18-30 MONTHS AND UPWARDS

[[2t...]]

Thanks WR but thankfully I am just on a business trip for a couple of days to NY, I mentioned it as the cold weather was a shock to me.

 

2trusting

[[...]]

Hi Buddies!

 

I can't write much just now, but I wanted you to know that you are all in my thoughts. Walking this debilitating journey with you, at 21 months and still windowless/no improvement to report. But hey, every day we walk on this side of our tapers and CTs is a day in homeostasis and healing. In our time-frames, we most likely have done the hardest, it is a matter of staying strong.

 

Keep walking. We've got this. BBs needs our Success Stories!

 

Warm Healing Hugs, and lots of Strength to All 

Julz xx

[[NY...]]

Good morning, Julia.  I'm so sorry you don't feel the improvements yet. It's a mystery why some of us heal with windows, and others don't.  What we do know, thanks to those who fought this battle b4 us, is that no matter how it plays out, we all get to the finish line eventually. 

 

During the worst of my taper, I was so emaciated (mostly due to food phobia), that I grew hair on my face.  I couldn't do much, mostly bedridden, completely delusional, depressed, filled with terror.  My memory was so shot, I could hardly remember if I ate breakfast.  Extreme DP/DR - felt like I was tripping on acid with the flu. I couldn't string coherent sentence together...just  a complete mess, thought I was going to die every day.  The woman who cut my hair had mistakenly thought I had terminal cancer during this time (I had just told her I was having "health issues").  The next time I returned, just two months later, I was in a window that lasted quite a while.  My first glimpse of what recovery may feel like.  I think this was around .125mg of K.  My weight was stabilizing, my hair grew back, the mental symptoms (mostly) lifted.  I looked and felt like a new woman.  She couldn't believe the huge change when she saw me, and was even more shocked when I told her what was truly wrong. 

 

Obviously I've traveled again to the depths of hell many times (at this point i hadn't even had a seizure yet...I've had 3 now - the last at 22 months).  Anyway, windows like this proved to me that underneath those horrible, oppressive symptoms, healing is happening, for all of us, no matter how bad it feels at the moment.  I'm sorry you don't get windows like this to prove it to you also, but it's happening just the same.  It truly is what healing from these poison meds feels like, and despite the awful symptoms you're enduring now, you could very well pop out of this a healed woman, any day now.  I know you believe all of this, b/c you so graciously spread these words all over the boards, but I wanted to chime in anyway .  For you, me, all of us here -- the odds are that complete healing will happen (fairly) soon. The worst is most definitely behind us all .

 

Sending love and strength to all the 18-30+ buddies.

 

WR

 

 

 

 

[[So...]]

NYC - thanks for posting that note.  I am now 26 months off and still in the thick of it. I had two days last week where the windows were for @2 hours or so and then I got knocked back down but am grateful for that opportunity of knowing that I am in there somewhere in the midst of this suffering.  Please keep this thread going. 

[[lo...]]

after having couple decent weeks, I'm back to feeling bad. anxiety through the roof, mind racing, sleep harder, shorter

this seems to be a pattern. couple weeks of good, and then couple weeks of bad.  anybody else feels similar?

life stresses definitely can send me into a tailspin, like work related stuff. weekend and vacation i get some relief but it is still hard when i'm in the 'wave'.

[[Ho...]]

after having couple decent weeks, I'm back to feeling bad. anxiety through the roof, mind racing, sleep harder, shorter

this seems to be a pattern. couple weeks of good, and then couple weeks of bad.  anybody else feels similar?

life stresses definitely can send me into a tailspin, like work related stuff. weekend and vacation i get some relief but it is still hard when i'm in the 'wave'.

 

Yes definitely my case. My cycle is now 2 weeks relatively "doable" with returning symptoms from previous month and than 2 weeks full of new crap including mornings & evenings.

But after a cycle those symptoms seems to dissapear for good. So it's a a matter of time in my case. Let's keep our fingerz crossed. Do you also see symptoms go away after a bad spell?

 

I am in the beginning of my third year now.

[[Vi...]]

I’m dreaming to have a few somewhat better weeks. 3 years no window and symptoms getting worse not better. Still severe anxiety and my head scalp pain becomes bead migraine now 24/7. Can’t sleep or function.. When is going to end? Approved for Botox but scared to do it bc reading horror stories about it.

Supplements dos not help,  scared to take Tylenol all the time, eathing healthy, no sugar coffee alcohol gluten dairy... still not better.

I’m in hell :'(

Vica

[[lo...]]

yes, the wave 'peaks', and oftentimes it is over within 1-2 days max. then all seems gone, oftentimes I just feel to scared to believe it.

I am 27 months or so out, and it appears that many people have similar exp. around this time frame.

lets hope we are close:)

 

after having couple decent weeks, I'm back to feeling bad. anxiety through the roof, mind racing, sleep harder, shorter

this seems to be a pattern. couple weeks of good, and then couple weeks of bad.  anybody else feels similar?

life stresses definitely can send me into a tailspin, like work related stuff. weekend and vacation i get some relief but it is still hard when i'm in the 'wave'.

 

Yes definitely my case. My cycle is now 2 weeks relatively "doable" with returning symptoms from previous month and than 2 weeks full of new crap including mornings & evenings.

But after a cycle those symptoms seems to dissapear for good. So it's a a matter of time in my case. Let's keep our fingerz crossed. Do you also see symptoms go away after a bad spell?

 

I am in the beginning of my third year now.

[[cw...]]

I'm so worried I'm going to have to drop out of school.

 

I had to stay home from class again today because my anxiety is the worst that it's been in a year. My neck feels like it's going to explode. I can't eat because as soon as I try to swallow, it feels like it's going to come right up.

 

I never would have thought that the further along I got in this healing process, the worse I'd feel. I obsess over the thought of "I'm 17 months, almost 18 months off and I'm feeling worse. I shouldn't be feeling this bad so far into this process, something more is wrong with me". It doesn't help that I'm trying to get into meditation and everything says "take a deep breath", but I can't. I can't get a full breath. It constantly feels like I have something in and-or on my chest.

 

This is so miserable, I'm losing hope.

[[te...]]

Hi all, just want to say that my heart goes out to all who are still suffering. I am ~29 months out and doing a lot better but this week I'm in a wave from too much stress. Still thankful for all the improvements. I have healed a lot and hopefully things will continue to get better.

[[te...]]

 

Hi A1965,

 

So sorry to hear you're still struggling.  You may want to read some of my posts so I don't repeat myself here.  I was on Klonopin for 30 years and it's now been almost 5 years since I cold turkeyed.  Keep in mind I was gravely ill and bedridden from Klonopin BEFORE I quit.  I didn't see much improvement until my 3rd year.  My first 2 1/2 years were horror shows.  I came back specifically to let Buddies know that all my horrific symptoms just very slowly faded away.  It did take more TIME than I ever expected, but if my very sick body could recover, then I know the rest of the Buddies here will too.  Don't think that this is forever, because it's not.  It all goes away, but it just takes time.  It's very frustrating because society is so use to taking a pill for this and a pill for that, but honestly there are no pills to help what we have.  We are at the mercy of TIME.  I stopped all medications and am nearly completely recovered.  Just needs time.  Hang in there.

 

This is super encouraging

Thanks Mcllm

[[Kl...]]

So does this mean 3 yrs or in the 3rd year 2-3, 30+ ?months.

 

But I see that 3 yr mark as the place to be over and over. I'll finally turn 30 in a week. Been a slow hard couple months. Keep fighting buddies, we will get there..

 

 

[[Ne...]]

Where is everyone? I hope this means that buddies are feeling better

I have been having a few good days then a bad one. It’s some kind of weird “dance”.

But the beginning of April I will be in my 31st month. SO.....is there a group for that?

Don’t like the sounds of a 3 year group

How about 30 months +? Is there one already or anyone have any suggestions for

a group to keep our spirits up

❤️New girl

[[Kl...]]

Not doing well at all. Been in a wave for 8 weeks now. It's gotten extremely intense the last couple weeks. I have a day where I feel good, then the rest have been terrible. My wake ups have got worse, intense nerve pain / anxiety / mental anguish. It's been the worst period I can remember for this long and this bad. I am 30 months on Sunday.. losing hope a bit honestly. I had a window on Sunday that was great, but this week has been awful.

 

I think a group would be helpful for those of us leaving this one.

[[NY...]]

Hey buddies 

 

Sorry to hear it, Klungo.  My wave is finally breaking a bit, after almost 11 agonizing weeks.  The mental anguish has been incredible. Torture.  Hoping to report to you guys a majorly improved baseline as I ease out of it a bit more .  I have had windows that lasted a few hours where I felt better than ever, but they're short-lived.  Still, they make me hopeful that this could end in the blink of an eye (although I lose hope about this, as I don't read many success stories where it's happened...?).  Klungo, did you mention that's how Balyssa healed?

 

This thread is "18-30 months and upwards", but if it triggers folks to have 30+ people writing here, maybe it's a good idea to start a new one.  I'll leave it up to you guys.  I know reading posts by people who are 4+ years off really triggers me, so I understand.

 

Hoping everyone finds a bit of relief today.

 

WR

 

 

[[Ne...]]

I’m so anxious I didn’t even realize this group name was 18-30 and “upwards”. I guess that’s for those of us still suffering at 31 months and beyond.

The anxiety has been at an all time high. It’s so frustrating trying to figure out if did something (like eat too much sugar) or didn’t do something (like enough exercise). It’s not bad enough to have the anxiety but thinking about it is making me even crazier. And I’ve been having this brain fog...can’t explain it exactly but can’t absorb information or process it correctly. It’s really disturbing. I know there are people who have symptoms this far out, but why after feeling ok for a few weeks???

This is the hardest part and thinking its something else or that my brain is just never going to completely heal. Sending healing thoughts to all those out there on this journey.

I don’t know, I guess watching college basketball isn’t helping the anxiety at all.

Any other b-ball fans out there?

New Girl

[[mo...]]

I’m so anxious I didn’t even realize this group name was 18-30 and “upwards”. I guess that’s for those of us still suffering at 31 months and beyond.

The anxiety has been at an all time high. It’s so frustrating trying to figure out if did something (like eat too much sugar) or didn’t do something (like enough exercise). It’s not bad enough to have the anxiety but thinking about it is making me even crazier. And I’ve been having this brain fog...can’t explain it exactly but can’t absorb information or process it correctly. It’s really disturbing. I know there are people who have symptoms this far out, but why after feeling ok for a few weeks???

This is the hardest part and thinking its something else or that my brain is just never going to completely heal. Sending healing thoughts to all those out there on this journey.

I don’t know, I guess watching college basketball isn’t helping the anxiety at all.

Any other b-ball fans out there?

New Girl

 

Yes, b-ball fan. Tired. Liked your post, can relate.

[[Kl...]]

Hey buddies 

 

Sorry to hear it, Klungo.  My wave is finally breaking a bit, after almost 11 agonizing weeks.  The mental anguish has been incredible. Torture.  Hoping to report to you guys a majorly improved baseline as I ease out of it a bit more .  I have had windows that lasted a few hours where I felt better than ever, but they're short-lived.  Still, they make me hopeful that this could end in the blink of an eye (although I lose hope about this, as I don't read many success stories where it's happened...?).  Klungo, did you mention that's how Balyssa healed?

 

This thread is "18-30 months and upwards", but if it triggers folks to have 30+ people writing here, maybe it's a good idea to start a new one.  I'll leave it up to you guys.  I know reading posts by people who are 4+ years off really triggers me, so I understand.

 

Hoping everyone finds a bit of relief today.

 

WR

 

Baylissa had a 2-3 month wave when it cleared she said the mental was gone, she had some stuff after that but it was much easier. I hope that's what I'm dealing with now. I had a lot of mental and physical with this. The pain I had last night was unlike anything I've ever had before, it was excruciating. I'm waking up most days to some variation of this now. The horrific mental stuff died down a little this week but the physical hasn't. Like you I've had windows here and there that are almost perfect, but overall it's been hell. What a way to get to 30, I've literally crawled over glass to get there tomorrow. The last month was even worse than the previous, I really hope it's peaking and I'll start to see a downward trend again. I also talked to Jen a lot lately because I've never needed so much support since the early days. She said she had a huge wave before she healed, 4 months.. and the first 2 were hell, so bad she checked herself into a psyche ward, and then it gradually left over the next 2. She felt pretty much healed after that.

[[Kl...]]

Hopefully this is what we are seeing:

 

[[...]]

Hopefully this is what we are seeing:

 

 

Fucking hopefully man...

[[NY...]]

Hopefully this is what we are seeing:

 

 

Thanks, Klungo, for the vid.  I know you've sent me this before, but I had forgotten about it, of course. Sorry you and others here are still surfing the wave of misery. Mine broke a few days ago, but nope, this is not over for me yet.  I don't really feel a big jump in my baseline either, but I'm feeling much better overall, as has been the trend when I'm out of waves - minimal to no DP/DR, depression (mostly) gone, feeling quite grounded/calm for the most part. I have an urge again to reach out to people, so went to visit some old friends and their kiddos for the weekend.  Felt pretty good, didn't think of withdrawal stuff too much.  To them, I seemed "back to myself", engaged, healthy, healed.  BUT -- anxiety symptoms buzz beneath the surface, ready to pounce.  Also, songs loop, belly bloats.  Ears plug.  Memory lapses, fatigue unexpectedly sets in... all that stuff that reminds me this isn't over yet. But I do feel the same positivity and hope I felt in December before the monster 11-week wave of torture.  Maybe I will never travel again to the depths of hell the last wave brought me to again.  I hope not.  We're all going to get to the end someday, and likely soon(ish).  Hang on buddies.

 

NG, it sounds like you're having a similar pattern of feeling decent, then hit with these longer brutal waves. It's the way it rolls for many of us, unfortunately. I'm always here if you need to talk, vent, anything.  Oh, and I played basketball as a kid, quit around 10th grade.  To be honest, I never really enjoyed competitive sports, but was expected to play sports for some reason.  I did always enjoy the more solitary sports though, like long distance running.

 

Best to all,

WR

[[Ne...]]

WR, Omg I can’t play b-ball at all,  :laugh:but enjoy watching the college playoffs. I’m a diehard VU fan.

Really feeling crappy these last few days. Only sleeping about 4 hours/night. And when that happens,

the anxiety and crying really cranks up. I need a window to open up soon.

Thanks for always posting such positive notes. I hope I can do that soon for others coming behind me.

I just can’t seem to see beyond this right now to when I’ll have energy and dare I say “we’ll”

Hugs

NG

[[NY...]]

WR, Omg I can’t play b-ball at all,  :laugh:but enjoy watching the college playoffs. I’m a diehard VU fan.

Really feeling crappy these last few days. Only sleeping about 4 hours/night. And when that happens,

the anxiety and crying really cranks up. I need a window to open up soon.

Thanks for always posting such positive notes. I hope I can do that soon for others coming behind me.

I just can’t seem to see beyond this right now to when I’ll have energy and dare I say “we’ll”

Hugs

NG

 

Sorry it's been rough, dear NG.  This is likely the hardest thing we'll ever have to endure... we just need to push and endure a bit longer.  Biggest hugs, WR

[[lo...]]

hey all again....after a bunch of really shitty days, having good days again overall. anxiety present - but way more manageable. I feel a bit of like just about finishing a long marathon - exhausted, but excited. the feeling of excitement is a strange mix where it feels like it could transition into anxiety at any moment. mid-day is the worst, but end of day feels relaxed and good.

interviewing for a new job, which is exciting too.....and is adding to stress.

I am wondering if the big healing moment we all are waiting for - will never really happen. what will happen, is a transitioning to normal life, with all its stresses and good times - and no benzo waves ofc. at which point we will have to manage life on its own.

 

[[Ho...]]

Good news Locutus. A switch for the better. I had a job apply today, went not too bad. My current pattern is during the day 60-90% and get hit extremely hard in the evening. Than I am down to 20%, so waves are still strong and cycle from hour to hour. Hopefully the window becomes wider, hard to predict. How are your windows look like guys? Days without symptoms with low degree of anxiety? Today I felt a couple of hour quiet normal.