18-30 MONTHS AND UPWARDS

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What does the anger feel like for you? Do certain things trigger it?

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Bump

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Updates from anyone in this time frame? Back posts on this thread have been very helpful to me....

 

I've just crossed the 18-month mark and am obviously still struggling. Would love to hear how others are doing, even if you're much further out and still having challenges.

 

(Thanks for bumping, blue.)

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I’m still struggling. Insomnia and sick fatigue are my worst. Some depression, lack of mental acuity, constant tinnitus all still here. I’ve had a couple windows with one lasting around 4 days. Overall still sick.

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DBM, thanks for checking in. It means a lot.

 

You're a couple of months ahead of me, but we're in a similar space, it sounds like. For me, it's still non-stop anxiety, phobias, tinnitus, gut issues, rashes. Some days are worse than others, but no real windows yet. I think I've had about 2 or 3, maybe, lasting less than a day, and they weren't 'full' windows. Not even close.

 

I spoke to Baylissa Frederick this week, and she assured me this is still par for the course for many of us in this time frame. It's hard to believe, but I'm trying to hang onto that. There are too many of us suffering like this around the 2- or 3-year mark to assume it's not withdrawal related.

 

Thanks again for checking in. Much appreciated.

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You’re welcome, Wildflower! I’m actually in a stunned disbelief that this is going on for so long. I get angry, but I stifle it because it has beaten me down so badly I know the anger is pointless. Thanks for passing on Baylissa’s encouragement. Hard to believe it will get better once you’re this far in, but I guess we have to.

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I'm also stunned, DBM. Total shock still.

 

But hey, clearly we're not alone. Baylissa mentioned that most of her clients who are struggling in this time frame do not post on forums. I kept asking her whether I should be considering other forms of therapy, meds, anything. She wasn't worried or phased at all -- nope, most likely withdrawal. She sees it all the time.

 

Hang in there. We're doing it.

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Did you all see the recent post from LiveAboveIt? It is hopeful for us struggling this far out. I'm absolutely astounded that I'm not completely better from this at 20 months off meds and nearly 18 months off alcohol. I can't tell if the anger that I experience daily is because of withdrawal directly or the symptoms that I know are from withdrawal directly like DR/DP, fear, irrational thoughts, burning nerves, and vision issues.

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Boom, I bookmarked LiveAboveIt's post. So encouraging. 

 

I think the anger is a bit of both. When I wake up with gut pain and the intense anxiety, my first reaction is usually murderous rage and frustration. And the silliest things will also trigger extreme anger: the way my husband chews (totally normal, actually, but there you go), the sound of a child shrieking in play, intrusive ads on websites.... Our nervous systems are raw. We need more time, that's all.

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Me too, Wildflower! Haha. It kind of made me laugh because I get mad at those same things! Interesting that Baylissa’s folks don’t post this far out. I’m kind of burnt on posting and trying to figure out solutions honestly. Time is the only healer really. I just stay on here for distraction.

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Good to know it's not just me  We make light of it here, but it's not so funny while it's actually happening.... I even get mad at the toilet paper not tearing properly...crazy stuff.

 

I think many people don't post because 1) they don't want to scare others less far out; 2) we're terrified we're 'different' and won't heal, and we're scared someone will say something like 'Geez, it can't be withdrawal anymore...you're doomed, man.' And according to Baylissa, many are simply too debilitated to post. It's too stressful. So if you can post, that's saying something. There are many who can't.

 

After a while, you're just exhausted by it all, like you say. I'm just plodding along on auto-pilot right now.

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37 months... still struggling but many things have improved. Yet several things still linger and therefore lots (and lots) of anger, rage, resentment, shame, guilt, loneliness, etc.. because of this. I've been angry since month 18 when I thought for sure I would be completely healed. Add another 18 months and you can imagine how angry one could be. Difficult to go every day of your life for years like this... so I think the anger and rage is just normal whether you're experiencing symptoms or even if they've subsided / hit a window. The anger is still there... how could you not be angry / depressed / upset / emotional / etc... after experiencing something like this for so long? I try to work it out at the gym but that doesn't always help. Just accept it as best as you can I think... what other choice do you have outside of the obvious.

 

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Colley . I am right at your time frame for my last benzo ( Nov 5th 2016 ) My last remeron was Nov 2017 . At this stage I am lucky in that I only have very few bugger symptoms left . The worst ones are the weird lower leg and lower arm pains and tingles at night which raise their ugly heads on occasion. I have learned to listen to my body at these times and I try to rest more and remove as much stress as I can.

About 18 months ago I realised that my recovery was going to be protracted and that there was not one darn thing that I could do about it. So I made the decision to live the  best life possible with whatever each new day brought me . I am no spring chicken . To quote the senior menu from a local restaurant ' I have been around the mountains a few times ' . I could not see living out my remaining years in a morass of pity parties. Living with this decision has enabled me to have a life . It's not been perfect but it has been a life and I am so thankful.

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Colley - I'm glad to hear that many things have improved for you, even though it's still hard. Very good also that you can work out. Of course, it's hard not to feel angry when we're still struggling badly. I hope things keep improving for you.

 

Rabbit - I love your perspective. Even during my slow DLMT, I suspected that my recovery might be protracted, as I have such a convoluted history.... Tough one to accept. It's only now, past 18 months, that I'm able even to consider it. And trying to be OK with it. As long as the anxiety lightens up, I'll settle for other symptoms remaining for as long as it takes (even though they absolutely suck!). So happy that you're living life! Thank you for stopping by.

 

Wildflower

 

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I wanted to add my recent post to this group to get some thoughts.

 

"I was told to google search trauma and window of tolerance. This sort of explains my symptoms.

 

The window of tolerance is when you feel fine and can handle the stress that life throws at you. Then on each side of the window of tolerance you have hyperarousal. One side of hyperarousal involves anxiety, anger, and overwhelmed where you feel like you need to fight or flee. The other side of hyperarousal involves being spacey, zoned out, numb, or frozen. The body wants to shut down. You can't choose to stop this when it happens.

 

I've been dealing with both sides of these extremes in withdrawal, as I'm sure many others have too. Such torture. When do we tolerate stress again?"

 

Thoughts? How is everybody doing?

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Bumping this up.

 

I desperately need encouragement, buddies. Going on 19 months now. The tiny improvements I've had are small and mostly physical: sciatic/back pain and nerve pain gone, tingling mostly gone, benzo belly about 60% better. Mental is as bad or worse than ever: 24/7 terror, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, paranoia, OCD, phobias, despair, DP/DR, exhaustion, loneliness. Waking up dripping in sweat; hair loss starting up again. No real windows -- more like waves within waves.  Non-functional, except for basic home chores and cooking the same meals.

 

I know this can be a long road, but any words from veterans further out would be so welcome, even if you're still symptomatic or struggling yourself. I decided to post here, as this thread has always drawn protracted people who try to stay hopeful and maintain an encouraging tone.

 

I could live with the thought of healing carrying on beyond the 2-year mark...if I only knew that the mental would lift, even just by 30-50%. Please. I'm in severe mental pain and losing hope. Searing grief all the time. (I just lost another cat.) Anyone?

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Hang in there wildflower.

 

I was exactly were you are and now its all gone. Im like many on here who sxs hanging around beneath the surface but otherwise I forget about benzos like 99% of the day thats how relatively normal its become again

 

hang in there

 

you will be bored more than suffering very soon trust me

 

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pinky, thank you so much for replying.

 

I know it's pointless to compare. But is it normal for some of us to see so little real improvement by 19 months? (I know I have the kindling history....)

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Yes absolutely normal I'm afraid to say. I didn't turn a corner until around 22-23 months. Many of "my timelines' fellw bb's who were the worst of the worst also turned a corner around then as well. Were not healed fully but it goes from hell on earth to like a bad anxiety condition and trust me its heavan having a little anxiety compared to where i was. Your at a well known time period to start seeing some serious changes, even among the long term types. Hold onto hope.

 

that first 19 months is just toxic af and you have to just grunt through sadly......but there's where i am on the other side. I thought id never heal, (its cliche now saying it) but im normal 95% of the time now. In the last month ive thought about being sick from WD maybe twice, i had a weird dream that i chalked up to it. and i had a bad two days of anxiety out of normal. This will be where you are soon

 

just brace till then

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Yes absolutely normal I'm afraid to say. I didn't turn a corner until around 22-23 months. Many of "my timelines' fellw bb's who were the worst of the worst also turned a corner around then as well. Were not healed fully but it goes from hell on earth to like a bad anxiety condition and trust me its heavan having a little anxiety compared to where i was. Your at a well known time period to start seeing some serious changes, even among the long term types. Hold onto hope.

 

that first 19 months is just toxic af and you have to just grunt through sadly......but there's where i am on the other side. I thought id never heal, (its cliche now saying it) but im normal 95% of the time now. In the last month ive thought about being sick from WD maybe twice, i had a weird dream that i chalked up to it. and i had a bad two days of anxiety out of normal. This will be where you are soon

 

just brace till then

 

Oh, thank goodness for your words, pinky!! The despair has been beyond words. Definitely still the toxic af, hell-on-earth phase...can't even begin to describe it....

 

You really are saving my life today. You'll never know how literally I mean that.... And I am so very happy for your progress. Thank you again, pinky.

 

Sending hope to all the buddies on here.

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Wildflower my brave buddie . I know how hard all of this is . The non - linear nature and non stop battle of recovery is draining and exhausting, and takes every ounce of endurance and strength that we can somehow dredge up from our inner depths  .And it's not fair that for some of us the battle goes on for what seems like forever . It seems endless but at 90% healed I can absolutely tell you that you will recover from this .  Your remaining mental symptoms can and will gradually fade to a manageable level .

 

I am 36 months out from benzos and 24 months out from remeron. The first year was horrific .The least said about that the better . Thankfully I started to see gradual improvement in the second year and suddenly my life no longer revolved around my recovery .Now in this last stretch of the marathon I have long periods of normalcy and short periods of entirely manageable and very small waves .

 

Keep reminding yourself that your symptoms all come from your damaged C.N.S which every single day is healing . This healing takes time and sometimes for some of us a  lot of time . but it will happen.

 

This is the season of miracles so I would wish for us all a swift overnight recovery but even if that particular miracle does not happen we do  have the promise of a full and complete recovery . It has happened for others and it will happen for us.

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Thanks for coming back, Brave Rabbit. Did you deal with intense anger when stressed?

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boom , Sometimes I do feel spurts of anger when I'm stressed  . When it happens it's more like a tiny flare up and at this stage of recovery feels like a normal reaction rather than being benzo related . The issue of anger for me has always been complicated . I was never allowed to feel anger as a child and I grew up sublimating it . I tend to turn my anger in on myself rather than to blame whomever or whatever is causing it . I think that anger if used constructively can be a great motivator . At the beginning the anger that I thankfully did feel towards idiot Dr's and nightmare drugs motivated me to fight back by getting on with my recovery program, and not allowing the wrongs that had been done to take over and destroy my life.

 

Also consider that anger can be a very real symptom of a damaged C.N.S but in reality probably is not part of your natural character . As you heal it will fade . Right now your challenge is to manage it as you would any other symptom.

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brave rabbit, Thank you very much for your thoughtful posts. Both of them helped me. I'm in that weathering phase now, where it has been so long (especially counting the 9 years of 'tolerance' sickness) that I'm just utterly exhausted by this whole trip. Just weathering endlessly...like a horse with its flanks turned to a storm.... My emotions are spent.

 

I relate also to what you wrote about your childhood anger. That is finally fading for me -- partly, I think, as the CNS is healing, and partly as a result of working through and finally making peace with the memories. But, in my case, first I had to feel those memories and the old rage, before I could release it, and that was a very hard (and ugly) phase in my w/d. Yet so very freeing.

 

The residual anger, for me, is the result of sheer frustration at still feeling so trapped, disabled and despairing in w/d, and at the magnitude of the daily suffering. I'm sure that is the bulk of the explanation for your anger too, boom. It's a normal reaction under the circumstances, and it will fade as your CNS heals more.

 

rabbit, I know you still have symptoms and that it's not always easy. But you sound clear and hopeful, living your life while looking forward. And I'm so happy for you. In this season of miracles and light, I'm holding on strongly with you to the promise of complete recovery.

 

Thank you again for your kindness in replying.

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Thought I was cured at 1.5 so I started drinking occasionally no more the 3 beers a day.  Then the  boughts of high blood pressure and skin burning started again.  Not sure if it kindled benzodiazepine withdrawals or it was the head injury.  IMHO it probably just irritated the gaba system again.  Now 1 week after last beer and bp seems better.  Aint going to do that again.