Eastcoast's Trip

[[ro...]]

East,

  :smitten:

 

Rose

[[ea...]]

Aw Rose..how nice of you to stop by.

 

I felt bad that I was bitching about my neighbor earlier. I always forget that others may read it! I don't like feeling like I do about her - its not my way at all. I feel I have been pushed into it, by her behavior. That's not a good excuse, and I know it.

 

Rose - back at you:       

 

east

[[mi...]]

Hi east....

 

I have read many of your posts.....I am so happy to read that you have almost completely healed.....what a ride.... ....I do not know how we are all still kickin....but here we are.....nothing can stop us now...

 

Take care east....m ...

[[Co...]]

EC- wow what a journey you've been on!! I've read your post so much in the past I finally decided to print it the other day. Just wanted to thank you for posting such a detailed account of your experience. It definitely helps put my hiccups into much needed perspective. I'm so happy you've found your life back and I hope you continue on getting better!

[[ea...]]

Hi CoACO,

Funny, I just read a post of yours talking about how you always sleep with a fan on! I do the same thing and have since I was a child.

Hiccups could definitely drive one insane if they happened a lot......!!!!! I suppose you've tried all the usual remedies for it?

east

 

[[Co...]]

Yeah it used to be the radio- then I graduated to the fan  . I believe it's hereditary because my sister does as well as a few aunts/uncles on my dads side as well. I've lost count on how many motors I've burnt out in my short life!

 

Sorry- hiccups as in "speed bumps" on the path of recovery. I would get so stressed and worried about sleep- and the funny part is I DON'T SLEEP THAT BAD now a days. I usually get 6hrs, but it takes me forever to fall a sleep which is a completely new experience. It helps by reading your post where you say you get 3-4hrs, but STILL enjoy your life. Those are priceless words for me.

[Guest [Mi...]]

Yeah it used to be the radio- then I graduated to the fan  . I believe it's hereditary because my sister does as well as a few aunts/uncles on my dads side as well. I've lost count on how many motors I've burnt out in my short life!

 

Sorry- hiccups as in "speed bumps" on the path of recovery. I would get so stressed and worried about sleep- and the funny part is I DON'T SLEEP THAT BAD now a days. I usually get 6hrs, but it takes me forever to fall a sleep which is a completely new experience. It helps by reading your post where you say you get 3-4hrs, but STILL enjoy your life. Those are priceless words for me.

 

Amen to that, CoACO. East gives us many "priceless words," that's for sure.

 

East, my insomnia is rough, even with 25 mg of Seroquel. Just keep waking up early and can't go back to sleep.

 

I've had tinnitus off and on for the better part of the 30 years I was polydrugged. And I use this environmental sound machine. My favorite setting is White Noise which sounds like static. It really helps.

 

I can't wait til I can sleep without any meds at all.

 

Seems like a far away dream at this point.

[[Sn...]]

Hello

 

Calling all healed people

 

Do you not need to be fully healed before writing your success story as lots of people seem to have writen success stories but still have symptoms? This gives me false hope that I might never fully recover and I will have to live with some symptoms forever, these stories worry me!!!! Scared 😧

[[To...]]

Hello

 

Calling all healed people

 

Do you not need to be fully healed before writing your success story as lots of people seem to have writen success stories but still have symptoms? This gives me false hope that I might never fully recover and I will have to live with some symptoms forever, these stories worry me!!!! Scared 😧

 

I think the idea is getting to a point where the remaining symptoms don't really bother someones ability to function, ie tinnitus, twitching.

 

East, I am relatively new to the site and just read your success story! I am so happy for you, keep on keeping on

[[ea...]]

Thank you, To Battle.

 

To answer snobUK's question....There is NO rule that you must be 100% healed to write a Success Story. Read the guidelines for it....I think it says "mostly healed" which I most certainly am. snobUK, if you had read my story you would know that's true. I consider myself to still be healing because I DO still have a couple symptoms. But they are nothing I cannot live with, and live quite fully.

 

[[Co...]]

East...what a lovely inspiring and honest success story. I took great encouragement from it. I am at month 12 on Nov 3. I have had some nice windows along the way.  Somewhere lasting 12-18 hours ..some 100% in which I literally can not recall any of the misery. I had a 100% window 2 days ago and thought this would be my big turn around window, being that I was 12 months out and head pressure/s/x were my worst lingering s/x. ...Well, it was not my turn around window at all. Yesterday I had one of the worst anxiety attacks in months. ...Nausea.  headache..pounding heart, elevated b/p. ...and anxiety bordering on panic. ...I am depressed about the back step. Reading your success story has helped. When did you start feeling consistently better. like really better. ? I am in my 60s too...65 and sometimes I think it must be my age...that because I am 65 this is just going to take forever.. or kill me ( jk....I think).

.....Thanks so much East forward posting your story...we need all the current success stories we can get.....so happy for you that you have your life back...it was a very tough road for you...coop

[[sa...]]

Your stories is inspiring and gives me hope but you were not off for two years and stupidly took them again, that is why I am scared I am gonna suffer for the rest of my life

[[pr...]]

Your stories is inspiring and gives me hope but you were not off for two years and stupidly took them again, that is why I am scared I am gonna suffer for the rest of my life

 

i was off benzos for 7 years and stupidly got on the klonopin again. in large dose's too! tried to taper for 9 years after that. couldn't. another cold turkey. this feels like it will take forever. not up for it!

[[Pu...]]

OMG! You and I have SO much in common! First, you posted on my bday (yay!). I also had stopped reading. I am just now getting back into it. I hear singing and music as well! It sounds like you said - a men's choir! I also just started getting back into photography and art. I feed the squirrels, too!!!  I had a laminectomy as well (but it was for low back issues)  Hope you're doing better!!

[[ea...]]

Hello Everyone!

 

It has been a long time since I have been here. But you have been in my mind frequently. Why did I disappear? I know many of you wonder why people just vanish from BB. I will tell you why I did:

 

I lived, breathed, and functioned on BB for two years. I spent most of my time here, working through my own withdrawal, getting support, and trying to help other people. As time went by, and I finally began to feel like a human being again, I realized I needed to break away from the world of benzos" for a while, and just try to live normally again. I wasn't even sure how to do that! But I knew I had to. And - I did do this. A year ago, I began working again. I started with pet sitting, and quickly realized several things. Most pet sitting is with dogs, and I don't care for dogs much. I am a "Cat Person" and one of the rules I live by since withdrawal is to try to be honest, always. I realized I could harness my (mild) obsession with cleaning to earn me money. I started slow, but fairly quickly got more establish, collected a couple regular clients and was working hard. My business is now doing pretty well, for a 65 year old nurse who went through a horrible and length benzo withdrawal. I now work (usually 5 days a week. I have earned enough money to feel safe in trading in my ancient, rusting Hyundai for a newer and much nicer used car (a Toyota).

 

In my work, I occasionally run into clients who take benzos. In fact just this week, I met a lady who has multiple medical problems - and has been on a benzo for quite some time. You all know exactly why my radar went nuts. I talked to her carefully, and wrote down the name of this wonderful place, and suggested she read my Success Story. I hope she does, becausde to be honest, when  I looked at her, I saw myself as I was just a couple years ago. Wayyyy to thin, bent over, not very functional, in pain, and half crazy. It hurt me to see her, and to remember. But - it also made me decide to finally come back here and tell you why I disappeared. It has nothing to do with the function of BB: on the contrary, too this very day I credit BB with saving my life - literally saving my life. I have a deep, deep gratitude to BB.....strong and abiding gratitude that will never go away. Without BB, I would not have made it. Those of you who know my story know how bad my withdrawal was...perhaps one of the worst. Without the help and support and information I got ONLY on BB, I seriously doubt I could have held on as long as I did. A withdrawal, very severe, that lasts over 2 years is not something you can do on your own.

 

But I did get through it, and only because BB was here.

 

Do I still have symptoms, I know you want to know this. We all worry that it will never end. So - here is my truth on this. Yes, I still have a few symptoms, but they are so minor! I still have looping music on occasion  as opposed to every minute of every day. I still have trouble sleeping but have learned how to deal with that issue. Rarely, Ill get a fit of the "ceepy crawly skin" thing. Or the muscle twitches. Little things like that. The only lasting symptom is tinnitus, and even that has diminished. I have learned to ignore it - it wont hurt me, I know why its there, and it is a reminder that I shall never again take a benzo.

 

We all wonder how we are going to get through this. It can seem so overwhelming, so frightening, that we want to give up. I know I felt that way, despite my cheery attitude.  The lessons I learned here still hold:

 

1. Distract, distract, distract!!!!! It is the single best thing you can do to get through this.

 

2. Act as if you feel better than you actually do. This is an old therapy trick, and it truly works. Your brain will gradually start feeling more like how you are acting, your mood will improve, and it wont be a little white lie anymore.

 

3. Explore non drug answers to your symptoms. Learn how to meditate, do deep breathing, etc. Nothing exciting or new here - it will always be the same stuff you read about here all the time. Why? Because these things really do work.

 

4. Don't ever rely on a physician to guide you again. YOU are in command of your body, and you hired the doctor to do his job - not to run your life. If a medication is prescribed, do your homework before you take it. Read a lot of sources on the drug, not just one source. Get a feel for how dangerous the drug is, side effects, long term effects, etc.

 

5. Always, always, always have faith that this will end. You may have to fake this belief, and that is quite all right. Keep telling yourself that it WILL end - because it will. This is something BB has talked about over and over, having a belief that you will feel better. All the studies have shown that the VAST majority of people get over benzo withdrawal quite quickly. Its only a tiny fraction who are like me, with a lengthy and miserable withdrawal. I in a tiny minority, and I am glad you aren't one of us!

 

6. Do I worry about long term effects of having a bad withdrawal? NO. I don't. If tinnitus is my only remaining symptom, I can live with it.

 

Daggone it. I wrote a few more paragrpahs, good ones, and something happened and it all disappeared!!!! Sometimes, I hate computers, despite their obvious uses.

 

Benzos literally almost killed me. I came close to dying several times, and directly because of being on benzos. I lost two husbands, several homes, 4 beloved cats, my career and my health because of benzos. I lost a great deal. And for a long time I was angry at myself for this, then I began to mourn my lost life. I cried a lot, especially over my lost cats. I still miss Wilson more than I can say. But - when you properly grieve, the sadness eventually gets better. And I do feel better now. I have more energy than I have had for YEARS. My goodness, I wasn't supposed to walk again, much less work!

I look in the mirror and I see a 65 year old woman who is still pretty. I smile a lot. Ive gone back to loving clothing, dressing in stylish ways. I finally gave up the long hair Id spent several years growing out. I got it cut into a short bob, and I let it dry curly instead of spending a long time trying to make it straight. And I went from being dark brown to being dark red. I like what I see in the mirror now. Oh, there are things Id like to change, but who doesn't? I simply choose not to waste time envying other for the straight perfect hair, their perfect white smiles, etc. I have lived, nearly died, spent 30 wasted years on benzos. But there is no point in crying over this spilled milk. It is done ,over and never to happen again. I cannot go back. I cannot change what happened. It all did happen, and exactly as Ive written here on BB. There are too many years I don't even remember much about.

But it doesn't matter now, because I am not the same person, doing the same things.

 

No matter how bad off you are in withdrawal, someone else has been worse than you. And just about everyone does get better from this. We all tend to think that we are alone in our symptoms. But in truth, we aren't. And this is one of the reasons BB exists.

 

Read here and try to absorb the positive things. My advice to all of you is that if you are reading a post and its making you scared or uncomfortable, stop reading it and read something else. Withdrawal tends to make us vulnerable and open to suggestion. We are fragile. It is better to stay on the positive side of things, and this is why so many folk tell you to read Success Stories.  Find a few members you trust and feel comfortable with, and become their Buddies. Always try to be supportive of the newbies! Many are so lost ,so  frightened. They NEED us so much. Be their helpful guide - it will come back to you, like good karma does.

 

I probably will not be here much again, only to drop by as Im doing today. This is because I do still need to distance myself from

Benzo World". I hope you understand this, because feeling like this seems to be a fairly normal  stage for post withdrawal people.

 

I care about all of you. I always will.

eastcoast (Annie)

[[me...]]

It's wonderful to hear from you, Annie!  I've wondered how you were doing, and it sounds like you've made a full recovery.  I love the what you said about pet sitting, I'm a cat person too and I fully understand your issues with dogs.  I live in a very dog-centric city, everyone around me has a dog, but  I just love my two cats, one of whom has all the best qualities of a cat and a dog.

 

I remember how awful your withdrawal was, and how much you suffered, and I'm so glad you're flourishing now!  Every day we seem to get new members who believe they'll never heal.  They should read your story, a story of true long-term suffering and ultimate healing, and they'll be inspired to go on.

 

Love, Megan

[Guest [rh...]]

Thanks for such an encouraging post!!!

Been feeling quite depressed lately, thinking I'll never get better, and this has made my day 

 

I read a lot of your posts when I first joined and it's great to hear you are out living your life 

[[ro...]]

Hi east

What a timely wonderful post.

Now at the holidays when so many are down .

I'm so lucky to have met you here. Many times you encoraged me. And

Gave me hope.

I'm so joyous reading this.

Your new work.

You red hair

Honesty

Outlook.

A new car. ....

 

Your are living again. 

Thank you for reassuring and visiting buddies here

Yes. BB is an important place.

So happy for you

 

Continued healing. Peace. Happy new year.

Terry.  Rose.

[[Sv...]]

Great to hear from you Annie. Thanks for coming back an encouraging us. A lot of us are at that point of despair. Myself included. Let's all hope we fully recover soon!

 

Keep in touch!

[[Le...]]

Your success story had been an anchor for me when I first showed up here. I had no idea what an intrusive though was and though I had lost my mind to be honest. PJ's story, life4me's story and yours have been my salvation.

 

I am the perfect example of how I came here scared, having you wonderful people share your experiences made me feel like i saw the face of God. I knew I was under some effect of the klonopin, I knew I wasnt broken somehow. imagine the feeling, knowing who you are for your entire life then suddenly feeling as if you are some alien. Your story was a raft in the ocean of despair. I cant thank you enough, your story gave me hope, and 6 months out from my C/T. I can feel that it is getting better. Before these past few days I had a horrid month, but things feel different lately. I cant really explain it as it is still very new.

 

All of you angles who share these stories deserve wonderful and happy lives. You have no idea the amount of people you have helped.

 

God Bless you..

 

Leo

[[Mo...]]

Great news indeed Annie......thanks for sharing and all the best.

[[ma...]]

Hi Annie

 

Its so good to hear from you, I have thought of you often. I am so glad your doing well.  I know just how hard this journey was for you.  Thank you for the update, you always went the extra mile to help our members, I thank you for that Annie.

 

Red Hair!! I bet you look gorgeous girl!!

 

Mags 

 

 

[[ea...]]

Thank you all so much. I knew someone would remember me!

 

Leo, everything you said made perfect sense to me. The alien thing...oh boy, do I know that feeling. I spent SO many years on various benzos that the profound changes that were happening were unnoticed by me. Most of it was incredibly subtle, although the damage was, over 30 years, very severe. I simply could not see what was  happening to me.

It is still incredible to me to know what I went through in withdrawal. Its still really beyond my ability to fully describe what I went through, physically and mentally. I have tried to describe it, but have failed in many ways because it all - all the symptoms - were going on all at the same time. I had NO relief for what? a year? And then it was minor relief. How can you fully describe being in such a physical and mental state? It is beyond me. I know some people thought I was exaggerating my story. I wasn't. If anything, I downplayed some of it, out of fear of being thought crazy! I suppose there are some people who exaggerate their symptoms, needing sympathy - but I wasn't one of them. I believe that the vast majority of people here are telling the truth, and Im guessing that a lot of them are doing what I did: downplaying how sick and crazy they are. None of us want to be judged wrongly.

 

If someone had told me what would happen to me when I went cold turkey, I doubt I would have believed them. It would have sounded outlandish to me. Irrationally outlandish.

 

All those years I worked as a nurse,  even]

]when I worked on a detox unit, never once did anyone (patient,  co worker, physician, etc.) tell me what benzo withdrawal could be like. I honestly thought withdrawal would be similar to narcotic withdrawal: like having a severe flu for a week or two, Nausea, vomiting, muscle cramps. As a nurse, I knew that benzo withdrawal, like alcohol withdrawal, could cause seizures. But this was all I ever heard, all I ever read, about it all. Im guessing that my benzo patients were hiding how bad their symptoms were, just like I did - out of fear of being found insane. How sad it all is. How many people out there in our wide world are, this very minutes, suffering, scared, in pain both mental and physical - and not knowing that its because they take a benzo, or are trying to stop taking one? If they go to their doctor, its very unlikely they will be reassured, since most physicians are completely unaware of how it truly bad can be. They are not taught this, just like I wasn't in RN school. Why this information is loacking out there is beyond me. But I absolutely know that the correct information is NOT out there, unless you happen to stumble upon a site such as this.

 

I will never forgot my horror during the process I went through trying to find online support for benzo withdrawal. Lucky me, my first foray in online searching led me straight to a copy cat site (name wont be mentioned-) that is deliberately trying to discredit BB. I didn't have the slightest idea that such insanity was out there, and it scared me terribly. I thank my lucky stars that my next attempt to find help led me to the correct site: the REAL BenzoBuddies

was successful. And it was then that my slow journey into hell and back began, with the gentle arms of my Buddies reaching out to me.  I so very remember my intense need and hunger for reassurance when I started here. I read everything I could, day and night. I certainly wasn't sleeping back then, and I just stayed online reading and chatting and writing. I clung to every morsel of hope I could find. I memorized a lot of Ashton's works, because it affected me so deeply. Then, one day I stumbled on an article written by a Canadian doctor, about benzos and women. It was as if she were writing about me, what happened to me. It shocked me, because it was the very first time I had a clue that SOME of my accidnets, falls, divorces, money problems, social problems, were due to the little blu

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e pills I took each night for sleep! I just hadn't ever thought that, I had assumed all my problems were related to something negative about my personality, my childhood, etc. I was SO surprised, and SO relieved.  I think that after reading this article, I began to have a much better understanding of what had happened to me over 30 years. That and the information and support I got here was what made ALL the difference.

Annie

 

PS:  HI MAGRITA!!!!! You were of such enormous help to me. I have thought of you ofte. In many ways, you represent the ultimate Voice of BB. Thank you again and again.*-

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Oh, East, Annie! 

 

I remember you so well, we crossed paths many a time.  I've thought of you so often during your absence, and wondered how you were doing.  You were such an incredible support to so, so many people and it really touched me.  It's SO great to read such a positive update from you!  I'm just so thrilled for you, you so deserve it, thank you so much for taking the time to pop back in!

 

Wishing only the very best for you as you continue to heal, and reclaim your life, and move from one success to another!

 

Much love to you!

 

 

 

[[Le...]]

Annie-

 

If anything, this experience has served to understand how little people actually know if these pills. So many people are on this shit, how will they feel 5-10 years from now? Yet doctors still shill out these meds as if there were no tomorrow. Its sickening to know that we are the vanguard of a horrible trend.

 

I was seeing a therapist whom actually joked about how many people she sees who are on medication and who will probably never get off. To me that sounded awful.

 

I had no idea what benzos did. GABA glutamate and recpetors had might as well been chinese. It is only now that I can comprehend that there IS life after benzos and these pills are poison.

 

The trembling the inability to watch news...it was something out of a nightmare. Yet here I am. I read so much about this ordeal and it all made sense. Even as scared as I was, I felt that I knew this was not me. I had never been scared of anything. I trembled, thought i was broken, or that i had some sort of new condition. All the tell tale textbook marks of wd..

 

Bb saved me. Even during the waves, the hardship, work. I would pull out my phone and read stories. My God, If its was up to medical profrssionals I would have still been on meds. Ironically enough. A panic attack is what got me on Klonopin. 1......panic attack....imagine that.

 

"Leo, this is a minimal dose, dont worry about it"....

 

My vengeance is to live as if I were never on benzos. I have lost time to make up. Symptoms be damned. I and lots of us in our communuty should have never been on these meds. Regardless, our recovery is inevitable so we might as well start practicing on loving life again, yeah?

 

So we battle on!