eli's story

[Guest [to...]]

Hi towardsthesun and benzobetty –

 

Benzobetty, I had forgotten one of my “landmarks” of healing that came somewhere around 9 months (where you are). Last evening I happened to be listening to a certain song, and it brought back an amazing memory from my healing experience. In fact, as I listened to it, I PMd another member here and told her about it.

 

One Saturday right around 9 months (maybe a bit later), I had just finished mowing the lawn and was putting the car back in the garage. We always have a jazz CD playing when the car is turned on. So, this amazing song by David Benoit began playing, and for the first time in about 18 months of w/d I could “feel” the beauty of the music. I just sat there in the car in the garage and sobbed. It was an intense sense of relief and joy – undeniable evidence that I was healing.

 

Many things ran through my brain at that moment, but one was the thought – “So, that’s what pleasure feels like. I remember now.” The mental part of my w/d up to that point had been so gruesome that I could not remember what pleasure was. I had even convinced myself that I had never really experienced pleasure in my entire life – that all those years when I thought I was happy I was just lying to myself. Oh, the crazy mind games our brains play on us in w/d. Now, I find pleasure and purpose around nearly every corner during the day. It’s such a vast change from the misery of w/d.

 

Sometimes I will sit quietly and think about the depths of torment I experienced when I was in the midst of w/d. It’s still hard to believe I am alive and well. It is unfathomable… indescribable… but true.

 

eli

 

Hi eli and thank you ever so much.

 

I have read your post at exactly the right time.... I am lost and loosing faith your post as given me a spark of hope.  I cry as I type in pain and cog fog from the depths of my despair I wonder when this torment will end.

 

peace and healing to you.

towardsthesun

 

[[to...]]

Hi Eli, wanted to ask you something, do you still take any medicine for stomach issues like antacids or something (bloating - acidity - stomach cramps) or these are all gone, still have some issues with my stomach specially bloating and acidity, gets really aggrivated with food selection like, 4 days ago ate peanuts, I guess I had a weird reaction to it, never tried it for so long, better now, but just wondering. Thanks bro

[[be...]]

Ahhhh what a beautiful moment for you Eli....that sounds soooo beautiful.....I am waiting anxiously for those moments to come.....

 

The worst part is the insomnia, severe tinnitus, dp/dr and lack of feelings....its as if I am a robot at times and it really does suck......just feel like I will never be completely well again and it scares me cuz I am only 54 years old......sorry to sound so Doom & Gloom....rough nights right now...cant sleep cuz ringing is too intense and then I wake up throughout the night....running on 4 hours of broken sleep even after taking 2 benadryl....geez.

 

Anyway....just venting...thanks again Eli.....have a great weekend!!

 

BB.

[[Sc...]]

Good Job Eli!

Thanks for the support! It's incredible and sad how similar all of our stories are. I was convinced I was making no progress. Your story about the psych unit reminded me of my own days of tolerance and acute wdl. My story also started with an adverse reaction to an antidepressant. Guess I have made big strides. It's just so much slower than I could ever imagine. Like hands on a clock that never seem to move until they have.

I'm happy for you

Scott

Benzo Free August 22nd 2012

[[el...]]

Hi towardsthesun, tommy1234, benzobetty, and ScottA.

 

towardsthesun – The pain and cog fog will disappear, and when that day arrives you will cry tears of relief and joy instead of tears of depression and anxiety. My cog fog was extremely bad when I was at 4 or 5 months (where you are now I think) and lasted for quite some time after that. But it did lift with all the other mental stuff. It seemed impossible for such a long time, but one day it “just started to happen.” It felt like a miracle –and really was.

 

tommy – Way back when I was put on K, I also had intense heartburn (from reflux and anxiety). I was put on a PPI at that time and took PPIs (Prilosec then Prevacid then Nexium) for 15 years. About 9 or so months ago, I wondered what would happen if I stopped for a while – so I did.  I had some heartburn but nothing real intense and constant. I haven’t taken another PPI since then. I often eat foods with very hot, spicy sauce, and I also eat pizza with lots of red pepper. I do get some heartburn at times, but it is easily resolved with calcium carbonate tablets. No more PPIs.

 

BB – I know about the “robot” thing – going through the motions of life with the only feelings being those of misery. The dp/dr only emphasizes the feeling (or lack of feeling). I had the tinnitus (still do) and insomnia, but once I was able to feel pleasure again, those things didn’t bother me much. They are much easier to ignore because we have something else good to focus on – don’t need to dwell on the ugliness of w/d because there is finally something beautiful to look at and experience.

 

Scott – Yes, the slowness of w/d. I remember sitting in this very room and watching the second hand on the clock go around one time and acknowledging that I had survived for one more minute. I did it for hours (during the times I was not too restless to sit still). Time is a funny thing in w/d. It seems relentlessly slow while we suffer yet when we reach the other side, it doesn’t seem like recovery took as long as it did. One day you will see what I mean. It is strange – like so many things in w/d.

 

Today I had the opportunity to share part of my story with a couple new people in our small group. It’s funny how others who have not gone through the pure hell of any type of chemical w/d characterize it as anxiety, depression, and so on but really have no concept that all the s/x are purely from an ailing brain that has been maximally insulted with chemicals that we call “meds” (in the case of benzo w/d). They view it as a case of ”beating an addiction” and the mental state that caused the addiction. They don’t grasp the truth that the brain itself requires time to heal – that it has nothing to do with our “bootstraps,” or getting ourselves together, or showing any type of strength (other than becoming expert sufferers). They honestly don’t get it. Had I not taken the journey, I doubt that I would understand either.

 

In order to understand and help those who are on the journey, one must take the journey. I doubt that many would volunteer to take the first step on this path…yet upon its completion, the rewards are beyond description.

 

eli     

 

[Guest [to...]]

Hi towardsthesun, tommy1234, benzobetty, and ScottA.

 

towardsthesun – The pain and cog fog will disappear, and when that day arrives you will cry tears of relief and joy instead of tears of depression and anxiety. My cog fog was extremely bad when I was at 4 or 5 months (where you are now I think) and lasted for quite some time after that. But it did lift with all the other mental stuff. It seemed impossible for such a long time, but one day it “just started to happen.” It felt like a miracle –and really was.

 

tommy – Way back when I was put on K, I also had intense heartburn (from reflux and anxiety). I was put on a PPI at that time and took PPIs (Prilosec then Prevacid then Nexium) for 15 years. About 9 or so months ago, I wondered what would happen if I stopped for a while – so I did.  I had some heartburn but nothing real intense and constant. I haven’t taken another PPI since then. I often eat foods with very hot, spicy sauce, and I also eat pizza with lots of red pepper. I do get some heartburn at times, but it is easily resolved with calcium carbonate tablets. No more PPIs.

 

BB – I know about the “robot” thing – going through the motions of life with the only feelings being those of misery. The dp/dr only emphasizes the feeling (or lack of feeling). I had the tinnitus (still do) and insomnia, but once I was able to feel pleasure again, those things didn’t bother me much. They are much easier to ignore because we have something else good to focus on – don’t need to dwell on the ugliness of w/d because there is finally something beautiful to look at and experience.

 

Scott – Yes, the slowness of w/d. I remember sitting in this very room and watching the second hand on the clock go around one time and acknowledging that I had survived for one more minute. I did it for hours (during the times I was not too restless to sit still). Time is a funny thing in w/d. It seems relentlessly slow while we suffer yet when we reach the other side, it doesn’t seem like recovery took as long as it did. One day you will see what I mean. It is strange – like so many things in w/d.

 

Today I had the opportunity to share part of my story with a couple new people in our small group. It’s funny how others who have not gone through the pure hell of any type of chemical w/d characterize it as anxiety, depression, and so on but really have no concept that all the s/x are purely from an ailing brain that has been maximally insulted with chemicals that we call “meds” (in the case of benzo w/d). They view it as a case of ”beating an addiction” and the mental state that caused the addiction. They don’t grasp the truth that the brain itself requires time to heal – that it has nothing to do with our “bootstraps,” or getting ourselves together, or showing any type of strength (other than becoming expert sufferers). They honestly don’t get it. Had I not taken the journey, I doubt that I would understand either.

 

In order to understand and help those who are on the journey, one must take the journey. I doubt that many would volunteer to take the first step on this path…yet upon its completion, the rewards are beyond description.

 

eli   

Hi Eli

 

Thank you for encouraging words and wisdom...... I look forward to the day when my cog  fog  lifts and  I can express my gratitude 

 

peace love and healing

 

Towardsthesun

[[be...]]

Thanks so much Eli...your words are so comforting....my biggest fear is that I will never be able to relax or sleep again due to the tinnitus....i am once again unable to relax or sleep....do not want to take anything tonight cuz it makes me feel worse the next day.....guess I will be spending the day in bed tomorrow......sigh.

 

I really can not stand the stress the tinnitus causes...I even have my sound machine up louder and it makes no difference...I am sooooo tired.

 

BB.

[[dm...]]

Thank you for such an inspirational story...I am still tapering and in severe tolerance WDs. my paranoia and anxiety continually drive me to look elsewhere for causes and effects when I know its the benzos...the benzos...the benzos...the benzos...

 

Dave

[[el...]]

Hi towardsthesun, BB, and Dave.

 

I just returned Sunday evening from a week in Biloxi, Mississippi as a member of a group that goes down every spring to help people who are still suffering from the destruction of Hurricane Katrina. I was on a work crew that is restoring a house for an elderly gentleman.

 

This was my first year. My brother had asked me last year to go along, but at the time I was about 19 months off the K, and, although I had improved greatly, it was still out of the question. I could not have survived the 1200 mile ride in a van for lots of reasons. I would not have been able to do much of anything constructive either or relate to the people we were helping in any meaningful way.

 

But a year later the story is vastly different. The 1200 mile ride (one way) was no picnic, but the s/x of w/d had nothing to do with it. Being cooped up in a van with 9 other people for 20+ hours is not easy for anyone really. I had the opportunity to not only work but also spend much time talking with the gentleman we were helping. It was a pleasure. Thursday evening I spoke in front of about 40 people and shared my recovery story with them. Most of them had never experienced anything remotely similar to benzo w/d.  Even though they did not understand completely, they were very thankful that I shared it with them.

 

BB – I am sure the tinnitus will subside enough for you to sleep. That is the one s/x that has stayed around for me, but it has faded significantly.

 

Dave – I still remember the first several months of my w/d journey. I constantly googled my s/x and was certain that I had all kinds of conditions, diseases, and nutritional deficiencies. My brain could not grasp the reality that my misery was completely caused by benzo w/d. But that is all that it was. It's all part of the big lie that benzo w/d plays on us – very convincing – but still a lie.

 

Well, the Biloxi experience for me was additional evidence that I am continuing to heal at a level that exceeds anything I have ever experienced. Even before benzos and booze, I could not have accomplished what I did there with such mental and emotional ease.

 

One other thing – I bunked with about a dozen other guys, and the snoring didn't bother me much at all. That is very solid evidence that my sleep is vastly improved. For so long, the slightest noise would keep me awake or would wake me in terror if I was already sleeping.

 

It really does keep getting better just as I read day after day for months when I was in the depths of suffering.

 

eli   

[[ho...]]

Wow Eli -- that is amazing.  Thanks for sharing.  There IS hope for a normal life.

 

And good for you to share your time and talents with others.

XOX

[[No...]]

 

        Dear Eli,

                      Thank you again, and again for the renewed hope you bring each time you post your continuing

        healing and accomplishments that you have achieved. It gives me so much hope!

 

                      From the bottom of my heart, My the lord bless you and keep you safe and strong. You are

        a beacon of light at that far end of the tunnel so dark and fearful, that keeps me sane.

 

                      In love and light....

                        Notforme

[[Ro...]]

I just read this for the first time (I think) and I'm realizing that I can read and comprehend things more clearly even though I know there is something wrong with my cognition. Anyway...I am so glad for you Don! You are one tough S.O.B.! I hope to follow in your footsteps and be EVEN BETTER than I ever was before benzos.

 

Thanks so much for your story. I feel like I know you now.  ;)

 

Thanks for all you do, Robb.

[[st...]]

Thank you Eli,

 

During my hardest of waves I will re-read your Success Story and I know it will help me to be strong when I feel weak.

 

Thank you again and I wish you the best,

 

Ann

Not still stuck anymore

[[el...]]

Hey Robb. Good to hear from you. Not too sure about being all that tough – just lucky, blessed, fortunate or some such word. Didn’t feel tough going through it.

 

Glad your cognition is improving. That is great. I feel like I know you too. I suspect we will meet one day again – maybe soon. Maybe take a road trip, watch a game, just talk, or shoot a few hoops (now that my cast is off).

 

I have no doubt that you have excellent days ahead – probably the best of your life.

 

Hang in there.

 

eli (aka Don)

 

[[el...]]

Hi Ann. Glad to see you are off the clonazepam. I took that for many years. I also tapered at 1/8 mg every 2 weeks.

 

It will get a whole lot better. Just have to put in the time. 

 

Hang in and take care.

 

eli

 

[Guest [to...]]

Hi Eli,

 

 

How kind of you to stop by and offer support  to all of us still in the pits of hell.

 

 

How are you feeling these days?

 

 

Towards 

[[el...]]

Hi Towards. Haven't been here in some time. I see you are well over a year now - excellent! That's a lot of healing time. I hope things are improving. Such a long, hard journey I know. Here is an update.

 

===========

It’s been a while since I updated here. At 39 months off, things continue to go very well. The only lasting sx for me has been tinnitus. Sometimes it is barely noticeable, but sometimes it is quite loud. It really is only a nuisance.

 

I had ankle surgery at the beginning of August (spur removal, Achilles tendon extension, and rebuilt arch – all from too much athletics as a young man), and it went quite well. I still have a few more months till I will be able to run and so on, but I am healing. Prior to the surgery, I did make it very clear many times (verbally and in writing) that I am allergic to or have severe reactions to benzos. They STILL gave me a benzo with the anesthesia – midazolam. During the next 4 weeks, I did have the return of a few sx that had been long gone – a little anxiety, slight depressive mood, and especially digestive sx. They did not get anywhere near the intensity that they were in w/d and faded in a few weeks. (I did not get nasty with the hospital in case I want to have the other ankle repaired next year at the same facility.)

 

Also, last May, I went to a Greek festival and had a dessert (some sort of cake) that had a very familiar flavor of liqueur – Jagermeister to be more specific (once an alcoholic always an alcoholic). I didn’t really pay much attention to it till about 20 minutes later when derealization nailed me and I got a familiar pain in my TMJ. I hadn’t had such sx for well over a year. I started to freak out a little bit. Then it hit me – the alcohol in the dessert. It faded fairly quickly on the way home….but it is evidence that out nervous systems can remain very sensitive for quite some time and that drinking may be something we should put in the past forever.

 

These days I spend a lot of time messaging others going through w/d whom I have met by various means and also talking with them on the phone. I also have been co-blogging with another benzo w/d survivor (who still has some remaining sx). And, of course, I have the pleasure and privilege of visiting from time to time an individual who is currently residing in what I call ”the healing house” about 10 minutes from my home. I hope to expand that in the future, so this is a ”prototype” of sorts. I also would like to get w/d groups established but have not yet pursued it with much effort. I would like to have at least one more healed person (preferably a female) before going “all out.”

 

So, things continue to go very well. My recovery has been astounding when I think back on the days in the psych hospital where I was a suicidal mess who felt absolutely no hope and who despaired of life. Healing does, indeed, feel miraculous.

 

No matter how hopeless our plight seems, there is, in reality, boundless, infinite hope. It is what helps us to walk the journey of w/d one step at a time.       

 

eli

 

[[Li...]]

 

Hi Eli,

 

It is great to have news of how you are doing!  I was thinking of you just yesterday and wondering.  Sounds good! 

 

I am so glad you are able to help other now.  That is just awesome.  Thanks again for all your help and encouragement here on BB.

 

Love,

Lily

[Guest [to...]]

Hi Towards. Haven't been here in some time. I see you are well over a year now - excellent! That's a lot of healing time. I hope things are improving. Such a long, hard journey I know. Here is an update.[/size]Oh things are improving but you know what its like, paint peels quicker!!!!! Thank you for being so kind and helpful to me in the beginning

 

 

Its great to hear you are doing so well and all the wonderful work you continue to do. Thank you for the insight regarding your surgery, I need to have an operation when I have healed and will be all over the midazolam issue.  I am so impressed by all you do to help others and hope you get the support you need. 

Please stay in touch much love and good health to you.

Towards

 

[[Ju...]]

Thanks for the encouragement Eli,  I have been off of klonopin for over 14 months and I am still struggling.  I had a few good days about a week ago and thought I was turning the corner, but then it came back big time and let me know I still have a ways to go.  Exercise, prayer, and trying to stay busy are about the only means I have found to do against this monster.  Congratulation for getting thru this nightmare.  Good luck to every person reading this      jude273

[[br...]]

Thanks, your doing great, keep up the excellent work, things will only get better. How did you get off the PPIs?

I am on 30mg Lanzoprazole per day at the moment. I have been free of diazepam for a little over 6 months now, I want to get off these PPIs too but do you think its better to wait until my sx have settled right down in terms of my stomach issues before quitting the PPIs?

 

Thankfully my stomach problems are slowly improving but still nowhere near fully healed.

[[el...]]

Hi Lily, Towards, Jude273, and bring-it-on.

 

Congratulations on 14 months today, Lily. Awesome! I remember when you were still tapering. Time does pass even though it seems like it stands still in w/d.

 

Towards. I recall your struggle at the beginning. I am glad to see that the paint is peeling. You will have to “repaint” when you are healed. It’s fun and a whole lot faster.

 

Jude273. I know several individuals between 12 months and 18 months. That seems to be when the windows start opening for many. I never really had the “window/wave” type of healing. Mine was more like the “door” opening very slowly until it was open enough that I knew it would not close (right around 14/15 months).

 

Bring-it-on. I think I have been off the PPI (Nexium) for about a year now – maybe longer. So, that was right around 2 years off the K. I had been on a PPI for 15 years. I waited until the anxiety from the w/d disappeared and then got off the PPI. I didn’t taper it – just stopped taking it to see what would happen. I do have reflux naturally so I will sometimes take a carbonate/bicarbonate tablet similar to Tums if I get heartburn. That is better than taking a PPI for the rest of my life.           

 

[[ma...]]

Hi Eli,

Thank you so much for coming back to give further reports!

Your initial Success Story helped me hang on.

I am now at 22 months, & am finally experiencing some real improvement.

Have had days together now where I have felt "well" & "myself" again..

so know that I can -& will -recover fully.

Its so hard to believe when you are in the midst of Benzo WD -that you have not been permanently damaged,

& will in fact- recover.

Success Stories like yours -are sometimes the only rays of hope shining out there.

So thank you again- for helping all of us to hang on.

 

margaretisabel

[[ca...]]

Hey Eli,

 

I am right at 13 months and almost 2 weeks….I have had some improvement…but not enough to feel like I will ever "completely heal"…

So I come here to read the success stories.

This was the perfect success story for me to read today.

Thank you very much for coming back and sharing your success story Eli….

It is stories like this that give me hope that I will fully recover..

That seems so far away from my reality right now…but I have to keep telling myself I am healing daily..and I will be healed at some point soon.

 

Much love and healing,

Causing

[[Mo...]]

your story is amazing, thank you so much for sharing. all the best.