18-30 MONTHS AND UPWARDS

[[pr...]]

Hello Everyone,

I am still yet holding on and thankful for the improvement even though I am in a wave atm. Probably from over stimulation and cutting down some weeds last Wednesday with an old fashion sling blade. You youngster know nothing about the sling blade (pre weedeater and lower mower). LOL

 

PG

[[bo...]]

I'm 18 months off in a couple days. I still feel so out of it and unhappy. Honestly, I wonder if this condition truly gets better.

[[...]]

Hello Everyone,

I am still yet holding on and thankful for the improvement even though I am in a wave atm. Probably from over stimulation and cutting down some weeds last Wednesday with an old fashion sling blade. You youngster know nothing about the sling blade (pre weedeater and lower mower). LOL

 

PG

 

I know about the sling blade! I used on growing up during Louisiana summers. The kicker is that weed eaters existed!

[[...]]

I'm 18 months off in a couple days. I still feel so out of it and unhappy. Honestly, I wonder if this condition truly gets better.

 

I’m wondering too. I’m almost at 22 months. I’m not doing this for years.

[[lo...]]

it will get better guys. i will be off 3 years in november, and 1 year off gabapentin (which I don't think had that much negative influence on the whole thing).

the progress is slow. couple months ago I noticed I had increasingly more good days. more energy. but still sensitivity, and I know just my limits.

you need to gently push yourself and forgo the mindset of a benzo victim. in many ways you need to re-learn life from scratch. spend less time on BB forum.

there will be setbacks, but it is never a start from 0. good luck all

[[Po...]]

Hi friends,

 

Wanted to tap into the knowledge of the community if possible ....

 

 

I’m about 28 months benzo free. The tolerance, taper, and first 16 months benzo free were horrific (as you all are probably familiar with).

 

However, I was able to function quite well.

 

 

I’ve been in a wave the past 12 months.

 

 

My question now is about fear. In the past few months, I’ve become so fearful 24/7.  I know it is an unnatural, irrational, benzo type fear. But it’s all consuming, never ending.

 

What has been your experiences with fear? Did it lesson or go away after time? Anything you’ve found that is helpful in eliminating it?

 

 

 

12 months ago I was running my TV production company. Today I’m wondering if I’ll ever leave my house again.

 

 

Wishing you all a tremendous day going forward ....

 

 

 

Alex

 

 

 

 

[[co...]]

I'm 3 years out at this point and I still feel the "fear" most days... typically in the morning. Fear of boredom, fear of health, fear of the future, fear of not getting better, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment... I'm now however able to push through most things. I still haven't gone out into the world to re-start my career so I work from home on contract. This is disheartening as I used to love very much being around people and working with people. Now it's very isolating and isolation/boredom is a significant part of the "fear" I have. Unfortunately, I still have symptoms of fatigue, depression, headaches / pressure and so working 5 days in an office and / or travelling for work is not possible at this point... or is possible but not without a tremendous amount of stress on my already stressed out recovering brain/body.

 

So, yes it does get better but for me it's more like I have opportunities to  push through the fear whereas before I would simply stay home, go to bed, wish for death... etc...

[[Po...]]

Hi Colley,

 

Thanks for replying.

 

I’m so sick of being sick, as I’m sure you are.

 

One of the things that is so troubling - even doing all the “right” things to be healthy, is that I was functional, and seem to be getting progressively worse as time goes by.

 

 

Are you able to drive, and go where you want - the market or out for lunch? Did you ever have time where you were home bound?

 

 

Thanks again,

 

 

Alex

 

 

[[co...]]

Hi Colley,

 

Thanks for replying.

 

I’m so sick of being sick, as I’m sure you are.

 

One of the things that is so troubling - even doing all the “right” things to be healthy, is that I was functional, and seem to be getting progressively worse as time goes by.

 

 

Are you able to drive, and go where you want - the market or out for lunch? Did you ever have time where you were home bound?

 

 

Thanks again,

 

 

Alex

 

 

Yes... sick of being sick is an understatement. 

 

I'm able to drive and go where I want at this point. There was a time where I was agoraphobic and in bed / home bound for the greater part of 4 years (2 years before I quit benzos I started getting really sick physically and mentally from taking Benzos (I believe) and then being trialled on all kinds of meds which were supposed to help... unfortunately I just got worse). So basically almost 4 years at home or in bed; 2 of those years in withdrawal. So, in my 3rd year of withdrawal, the symptoms are getting less intense... but they are still there and some days are worse than others. I am mostly fighting depression, tinnitus, fatigue, and headaches on a daily basis at this point. All of the twitching and tingling have subsided but the main symptoms are still there.

 

Once everything starts settling down a little, you can start to push yourself a little more each day. It's much easier to do this when it's sunny and warm out. We are now going into winter again so my fear has jumped up a few notches from what it was.

 

Just continue doing everything as healthy as possible.... I unfortunately still have a nicotine habit so I use a nicorette spray which totally isn't good for you and I smoke a little tobacco at night with some marijuana I use for sleep. However, the latter has become more of a habit these days so I'm working on not doing that every night. Unfortunately it's the only thing I really have to look forward to but I know it's just another habit that's forming. That's what I think you have to pay attention to during all of this - the forming of bad habits. As much as you can, when you recognize you are doing something that could be harmful to your recovery, you have to check yourself immediately and make changes and / or fill the void with something that's going to make you feel good... not worse.

 

Good luck, god bless, it's a long journey for many of us... but don't put yourself in that mindframe because in my 3 years here, I've seen many people recover and get better in a much shorter amount of time.

 

 

[[Po...]]

Colley - thanks so much!

 

(I’m going to send you a PM.)

 

 

[[...]]

I'm 3 years out at this point and I still feel the "fear" most days... typically in the morning. Fear of boredom, fear of health, fear of the future, fear of not getting better, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment... I'm now however able to push through most things. I still haven't gone out into the world to re-start my career so I work from home on contract. This is disheartening as I used to love very much being around people and working with people. Now it's very isolating and isolation/boredom is a significant part of the "fear" I have. Unfortunately, I still have symptoms of fatigue, depression, headaches / pressure and so working 5 days in an office and / or travelling for work is not possible at this point... or is possible but not without a tremendous amount of stress on my already stressed out recovering brain/body.

 

So, yes it does get better but for me it's more like I have opportunities to  push through the fear whereas before I would simply stay home, go to bed, wish for death... etc...

 

I absolutely agree with you, Colley. When symptoms are too strong, all you can do is survive. Distract, they say, well... get through the hour or minute or split second. Because every hour you get through takes you onto a 'new now', where you are more healed. Little by little, you see the days, weeks and months pass. And you are more healed, no matter how this feels like.

 

Then comes a time when you realise you can push through the fear or depression or, for me, it was monophobia. I still needed to be around people, engaged in some kind of activity, but I was able to move from my go-to 'safe people' (mum or brother) and out into the world, to join classes or meetups. And that's how my world began to expand. I discovered acting and that when I'm in a scene, I am transported miles away from WD, even if it's for a few seconds or minutes at a time. And I started to make friends. No kidding. And this is the kind of upward spiral of life that is happening again, after having been really socially disabled by drugs. I didn't care for friends or even family that much, I could stay 6 months without talking to my family on the phone, and a 'hello' with the person at the cash register in the grocery shop would be sufficient human interaction in the day. So even if I'm not feeling much better at soon 29 months out, I am seeing a lot more of 'normal' happen. I'm not yet working but I've started organizing my own creative writing workshops, I'm getting more and more demand and even someone today suggesting I'd join her venture - she's an improv teacher and would like to add writing workshops to the services her company offers. Anyway.. all I wanted to say really is that life has sped up big time. And I'm not alone. Heck, there are even guys queuing in a line to go out with me! 

 

So guys, let's keep going. It's no fun, to say the least, but at our timeframes, we've got this. No doubt about it. We've come through all these long months, so whatever time that needs to be dealt with in purgatory... we've got this. Keep walking, or heck, keep crawling. Just keep moving. And it will indeed get better.

 

Warm hugs!

Julz

[[Po...]]

Hi Julz,

 

Thanks very much!

 

I do want to go out and be with people .... but the fear is so chemically strong. Did you ever notice where the constant fear diminished, and you knew that you could take the next step in your progress?

 

Also, I have this constant unwanted thought - that my left leg and hip are not aligned properly. It’s so disturbing! Did you ever have a constant, troublesome thought that went away?

 

Êtes-vous en France? J'aime la France! J'y suis souvent allé pour de grandes courses de motocross: Ernée, Saint-Jean-d'Angély, Paris, Pernes-la-Fontaine, Villars-sous-Ecot et d'autres villes.

 

Dieu vous protège!

 

 

Alex

 

 

[[...]]

Hi Julz,

 

Thanks very much!

 

I do want to go out and be with people .... but the fear is so chemically strong. Did you ever notice where the constant fear diminished, and you knew that you could take the next step in your progress?

 

Also, I have this constant unwanted thought - that my left leg and hip are not aligned properly. It’s so disturbing! Did you ever have a constant, troublesome thought that went away?

 

Êtes-vous en France? J'aime la France! J'y suis souvent allé pour de grandes courses de motocross: Ernée, Saint-Jean-d'Angély, Paris, Pernes-la-Fontaine, Villars-sous-Ecot et d'autres villes.

 

Dieu vous protège!

 

 

Alex

 

Bonjour Alex!

 

Oui je suis en France, je vous salue de Paris !

 

Ok back to English so that everyone can follow the conversation 

 

For me, it wasn't as clear-cut as fear. I had monophobia, which created another type of mental anguish altogether, not fear as we know it. Perhaps mental akathisia? I'd feel like I was bungee-jumping inside my soul and never hitting the ground, and at times, I felt like that would have been a welcome outcome. It was awful. Now, perhaps that kind of let up just a tad, enough for me to wedge my foot in the door, and start trying out new ways to cope. I first went from coping with the hour at hand to being able to plan for the next day, and that hat was a relief. Because I couldn't think on my feet, and dealing with the present moment, with all the unknown and depending on other people without knowing whether they would be there for me or not, oh my word, that was excruciating! I think it was a mix of it being the right time in my healing, me being psychologically ready to face the challenge, and opportunity. But when you look at any situation, I'd say opportunity is always there - what's important is to be ready to face the challenge. My brother, who was living with me at the time, had a big trip all the way to Australia and I was going to be alone for 3 weeks. At that point, I had only managed to cope through 2 or 3 nights on my own, and that would have been by going walking aimlessly until late, when I'd return home and have a clear routine to follow: water the garden, chop vegetables, make dinner, eat, brush my teeth and go to bed, with no time to stop or think or anything - relaxing is still out of my reach because of akathisia. I then found out that I could do other things to pass time, other than go walking aimlessly on my own, and that was through Meetups as well as going back to a dance class I'd dropped out of many years when I was put on meds. And you know what? Many good things have come out of what was originally just about coping, like this drama class which I really like a lot, and all the friends I'm making in the process. So the effort is worth it - I'll even say that I am thankful to my Brother for going off to Australia when he did, even if back then I was filled with dread. I now believe in blessings in disguise. So, to sum up, I didn't quite know back then that I could take the next step, but I didn't have much of a choice. It's with hindsight that I can say that the time was about right, and that I'm glad it all happened the way it did  and being out in the world is the best distraction against symptoms, even if there is a little voice inside pointing out the fact that you're in benzo WD and that everyone else is probably much comfortable in their own skin, able to feel joy and relax etc etc.

 

Regarding intrusive/unwanted thoughts, yes, I've had those! They would come and haunt me at night mostly, and it was horrendous. The same thoughts during the day wouldn't have the same effect on me, they wouldn't actually even visit much during the day, so that's how I knew it was a symptom. Thoughts that have the ability to torture your mind and soul, as if I'd committed murder when it was a yogurt reaching its best before date one night and something even more stupid the next. Some thoughts would loose their potential to torture my mind, just to be replaced with others, and then would come back, and so on. No rhyme or logic. But a terrible effect on me for sure. So yes, I can relate to your obsession over your hip and leg... and I bet there is absolutely nothing wrong at all with your leg. Perhaps a hyper-awareness of that part of your body, for some WD-neurological reason? Obsessions/OCD and intrusives are all two sides of the same coin, in my opinion.

 

...and intrusive thoughts have subsided quite a lot. I still had those until January last year, so roughly 18 or 19 months. Now, at 28.5 months, that, at least, has more or less gone! 

 

It's about pointing out every little detail that shows that healing IS happening, no matter how awful the rest of symptoms still are. Finding the courage to do that, day after day, is making us way stronger than we would ever have been... so while I'm not thankful to meds for what they are putting us through, I say let's make this count, let's make the best of this awful mess. We can do it - heck, we ARE doing it!! 

 

Warm hugs,

Julz

[[Po...]]

Julz - thank you so much 

 

You have an amazing, positive, healthy attitude! So good!

 

 

 

This leg & hip thought / feeling that I have - so troubling. So bizarre! It hasn’t let up - constant 24/7 for the last 12 months. Anytime I try to walk it starts the thought all over. Never had it before this wave started, so I’m hopeful it’s just a crazy benzo / neuro thing ....

 

 

 

Do you / did you notice something that changed when you went from surviving every moment, to being able to not have benzo on your mind 24/7?

 

 

 

I can relate to so much of what you wrote 

 

 

 

Wishing you the very best Julz!

 

 

Alex

 

 

 

 

[[Wi...]]

Julz - lovely, inspiring post! It helped me this morning. Thank you!

 

Wishing everyone here continued healing.

 

Warmth & hope,

Wildflower

[[bo...]]

Anybody still involved in this thread ever get their vision back properly. I'm 19 months off and still everything appears blurry and cloudy. I can barely look at people at all because they look so strange and distorted still.

[[co...]]

Yes... I've had that symptom. Now it's just a challenge reading small print and eye fatigue from looking at a screen all day.

[[pi...]]

Anybody still involved in this thread ever get their vision back properly. I'm 19 months off and still everything appears blurry and cloudy. I can barely look at people at all because they look so strange and distorted still.

 

yes my vision is back, it was very strange vision issues for like 2 years. Hang in there!

[[bo...]]

Thank you, pinkyandthebrain. How are you now? How long are you off now?

[[pi...]]

Thank you, pinkyandthebrain. How are you now? How long are you off now?

 

im roughly 2 and half years off. im good 90% of the time. Like no anxiety alot of the time now. Its now to the point its like ive got a terrible anxiety disorder thats getting better over time. Its heaven compared to where i was. I avoid here a lot these days cause its just so terrifying to remember how bad it was. Which means these days its comparably awesome.

 

so hang in there

 

its a long road but healing happens!

 

[[Wi...]]

Thank you, pinkyandthebrain. How are you now? How long are you off now?

 

im roughly 2 and half years off. im good 90% of the time. Like no anxiety alot of the time now. Its now to the point its like ive got a terrible anxiety disorder thats getting better over time. Its heaven compared to where i was. I avoid here a lot these days cause its just so terrifying to remember how bad it was. Which means these days its comparably awesome.

 

so hang in there

 

its a long road but healing happens!

 

Fantastic news, pinky. Thank you for the update. My worst symptom, by far, is non-stop off-the-charts anxiety, so your post is incredibly hopeful to me.

 

I hope you just get better and better -- I'm sure you will. Thanks again.

 

Wildflower

[[pi...]]

Thank you, pinkyandthebrain. How are you now? How long are you off now?

 

im roughly 2 and half years off. im good 90% of the time. Like no anxiety alot of the time now. Its now to the point its like ive got a terrible anxiety disorder thats getting better over time. Its heaven compared to where i was. I avoid here a lot these days cause its just so terrifying to remember how bad it was. Which means these days its comparably awesome.

 

so hang in there

 

its a long road but healing happens!

 

Fantastic news, pinky. Thank you for the update. My worst symptom, by far, is non-stop off-the-charts anxiety, so your post is incredibly hopeful to me.

 

I hope you just get better and better -- I'm sure you will. Thanks again.

 

Wildflower

 

Hey wildflower

 

Im reading this and i feel for you i do. Just thought id give a bit more info for you both

 

I used to have anxiety 24/7, i mean anxiety doesnt really cover it, I had skin crawling,gut wrenching terror and sickening feelings of disgust and shame washing over me in waves every minute of the day, trying to get my breathing right to ride out the next few minutes, then the hour and then the morning and then just make it to dinner, oh god why me ------- is what i had.

 

Now i dont feel those things at all. I think it happened once for a few hours in the morning in the last few weeks and it wasn't that bad. I can eat in public, go to the store. I get nervous normally without spiraling, Ive listened to loud music again and played intense games, watched movies that are horrors. Ive eaten way too much food and chocolate and not noticed a thing. Beautiful signs of normal that i was terrified would never return - are returning.

 

Its just excruciatingly slow the progress at this late stage, and the few little things remaining still scare me cause of the "what if this is permanent" thought loop still gets to me when sxs return to haunt me (pardon the Halloween pun). but i said that about stuff that's been long gone now.

 

So again, healing happens, give it time. soldier on, most important -> take care of yourself along the way.

 

 

 

[[Wi...]]

pinky, you're really kind to come back and write this for me. Yours is the best description I've read of the anxiety/terror symptoms I've experienced almost from the beginning on ativan, all the way through taper, and most of the time still, at almost 18 months off. I can't tell you what a relief it is to have someone else put it into words, as I, too, have the skin crawling, etc.

 

But yes, the worst is the unholy terror -- I don't have a word for it. It's truly out of this world. It makes me feel as bat-sh*t crazy as a coot (ha...Halloween has nothing on this)....

 

I am so very happy for how far you've come! Rooting for you all the way. Thanks again.

 

Wildflower

[[bo...]]

It's good you are doing so much better, pinky. I'm 19 months and still struggling with a pervading sense of anger all the time. I'm angry at home and angry at work. It's hard because my life is pretty good on paper. I have a good family, I'm living where I want to live, and my job is much easier than what I was doing before. I don't know if the anger is a response to stress or things being too hard or what but it's like an ever present feeling. Will this go away or should I consider other meds someday?

[[fi...]]

I've been battling anger for some time now as well.  It started about a year and a half ago.