Eastcoast's Trip

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Good Grief!  You're right, you win the Benzo Withdrawal From Hell First Prize!!  That is some story, my dear.  Change your WiFi password and boot that gal out of your life?  And, sunflower seeds are cheaper and squirrels love them too.  A big big bag of birdseed is very economical, i believe.  The shells can be messy, I suppose, but not so visable as peanut shells. 

 

A great success story.  Bitch away if it helps but it's probably happier making to just play with your critters and enjoy your new life!  You're an inspiration!  Martha

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Thank you!!! I needed to hear that, Calendula (I like your name...I love marigolds!)

 

Not a good day with the damn neighbor. Two days ago I reminded her that the WIFI payment is due on the third. She said " I thought it was the 6th." No, because the first month, J didn't get paid until the 6th and I agreed to a late payment. I asked again this am, and she was pissy, didn't give me an answer. J came out a little later, so I asked him."I don't know, let me ask her." All day, no word from either. A little while ago, I went outside and she was there, so I asked again. This time she got quite mad, and said that "We discussed it being J's responsibility, and you KNOW he doesn't get paid until Friday." How the F____ would I know that? I don't keep track of when he gets paid. "You went WITH us one Friday to get his check!" Geez, and I was supposed to know he gets paid every Friday?!? For all I know, he gets paid every month, and by cash! I really don't know. Well, after that things disintegrated badly. She began yelling, called me a liar, and "full of crap." I said several times that her finances and the tension about them between her and J are HER business, not mine, and that this is a debt like any other. I told her that I had been counting on the money for food, which certainly is true this month. She again said that I KNEW I wouldn't get paid til Friday, then said several times that I started reminding her NINE days ago. That simply is not true. She is like a child, a spoiled child...turns nasty when she doesn't get her way. Kept saying, "we will pay you and then you can turn off the WIFI." My response: Look, I did this as a favor to you. I went to a bit of trouble doing it, and in truth, I pay 137.00 a month for cable and internet...$20 is a huge bargain." Nothing I said made a difference...she was very nasty and went inside like a brat. I am really upset about this. I do not handle anger well, I KNOW this. But there was no reason for her to talk to me like that, call me names. She and J have chronic money issues. She is a spendaholic. He avoids financial responsibility (so does she!) Together....well, what a pair. And the suet cake ran out yesterday, and of course she hasn't bought anymore...."The birds will be dependant on it." Give me a fu___ing break. I told her from the git-go that Im not a bird person! I bought the stupid suet because I thought the squirrels might like it. They didn't, but my woodpeckers did so I kept buying it. 92 centas a cake, and she wont buy any. I am not buying more suet. Period.

As for the WIFI - well, I don't know yet. It is tempting to cancel it, but.....I just don't know what to do yet. I guess...IF she apologizes and pays me, I will let it go for now....but I probably shouldn't. I dislike this kind of tension, I really hate it. Maybe I just need to stop being so freaking NICE.

 

Stillnot sleeping well. I had severe bronchitis for a week and that kept me up, but Im better now and its the same old thing. Had to reschedule my neurologist apt until end of July due to lack of money.

 

A dear friend of mine said in an email that I "must have not been too bad off last August" because I managed to move here. Oh girl....you just don't know. I WAS bad off. I was still in DP/DR, things didn't look real. I was flying on autopilot, forcing myself to keep going, forcing myself to "act as if" I was better. Big time! Its funny how everyone's attitude towards W/D can be so different, and I still think that attitude can help you recover. I have no proof of this, it was always a gut instinct. I always just "knew" not to focus on symptoms. I felt doing that gave them power, made them worse. I still do this! I may sound like Im healed....Im not. Yes, Im a helluva lot better. But there are lasting symptoms, and poor sleep is only one. I just choose NOT to go into detail about it .

 

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When I got up at 5 am, threy had stuck an envelope under my door, containing $20. So.....how come they couldn't give it to me yesterday? Am I being greedy or grasping here? When she first asked about using WIFI, my gut instinct was not to because of how they are with money. But I wanted to be nice, wanted to be liked, so I agreed. I am angry at myself for being that way. As for greedy....well, Ive been accused of that before. Its hard to know. I mean, this is a real debt, monthly....and I shouldn't have to ask for payment. I think. I don't know.

Nothing written on the envelope. So I don't kn ow if J or she paid it. I have a hunch that now, they are saying "F___, we paid her, we are without guilt." I did not sleep well at all last night because of this tussle. Not that I ever sleep well, but last night was worse and I recognize why. I feel guilty, and I also think that's a little crazy! As for reminding them 9 days ago - I don't think so. 9 days ago I was very sick with bronchitis and simply trying to get enough oxygen in. Maybe...I did mention it?? But I know I didn't "remind" them. And even if I HAD --- SO WHAT? If they weren't defensive about money, it wouldn't have bothered them! I just realized how true that is.

I just realized that I am treating this like my BLOG! This stuff should go in my blog! Oh well. Im really only writing to let off steam, not to let anyone know how Im doing. It helps to put it all into words, black and white.

Gums have been itching and burning a lot lately. I wrote my PMD and asked if I could switch to another HTN med.....no reply yet. The dentist thought the symptom might be from the beta blocker. I no longer think its a withdrawal thing. Not EVERY symptom is w/d!!! Though we all have a tendency to think that. For a long time, I thought it was from anemia but my recent labs do not reflect that. That's why I asked the dentist.

Off to feed squirrels....my little joy these days. I look forward to Squirrel Time a lot. Though I can ill afford all the peanuts! And peanuts are BAD for squirrels (if that's all they eat-)(Like a pet squirrel).

But at 1.30 a lb, its the cheapest thing. Last month I bought 2 lbs of shelled raw almonds...price was good on Ebay. Funny, but some of the guys refuse the almonds. One guy only loves pecans and I don't have many of those.

 

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I guess its war. Went outside to check my laundry. She was out there, so I said hello. She answered but obviously is avoiding me. Didn't say anything more, which has not been our way. She has moved her chair off to the side, not near my chair. Oh, grow up, lady. This is over $20, for cryin out loud. And it was a debt, and I wasn't out of line to remind you.

 

I never should have gotten into this. Amen.

 

It is so hot outside. 92 degrees and humid. Every summer, I am reminded why I hate Florida....heat and bugs. Yuck.

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Well, neither she or J are speaking to me. I noticed last evening she is now throwing bread out by her patio, not near her birdbath. What small minded people they both are. Over $20. I suppose they think that's true of me, too.......but I know I wasn't in the wrong reminding them.

 

I am having trouble with this whole thing. It just seems so petty to me...maybe Im not seeing the big picture. But at least I think about it and I doubt they do. They haven't said they want "out" of the deal....if I were petty, Id cancel them and not say a word. Its tempting, believe me. Will have to think about it.

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I wish I weren't so upset about this. But I am. I have tried so hard to be nice to her....saving the crosswords for her for months, giving her my homemade cookies, many other things. Hard to believe she would end a friendship over something like this. But shes making it very plain. To be honest, I think shes trying to "woo" the squirrels over to her side of the yard.....since she got her check yesterday, she obviously sprung for sunflower seeds. And yes, all the little guys were over there today. I know, I know...THIS is being so small of me! But for cryin out loud, Ive spent months attracting all the wildlife, spent a lot of money on them. Birds and squirrels. Its been my main hobby and love for a long time now. I know they will be back..they love the nuts too much. So it isn't that...its her sneakiness, her being so contrary, and so obviously wanting to hurt me. Its all so childish, and yet, I am upset and hurt. Which is what she wants me to be! I  now feel like I cant even go outside, because she is always out there smoking and ignores me. Its uncomfortable. Its childish. I am so sorry I got into this.

[Guest [Mo...]]

You're a fighter! You made it and thank you for coming on board and sharing with us. We need more success stories and I am soooooo happy for you. Sorry that you lost 4 of your 5 cats :-( but you made it through that too.

 

Many blessings and may the healing continue! 

 

Hi Annie, thanks for posting your courage, your awful W/D so that people like me gong through such bad W/D's also can see there is hope at the end of the tunnel.  I too let my house go, my health go, despite being into natural healing for many years.  It was so easy on Klono just to tune out everything that needed done, and relationships also..... that's the worst part, the self-isolation.  I lived in my bedroom, I had to lay down all the time.  I can't stand being in there now, even to sleep.  I was 9 yrs on Klono & other bad pills.  I feel like I lost that time, now I want to make up for it.  I grieve over what I lost, my youth, my energy, my life.  God bless you Annie, lots of love 

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Thanks, MG. I needed a word of encouragement today. I am feeling quite low. I normally don't spend much time here now, but today its once again a lifeline.

Annie

[Guest [Mo...]]

Thanks, MG. I needed a word of encouragement today. I am feeling quite low. I normally don't spend much time here now, but today its once again a lifeline.

Annie

 

I totally understand, it's hard when no one understands. They expect you to function like a normal person when we are dealing with one of the hardest things ever.  This is worse than my 2 car wrecks, and many other horrible things I've been through because I don't know when I will be well again.  Not having control over the anxiety/high b.p. is miserable. . I know the isolation makes it hard too, and where I live ppl aren't friendly to begin with.

 

Hang in there sweets, much love 

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hey annie,

 

i've been reading your posts. sorry you are so upset with this lady. i think that some of the withdrawal may be magnifying your feelings about this. i mean, you said yourself that you were not completely healed, right? it could be.

 

anyway, i hope that it resolves. i would be upset too. you know what helps me with things like this is "The Presence Process" by Michael Brown. i am on my second 10 week run with this book and journey. he goes through in detail how to integrate and deal with things like this -- you should check it out if you're interested.

 

 

sending you love

 

pretty

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Thanks, both of you. Pretty, I don't think its related to w/d. I was like this before I ever took a benzo. Too sensitive, low self esteem really. W/d actually made me less sensitive: I was way too busy to get upset.

Im more isolated NOW. The benzos made me act stupid and I lost many friends, and made new friends with other pill takers. I don't hang with them now, so that leaves me very much alone. I don't like to dwell on this, really. Not my way. I have run out of projects here, and am sick of cleaning and the apartment IS clean! If I had a way to switch bedrooms (my plan-) I could work on that. But I was depending on J to help and he's not even speaking to me.

I would like to say something to her, but she hardly comes near me. When we have crossed paths, I am pleasant. But she doesn't stay long enough to talk. So childish. I know I hit a big nerve with both of them - they have been fighting between themselves over money. She feels he is irresponsible, he feels the same of her. Now, they are united in their dislike of ME! So weirdly, I brought them together.....reminds me of a Modern Family episode Ive seen where the two gaya men are brought together after a fight. One of them's sister tried to help them out, and they bonded over their annoyance at HER! People!!!!

I am bored. I am broke. I am trying not to let all this get me too down.

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One thing about this mess that bugs me is that I know they have talked to some of the other neighbors, given them a very skewed version of what happened. I can tell by how Im being treated. This is how they are, and its sad and I shouldn't be upset. But I am.

 

The landlords new handyman came to fix two wall outlets. Another winner. This one hardly speaks English. Managed to blow the power to the apartment....he didn't turn the power off when he worked! Where do they find these people? And he left a big old mess. Im actually grossed out he touched my pillows on the bed! Id go wash 'em but its so wet out and the laundry room will be gross (its sort of halfway outside....typical in Florida.) God almighty I hate being poor.

 

I am in a foul mood. Too wet to feed my squirrels, and don't want to run into my lovely neighbors.

I feel stuck inside, trapped. And poor.

Oh POOR ME!!!!

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Pretty, I don't think its related to w/d. I was like this before I ever took a benzo. Too sensitive, low self esteem really.

 

i understand and a little too sensitive myself even before benzos. sometimes i wonder if people like us are attracted to something like a benzo because of the ultra sensitivity?

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Pretty, I think you're right. Benzos numb us. And maybe we want to be numb sometimes. I know right now I feel very raw,sharp.

Just went outside....I cant believe she did this. But she was nailing up her own set cake feeder. After all that fudss she made about me "making the birds dependant" on suet! Doing this is a clear "F____ You" message, I get it. Loud and clear. Shes now creating her own little bird and squirrel area. I bet next she moves the cement birdbath that we both used to feed them. I know that's next. I simply cannot understand the depth of her nastiness. I know I hit a nerve, but I also know that I wasn't nearly as nasty and ugly as she was. I know Im better off without her. I know this and yet.....I really feel slapped in the face right now. Rejected.

Annie

And its effing raining again, and there was an ant in the bathroom. They always come in when it rains. Im sick of tracking in leaves and dirt. Sick of humidity and frizzy hair. Sick of Florida and sick of being poor!

I need some way to cheer myself up. This is ridiculous.

Thanks for listening.

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sorry you're going through this annie!

[Guest [Mo...]]

 

 

Pretty, I think you're right. Benzos numb us. And maybe we want to be numb sometimes. I know right now I feel very raw,sharp.

Just went outside....I cant believe she did this. But she was nailing up her own set cake feeder. After all that fudss she made about me "making the birds dependant" on suet! Doing this is a clear "F____ You" message, I get it. Loud and clear. Shes now creating her own little bird and squirrel area. I bet next she moves the cement birdbath that we both used to feed them. I know that's next. I simply cannot understand the depth of her nastiness. I know I hit a nerve, but I also know that I wasn't nearly as nasty and ugly as she was. I know Im better off without her. I know this and yet.....I really feel slapped in the face right now. Rejected.

Annie

And its effing raining again, and there was an ant in the bathroom. They always come in when it rains. Im sick of tracking in leaves and dirt. Sick of humidity and frizzy hair. Sick of Florida and sick of being poor!

I need some way to cheer myself up. This is ridiculous.

Thanks for listening.

 

East have you considered getting out and joining a senior center?  I used to be a program manager and schedule fun trips for the seniors.  Many were poor, and could go free of charge to places.  We had a blast!  I would put that stuff with the neighbor behind you & focus on being happy sweetie.  Many senior centers serve lunches, everyone has a great time.  There are many lonely ppl out there, give yourself a chance for happiness & meet some good folks 

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Okay, this is weird. Yesterday I had several moments where I was sort of back where I was about 12 months ago. Visual disturbance: was looking at my new towels and the pattern looked very "dimensional". Cant explain this better. And I had several moments where my skin was again super sensitive, clothing felt scratchy. Thought I was done with this. Its gone today, so I am not going to worry about it. These things happen...my brain isn't fully recovered, I suppose.

 

The War With L and J continues. I said hello...she moved on. I plan to say something to her, if I ever get the chance. I notice the WIFI light blinking a lot.....I guess they don't want to cancel the agreement! But I will still offer, if I get the chance.

 

Read a few posts here lately and found it so depressing. Its the same old stuff...same whining that drove me nuts before. I do try to help the newbies, though. They are so scared, feel so alone. I still remember how that was.

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MG, I appreciate the suggestion. But even though I am 64, I don't look or act "senior." I am mistaken for age 40, and I feel pretty good despite my medical problems. Senior Centers (I am an RN, and have been to quite a few-) cater to the old. Bingo, card games, shuffleboard. At least here in Florida, they do! My old neighborhood had two of them, and there wasn't a single activity I wished to join in.

But in essence, the idea is good. I have tossed around many ideas, so far,none have worked out. I will keep thinking.

 

Neighbor - we are speaking now, but its tense. And nor do I want to resume our previous "friendship." Her feeding the squirrels over in her part of the yard pisses me off  no end. Of course, the little guys know ME and come right up to me. That wont change! They know a good deal when they find one. Squirrels are opportunistic! But her feeble attempt to steal the show is annoying and childish. I am no longer so upset, however. Just very, very wary.

 

I have decided to change bedrooms, move to the front room. The noise from the rear neighbors continue. And most of all, my current bedroom has that gross and ugly little patio, home of ants, spiders and lizards and they get in through the patio door. I have a little vacuum right there to sweep them up! Every damn day! The front room isn't quite as nice, it has a little window, but heck I don't look outside anyway. But J is now working two jobs, even though he is again speaking to me. So, who will help me move the large stuff? I just don't know, yet. I will find a way. I ev en ordered a new comforter that comes with a set of curtains. And plan to buy a new rug. I love decorating and I am good at it.

 

Ever since I was on the steroids, I am so hungry. And poor right now, so Im reduced to eating canned vegetables and crap from the cupboard. I am grateful I have those things, don't get me wrong. I made a batch of lemon shortbread cookies (my latest addiction-) that will last a few more days. But I am trying to eat more healthy...so canned veggies is it. I think I have $20 and change to last until the 16th.

 

Both cats are shedding a lot. Oreo threw up twice yesterday...once was last night, right on the bed. Had to get up and change the sheets and I had JUST done that! Then again this am, on the hall rug. Hardly ever does he barf on the tile floor. Peggy threw up yesterday. So Im continuing to try to brush their coats every day. Peggy loves this but Oreo doesn't. He's gotten more used to it, but.....since he has no front claws, when he tires of it, he bites. Shame on the person who declawed him! He is such a nice cat, so loving and gentle. He has rather delicate front legs.....graceful. He's getting a little tummy now...have to watch that. Peg's weight is fairly stable. She has that skin condition again. I think she is allergic to fleas and I also think they both got infested several months ago. I put on a spot treatment but wonder if it was any good. It sure made a mess, not like the good stuff (which is way to expensive for me). Peggy is once again asserting dominance over him. Shes been sleeping on the little rug in my bedroom (Oreo claimed the bed-). Today, shes sleeping in the basket I made for him  when he first came inside (in the second bedroom). She looks so cute in it. Oreo goes in it now when he's sulking...in the evening, which is always Peggy's Time on the sofa.  He goes in the basket and I have to pick him up and carry him to the bed! Not easy! But I know his feelings would be hurt if I left him there all night, and I would miss his company. Last night, he slept up by my head. That is unusual, he usually sleeps at the foot of the bed. I usually go to sleep with him plopped on my stomach....apparently, his old owner did this. He began doing it immediately.

 

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Hi East! I've been reading through this post....sounds like things have not been going that great for you....I'm sorry.....hope things turn around soon for you....I miss you! Will PM you now...

Thinking of you.... Little m

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Thanks, little m. Ill read your PM in a minute. I am doing better than this all must sound. I use this space as my place to let off steam. Like a diary. I always forget that others will read it! I have my bad times, I also have good ones. Not all is dark.

 

Can you believe it - my neighbor bought PEANUTS!! And she isn't shelling them! I was upset last night. I went outside at 8:30 to try to see the big full moon. I saw their door was open about a foot...and S, their gorgeous white cat that looks like my Wilson, started to come outside. I jumped over and shooed him in and shut their door. I was furious. How irresponsible they are about their animals. This am, I saw her and let her know...she said thanks...but that's all. We chatted for a while about birds and squirrels but nothing personal and that's fine with me.

 

Watched Oliver Stones "Doors" movie last pm...upsetting. Dark and sad. Did remind me of when I was a hippie, though. But compared to Jim Morrison, I was a freaking saint. How sad that he died...along with Jimi, Janis and so many others. I guess I really fdo have a strong will to survive!

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Im so tired today. Cranky. Didn't sleep well at all last night and woke at 4 am. Tried to return to sleep...no go. Got up at 5. Been yawning off and on all day. Wont try to nap - why disrupt an already fractured sleep pattern? It would be easy, though....

 

My neighbor. Oh she makes me nuts. She has all these "wise" observations about the wildlife we see, and her vision is poor, and she isn't even out there much. But I don't argue or correct her...why bother? She isn't going to listen to me. J left their door open again last night...I watched for their cats. Thank god they didn't try to get out again. One of these days, her beautiful Sam is going to get out....and run over. I just know it. And I love that cat so much. Hes like Wilson, part Siamese. He's not deaf, though.

 

The new comforter arrived - I like it. But where are all the other parts of the order? Hate when companies do that! Its gray with  dark yellow bits, sort of an Ikat pattern. I will order a rug in the next couple days. Overstock had several nice ones for under $100. Change, change....a good thing. Funny - I have always hated gray. Now I find it calming. Still hate browns, though. Blechhhh!

Thunderstorm today. Everything is once again wet, and the ants will be coming in soon. This always happens. Its their nature, I understand. Im glad these ones don't look for sugary stuff! I don't know WHAT they want. Hate the little f_____ers. And I am not fond of Florida at all!

 

Sorry to be a downer. Its the weather, and poor sleep at work.

[[li...]]

The weather here has been awful! Rain rain and more rain and storms! It does make a person feel worse than they should!

Hope you get some much needed sleep!

Glad you are back here! You can vent all you want here!

 

Much love, little m

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Last night, rather poor sleep. But that's nothing new. I somehow survive. It doesn't normally hit me til mid afternoon....then, BAM. I start yawning. I stop drinking iced coffee at 3, maybe the caffeine wears off by then.

 

My neighbor....oh, she gets to me!! She mixed her suet with seeds to entice the squirrels over to her side of the yard. I cant help it. I have worked for months now, building trust with these animals...they KNOW me, come right up to me. I think its so petty of her to do these things. She had epidural shots for her back, they didn't work (of course. They seldom do, and if they do, it only lasts a short time.) I again said something about her getting the pain pump. Without thinking, I said "It will change your life.

DUH! She doesn't want to change her doped up life! Shes only 54, I think. Yes, I know...I was just as bad back then. That's why listening to her and watching her galls me so much....I see how I was. But it didn't take me long to get the pump, and yes, it changed my life for the good. That, and getting off Klonapin.

Made lemon shortbread cookies. SO good! I usually eat two once Im in bed, the carbs help me relax. Then I grouse about crumbs in the bed!

Ordered a 5X7 rugs for the bedroom. Indor outdoor, so I bought a good thick pad. I never go barefoot anymore, post withdrawal. The idea of stepping in something dirty - or bugs - makes me nauseous.

I am so tired.

 

[[pr...]]

I never go barefoot anymore, post withdrawal. The idea of stepping in something dirty - or bugs - makes me nauseous.

 

i don't go barefoot post withdrawal either or in tolerance withdrawal and i was a big barefoot person. it kinda makes mme sad how un-free i've become since this whole process and i hope that changes 'cause i really loved going barefoot most of the time and i think it's good for one to feel the Earth magnetic field when outside in bare feet.

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HI Pretty!

I doubt I will go barefoot again. I live in a city now. Even around the house....I also doubt my fear of bugs is going to go away. The idea of stepping on one gives me the willies.

 

My neighbor...I have to unload today. I had asked her for one of her muscle relaxers, as my neck was very stiff, painful. She didn't want to give me one. I asked another neighbor, and he gave me one. It helped. Today, she said she is moving her cement bird bath "over to her side." Said she would pay for the concrete block I bought for it. I told her it was $3.29, which it was, and maybe more! She hesitated, then said she would have to wait til she had enough money to buy a new one. She also gave back one of the bowls Id given her to put bird water in. Puhleeze. She smokes two packs a day, they eat steak, roasts, etc., every darn night. I know Ive bitched about how she treats their animals. I don't remember if I mentioned how much she swears. Every other word is f___ of s____. Her favorite is god_____. I used to cuss a lot, all hippies did. But I gave it up in public. In private, I sometimes still do. But never when Im with other people. Its a gross habit. Makes one look small and nasty.

I have written Dr P twice, asking to change me off the Atenolol. My BP has been constantly high for a year, and I want to see if its also causing the gums to itchy/burn. No reply. This annoys me. He says we are friends; okay, so at least write a reply to me. (Email) He started the beta blocker during the early months of withdrawal, for both its hypertensive properties, and its ability to slightly calm one down. I don't need that now. I DO need my BP lowered consistently.

 

I took a big step today. I answered a personal ad in one of thoe online dating thingamabobs. Hes a Pisces like me and born in the same year. Has long hair. Bet hes looking for a "young chick!" But heck, at least I tried. Right? Cant win or lose if you don't even try!

 

The pad for the new rug arrived just now (for the new bedroom-) but no rug yet. My neighbor JR put up the curtain rod for me yesterday. He is such a nice man - an ex addict (crack) and former drinker. He isn't a smart man at all, but he means well, and he is generous. A Jesus Person, know what I mean? Hes a real believer. An d who am I to argue with what works for HIM? He went through a really bad time on crack. Weight dropped to 90 lbs. He's 165 now. He's about my age, I think. Black man - used to live in Miami, then Stuart. Moved here for sort of the same reasons I did: small town, less drugs. He's twin sister lives nearby, too.