18-30 MONTHS AND UPWARDS

[[...]]

I could really use some encouragement this evening. Today is my birthday and I spent the whole day feeling pretty depressed. I feel like I'm getting older with nothing to show for it and nothing I can do about it. I'm tired of missing out on things. I'm 33 months off and my symptoms have been extra crappy lately. I just want some hope. I've pretty much run out today.

 

 

This helped me a lot this week Chigrl. Maybe it’ll give you some hope or reprieve 👍

[[Ch...]]

Thanks, T1D. It helped a little bit. I don't really get windows...more waves within waves. It's partly the unrelentingness of it all that just has me frustrated and worn out and pretty dejected. And milestones sort of serve to remind us of what isn't working...still. Anyway, sorry. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks for taking the time.

[[...]]

Thanks, T1D. It helped a little bit. I don't really get windows...more waves within waves. It's partly the unrelentingness of it all that just has me frustrated and worn out and pretty dejected. And milestones sort of serve to remind us of what isn't working...still. Anyway, sorry. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks for taking the time.

 

I totally understand

[[So...]]

Thanks, T1D. It helped a little bit. I don't really get windows...more waves within waves. It's partly the unrelentingness of it all that just has me frustrated and worn out and pretty dejected. And milestones sort of serve to remind us of what isn't working...still. Anyway, sorry. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks for taking the time.

 

I am so sorry that you spent your birthday feeling awful, I know that feeling all too well, the last two birthday were spent crying and feeling like life is passing me by and it sucks I totally get it. However you are SO CLOSE to healing 100% honestly, but 40 months off you will be 100% I totally believe it. After speaking with Baylissa and Jennifer Leigh and a ton of benzo wise doctors they really assured me that very few people go past 40 months without healing 100%, most heal within 30-36 month maybe 40 at the latest. I totally believe that you are close to healing, you are still young honestly, you have time to do whatever you want with the rest of your life and you can make it amazing. What really helps me is to plan all of the places I am going to travel to when I am healed, I created a big book and printed out photos and I have made itineraries of all the places I want to go when I'm there.

 

When I thought I was healed last year I actually flew to New York and had the most magical time ever, and now I am planning Paris and London and my honeymoon which I never got to take thanks to benzos. We are getting better every day that we are off these meds. I believe in you and your healing, you have been so wonderful to me and encouraging to other people on the forum you are going to be so so happy when you are healed I promise. Sending you so much love

[[br...]]

 

Thank you TID for the link. This week has been tough and it really , really helped .

[[So...]]

I could use some encouragement just regarding thoughts about death and dying and gloomy thoughts, my only symptom left is health anxiety and constant literally constant negative thoughts about how I could just drop dead any second. Is this just withdrawal? I’ve never had anything like this before and even though I can do things I don’t actually get to enjoy them since my mind is in such a dark place all the time. Any words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

[[Ga...]]

I could use some encouragement just regarding thoughts about death and dying and gloomy thoughts, my only symptom left is health anxiety and constant literally constant negative thoughts about how I could just drop dead any second. Is this just withdrawal? I’ve never had anything like this before and even though I can do things I don’t actually get to enjoy them since my mind is in such a dark place all the time. Any words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

 

Hi Songbird,

 

I've had those horribly morbid, gloomy and dark thoughts about death and dying as well. I was extremely fixated on my loved ones dying around me and so much anxiety around it. I also had phases of feeling like I was going to die as well, especially if I didn't heal from this. I actually did have a seizure at the beginning of this and walked around for months scared to death of having another. It took months before I grasped the idea that I was out of the seizure window. Also, I have bouts of major fear and thoughts of being completely alone in this world with nothing but gloom and despair surrounding me for my entire life. It's extremely scary to be in a state of deep fear like that. It's like a giant cloud is over your head and you can't escape it. It has let up for me over time. I get it for short amounts of time here and there now, but never as severe. I can now usually convince myself it's just a wave and will pass. When I come out of it, it feels like something released in my body and I feel more relaxed and logical. It is freaky, like a switch was flipped. It is the medication withdrawal. I'm sure your recent experience of having your sister almost die is adding to it. This withdrawal takes normal feelings to situations and intensifies them to levels that are 1000 times worst because your CNS is hypersensitive to everything without Gaba receptors working properly to balance your reactions. Your brain is taking a scary situation and making it way worst because it can't utilize the receptors to keep you close to the normal reactions range and bring you back to equilibrium after a scare. It happens to me all the time. Your brain will find a way out of this wave. It's only temporary.

 

Gaia

[[So...]]

Thank you so much for those kind words, I really appreciate it. I am glad to know that I am not alone in these thoughts although I’m sorry you too are suffering. We have to make it out of this at some point I firmly believe that and life cam start again and we can just make the most out of the lives that we have left after this horrific experience. I am sending you so much gratitude for taking the time write such a kind and well thought out reply.

[[Ch...]]

Thanks, T1D. It helped a little bit. I don't really get windows...more waves within waves. It's partly the unrelentingness of it all that just has me frustrated and worn out and pretty dejected. And milestones sort of serve to remind us of what isn't working...still. Anyway, sorry. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks for taking the time.

 

I am so sorry that you spent your birthday feeling awful, I know that feeling all too well, the last two birthday were spent crying and feeling like life is passing me by and it sucks I totally get it. However you are SO CLOSE to healing 100% honestly, but 40 months off you will be 100% I totally believe it. After speaking with Baylissa and Jennifer Leigh and a ton of benzo wise doctors they really assured me that very few people go past 40 months without healing 100%, most heal within 30-36 month maybe 40 at the latest. I totally believe that you are close to healing, you are still young honestly, you have time to do whatever you want with the rest of your life and you can make it amazing. What really helps me is to plan all of the places I am going to travel to when I am healed, I created a big book and printed out photos and I have made itineraries of all the places I want to go when I'm there.

 

When I thought I was healed last year I actually flew to New York and had the most magical time ever, and now I am planning Paris and London and my honeymoon which I never got to take thanks to benzos. We are getting better every day that we are off these meds. I believe in you and your healing, you have been so wonderful to me and encouraging to other people on the forum you are going to be so so happy when you are healed I promise. Sending you so much love

 

Thanks, Songbird. That was really nice. ❤

 

I'm a big fan of visualization, too. It helps me to feel better imagining a better future and they say it actually helps to create that future. I hope that's true. And I hope you are right about 40 months. I'm at 33 months now and I can't help but be skeptical, as healing has been unbearably slow, especially in the last couple years, but I have hope that I'll at least be a lot more functional sometime this year. If the DP/DR would lessen (it's pretty severe), I think I could have more of a life and that would be amazing. I just want to be able to drive to see my friends...to not be so isolated. But we all want to feel normal again.

 

Anyway, I hope you get to visit all the places you dream of. I've been a bit obsessed about New York lately, myself. I've never been. Someday. I've been to Paris, briefly, to visit a friend and go to a music festival. I'd like to see more of it someday. And I lived in London for several years, so if you want travel tips, hit me up. I want to visit again so bad. I have quite a few friends there still and I miss the city and the lifestyle. Hell, I miss being a student.

 

Anyway, thanks for taking the time. It meant a lot.

 

By the way, I've had the same intrusive thoughts since I don't remember when anymore and I think it's normal. I still have them somewhat, but to a lesser degree. I can only assume they will go away. Jenn had a blog post about it:

 

https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/coping-skills/coping-with-intrusive-thoughts/

 

Hope it passes soon.

[[pi...]]

I've just hit and passed 2 years this last week. I feel so overwhelmingly lost. Wandering like im between this.....world, reality, whatever it is, and something very different. My mind feels like a torture device that is slowly breaking me, turning day in and day out. Im losing guys, im so sickened by life i dont want it. Ive never understood the minds of those who leave until now. What is the point was always a strange question to me. Now it feels like the obvious and only one. Today has been a dark dark day for me. Realizing its been this way for two years feels like i lost the game of life, like i was disqualified, so the only option is to go home. and then being tortured in my dreams by all my darkest fears and feelings so vividly, tortured by lost love and regret with fear and disgust ontop. its been too much today.

 

i dont think ill commit suicide but today for the first time ever, I feel like i truly understand the urge.

 

Sorry to be so dark but i just wanted to get some of this poison out of my mind. im on autopilot but it doesnt feel like anyones steering. im Just so lost today. 

[[br...]]

Pinky , I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time  . I understand the feelings of despair . Fighting what seems to be an endless battle is exhausting . We feel battered and everything around us  seems hopeless . However for you the reality is that you have two years of healing behind you . That is a huge amount of time  and well done you for making it this far . Hard as it is to believe you may be very close to the finish line . So hang in there with the rest of us poor suckers and together we will make it to the end .

[[So...]]

I am really struggling tonight, to ever see happiness in my future, I worry that this is my new forever, it's been two years and I worry that I was healed before and drinking just a few times is what caused my horrific setback that has now lasted over a year there is just no way to know what caused it and I obsess over what I could have done to prevent this.  I felt healed or at least 80% healed last year in January and February and then such stressful times happened, my sister almost dying and my business partner stealing money from me it just all was too much for my healing nervous system to take and here I am a year later struggling to get through each day. I am so depressed, all I want in this entire world is to be a mom, that's literally all I want and I don't see it ever happening now, I am 26 years old and my brain is so broken, every thought is scary and negative, all I can think about is death and doom and gloom.

 

It wasn't like this last year and I am just scared I am too broken to ever heal. I have had every test done and nothing is physically wrong with me so it has to be withdrawal right? I just don't know what to do, I am scared to be alone in case I have a heart attack or aneurysm or seizure or something, those thoughts and fear are literally with me 24/7 all day every day and it's this vicious loop that circles around my mind. I just want to be happy and healthy and healed and I know more psych meds won't help, that's what got me into this mess, please just give me some positive reminders that one day this will all be over and will be a distant memory, I don't feel like I can hang on much longer

[[Ho...]]

It’s crazy songbird and recognize your suffering. I wish I could do something for you other than giving you comfort. I am currently in month 25 and have seen improvement over the last months, but still get some nasty waves. The 24/7 phase don’t last forever. If I am in a neverending wave it feels the same. Are you having windows? Today I got the results back from my brain scan. As expected, nothing wrong with me. So that’s good news, so I believe I have to accept the waves as long as they last.

 

I guess I will have waves untill the end. Today I am not so bad... but good is also a big word.

 

Another day, breath in and breath out. The heavy ones will pass someday.

[[Gr...]]

I'm sorry you're still suffering, Songbird. I'm over two years out and still very sensitive, although my CNS seems to be targeting my ears. Lots of ups and downs. Are you getting any therapy for your health anxiety? At least you have the reassurance that there is nothing physically wrong found with you, the tests say no reason to expect heart attacks or seizures. It's all benzo lies coming from an overactivfe CNS. Plus, at 26 you're still so young. You could wait another couple years before having a baby and still be a young mom.

I think the best thing to do is avoid stress and anything that could overstimulate you. Meditation could help. A cardiologist told me it works on stress-induced heart symptoms and can lower your blood pressure. I've also read it's good for calming down your system and can even change your brain over time for the better. I started doing it recently and do feel better right after. I wish we could speed up this process though.

[Guest [su...]]

I am stucked in my damage brain. Dp make it feel like my ego is gone. I am.stucked with bad attitude, fear and terror. Dark thoughts and thoughts about death and dying. Will this ever pass? It is more intense in this mental wave. I dont who I am anymore.  Is this the new me? I hate her... :'(

 

It feels like the brain love bad news too...

[[pi...]]

Thanks brave rabbit. Im in if you are  . im literally just trying to make time go by at this point. My whole life has become a bad shift at a job i loathe. Im watching the suns rise and set and just focusing on time passing. But it never seems to get here, this promised land of healed people. urgh.

[[pi...]]

I am really struggling tonight, to ever see happiness in my future, I worry that this is my new forever, it's been two years and I worry that I was healed before and drinking just a few times is what caused my horrific setback that has now lasted over a year there is just no way to know what caused it and I obsess over what I could have done to prevent this.  I felt healed or at least 80% healed last year in January and February and then such stressful times happened, my sister almost dying and my business partner stealing money from me it just all was too much for my healing nervous system to take and here I am a year later struggling to get through each day. I am so depressed, all I want in this entire world is to be a mom, that's literally all I want and I don't see it ever happening now, I am 26 years old and my brain is so broken, every thought is scary and negative, all I can think about is death and doom and gloom.

 

It wasn't like this last year and I am just scared I am too broken to ever heal. I have had every test done and nothing is physically wrong with me so it has to be withdrawal right? I just don't know what to do, I am scared to be alone in case I have a heart attack or aneurysm or seizure or something, those thoughts and fear are literally with me 24/7 all day every day and it's this vicious loop that circles around my mind. I just want to be happy and healthy and healed and I know more psych meds won't help, that's what got me into this mess, please just give me some positive reminders that one day this will all be over and will be a distant memory, I don't feel like I can hang on much longer

 

Alot of us seem to be stuck in this slow burn state of never ending dark thoughts about our lives. Hopefully this is evidence of some pattern that is just the next step. The most insidious thing about the healing is that the better we get, then the more the doubt sets in about what is benzos and what is 'us', Benzos stuff isnt leaving exactly, it seems to be merging into 'me'. The contrasts between waves and windows gave me some sense of good and bad/benzos and me. Now it just all feels like a bad version of me constanty. and even then, lots of stuff comes back to haunt me like a pissed off ghost. I hate benzos

[[Ho...]]

My thoughts are going from yes I feel great I can do this job, I can go to that birthday party etc to hopeless black and negative thinking. So freaking exhausting, day in and day out. The contrast between good and bad is enormous. Do you recognize this pattern? Sometimes I ask myselve is it worser or better than year 1 and I believe that the windows are better, but the waves are much deeper. Nights are very hard lately. Always wake up with something. Tonight the “I am dying from a heart attack feeling” came back. I thought this was gone. Crazy, just crazy! The little angel on my shoulder always tells me it will pass, but still after 25 months waves can get me on my knees and the benzo beast wins. I had so much hope that after 2 years it should become less intens, unfortunately. The opposite is the sad truth... . But ok, I will make it to Sunday this week!

[Guest [su...]]

I am really struggling tonight, to ever see happiness in my future, I worry that this is my new forever, it's been two years and I worry that I was healed before and drinking just a few times is what caused my horrific setback that has now lasted over a year there is just no way to know what caused it and I obsess over what I could have done to prevent this.  I felt healed or at least 80% healed last year in January and February and then such stressful times happened, my sister almost dying and my business partner stealing money from me it just all was too much for my healing nervous system to take and here I am a year later struggling to get through each day. I am so depressed, all I want in this entire world is to be a mom, that's literally all I want and I don't see it ever happening now, I am 26 years old and my brain is so broken, every thought is scary and negative, all I can think about is death and doom and gloom.

 

It wasn't like this last year and I am just scared I am too broken to ever heal. I have had every test done and nothing is physically wrong with me so it has to be withdrawal right? I just don't know what to do, I am scared to be alone in case I have a heart attack or aneurysm or seizure or something, those thoughts and fear are literally with me 24/7 all day every day and it's this vicious loop that circles around my mind. I just want to be happy and healthy and healed and I know more psych meds won't help, that's what got me into this mess, please just give me some positive reminders that one day this will all be over and will be a distant memory, I don't feel like I can hang on much longer

 

Alot of us seem to be stuck in this slow burn state of never ending dark thoughts about our lives. Hopefully this is evidence of some pattern that is just the next step. The most insidious thing about the healing is that the better we get, then the more the doubt sets in about what is benzos and what is 'us', Benzos stuff isnt leaving exactly, it seems to be merging into 'me'. The contrasts between waves and windows gave me some sense of good and bad/benzos and me. Now it just all feels like a bad version of me constanty. and even then, lots of stuff comes back to haunt me like a pissed off ghost. I hate benzos

Hopehope you are so right!

[[So...]]

Hi all ,

 

High anxiety and obsessive racing thoughts are really disturbing after these left me about 1 year ago . So disturbing , really struggling to cope with .

 

Thanks all .

[Guest [su...]]

Hi all ,

 

High anxiety and obsessive racing thoughts are really disturbing after these left me about 1 year ago . So disturbing , really struggling to cope with .

 

Thanks all .

Is they gone now? 

[[...]]

Guys, we are ALL going to make it. Like many before us have. You've read their stories, they thought they'd be this way forever, but they slowly - or suddenly - improved. It happened. The never thought it would, and one fine day, they were able to look back on this freaking nightmare knowing it was well and truly behind. We are still in the thick of it, and withdrawal is messing with our minds, making us believe that is how we are going to be forever. But that illusion, that lie, it is withdrawal. Powerful stuff...

 

We are in this together!

 

Warm Healing Hugs to All 

Julz

[[So...]]

Hi sundanceshaman ,

No. Im still suffering from obsessive intrusive thoughts , high anxiety and insomnia after a setback by antibiotic celfixim . But symptoms are changing everyday . Physically Im bit okay . But psychological issues are persisting . Dont know when it will end . I suffered from the same symptoms from may 2017 to jan 2018 . After that all was okay . Got hit on march 2019 hard after a 5 days antibiotics course . Thanks for your concern and suport but is it possible to get these kind of waves after 1 year of calmness .

[Guest [su...]]

Guys, we are ALL going to make it. Like many before us have. You've read their stories, they thought they'd be this way forever, but they slowly - or suddenly - improved. It happened. The never thought it would, and one fine day, they were able to look back on this freaking nightmare knowing it was well and truly behind. We are still in the thick of it, and withdrawal is messing with our minds, making us believe that is how we are going to be forever. But that illusion, that lie, it is withdrawal. Powerful stuff...

 

We are in this together!

 

Warm Healing Hugs to All 

Julz

Your attitude is amazing. It effect me in a good way 😍

[[Ho...]]

Julia, you are right! Sometimes these are the only words to accept another day like this.