18-30 MONTHS AND UPWARDS

[[Kl...]]

Back in a terrible wave for last 2+ days.. Acute like, almost entire days.. Felt extremely scared and desperate this morning. Woke to intense anxiety / buzzing / fear / depression.. I didn't know what to do with myself I was in a bad way

 

Hope you are all doing ok

 

 

[[So...]]

Your going to pull through this.  You are a warrior Klungo.  Hopefully very soon all this suffering will be a thing of the past.  Keep the faith my friend.

[[lo...]]

Klungo, thats sort of a wave I am in since 1 month at least. like my brain entered a new state or something.

some days feel like a all day panic attack - awful. it does feel different then acute though. not as 'deep'. but still awful

when it lifts - I feel quiet to old myself - memory, cognition, energy - everything way up from first year off. but I am extremely sensitive to EVERYTHING and very fragile. I wake up FINE. 1h passes - anxiety hits, then fine again....

I also started a herbal and supplement regime couple weeks ago. I am leaving that ship 'don't touch anything gaba'. it helps a LOT. and i feel like I am stabilising slowly and feeling better.

 

 

Back in a terrible wave for last 2+ days.. Acute like, almost entire days.. Felt extremely scared and desperate this morning. Woke to intense anxiety / buzzing / fear / depression.. I didn't know what to do with myself I was in a bad way

 

Hope you are all doing ok

[[lo...]]

30 months off:

Still severe benzobelly

Jelly legs

Muscle atrophy

Strange right foot pain in bottom of foot

Back pain and neckpain

Jaw tightness

Difficult walking

Extreme cold foot

 

Its all kinda constant those 30 months its better than the first year off but i dont have the windows and waves its all more constant.

I really lost all hope but really al hope .....i think i will not heal

 

[[lo...]]

you know that your thoughts oftentimes define reality. 'I will not heal' can very well mean you will suffer prolonged time.

 

 

30 months off:

Still severe benzobelly

Jelly legs

Muscle atrophy

Strange right foot pain in bottom of foot

Back pain and neckpain

Jaw tightness

Difficult walking

Extreme cold foot

 

Its all kinda constant those 30 months its better than the first year off but i dont have the windows and waves its all more constant.

I really lost all hope but really al hope .....i think i will not heal

[[lo...]]

??  Please give me meaning full , helpfull reactions........

[[lo...]]

you need to change your mindset 'I will not heal'. and in all honesty, we all are guilty of having this thoughts sometimes, which is understandable when this shit drags for months.

sometimes help needs to be brought in from outside BB or the medical system(as most here learned barely any help). maybe a good ND, maybe some counseling, maybe CBT....

 

??  Please give me meaning full , helpfull reactions........

[[ho...]]

This is a good thread.  In two weeks I will be 18 months off!  Things have definitely improved, just a few months ago I was completely non- functional, unable to drive, leave the house alone (still hard but do-able) or socialise on any level.  Now I am able to drive and I can manage to be around people without completely freaking out, I still find social interaction overstimulating and get no real pleasure from it but it is far more bearable.

 

The main symptoms I still have are nerve pain, akathesia (much better), tinnitus, anhedonia and emotional anasthesia (severe), head pain and pressure, cognitive fog (this was so bad I thought there was no coming back, I'm getting there), tooth pain and irritability.

 

Do others find in ways that the second year is harder? I am so grateful my symptoms have eased and some have even gone but as the times gone on it feels more of a battle.  I guess I was in survival mode before simply trying to get through the minutes, now I feel more connected to reality and have better cognition I can see that life is passing me by and have awareness of what I'm missing.  This is a ridiculously long process but we will all make it to destination healed.

[[NY...]]

Sorry I'm not replying to everyone individually.  Just wanted to say hello, let you guys know you aren't alone.  I understand the frustration, and fear, about this seemingly never ending sh*tshow. 

 

I'm still in a horrible wave, day 24.  I haven't had one like this since month 22. Sleep is still good for the past two weeks or so, and that certainly helps me to cope.  Just getting through the hours though, waiting for relief.

 

Thinking of you all.

WR

[[lo...]]

it is interesting to see how many people still have bad waves in this group. and I thought I'm solo.

I had a really bad (although it decreased by a lot as of now) wave for 1 month at least. just started one morning out of nowhere. had bunch of panic attacks, this stuff which disables you completely. really awful. I did not had since like month 8 or so.

 

Sorry I'm not replying to everyone individually.  Just wanted to say hello, let you guys know you aren't alone.  I understand the frustration, and fear, about this seemingly never ending sh*tshow. 

 

I'm still in a horrible wave, day 24.  I haven't had one like this since month 22. Sleep is still good for the past two weeks or so, and that certainly helps me to cope.  Just getting through the hours though, waiting for relief.

 

Thinking of you all.

WR

[[An...]]

I'm all for having a 18 month plus discussion. I'm only 1 year since using at at all but I quit daily use over 3 years ago and have made a couple slip ups since. Feels kinda isolating or like out of the ordinary to me because I don't see anyone really talk about struggling to not fall back into it after a year.

[[Kl...]]

This past week was horrific honestly, acute like waves every day. I had a break Thursday only to have it even worse Friday, was so bad. I woke up today in a much better state at least, even got 8 hours of sleep which never happens.

 

It's hard to have such horrible stuff so far out, you think what the hell is going on. Inching closer to the 30 month mark though.

 

Keep going!

 

[[Gr...]]

I'll be two years off in two days. My waves usually involve tinnitus like right now. My ears started zapping yesterday and kept getting worse and made me wake up every hours all night. In a bad wave they usually last about 40 hours, then abruptly vanish overnight. I hae no idea what triggers them.

Many of my symptoms from one year ago I still have so I lean toward believing it's just the way I am now.

 

I can function normally in many ways, but my system is still more sensitive to stress than it was pre benzos. I really hope the third year is more tranquil so I can heal some more.

[[NY...]]

Sorry to hear other buddies are wavy here also.  Yes Klungo - keep going!!  I had a brief window this morning (my first in 27 days), that reminded me to trust in the process.  These awful symptoms are what healing feels like, unfortunately.  Hang in there buddies.  WR

[[Kl...]]

I'm back to

Sorry to hear other buddies are wavy here also.  Yes Klungo - keep going!!  I had a brief window this morning (my first in 27 days), that reminded me to trust in the process.  These awful symptoms are what healing feels like, unfortunately.  Hang in there buddies.  WR

 

Back to feeling like crap this afternoon, this entire week every day has been about the same. It's been a long time where I had consistently this rough and with same stuff every day. Fatigue / crappy feeling.. just yucky.. can't do much of anything. Somehow I worked through all of last week. Day 6 now, hopefully this wave is going to leave soon. I think it's the worst week I've had since 21 months actually

[[NY...]]

I'm back to

Sorry to hear other buddies are wavy here also.  Yes Klungo - keep going!!  I had a brief window this morning (my first in 27 days), that reminded me to trust in the process.  These awful symptoms are what healing feels like, unfortunately.  Hang in there buddies.  WR

 

Back to feeling like crap this afternoon, this entire week every day has been about the same. It's been a long time where I had consistently this rough and with same stuff every day. Fatigue / crappy feeling.. just yucky.. can't do much of anything. Somehow I worked through all of last week. Day 6 now, hopefully this wave is going to leave soon. I think it's the worst week I've had since 21 months actually

 

Ugh, sorry to hear that, Klungo.  Same boat here -- month 22 was the last time it got this bad.  I'm so impressed you've continued to work throughout.  I imagine it's incredibly hard, but on the flip side, good for distraction (and of course $). 

 

I've experienced a return of most of the symptoms I've experienced over the last four years during this wave. It's been brutal, but a reminder of how far I've come, how much my suffering has decreased over the months, years... 

 

Sending strength to you all.

 

WR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[lo...]]

Klungo: same here. what a coincidence. yesterday was a battle. usually Friday is. end of work-week for me. i'm just overloaded.

could not sleep had intrusive thought just before sleep + panic. was that fucking awful.

took some beta blocker and antihistamine and slept finally well.

today I woke up, and so far, despite anxiety its ok. but background wave always there, just different levels.

here is something positive: despite this wave, I noticed that I regained my cognition big time. also brief moments of feeling good - I feel like my old-self just better.

it seems that I do a fine line of wave/anxiety and normality.  that is big difference from acute, where it was all deep misery.

hoping that it is the end for real, but I feel that getting out of this will take some time, and I will fade from a wave into normality slowly.

[[Be...]]

Im still dealing with sleep issues and other cognitive symptoms at times....sometimes my mind will go blank and cant remember and other times I cant focus at work or concentrate. Mornings are still the worst when it comes to wd.

[[lo...]]

similar here. it cycles all the time however. yesterday morning was good, afternoon bad, evening good

today morning was fine, then around 9am things are awful

it gets worse when I try to work, but not always.

I also broke my keto/paelo diet yesterday and today paying the price. seems like little things will set me off.

I do have moments of feeling good in all of this, but when its awful, its awful....

 

I'm back to

Sorry to hear other buddies are wavy here also.  Yes Klungo - keep going!!  I had a brief window this morning (my first in 27 days), that reminded me to trust in the process.  These awful symptoms are what healing feels like, unfortunately.  Hang in there buddies.  WR

 

Back to feeling like crap this afternoon, this entire week every day has been about the same. It's been a long time where I had consistently this rough and with same stuff every day. Fatigue / crappy feeling.. just yucky.. can't do much of anything. Somehow I worked through all of last week. Day 6 now, hopefully this wave is going to leave soon. I think it's the worst week I've had since 21 months actually

[[...]]

Hi guys!

 

I just wanted to drop in to say I'm thinking of you all, fellow 18 months + warriors. You have my utmost respect for going through this, and I'm delighted to read about all the healing that HAS happened, undeniably HAS. I know you are all still struggling otherwise you wouldn't be here, but most of you have seen improvement since the earlier days and know what needs to be done until... until there is no need to do anything anymore. Some of us go through a long protracted time here, and the waves and windows pattern of healing is probably maddening... but no matter what, this is all temporary. Your future healed self awaits you, perhaps in a few months' time, perhaps more... what matters is that you have faith.

 

I am 20 months off today, off my chemical 'straight jacket' and still in what feels like a 20 month-long wave... I know it gets better... but you know how hard it is, going through this with hardly any sign of healing so far. I'm off all meds, I don't drink alcohol, don't take supplements or anything which could hinder my healing, I guess I'm of the unlucky ones, here for the long haul... but at least I'm here, off brain poisons and in recovery... that in itself is nothing short of a miracle. But I'm ready for the next step... oh so ready.

 

Thank you all for sharing your light while I'm still in the dark, thank you for holding my hand through this...

Thank you dear BB Friends!

 

Warm healing hugs 

Julz xx

 

Edit: typos

[[NY...]]

Thanks for the uplifting post, Julia.  You're so generous and kind,  even through the suffering. 

 

Not having windows seems to be the path of healing for many.  I'm thrilled to read of Sofa's recent release from the straight jacket of fear.  Hoping that gives you and other windowless buddies hope.

 

Thanks for the positivity you lend to so many on this board.

 

Love and much respect,

WR

[[...]]

Thanks for the uplifting post, Julia.  You're so generous and kind,  even through the suffering. 

 

Not having windows seems to be the path of healing for many.  I'm thrilled to read of Sofa's recent release from the straight jacket of fear.  Hoping that gives you and other windowless buddies hope.

 

Thanks for the positivity you lend to so many on this board.

 

Love and much respect,

WR

 

:smitten:

[[br...]]

 

Julz and my fellow time warp buddies,  this I know to be true :' Every day in every way we are getting better and better' . This little gem of a mantra became popular back in the late twenties . I like it because for us it is the literal truth . At the very happy state of being 80/90% healed I am in the state of almost childhood wonder of being reborn . To put it simply I feel at least ten years younger, and the past three years of tolerance and withdrawal are becoming a distant and mildly unpleasant memory.

 

So as I and others wiser than I have said before ' We all heal ' . Eventually the wonderful outcome of all of our hard work arrives . Until it does we hang in and we fight for what is rightfully ours , and that is a happy , healthy and productive life.

 

[[Ry...]]

 

Julz and my fellow time warp buddies,  this I know to be true :' Every day in every way we are getting better and better' . This little gem of a mantra became popular back in the late twenties . I like it because for us it is the literal truth . At the very happy state of being 80/90% healed I am in the state of almost childhood wonder of being reborn . To put it simply I feel at least ten years younger, and the past three years of tolerance and withdrawal are becoming a distant and mildly unpleasant memory.

 

So as I and others wiser than I have said before ' We all heal ' . Eventually the wonderful outcome of all of our hard work arrives . Until it does we hang in and we fight for what is rightfully ours , and that is a happy , healthy and productive life.

 

 

Happy for you Brave. You've been through a very tough couple of years and you more than deserve a break. Glad you are feeling better. We talked a while back when you jumped off the Mirt. Thank you for your insight and for keeping us updated. FYI, I've begun the slow process of dropping Mirt. currently going at 5% every two weeks. Wish me luck!

 

[[br...]]

 

Ryan . You are absolutely doing the right thing in tapering the mirt slowly . As we have discussed before mirt comes with it's own agenda. There is no free ride with any of this stuff . The good thing is that eventually we can look forward to a reasonable and natural nights sleep , when we have served our allotted time in the trenches  .

 

You are well on your way to feeling so much better . I'm proud of you .