Eastcoast's Trip

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Oh holy god. I just read my first post on this SS. Memories flooded back. Stuff I had forgotten. And what I have just sort of realized is really odd. I went CT July 2012. Thats six years ago.I now realize that when I moved to this rental apartment, I truly WAS still in WD.

 

People tell me I am strong. Maybe I dont truly know how strong. I managed to sell a house, pack up all my belongings, and made an enormous pile of stuff on the curb for trash pickers and trashmen to go through, pick up or take. I did this while still in severe withdrawal. Can you even imagine?  I recall that when I ,oved here I was still in quite awful DP and DR. I was still weak and my sleep was NOT good at all. I still had other symptoms but nowhere like they were 2012 through 2014. Looking back, I realize that FULL healing did not truly happen until perhaps 4 years had gone by. Believe it or not I am still kinda confused about my own timeline. Perhaps it doesnt really matter, because of how well I have done SINCE going CT!

 

The human mind is amazing in its ability to shade things, hide things that are painful, and to recall things that matter and do not. And that we survive benzo WD is truly amazing.

Annie, scratching her curleyjjjjj  haired head and rolling her green eyes!

[Guest [NM...]]

😊 We humans are incredible! Hats off to you!!

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what month did your anxiety leave ?

 

Great job 

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I cannot truly tell you a specific date when anxiety finally went away. And it does not matter, because everyone has their own rate of healing. All you need to know is that my extreme fear and anxiety disappeared.With BWD, you cannot compare yourself to others. Doing that will only discourage you, because we all heal at our own rates and speeds.

 

Fear, anxiety, ominous feelings and feelings of impending doom are extremely common for us. I had all of them. Plus more. Over time, this crap faded slowly away. It will for you too. You just have to hang in there, and learn how to distract yourself from it all. Learn all sorts of coping skills, all of them will help you get through this mess.

 

One of the things that helped me the MOST was trying to help other people here. Yes, I am a nurse, so my mental slant is towards that. But I have noticed that the people on BB who attempt to help others, no matter how they try to do this, seem to do better. I THINK this is somehow part of faking it til you make it. There are so many people here who need support. Who better to do that than someone who feels the same way? IF you only focus on YOU, and YOUR awful symptoms, you will not be furthering your recovery from it all. Reach out to others here, and try to help them in any small way you can. Doing this over and over will help YOU feel better about YOURSELF! Get it?

 

Human beings are intelligent but I honestly believe we are the worst species created. We are the only species who kills, tortures, for PLEASURE. An animal, like a cat, will kills because of its wild inheritance. Kill and be fed. We humans no longer need to do that, but we kill animals and people just the same....for sport, for pleasure, for Religious religous reasons, for political reasons. What a load of crap that is! My indoor cat kills palmetto bugs, and if I had mice, he would kill them too. But a human can kill just because someone angered them, or because of unrequited love, or some other stupid reason.

 

I long ago stopped loving my fellow humans. Let me qualify that. I DO love many humans. But nor do I trust many of them. I am totally disgusted with the human race and how we have ruined our wonderful, beautiful planet.I am also so ashamed of my own country right now. People elected a total fool of a man to be president. A man so vain he combs his hair over his large bald spot. A man who internally hates women, blacks, and any other person of color and a different religion from his. A man who would push the "Red Button" without a second thought. This is so incredibly horrifying to many of us.

 

Yes, I know this has nothing to do with withdrawal. Allow this old lady to rant a bit. I spend all my day cleaning, then I come home and try to help people here. MY plate is full. I am allowed to let off steam. LOL!!!!!

 

Guys. Just hang in there. You too, will reach a point where withdrawal is NOT the main focus of your life. You will be able to get on with your life, and make improvements in it where you can. You have to be tough to get through this stuff. And just by finding your way here, you ARE capable and tough enough.

 

love and hugs to all of you...and hang on tight...its a bumpy ride......

Annie=-

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“I am totally disgusted with the human race and how we have ruined our wonderful, beautiful planet.I am also so ashamed of my own country right now. People elected a total fool of a man to be president. A man so vain he combs his hair over his large bald spot. A man who internally hates women, blacks, and any other person of color and a different religion from his. A man who would push the "Red Button" without a second thought. This is so incredibly horrifying to many of us.”

 

I concur 100% Eastcoast! Trumps 5th ave. cult has no idea he conned them. Trump couldnt give two good shits for his supporters. They are the only ones who refuse to see he used them for their votes and to worship him. It is absolutely disgusting! Hopefully he is a one termer and we have learned out lesson: Never elect a lying-racist-greedy-conman president.

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What a total mess we have made of this lovely country. I am deeply ashamed. Deeply!

 

This last election only worsened my hopes. Here in Florida, the Republicans once again won, despite very active support from NON Trump people. In the am, I listen to the local R&B station (a very Black station). They were pushing people to go vote for several months. But we did not win...again. This ios terribly discouraging.

 

I do not know what has happened to this country. How we got THIS far from our ideals. If you have any ideas on this, let me know. I am almost beyond words  now.

 

Oh phooey on politics! America was once a proud country, one who had morals and stood above other countries as an example. NOT NOW. I am deeply deeply ashamed of being an American now.

 

Okay. Enough of politics.. We all need to get a decent nights sleep - and cannot do that while we are getting pissy about politics! LOL!

 

Talk to you later, Windwalker...and that is a gorgeous name you chose!

east 

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thank you

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Hi East,

 

Please note that we don't allow political discussions anywhere on the forum.  That has been the case for over two years now.

 

So, please, no more politics, or we will have to take further moderation steps.

 

That goes for everyone else as well.

 

 

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Oh! I didnt know that Megan. Sorry. I think of my SS as a personal diary except it is open to the public. I write about things that upset me. NO more politics. LOL!

 

To my fellow BB people, we shall leave the discussion of politics OFF the public forum. BB has policies and they do it for good reason.

 

Just know that if you feel as I do, you are not alone.

 

Now, back to the serious business of benzo withdrawal. Politics truly ARE a waste of our time, because nothing about it is going to be better no matter what we do or say. I just needed to let off steam.

Annie :D

 

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Oh! I didnt know that Megan. Sorry. I think of my SS as a personal diary except it is open to the public. I write about things that upset me. NO more politics. LOL!

 

To my fellow BB people, we shall leave the discussion of politics OFF the public forum. BB has policies and they do it for good reason.

 

Just know that if you feel as I do, you are not alone.

 

Now, back to the serious business of benzo withdrawal. Politics truly ARE a waste of our time, because nothing about it is going to be better no matter what we do or say. I just needed to let off steam.

Annie :D

 

No problem, East.  I have strong opinions myself, in the same vein, but mostly keep them to myself. 

 

Megan

 

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I recently have heard from several people here who seem to going through the same thing I did. While on a brain affecting drug, they were misdiagnosed with some truly awful neurological diseases, just as I was. I suspect that this happens to MANY people, but because they dont go through withdrawal, they believe they HAVE those awful diseases. This is a terrible thing.

 

Consider me. In my 60s and on benzos. Diagnosed with several things, including fibro, CFS, MS and even Parkinsons! IF I had stayed on benzos, I would have believed this crap, and at that time was even considering moving permanently to a Nursing Home. ONLY by going through a horrific withdrawal did I find out I had NONE of those things. It was ALL caused by benzos. UGH!!!

 

So, if YOU have diagnosed as possibly having some awful disease, and it started while ON benzos, get through WD and I would bet you will then find out you do NOT have any awful disease. Benzos MIMC diseases, especially neurological ones. This is pretty well known out there, at least by a few physicians who ALSO took benzos and this same thing happened to them! Dr Ashton sure knew it. Now I know it. And you should too.

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Thought for the G.day:

 

NEVER GIVE UP. WITHDRAWAL MAY TEST YOUR LIMITS. IT MAY BE SO UNPLEASANT YOU CONSIDERING REINSTATING. PLEASE DONT.

 

GETTING THROUGH THIS MAY ULTIMATELY BE THE BEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

 

Hang on tight....it may be a bumpy ride. But the result may astound you!!! Sure astounded me.

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Just read something on the Insomnia Board that upset me. Someone is considering KETAMINE infusions for insomnia. This is sheer madness!!! You are trying to get OFF benzos, but are considering having ketamine infusions?? This is sheer madness! Ketamine is a powerful drug and not much is known about long term usage. Do you really want to experiment with yet another drug???

 

All you will be doing is putting yourself again at risk,. as if benzos were not enough.

Ketamine acts as sort of a tranquizer. It works on your brain.  Taking benzos does help you sleep. But over time., benzos (like alcohol) actually disrupt normal sleep. When you stop taking benzos, isomnia can oftenbe severe.

n

Why any sane person would consider ketamine infusons for benzo WD related

insomnia is completely beyond me. Utter madness, and I hope IO dont ever read another post about this crap.

east, tired and hoping some of you are attempting to think clearly. Ketamie infusions for benzo WD insomnia is utter madness.

east, scratching her head in utter horror and frustration!

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Friends, think THREE times before taking some new drug for what bothers you. That sort of thinking got you into trouble with benzos and it is time for you to ST//OP thinking some drug will cure you. NONE WILL.

 

It is up to YOU to fix whatever is wrong with you. Therapy, groups, support groups, but NOT drugs. You are the only thing that can help you.

 

Getting off benzos was awful. Do you really want to set yourself up for yet another miserable experience??

 

You have to learn how to cope with your issues without drugs. It is that simple and as soon as you get this, you will start the long process of truly getting well.

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Busy week. Cat sitting in 2 homes and one is a long drive for me. Plus cleaning every day this week.....but I am glad because last month was NOT good financially. I will do much better this month.

I have a lot of bills to pay. Don't we all? Oh, how I wish I was rich and could relax just a bit. Maybe rich people worry just as much. I wouldnt know.

 

Florida is finally cooling down a bit. A high of 77 today. LOVE it! If it was like that all year, I would love Florida. But it isnt. Summer lasts SO long and is so brutally hot and humid, with millions of insects invading your home. It sometimes feels like a war zone! LOL!  Annie VS Insects - a war I will not win.

 

Beart, my cat is just the most wonderful companion. He is independent but also quite needful of my love and attention. If he is not sleeping, he will be found next to me. During the night he naps and he plays, and I can hear him batting his toys around at 2 am. But eventually he needs soothing, and gets up on the bed, and he butts his bead head against mine, purring loudly. I pet him and he often snuggles down next to my head. In the mornings, he starts "singing" at about 6:30 am.....meowing in a high voice with these cute chirping noises. It is time for "Mommy" to get up and feed me, is what he is saying. He may get back on the bed and bite my leg through the covers, or pat my face with one big paw. This is not something you can ignore!

People who do not have pets kinda bother me. Animals add so much to ones life. Love, laughter, kindness, and brings out the better side of us stupid humans.

Any fellow CAT people out there??? I would love to share cat stories with other Cat People.

One of these days I will figure out how to post photos online and will show you how gorgeous Bear is!

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Hi Annie,

 

Your cat Bear sounds wonderful.  I've had cats all my life, and even i was a kid, my mom raised Manx cats, one of whom was a grand champion.  That was in the '50s, and most purebred Manx today are descended from or related to those cats.

 

Over all the years, i've had so many wonderful cats - Puffball, a deaf white Manx with a "stumpy" tail, who was my first, he was born when i was 6 and lived to be 15, a long time in those days.  Then there was Pangur Ban, a champion odd eyed white Manx (my mother gave them all Gaelic names), and many years after that, Skimble, a gorgeous long tailed golden Manx, so loving, andsuch a wonderful companion after my husband died.  Now, i have a darling gray and white boy named Artie, not a purebred, but the most loving and doglike, in a good way, of all my cats. He herds Cleo, my little tortoiseshell, just like a sheepdog, never hurting her but bumping her and moving her right along, steering her where he wants her to go.  He also knows how to open doors, and i've even seen him open a door, let Cleo out, play with her for awhile, then chase her back into the room, and close the door on her.  I didnt believe he was doing this on purpose at first, but after he did it a few times, I knew he was.  Both Artie and Cleo were rescue kittens, and it turns out they are the best! 

 

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This is Artie:

 

https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/661gWyrThUDHhF8LjlK9QwLNJwfypdD2HSno9GXCXeP

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I wrote you a nice reply last evening and computer world disappeared it! Arties is a gorgeous cat. He is a Cow Cat, like Oreo was. White with cow like black markings. SO pretty.

My Bear is a black and gray tabby ( a mackerally tabby) with the softest looking face imaginable. He bas some tan mixed in with the black and gray. BIG yellow eyes, big nose, BIG everything!  He is not fat and weighs 15.5 lbs. Built like a football player...wide shoulders, a waist, and fairly small hips.

 

One of the cats I lost that last year in my old house (6 years ago) was all white with blue eyes. Stone deaf. But you never would have believed that. He was very intelligent, and loved to play tricks on me. He truly had a sense of humor. I adopted him as a kitten and he lived 10 years. I loved him so much and lost him to cancer. I still miss him.

 

We seem to have some seriously trouble people here now. I am having trouble explaining faking it to several people. They just don't get it.

 

What happened to a member who used to be very active here, especially on his Blog? I cannot recall his name, but he was always claiming to be dying, yet also refused to go to the ER. Lived with his parents, even though he was, I think,. in his 30's??? Do you know who I am talking about? If I heard his name I would know it right away.

Annie

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Annie, Bear sounds like a wonderful cat!  Some male cats are very large, usually a good deal larger than small females.  Skimble weighed 15 pounds but had a large frame.  His dark gray brother, basil, weighed 23 pounds and looked like a musclebound gray Bobcat.  He was shy and very smart, though.  At the time, we had a tiny 6 pound adult female tabby cat who controlled one end of the house. If Basil went in there she'd attack immediately and chase him out.  It was hilarious watching the 6 pounder chasing the 23 pounder.  That tiny cat lived a long time and was the queen of all she surveyed.

 

Blue eyed white cats are often deaf, but they learn to feel even slight vibrations so are usually not hampered by it.  I love white cats.

 

I can think of several members who might fit the description you give, and we are going through a bit of negativity on the forum, but that may be holiday related, i don't know.  Hopefully, it will pass.

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Annie, didn't I read on your blog that you're still taking IV Dilaudid or some pain killer?  What's that for? 

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Well, HI Becksblue!!!! I remember you. How are you doing now???

 

I have an implanted pain pump. It was put in 11 years ago after I fractured my femur and blew apart a knee replacement....thanks to benzos. My being on benzos for so long affected my gait and balance horribly. Back then, I fell almost every day and sometimes more than once. Beck, I was a walking train wreck. The pain after femur surgery was immense. Oral narcotics oly made me feel sick and stupid. My pain doctor suggested the pump, and it did help. It delivers a teeny tiny dose of Dilaudid into my spine, at the level of my right leg. The drug never ever makes me feel "snowed" or high. Last year, I decided it was time to see if I really need that drug now. I am slowly reducing the dose, 2% every 3 months. So far, no increase in pain.

 

The femur is the largest bone in your body. Breaking into thousands of tiny bits of bone is extremely painful. Several surgeons told me I would lose that leg. I asked that one particular surgeon consult, because I knew he had Army Field experience during war). I had worked at that hospital, so I knew all the surgeons. He said the same thing but said he would try to save my leg. And he did.

 

Damn benzos for doing this stuff to me. But in all truth, I was responsible for what happened. I no longer blame doctors. I was at fault.

 

 

Megan,

This site seems to be having computer issues lately! No big deal. I woprk around them. Bear is a true Mackeral Tabby. His markings are very outstanding. I just love his build, a bit husky but not fat, and I have always liked BIG kitties.

Have you ever figured oput why cats appeal to you??? There has to be a REASON why Cat People prefer cats. I have mny own ideas, but would lopve to hear yours.

 

Negativity on BB is chronic. That is why this wponderful place exists.BWD IS a horrible things for some people and going through something so awful does create negativity. It is very hard to fake it whenb you feel so bad. This was terribly difficult for me. To this day, I honestly do not know how I stood what I went through. Going through it taught me that I amn a lot tougher thabnn I knew, but -  for God's sake, why does anyopne have to suffer SO much, because of teensy tiny little pills? I find this incredibly awful.

I will hit send because BB is having some sort of internet troubles tonight.

much love, annie

 

 

[[Be...]]

Annie, glad you're doing better. I'm doing horribly.  I'm very sick every single day with bad stomach aches and a sore hip and leg and inner trembling and bad head pressure still since I got off the pills over six years ago.  I have too much external stress on me all the time every single day.  I live alone and have no one here to help me with stuff.  I'm especially afraid of the rain we get here all the time because I have to worry about roof leaks here.  I've had to get on the roof a million times to apply sealant and caulk because of all the rain and roof leaks.  I'm in hell!

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OH! I am so sorry. I live alone too. In some ways that made WD easier but in other ways harder. I read so many posts fronm women with families. They get no true support during WD, but they are still expected to take care of everyone. Looking at it that way, maybe you and I are lucky.

 

I got off psych drugs 6 years ago too. I God, it is so terrible. I nearly died because of damn benzos. Only luck and perseverance saved me.

 

Why is your hip sore? Do you have arthritis or maybe bursitis??

 

Beck, we all have daily stress. That is just part of being alive. NO way to avoid it unless you stay snowed by drugs....and we both know that will only end in an early death. Stress and worry are just a part of being human. But - we DO have some control over how we react to stress!  When I feel super stressed, I have to tell my mind to slow down,, and NOT let this problem get to me so much! I tend to over-think things, making small problems feel way too big. I always have to work on this tendency, because in all truth,. my life now is NOT so bad. I am not rich and I live Social Security check to check. But I have a home, a car, a wonderful cat, and some beautiful objects in my home. I dress nicely, thanks to Thrift Shops.

 

I think we both need to focus on what IS right and good about us. Benzo WD almost did us in. But here we both are now. We are alive. Isnt that what matters the most?

Night night, my old friend,

Annie

[[Be...]]

My problems are not about worrying too much and they're way more than just daily regular stress.  My reality is that I have too many external forces acting against me which I cannot control and it's literally killing me!  Tonight it rained and I had a roof leak in my bathroom vent again.  No one will help me with the roof.  My hip is injured because everytime it rains, the roof leaks and I have to get a heavy 8' ladder out and get on the roof and put sealant up there myself and caulk.  I nearly fall off the stinking ladder too everytime I get on it.  I got out of my nightgown and put my clothes on and climbed on the stinking roof again in the dark cold rain and sprayed sealant up there, then came inside and had to rinse all the green sealant off my legs and hands and then get back into my nightgown and lie on the sofa.  I'm always on my back on the sofa at night and can't sit up, until I have to jump up and discover a roof leak again and then get on the roof and try to fix it.  That vent just keeps leaking and leaking.  No one lives like this.  No one I know of has this kind of insane stress on them.  I'm almost 58 years old.  I walk with a permanent limp now because my hip is permanently injured from having to get the stinking ladder out and get on the roof.  I've gotten on the roof about 100 times now this year because of all the damn rain and roof leaks.  I'm in hell and my life totally and completely sucks and it's cursed.

[[me...]]

Megan,

This site seems to be having computer issues lately! No big deal. I woprk around them. Bear is a true Mackeral Tabby. His markings are very outstanding. I just love his build, a bit husky but not fat, and I have always liked BIG kitties.

Have you ever figured oput why cats appeal to you??? There has to be a REASON why Cat People prefer cats. I have mny own ideas, but would lopve to hear yours.

 

Negativity on BB is chronic. That is why this wponderful place exists.BWD IS a horrible things for some people and going through something so awful does create negativity. It is very hard to fake it whenb you feel so bad. This was terribly difficult for me. To this day, I honestly do not know how I stood what I went through. Going through it taught me that I amn a lot tougher thabnn I knew, but -  for God's sake, why does anyopne have to suffer SO much, because of teensy tiny little pills? I find this incredibly awful.

I will hit send because BB is having some sort of internet troubles tonight.

much love, annie

 

Well, I was raised with cats, from the age of 3.  I speak cat, and bond with them instantly.  I grok them.  That doesnt mean that i dont love some more than others, and have found male cats, neutered or not, to be the most doglike and affectionate.  Mine are all neutered now, of course, but back in the day my mom's males were toms/studs for her Manx cattery.

 

I'm an extremely shy person, very reserved, so are many cats, so we get along well.  Several years back i was in withdrawal and all alone so i decided to get a dog, did a lot of research on breeds, and finally bought a purebred keeshond puppy.  Big mistake!  He took one look at me and knew he could dominate me.  It didnt go well.  he was very wolflike and showed me no affection.  You can imagine what the "potty training" was like. I had no desire or inclination to be in a constant dominance battle with him, and soon realized it wouldnt work.  So, i returned him to the breeder and didnt even ask for a refund.  She thought i was strange but she got to sell him twice so in the end she did well.

 

That was my only experience with dog ownership and there wont ever be another!  Cats, chickens, and the occasional small parrot are the only pets for me!