18-30 MONTHS AND UPWARDS

[[...]]

Yeah I sleep fine til 4am.. I wake occasionally but can sleep if I do except at 4. I stopped taking the antihistamines, maybe that's why I dont sleep as well, but I didnt like the side effects from it. I would sometimes take a bit more at 4am, sometimes it helped. Always something right?

 

It's cold here too, snowy / rainy.. another month and some warmer days will be coming hopefully.

 

Any of you get the horrible restless feeling, like in your body mostly but also your mind? I had a bit uptick of that in this last wave I'm in, along with burning feelings in my nerves.. stuff that I haven't had much of for a while. I was having calmer days..

 

Yep I'm back to getting through the days til the evening since I usually get relief then.. was hoping I was past that, but the waves don't seem to want to comply.

 

Klungo, do you mean akathisia? I have had that for 20 months now and it's still not better  it gets worse as the day progresses and evenings bring no relief whatsoever  it's become my worst symptom. Can't relax... can't focus... can't just be! Always doing something  looking for something to do, thinking what next... the present moment is just so uncomfortable!!! I truly hate this akathisia  :'(

 

Hugs to all 

[[NY...]]

I am wondering if anybody turned corner from really bad waves to healing quickly, or is this a rather slow process again. it is hard to believe this shit again after having a 1-2month window.

 

Yeah, hopefully that will be me  - still in a monster wave, day 47.  This is unusual for me, but each time I've had a long awful one like this, I've emerged form it with a much better baseline. I'll report back to you guys when it lifts.  Seems like we all have similar healing patterns here. I've been at this for for 4 years now (including taper, which sucked all the way through).  I'm so tired of it, and just hope the end is nearing for us all.  Hang in there buddies. 

[[NY...]]

RE: akasthesia.  This I had for most of taper and much of recovery, but the good news is I hardly ever get it anymore.  Maybe a couple of hours a month!  I've already (mostly) forgotten how awful and torturous it was.  Julia, hoping your lifts soon.  I know you've been tortured for years now with it :'( :'(.  Sending love and strength.  WR

[[NY...]]

Someone posted this on another thread today.  Helpful for me to read, thought I'd share with you guys. 

 

_______________________________________________

I think the most asked question in withdrawal is, “How long is this going to last?” Because of the persisting symptoms, it is inevitable that one will desperately want to know how much longer the suffering will last. So it’s near-impossible to not ask this question. One week of symptoms is a week too long.

 

If you find that thoughts of duration are preoccupying your mind, don’t be hard on yourself. Accept that it is normal to want to know. But also remind yourself that this is a question no one can answer and the more you obsess about it, the more frustrated and upset you will become. A watched pot seems never to boil. The more you focus on duration, the more you will lose patience. And patience is key to coping well.

 

So, as you navigate your way through another day of withdrawal, see if you can make peace with the process, and dig deep down for more patience. Don’t project too far ahead. For now, it is about getting through the day, trusting that tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

Trust that no matter how long this process is taking, healing is happening and you are headed for recovery. The time will come when you will be able to put this experience behind you and move on.

 

I know I say this a lot but it is oh so important.  I am just asking you to please remember that the best approach to withdrawal is to recognize that no matter how much you resist and struggle against the process, nothing will change other than that there will be a possible increase in your stress levels and resulting intensification of some symptoms. It makes sense to not resist the symptoms and to accept them as a necessary path to and part of your recovery journey.

 

You must keep reminding yourself that what is happening is normal and that like the many people before you, the symptoms will eventually disappear and you will recover. It just does not make sense to be constantly struggling against what is happening (your nervous system healing). It is unrealistic and it compounds matters, causing immense stress, which in turn can make the symptoms even more intense.

 

Accepting the presence of the symptoms doesn’t necessarily mean you are in a zen-like state, smiling happily and affirming that you are healing! It just means that you have realized there is nothing you can do but wait for the healing to be completed. And that no amount of resistance will change the fact that this is a “time” issue and that patience is key.

 

So, keep holding on… keep going… and be as accepting and as patient as you can be. One day this nightmare will be over and you will be able to move on. Keep ploughing ahead.

 

When people have recovered, they always say how content they are, how grateful they feel and how even the simplest things bring them joy. They also say that having been able to cope with withdrawal has made them profoundly appreciate how strong and courageous they are and that they can’t imagine anything in life ever having the ability to affect them as much as withdrawal did. Nothing will ever faze them. This has also been my experience.

 

I know it may be near-impossible for you to see any good coming out of your situation at this time, but one day you will feel differently. I don’t know what your gifts will be, but I do believe there will be some. I know that today, all you may be thinking about is coping with the symptoms and getting through the day, but this will change as you continue to heal. Remember, these symptoms are going to go one day, and go for good. You will be delighted that you have recovered, and you will say the same as those who made it to the other side.

 

I’ve always said I wouldn’t swap anything for the feelings of gratitude and the “preciousness” of life which I now enjoy. No matter how intense things are for you today, please trust that your time is coming. You will be able to sit back, reflect and smile gently to yourself when you think of all you have overcome and how strong you truly are.

 

While you wait, please never lose sight of the fact that everything that is happening now is leading you to recovery. All you have to do is hold on, allow the process to unfold, and take good care of yourself in the meantime. You are going to make it to the other side.

 

--Baylissa Frederick

[[...]]

Yeah I sleep fine til 4am.. I wake occasionally but can sleep if I do except at 4. I stopped taking the antihistamines, maybe that's why I dont sleep as well, but I didnt like the side effects from it. I would sometimes take a bit more at 4am, sometimes it helped. Always something right?

 

It's cold here too, snowy / rainy.. another month and some warmer days will be coming hopefully.

 

Any of you get the horrible restless feeling, like in your body mostly but also your mind? I had a bit uptick of that in this last wave I'm in, along with burning feelings in my nerves.. stuff that I haven't had much of for a while. I was having calmer days..

 

Yep I'm back to getting through the days til the evening since I usually get relief then.. was hoping I was past that, but the waves don't seem to want to comply.

 

Klungo, do you mean akathisia? I have had that for 20 months now and it's still not better  it gets worse as the day progresses and evenings bring no relief whatsoever  it's become my worst symptom. Can't relax... can't focus... can't just be! Always doing something  looking for something to do, thinking what next... the present moment is just so uncomfortable!!! I truly hate this akathisia  :'(

 

Hugs to all 

 

Great description Julz. Spot on. That’s my life. Cat sit still or just be. Like a fish, if I stop moving I die.

[[Kl...]]

Yeah I constantly try to find things to go do, get out of the house, drive around, whatever. I think technically akathisia is with pain, but mine is mostly just restless now, maybe it was both for a time.  And sometimes maybe I get it that way here and there. I have had more moments recently where i'm calm and can relax, evenings are usually fine, its just during the day. It's horrible really. I just want to sit on the couch and relax and enjoy down time and it's just so hard to do a lot of the time, even now.

[[...]]

I am wondering if anybody turned corner from really bad waves to healing quickly, or is this a rather slow process again. it is hard to believe this shit again after having a 1-2month window.

 

Yeah, hopefully that will be me  - still in a monster wave, day 47.  This is unusual for me, but each time I've had a long awful one like this, I've emerged form it with a much better baseline. I'll report back to you guys when it lifts.  Seems like we all have similar healing patterns here. I've been at this for for 4 years now (including taper, which sucked all the way through).  I'm so tired of it, and just hope the end is nearing for us all.  Hang in there buddies.

 

My dear NYCWaveRider,

 

I truly hope this will be you! It is possible  And just as Baylissa says, healing will happen as it needs to happen. It is out of our control, it is greater than anyone of us, it just HAPPENS. Because there is no stopping it. Well, we all know better than to do things which would hinder our healing like alcohol or more meds, so no, there is no stopping it 

 

I'm sorry you still have those monster waves to endure, but you know you emerge from them visibly 'more healed' every time  Healing is linear, signs of healing aren't... so yeah, every wave is like a contraction in labour, painful but takes the process further to its finish-line

 

I can understand you are so sick and tired of it all. It's been a long road for you too. I believe life on meds was definitely not easy, then you had to taper, and then go through 30 months of post-wd, that is a lot for one Human Being...  :'( but you are emerging stronger and will access to such a richer life than anything you were able to experience since being put on meds! All this enabling you to appreciate life more than you ever did. At 30 months, you are now undoubtedly getting closer and closer, it is exciting. I can't wait to read about your life as you come to be healed! You deserve it all, NYCWR, it is your time 

 

And now let this wave break 

 

Thank you for your support and kind words through all of this, it means so much as you know...!

 

Warm Healing Hugs 

Julia xx

[[...]]

Yeah I sleep fine til 4am.. I wake occasionally but can sleep if I do except at 4. I stopped taking the antihistamines, maybe that's why I dont sleep as well, but I didnt like the side effects from it. I would sometimes take a bit more at 4am, sometimes it helped. Always something right?

 

It's cold here too, snowy / rainy.. another month and some warmer days will be coming hopefully.

 

Any of you get the horrible restless feeling, like in your body mostly but also your mind? I had a bit uptick of that in this last wave I'm in, along with burning feelings in my nerves.. stuff that I haven't had much of for a while. I was having calmer days..

 

Yep I'm back to getting through the days til the evening since I usually get relief then.. was hoping I was past that, but the waves don't seem to want to comply.

 

Klungo, do you mean akathisia? I have had that for 20 months now and it's still not better  it gets worse as the day progresses and evenings bring no relief whatsoever  it's become my worst symptom. Can't relax... can't focus... can't just be! Always doing something  looking for something to do, thinking what next... the present moment is just so uncomfortable!!! I truly hate this akathisia  :'(

 

Hugs to all 

 

Great description Julz. Spot on. That’s my life. Cat sit still or just be. Like a fish, if I stop moving I die.

 

Hey T1D!

 

I'm so sorry you can relate with any of that torture  :'( YES exactly, if I stop, I die!!! I can't envisage 'not doing anything' because the torture is too great. It is truly awful. But you know what? This shit has got to end, we are healing and akathisia, like everyone of those terrible symptoms, will eventually subside or even lift one day never to return. It is temporary.

 

I recently re-read Indigo's Success Story, the guy suffered bad akathisia on meds (kindled/reinstated) then off as he went into protracted for the first two years, he talks about the inability to sit and be busy, but finding a distraction in interacting with people. Very similar to what I'm going through, perhaps you too will find aspects you can relate to. And read about his healing 

 

Another thing I wanted to share with you was Baylissa's post on 'withdrawal thoughts', I think there are a few of us around our timeline which struggle with 'irrational'/distorted/intrusive/looping/OCD tortuous stuff... nothing uncommon there either.

https://baylissa.com/thoughts/

 

Hey, we're coming to the last trimester of year 2. Surely all that healing will have to start amounting to something soon. Hang in there, keep swimming, dear Friend, it's going to be ok, in fact it is going to be awesome someday, and that day is coming closer and closer with every step, with every breast-stroke 

 

Healing Hugs!

Julia

[[...]]

Yeah I constantly try to find things to go do, get out of the house, drive around, whatever. I think technically akathisia is with pain, but mine is mostly just restless now, maybe it was both for a time.  And sometimes maybe I get it that way here and there. I have had more moments recently where i'm calm and can relax, evenings are usually fine, its just during the day. It's horrible really. I just want to sit on the couch and relax and enjoy down time and it's just so hard to do a lot of the time, even now.

 

Hey Klungo!

 

Well, whatever you might want to call that, it sounds tortuous enough. Pain or no pain, fear or no fear... restlessness/agitation, the inability to focus or sit comfortably is inhumane torture. I'm sorry you have to go through this every single day, but it is good that you have seen some improvement and that you do get relief when the day comes to an end, at least you can look forward to that... even though I know it must be hellishly tough to think about beginning another day with those long hours of agitation.

 

I can't envisage my life without having to cope through aka, I have forgotten what it feels like to not have to do do do from 4 or 5pm onwards. What if there is something I wanted to do which took place in the afternoon meaning I got home at 6pm?... It is beyond limits for now. It may not sound like torture when I put it in such words, but believe me... it is truly awful. So yeah, when this all changes...!!! What a huge RELIEF this will all be. It will feel like being set free... if if I have a LOT more healing to do, including all the mental crap, numbness... but less akathisia? I can't wait...!

 

Hang in there, Klungo. I know timeframes don't mean much in benzo wd, but at 30 months you have some serious healing under your belt. You've gone through the worst, and obviously the most of the journey. Now it needs to unfold... and that's what will happen next  I'll be reading your Success Story soon 

 

Healing hugs! 

Julia

[[NY...]]

I am wondering if anybody turned corner from really bad waves to healing quickly, or is this a rather slow process again. it is hard to believe this shit again after having a 1-2month window.

 

Yeah, hopefully that will be me  - still in a monster wave, day 47.  This is unusual for me, but each time I've had a long awful one like this, I've emerged form it with a much better baseline. I'll report back to you guys when it lifts.  Seems like we all have similar healing patterns here. I've been at this for for 4 years now (including taper, which sucked all the way through).  I'm so tired of it, and just hope the end is nearing for us all.  Hang in there buddies.

 

My dear NYCWaveRider,

 

I truly hope this will be you! It is possible  And just as Baylissa says, healing will happen as it needs to happen. It is out of our control, it is greater than anyone of us, it just HAPPENS. Because there is no stopping it. Well, we all know better than to do things which would hinder our healing like alcohol or more meds, so no, there is no stopping it 

 

I'm sorry you still have those monster waves to endure, but you know you emerge from them visibly 'more healed' every time  Healing is linear, signs of healing aren't... so yeah, every wave is like a contraction in labour, painful but takes the process further to its finish-line

 

I can understand you are so sick and tired of it all. It's been a long road for you too. I believe life on meds was definitely not easy, then you had to taper, and then go through 30 months of post-wd, that is a lot for one Human Being...  :'( but you are emerging stronger and will access to such a richer life than anything you were able to experience since being put on meds! All this enabling you to appreciate life more than you ever did. At 30 months, you are now undoubtedly getting closer and closer, it is exciting. I can't wait to read about your life as you come to be healed! You deserve it all, NYCWR, it is your time 

 

And now let this wave break 

 

Thank you for your support and kind words through all of this, it means so much as you know...!

 

Warm Healing Hugs 

Julia xx

 

Thanks for the loving and encouraging note, Julia  :smitten:

 

Yes, I've been wrestling with these meds messing up my brain for far too too long now (19 years?!).  Can't wait until I'm finally able to have my true mind back.  This wave has been mental torture - dp/dr, intrusive thoughts, beating myself up endlessly for past mistakes, mistrust in my family and loved ones, OCD, depression, anxiety, that feeling that everything - my home, my body, my city - are all dirty, decaying, etc.  It takes all of my self control not to act on it, by obsessively cleaning, attempting "repair" to all that seems broken, etc.  This goes for me/my body also - I'm a control freak by nature, so when I'm feeling poisoned like this, I go a bit off the deep end in terms of "healthy" eating, living, etc.  Anyhoo, that's enough about this hell.  It will cease when this wave lifts, and hopefully it's one of my final huge ones.  I know I'm at peace beneath of all of this - why the windows are so important to me.  I may forget how well I felt, but I at least know what's true/real.

 

Oh, and I chuckled at your birthing analogy, b/c read a post I wrote nearing the end of my taper, at .30mg.  I had been through my truly worst wave, where I was skin and bones and completely sick and delusional.  I popped out of it to a HUGE jump in my baseline, and I swore I'd walk off and all would be well.  I told my buddies at klonopin club that it was like I'd been giving birth and "the head is now out", so the rest will be easy/peasy.  Ha ha, if only

 

Hang in there dear Julia.  Hope you find some peace today.

 

Love and hugs,

WR

[[Kl...]]

Yeah I constantly try to find things to go do, get out of the house, drive around, whatever. I think technically akathisia is with pain, but mine is mostly just restless now, maybe it was both for a time.  And sometimes maybe I get it that way here and there. I have had more moments recently where i'm calm and can relax, evenings are usually fine, its just during the day. It's horrible really. I just want to sit on the couch and relax and enjoy down time and it's just so hard to do a lot of the time, even now.

 

Hey Klungo!

 

Well, whatever you might want to call that, it sounds tortuous enough. Pain or no pain, fear or no fear... restlessness/agitation, the inability to focus or sit comfortably is inhumane torture. I'm sorry you have to go through this every single day, but it is good that you have seen some improvement and that you do get relief when the day comes to an end, at least you can look forward to that... even though I know it must be hellishly tough to think about beginning another day with those long hours of agitation.

 

I can't envisage my life without having to cope through aka, I have forgotten what it feels like to not have to do do do from 4 or 5pm onwards. What if there is something I wanted to do which took place in the afternoon meaning I got home at 6pm?... It is beyond limits for now. It may not sound like torture when I put it in such words, but believe me... it is truly awful. So yeah, when this all changes...!!! What a huge RELIEF this will all be. It will feel like being set free... if if I have a LOT more healing to do, including all the mental crap, numbness... but less akathisia? I can't wait...!

 

Hang in there, Klungo. I know timeframes don't mean much in benzo wd, but at 30 months you have some serious healing under your belt. You've gone through the worst, and obviously the most of the journey. Now it needs to unfold... and that's what will happen next  I'll be reading your Success Story soon 

 

Healing hugs! 

Julia

 

Thanks Julz, I woke at 4am again today after just 3.5 hours sleep to intense anxiety or agitation in my body, I wanted to explode. This last month and especially this last week has been absolute hell.  Struggling to stay positive right now, hard to believe how hard things have gotten again.

[[NY...]]

Yeah I constantly try to find things to go do, get out of the house, drive around, whatever. I think technically akathisia is with pain, but mine is mostly just restless now, maybe it was both for a time.  And sometimes maybe I get it that way here and there. I have had more moments recently where i'm calm and can relax, evenings are usually fine, its just during the day. It's horrible really. I just want to sit on the couch and relax and enjoy down time and it's just so hard to do a lot of the time, even now.

 

Hey Klungo!

 

Well, whatever you might want to call that, it sounds tortuous enough. Pain or no pain, fear or no fear... restlessness/agitation, the inability to focus or sit comfortably is inhumane torture. I'm sorry you have to go through this every single day, but it is good that you have seen some improvement and that you do get relief when the day comes to an end, at least you can look forward to that... even though I know it must be hellishly tough to think about beginning another day with those long hours of agitation.

 

I can't envisage my life without having to cope through aka, I have forgotten what it feels like to not have to do do do from 4 or 5pm onwards. What if there is something I wanted to do which took place in the afternoon meaning I got home at 6pm?... It is beyond limits for now. It may not sound like torture when I put it in such words, but believe me... it is truly awful. So yeah, when this all changes...!!! What a huge RELIEF this will all be. It will feel like being set free... if if I have a LOT more healing to do, including all the mental crap, numbness... but less akathisia? I can't wait...!

 

Hang in there, Klungo. I know timeframes don't mean much in benzo wd, but at 30 months you have some serious healing under your belt. You've gone through the worst, and obviously the most of the journey. Now it needs to unfold... and that's what will happen next  I'll be reading your Success Story soon 

 

Healing hugs! 

Julia

 

Thanks Julz, I woke at 4am again today after just 3.5 hours sleep to intense anxiety or agitation in my body, I wanted to explode. This last month and especially this last week has been absolute hell.  Struggling to stay positive right now, hard to believe how hard things have gotten again.

 

Sorry to hear this, Klungo.  I hope you were able to take some time off work to ride it out.  Thinking of you. WR

[[lo...]]

Klungo: despite taking 30mg hydroxyzine I woke up at 2.30am as well, but was able get back to sleep (full of dreams)

I get it. I still experiment with certain herbs/supplements, they help tiny bit, but are not a solution. I truly think the way we feel is the brain rebuilding itself.

 

[[da...]]

NYC Waverider -

 

Thanks for making me smile today!  I can relate to everything you were saying! If only I could "fix" everything that was broken in this sordid muck and mire! The time is coming though when we do finally pop out on the other side! That keeps me going!

 

And yes the windows keep me sane. I can't remember them either but I know who and what I am beneath all this crap!

 

Thinking of you all and hoping and praying for better days!!     

[[NY...]]

NYC Waverider -

 

Thanks for making me smile today!  I can relate to everything you were saying! If only I could "fix" everything that was broken in this sordid muck and mire! The time is coming though when we do finally pop out on the other side! That keeps me going!

 

And yes the windows keep me sane. I can't remember them either but I know who and what I am beneath all this crap!

 

Thinking of you all and hoping and praying for better days!!   

Hi Dash,

 

Thanks so much for the well wishes.

 

Sorry you're able to relate, but I understand how comforting that can be.  Sometimes this experience is so difficult to describe, or taking the time to do so feels wasteful, unimportant, etc. I do my best to just ride it out and distract, but this last monster wave has tested my strength.  I think it may be easing a bit, fingers crossed.  I read your intro, and it sounds like we share some symptoms, including the memory and cognitive issues.  My memory is improving, but it's still startling at times how bad it can be (like amnesia).  This is the symptom that frightens my husband the most, but honestly, it's the least of my worries atm.

 

Hope you're getting a  break today, enjoying a nice window.

 

WR

 

 

[[pu...]]

there are two success stories in the success forum area

 

one is just over 3 years and they healed. one is 5 years and they healed.

 

check em out.

 

they are both very encouraging.

 

i'm closer to 3 years and still not there. i don't mind waiting 2 more years just as long as it does happen!

 

 

benzo's completely stole my 30's. i'm 37. it ruined my career, chance to tour the world, and who knows, probably my chance to get married and have kids but hey... this opens up new doors for new possibilities. no ball and chains!!!  lol

 

i'm living my healthiest life style ever so at least by the time i'm 40 i'll be doing pretty good! lol

 

 

[[NY...]]

there are two success stories in the success forum area

 

one is just over 3 years and they healed. one is 5 years and they healed.

 

check em out.

 

they are both very encouraging.

 

i'm closer to 3 years and still not there. i don't mind waiting 2 more years just as long as it does happen!

 

 

benzo's completely stole my 30's. i'm 37. it ruined my career, chance to tour the world, and who knows, probably my chance to get married and have kids but hey... this opens up new doors for new possibilities. no ball and chains!!!  lol

 

i'm living my healthiest life style ever so at least by the time i'm 40 i'll be doing pretty good! lol

 

 

 

Thanks, PTF.  I'll check the SS out.  You and I are off the same amount of time it seems (July 2016). 

 

I hear you on all of the losses due to meds.  I've also lost out on a lot after being drugged in my mid-20s (now 44 years young  ).  It's part of my healing, coming to terms with 'what could have been', and living as best I can in the present (with gratitude).

 

We'll emerge from this stronger, wiser, more insightful and compassionate versions of ourselves.  Our time is coming soon.

 

And I agree, if it takes five years, so be it. I truly just want to heal enough where I can return to work.  With the cognitive and other mental issues, it's just not possible quite yet.

 

[[bu...]]

Wow. I'm glad I found this thread!! I  I'm normally posting on the “which phases are you in” thread. I am currently at 22 months into my recovery and I am experiencing a very major setback.

 

I began coughing, a dry upper chest cough and lower throat. My chest was so tight front and back. No other symptoms no fever like flu or anything. A few days went by and I thought I was doing better the cough had subsided. I was doing some errands with my husband but by that evening the cough  returned with a vengeance. I sat with it for a week and it didn't get better. In fact, I began to develop stinging nerve pain, back tightness between my shoulder blades, periodic crying spells, and insomnia for days. Finally called Dr And she ran a bunch of tests.  No  Pneumonia, no legionnaires, no mold . Thank goodness.

 

The cough has finally subsided but comes back occasionally. I'm left with a mess of symptoms that I haven't experienced in quite some time during my recovery. As the cough subsided I am left with  extreme chest tightness, muscle weakness, nerve pain and anxiety. The anxiety was so bad, It hung with me almost all day for a couple of days and prevented me from sleeping. But now it is more periodic. So it seems to be gradually unwinding. I finally started sleeping again now getting about 5 hours but wake up with massive anxiety. Breathing tips allow me to rest but not fall back asleep. I feel very fatigued. I am eating all my meals squarely though. I eat a clean diet too.

 

The last couple of days have been really hard.  It seems that any strenuous activity even just going up and down the stairs or just taking a shower sets me back. I get tight chest and cough comes back although not as intense, crying spells, nerve pain. I feel so over sensitized again especially with that part in my back between my shoulder blades and the nerve pain.  My parasympathetic nervous system Is wretched. I can barely move for fear of any activity setting me off.  I am trying to do slow stretches.  My husband massaged my back yesterday and I had a horrible rebound after that with more crying and more looping thoughts of never getting better, not being able to much again.

 

I have a lot of looping thoughts about how I’m feeling. Very symptom focused again. Feeling a lot of guilt because I’ve had to cancel so many activities these past couple of weeks. More events are coming and I need to be realistic that I won’t be able to participate. More guilt though. I’ve got logic in my brain but it does doesn't want to stick.

 

 

I need a lot of distraction again. But I also need to find a way to disconnect my thought processes from how I’m feeling. I am resisting rather than flowing most of the time. I am fearing more now than I ever have. I fear the symptoms when they come on!!

 

I will be going to stay with my parents for a week and hopefully it will allow enough distraction.

 

This is just such a horrible experience.  I have to wonder if it's really hard right now because I was doing and functioning much better up to this point .  It's like my body is kindling to withdrawal.

 

Butterfly65

 

[[Vi...]]

Hello to all of you!

I’m 33 months off benzo and 12 months off emeron. No more medication. 3 months out projesterone hormones.

Suffering greatly and many times is feels I have a permanent damaged in my brain. I never had a window,  only partial window for few hrs here and there.

My symptoms

Severe burning squeezing head scalp, head pressure,  (24/7)

Tinnitus 24/7

Bad anxiety (worst after4 pm)

Depression (afternoon)

Mental and body Akathesia (24/7) worst afternoons; evening

Body pain,  thingling, electricity feeling, numbness

Zero energy

Fair

Intrusive thoughts nonstop

Not able to work, very low functioning

But I would not give up hope! Until I’m here I will fight until my last breath.

This board give me so much hope. I could not read it trough but I saw few fellow warriors they get better after 3 years. I will too! I have to belive otherwise I would end right now.

Thank you for keeping this post a life. I will come here more often to read when I can.

Sending my love to you all

Vica

 

 

[[da...]]

NYC Waverider -

 

Thanks for making me smile today!  I can relate to everything you were saying! If only I could "fix" everything that was broken in this sordid muck and mire! The time is coming though when we do finally pop out on the other side! That keeps me going!

 

And yes the windows keep me sane. I can't remember them either but I know who and what I am beneath all this crap!

 

Thinking of you all and hoping and praying for better days!!   

Hi Dash,

 

Thanks so much for the well wishes.

 

Sorry you're able to relate, but I understand how comforting that can be.  Sometimes this experience is so difficult to describe, or taking the time to do so feels wasteful, unimportant, etc. I do my best to just ride it out and distract, but this last monster wave has tested my strength.  I think it may be easing a bit, fingers crossed.  I read your intro, and it sounds like we share some symptoms, including the memory and cognitive issues.  My memory is improving, but it's still startling at times how bad it can be (like amnesia).  This is the symptom that frightens my husband the most, but honestly, it's the least of my worries atm.

 

Hope you're getting a  break today, enjoying a nice window.

 

WR

 

Thanks WR,

 

Yes the cognitive and memory issues are still frightening to me but I am comforted to know that other people still have them. I hate that it's part of this whole mess but it is. In windows it mostly goes away - what is there I can deal with. It gives me hope - and really I know we'll get there - everybody does. I have been assured many times that it all goes away! 

 

I am hoping your monster wave passes soon and that you have a major improvement!

 

I'm still in this wave distracting and holding on!

 

These drugs have taken so many years of our lives but we will come out on the other side better and stronger! Honestly I feel like I could write a book some days but I really don't think I have it in me. And like your reply to PTF coming to terms with all of this is a part of my healing. I do try to be grateful everyday but still somehow process the anger about all of this. How I got here etc. I hope I will have many opportunities to use this very negative experience in a positive way. 

 

Thinking of you all -

[[lo...]]

the last couple days I have been feeling better and better. Not sure what turn this will take, but I noticed, that despite broken sleep, I feel pretty good during the day!

it still varies during the day, but good is really good (and bad is somewhat bad). anxiety wave is still in the background, but not as strong, to the point for positive stuff overtakes it.

and today is friday, work-wise worst day, since I am being drained usually by EOW

 

[[da...]]

Butterfly,

I hope this is encouraging to you - from what I understand it is quite common to have a setback at 22 months out. I had one myself at about the same time out. I was devastated but found out that happens to many. There's something about symptoms increasing at certain intervals. 1 yr, 2 yrs. etc. Hang in there. As you can see many people go out further as so many here are. As you probably already know there's no way to know how long this is going to take but it ends!

Eventually it ends!

[[da...]]

Vica,

 

Sorry you're having such a hard time! At least you're off everything right now. Hopefully you will be feeling much better soon! Hang in there!

 

[[fi...]]

I'm nearly 3 1/2 years off of Klonopin, but still recovering.  I am still drastically underweight and have had digestive issues since coming off.  Going on the low FODMAP diet has helped out, however.

[[Kl...]]

Butterfly,

I hope this is encouraging to you - from what I understand it is quite common to have a setback at 22 months out. I had one myself at about the same time out. I was devastated but found out that happens to many. There's something about symptoms increasing at certain intervals. 1 yr, 2 yrs. etc. Hang in there. As you can see many people go out further as so many here are. As you probably already know there's no way to know how long this is going to take but it ends!

Eventually it ends!

 

Yes I had a monster wave 21 / 22..  it lasted 2+ months and was brutal.. I've not anything near that bad or long since. My recent bad waves have been about a week or so..