eli's story

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What a hopeful story, Eli! I am still in valium withdrawal from taking it for several years, and this gives me hope of a full recovery. I'm on month six after stopping, and had no idea what I was in for -- like everyone else.

 

I have a friend whose husband has been on clonazepam for 15 years and hasn't even begun the healing process (though he has tried many times without success to wean himself), so I am going to make sure he sees your story.

 

I love your Tozer quote. It seems to be true: "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.” - A.W. Tozer

[[La...]]

Don's got a great website at http://www.merryjoyousfree.com/ if you're interested in seeing how he is. He puts up new videos all the time and answers questions that others may have.

[[An...]]

Don's got a great website at http://www.merryjoyousfree.com/ if you're interested in seeing how he is. He puts up new videos all the time and answers questions that others may have.

 

Thank you so much Lapis!!

[[La...]]

You're welcome! I check out Don's videos regularly. He's compassionate and caring, and his wellness shows us that even if you've been through a lot, you can still heal. I appreciate his inspiration so much. 

[[Be...]]

Amazing story! So happy for you Eli! Can I ask you are symptom free now?

[[el...]]

Hi All,

 

It has been a while since I've posted here. I've been really busy with messaging with others on FB and email and doing other life things. Of course, there is the website. (I think we are up to 51 videos now.) If you follow the website at all, you know that I've actually been studying neuroscience in an effort to understand what benzos do to the brain and, more importantly, how the brain responds to their presence. It has been quite fascinating really. After a couple months, I did finally finish a draft of what I have learned and what the brain appears to do in response to the presence of benzos.

 

I would often see the word "downregulation" and wonder what it meant. I had read various explanations here and elsewhere but wanted to get it from a textbook and published works. The next step,of course, is to search for a hypothesis or theory that would lead me (or someone else) to something that could reverse the "process" of benzo wd (and maybe even wd from other psychotropics). The scientist (and spirit) within me lead me to believe there is such a thing.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how benzo wd has transformed me (and many others who told me it would be so in their success stories). As bad as it was in wd is how good it is now - truly. Even before I ever took a benzo, I was a very shy withdrawn person who spent much of his life living in fear and anxiety. (I'm sure much of that was from my less than happy childhood.) It was impossible to get close to me. I simply would not let you.

 

Now I like being around other people and have no fear or anxiety about anything. I lead discussion groups. I talk in front of others. I make videos about my experience. I am a completely different person. Many people in wd are afraid they have lost contact with who they really are to the extent that they believe the terrified, depressed mess they feel they have become is really them. I was certain of that when I was so ill.

 

In reality, we are still who we always have been and we will each recognize that person when we see them on the horizon. And they will be smiling a smile so happy and peaceful that we will cry tears of eternal relief and joy...and the two will embrace and become one...one who is better in every way than ever before.

 

It will happen...and it will be beyond description.

 

Blessings,

 

eli1111

Don       

[[Ho...]]

Don,

 

I am amazed to read you were withdrawn, shy, fearful and anxious pre-benzo! Since having met you there  is no way I would have said any of that about you! It is very encouraging as I would say I was quite a fearful quiet person as well, and am hoping to come out of this fearless! My pastor has indicated she would like me to give my testimony at some point and the thought terrifies me! I hope I am wrong and will be bold as a lion!

[[el...]]

Hopeful- One,

 

On the first Easter morning after I was feeling quite well again, I actually sat in front of the congregation at church with our young pastor and answered questions about what I had been through. The theme for the service was "transformation." I sat very calmly and explained my experience and how I was now a completely transformed person...completely. (For me to sit in front of all those people was proof really.) It had become obvious to everyone that "something" had happened to me. For well over 2 years they saw me at my worst - very depressed, afraid and weak. Now I was a happy, joyous and free man who had not a care in the world. The most amazing thing...no fear. None....after living in constant terror for 2 1/2 years.

 

You have an awesome story to tell and a warrior spirit that amazes me really. You will feel no fear....just a relief and gratitude that is beyond description...and an awe of the Faithful One who was there all the time and brought you through. You will be fine when the time comes.

 

 

 

   

 

[[Ho...]]

Hopeful- One,

 

On the first Easter morning after I was feeling quite well again, I actually sat in front of the congregation at church with our young pastor and answered questions about what I had been through. The theme for the service was "transformation." I sat very calmly and explained my experience and how I was now a completely transformed person...completely. (For me to sit in front of all those people was proof really.) It had become obvious to everyone that "something" had happened to me. For well over 2 years they saw me at my worst - very depressed, afraid and weak. Now I was a happy, joyous and free man who had not a care in the world. The most amazing thing...no fear. None....after living in constant terror for 2 1/2 years.

 

You have an awesome story to tell and a warrior spirit that amazes me really. You will feel no fear....just a relief and gratitude that is beyond description...and an awe of the Faithful One who was there all the time and brought you through. You will be fine when the time comes.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh thankyou for the amazing encouragement and support Don. I like the idea of a question and answer format. Maybe I will suggest that. You have said you believe the brain may actually be rewired due to withdrawal. That must be the case to have such transformation as you have experienced. It seems it may be that our psyche has felt/seen/experienced the very worst and there is nothing more it can fear. It sure sounds like that was the case for you. So before your healing the thought of speaking in front of others terrified you?

[[el...]]

Hopeful-One,

 

From what I have studied so far, it seems obvious that the brain alters gene expression as a reaction to the inhibitory effects of benzos (at least in many people). I believe the key to "recovery" is the brain "reversing" that process - which may well be embedded in the way the brain remembers/forgets injurious or harmful events. This could all be a function of of the biochemistry/physiology of what we call "memory" -which is a fundamental part of learning. I believe the brain "learns" by not only forgetting things but also remembering things at a biochemical level. In a sense this is the "rewiring" - biochemically learning in a different way based on memory. I know that sounds like double talk, but it does make sense in a way I am still exploring.

 

More to your question, yes, speaking in front of others was extremely difficult for me. I could force myself to do it for my job, but it was always scripted to the very word. It was an exercise in anxiety and terror. That has all changed. I am able to think now in front of an audience without getting flustered.

 

I know you are still struggling with the irrational fear of benzo wd, but I can tell from your videos that you have a natural inner courage and resolve that is completely set apart from the benzo fear. It's a controlled, "stand alone" courage that seems to be fueled within your spirit. You will be fine.

 

 

[[Ho...]]

Your almost unbelievable comments about me have me in awe. I have no idea what you see, but must believe you see it nevertheless. I am humbled and grateful for your words of support and encouragement. The thought of a future with"no fear" as you said, is so beyond my daily terrifying existence, it feels like a huge taunting lie! Completely out of any realm of possibility. I guess that's what faith is for, to believe for the seeming impossible. Then again, that's who God is, that's what He does isn't it?

 

I sometimes wonder about this strength you and others have commented on. I question if God allows longer trials for those of us He may see as warriors. In my best moments (which are exceedingly rare), I feel honored to have been chosen to suffer for so long and deeply for His purposes. We do need those who have carried the torch longer and farther for others to follow don't we? But dear God, there is only so much any of us can take. Hasn't 37 plus months with vey little improvement sufficed? Have mercy. Its been a brutal Mothers day.

 

Thanks for listening to my musings friend. 

[[...]]

Please everyone, tell Don how much we need him and what a kind, selfless, brave soul he is.

 

Don we love you. You are an inspiration and your videos life saving. Please don't leave 

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

 

[[La...]]

marj, did he talk about leaving?

[Guest [We...]]

Yes, check his latest video.

[[...]]

marj, did he talk about leaving?

 

Yes I'm gutted. He's had some people being mean about him and he's an Angel personified and just wants to help.

[Guest [We...]]

And from what I remember from the video, he helped those people while they were in withdrawal, and now they're attacking him.

[[La...]]

Oh, I didn't know about that. I'm a bit behind in watching his videos, so perhaps he mentioned that in one of his more recent ones. That would be a huge shame! I really appreciate what Don is doing, and I'm sure many others do as well.

 

The online world can be so mean, and I never understand why people can't just take the high road.

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Its OK,  he is back yay. Massive relief,  the support he gives is priceless and so relieved he's reconsidered. The thing with Don is he has no ulterior motive or ego to feed. He just cares 

[[In...]]

Hi Eli. Just read your success story I know it was a long time ago now, but am hoping you might get this and give me some hope.  I have been fighting for 22 months now and am in a terrible wave.  I was on Lorazapam for ten years. I got off tapering and because of withdrawal symptoms my doctor told me I was relapsing and told me to reinstate. I did but seemed to get worse. I finally found Benzo Buddies and I think I cried for hours realizing because of reinstating I was probably kindled. I went off again after a taper and am now still inhell. I have just got new symptoms in the last month of shaking and buzzing in my arms and legs.  They are also very weak. I am so scared and I don’t have any support from anyone and only god to talk to.  I’m just so worried that at being this far out I shouldn’t be having new symptoms like this. I am so scared right now. I’m 63 years old and haven’t been able to work since this all started.  I guess I just need someone who has been through this to give me some hope. I really feel like giving up lately as I’m just so exhausted from this.  I hope you are still doing well and I thank you for letting me vent as my family and friends have all walked away from  me  they think I am making it all up as they think withdrawal couldn’t possibly be lasting this long. I have had some good days but never a whole good day and never felt completely normal. I just want to feel normal again so badly and all I do right now is cry over everything I can’t do anymore.

[[la...]]

Thank you for your story Eli. It gives everyone hope.

Can you please tell me what kind of heart palps you had and when did they go? It is such a terrible symptom and my biggest fear that it will never leave. Thanks

[[ri...]]

Wow, I’m glad this got bumped. What an inspiring story. Thank you for giving the rest of us who are struggling hope. 

[[La...]]

eli is Don Killian, and if you're interested, he has a website here:

 

http://www.merryjoyousfree.com/ 

 

He posts information and videos, so you can probably reach him that way.

[[Pi...]]

eli is Don Killian, and if you're interested, he has a website here:

 

http://www.merryjoyousfree.com/ 

 

He posts information and videos, so you can probably reach him that way.

 

Lapis,  Thank you so much for posting and sharing  Don Killian’s website. I  will start reading and visiting the website for inspiration and hope of healing.

 

Blessings!

Pi

 

 

 

[[La...]]

You're welcome! I used to watch his videos all the time, but I stopped for awhile. After putting that link up, I checked out a few recent videos, just to see what's up. Lots of good info and support! He's a good man.

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One amazing person right here in Don..........