Eastcoast's Trip

[[Te...]]

East!!! Annie, what a pleasure it is to read what you have to say. I have thought about you often, wondering how you're doing, and it's absolutely wonderful to read that you are enjoying your life, are busy, happy, and are not in the intense suffering you were in for so long. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever heal, and then I read what you've written and realize that there will be healing at some point, it's just that I lose sight of it too often.

 

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for visiting BB again, Annie, and I also believe that without BB, I wouldn't have made it either. I would have probably been put on more and more drugs, the doctors not understanding, just a mess. Instead I'm reading about people like you who have energy again and are feeling joyful about life!! 

[[...]]

Annie, I went in for a check-up today, and my BP went up to 190/120 in the office. I then tried to explain to my doctor, who really is a good man, that 2.5 years after being off Klonopin that a combination of stress and a really bad day can still set this off.

 

(I was stranded the day before with a problem with our car, a short, that left me stranded in heavy rain right before work.)

 

So here I was, sitting on a the thing we all sit on at doctors' offices, and I was dizzy, hyperventilating, barely able to talk, and thinking I could not walk back out and drive home.

 

10 minutes later my BP fell to 140/90. It is fine at home.

 

So I am trying to explain to this man, who is really a good guy, that 2.5 years after a cold-turkey from Klonopin that my brain still does not work well under mild stress.

 

And I am so much more lucky than most here. I have never missed a day of work. I've barely been sick (colds, flu, things like that). But I try to explain to people that after 35 years on these benzos I may never be the same again, fully, because I damn sure never experienced anything like these panic attacks before I started taking benzos.

 

Mostly I am very happy to see that you are doing so much better!

[[wh...]]

 

 

 

1. Distract, distract, distract!!!!! It is the single best thing you can do to get through this.

 

2. Act as if you feel better than you actually do. This is an old therapy trick, and it truly works. Your brain will gradually start feeling more like how you are acting, your mood will improve, and it wont be a little white lie anymore.

 

3. Explore non drug answers to your symptoms. Learn how to meditate, do deep breathing, etc. Nothing exciting or new here - it will always be the same stuff you read about here all the time. Why? Because these things really do work.

 

4. Don't ever rely on a physician to guide you again. YOU are in command of your body, and you hired the doctor to do his job - not to run your life. If a medication is prescribed, do your homework before you take it. Read a lot of sources on the drug, not just one source. Get a feel for how dangerous the drug is, side effects, long term effects, etc.

 

5. Always, always, always have faith that this will end. You may have to fake this belief, and that is quite all right. Keep telling yourself that it WILL end - because it will. This is something BB has talked about over and over, having a belief that you will feel better. All the studies have shown that the VAST majority of people get over benzo withdrawal quite quickly. Its only a tiny fraction who are like me, with a lengthy and miserable withdrawal. I in a tiny minority, and I am glad you aren't one of us!

 

6. Do I worry about long term effects of having a bad withdrawal? NO. I don't. If tinnitus is my only remaining symptom, I can live with it.

.

 

Thank you for sharing this. Great advice, will refer to it often now.

 

All the best to you, and enjoy living life again!

 

 

[[ea...]]

Hello to all! And thank you for writing. My heart goes out to all of you still suffering through this. Note I said "through this." People here having a saying that "the only way out is through." This is so true! It seems to be a matter of holding on, with the faith that you are being tiold the truth here, arming yourself with information, and most of all, learning various ways to cope with each crazy symptom,

 

Gaer - first of all - Hello! As I read your note iot hit me that you have classic "white coat syndrome" - your BP goes up at the doctors. I have this, too. Plus, you are still in withdrawal, which will exacerbate such things. Try not to worry about it, since your BP goes down at home. THAT is what counts, not a single reading in a doctors office. Most doctors know this.

 

Leo - I like your last sentence. With a vengeance! But you know? It is hard for me to just put it all aside. It is still all too real for me, despite all my progress. Most of the time I just ignore remaining symptoms. I don't worry anymore. I keep on moving and refuse to let this get me down.  I still cannot watch the news on TV. Its just too violent, too sad, and its all designed to make us feel sad and scared for our world. Who needs that? I don't. I stopped watching TV early in withdrawal, and I now only watch easy stuff like animal shows and HGTV,

    You will get through this. You must! No matter how uncomfortable you feel, how scared, how anxious - whatever unbearable symptoms you have, keep on moving forward. Hold on. It truly does get better if we stay the course. I am sorry you are one of the few who has it so bad.

 

I am working today, cleaning a two story home here in town. The lady is near my age but older in body and mind. Her husband has a terminal disease, and her grandkids live with her. Her home is filled with cluttrer, stuff she's collected over the years. I liked her very much on our first meeting - she has a good heart. I am concerned about going up and down those stairs, though. My right leg, of course, is still stiff, painful and doesn't bend normally, thanks to my taking benzos. That leg is a constant reminder of where I came from, and it will never get better. In fact the chances are good that someday this leg will fail, and I WILL have to have it amputated. I know this, it scares me, and I try hard not to let fear drive me. Stairs are always a problem for me. I have to take them one ste[p at a time, moving sort of sideways, due to the stiff leg. And Ill be carrying a big old vacuum cleaner and cleaning supplies, too! Pray for me, guys.

 

My two cats, Peggy and Oreo, are sound asleep. Oreo threw up twice this morning, not unusual since he tends to eat too fast! I love these two little souls so much. I began feeding another stray outside months ago - George is what I named him, He is a huge cat, a tuxedo black and white, with a white mustache. Four of my neighbors help feed him, too. He has become our complex cat, and everyone looks out for him. He is an unneutered male, and must wegh 18 lbs. I wish like heck I could take him in!

 

I still feed the squirrels every morning. Those little eager faces just kill me!  They have personalities just like cats and dogs. Some are bold and daring, others shy and timid. But one thing of all is that KNOW me - they don't run up to any of my neighbors - just me. I find this fascinating and enchanting, making a connection with wildlife.

 

Off to work soon.....

 

Annie

[[ea...]]

Its kind oif strange buT ever since coming back here Im more aware of remaining symptoms, plus Im remembering symptoms I had which I had forgotten about. One of them hit me in my car today. I had several plastic shopping bags on the back seat. I had the windows open because its the first cool day here since last April. The wind rushing through the car made the plastic bags rustle a lot, and I remembered how that sound bothered me so terribly in withdrawal. That sound used to scare me, and I haven't a clue why. A lot of noises upset me: the sound of lawnmowers frightened me almost to tears, the sound of my refridgerator's motor running. Back then I was scared of every single thing around me. Everything looked weird, distorted, off color, dirty. Even my own beloved cats scared me. I am so glad I stayed the course and emerged from it all healthier. This is why I always tell people to stick with it, don't give up! It WILL get better, but you have to believe that it will. Put your trust in BB: this place will not steer you wrong. I am here as living proof of that.

Annie

[[Ch...]]

How did I miss this a few days ago!?

 

I am so happy to read this post of healing, Annie.  My eyes welled at reading your wonderful style of writing...I'd forgotten what a gifted writer you are.

 

Thank you for coming back to post this update.  My heart is full this afternoon.

 

Chal 

[[Cl...]]

Eastcost!  :smitten:

You are back! I missed You so much more than a year ago. Thank You for your helping me back at my begining.

 

 

[Guest [Ke...]]

Dearest Eastcoast, thank you thank you for returning. I've often wondered how you're doing as your story inspired me to keep going in the earlier months.

 

I'm over three years off now and still wave in and out but finally recovering. I understand all you're saying and I've also withdrawn from Benzo buddies as its hard to keep dwelling on withdrawal at this stage. It has been wonderful support for me though and I've made good friends here who have continued to support me although now well themselves.

 

My love to you and I wish you every success for your new life and full recovery.

KB xo 

[[li...]]

Hey East!

Glad to hear you are doing so well! Thanks for stopping by! Much love and continued healing to you!

I still have the tinnitus myself after 3  years 3 months ...wish that was all I had...

Come back again and let us know how you are doing...  little m

[[Ho...]]

Hello Annie!

 

So very happy to read this wonderful update! You were such a dear when I joined way back in early 2013. We messaged and you were so supportive even though you were suffering so much. I remember being amazed you were doing this while living all alone, I so admired you.

 

God bless you as you continue on in your new found happiness!

[[Ec...]]

Thank you so much for posting your inspiring story! I can't believe all you have endured but so relieved to hear how drastically you have improved! Hope life just keeps getting better for you.

[[DP...]]

Its kind oif strange buT ever since coming back here Im more aware of remaining symptoms, plus Im remembering symptoms I had which I had forgotten about. One of them hit me in my car today. I had several plastic shopping bags on the back seat. I had the windows open because its the first cool day here since last April. The wind rushing through the car made the plastic bags rustle a lot, and I remembered how that sound bothered me so terribly in withdrawal. That sound used to scare me, and I haven't a clue why. A lot of noises upset me: the sound of lawnmowers frightened me almost to tears, the sound of my refridgerator's motor running. Back then I was scared of every single thing around me. Everything looked weird, distorted, off color, dirty. Even my own beloved cats scared me. I am so glad I stayed the course and emerged from it all healthier. This is why I always tell people to stick with it, don't give up! It WILL get better, but you have to believe that it will. Put your trust in BB: this place will not steer you wrong. I am here as living proof of that.

Annie

 

July 2012......... We jumped same time........ For as long as I may live I will never forget 16/07/12 @ 2.22pm my last ever does of Daz............ Glad to hear your doing well as I always look for people that jumped same month............... Your update story sends further reassurance as I though when I first read your story you was already healed........... Seen a few posters lately that though they was healed only to come back and post a further update.............. Would you say your now 95% now ?? Hope so.......... Let's hope 2016 gives us back our life's........... Be nice to look in the mirror and remember who I truly am again............ I'm about 60% better.......... Took 3.6 yeas to get to 60%

[[va...]]

I wanna bump Eastcoast story cause it's full of hope 

 

Healing is inevitable and it will happen no matter what !!!

and as PianoGirl promised to me in the mist of my deepest disbelieve long long time ago-

You Will Get A New Lease On Life /

 

I wanna share those Eastcoast's encouragement words that she wrote to me

so it can help those that lost their hope:

 

"Don't give up. DO NOT GIVE UP!!!! I cannot stress this enough, to you or anyone else here. Getting off benzos and recovering from them can be a long and difficult road. But it is worth it, because in the end you will be much better off. When things get bad, just come here to BB, and chat with other people who know what you are going through. This was life-saving for me, and for many others."

 

 

kindly v

 

[[an...]]

Thank you for bumping! It sure is filled with hope!

 

Thank you for sharing EC and enjoy every single minute of your new life. You sure had to fight to get it!

 

Much love!

[[il...]]

Congratulations. I love hearing stories like this. You seem to be doing quite well and enjoying life -- which is exactly what it's meant for. Enjoy your many blessings! 

[[il...]]

Annie,

 

I can relate so much to the paranoia. It's kind of funny now. Not "funny", but you know what I mean. From the outside looking in, I was just "going through it," but, to me, I SWORE my family wanted to commit during my first few months, which, actually wasn't that long ago. The fear/paranoia creeps up, but it's not as often and not nearly as bad. Just one more thing that keeps on healing.

 

Anyway, I am SO happy to hear of your improvement. You surely went through it. I can't believe some of the stuff I read. But, as I would hope, I'm sure it makes recovery THAT much sweeter. I am so happy to have read your recovery. I'm sorry you still suffer (or at least did at the time you wrote this) from insomnia. But, I'm confident that will improve, too. I already prayed for you right after reading that. I am literally full of joy that now, after all that you've been through, you've found peace. Your story is horrific. I, too, went to treatment, but they gave me medication. I can't believe you did a TRUE C/T with no med assist. I LITERALLY laughed out loud (thank you!) at the comment about your tip toeing around so much with tight butt cheeks. LOL! I feel like this whole ordeal has been more like "doing drugs" than when I was actually on Xanax. Like what an acid trip must feel like or something. Well, again, so happy for you. Many, many blessings to you.

 

Prayers for sleep to find you.

Steve

[[ea...]]

Checking again....I have been thinking about WD stuff for a few days and realized it is again time to let things out, keep my friends up to date.

 

I am fine, but YES I do still have some symptoms. That weird music in my head is STILL with me - but I no longer "hear" it - it is just somehow IN my mind most of the time. Hard to explain this. I ignore it. At this point I think its become some sort of weird OCD-type habit. But I do not know for sure.

 

Other than that, only occasional tinnitis remains. And it no longer is bothersome.

 

Here's the not so good part. As I look back, I see more and more that what I went through was quite extreme, and I am positive that I had (may still have some) PTSD from it. No human can go through what I went through and NOT be traumatized. Sometimes I feel quite sad that I did go through all of it. Sometimes I am actually GLAD I went through it. Why? Because if I hadnt, I would be dead now. This I know as absolute fact. One simply cannot use/abuse benzos for 30 years and NOT die unless there is an intervention. And I did get that intervention.

It is well known that women are more severely affected by long-term benzo use. And what happened to me is classic...the every so slowly increasing fogginess, bad, poor decision making, loss of balance, loss of appetite, depression, weakness, many neurological symptoms, etc etc etc.  I went from doctor to doctor, searching for answers why these things were happening. No one, including me, connected the dots and figured out it was my beloved benzos.

 

Sadly, even NOW, if I tell a physician what happened, they tend to not believe me. I can read the scepticism in their facial expressions. "Hmm...this lady must be a little neurotic" is what they think. This is why I MINIMIZE what I went through to doctors now.  If I am a "neurotic" I am a damn normal one! LOL!

 

Well, here I am. 67 years old now. In July it will be FIVE years since I went cold turkey. Unreal. I am so grateful I survived. I am so glad I persevered against all odds.

 

Personal news, good and bad:

 

I lost both Peggy and Oreo in December and January this past year, 2016. Oreo had inflammatory bowel disease and wasted away from 11 lbs to 4. I had no choice but to have him put to sleep. This literally broke my heart, as he was one of the most special cats - ever - in my life. I STILL miss him. Peggy - well, she was 16 or 17, senile, and probably had bladder cancer. She was going downhill fast and peeing out blood clots. It was time to say good bye.

 

I miss them both dreadfully!

 

A month ago, I went across the street to meet a woman who moved into her house last year and is renovating it nicely. We sat in her back yard to chat. There was this HUGE black and gray striped cat there. She told me he "found" her back yard back in September, and she had been feeding him twice a day ever since. In December, she had him neutered. She said she felt awful because the cat cried to come inside, but she already had two indoor cats.

 

This big cat, who she called Bear, came right up to me - very friendly. The lady was surprised. "He usually doesnt like new people." Well, he liked me and I liked him! She asked if I would consider taking him in.  I said maybe - and told her about losing both my cats. Said I would think about it.

 

Well, I did. I went to visit Bear AND Mollie nearly every day for a week, and could feel my heart being pulled.....And - eventually I did decode to adopt Bear. The first few days were uneasy, as he was obviously frightened and worried he would lose THIS home. It has now been 2 and a half weeks, and Jackson Bear has settled in happily, is calm and very much my little friend. I just adore him. His name came about because she had called him Bear for almost a year, and he is a BIG cat with HUGE paws, a big nose and big yellow eyes. I prefer human names, and the Name Jackson came to my mind (for no reason). I now call him Jackie Bear. He sleeps on the bed at night, he uses his litter box, he loves to play (he is MAYBE 3 years old). I am so glad that chance led me to him!

 

My work is going well. Most weeks I work 5 days, but the cleaning business has its ups and downs. I recently lost two regular clients and am trying to fill those slots.

 

I finally had oral surgery, and got dentures. I am still in the adjusting to them phase. The surgery was less than two weeks ago, and my gums are still very sore from the bone grafts they did. My attitude is great - It is nice to be able to smile and laugh out louod withouot looking like a toothless hag!!!! LOL!

 

I will write more later. It is time for me to start my day.

Annie

 

[[wh...]]

Thank you for the update Annie. This warmed my heart! So happy to hear your good news. 

[[Bl...]]

I adored your story Annie about meeting Jackie Bear…sounds like a beautiful cat. Could you post a picture of him? Also good to see you are continuing to feel quite recovered from what was an amazing feat for anyone to tackle….getting off benzos.

 

What you said is so true…getting off these drugs saved your life. Since the alternative would have meant becoming less and less functional physically, as well as the inevitable worsening of cognitive issues. What a scary thought! I know I’m glad to be free of benzos/Z-drugs and to feel more like my old self the further out I get.

 

Also, I’m glad to hear you are a normal “neurotic”. Ha!

May you continue to enjoy you little friend, Jackie Bear.

[[me...]]

It's great to hear from you again, Annie.  Your new cat sounds wonderful - male cats are often very affectionate and not as feisty as females - my gray and white kitty is the love of my life and he always wants to be picked up and held or carried around like a doll.  He's 4 now.  I turned 67 a few months ago and am so glad I finally got off and stayed off benzos.  Getting old isn't easy but it would be far worse if I was still on them.

 

[[ma...]]

Hello there Annie!!

 

Its wonderful to hear from you, thank you for the update. So sad to hear you lost Peggy and Oreo, I know how much they meant to you.  I am happy you found Jackie Bear, i am sure he is getting spoiled lol.    I am sorry you still have stubborn lingering symptoms, I am sure with more time, they too will disappear!

 

Great to hear the good news that your still keeping busy....and new teeth!!! 

 

Love

 

Magrita 

[[ea...]]

I love all of you, and hope that those still going through it will hang on to what I have said. Holy Hell, if I can get through what I went through, SO CAN YOU!!!!! I am not Superwoman, I have no special gifts that helped me get through it all. All I did was read everything I could here on BB, and try to use the tricks everyone suggested. And they worked, oh yes, all those tricks worked.

 

I was readinig an old Time Magazine and ran across something that made a TON of sense to me. I am NOT a techie person so will just copy what is writtien in the short article:

 

How Trauma Can Change Lives --- For the Better

 

"Everyone hopes to avoid the worst that life has to offer - accidents, illness, violence and loss. Unfortunately, few get through unscathed. These episodes will inevitably cause great suffering. But, they can also be a powerful force for positive change.

 

This phenomenon, known as post-traumatic growth, was first described by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, who in the 1990's asked roughly 600 survivors how trauma had changed their lives. Most reported negative effects. But, to their surprise, a MAJORITY also reported positive changes.They said they had greater inner strength, were closer to friends and family, and were re-orienting their lives towards more fulfilling goals.  Their suffering acted as a catalyst, pushing them to change for the better.

 

I found similar results in my interviews (as have scientists around the world-). One woman, a professional extreme skier, was even thankful for an accident that almost killed her.  She lost her career as an athelete, but now she is an inspirational speaker, using her story to help others.

 

Growth begins with healing from trauma. But, people have the capacity to do far more than just heal. Ultiomately, they can become better versions of themselves."

 

Published in Time Magazine, August 2015

 

Reading this made me smile, because it is precisely what has happened to me. There were MANY moments back in 2012 that I didnt think I could get through it. I was sure I would either die or end up back on a miserable psych ward. I was so terrified and scared and so totally overwhelmed by everything that was happening to me. In retrospect, even now, I can hardly believe that I DID go through what I went through.  It was that awful, that horrifying, THAT unbelievable, even to a seasoned psych RN. And it all happened and came as a total shock to me. If anything, my descriptions of my CT withdrawal MINIMIZE what I went through! I could hardly believe it myself, and yet I also knew I should lighten it up or I would scare some poor soul out there. It was ALL that I wrote, and then magnified by maybe 20 X. No lie.

I dont know why I somehow managed to remain positive in the face of such horrors, but I did. And I believe that this (often faked) positiveness is what helped me overcome it all and end up being a far better, stronger person - just for having gone through such a traumatic event. God works in some strange ways.

I do not claim to be some special sort of person who always excels. HA! Not at all. But THIS time was THE ONE TIME I DID EXCEL, thank God for that. I am grateful to God, to my ancestors, to BenzoBuddies, and to many other entities, for giving me the knowledge base, the courage, the tricks to outwit symptoms, and for giving me the patience to wait it out. I can say this up front: I could NOT have gone through this without the love and knowledge and support I got here on BenzoBuddies. This wonderful place literally saved my life.

 

To all of you out there, suffering so much , please, please keep reading here on BB.  One of the "tricks" I learned here was to reach out to the newbies, and try to offer them support and good information. By sharing what you have learned, you are helping them PLUS reinforcing that knowledge in your own mind. Distraction really is your best weapon! No matter how you distract yourself from your misery, just keep distracting yourself......minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. For some of us, it can be a really long journey. But - if you hang in there and keep trying, keep distracting, keep learning as much as you can about this horrible benzo withdrawal, the more likely it will be that you, too, will emerge a winner.

 

My heart goes out to all of you. I know how awful it can be. How LONELY it can feels, since few people around you have any idea what you're going through. You may often feel like some isolated iceberg, floating waaaay out in the cold ocean. But youo really are NOT that isolated. Like me, probably your only "life raft" is Benzo Buddies. And that is JUST FINE! Since the medical world is so woefully lacking in knowledge about benzo withdrawal it leaves us to rely soley on each other for support and knowledge.

 

Bless you all....

east (Annie)

[[su...]]

Hi Annie,

 

Congratulations on your success story. It is so good to see that here. I know you still have a little way to go, but way to go.

 

Love,

Summer

[[ea...]]

Hello, all my friends, old and new. Yes, I am still kicking and still feeling better.  I named my Success Story well - it has been a trip and a bumpy one at that.

 

What I want to tell you is this:

 

No matter HOW awful you feel now, you WILL feel better if you just keep going. No matter how terrible your symptoms are now, they WILL get better in time. Our brains and bodies have an amazing ability to heal themselves, as long as we dont keep throwing in all those stupid chemicals.

 

It has been so long now, I am not sure HOW long it has been since I went CT. July 2012, I think. That is a long time, and my WD was truly awful, maybe one of the worst know here on BB. But I survived, and you will, too. Time has taken most of my symptoms. I still have that annoying and probably by now, an OCD habit of recurring music in my mind. It waxes and wanes, according (I think) to stress. I used to hear that stupid tune all the time and now, it is less prominent - but yup, it still exists. The human brain is so complicated and benzos DO disrupt it's normal functioning.

 

I seldom think about benzos now. Or my symptoms. The road has bee difficult to say the least. Perseverance got me here today, and it will for you, too. Never lose hope. You WILL recover! Learn everything you can about how to deal with your symptoms, whether its panic attacks, hallucinations, pain, whatever. I was reading some of my old notes this past week. I had forgotten how damn ITCHY my skin felt for weeks. Awful! Everything itched, even my gums. And the weird pain in my abdomen. So many bizarre things, and back then, I didnt think they would EVER go away~! I recall huddling on my bed, trying to hang on for dear life and praying I would make it through another hour.

 

Learn from other people like me, people who have gone through this and dealt with it. We know some tricks that helped and they can help you too.

 

I still believe that formost, your mental attitude is what will help you the most. "Fake it til you make it" or "act as if you feel better than you truly do" DO work. I hid how bad I felt for about a year and when I did "fess up" people were shocked. Acting as if I felt better than I did allowed me to focus on things OTHER than myself. It allowed me to try to help other people instead of focusing it all on myself. I tried not to wallow in my misery, because I sensed that would only make things worse. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

I had to have both Oreo and Peggy put to sleep several years ago. Broke my heart! But several years back, a new neighbor moved into a house across the street. When I met her, I met my new cat, Bear. He came running right up to me, as if he knew me. The woman was very surprised, because "he is scared of everyone but me." Well, he wasnt scared of me. I gave it some thought and within a few days, I adopted him. Bear needed a year to recover from the trauma of being abandoned at such a young age. But now, he is one of the MOST loving, likeable, gentle cats I have ever known. He chose me - and I am so glad he did!

 

I am tired tonight, as I woke too early this am. Much love to you all, and I will try to get back here soon when I have more time to reach out to you good people

 

Hello to all my old friends - and know how much you helped me. I will NEVER being able to re-pay the debt I owe BB! This place literally saved my life and I will never forget that.

[[me...]]

It's great to hear from you, East.  You really did have one of the worst withdrawals I've ever seen here, and you've come through it so well.  Healing can take years for some of us, it took that long for you and for me, but most people heal faster than we did and if they read stories like yours they can put their own withdrawal and healing into perspective.  It's great that you've come back to share your progress.

 

I'm glad you have such a wonderful feline companion.  I've had one too for 5 years now, and though he was an unwanted little gray and white kitten when I rescued him, he's got the most loving and doglike personality of any cat I've ever had in my 68 years on earth.