An experience like no other

[[Ga...]]

Dear PJ💝

Hello dear friend.  Stopping by for my PJ fix.  So good to keep reading your blog and see your continued caring responses to so many of us who still suffer.  This is my 20th month and though better, still not 100%.  But pushing on, trying to relax into the uncertainty of my own healing time. 

I am so happy that you are continuing to do well and loving your life. 😍😍💕💕

 

I think once we are healed, truly healed, we can face the anxiety and stress but perhaps, like myself and Angelprint, some of us have a very compromised liver and metabolism to chemicals and drugs and may very well face reactions for the rest of our lives.  I don't think our withdrawal sxs necessarily come back but it will be Similar because it will involve our CNS.  I intend to be very careful what I put in my body and like you, I will take a lot less of a dosage than prescribed since no doctor ever takes into consideration weight or age. 

 

Once again, so enjoy your humor, your compassion and your advice, dear friend.  I am always here but don't comment much because so many are suffering so much worse than I and they need to

Hear from you.  You are needed and appreciated.  Thank you for being here!

Blessings and happy trails, Galea🎀🎀🎀🎀☺️

[[...]]

Hi Galea

 

I imagine by now, the plastic Santa, and the plastic Snowman are both hiding out in your garage, patiently waiting for another Christmas to arrive so they can fulfill their purpose in life - putting smiles on the faces of the little children who happen to pass by your place on a cold winter's afternoon.

 

Galea, looking back, all of us who have had the misfortune of going through withdrawals wish we would never had introduced a benzo into our body.  If we had only known just how devastating benzos were, and how sensitive we were to them, we would have run away from that little pill faster than an Olympic sprinter.

 

But, we didn't know any different.  We didn't know, because our doctors never told us what benzos could do to us, especially if we are inordinately more sensitive to drugs than most of the population is.

 

We have learned that when it comes to benzos, most doctors are as clueless as we ONCE were, but we aren't clueless anymore.

 

Our encounter with benzos has taught us that every drug or medication has side-effects that are often much worse than the condition for which they were  prescribed. 

 

Because of our benzo withdrawals, we realize that taking a pill is not always the best course of action to take when things are bothering us.  We will always have some happiness in our life, but we will also always have some stress, some anxiety, and some pain in our life - because we are Human Beings who have the capacity to love, to hate, to be happy, to be sad, and to have compassion. 

 

All these traits create a whirlwind of emotions in us that can stir up our inner-feelings that can leave us all mixed up, and overwhelm us - causing us all kinds of stress, anxiety, and pain - that we must learn to deal with in other ways, other than taking a pill - because there ARE no 'magic pills' to 'make it all better'.

 

I think one of the many ways a person can achieve a happier, less stressful, less anxiety filled life, is to be true to themselves.  Loving and accepting who we are, instead of being someone who someone else thinks we should be, can make our life so much more rewarding and pleasant.

 

If we are unhappy, and miserable most of the time, perhaps it's time to make some changes in our life.  Making changes can be scary, so many folks just stay with the status quo, and remain unhappy and miserable - so their life becomes very predictable, and boring - Making their life stink like cabbage cooking on the stove. 

 

If we don't remove all the 'stink' from our life by taking time out to stop and smell the roses, happiness can, and will pass us by.

 

Whenever I am feeling a little down, I do what a lot of other folks do, I close my eyes and I remember some of the happy moments in my life. 

I remember when I watched a bird building a nest, or when I saw the way a field of golden wheat sways in the wind, and I remember when I marveled at the sight of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly or I remember the day when I held a new born baby for the very first time, or I remember when I was thirteen and had a big crush on Abby F., and she gave me my first kiss  

 

When I remember those events, it makes me happy, a kind of happiness that no one could ever get from a pill, because it's the simple, natural things in life that holds the key to our happiness, and restores harmony and order to our life. 

 

Galea, you are much too kind.  Thank you.  I didn't mean to write such a lengthy post.  Sometimes, I have to force myself to stop writing, otherwise I would just keep on going, and going, and going - longer than the Energizer Bunny.

 

You take care, my friend.  Enjoy all the wonderful sights and sounds of Springtime.

 

Happy Trails to you too.

 

pj

[[ab...]]

Congrats...

 

I could really identify with all the "weird symptoms" you were having. That's what led me to get off the drug is well. I kept having all these weird medical issues and the doctor said I was "fine"

What a ride it has been.

 

Good for you!

[[...]]

Hi abirdonawire,

 

Thank you.  I hear you loud and clear - what a ride, indeed!. 

 

When my doctor told me that the reason my body was feeling so hot at night was because I had too many covers on - that was the last straw!  I couldn't take it any more, so like you, and so many other folks had to do, I knew it was time to get rid of those little pills, put on my detective hat, and figure this thing out by myself, because my doctor was about as much help as a broken oar on a leaky row boat. 

 

Thanks to the internet and BenzoBuddies, we knew that we were NOT imagining all those weird symptoms, didn't we?  To quote Speedy Alka-Seltzer:  "Oh, what a relief it was."

 

The very best to you.

 

pj 

[[sh...]]

PJ,

 

What a great inspiring story.  Thanks so much for sharing with us!

 

sharkey

[[ci...]]

PJ, I was just curious why you believe the ambien was worse for your WDs than the ativan, I saw one of your posts where you made that comment and I was just curious. Also, was there a point in your 15 months of recovery that you felt you turned the corner so to speak?

 

PJ, I always follow your posts, because as a fellow ambien BB, your story mirrors my own so closely..........that dam ambien, it is the most widely prescribed drug in the US, how many others are suffering?

 

Thanks for being here for us PJ,

 

Always, cindy

[[...]]

PJ,

 

What a great inspiring story.  Thanks so much for sharing with us!

 

sharkey

 

You're welcome.

[[...]]

PJ, I was just curious why you believe the ambien was worse for your WDs than the ativan, I saw one of your posts where you made that comment and I was just curious. Also, was there a point in your 15 months of recovery that you felt you turned the corner so to speak?

 

PJ, I always follow your posts, because as a fellow ambien BB, your story mirrors my own so closely..........that dam ambien, it is the most widely prescribed drug in the US, how many others are suffering?

 

Thanks for being here for us PJ,

 

Always, cindy

 

Hi cindys

 

I have no concrete evidence that the Ambien was worse than the Ativan or which drug caused the worst withdrawal symptoms. 

 

What lead me to believe that the Ambien was worse, is because when I was taking the Ativan before I began taking any Ambien I noticed that I was getting shoulder pain and a stiff neck. 

It seemed like when I also began taking the Ambien is when the pain in my shoulder and the pain, and the stiffness in my neck became much worse, so I surmised that the Ambien was causing the marked uptick in pain, but, I cannot know for sure which drug was doing what to me. 

 

What I do know for sure is that they are both terrible drugs that are causing a lot of folks a lot of pain, and a lot misery.

 

At about seven or eight months, my sleep began to slowly improve, and many of my symptoms were gone or were not as severe as they had been.  By ten months my sleep was pretty good, so I guess that is when I felt that I was turning the corner, headed towards a recovery. 

 

The shoulder pain, and the stiff neck, along with some itching and burning, accompanied with episodes of always feeling cold, lingered on for another six months.  When those symptoms finally left me, I knew that my recovery was complete.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through the Nightmare of Ambien withdrawals.  I wish I knew the reason why folks like you and me and so many others had such terrible, long lasting withdrawals.  I wish I knew the reason why there are so many folks who take these drugs, and never get so much as a headache or a hiccup.

 

Perhaps the day will come when some bright researcher who has no connection to the drug industry may have the answer to, and the solution to alleviating or preventing withdrawals from the Benzo class of drugs.  But until they do, folks who have had their life turned upside down by these drugs just have to soldier on no matter how hard it is, and how painful it is, because they will heal and when they do recover, this whole benzo experience will have made them more educated and more wise than most doctors are when it comes to Benzodiazepines.  And it will have made them a much happier, healthier person knowing that they can cope with many of life's trials and tribulations with out taking a pill. 

 

You take care now.  I hope this Nightmare will soon end for you.

 

pj

[[...]]

Hi PJ,

Firstly it is remarkable that you answer each and every question from us that are still in despair.

I know we are all different,  however I would like to know if you had fatigue as even though my sleep has now improved,  I am totally exhausted. I find it difficult to rest as my thoughgs just beat me up.  I am 11 months out now and feel like this is never ending.  I think some stress has added to things.  Did you have a really low resistance to stress and if so does it ever improve?

 

I hope you are enjoying your life and are rewarded for your kindness

 

Catherine

[[ci...]]

PJ, Thank you so much for being here for us, your story is the one that inspires me the most and gives me such hope. I feel like I have turned the corner, BUT I don't trust it....I am making plans again, after a year off work, I am going back to work next week, I try to no longer think of my symptoms as painful , but rather as "extremely Uncomfortable" but they are lessening.

 

Pj, you really are a very kind and caring soul, how you can continue to read of our suffering, and answer all of our concerns, you amaze me.

[[...]]

Hi PJ,

Firstly it is remarkable that you answer each and every question from us that are still in despair.

I know we are all different,  however I would like to know if you had fatigue as even though my sleep has now improved,  I am totally exhausted. I find it difficult to rest as my thoughgs just beat me up.  I am 11 months out now and feel like this is never ending.  I think some stress has added to things.  Did you have a really low resistance to stress and if so does it ever improve?

 

I hope you are enjoying your life and are rewarded for your kindness

 

Catherine

 

Hi Catherine,

 

Thank you. I get pretty busy at times, but I am never so busy that I cannot take a few minutes to try and answer a question from kind people like you who are dealing with those awful withdrawals.

 

I feel for you, Catherine.  I definitely understand what you are going through. For a very long time while in withdrawals, I had no desire or the energy to do much of anything.  Because of all those thoughts racing through my mind, preventing me from sleeping soundly, I was always tired, and because I was always tired it caused me more stress, which then made me more fatigued than ever, leaving me exhausted, and depressed. 

 

Thank goodness we recover from the nightmare of benzo withdrawals.

 

Now, I sleep like a newborn baby, stress rolls off me like water rolls off a duck's back, and I have more energy than I know what to do with, and so will you. 

 

Catherine, the closer you get to a complete recovery you will notice that the stress in your life will become more manageable, and your energy level will rise.  You will have so much energy that your friends will be telling you to: "slow down, girl."

 

You are still healing from a major disruption in your life caused by that mean 'pain giver and energy taker' - Mr. Benzo, so it's going to take some more time for you to have the energy to do all that you want to do, but it will happen.  You will become a happy, healthy energetic person again.

 

Peace and strength to you.

 

pj   

 

 

[[he...]]

"Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter.  The little things that used to upset you won't anymore."

 

Know I am getting to the thread very late, but I want to chime in. This is so true.

 

Also I appreciated your quote of a quote saying "fight for your dreams."

 

This is so true too.

 

Thanks for all your support, pj, and congrats on your healing as well!

 

healingtime

[[...]]

PJ, Thank you so much for being here for us, your story is the one that inspires me the most and gives me such hope. I feel like I have turned the corner, BUT I don't trust it....I am making plans again, after a year off work, I am going back to work next week, I try to no longer think of my symptoms as painful , but rather as "extremely Uncomfortable" but they are lessening.

 

Pj, you really are a very kind and caring soul, how you can continue to read of our suffering, and answer all of our concerns, you amaze me.

 

You're welcome, cindys.  Thank you for your very kind words. 

 

I like your attitude.  Thinking of your symptoms as being extremely uncomfortable, rather than being painful will help you to transition back into a working routine.  When I went back to work, I thought of my symptoms as a temporary inconvenience. 

 

Going back to work is a giant step forward towards getting your life back.  Congratulations on reaching that important milestone. 

You may feel somewhat nervous about going back to work, I sure was!  I hardly slept at all the night before I went back to work.  Being nervous or worried is just a normal, natural reaction to an uncertain, upcoming event in our life.

 

Every day that you are back to work will bring you one day closer to being completely healed.  It does a body good to be back in the working world again where they can feel that they are contributing something to society, while giving meaning, and a purpose to their life.

 

When you are back to work, you will probably be so engrossed in what you are doing that you won't even think about withdrawals, and that's a good thing.  There may even be days when you totally forget that you are actually having withdrawals; that's how it was for me, and hopefully that's the way it will be for you, too.

 

If you do find it extremely confusing, and hard to adjust to going back to work - do not be afraid or embarrassed  to tell your co-workers that you are dealing with the repercussions from a drug that your doctor prescribed for you, and that, that drug gave you some terrible side-effects. 

 

If you feel comfortable telling co-workers, it could take some of the pressure off of you.  Most people can be very understanding, but, if you feel uncomfortable telling folks, that's okay too, because either way, you are going to do great. 

 

Good luck to you, cindys.   Stay strong.  Don't look back.  You just keep on charging full speed ahead towards a complete and lasting recovery.

 

 

pj

[[...]]

"Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter.  The little things that used to upset you won't anymore."

 

Know I am getting to the thread very late, but I want to chime in. This is so true.

 

Also I appreciated your quote of a quote saying "fight for your dreams."

 

This is so true too.

 

Thanks for all your support, pj, and congrats on your healing as well!

 

healingtime

 

Hi healingtime, 

 

Thank you. I hope you are doing alright.

 

When in withdrawals, because of depression, we often live in a world of muted shades of grey.  Warm vibrant colors, and soft sounds do no appear to exist.  All that we see and hear can seem distorted and unreal to us.

 

That's why I wrote these words: 

 

"Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter.  The little things that used to upset you won't anymore."

 

I wrote those words in response to how alive I felt after recovering from two years of tolerance withdrawals, and fifteen months of cold-turkey withdrawals.  I wanted folks to know the beautiful things they have to look forward to when they have healed.

 

Take care. 

 

pj

[[...]]

Sitting in church this morning, watching the little children who stood on the stage, wiggling and squirming in their new Easter clothes as they shyly looked out at the audience - seeking reassurance from their parents - was quite a sight to behold.  The kids tried so hard to sing their songs, and recite their assigned verses without making a mistake.  Seeing this, assured me that the next generation will do just fine. 

 

Have a blessed Easter Sunday, everyone.  For millions of folks, Easter represents the hope and the promise for renewal and change.

 

All you folks who are still having withdrawals, I hope today is the day when your spirit, your determination, and your confidence are all renewed.  I hope you receive the much needed strength to not waver or give up as you bravely  forge ahead, with the knowledge, and the reassurance that you are going to win the fight that will set you free and give you back your life that has been lost to benzo withdrawals.

 

pj 

[[sh...]]

Thanks pj! Always enjoy reading your posts

 

Stay strong,

Sharkey

[[...]]

I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity as humans, to love and appreciate one another.

 

We can become so enamored with certain members that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained. 

 

While reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.

 

It was at that moment when I realized that they had all healed, and were back to living their varied lives again in the way that life was meant to be lived.  All of you will be doing the same one day, because this nightmare does end, and you will be happy, and productive again.

 

It would be awfully hard, maybe even impossible, to find a kinder, or nicer group of people than you do at BenzoBuddies, where People REALLY do want to help one another in the most thoughtful, and caring way, with a sincerity, and decency that is so very real.

 

When someone cries out for help.  There is no hesitation in wanting to help that person.  People respond with heartfelt emotions, and a genuine concern for an individual they have never met, and often become close friends with that person.  Friends unlike no one else in their lives, because they understand how that person is suffering day in, and day out, in a way that no one else can ever understand.

 

pj

 

This is so true.

Thanks for sharing your story, JP.  Just as sure as your journey traveled out, so it will be for all of us.  I'm a little over 6 months out and I'm able to see the very things you just shared.  This is my first time visiting this part of the forum and hopefully, soon, I'll be able to share my very own success story.  For now though reading others is not only encouraging, but edifying.

 

shalom & congratulations

eli 

[[Ra...]]

PJ, thank you for coming back time and again to monitor this thread.  I just read your original story.  I cannot imagine a C/T, OH MY WORD!!  But I know so many here have had to suffer it.  The fact that you are completely healed and that you came back to encourage those of us still tapering or just post jump is marvelous and so kind.  Thank you for being such a compassionate person. 

 

Hugs,

 

Bunny

[[An...]]

Thank you so much for your hopeful Easter post PJ!! Happy Easter!! I think of your story every day - it constantly gives me hope! Thank you always! 

[[...]]

Thanks pj! Always enjoy reading your posts

 

Stay strong,

Sharkey

 

Thank you, sharkey.

 

I hope things are going okay for you.

 

pj

[[...]]

I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity as humans, to love and appreciate one another.

 

We can become so enamored with certain members that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained. 

 

While reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.

 

It was at that moment when I realized that they had all healed, and were back to living their varied lives again in the way that life was meant to be lived.  All of you will be doing the same one day, because this nightmare does end, and you will be happy, and productive again.

 

It would be awfully hard, maybe even impossible, to find a kinder, or nicer group of people than you do at BenzoBuddies, where People REALLY do want to help one another in the most thoughtful, and caring way, with a sincerity, and decency that is so very real.

 

When someone cries out for help.  There is no hesitation in wanting to help that person.  People respond with heartfelt emotions, and a genuine concern for an individual they have never met, and often become close friends with that person.  Friends unlike no one else in their lives, because they understand how that person is suffering day in, and day out, in a way that no one else can ever understand.

 

pj

 

This is so true.

Thanks for sharing your story, JP.  Just as sure as your journey traveled out, so it will be for all of us.  I'm a little over 6 months out and I'm able to see the very things you just shared.  This is my first time visiting this part of the forum and hopefully, soon, I'll be able to share my very own success story.  For now though reading others is not only encouraging, but edifying.

 

shalom & congratulations

eli 

 

Hi eli,

 

I, too, hope that you will soon be writing your success story, and I have no doubt that you will, because if you stay the course, remain patient, and you believe that healing does happen - it will happen.

 

Peace

 

pj 

 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

PJ, thank you for coming back time and again to monitor this thread.  I just read your original story.  I cannot imagine a C/T, OH MY WORD!!  But I know so many here have had to suffer it.  The fact that you are completely healed and that you came back to encourage those of us still tapering or just post jump is marvelous and so kind.  Thank you for being such a compassionate person. 

 

Hugs,

 

Bunny

 

Hi Bunny,

 

Thank you for your kind words. 

 

Going cold turkey is definitely something that no one should ever have to do.

 

But, because most folks had complete faith and trust in their doctor, ( something they had been taught to do since childhood), they did not immediately question their doctor when he or she brushed aside their concerns about the problems they were having with benzos.

Because there are some doctors who have a cavalier attitude towards benzos, many trusting, and well-meaning folks chose to or were forced to do a cold turkey from a drug that their doctor probably should not have prescribed for them in the first place.

 

Hopefully there will come the day when all doctors are benzo wise.  Way too many folks have had their life negatively impacted by benzos!

 

If it were not for BenzoBuddies, I shudder to think just how many more folks would be uninformed or misinformed about benzos, thus causing them to needlessly suffer through the dangerous, and protracted withdrawals that are most often associated with a cold turkey.

 

Whether a person does a cold turkey, a fast taper or a slow taper, they all have some of the same things in common.  They are all hurting, they may be angry, they are confused, they are hopeful that they will recover, and yet, at the same time, they doubt if they will recover. 

 

That is why there are success stories:

 

Success stories give folks the reassurance that their withdrawals are a temporary, albeit, painful disruption in their life from which they will fully recover from.

 

Success stories assure folks that by accepting their withdrawals, and finding ways to distract themselves from those withdrawals, the time that it takes to heal will go by much faster. 

 

Success stories teach folks that they need to have the patience of a mother with a two year old child, and the tenacity, and determination of a Bull Dog as they bide their time until they are completely healed from what has to be one of the most confusing and painful experiences they have ever encountered,

 

Peace and good luck to you.

 

pj

[[...]]

Thank you so much for your hopeful Easter post PJ!! Happy Easter!! I think of your story every day - it constantly gives me hope! Thank you always! 

 

You're welcome, Angelprint.

 

I hope Peter Cottontail brought you lots of goodies, and in spite of your withdrawals, I hope you were able to enjoy them.  

 

The very best to you.

 

pj 

 

 

[[ci...]]

PJ, Just wanted to check in with you. I have identified so much with your story, I am now 14 months CT from ambien, and things have improved, very slowly, gradually, and I was able to return to work after being off for a year. My WD sxs never really was a pattern of windows and waves, it was more of a very slow, gradually lessening of sxs over time. As painful as the physical sxs were, I think the mental sxs were worse, with that very dark depression and the fear. I never had any history of psychological issues until my CT, I was only prescribed ambien for sleep. Well, at 14 months, I get what I call "whispers", mostly I can function ok at work, I can laugh, and I am happy, but then I get these "whispers".....like a burning hand, or pins and needles in my scalp, or a 10 minute cry for no reason, or a wave of depression, or burst of anxiety.

 

So my question is, when you healed after 15 months, were you completely healed or did you get these, "whispers," or reminders that things were not quite right, yet? Did you notice more healing after 15 months, or were you completely healed? And with your sleep issues, when did that resolve for you?

 

It does not look like you are on BB much any more, and I take that as a very good sign, selfishly I hope you answer my post, but part of me hopes that you are too busy enjoying your life and have completly forgotten about BB.

 

I have read all of your posts, you have been my friend in some very dark hours during my acute. Thank you. Always, cindy

[[...]]

PJ, Just wanted to check in with you. I have identified so much with your story, I am now 14 months CT from ambien, and things have improved, very slowly, gradually, and I was able to return to work after being off for a year. My WD sxs never really was a pattern of windows and waves, it was more of a very slow, gradually lessening of sxs over time. As painful as the physical sxs were, I think the mental sxs were worse, with that very dark depression and the fear. I never had any history of psychological issues until my CT, I was only prescribed ambien for sleep. Well, at 14 months, I get what I call "whispers", mostly I can function ok at work, I can laugh, and I am happy, but then I get these "whispers".....like a burning hand, or pins and needles in my scalp, or a 10 minute cry for no reason, or a wave of depression, or burst of anxiety.

 

So my question is, when you healed after 15 months, were you completely healed or did you get these, "whispers," or reminders that things were not quite right, yet? Did you notice more healing after 15 months, or were you completely healed? And with your sleep issues, when did that resolve for you?

 

It does not look like you are on BB much any more, and I take that as a very good sign, selfishly I hope you answer my post, but part of me hopes that you are too busy enjoying your life and have completly forgotten about BB.

 

I have read all of your posts, you have been my friend in some very dark hours during my acute. Thank you. Always, cindy

 

Hi cindys,

 

It's good to hear from you again, and it's good to read that you are doing much better.

 

I check this thread occasionally, usually on Saturdays, to see if anyone has a question for me.  Today's Saturday, and there you were! 

 

I will never forget what a strange, (almost surreal) world we live in during withdrawals, and how comforting and reassuring it was for me to read posts that gave me the hope, and the realization that the cold, dark, scary place of withdrawals would not last forever,

 

that is why I never want to be so busy that I cannot take a few minutes to offer some hope to folks who are struggling with some of the same issues that I struggled with during my withdrawals.  It seems that during withdrawals, reassurance and hope are the only things that a person can cling to when the withdrawals have created for them a world where everything seems hopeless and is so confusing, and so uncertain - and unreal. 

 

You are getting closer and closer to being completely healed.  Those 'whispers' you speak of is your body telling you that you are almost there - the journey is almost over. 

 

Many of the 'circuits' in your brain that regulate sleep, fear, and a hundred other things - were 'disconnected' and 'rearranged' by the Ambien, giving you those weird, and scary withdrawal symptoms that have caused you so much pain, so much distress, and worry. 

There are still a few 'loose ends' that need to be 'tightened' up, making the connections between your brain and your Central Nervous System permanent, and then you will no longer have those 'whispers' that remind you that you are not quite there yet, because you will be there - all healed and happy.

 

To have those 'whispers' or reminders that you are not quite healed yet when it seems that you are getting so close to being healed, is common and to be expected when dealing with something as complicated as your CNS, because as you know, healing is a long, slow, gradual process.  There is no switch that automatically flips to the 'you are now completely healed' position after x amount of months have passed.   

 

After declaring myself completely healed at fifteen months, I would on occasion, experience a little shoulder pain or have some anxiety, but I think those were just a part of living and working in a complicated world, rather than anything to do with withdrawals. 

 

Those fearful thoughts, the dark days, and the relentless insomnia that plagued me for so very long have never returned, and so it will be for you after those 'whispers' have all been silenced, signaling that you are completely healed.

 

You have my deepest sympathy regarding the torture that is associated with not sleeping.  Insomnia inflicts a tremendous amount of pain and confusion on our mind and our body. 

Your sleep will come back, not magically all at once, but it will come back in stages.  Your brain is working overtime to repair the part that regulates sleep.  Try not to obsess about your not sleeping, it just makes it worse. 

 

One night while still in withdrawals, and suffering from insomnia - when I was sitting in my chair, and for the first time in many weeks, I started yawning.  I knew that I was about to witness a miracle, and I did.  I slept that night, not perfectly, and not all that long, but I slept. 

I think it was about a year before I could say with certainty, that my sleep had returned to where it should be.

 

Until your sleep cycle straightens out, you can expect sporadic sleep.  Some nights only an hour or two, some nights three or four, maybe five, other nights, nothing. 

 

There is no rhyme or reason to it.  It's maddening, I know, but eventually you will sleep like a newborn baby.  Now, when I hit the pillow at night, I am sound asleep in less than ten minutes - a far cry from when I had thoughts of never sleeping more than a couple of hours a night because of what the Ambien did to my brain.

 

Bare in mind that in an imperfect world, a 'perfect' night's sleep will not always be possible every night, because as members of the Human Race, we have been given the capacity to love, to hate, to have compassion, and to have empathy.  All qualities that tend to make us a bit of a worrywart.

 

You will dream happy dreams again.  No more nightmares.  Your mind will be as free as dandelion seeds floating in the wind, and you will sleep like a newborn baby.  It does happen.  Just keep on believing that it will.

 

The best of everything to you my friend.

 

pj