New 12-18 Month Buddy Group

[[MT...]]

Great prayer, Judy. Thanks for sharing it. I'm so glad that when you walked through the waters, you coded, but you were not swept under for good. I can't imagine doing all of this without God, BB, or friends/family.

 

I'll remember I'm a "superhero" when I'm rocking and holding onto my stuffed panda! What an amazing group of people we get to "meet" here.

 

Sleep is far off for me and unlikely at all tonight, but I will pray for some for you guys and all the rest of Benzo's Survivors.

 

Katie

[[so...]]

Hi my friends,

 

I'm in a new phase of healing now.  The physically debilitating symptoms have subsided significantly.  What has taken a front seat now are the emotional and psychological aspects of healing, which have always been in the background, but have not taken up the spotlight until this past week.  Fear, doubt, despair, regret, loneliness, isolation, sadness, loss of self and direction...this is a tough phase of recovery.  This is the phase I feared the most, but I need to go through it to heal.

 

My hope is that this is the final phase of withdrawal.  The area of my brain that controls my emotions is repairing.  I am forever grateful for your company during this difficult time.

 

Love, Judy

[[MT...]]

Judy,

 

It's truly wonderful to hear about your gradual improvement in some symptoms and rediscovery of some hope that an end is in sight. I have many of the same symptoms you're describing but with some remaining physical ones. Today I feel useless and like I have nothing to give. Just trying to get through it.

 

Katie

[[so...]]

Katie,

 

I think we're feeling the shock of all this.  We have been so trapped within the physical symptoms for so long that, when they take a back seat, the psychological ones are now at the forefront and our brains are focused on healing the receptors in the part of the brain where emotions are located.  Does that make any sense?  Sense, ha!  As if any of this makes sense.

 

Love, Judy

[[...]]

That kind of reflects me when I'm in windows of physical sx reduction.  I get mad at life.  It's not a nice thing.  But acknowledging and allowing yourself to vent these emotions is important.  Don't attempt to supress them. 

 

Don't forget to cry.  Crying is very important in releasing emotional stress.

 

 

[[ml...]]

I so understand and as I type...yep, Im crying.  :'(

I have come so far...we have come so far in a years time, but man, its like, STILL...more layers of the onion to peel off. Its exactly what it feels like to me. Like layer after layer after layer to get the the final one and then we see us again.

 

I wonder who "me" is anymore? Trying to figure all that out now. My whole life has changed SO radically in ones years time, as it never has in my whole life. I have not had the pre-benzo, "normal" mind to figure it all out in so long and now more than ever I need to have all my emotions in check and think!

 

My dad and my brother both died unexpectedly 3 weeks apart in Feb of 2015, while I was in hardcore acute...I entered into menopause last year and next month on my bday, I'm 50, which is the same day...Feb 16th, my brother died. Now here comes the wave of the first year after their deaths. I could not do this without God and my support system, which includes all of you. No one else really gets whats its like to be in our heads. You can look at us and we "look" fine, but inside its a whole other story isn't it.

 

I am not a whiner, I hope it does not sound that way, I'm just in shock as you say Judy...SO MUCH all at once and I'm still healing in so many ways. I gotta keep it one day at time and nothing more. Just today 

 

I realize I'm exactly where you are Judy. I have very little physical sx anymore, that has mostly lifted, but now all of a sudden I feel so much emotional stuff going on. I can't tell if its menopause, grief, or this, Ive never dealt with any of them until this last 12 months. Such unfamiliar territory. I guess I just have to widdle my way thru. to the "new" me and figure out who I am now.

I'm changed forever after the losses I had last year and this wd, radically changing me. Not to mention the hormone thing!

 

I'm going out to take a long walk today and try to get my body moving, I feel clogged up emotionally and sorta stuck in a depressive place. Its gotta go and I KNOW exercise helps so much. My oldest daughter is getting married in May and I want JOY in all the planning. I want to really enjoy it and not stay stuck in the place I seem to be in anymore. Gotta BUST OUT!! 

 

Oh how joyful it will be when ALL of this BS ends...Lord be with us and continue to please carry us all the way out, I know we are making progress and in your very capable hands. You have brought me/us so far. Thank you for that. Amen

 

Lysa

[[MT...]]

You all said so many things I feel. While I still have the physical with fatigue, paresthesias and the usual grab bag of crud, the past few days it's the dark despair, irritability, and these surges of anger/rage that have me against the wall. I've been dealing with some conflicts with a few folks and been able to stay externally calm when I've wanted to be hateful or even lash out physically. Yet I'm into the Jesus way and pacifism so it's shocking to me to have such violent impulses. So yeah, who the hell am I anymore?

 

ML, I lost my father about 6 weeks before I jumped. Grief and wd do a great job of feeding each other. I'm sorry to hear about your losses that were terribly close to each other too. You had an awful year. With my father's dementia his death was a mercy.

 

My larger grief at this point is the life I feel I lost and is out of reach for now. I'm afraid this sound whiny or self-absorbed, but it feels like everyone else's lives are moving forwards and mine has been on hold for 3 years now. I don't anticipate that changing until I can sleep and that is likely very far away. So I'm stuck in neutral with my work, friendships, travel, etc., just trying to get through this rather than getting anywhere. I try to be positive but today feels like I'm swimming in despair soup.

 

Yes, this is all an enormous shock and joy takes incredible effort. Sometimes it's out of reach. Sorry for being a downer today.

[[so...]]

My sweet dear friends,

 

I am crying as I write this.  I cannot tell you how comforting it is to me that I am not alone in this psychological emotional shitstorm.  I absolutely hate that you are all experiencing this as well, but I am relieved that this is NOT the new me.  That this is just part and parcel of the withdrawal process.

 

I was talking to a healed survivor on the phone today, a generous compassionate person who is helping me through this last leg of the journey.  She says this is all so very normal, that what is happening is very physical in our brains as they regrow receptors and the receptors match up and marry their neurotransmitter mates for life.  I told her I was feeling this "shift" in my recovery trying to cope with the emotional symptoms and she assured me that I was nearing the end of my journey, which is just as tough in many ways as was surviving the physical hell.

 

I have suffered daily for 14 months with this drugged feeling all day every day during withdrawal, which has made even the simplest of tasks monumental.  It has put this veil between me and my family, leaving me with this disconnect, this feeling like I'm watching everyone having fun all around me, but being unable to engage with them, always feeling like I'm an outsider looking in through a glass wall.  Last week, the drugged feeling started to lift.  I was overjoyed.  Cried constantly that this was now intermittent, not relentless.  Unfortunately, the disconnect is still there, so I have a ways to go yet.  I am now just feeling "different" in a way that is so hard to explain.  It's like I'm getting so close to the finish line, but I still can't make out the checkered flag.

 

I just keep saying over and over to myself, "Jesus is my navigator.  He is driving me to my new life.  I don't have to figure anything out.  It will all become clear to me without having to DO anything."  This self-talk relieves me of the pressure to have to figure out who I am now, with the belief that everything will just fall into place as it should, opportunities will come my way that will bring me joy and peace and contentment and I don't have to rebuild my life from scratch.  At 62 years old, I don't have the strength or the desire to reinvent myself.  After suffering for two years of hell, working so hard every day just to survive until nightfall, I'm exhausted.  I want to be a passenger for a change.  Just enjoy life and be happy effortlessly.

 

I love you all so much.  We are so very tired.  We have been through the battle of our lives and we just want to lie down in a meadow of pure bliss without having to sweat setting up and securing the tent.  I don't think we'll have to.  It doesn't rain in the healed meadow.

 

Love and arms around my recovering friends, Judy

[[ml...]]

That kind of reflects me when I'm in windows of physical sx reduction.  I get mad at life.  It's not a nice thing.  But acknowledging and allowing yourself to vent these emotions is important.  Don't attempt to supress them. 

 

Don't forget to cry.  Crying is very important in releasing emotional stress.

 

You are absolutely correct on the crying G. My brain Doc that helped me for the first 4 months of wd, told me crying and laughing reset powerful brain chemicals, so lets CRY & LAUGH!! 

[[Bu...]]

Hello buddies!

 

It has been a few days since iv'e logged on. I dont have to work this week, so im hoping I can stop in and say hello a bit more. I am also dealing with the emotional and psychological element of recovery right now. I still gets waves of fatigue, and my base line energy is is fairly low, although steadily improving. My muscles still feel like jello sometimes, and occssionally it feels like poison is running through my muscles and joints. This is all improving. Like you all, i struggle with the emotional disconnect from my partner and all the other members of the human race around me.even with my positive outlook and very proactive approach to healing, the disconnect makes me feel crazy!! Its frustrating having to pretend. I just aknowledge these feelings of resentment, anger and frustration, and i allow them just to "be" for a few hours. Then i meditate or do some cardio and i pray. In my windows, my feelings come back. I remember those windows, and i hold them in heart and mind, and they keep that flame of hope burning. I WILL succeed. Buddies, we are giving ourselves a gift. The most beautiful gifts are full of spiritual trial. I truly believe that to really know what joy, peace, and feedom feel like, you first have to experience the absence of them. Keep going everyone. A great gift awaits us all.

 

Xoxo,

Bubbles (Nik)

 

 

 

[[so...]]

Hi Bubbles,

 

Your positive attitude is wonderful.  I'm back in the soup suddenly, for no reason, and needed to hear your determination and resolve.

 

Love, Judy

[[ml...]]

Thank you for ALL the wise words, its easier with how my brain feels today, that I just say, I get every single word oh so well.

 

I am fighting the urge to just stay in bed all day. If I totally gave into what I really FEEL I want to do, instead of what I know I have to do...I would just curl up in my bed all day and watch Golden Girl reruns, or some other feel good show. It makes me laugh and at least feel cozy.

 

However...I MADE myself get dressed, go on a long walk. Being outside and looking at all the tress and breathing the fresh air felt so good. I must make myself do this everyday, even when I would rather be in bed. Its not healthy. Like you Judy, this seems to be the next phase in recovery. I agree with the whole shock thing so well. To be honest, its only just recently, I have been able to look back at what I went thru the first 4 months of this wd process. Acute because I CT, it was so intense and lasted longer.

 

I have been unable to even talk about what happened to me until recently, so I know thats all stirring up my brains emotional center too. I like what your BB pal said that you talked too and I so appreciate you sharing that with us, it helps all of us!

 

This whole thing has been so terrifying. I remember feeling like a wild caged animal inside my head...that would lose its mind at any moment, yet there was no where to run, nothing would relieve it. I clung on and on and on...I don't want to have some sort of PTSD from this last year, so I just will keep fighting! Another layer coming off! Fighting depression and extreme fatigue, is so exhausting, you are right...we are so tired...so very tired. What an exhausting last 12 months it has been for us all.

 

Oh Lord ladies, and men too, we will get thru this. Jesus is the way as you say Judy. Sometimes I ask him WHY he cant just let this be over right now, because we know he can. Its just the faith again, we have to know we don't know everything and that his ways are higher than our ways...To trust.

 

God bless you today buddy's 

Lysa

[[ml...]]

Hi bubbles...yes, right there with you too! 

[[MT...]]

Wise words, Bubbles. Thanks for sharing them.

 

Lysa, you were very brave and strong today winning the battle of the bedsand (like quicksand) and walking. Good for you

 

I'm still feeling like a used Ebola kleenex but pushing through the day, dreaming of better days...and nights that have actual sleep in them. Yes, Virginia, there is a Land of Nod.

[[ml...]]

Had to share...made me laugh my guts out and thats a good thing...I sure needed it today! 

 

Just laugh...At least for a minute.

 

[[so...]]

You guys are hilarious.  I don't know which made me laugh harder, the screaming chipmunk or the used Ebola Kleenex. 

 

Thank you for the giggles.

 

Love, Judy

[[so...]]

Correction:  Not chipmunk, beaver.  Ha!

[[ml...]]

You guys are hilarious.  I don't know which made me laugh harder, the screaming chipmunk or the used Ebola Kleenex. 

 

Thank you for the giggles.

 

Love, Judy

 

 

[[so...]]

Hey 12-18 buddies,

 

Boy am I glad today is over.  I was doing so well, then BAM, I get hit with a wave out of the devil's anus!  Very disheartening.

 

Maybe it's the BIG ONE before the end.  And I don't mean heart attack.  I could probably handle that better than this.  I hope Jesus isn't getting sick of my phone calls.

 

Oh welllllllll.  Onward and upward I pray.

 

I hope everyone else is in a great place.  Like Tahiti.  Under an umbrella.  Sucking on a Cadillac margarita.

 

Please pass the stale raw almonds, dried chicken breast, broccoli and kefir.  Ugh.  Why have taste buds?  I wonder if cardboard is hypoglycemic?

 

Love and sweet dreams, Judy

[[ml...]]

Good job Judy, he was with us for another day and no, he never gets tired of our phone calls. We have unlimited call privileges , 24/7!

 

I am feeling much better tonight. Im convinced its the exercise. It really does help to lift the blahs. Are you able to walk, or do some exercise?

[[so...]]

Katie,

 

Have you ever tried hot milk before bed to make you groggy?  It works but hurts my stomach.  I bought some almond milk and tried it last night and it worked without the tummy upset.  You may want to give hot whole milk or almond milk a whirl.  It has to be as hot as you can stand.  Don't burn your mouth though.  Let me know.

 

Love, Judy

[[so...]]

Hi Lysa,

 

I walk my beloved Opie and pace my backyard all day.  I don't know how many miles I log, but it must be quite a few.  If I exercise too much, my cortisol revs and I'm off to the races.  I will try to build up by adding an additional 20 minute brisk walk tomorrow and see if I flop around like a fish in a rowboat.

 

Thank you for the advice.  I'll try anything.

 

Love, Judy

[[ml...]]

Ahhh, so sorry. That happened to me early on sometimes. Now exercise helps, its just DOING it when you want to stay in bed some days. I am such a go getter kind of person, so pushing myself thru this major fatigue and depression wave here!

 

Good you can do what you can. Keep going, one day at time here, we can add one more day to our log 

[[Bu...]]

Hi Judy,

 

I was trying to think of some gentle yet effective exersise that might work. Have you ever done Qi Gong? If you go to mindfulness4stressreduction.com, and click on mindfull movement, there are some videos. Its stimulating but it calms the nervous system. Not sure if this your thing at all, but i really enjoy it. I live in san francisco, and it's a pretty big thing here. I walk past the park every morning where i see about 40 asian folks doing Qi Gong. Its one of my favorite sites in the city. I finally learned how to do it. Its easy, and pretty fun. May the force be with you Sofa!

 

Bubbles

[[Bu...]]

Buddies,

 

I bought a coloring book today. Yep. Thats right. Im 34 years old, and i bought a coloring book. Its one of those coloring books for adults to relieve stress. You guys might have seen them. I get bored with my cardio and meditation routine, so i thought this might be a new tool for engaging and distracting my mind in a creative way. Im enjoying it so far. I bought some colored pencils. It keeps me out of my head. I highly reccomend it!

 

Bubbles