Eastcoast's Trip

[[So...]]

Hello Eastcoast: Your story is an absolute gem, and congratulations on your success! You have bee through hell and back sort of speak, and I am glad you are alive to tell share your experiences. I also love cats; recently I adopted two very loving kittens, but one of them got very sick with some kind of a fly larvea. I couldn't take care of him anymore, but my vet has adopted him and taking care of him. Hopefully he will survive.

 

Wish you much healing your way!

 

Peace and Love 

[[ea...]]

Simply Red once wrote a song that I have always loved and taken personally. I dont know its name, but the words are something like"

 

"I wasted all of those years....I wasted all of those tears...and nothing ever had the chance to be...because it could not be"

 

That is exactly how I feel when looking back on my 30 years of benzo use. I did waste all those years. I shed a helluva lot of tears on a depression I did not even have. I couldnt form good relationships because that could not be for me, while on benzos. Those drugs messed my mind and personality up so much it somehow stunted me and my growth as a real adult.

 

This is very sad. I wish it were not so, but it most surely is. Taking these drugs - plus psych meds for "depression": I didnt even have - caused me to lose an enormous amount of time, in which I COULD have been a lot happier. I could easily get angry about this. I DO have some anger about this. But I also know that anger at THIS point is fruitless.

 

I cant change what occurred. I cannot go back in time and do it all over - at least, not in this life!

 

I deeply regret getting to age 68 in the way I have. What a total human waste this was.

 

I know I help other people here, and sometimes, that is what comforts me. My work comforts me, as I always try to do a good job. But losing THIRTY years of my life to a DRUG is beyond belief and incredibly awful. And a lot of it is MY fault.

 

When I read YOUR posts and stories, my heart aches for all of you. SO many people suffering because of this drug or that drug. So many of you doubt you can get through this withdrawal. You are scared the damage is permanent. I do not think it is, for the vast majority of us. It is extremely hard for anyone to know how much of one's troubles are due to benzos or your original personality troubles.

 

Please be very careful when you take any new drug for any new thing. Do your research as best you can. But do NOT be scared of ALL drugs!  Many drugs can save your life in one way or another. I take meds for hypertension and dont worry about this at all. If I had a true infection, I would take antibiotics without question.

 

Speaking of other drugs. I have an implanted pain pump ever since I fractured my right femur (thanks to benzos). The pain from that injury plus breaking that knee was immense and beyond description. The pain pump helped where oral narcotics did NOT. But I HATE having the pump! It just reminds me of who I used to be. Several months ago, when I went to get the usual three month refill of the pump, I decided to start slowing reducing the dose of Dilaudid I get. The NP was very supportive about this. My dose has now been reduced by 4%. And I HAVE had slightly more pain. In the right leg, of course. Nothing I cant handle but yes, it does hurt sometimes. Only time will tell on this. My dream is to reduce the dose until I hit narcotic withdrawal....and then go from there.

 

Please, dear people, read my story and try not to let this happen to you! If you read my entire (and lengthy!) story you will begin to see patterns - things I did or didnt do or know. I would gladly welcome your feedback, because sometimes WE cannot see precisely how we sound or what we do that troubles others.

 

I want all of you - and me - to get better. We have suffered a huge injury, thanks to drugs. And only we can wade through the mess and heal as best we can.

much love,

Annie

[[Aj...]]

Hi Annie,

 

Can I ask how you deal with the loss.

 

As I came off and as I taper down again the overwhelming g sense of grief and loss due to 22 years of illness and the increasing clarity of my memories of my pre-illness life are just flooring me. I could cry all day every day for decades and still not come to any kind of acceptance of it..

 

I just feel so devestated by it and by the regret I have about making bad decisions. I am just full of self-blame.

 

I think the only way to feel better would be to be well enough to chieve something but I don’t think that will ever happen given all my health problems.

 

You seem to have come to some kind of acceptance at the total waste? Maybe I have that wrong but you seem quite positive.

[[Li...]]

Ajusta and east coast good morning.  It's me lilly21.  I want to say something about lost time but am searching for words.  Maybe because I never experienced "lost time".  More guilt.  I feel guilty that I didn't see this coming.  With all my education I had no idea I was addicted.  "Time" no one's perfect.  Make mistakes.  On or off meds.  Elvis, Michael Jackson, etc.  Drugs. I actually teach to not get started with them.  Really.  Benzo's are bad there are other's as well.  Alcohol too.  We abused prescription  drugs.  It happened.  All of us did.  Some wasted time.  But we are not out of time.  Set new goals.  Speak to young people.  68 is the new 48..... lol.  My father (RIP) worked till age 84.  Took dancing lessons at 75 as Mom past young he made a life for himself.  Went to the senior center, made friends.  The past is the past.  It's all good so get out and live!!!!!You got past this drug.  Now you can chase Rainbows :smitten: :smitten:

[[Fa...]]

East coast, I just want to say that if you are feeling compelled to be here, I hope it's because I have been praying to read stories that give me inspiration and hope to keep fighting this.  I've found that in your words and I've sent a PM or two in hopes you would respond. I am a 52 year old female in Florida and feel some common bonds, but most of all I admire your strength. Thank you for the time you spend here helping others. It's greatly appreciated, beyond words.

[[ea...]]

Hi FakeIt! I am so glad you read at least some of my story. Please keep in mind that my story is a bit extreme...not at all like yours. I used and abused benzos for 30 years. Willingly. The last 12, I had a legal prescription for benzos including Klonapin AND Ambien. And two ADs. Plus I went cold turkey. It is highly unlikely that YOUR journey will be as difficult as mine was. But no matter what, what you are going through now must make you feel...terrible. Helpless and maybe hopeless as well.

 

There is always hope for you.  The human brain will always, always try to fix things that have gone wrong. It may take some time for healing to make itself known. But it WILL happen as long as you do not add any new drugs into the mix. That includes alcohol, and many other things. Try to start thinking a bit differently....when something is wrong, we humans tend to reach for a pill. We have been bombarded with commercials and ads telling us that pills will help us. NOT always so! I am so very guilty of this sort of thinking. I have to remind myself often that a pill isnt going to fix a darn thing. Maybe a temporary fix. But long term, maybe not a good thing to do.

 

I was out on my front porch earlier. Its a small cement porch, nothing pretty at all. I was looking at my flower garden, which IS pretty. I have worked so hard making this ugly old building look nicer. And all the thanks I got from my landlady was rent raises. Makes me want to stop making it nicer here! But I do keep doing it because my neighbors are similar to me. A bit down on their luck and not at all wealthy. We all struggled to pay our bills. None of us will ever be rich. But here we are, in lovely Vero Beach, trying to have slightly better lives. My neighbors dont have any idea of what I went through. Oh, one sort of does - but I also know she just does not get it yet...because she takes Xanax, plus narcotics PLUS ADs. I can kind of see her future ahead of her and it makes me sad. But it is her life, not mine. She is is still in her 50's. She will either learn.....or not.

 

I know that benzos almost killed me. I know this from the utmost bottom of my heart and soul. If good old Dr Pinto had not finally seen, I would now be dead as a doornail (whatever that means!) Dr Pinto was the only doctor who finally figured it out...I was falling and acting so weak and frail because of my drugs. Literally, those drugs almost killed me dead. So, he forced me( indirectly), to go cold turkey. And I did. Nor am I angry at him now. I THANK HIM! He meant well, misguided a bit but I also know that the only way I could have EVER gotten off my beloved DRUGS was going cold turkey.

Not saying anyone should go cold turkey. It is not a safe thing to do especially if the person has taken a LOT of benzos for a LONG time. But on occasion, this does happen and it does not have to be the end of that persons life.

 

I am rambling. Sorry about that.

 

Jackson Bear, my adorable cat, is asleep on the other chair. This cat is the light of my life! He is beautiful, gentle, playful and highly intelligent. And he CHOSE ME, I did not choose him. I will never know what it is about me that made this lovely big cat choose me, but he sure did. Maybe I smell different...? I just adore him. It will be 3 am...I was asleep and perhaps having some weird dream. Bear will jump up on the bed and gently make his way up to my hands. He wants gentle petting, and starts purring immediately. A 15 lb cat purring is a helluva lot of cat! And this always make me drift back to sleep, feeling vastly comforted.

 

All of you...hang in there, please. Better days are coming for you, too. Just do not give up.

[[li...]]

Hi East , how are you

Glad to read some of your posts here...

I haven’t been here for a few months...I poked my head in yesterday...and came back in today.

 

It’s always nice to know you are doing well. We both went through horrible W/D and lived to tell.

 

Not much new with me...same symptoms...almost 6 years running now. Having a bad dizzy day today...I guess that’s why I showed up!

But I never give up......

I always come back to my first few days on here...you were the first one to reach out to me and listen and support me....all the while going through your own hell.....I’ll never forget that!

 

Take care....I’ll be in touch...

little

[[ea...]]

BUMP  - for new people.

 

little m - you know I will always love you. You have had courage to keep going! We little old ladies have to stick together,

 

Benzo withdrawal may be almost the worst thing you will go through - except for your actual death...and that must be scary indeed. Benzo people need to fight to regain their health, both mental and physical.

 

I often feel sad that I LOST so many years, due to benzos. And I took them willingly. But the results were awful. Now, I find myself at age 68. having lost many good years when I could have been doing other, wonderful things. I was too busy taking benzos in order to sleep. What a damn waste. I feel angry at myself for letting this happen.

 

But it happened and I cannot change  history. Here I am today. I went CT July 2012. It is just over 6 years. I no longer h ave constant symptoms. I have a few remaining tings that I THINK are benzo related, but they may not be since I dont totally understand how the brain works.

 

I have tried to be as honest in this story as I can be. Honesty became very important to me after going through benzo withdrawal.

much love to all of you

east

[[Pi...]]

BUMP  - for new people.

 

little m - you know I will always love you. You have had courage to keep going! We little old ladies have to stick together,

 

Benzo withdrawal may be almost the worst thing you will go through - except for your actual death...and that must be scary indeed. Benzo people need to fight to regain their health, both mental and physical.

 

I often feel sad that I LOST so many years, due to benzos. And I took them willingly. But the results were awful. Now, I find myself at age 68. having lost many good years when I could have been doing other, wonderful things. I was too busy taking benzos in order to sleep. What a damn waste. I feel angry at myself for letting this happen.

 

But it happened and I cannot change  history. Here I am today. I went CT July 2012. It is just over 6 years. I no longer h ave constant symptoms. I have a few remaining tings that I THINK are benzo related, but they may not be since I dont totally understand how the brain works.

 

I have tried to be as honest in this story as I can be. Honesty became very important to me after going through benzo withdrawal.

much love to all of you

east

[[ea...]]

Hi Pi! That was nice of you, to bump this up. I was going to but you beat me to it!

 

I know my story is extremely long. I would encrouage people who are really suffering to read, perhaps, the first 10 pages, and then scroll around and pick and choose various entires to read. If you read the whole darn thing, you would get OLD doing it! LOL!

 

Someday I may decide to try to get someone to publish my story in a book. I would SO much like to reach out to other people. NO ONE should have to suffer as I did! It is insane that this still happens. And it is a terrible shame on my country and probably yours.

 

So, if anyone out there knows a good publisher, let me know. I am a total novice at that stuff.

east (Annie)(still sweating in Florida!)

[[ea...]]

Hope all of you are doing okay tonight.

 

Please, always remind yourself that what you are going through is TEMPORARY. It is not permanent, No matter what you read, the VAST majority of people recover from this. People who do not seem to recover have other things going on...[perhaps abusing street drugs or alcohol along with benzos. There seems to be a cumulative effect when combing different drugs.)

 

Using benzos is risky business, but no matter what, you can and will get better. Always try to keep your attitude as positive as possible, even if you have to fake it. I faked it for several years and it sure did help ME. I doubt I am very different from you.

 

My heart goes out to all of you tonight. Those who are scared, trembling and so anxious they think they are going to die...please hear me now. You can get through this. You WILL get through this! You are strong enough to wade through benzo withdrawal...and find out who you TRULY are.

Annie.....smiling and hugging you

[[Pi...]]

Hi Pi! That was nice of you, to bump this up. I was going to but you beat me to it!

 

So, if anyone out there knows a good publisher, let me know. I am a total novice at that stuff.

east (Annie)(still sweating in Florida!)

 

You are welcome Annie! Hope you will write a book regarding your experience someday! All your posts are very well written and I am sure your book will be one of the top seller on benzo withdrawals.

 

Please continue to give your support to this forum especially for those who are still struggling like me. I, myself love reading posts that are full of compassion, love, and encouragement.

[[Pi...]]

Sorry, forgot to insert a quote and response. My apology!

 

Pi

[[ea...]]

I was in my car driving home today, and realized that going through benzo withdrawal caused some probably permanent changes in me. NOT necessarily bad ones. But just the very idea of this is bothering me a bit. What caused those changes? I am sure it is my brain, but it would be nice to understand WHY and HOW those changes happened.

 

I never gave two shits about clean floors. I walked barefoot - outside and in. I now have not done that in 6 years.

 

I never cared if my floors were grubby. I did not even own a vacuum cleaner until - MAYBE - I was 55. Those dates are very approximate because I honestly do not remember now. I THINK I used a broom to    sweep my floors, but mopping them? SELDOM. I didnt dust stuff back then either. About all I recall doing is wiping my kitchen counters with a wet rag.

 

Now, I am obsessive about my floors. I own 7 vacuum cleaners, for crying out loud! If I see a CRUMB on my floor, it gets wiped up! I also dust my apartment frequently.

 

What the frig happend to me? Is this a bad thing - or a good thing in disguise?

 

I want to impress on you something. I am NOT sorry I am off benzos forever. I am glad I am and proud of what I did, getting through a hellacious withdrawal. But I still would like to understand what it is that changed me...so much.

 

To all of you who are suffering: dont let this scare you. Getting off benzos was the absolute best thing I ever did for myself. Just because I now still have unanswered questions does not mean I regret getting off benzos. I dont. If I had continued to take them, I would be dead now...just like Michael Jackson, Rick James and Prince and so many others. I was THAT addicted.

 

Oh to hell with it all for tonight. Benzo withdrawal can be the worst thing you ever went through. But it may prove to make you a much healthier, happier person.

 

[[...]]

 

My heart goes out to all of you tonight. Those who are scared, trembling and so anxious they think they are going to die...please hear me now. You can get through this. You WILL get through this! You are strong enough to wade through benzo withdrawal...and find out who you TRULY are.

Annie.....smiling and hugging you

 

Thank you, Annie 

 

I have been faking it for a long time now... and keep going one day at a time. I find strength in whatever I can, testimonies of healing, just like yours', give me hope and strength... So thank you again.

Enjoy Living Life Being You 

Hugs,

Julia xx

[[ea...]]

To My New Friends,

I am bumping this up to make it easier for you to find it.

 

My heart is with you all. I know how awful you feel, having been there myself.

 

Please: Start at the very beginning of my story and read at least the first 10 pages. Then browse along and pick and choose things you want to read.

I always tried to be as honest as possible.

You may notice that I tend to be very hard on myself. I do. I admit this. Its a result of my childhood, and traumas I went through way back then. I have tried to change this but not been greatly successful.

I would guess that many of you are also too hard on yourself. This seems common to many benzo users.

 

XXXXXX

Love you all,

Annie

[[ea...]]

I am bumping this up to help several people who have private messaged me.

 

This is my story. It is long and wordy but I always tried to be truthful. The Truth can be difficult for a benzo addict to deal with but I sure tried.

 

I know now that I was both physically and mentally addicted to benzos for 30 long years. I added in alcohol, too. NOT a good combination. But here I am...healthier than ever before and happier in many ways. Going through withdrawal made me a stronger person and it can for you too. Just persevere. Do not give up no matter what.

[[ea...]]

Here it is again, up at the top.

 

The first 15 pages I tried to detail what I went through. The last 15 pages I tried to tell you how my life has changed now.

 

In a nutshell, getting off benzos was the best thing I ever did, no matter how hard it was.

I urge you to follow the same path.

 

BIG HUGS TO ALL OF YOU!!!! YOU DONT DESERVE THIS. BUT HERE YOU ARE, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT AS YOU CAN.

Annie

[[ab...]]

Wow, you are so amazing!!!!  Kinda in awe right now.  Thank you for sharing. 

 

 

Here it is again, up at the top.

 

The first 15 pages I tried to detail what I went through. The last 15 pages I tried to tell you how my life has changed now.

 

In a nutshell, getting off benzos was the best thing I ever did, no matter how hard it was.

I urge you to follow the same path.

 

BIG HUGS TO ALL OF YOU!!!! YOU DONT DESERVE THIS. BUT HERE YOU ARE, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT AS YOU CAN.

Annie

[[KR...]]

Great story!!  Your a true warrior!  My detox center was hell to....our poor brains!

[[ea...]]

Yes, our poor brains!

Most people do not understand how badly the brain is affected by benzos. I sure didnt know before. I know a helluva lot more now. And it is frightening.

Benzos changed me deeply in many ways. Mostly good since I got off of them. But those changes are still astounding to me. Becoming a "clean freak" still mystifies me! What was it about withdrawal that did this to me? Weird. Truly weird.

 

I consider myself pretty much fully healed now, despite one strange remaining symptom, the silly tune I often hear inside my head. That has faded away a lot but at times will reappear. I have no explanation for this, but I know it is a common neuro symptom with brain injuries.

Now dont panic, you all. NOT talking about terrible permanent brain damage! This is very minor and does not keep me from working normally, being happy or any other normal thing.

 

Benzos do affect the brain. In huge ways. And when we go off them suddenly, all hell can break loose! Did for me and many others. Some people have it easier but I was not one of them.

 

I will, to the day I die, pray that benzos become highly regulated all over this world. NO one should have to go through what I did, no matter what!

I do believe there is a time and place for benzos to be used: IF I was terminal, I would want benzos prescribed to keep me calm. Withdrawal will not matter if I am dying, right? When someone is facing the end of their life, ANY drug, including HEROIN, should be legally prescribed.

That is what I think.

[[do...]]

Wow that's an amazing success. And some of it I can relate to. I just pray that I turn out to be one of those people you all want to slap. you know one that just breezes through withdrawl in a few week's. I am just getting started so guess we will see. I went CT for just a few day's and couldn't handle it.  I am going to take it one day at a time now.

[[ea...]]

Hi Don!

Dont worry, I cant slap anyone long distance. LOL!

Thank you for reading some of my story. Every word of it is as true as I could describe it. Have you ever tried to describe a nightmare to someone else? Isnt it very difficult to do?  That is how I felt every time I attempted to describe my withdrawal. It WAS a very long nightmare, but one I finally woke up from....and then had to assess and survey the huge mess I had made of my life.

 

Withdrawal may be the toughest thing you ever do. But you will survive it. You will go on to new things, a new benzo-free life, and will start learning to deal with the issues that led you to benzos in the first place.

hugs to you...

Annie

[[ea...]]

I heard from a member who is considering reinstating. In fact, I think she/he will reinstate. I got to thinking about this.

 

IF I hadnt been so utterly fearful and paranoid about doctors back then, I probably would have done the same thing. I vaguely remember considering this, but my paranoia was so huge I just could not do it.

 

That fear probably saved my life!

 

I still do not trust doctors. Trusting them only brought me pain and misery. My current PMD is a nice man....a big, shambling sort of guy who does not dress nicely. First time I met him I thought he looked like a "country vet"! But I found that somehow reassuring. He wears droppy pants and usually some funky checkered shirt that looks unpressed. But he is kind and he does not ever try to tell me I am doing anything wrong. He allows me to control what is done to me. I like that. A LOT. Who cares if he looks like a country vet?

 

Trusting doctors got me nowhere good. But in all truth, my own personality is what got me into benzo trouble. I know this and do not blame that psychiatrist who prescribed ever increasing doses of Klonapin and Ambien for me. He didnt know what else to do and I most likely presented a picture to him of being highly anxious, depressed and an insomniac. He bought into this. Oh, it WAS real...but why?

 

What he did NOT know because I did not tell him - that I had illegally taken large doses of all sorts of benzos for MANY years prior. None of them legally prescribed. I couldnt tell him that because it might have threatened my Nursing License. I led about it. For about 20 years I self-medicated with benzos I took from the Med Carts in the places I worked.

 

That is the truth. I cannot be angry with him because basically I brought it all on myself....and only I could get myself out of the huge mess I had made.

 

I did. And that is the true miracle of my life!

[[ea...]]

I wish I could remember the name of the female physician who wrote that artivcle that helped me so much. She was Canadian. Somewhere in this vast TOME I have written, the name of the writer and the name of the article could be found. I dont have the energy to find it now!

 

She spoke about how WOMEN are affected by chronic benzo use/abuse. Seems to be worse for women. Everything about a woman gets changed and messed up when she takes benzos for too long. I read that article and my brain just lit up! I t was SO deeply reassuring to know that what I was going through wasnt all the unusual. Falls, fractures, falls again and social troubles, work troubles, legal troubles, falls and fractures....sounded just like me in those last 5 years. Oh Holy God what a mess a was, and how close to death I got.

 

Whenever you think you are alone out there, suffering and no one understands....please do know that some people DO understand and have been through it themselves. Almost all of the Mods here have been through hell and come back. SO many other survivors, and you can read their SS stories here. I used to pick and choose among them. I only read stories that sounded similar to mine. I took benzos almost every night for THIRTY YEARS! And in horribly large doses...self medicated. Well, it worked, I did sleep but it affected me so greatly over time it almost killed little old me.

 

You may be saying to yourself: "Oh...she abused benzos. She is some sort of junkie women. Hate to disprove you but I am not. All those years, I was working as an RN, saving lives and helping people get better. I was a damn good nurse, too. Many nurses, doctors, and even police people take benzos illegally and yet manage to do their jobs fairly well. That is reality, whether you want to know it or not. NOT saying this is a good thing. It is not a good thing.

 

But a street junkie woman I never was. My drugs (benzos onl;y) were obtained illegally, on the job, in two hospitals over 17 years. I never missed a day of work because of it. I know now that using benzos DID affect how I reacted and treated a few (rare) patients. No crime was committed except against myself.

 

You cannot write me off as some street junkie. I wasnt one. I was a respectable citizen who had ordinary problems and found a stupid way to aleve them. Period.

 

My love to you all who are suffering so badly. I know you feel awful. Please hang on and keep distracting yourselves!

Annie