An experience like no other

[[me...]]

Hello PJ,

 

 

The last week or so, I have had a full feeling in the back of my brain and I feel just a general mental agitation almost constantly.  Thought I was almost healed from most of my symptoms, except for insomnia and occasional butterflies.  Do you think this from the Xanax?  Or could it be something else? I sure don't like it.  If it is from the Xanax, is it normal to be almost healed and then have something like this pop up?

Thanks so much.

 

[[...]]

Hi there meggiemay,

 

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time.  The whole withdrawal process is a real confusing anomaly that gives folks a lot of anxiety and a lot of constant worry, because withdrawals, and the symptoms they cause are so unpredictable.

 

Often, when someone feels that they are almost healed, a new symptom pops up or some of the symptoms that they assumed were gone, come back again.  To have this happen is not all that unusual, meggiemay. 

 

Brain zaps, and other strange happenings in the brain, from what I've read on various posts, are a pretty common symptom for many folks, and those symptoms, like all the other symptoms do - they eventually go away.

 

I assume that the new symptoms that you are experiencing are all related to the Xanax, but I have no way of knowing for certain if they are.  Many folks are hesitant to see a doctor, especially if that doctor prescribed benzos for them.

 

But, out of an abundance of caution, and for your peace of mind, if those symptoms increase in intensity, or if  your (inner voice)  tells you something other than withdrawals may be happening - please Do Not hesitate to see a doctor.

 

I hope I didn't needlessly alarm you, but I care about you, and I want what's best for you.

 

pj

[[me...]]

Hi PJ,

 

Thanks again for your prompt response, I appreciate it greatly.  I believe it is from the Xanax, but then I get worried that it is not.  I never had this before I took Xanax.  What a roller coaster this has been.

 

 

Blessings,

 

Meggie

 

[[...]]

You're welcome Meggie, 

 

A roller coaster is a good analogy when it comes to describing withdrawals, because every day of withdrawals is indeed a roller coaster. 

 

Just like a roller coaster - up and down goes our emotions, up and down goes our anxiety, up and down goes our belief that healing does happen.  Meggie, even during those down days when you experience a set back, you are still healing. 

 

Your brain is working non-stop - silently and efficiently, twenty-four hours a day to repair the damage that was caused to you by the Xanax. 

 

As I look out my window, I see that the Hummingbird feeder is almost empty;  time to refill it with four parts water and one part sugar - no red dye.  Red dye can be harmful to those magnificent little birds.

 

You have a nice day.

 

pj

[[ca...]]

Hi PJ!

 

Can you let me know how intermittently you used the Ativan? I am in the same boat with intermittent use of once a week to 3-4 tea a week to not taking it at all. I am just so shocked this can happen when it is not used everyday... Any words of advice for me? Do we heal as well? Why does this happen if we don't take it everyday?

[[...]]

Hi cadkins,

 

When I was first given the Ativan, I took it continuously for a month or so to ease the pain from the H,Pylori, and to be able to get some sleep. 

 

Eventually, I began taking the Ativan two or three times a week just for sleep.  I would skip a few days, take it again for two or three days, skip a few days, all the while, unbeknownst to me, I was becoming caught in a web of deceit that was being spun by that monster drug, Ativan.

 

Not knowing any better, I thought the only way to free myself from that web of pain and confusion, was to go cold turkey. 

 

Ativan helped me to sleep in the most miraculous way.  At first I praised the Ativan for what it was doing (FOR) me, then I cursed the Ativan for what it had done (TO) me!

 

I was in a perpetual state of withdrawals.  ( Of course, I did not know that I was having withdrawals).  I realized it when I discovered this web site.

 

Do we heal?  We sure do.  It makes no difference for how long we took benzos, how intermittently we took them, whether we tapered or whether we went cold turkey, folks do heal, and you will too.

 

I don't know if anyone has the definitive answer as to why benzos do to us what they do to us, but through my own experience, and reading about the experiences of others, I can assure you that you are going to heal from your encounter with the Ativan.

 

The best advice I can give you is to be patient, and to accept your withdrawals for what they are ( a temporary, painful - confusing disruption in your life).

 

Try taking walks every day to improve your mental well-being.  Even mild or light exercise can release endorphins in your brain, leading to positive feelings. 

Diversions such as doing crossword puzzles, talking on the phone, watching non-violent, upbeat movies or doing a whole host of other things that give you some satisfaction or enjoyment can help to take your mind off of withdrawals.

 

Dwelling too much on withdrawals just seems to heap more stress and anxiety on a person, who, because of those withdrawals, already have more than enough stress and anxiety in their life.

 

Sometimes, to keep our sanity, we just have to laugh about our situation, because withdrawals are what they are - a mind bending, body slamming experience caused by a drug that we have no control over when it comes to the many ways in which it tortures, and demeans a body. 

 

Sometimes we just have to cry about our situation, because laughter does not come very easily when benzos have turned a person's world completely upside down.   

 

If you can, try and live your life as 'normally' as possible, and most importantly, keep reminding yourself that the nightmare of withdrawals do end, and that you will heal - yes you will

 

I do wish you the best.   

 

pj

[[ca...]]

Hi PJ!

 

Thank you for responding first of all! I appreciate it.  I have some questions to follow up with if you don't mind.

 

Did you have a lot of bizarre symptoms that made you think something else was wrong?  Did you perception changes and a different reality feeling? DP/dr?  Also physical pains as well? I'm trying my best to cope it just shocks me that not taking this pill everyday could have this effect...

 

Did you notice any of the early months being the worst part?? Are you completely back to normal now and can do things like have a beer, have normal feelings and thoughts, have s hard workout etc...

 

Will you PM me so i get a notification of your response- if not that's ok!!

 

Thank you so much again- keeping the faith!!

[[...]]

Your welcome,

 

I'm not on this site anymore accept to check this thread to see if anyone has posted something to me.  If I do not get back to you or other folks in a timely manner, that's the reason why.

 

You're not alone when it comes to having bizarre symptoms that make you feel  as though something else is wrong.  Many folks have felt this way. Try not to 'Google' symptoms - it will drive you crazy!

 

You asked if I had a lot of bizarre symptoms that made me think something else was wrong.  Yes, I did, but I didn't have a clue that the Ativan was the cause of those strange symptoms.  So what did I do?  I would go to the doctor, explain my symptoms to her, she would run tests, and all those tests came up negative. 

 

She was as clueless as I was when it came to benzos.  It really ticked me off that I had to go through all the stress and the anxiety of not knowing what was wrong with me, when all along it was the Ativan, and no doctor could tell me that it was withdrawals from the Ativan.  Like many other folks, I had to figure it out for myself.

 

I had some mild DP and DR, and lots of physical pain, especially in my legs, back, neck, and shoulders.  The first few months of withdrawals were indeed the most painful and the most confusing. 

 

I have been healed for a long time, and I am back to being my old self.  I do whatever I want to do without any limitations or reservations.  I eat or drink whatever I want to.  I appreciate my life so much more than I did before I took any benzos. 

 

I think after surviving the withdrawal process we become a better, wiser, more compassionate copy of the person that we used to be.

 

Good luck to you.  Don't you worry - you will get your life back.

 

pj 

[[ca...]]

That's ok  so glad you still respond to this thread! Did you feel like the DP/dr would not lift?? These are my most troublesome symptoms with all the pain you just described- can you tell when they lift?? Thank you!!

[[...]]

That's ok  so glad you still respond to this thread! Did you feel like the DP/dr would not lift?? These are my most troublesome symptoms with all the pain you just described- can you tell when they lift?? Thank you!!

Good morning cadkins,

 

Benzos are notorious for convincing a person that they are destined to have withdrawals forever, and that they will never have any order or sanity back in their life ever again.  There were many days when I felt like my withdrawal symptoms would never go away, including the DP and the DR.  But they did go away and so will all your withdrawal symptoms.

 

On a beautiful clear, sky blue day, the benzos can convince someone that it is really a cloudy, dark and dreary day.  When we want to believe that healing does happen, the benzos try to convince us that healing does not happen.  They take away our positive thoughts and turn them into negative thoughts (they are so good at doing that).

 

That's why it's important to try, with all your might, to fill your mind with positive thoughts that are so strong that they push those negative thoughts from your mind.

 

Withdrawals are terrible.  They are awful.  They hurt, and it seems like they will never go away.  But, cadkins, believe me when I tell you that they will go away, just like they have gone away for me and thousands of other folks.

 

When your DP and DR lifts and they drift away like waves on the Ocean, your world and everything in it, will be as clear and as bright as a crystal chandelier.  You will be singing "I can see clearly now".

 

Have a very nice day. 

 

pj 

 

[[An...]]

Pj, I just wanted to say I always love reading your reassuring responses and am always so grateful that you take the time to write to each of us. Hope you're having a wonderful day!

[[ca...]]

Can you describe how your dp/dr and brain fog felt just so I know this is what it is? Thank you!!! ❤️

[[...]]

Pj, I just wanted to say I always love reading your reassuring responses and am always so grateful that you take the time to write to each of us. Hope you're having a wonderful day!

 

Thank you, Angelprint.  You are very kind and very sweet.  I hope all is well with you.

[[...]]

Can you describe how your dp/dr and brain fog felt just so I know this is what it is? Thank you!!! ❤️

 

Hi cadkins,

 

My DR and DP were very mild, and did not last all that long, maybe just three or four weeks.  I mainly had feelings of detachment.  It was like I was on the outside looking in.  I was there, and yet I wasn't there.  Strange stuff, those withdrawals.

 

Perhaps what I have posted below will enlighten you as to what constitutes DP and DR.

 

Depersonalization

 

What can be more frightening than feeling as though you are detached from yourself? This is the central feature of depersonalization. It is a feeling of being outside of yourself without any sense of control. Some sufferers often describe the sensation as observing themselves from outside of the body.

 

Other sensations of depersonalization may include:

•feeling unhuman or robot-like

•feeling foreign or unrecognizable to oneself

•feeling invisible or unreal

 

•Derealization

 

Where depersonalization focuses on one’s sense of self, derealization focuses on one’s sense of his or her surroundings. Sufferers often describe the sensation of derealization as being in a dream-like state where the environment seems unreal, foggy or hazy.

 

Other sensations of derealization may include:

◦feeling cut off from one’s surroundings

◦feeling like being trapped in a glass bubble

◦feeling like surrounding objects are unreal or cartoon-like

◦

◦Intrusive thoughts

 

 

An intrusive thought is an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate

 

Good luck to you.

 

pj

[[ca...]]

Does the Dp and dr usually go hand in hand with each other? And does it go away for everyone? Thanks again!

[[...]]

Hi cadkins,

 

I'm pretty certain that a person can have depersonalization without having derealization or vice versa - they do not necessarily go hand in hand.

 

To ease your concern about your DP or DR, ( I am certainly no expert on the subject) But, because they can definitely be a withdrawal symptom from benzos, I can say that if you DID NOT have DP/DR before you took Ativan, then we can assume that it was caused by the Ativan.  If that's the case, then, yes, it will go away, but it takes time.  How much time does it take?  There is no correct answer to that question, because everyone heals at a different rate.

 

"Does DP/DR go away for everyone", you asked.  If it was caused by benzos then it should go away, but there may be things going on in a person's life totally unrelated to their taking of benzos that is causing them to experience DP/DR. 

If that's the case, then that person would probably have to seek professional advice in order to get at the root cause of their DP or DR, which can be brought on by extreme anxiety.

 

You are very concerned about having DP/DR, and I can understand why, and I emphasize with you.  DP/DR are terribly confusing symptoms to have deal with. 

 

Go out and have some fun.  Forget about withdrawals for a spell, and all the confusion and worrying that goes with them.  You're gonna recover, so just fasten your seatbelt and go along for the ride.   

 

You take good care of yourself, and you have a pleasant weekend.

 

pj. 

[[ca...]]

Thank you PJ!

 

All of your responses have helped me so much. Of course I have everyday stress but nothing like what has been going on for the past 3 months.  All of the symptoms from body pain, nausea, weird skin sensations, the cognitive issues and perception issues have never occurred until my use of Ativan and after I stopped the Ativan for good.  I think anxiety definitely comes along with the whole experience which probably doesn't help the cause at all! But can I just assume that everything that is going on has been brought on by the Ativan use and withdrawal? Thanks for coming back to this site!!!

[[...]]

cadkins,

 

As sure as the Sun rises in the East and sets in the West, you can be certain that everything that is going on with you has indeed been brought on by the Ativan. 

 

Having said that - as a caveat, I want to caution you that if you ever get a new symptom that you get a 'feeling' that it may be something other than withdrawals, do not hesitate to see a doctor. 

 

Much peace and happiness to you

 

pj

 

 

[Guest [ho...]]

Your story is amazing and I'm thankful you are checking back in to help others still. My story is below. I'm beyond scared and nervous about this process. I feel like I don't have a year or more to go through this. I have small kids and need to be a mom again.

Hello,

Another person on this site recommended I reach out to you. Would you be willing to read through my posts? I've only posted 3 times. I'm basically looking for reassurance that things are heading in the right direction. I need positive help not scary stories which is what I seem to be getting. I'm a very short time user, 2 months ativan only 1 mg at night for sleep. Did a quick 2 week taper which was probably too quick but wanted off so badly. I'm now 3 months off and I've had some really good windows where I felt pretty normal. 3 long ones so far. My last one lasted 3 weeks so I throught I was really through the worst part. When I did feel yucky it was mostly mild anxiety and neck pain with headaches. They were tolerable though. Just got hit with a bad wave again yesterday. Anxiety and bad insomnia again. Darn it I was sleeping so good again for 3 weeks. I'm so disappointed as I was doing so well. Honestly the insomnia is the hardest part for me. I can deal with some anxiety and the mild physical symptoms but the insomnia kills me and makes everything worse. I also completely lose my appetite when these waves hit. I was eating so well again  and so much it was great. Based on your experience and time on this site do you think my healing is rapid based on the long windows I've had? I know it's hard to really say but everyone else I come across has very short windows if any at all which is why I'm so confused. I really thought I had gotten things under control. I even was having some days where the depression was gone and my mood was lifted. I just want this to be over. I'm 3 months off and only took 1 darn pill a night for 2 months. This is crazy!! I really appreciate your help and am hoping for positive encouraging responses. I'm sensitive and very worried again and can't handle horror stories. 

 

[[...]]

Your story is amazing and I'm thankful you are checking back in to help others still. My story is below. I'm beyond scared and nervous about this process. I feel like I don't have a year or more to go through this. I have small kids and need to be a mom again.

Hello,

Another person on this site recommended I reach out to you. Would you be willing to read through my posts? I've only posted 3 times. I'm basically looking for reassurance that things are heading in the right direction. I need positive help not scary stories which is what I seem to be getting. I'm a very short time user, 2 months ativan only 1 mg at night for sleep. Did a quick 2 week taper which was probably too quick but wanted off so badly. I'm now 3 months off and I've had some really good windows where I felt pretty normal. 3 long ones so far. My last one lasted 3 weeks so I throught I was really through the worst part. When I did feel yucky it was mostly mild anxiety and neck pain with headaches. They were tolerable though. Just got hit with a bad wave again yesterday. Anxiety and bad insomnia again. Darn it I was sleeping so good again for 3 weeks. I'm so disappointed as I was doing so well. Honestly the insomnia is the hardest part for me. I can deal with some anxiety and the mild physical symptoms but the insomnia kills me and makes everything worse. I also completely lose my appetite when these waves hit. I was eating so well again  and so much it was great. Based on your experience and time on this site do you think my healing is rapid based on the long windows I've had? I know it's hard to really say but everyone else I come across has very short windows if any at all which is why I'm so confused. I really thought I had gotten things under control. I even was having some days where the depression was gone and my mood was lifted. I just want this to be over. I'm 3 months off and only took 1 darn pill a night for 2 months. This is crazy!! I really appreciate your help and am hoping for positive encouraging responses. I'm sensitive and very worried again and can't handle horror stories. 

 

 

Good morning to you hope75,

 

As I write this, you are healing inside.  It may not show on the outside, but on the inside, little miracles are happening.  The broken pieces are being put back together again.  It takes time, because when the job is done, and you are healed - there's going to be a whole new you -  a stronger, more confident, and  happier person will emerge.

 

You have had long windows, and you have had periods of good sleep.  Those are very encouraging signs that the healing process is doing it's job very well, and doing it quicker than it does for many other folks, perhaps sending a signal  that you will most likely completely heal sooner than you think you will.

 

It's very discouraging for you, I know, to have those windows that made you feel almost 'normal' again to end.  But that's how this crazy withdrawal thing works.  You get a nice long window, and you hold your breath, hoping it's all over, and then along comes that wave, knocking you over, and turning your world upside down again.

 

I can go on forever about insomnia, and what it does to us, but I will refrain from doing so, because you, as a mother of three small kids, know more about it than I could possibly ever know.  My heart goes out to you.  It takes a very special, and a very strong person to nurture, and guide three small kids, while at the same time you have to navigate your way through the ups and downs of withdrawals.

 

But, all is not doom and gloom.  Eventually, you will have a window that does not close, your insomnia will end, your anxiety will end, and you will be sleeping like a newborn baby.  The nightmare of withdrawals will be over.  The sweet dreams of peace and contentment will begin.

 

Here's a poem I wrote a long time ago to a mother who was struggling with the anxiety and the confusion of withdrawals.

 

Mom, you tried to laugh today,

but you could only cry.

I'm just a little kid,

but, mom, I understand the reason why.

 

You are feeling bad

cause you cannot play with me.

Don't worry, Mom; I understand.

You will get better- just you wait and see.

 

I understand why it makes you sad

when you can't move very fast,

cause your legs are stiffer than a robots.

Don't worry- it won't last. 

 

I'm smarter than you think I am.

I understand lots of stuff.

I may be little,

but I am tuff.

 

You don't have to be perfect

in every little way

for me to love you,

each and every day.

 

Because Mom, I know

when you are all better;

you will make me feel more important

than a special delivery letter.

 

 

Take good care of yourself.  I know you're taking good care of your kids.  As long as you can give your kids a peanut butter sandwich, or a bowl of mac and cheese topped off with a big hug and a kiss, you're not neglecting them.  Kids are so resilient and so forgiving.  They will not even remember that you were not able to inter-act with them as much as you wanted to.

 

This temporary setback in your life that was caused by the Ativan will end.  And when it does, you and your kids will be so happy, that everyday will seem like a day at the beach

 

pj

 

[Guest [ho...]]

Pj, this letter was so nice! I'm so blown away that someone who is healed and better is still willing to spend time on this site to help others that are struggling. I originally tried to send my note to you in a private message but it wouldn't let me and said u blocked them. Sorry for posting my story on your success story but thank you so much for your kind words. The poem made me cry. Not being able to be the mom I normally am has been so hard on me. During the windows I've had I got those moments back only to be ripped away again. I just can't understand how I can have such long windows of great only to be thrown into mass destruction again like the beginning. In your experience do the bad waves get shorter and less severe in time and windows better and longer? This is so hard!

 

 

[[...]]

Hello hope,

 

It's perfectly okay that you posted your story here.

 

What you are going through is one of the scariest, most painful, and confusing things that you will most likely ever have to face. You're not alone when it comes to understanding withdrawals - I don't think anyone truly understands all the complexities of benzo withdrawals.

 

Even Job with all his patience and King Solomon with all his wisdom would of had a hard time dealing with withdrawals.   

 

I didn't have any windows in the first three months of withdrawals (maybe that's because I went cold turkey)  When I began to have windows, they were very short - sometimes less than a day.  Eventually I had windows that lasted for a month or more.  To have a wave after having a window that lasted so long, was like being told I didn't exist.

 

In my experience, bad waves do get shorter and less severe in time, and windows do get better and they do last longer.  We have zero control over this process, so all a person can do is to wait, remain patient, and keep believing that healing does happen, because it does.  That magical day will come when you are healed.  There will be no more insomnia.  Once again, a window will be something you look out of, and a wave will be a ripple on the Ocean. 

 

Keep reading, and keep posting.  There are many very kind and compassionate folks on this forum who are very knowledgeable and understanding.

You seem like a very nice, caring person.  Your kids are lucky to have you for their mom.

 

I want to share this Native American prayer with you.  It is so beautiful in it's simplicity.  I don't recall where I first saw this little gem, so I cannot credit the person who wrote it.

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

 

[Guest [ho...]]

Thank you so much PJ. You are so kind!

[[...]]

You're welcome.

 

I hope the insomnia is lessening for you.

 

Try to remain strong, and steadfast in the belief that you are going to recover.  Think positive.  The power of positive thinking is very real, and very powerful.  Positive thoughts always trump (not Donald) negative thoughts.

 

You are strong, and you have more grit and determination than you think you do.  When the insomnia has ended, and you are experiencing that blissful, restful sleep again, you will realize just what a 'tough cookie' you are.

 

pj

[[ca...]]

Hi PJ! Hope you are doing well 😁. I do see some improvements in my symptoms at times so that's always a plus even if it's just a little bit!  I know I will not be drinking for a long long time until I know I am definitely healed but when I am you did say it is possible to be able to drink whatever you want to (obviously in moderation). I'm in my 20's and would really like to believe that one day I will be TOTALLY back to normal in the respect that I will be able to do the things I did before this benzo mess!! Any insight would be great! Thanks pj