuse). I didn’t discover the forums till I was 7 months off the K. In 7 more months, I started to feel human again.

 

So, this is an update of sorts – although it’s not too different from the one last November. It does help me to recall just how incredibly ill I was four years ago. I honestly did not believe I would live through the damage done to me in the hospital.

 

But…. I lived…...I healed…….I am well…..and Dr. Anderson was wrong.

 

Penny…… desk?......book?

 

Still can’t remember.

 

eli                 

 

[[Ks...]]

That is a very tragic story and I commend you for the immense strength you must have to pull through. I cannot imagine. Thank you for sharing.

[Guest [to...]]

You are always my inspiration eli 

[[ca...]]

Eli,

 

I come to this story when I am hurting and afraid this will not ever end.

 

I have had moments that I have felt human…but for the most part I continue to suffer.

 

Did you have pressure in your head?

When did it end for you.

When did the problems walking end?

I guess I am desperate tonight and wonder if you can give me any idea of how much longer?

I know you can't, but I had to ask.

 

Thanks for being there for us and coming back.

We need you.

 

Thanks,

Causing

[[Mo...]]

Eli , i am losed for words. now i know what happened to so many poor people when i was at the Detox hospital.

i had to google ECT and i feel sick now. what on earth is going on with our medical profession,

with our society ? Boy , am i happy to hear that you have survived.

you must have had a guardian angle watching over you. i wonder how many folks have

to go through this torture right now, right at this moment. its criminal.

[[Mo...]]

correction... lost...for words of course. my benzo brain.

[[Ro...]]

At this hour on January 15, 2010, I was “checking in” at the Pennsylvania Psychiatric Institute. My wife and I were directed to go in a door at the side of the building – almost as if it was a secret passage or something. Upon entering we were met by a lady who directed us to have a seat –something nearly impossible for me to do because of the severe akathisia. I complied while she got all the important information from me that they would need to help me – my insurance information. In a few minutes, a tall, strange-looking guy joined us – Dr. Anderson (who was actually some sort of intern).

 

He asked me a bunch of questions about anxiety, appetite, sleep, memory, suicidal thoughts, and so on. There were only two specific things he said to me that I recall now. First, he assured me that they would help me and that I would be feeling much better when I left the facility. I was uneasily at ease. I kept wondering how good a place this could be if you had to come in the side door through the alley. Were they ashamed of what they did there? Or maybe ashamed of their clientele? Anyway, I hoped his statement was true. I had more hope then than I had 12 hours earlier when I was at home getting ready to commit suicide.

 

The second thing I remember is that, when he started talking to me, he named three “objects” – one of which was a penny. At the end of the conversation, he asked me what those three things were. In the next three weeks, the same procedure would be followed many times when a doctor would talk to me. The only object I ever remembered was the penny. I usually guessed at the other two. I still only remember the penny. I always got the same stare after my guesses – the one that told me I was hopelessly mentally ill.

 

So, after my initial check in, we made our way up to the 7th floor for my next check in. The nurse showed me around the floor and then showed me my room. I had a roommate. His name was Paul. He snored. Paul was a repeat visitor. I was so dazed with derealization and depression that I didn’t really notice how scary that place was. I do recall someone moaning and crying all night in the hallways. That occurred every night during my 3-week stay.

 

The next morning (Saturday) I met the on-call psychiatrist. She knew nothing about me so, realizing her sole purpose and duty were to indiscriminately medicate with wild abandon, she did so. She said she puts everyone on Wellbutrin, and she proceeded to prove it to me. She told me that my very own psychiatrist would be there Monday to medicate me more properly. Monday morning arrived, and many of us quickly learned that our own personal psychiatrist was on vacation. I was too sick from the Wellbutrin and Klonopin tolerance w/d to even care. Not to worry though because they pulled another shrink out of retirement to correctly medicate us. And she did. She changed my Wellbutrin to clomipramine, and the hell of the next three weeks began.

 

In those three weeks, I believe they were trying to torture me as much as they could without quite killing me. I think it is called misery maximization or agony amplification. They must have a psychiatry course on it because it was very methodical and done to perfection. It included multiple anti-depressant trials, cold-turkey from 4 mg Klonopin, forced therapy and 12-step meetings, being treated and talked to like an addict, sleep deprivation, and it culminated in four ECT treatments.

 

How I lived through that and the ensuing weeks of inexpressible suffering I will never know. I never knew there could be such agony. I still have trouble comprehending it. Sometimes it seems like a dream – almost as though it never occurred….but it did. I have witnesses of both the suffering and of my complete recovery. Sometimes I ask them if I was really that bad. They just nod. There are never words. 

 

I know I survived one day at a time and often a minute at a time. I am well and healthy now….and have been for about two years. The terror and black depression are long gone. The physical sx have all faded – even sx that I had never attributed to Klonopin use or w/d from it (until they disappeared). Tinnitus still remains – still only a nuisance.

 

I now spend much of my time on the phone with others going through w/d or messaging, emailing, and blogging. I have the healing house. I am making connections with others who are also wanting to get involved in helping people through w/d and preventing others from ever taking benzos in the first place. We have been doing a lot of brainstorming…with much more to do.

 

Throughout most of my w/d experience, I had no one who understood what was happening to me except for a friend who went through something similar years earlier (post-acute w/d from alcohol abuse). I didn’t discover the forums till I was 7 months off the K. In 7 more months, I started to feel human again.

 

So, this is an update of sorts – although it’s not too different from the one last November. It does help me to recall just how incredibly ill I was four years ago. I honestly did not believe I would live through the damage done to me in the hospital.

 

But…. I lived…...I healed…….I am well…..and Dr. Anderson was wrong.

 

Penny…… desk?......book?

 

Still can’t remember.

 

eli               

I love reading your stories Don. They did a memory test on me too, 3 words I do not recall. I was asked to state them backwards but could only remember 1. I can't even recall that one right now. Pencil maybe? Wow how the memory goes! Still trying to watch TV (getting better with the sports). I sure didn't need the movie channels these last 3 months lol. Keep being you Don =)

 

 

 

Robb

[[St...]]

Dear Eli - Don,

 

I don't know how I missed your story all this time.  Wow - what a story and you tell it so good.  Your expanded posts add so much to your first post on this thread which in itself was full of pain and relief.

 

You totally give me hope that healing will happen to me.  I am 28 1/2 months off - was doing good - wrote my success story then got slammed.  Right now I am trying to eat good, walk daily outside or treadmill, sleep and just do what I can to distract and let this time pass. 

 

Please come back as you can and keep telling your story.  You truly have the ability to encourage others - I can feel optimism thru your words.

 

Can you tell us what you did after you left the hospital until you started feeling the healing?  Did you just go home and survive?  Did you change your diet or exercise?  What's the in between story of your recovery?

 

May you continue to be blessed in your life and succeed to getting the benzo group started.

hugs,

Sally   

[[Ho...]]

You are my hero!

[[el...]]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.

 

causingpain – I had the head pressure sx for a few months at the beginning of w/d, but it didn’t hang around too long.  The problems caused by derealization (dizziness and boaty feeling) lasted a very long time. ..but I had those every day for the 13 years I took K and drank. It’s a miracle that they even went away, but they did. I thought they might stay forever.             

               

Stillbelieving - That is a good question – the “in between” part of my story. No one has ever asked me about that time, and I have never really written much about it. It is one of the most important parts of the story. It was one of my periods of “enlightenment” when I came to grips with what was happening to me. It was a time of denial of the truth, terror about the truth, and finally the most important and necessary part of my recovery (or anyone’s recovery) – acceptance of the truth.

 

When I got out of the hospital in the first week of February 2010, I was in extremely acute w/d. I was in agony. The derealization was completely unimaginable. I remember getting wings for the Super Bowl game (Colts – Saints). The wings tasted like metal. I rocked back and forth during the game. I didn’t even have the sound on because my hearing was extremely sensitive. I couldn’t even watch the halftime ads. They terrified me.

 

I remember looking at a list of hundreds of benzo w/d sx published by TRAP I believe. I had nearly all of them in one form or another. We had two very big snowstorms that first week (The first one started as I was stumbling away from the hospital on the Friday I was discharged.) My wife and I actually shoveled snow from the driveway that week (3 to 4 foot drifts). My BP was 240/120. (I recall because it was equal to “2” and the number on the bottom used to be the one on the top.) I fully expected to have a stroke and die in the driveway. I didn’t really care one way or the other.

           

Anyway, after about a week, the acute w/d did not improve so I reinstated 1 mg K (which is what I took during the previous 12+ years). I thought that I might at least live then for a while. In the next week, I went to see a therapist (which did not help in the least) and also a very scary psychiatrist. I was still in acute w/d (but it was at least a bit more bearable). She put me on Cymbalta, BuSpar, and Vistaril to supplement the K and Remeron that I was already on. She told me that, once I “stabilized” (whatever that meant), she would get me off the K in a couple weeks because it was one of the “easier” ones to discontinue.

 

In a couple weeks, I discontinued the Cymbalta. It felt like it was killing me. After two weeks out of the hospital, I somehow managed to go back to work. I was still on the BuSpar which kept me constantly wonky and in a perpetual daze of unreality. I ditched the BuSpar a few weeks later.

 

Somehow I was able to go to my place of employment for the next 7 months. To say that I did anything of significance would not be true. I sat there and suffered and shook in terror all day. I spent a lot of time googling PAWS (post-acute w/d). Up to this point, I thought my problem was simply PAWS from the alcohol and also mental illness because that is what all the “experts” kept beating into my ailing brain. The shrink was adamant that my problem had nothing to do with K. I did happen to see the wikipedia discussion on benzo w/d and that it could last up to 2 years. I remember being glad that I wasn’t in w/d from benzos. I had not yet discovered that there is something called tolerance w/d.

 

In my search for information on PAWS, I came across a blog run by an addiction specialist. I commented about my situation – that I had been sober for about 7 months and was taking K. He told me I would never be well until I got rid of the K – something about cross-tolerance. He had to be wrong (or so I thought). I thought the K would help me get through PAWS. I had no idea it was keeping me in tolerance w/d. I was terrified. He HAD to be wrong. I had already gotten off the K in the hospital, and it almost killed me. I clearly” needed” it. I messaged him several more times. He told me he was in the same boat years ago. He ct’d both booze and K, and it took him 2 years to get well. Terror ate at my guts. How could I possibly ever get well? I had already tried the up-dose and nearly ended my own life before going to the hospital. I had already been completely off the K and would have killed myself the following Monday if my brother-in-law had not been there to prevent me from doing so.

 

I was between the rock and hard place. Up-dosing was out. Getting off was out. Living in the constant misery I was already experiencing was out. What to do? This is when I finally had to accept the truth. I bit the bullet and convinced my doctor to wean me off the K. We thought we would play it safe and cut 1/8th mg every two weeks. In May 2011 I began the taper and ended on August 6. (I got impatient toward the end.) That was about a 9 or 10-week “taper.” I remember my new shrink making fun of me for such a slow taper. My therapist chided me for being “married” to my drug –like a street junkie.

 

On the day that I took my last dose, my shrink put me on Pristiq – a horrid drug. I managed one month on that. When I quit taking it, the bottom fell out completely, and w/d nailed me to the wall. My career ended. I could not bear the thought of returning to work. Over the next 6 or 7 months, I kept looking for the “magic pill” that would make me well – one month on Seroquel and 10 weeks on Lexapro. They made my w/d much worse. At about 7 months off the K, I discovered the benzo forums and learned an enormous amount of information concerning benzo w/d. Most importantly, I realized that I was not insane. There were many others experiencing the same sx, and many had already beaten the benzo beast. Maybe I could too.

 

The rest of my recovery story is in the original post (although there are many “little stories” covered by that post). It has been amazing really. It’s still hard to fathom that I traveled such a hard road and got to my destination in the best mental and emotional condition of my life. It’s good stuff….the best stuff. 

 

Keep holding on. It gets good....real good.

 

eli or Don (I answer to both.) 

 

[Hey, Robb. Maybe we can watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Hobbit movies once you are well. The wings, pizza, stromboli, and whatever else are on me. Be strong my brother.]   

 

[[St...]]

Wow Don, 

 

I am just sitting here shaking my head and feeling a loss for words.  What a journey you have been on.  Thank our Lord for you surviving and being here to encourage others.

 

How do drs not know of these drugs - there is story after story of their distruction - you know that word has to get spread around amongst the medical field.  I just don't understand.  I mean you do hear of drs that don't prescribe benzos or opiates - I have a sister that just started with a new dr that announced that to her.  I had a former md that didn't prescribe benzos but then she never spoke out about why.

 

It won't help us, but surely the prescribing tide will change.  I at least hope so but that is millions of people dependent in the mean time.

 

I'll have to re read your post to my question on the in between story but I think it was just survival - one day at a time. 

 

May you continue to tell your story and help others,

healing be to all of us,

hugs,

Sally 

[[ca...]]

Wow Eli/Don,

 

You have such a powerful survival/success story.  I so appreciate you coming back and sharing your truth.

You are proof that we do heal completely.

 

I feel like things are improving, but WOW, it is so slow and there is so much suffering in between. What I have learned from BB is to stay away from doctors, especially the one's that do not know, understand or acknowledge PAWS.

 

Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your truth.

I too hope that you are able to help many more people and continue with your mission.

 

You give me hope to carry on and help other's too, when I am healed.

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

Causing

 

[[fl...]]

Hi eli1111

Iam Flavio >Iam 41 years old.I drunk alcohol for 24 years and I took benzos for 19 years .All this time I mixed these drugs.Now Iam 21 months alcohol free and 17 months benzo free.I feel better but I suffer very much.I stiil have nerve pain ,muscle shrink and pain ,sweating ,extremely blurry vision and more...Your story gave me another piece of hope.I was an actor .I worked for15 years in this profession .Now I cant .Iam afraid and I lost faith in myself .But your story helps me to keep on and wait.Thank you very mych.

God bless you

[[el...]]

Hi flavio. Congratulations on 21 months of sobriety. That is awesome. 17 months off the benzos is a lot of healing time. You can definitely do this. It just takes time. Your confidence will return, and you will be a better actor (or whatever you choose to be) than you ever were.

 

I am confident that I can do anything I want now. I can do things I never could do before w/d. The fear will evaporate and be replaced by a calmness that is hard to describe. It's a kind of "peace" about life and my place in it.

 

Hang on. It gets a lot better. 

[[Co...]]

Hi Eli...so very happy for you...you have touched so many with your kindness...and honesty...undoubtedly helping so many here. I read and remember so many of your posts to Hope4us...your patience I lacked with her...felt I wasn't getting thru and so moved on to others but you never did. I really admire you for standing by her as she is worth the effort. Take good care of yourself and just be happy.  Colleen