An experience like no other

[[Ga...]]

🎀dear PJ

Just wanted to keep in touch and let you know that I am better.  Not 100percent....some lingering  sxs but so much better.  Getting out, reading, listening to music, loving what I call my "great " days, free from anxiety, crying, hopelessness.  So enjoying walking outside and watching spring in our mountains and with our local wildlife.  My garden is blooming and I actually planted 30 new plants🌷🌸🌺🌹.  I am  back into the activities of my Victorian tea guild and our local humane association and Audubon society.  Loving my two Australian Shepherd dogs again.  I was too messed to give them the time and love they needed for too long.  But they have always given me their unconditional love.

I am back,almost,to the woman my husband married some 40 years ago.  Not in Age for sure, but in spirit.🌅. He is so happy and it is good to see his face relaxed and his smile back.  Our love is stronger than ever.💕

 

It is amazing how my brain has healed in so many ways.  Something you always said would happen but I never truly believed.  But I am most impressed with my everyday thankfulness and awareness.  I am at peace with myself for the first time in two years. Next week I will be two years free of drugs.  I hold no hatred for the doctors...what good would that do. No time for this stuff in my life.  But I do feel led to  share my story with as many people as I can, hoping to educate and let people know the dangers of prescribed drugs of all kinds.  For becoming active in ones own research of any drugs offered by a doctor, to be wary of just swallowing a pill without questioning dosage, purpose, side effects.  These are things we can and should do.

 

Thank you, dear PJ, for being one of those strangers in my life who became a trusted friend and beacon of kindness.  I will never meet you in person but I feel as though we have.  Your generosity of spirit and sweet nature have meant the world to me and many others, I know.  Your name always comes up when I read a new buddy who is suffering and lost...I tell them to reach out to you.  I have made 3 other friends from here who I know will always "be there" for me if I should slip back or face a struggle.  We are all connected by our suffering and by our success of coming through.  😊. I will never forget any of you.

 

Blessings and good health and long life to you, dear PJ. 

Galea🎀

 

 

[[Lo...]]

haha

[[...]]

What is so funny?

[[...]]

Good Sunday morning to you Galea

 

Thank you for your heartfelt post.  Your words confirm that you are indeed the epitome of kindness and sincerity. 

 

Now that you have posted your success story, and you are about to create a new chapter in the tattered 'book of life' - I wish you an abundance of peace and happiness.

 

pj

 

 

[[Lo...]]

What is so funny?

 

Nothing I was making a temporary post since my apartment internet if fuzzy but I ended up not being able to modify it at my apartment

Anyways! How long until the intrusive memories stop? It's getting kind of annoying. Everything feels as if it's coming to me...I'll look at something and I'm not looking at it, I'm looking at it's memory or it's use...

[[...]]

Hi loveisback,

 

It's difficult to determine with any accuracy, which withdrawal symptom you are describing.  It could be (one) or (more) than (one) of the following, very common withdrawal symptoms.  I copied and pasted them below.  I hope this helps you to understand what it is that you are experiencing. 

 

I'm just a layperson without any professional or specialized knowledge regarding intrusive thoughts or intrusive memories, so it would be unwise for me, and unfair to you for me to try and diagnose your concerns. 

What I can say with certainty, is if you did not have those intrusive thoughts before the benzos, we can assume that they are indeed a withdrawal symptom brought about by the use of benzos.  And they will go away.

 

As for how long intrusive thoughts can last, I wish I could tell you, but it's so different with each individual.  I had intrusive thoughts about my childhood and about death and dying for about one month, whereas some folks had intrusive thoughts for six months.

 

I wish you the best - and good luck to you.  Intrusive thoughts can be very disturbing, I know.  Just try to remember that they are temporary, and they will go away.

 

pj 

 

Depersonalization

 

What can be more frightening than feeling as though you are detached from yourself? This is the central feature of depersonalization. It is a feeling of being outside of yourself without any sense of control. Some sufferers often describe the sensation as observing themselves from outside of the body.

 

Other sensations of depersonalization may include:

•feeling unhuman or robot-like

•feeling foreign or unrecognizable to oneself

•feeling invisible or unreal

•

 

•Derealization

 

Where depersonalization focuses on one’s sense of self, derealization focuses on one’s sense of his or her surroundings. Sufferers often describe the sensation of derealization as being in a dream-like state where the environment seems unreal, foggy or hazy.

 

Other sensations of derealization may include:

◦feeling cut off from one’s surroundings

◦feeling like being trapped in a glass bubble

◦feeling like surrounding objects are unreal or cartoon-like

◦

◦Intrusive thoughts

 

 

An intrusive thought is an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate

 

[[Lo...]]

Haha, I'm fine with symptoms as long as they subside and don't have any permanence. Thank you for the help Oh, and I have intrusive thoughts/memories (intrusive is a pain when it's negative) and depersonalization, which the latter has subsided a little, but it's still annoying..

[[...]]

You're welcome.

 

Yes indeed, you got that right.  Depersonalization and negative intrusive thoughts are very annoying.  Thankfully, they aren't permanent.

 

I'm glad that your Depersonalization has begun to subside some.

 

pj

[[Lo...]]

On that note, my memories will come back right? I feel as if all I remember from myself as a child is what came up in memory when trying to remember these past couple of months. But when trying to gain even more of my memories, it's getting to a point where it's hard to do..also, did you have the feeling as if you couldn't control where you looked? Just as I can't make decisions [well, I can, it's just hard and does involve random selection] aside from logical decisions, I feel as if I can't control where I'm looking, unless it's a "check-look", an "anxious-scan", or a "wondurance-scan)

[[...]]

Good morning loveisback,

 

You are wondering if your memories will return.

 

If you are having memory problems now, that you did not have in the past, then you can assume that it's an issue directly attributed to the effects of having taken Benzos.  If that's the case, then your memories will come back.  Memory issues are a pretty common benzo withdrawal symptom.

 

If certain memories do not come back, then perhaps they are repressed memories that have been unconsciously blocked by you, because of the memory being associated with undue stress or trauma in your life that you would just as soon forget.

 

Personally, I have many suppressed memories from my time serving in the U.S. Army, because, like most folks do, I prefer to recall just the  happy memories in my life.

 

I never had a problem focusing on where I wanted to look.  Maybe, the fact that we cannot concentrate very well when in withdrawals is why you are all over the place when it comes to what you are seeing and where you are seeing it.  I did have problems when it came to making decisions.  Most folks do when in withdrawals.       

 

Benzo withdrawals play many tricks on our mind.  Things are often not what they appear to be.  Reality, it seems, has taken a back seat to the strange and the bizarre.

 

You have a nice weekend.  Try not to worry.  One day your memories will be as clear as an October sky, and all that is troubling you now will be pleasantly forgotten as you move on in your life.

 

pj

[[me...]]

PJ,

 

When you had insomnia during your healing, did you sleep lightly, dream a lot, and wake up frequently?  Just wondering if this is the typical pattern as a result from benzos.

[[Lo...]]

Thanks PJ, this entire experience just plays with our minds, and when you heal in some areas, you still recognize the areas that have healed slowly (probably is relation towards the healing of our other areas) which just drives me nuts.

And to meggie, I had the occassional wake ups for a couple of days (sleeping was never much of a problem for me since I tend to drream alot) but I did have a few nights where I would make up every 2 or 3 hours after each dream. That passed by slowly for me but in consideration of others' withdrrawals, mine has been going by pretty fast, so your sleep patterns will return in time

[[...]]

PJ,

 

When you had insomnia during your healing, did you sleep lightly, dream a lot, and wake up frequently?  Just wondering if this is the typical pattern as a result from benzos.

 

Hi meggiemay,

 

I slept lightly, and sporadically.  I didn't dream very much, but I definitely woke up a lot.  It seemed as though I would sleep for an hour, be awake for an hour or two, sleep for an hour, be awake for an hour - all night long.  Very frustrating.

 

Sleeping for short durations, and waking up frequently or not sleeping at all, definitely seems to follow a pattern when one is suffering from benzo induced insomnia.  I don't know much about the dreaming, because I had so few dreams for the first few months of withdrawals.   

 

As to how long insomnia lasts, there is no pattern.  We all recover in our own timeframe, because we are all so unique, and different.  'One size fits all' may be applicable when it comes to baseball caps, but 'one size fits all' is definitely not applicable when it comes to insomnia, and all the other crazy benzo withdrawal symptoms.

 

You have my sympathy, meggiemay.  Insomnia is a frustrating, maddening -  terrible withdrawal symptom.

 

Sleep tight   If you can.

 

pj

 

 

 

 

 

[[me...]]

Thanks again, PJ.  I just wonder sometimes if this crazy disturbed sleeping thing, is not caused from the Xanax.  I begin to wonder  if I now have nighttime hypoglycemia, or hormonal problems, or some other problem that is causing this.  I can't wait for the day I can write and say it was from the damage the Xanax caused but I am now healed and sleeping!

[[Lo...]]

Hey PJ, I noticed my bottom jaw going towards the right..would this fix itself or would I need procedures done once recovered? Also, the zombie phase ends right?

[[...]]

Thanks again, PJ.  I just wonder sometimes if this crazy disturbed sleeping thing, is not caused from the Xanax.  I begin to wonder  if I now have nighttime hypoglycemia, or hormonal problems, or some other problem that is causing this.  I can't wait for the day I can write and say it was from the damage the Xanax caused but I am now healed and sleeping!

 

Hi meggiemay,

 

Greetings to you on this beautiful Sunday morning.

 

For many folks, withdrawal related insomnia can be one of the longest lasting symptoms, and because it is, they begin to question if their insomnia may be a result of other ongoing issues in their life, and not from the damage done to them by the benzos. 

 

Meggiemay, it's okay to question and to wonder if your insomnia may not be from the Xanax, because it's not written in stone that all of our symptoms during withdrawals have to be caused by the benzos.

If your sleep was pretty good before you took any Xanax, then you can be quite certain that your insomnia was caused by the Xanax, and not by some other source.     

 

If your sleeping has not improved in another two or three months ( I know that's a long time) ... then you may want to investigate whether your insomnia is caused by a hormonal issue or some other ongoing events in your life that are causing you undue stress and anxiety, inhibiting your ability to sleep.

 

When you write and say that you are healed and you are sleeping, we will celebrate by doing a happy dance

 

pj

[[...]]

Hey PJ, I noticed my bottom jaw going towards the right..would this fix itself or would I need procedures done once recovered? Also, the zombie phase ends right?

 

Good morning loveisback,

 

Your jaw is moving to the right!  I never heard of that happening.  I wonder if you are just messin' with my mind the way the benzos used to do. 

 

I may live in the country, but I didn't just fall off the turnip truck

 

I'm just kidding with you.

 

Seriously -

 

Jaw pain, and other jaw problems are very common in benzo withdrawals,

so it does not surprise me that you are having jaw movement.  Benzos affect just about every muscle in our body, including the jaw muscles. 

 

If your jaw has moved to the right, and it stays in that position, that's a another issue, and it needs looking into.   

 

If your jaw issue does not eventually resolve on it's own, then, of course, you should probably see a doctor who is knowledgeable in diagnosing, and fixing a misaligned jaw. 

 

You bet!  The Zombie phase does end. 

 

Enjoy the rest of the weekend

 

pj

 

 

 

[[Lo...]]

hehe my memory is coming back I popped in an old GBA game (MegaMan) and I was playing a couple of swarms and then I was like ugh, my brothers "chips" are horrible, he needs better "battle chips". That memory

[[...]]

Good for you! 

 

I couldn't think of a more fun way to get some memories back from the past than by playing Mega Man.  It's hard to believe that Mega Man was released for Nintendo way back in 1986 or 1987.  And who could forget Game Boy, and Tetris?

 

Keep playing games.  It's a good way to take your mind off withdrawals, and to exercise your brain.

[[Lo...]]

Playing games is a definite help, although, to anyone reading this in the future : AVOID INTENSE GAMES, especially if you've been on it for a long duration (20 or 30 minutes). Intense games will seriously overload your brain, so don't be playing the latest NBA 2K for any longer than your brain can handle. Trust your instinct.

[[An...]]

Hi PJ, did you ever have a very stagnant period of time without windows where you felt like you had stopped making progress? That's what's been happening to me for about four months now. It's making me doubt that I'll heal pretty badly.

 

I wanted to tell you though that for about a week I've been able to realize that people really do heal and that my thought about you being fake was truly benzo withdrawal brain doing what it's best at. I can't believe all the weird thoughts it gives me. I can't even put into words all the ways it's made me feel. It was so weird but for months this whole site seemed sort of unreal to me at some points. I guess my perception of the world was warped in some bizarre way on and off. Oh PJ, I cannot wait to just feel like my old self again, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. To have a window would be nice...I know it may not happen though.

 

I was wondering, since you've written your thread and been responding to people on it, how many have written asking for your help and guidance and then come back to post to you that they've healed?

 

I hope you're doing so well!! I'm always so very grateful for your help and support. I'm so glad you're real PJ!

[[...]]

Hi Angelprint,

 

During the darkest days of withdrawals there were many times when nothing seemed real to me either.  Just like lots of other folks, there were times when I also felt like I was a stranger to myself, and there were those awkward  times when just about everyone in my life seemed like a stranger to me.

 

There were times when I questioned my own recovery.  Many times I asked myself - " Why is it taking so long?"  "How much damage was done?"  "Will I ever recover?"  All normal questions that one would ask when in withdrawals.  Normal questions to which there are no 'normal' answers, because nothing about benzo withdrawal is 'normal' or sane or makes much sense.   

 

Benzos take away our dignity, our confidence, our rational thinking, and a hundred other things, and leaves us stranded all alone on an island inhabited by nothing but loneliness, and confusion. 

Time ( lots of it), hope, and believing in our healing are what will rescue us from that island of despair, where self-doubt, and uncertainty - like waves upon the ocean, take us further and further away from reality.

 

Did I ever have a prolonged period of time when I had no windows?  I sure did!  I think we all do, just as we can also have a prolonged period of time when we have many windows. 

When we go a long time without any windows, it's normal to start thinking that we are never going to heal.  That is when we have to believe, with all our heart, that one day we will have a window big enough to see a mile long parade passing by.

 

Healing from benzos, for most folks, is a one step forward, and a two steps backwards process. 

 

Some days we feel like we are getting a little better, and we become hopeful that we ARE getting better, and the next day we are discouraged because we ARE not getting any better.

 

That's when we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps - take a walk in the sunshine and let all our worries and concerns drift away with the wind,

because tomorrow is a new day.  And that just could be the day when things turn around for us, and we begin to realize, and we begin to 'feel' that healing is becoming a reality - healing is no longer a fantasy.

 

I've talked to many dear, and wonderful folks on this thread.  For most of those folks, their main concern was if and when will they heal.  I am no expert, and I do not possess a crystal ball for which I can predict the future. 

All I could do was to encourage folks to be patient, have faith, and never stop believing that healing does happen.  Most of the folks who believed that they would heal have healed.  Most of the folks who believed that they would never heal have healed.

 

When asked by someone if they are going to heal, can I or any one, say with absolute certainty that they will heal from the damage caused them by benzos?

 

No, we cannot, because there may be things going on in their life that they are struggling with that go deeper, and are more complicated, and more painful than what the benzos have done to them or are doing to them.  They will not heal until all those other issues are resolved.

 

Given my limited education and knowledge, what I can tell folks is that if they did not suffer from the conditions that they are now suffering from BEFORE  they took any benzos or if they DID have a condition that they were given benzos for, and that condition has gotten worse since taking benzos, then they can be reassured that benzos are indeed the cause of their current condition, and they will recover.

 

I can think of at least six folks who I have talked to on this thread that have gone on to write their success stories.  Some people will never post a success story because it is too painful for them to rehash what has to be the most painful and confusing time of their life.  They just want to travel as fast as they can down the highway to their new life without looking back into their rearview mirror.

 

The best to you.  I'm kinda glad that I am real, too!  I like my life and all the people in it.

 

pj

 

[[An...]]

Such wonderful sage advice PJ, thank you so much! I know 10000% this is all withdrawal. I guess that is in and of itself progress because several months ago I kept going through feeling it was all just the new me. That has to count for progress of some sort.

 

Do you ever feel like the person walking on the beach in that old story of the star fish tossing the star fish back into the sea? You remind me of that person. I'm one of the star fish you are tossing back into the sea...you've made a difference to me.

 

"Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

 

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

 

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

 

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

 

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

 

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

 

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

 

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

 

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said,

"It made a difference for that one."

-Loren Eiseley

 

PS-I hope I get to be the seventh person you remember who comes back to tell you I've healed.

 

Thank you always from my heart PJ 

[[...]]

Playing games is a definite help, although, to anyone reading this in the future : AVOID INTENSE GAMES, especially if you've been on it for a long duration (20 or 30 minutes). Intense games will seriously overload your brain, so don't be playing the latest NBA 2K for any longer than your brain can handle. Trust your instinct.

 

Hi Loveisback,

 

This is some very good advice for the gamers out there

[[...]]

Such wonderful sage advice PJ, thank you so much! I know 10000% this is all withdrawal. I guess that is in and of itself progress because several months ago I kept going through feeling it was all just the new me. That has to count for progress of some sort.

 

Do you ever feel like the person walking on the beach in that old story of the star fish tossing the star fish back into the sea? You remind me of that person. I'm one of the star fish you are tossing back into the sea...you've made a difference to me.

 

"Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

 

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

 

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

 

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

 

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

 

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

 

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

 

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

 

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said,

"It made a difference for that one."

-Loren Eiseley

 

PS-I hope I get to be the seventh person you remember who comes back to tell you I've healed.

 

Thank you always from my heart PJ 

Hi Angelprint

 

Thank you for posting that wonderful, inspiring snippet from "The Star Thrower" essays by Loren Eiseley.  It's been a long time since I've read the starfish story.  Thank you so much for sharing it here.  It was very kind and thoughtful of you to do that.

 

For you to equate me with the person who was rescuing starfish from their sad fate by tossing them back into the ocean was such a nice thing for you to do.   

 

When I visit the seashore again, I will search for stranded starfish, and when I find one, I will recall your kind words as I pick it up, and toss it gently back into the ocean.

 

Angelprint, the story you posted makes us realize that we, as human beings, can be just as fragile as the delicate starfish, and just like the starfish, there are times when we too, may need a helping hand to rescue us from circumstances in our life that can leave us stranded, and all alone ... vulnerable and helpless. 

 

Just like that person in the starfish story, who, by showing compassion, made a difference in the life of a lowly starfish, we, by our compassion and understanding, can make a difference in the life of a fellow human being.  Sometimes all it takes is a friendly smile or a gentle hug.

 

I look forward to you being the seventh person from this thread to post a success story. 

 

"You're gonna make it after all."    I (borrowed) those words from the Mary Tyler Moore theme song.

 

Enjoy the Summer.  Once in awhile, put all your grown-up worries on hold ... and be a kid again!

 

Sing a sllly song while dancing in the rain, walk barefoot in the grass or go shoeless in the sand.  Catch a Firefly, chase a Butterfly.  Go to the Fair.  Eat pink Cotton Candy.  Ride the Merry-Go-Round.

 

pj