Eastcoast's Trip

[Guest [NM...]]

Yes, for people like you and so many many others. I find it sad that people STILL dont know how bad benzos can be when you take them and then get off them. This is a terrible shame on the world for letting so many people suffer.

 

I was just writing to someone here on BB. About (of course-) symptoms. I suddenly realized that I have not heard that weird, goofy tune in my head for maybe a week...maybe more! This goes to prove that healing does continue, long after you think you are fully healed.

 

My amygdala must have been terribly damaged, HOLY SHIT! This alone is scary. But I did live through it. And how did I do that? With a little (a LOT) of help from my friends here on BB. The things I learned here helped me survive an awful withdrawal. Helping others helped me. Its a give and take thing, and giving helps you perhaps more than it helps the other guy! I wish more of you would realize this. IF you only focus on the negatives (your fear, anxiety, pain, weird other symptoms-) you may not make much progress. But if you try to focus more on what IS positive, you may find you do better. No matter how bad your withdrawal is, there will always be something you still love, care about, enjoy. Focus on that instead of your misery. Getting your mind off your misery is a very important skill to learn.

 

Benzo withdrawal is perhaps one of the most unpleasant things you will ever experience. Your mind tells you that you wont heal, because nothing prepared you for this onslaught of strange sensations and thoughts. You wonder if you are permanently damaged. You may think you have gone insane. It is incredibly difficult to feel so utterly ALONE in this, because no one in your "real" life understands either. Well, you just have to depend on places like BB. You certainly cannot depend on physicians, even "addiction specialists" because even THEY dont know the full truth about BWD!

 

I will share something but will word it carefully so I do not offend any physicians out there who may read this:

 

One of my current customers for house cleaning is a psychiatrist. He is the Head of Addictions at a local mental health program available to low income people. He is a very nice man, and I like him a lot. I have told him only that I was addicted to benzos for years and went cold turkey. I told him 0 carefully, very carefully - that my withdrawal was horrible and symptoms of both physical and mental stayed with me a long time. I could tell by his face that he did not believe me. He did not say that but I am darn good at reading faces and body language. I believe he thought I was exaggerating, when in fact, I was doing exactly the opposite!!!! I was DOWN playing my symptoms. At that moment I realized I could not talk to this nice man about BWD because he simply does not know the entire truth. All he knows is what he reads in Psychiatric journals and what he hears in Medical conferences. The real truth is that the medical profession is TEERRIBLY lacking in knowledge about BWD. And nor do I think this will change any time soon. I believe that the drug companies suppress as much good information about benzos as they can. They are in the business of making money off other humans miseries. UGH!

 

I long ago realized than human beings are the worst species ever created. Humans kill for pleasure!!!!! Animals do not. They hunt for food, and sometimes sort of for play. (I am thinking of my cat, Bear, who does not go outside. But if he did, he would kill birds and squirrels, and NOT eat them, because a cat's instincts tell him to hunt - or go hungry. I do not hold this against him. He is - only a cat, bless his little heart. But humans have a huge brain, and they often CHOOSE to kill for pleasure, for religious reasons, out of anger, oout of fear, out of hatred for others, for political reasons. This makes humans disgusting to me. Humans have ruined this beautiful world we live on. The forests are disappearing, the ice packs and glaciers are melting, and we STILL keep doing what we are doing that is causing this. And politically - oh dear. I am SO ashamed of my country right now. The man people (not me!) elected as President - is a total fool, a man who degrades women, blacks, Asians, and just about anyone he does not like. A President who Twitters is.....beyond belief to me! God help us for electing this fool of a person. I keep hoping he will be impeached. It isnt happening. Maybe the November elections will show a better trend....but a helluva lot of people voted for Trump and maybe they just do not SEE what a creep he is or how foolish he is.

 

Sorry to vent on you guys. I guess I needed to.

 

Listen people: you WILL get through withdrawal. It isnt that hard, it is all a matter of being extremely patient, and playing a waiting game. Learning skills to deal with symptoms helps. Trying to help someone else helps a lot. Fall back on your Faith, if you have one. Learn whatever you can about what is causing all this ruckus in your mind and body helps a lot. Withdrawal from benzos can be very difficult, but I promise you, it is well worth the wait and misery you are in now.

Annie

 

Annie... God bless you. Thank you for continuing to post encouragement. I, for one, really needed this today. I’ve been on a direct taper off of 4 mg. if Klonopin since January. I was on 3 mg of Xanax from 1997-2004. A psychiatrist switched me to (longer acting) Klonopin in 2004. Looking back.  I see that my transition from X to K was awful. If I’d known then what I know now I tell myself. But I didn’t. I only knew that the panic attacks I lived with nearly 24/7 in 1996 and before were more terrifying to me than what I might go through if I had quit the benzos, mood “stabilizers” 🙄🙄 and antidepressants. I’d been in acute withdrawal in 2001 when my nephew stole my Xanax . I thought I’d be cute and take less than 1/4 of my dose for a week since he left some of the Xanax. Well, that didn’t work out so well for me. It was so scary. By 2012 I tried a quick reduction on my own and that also didn’t work out well for me. The DP/DR was insanely bad. FF to now. I’m at .75 mg of Klonopin. I’ve only missed a few nights of sleep in this past year and I’m so very grateful for that. However, this taper has been about the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. Even not seeing my child and his children for nearly two years. Another long and grueling story. The bizarre sensations, mental distortions, ups and downs etc. living in fear that this won’t ever end... nobody understands unless they have been through it. A true CT I really cannot imagine. The psychological aspects of this have truly been the hardest so far. Wondering (but somehow knowing that it will) if it will ever be okay. Looking back now I also realize that I was happy to have “checked out” so I didn’t have to deal with trauma. Just babbling here, unable to be more coherent and cohesive in this message... thank you again for giving back here. Your encouragement and history are amazing. As are so many here. 😊 ♥️

[[ea...]]

Healing from a benzo injury can be tediously long and very unpleasant and very scary. You cannot help wondering if this state is permanent. That is a normal reaction to benzo WD. Just about everyone worries about permanent damage, even though no evidence has been proven.

 

I will never take a benzo again except if I need anesthesia. I will NEVER take an anti depressant again or a "mood stablizers" again but I simply do not think they work and injure your brain further. The fewer pills you take, the better. Do not let yourself be an experimental drug taker, like many companies do with dogs and cats and monkeys! (And THAT should be outlawed as well. Inhumane, how we treat animals.)

 

NM, your story is so typical. Women seem to be more affected by benzos and other brain affecting drugs. We are the tougher sex, but for some reason these darn drugs do a real number on us. You are wise to keep on going despipte bad symptoms.

 

Healing does happen but for some people it takes a long time. And this is okay because you will always find support here on BB. You just have to ride it out and pray that what people here tell you is true. I KNOW its true, but you dont...yet. You will someday. And perhaps you will consider becoming a MOD here, and try to help newbies. Being a Mod here was a wonderful experience and one I am VERY proud of. And I STILL owe BB so much!

Annie (east)

[Guest [NM...]]

Healing from a benzo injury can be tediously long and very unpleasant and very scary. You cannot help wondering if this state is permanent. That is a normal reaction to benzo WD. Just about everyone worries about permanent damage, even though no evidence has been proven.

 

I will never take a benzo again except if I need anesthesia. I will NEVER take an anti depressant again or a "mood stablizers" again but I simply do not think they work and injure your brain further. The fewer pills you take, the better. Do not let yourself be an experimental drug taker, like many companies do with dogs and cats and monkeys! (And THAT should be outlawed as well. Inhumane, how we treat animals.)

 

NM, your story is so typical. Women seem to be more affected by benzos and other brain affecting drugs. We are the tougher sex, but for some reason these darn drugs do a real number on us. You are wise to keep on going despipte bad symptoms.

 

Healing does happen but for some people it takes a long time. And this is okay because you will always find support here on BB. You just have to ride it out and pray that what people here tell you is true. I KNOW its true, but you dont...yet. You will someday. And perhaps you will consider becoming a MOD here, and try to help newbies. Being a Mod here was a wonderful experience and one I am VERY proud of. And I STILL owe BB so much!

Annie (east)

 

😌 I would love to rest up and respond later. My (amazing) husband and I have had our daughter’s children (3 & 1) for the past day. I’m so tired I can barely form a coherent thought! 😂 Hey. I can laugh....... I know this is a good thing!!! Bless us all. ❣️

[Guest [NM...]]

Wow East thinks for sharing your journey! You certainly are a strong person who encourages so many on this site! Thank you for helping so many with your insight. I love reading your posts! ❤️

INDEED!!!

[[ea...]]

Just keep on going. This horror show will eventually work itself out. I was just PM'ing someone and the word "maze" popped into my head. BWD IS a maze, but one that can feel SO scary, SO horrible, you start to think you have gone insane. Nothing prepared you for this stuff. No one warned you.

 

You have all done the best thing possible for yourself. You found BB and began your long journey into health again. I am so glad you did!

 

If you have ever been in a true maze, you will understand this analogy right away. I was in one, once, when very young. I vividly recall the terror that overcame me. I was so afraid I would not find my way out, to safety. This fear almost crippled me, and if it had I wouldnt have  been able to find my way out at all. Back then, we kids didnt all have cell  phones, they hadnt even been invented yet! We were truly on our own in the 50's. Well, I did manage to find my way after some time and emerged into the sunlight soaked in sweat and dazzles by the sunlight and the feeling of freedom was SO immense!

 

This is very much like how I feel now, healed from benzos. I got through this maze, and found a lot more peace and happiness and health on the other side.

Annie

[[ea...]]

This SS  thread has turned into my personal diary. Hope you know that. I share things I wouldnt anywhere else.

 

Benzo WD is an incredibly lonely experience. Our family, friends and physicians do not understand or even have HEARD of what we are going through, and many of them just assume you have some other sort of psychological issue going on. This you cannot fix or change. You just have to deal with this in some way, and maybe writing about it here on BB will help. Did for me.

 

I have said this so many times I could write these words in my sleep or blindfolded: Your attitude may be your absolute best weapon in BWD. Trying to stay positive NO MATTER WHAT could be the most helpful thing you have done for yourself during WD. If you remain negative, and let yourself sort of wallow in your misery without ever trying to be positive, you are training your brain TO REMAIN DEPRESSED. IF  you start trying to be more positive, no matter what - if you start to fake it JUST A LITTLE, you will be re-training your brain to be more positive and more happy. This is not some weird little theory. It has been proven by researchers who know what they are doing and many therapists suggest similar things.

 

So, drop that sad, disappointed face and try to smile despite how awful you feel. HUMOUR is another wonderful weapon against BWD. I recall digging out my Richard Prior DVDs. I could barely figure out how to insert the DVD into the player, because my mind was so messed up. But I finally did and OH! I laughed my little ass off. Richard Pryor was a comedic genius. My symptoms stayed at bay the entire time I listened to that funny DVD. I also remember putting on videos of James Brown singing and dancing, and that too, helped me feel less floaty boat and more like dancing (even though back then I had to use a damn walker to move at all!) I did find I could"dance" just moving my arms, shoulders and feet a bit, but it was my MIND that really danced with James Brown and Prince and Michael Jackson.

 

Come on, people. Drop the droopy face and lift your own spirits in any way YOU find pleasurable (as long as it is something healthy and GOOD!) Pet your dog or snuggle with your cats, listen to music, watch a funny video, look at beautiful photos online...whatever will lift your wilted spirits. YOU truly are in control of this awful withdrawal you are in. But YOU have to start acting PRO-actively and not just lying around "waiting" to heal. YOU play a huge role in HOW YOU HEAL. Get your butt OFF your sofa and start doing stuff. Does not matter what you do. You could clean your homes like I did (and did quite badly, LOL!) or iron clothes (ditto) or work in your garden, or listen to music that calms you, or watch movies that make you smile and feel better. ONLY you know what your own "triggers for smiles" are gonna be. Now put that to use, people and stop being so damn negative.

much love to you all. I know this is something you never expected to go through. I sure didnt.

east :smitten:

[[ea...]]

Tonight I am feeling very frustrated. My mouse stopped working. I replaced the battery but it still doesnot work. I trotted off to damn Walmart and bought another mouse. IT doesnt work either. My laptop has a touch screen so am able to do basic stuff, but I have always relied on a mouse to get me where I need to go.

 

There is something about computer stuff that just...baffles me and makes me feel anxious inside. I wish I didnt feel like that but I do.

 

My cat Bear has been such a total joy to be around. I am SO glad he chose me, and SO glad I did adopt him! He has absolutelt blossomed living inside a home with me! He is now relaxed, happy and full of beans. He is also quite healthy now. No more partial urinary blockages, which he had 3 episodes of that first year after I took him in. He now often wakes me at ngith by gently walking up to my head. He sniffs my hair, and then gently butts his bog head againt mine, purring loudly. Now, that is Cat Love, isnt it? He is an intelligent cat...very much so. After living with cats for 68 years I know a smart cat when I meet one! This cat figures things out. He even hides toys just to be able to search for them later! He also kills pallmetto bugs, which are, in truth, just huge roaches. UGH! Florida life at its best (NOT!). I didnt even know I HAD palmetto bugs until I took Bear in! Oreo and Peggy were too old and too ill to kill anything. I consider Bear a Junior Exterminator.

 

On days I go to work, I have to bribe him with treats to get out the door. And when I come home, he is always waiting right by the front door. He accompanies me to the kitchen and I give him treats to settle down. He wants petting and loving and he gets that too. I am so happy I adopted him! He is a beautiful cat. A 15 lb black and gray mackeral tabby with a somewhat brindled coat. Thick shiny hair. A very soft looking face and enormous yellow eyes. This is a cat who makes eye contact, a true sign of intelligence. There is just something so endearing about this guy...I cant imagine life without him now.

 

God bless all the Cat People out there tonight. We are special.

[[ea...]]

Bumping this up for a new friend......

 

Go to the very beginning of this long saga. Read perhaps 8 to 10 pages at the beginning. You will find tou that what you are going through is NOT unusual at all. But it IS miserable.

 

Now. Jump ahead a few years. THIS old lady of 68, nearly 69 now, went through a simply horrific withdrawal and managed to survive...and ultimately, thrive! There is nothing special about me. I am not stronger than anyone else mentally or physically. I am an ordinary woman who accidentally became addicted to benzos and then started taking

  ADS to control the symptoms that THE DAMN BENZOS CAUSED!!!!  That is the real truth. I was NEVER depressed, benzos caused depression and other symptoms. ALL of my physical symptoms simply VANISHED when I got off benzos and ADS. God, that is so horrifying to me now.

 

The drug companies are living the high life on their profits made off people like us. I hope they all burn in hell, and I dont even BELIEVE in hell! Those people have made a ton of money off of people like us. I read today they have come out with a new and far more potent narcotic. One that stands to earn them about 4 billion dollars in the next few years. Oh holy GOD! STOP this madness. Pain relief is a good thing, but you all know darn well that this new drug WILL reach the street market and cause many deaths. Human beings are the worst species ever created.

Annie, disgustedk

[Guest [NM...]]

Bumping this up for a new friend......

 

Go to the very beginning of this long saga. Read perhaps 8 to 10 pages at the beginning. You will find tou that what you are going through is NOT unusual at all. But it IS miserable.

 

Now. Jump ahead a few years. THIS old lady of 68, nearly 69 now, went through a simply horrific withdrawal and managed to survive...and ultimately, thrive! There is nothing special about me. I am not stronger than anyone else mentally or physically. I am an ordinary woman who accidentally became addicted to benzos and then started taking

  ADS to control the symptoms that THE DAMN BENZOS CAUSED!!!!  That is the real truth. I was NEVER depressed, benzos caused depression and other symptoms. ALL of my physical symptoms simply VANISHED when I got off benzos and ADS. God, that is so horrifying to me now.

 

The drug companies are living the high life on their profits made off people like us. I hope they all burn in hell, and I dont even BELIEVE in hell! Those people have made a ton of money off of people like us. I read today they have come out with a new and far more potent narcotic. One that stands to earn them about 4 billion dollars in the next few years. Oh holy GOD! STOP this madness. Pain relief is a good thing, but you all know darn well that this new drug WILL reach the street market and cause many deaths. Human beings are the worst species ever created.

Annie, disgustedk

 

Right there with you on the new opiate. 😓 WTF. It’s pathetic. My son and DIL have abused practically every drug in existence. I wonder how many will die thanks to this sublingual tiny pill!!

 

On another note, I almost always cry with hope and relief when I read your posts. I’m 57. I know that isn’t OLD and neither are you. No. We’re not in our 20’s. Thank goodness lol Even after all of this BS with psychiatric drugs and the Hell of it all- I’d not go back. The only way is forward, no matter how sh*tty it feels.

[[ea...]]

What a nice reply to get. Thank you.

 

All we can go is keep on going. Going through benzo WD can be so difficult you wonder if you can even bear it. Strong people do, weak people may crumble under the onslaught of weird symptoms. That is the truth, sorry to say. I feel so sorry for the people who cannot take it and reinstate! All they want is RELIEF! and all they get is back into the same muck and mire of benzos. The medical community should be ashamed of themselves! SO many lives wasted. And all of this misery just lines the pockets of Big Pharma. That alone is pitiful and something we humans should be deeply ashamed of.

 

If anyone out there reads this and is considering reinstating, please PM me. Keeping on withdrawal from benzos may be very unpleasant, but the alternative is even worse. Please do not allow yourself to become yet another wasted human being. Benzo kill people. ALL the time. Benzos are that powerful.

much love to all of you. My heart wants to hug you all.

Annie

[Guest [NM...]]

What a nice reply to get. Thank you.

 

All we can go is keep on going. Going through benzo WD can be so difficult you wonder if you can even bear it. Strong people do, weak people may crumble under the onslaught of weird symptoms. That is the truth, sorry to say. I feel so sorry for the people who cannot take it and reinstate! All they want is RELIEF! and all they get is back into the same muck and mire of benzos. The medical community should be ashamed of themselves! SO many lives wasted. And all of this misery just lines the pockets of Big Pharma. That alone is pitiful and something we humans should be deeply ashamed of.

 

 

 

If anyone out there reads this and is considering reinstating, please PM me. Keeping on withdrawal from benzos may be very unpleasant, but the alternative is even worse. Please do not allow yourself to become yet another wasted human being. Benzo kill people. ALL the time. Benzos are that powerful.

much love to all of you. My heart wants to hug you all.

Annie

 

Yes. 😓

[[ea...]]

Why the sad face??? Dont be sad, be hopeful. Withdrawal may be awful but recovering is just wonderful. It will be something you will be proud of forever. I sure am.

 

There is something about benzo WD that makes it very different from other drug withdrawals. Perhaps it is because benzos affect the brain and affect the MIND. Narcotics affect the brain, and numb the mind. Alcohol affect the brain and numbs the mind. Benzos affect the mind but in somehow a different way that I havent quite figured out yet. I know on benzos I made silly errors, and did stupid things. Things I regret, but in fact, when I drank alcohol I made far WORSE mistakes!

 

Getting off benzos often affects ones mind a great deal and this is one reason BWD can be so awful.

 

Not sure where I am going with this, but thats okay. This is my personal space to wander around in and wonder about things I still do not understand. Thank GOD I am alive today to even be able to try to do this! And I can say this without ANY doubt: if it were not for BenzoBuddies, this old lady would be dead and gone now. I know that sounds dramatic but it isnt. It is the complete and utter truth for this woman.

[Guest [NM...]]

Why the sad face??? Dont be sad, be hopeful. Withdrawal may be awful but recovering is just wonderful. It will be something you will be proud of forever. I sure am.

 

There is something about benzo WD that makes it very different from other drug withdrawals. Perhaps it is because benzos affect the brain and affect the MIND. Narcotics affect the brain, and numb the mind. Alcohol affect the brain and numbs the mind. Benzos affect the mind but in somehow a different way that I havent quite figured out yet. I know on benzos I made silly errors, and did stupid things. Things I regret, but in fact, when I drank alcohol I made far WORSE mistakes!

 

Getting off benzos often affects ones mind a great deal and this is one reason BWD can be so awful.

 

Not sure where I am going with this, but thats okay. This is my personal space to wander around in and wonder about things I still do not understand. Thank GOD I am alive today to even be able to try to do this! And I can say this without ANY doubt: if it were not for BenzoBuddies, this old lady would be dead and gone now. I know that sounds dramatic but it isnt. It is the complete and utter truth for this woman.

 

Sad face because I hurt for people hurting. Thank you for your encouragement.

[[li...]]

Hello my dear east coast Annie!

I’m glad to read all your encouraging words....you know all too well my story....I’ve just past the 6 year mark.....

 

I keep your words in mind about distractions distractions....it works to a point ....but I still feel my brain is “compromised “ . I’m still waiting for complete healing ...but YAY....I’m so happy for you being mostly healed, you deserve it... you are one of the very  fortunate ones.... not sure if all of us will heal completely....

But, we can never never give up hope!

 

You are truly an inspiration to me...and I appreciate all your help through the YEARS!

I wish you peace, love, and good health!

 

Much love always to you dear friend ... I’m so glad you have your kitty Bear...he sounds like a real treasure.....I miss all my kitties.....I’m still grieving my Midnight....😢😢

 

Stay well... love you much...❤️

[[ea...]]

Why the sad face??? Dont be sad, be hopeful. Withdrawal may be awful but recovering is just wonderful. It will be something you will be proud of forever. I sure am.

 

There is something about benzo WD that makes it very different from other drug withdrawals. Perhaps it is because benzos affect the brain and affect the MIND. Narcotics affect the brain, and numb the mind. Alcohol affect the brain and numbs the mind. Benzos affect the mind but in somehow a different way that I havent quite figured out yet. I know on benzos I made silly errors, and did stupid things. Things I regret, but in fact, when I drank alcohol I made far WORSE mistakes!

 

Getting off benzos often affects ones mind a great deal and this is one reason BWD can be so awful.

 

Not sure where I am going with this, but thats okay. This is my personal space to wander around in and wonder about things I still do not understand. Thank GOD I am alive today to even be able to try to do this! And I can say this without ANY doubt: if it were not for BenzoBuddies, this old lady would be dead and gone now. I know that sounds dramatic but it isnt. It is the complete and utter truth for this woman.

 

Sad face because I hurt for people hurting. Thank you for your encouragement.

 

Yes. So many people hurting and lost. It gets to me too. Sometimes I just want to cry when I read posts here. When will this madness END??? Big Pharma controls it because they make so much damn money off benzos.

 

But you cannot let this get to you so much. Right now, you need to focus your healing on YOU. Because YOU matter.

 

Never give up. This does get better. Really, it does! Withdrawal is still very much in my mind now, but nor do I let it take OVER me. I healed, slowly and painfully. You will too. Please just give yourself time to heal.

east

[[ea...]]

Hello my dear east coast Annie!

I’m glad to read all your encouraging words....you know all too well my story....I’ve just past the 6 year mark.....

 

I keep your words in mind about distractions distractions....it works to a point ....but I still feel my brain is “compromised “ . I’m still waiting for complete healing ...but YAY....I’m so happy for you being mostly healed, you deserve it... you are one of the very  fortunate ones.... not sure if all of us will heal completely....

But, we can never never give up hope!

 

You are truly an inspiration to me...and I appreciate all your help through the YEARS!

I wish you peace, love, and good health!

 

 

HI M!!!!! This site isnt working right and I am forced to quote to answer you. You are very important to me, too. I truly care about you. We have shared so much over the years. We both love cats and we both clean houses and buildings and we both went through horrible withdrawals Plus we seem to think sort of alike. But YOU are the truly beautiful one! I USED to be but I am 69 now and it sure does show. LOL!

 

M, I will say to what I said to myself 6.5 years ago. Focus on what is positive about yourself now, and NOT on what you think is wrong or unhealed. That is a heavy burden to carry and you deserve so much better! I will be you that in ten years (IF I am not senile, lol!) I will STILL hear that goofy tune in my mind. Its been playing over and over for over 6 years now. And I am NOT psychotic, nor are you! Benzos do some awful damage in there wake. But it is up to US to think hopefully and not let WD take over our lives. Right this minute I am not hearing that weird tune in my head. But I am sure I will again. It seems to be just...stuck, or has become some sort of weird habit. I dont know. I just live with it, because of how well I am otherwise.

 

Bear is one wonderful cat. He now wakes me at about 6:30 AM by butting his big head against mine and purring so loudly I have to wake up! He then settles down next to my head and wants to be petted. Gladly, I do that! SO comforting. But you know what? I still miss Oreo, Peggy, Wilson, Charlie, Minnie and all of my other cats. Each was so special and so different.

much love to you, Annie

 

Much love always to you dear friend ... I’m so glad you have your kitty Bear...he sounds like a real treasure.....I miss all my kitties.....I’m still grieving my Midnight....😢😢

 

Stay well... love you much...❤️

[Guest [NM...]]

Why the sad face??? Dont be sad, be hopeful. Withdrawal may be awful but recovering is just wonderful. It will be something you will be proud of forever. I sure am.

 

There is something about benzo WD that makes it very different from other drug withdrawals. Perhaps it is because benzos affect the brain and affect the MIND. Narcotics affect the brain, and numb the mind. Alcohol affect the brain and numbs the mind. Benzos affect the mind but in somehow a different way that I havent quite figured out yet. I know on benzos I made silly errors, and did stupid things. Things I regret, but in fact, when I drank alcohol I made far WORSE mistakes!

 

Getting off benzos often affects ones mind a great deal and this is one reason BWD can be so awful.

 

Not sure where I am going with this, but thats okay. This is my personal space to wander around in and wonder about things I still do not understand. Thank GOD I am alive today to even be able to try to do this! And I can say this without ANY doubt: if it were not for BenzoBuddies, this old lady would be dead and gone now. I know that sounds dramatic but it isnt. It is the complete and utter truth for this woman.

 

Sad face because I hurt for people hurting. Thank you for your encouragement.

 

Yes. So many people hurting and lost. It gets to me too. Sometimes I just want to cry when I read posts here. When will this madness END??? Big Pharma controls it because they make so much damn money off benzos.

 

But you cannot let this get to you so much. Right now, you need to focus your healing on YOU. Because YOU matter.

 

Never give up. This does get better. Really, it does! Withdrawal is still very much in my mind now, but nor do I let it take OVER me. I healed, slowly and painfully. You will too. Please just give yourself time to heal.

east

 

Yes.  I get “lost” in empathy at times. 🙂 Love your posts so much.

[[ea...]]

I am not having a good night. My cat, Jackie Bear, started hiding earlier today. I thought he gotten outside, but finally fouond him huddled under the sofa. He then moved to under the TV armoire. When cats do this, it either means they were scared of something, or are ill.

I got him from under the huge armoire, and now he is hiding under my office desk. I am SO worried. This cat is very special to me. I love him so much I want to cry! Something is wrong, and I suspect his urinary problems have come back. I give him the medicines every single day and make sure he drinks enough. But something is wrong. It is Sunday and my vet is at home with his own cats. I will have to bear this until tomorrow. He there is NO urine in the litter box, off we go again to the vet. That alone is terribly stressful for me and him.

And I am supposed to start a new cleaning job tomorrow. I had to tell the lady I might be delayed. I felt like crap doing that but Bear is more important than cleaning jobs!!!

 

All you cat people - please pray for Jackie Bear. He is a 15 lb kitten (3 years old). He is a beautifull cat - a black and gray Mackeral Tabby with beautiful markings on his face and a personality that is just wonderful. Please send us prayers tonight....

Annie and Bear

[[Pi...]]

Praying for you and your precious Jackie Bear my friend.

 

[Guest [NM...]]

I am not having a good night. My cat, Jackie Bear, started hiding earlier today. I thought he gotten outside, but finally fouond him huddled under the sofa. He then moved to under the TV armoire. When cats do this, it either means they were scared of something, or are ill.

I got him from under the huge armoire, and now he is hiding under my office desk. I am SO worried. This cat is very special to me. I love him so much I want to cry! Something is wrong, and I suspect his urinary problems have come back. I give him the medicines every single day and make sure he drinks enough. But something is wrong. It is Sunday and my vet is at home with his own cats. I will have to bear this until tomorrow. He there is NO urine in the litter box, off we go again to the vet. That alone is terribly stressful for me and him.

And I am supposed to start a new cleaning job tomorrow. I had to tell the lady I might be delayed. I felt like crap doing that but Bear is more important than cleaning jobs!!!

 

All you cat people - please pray for Jackie Bear. He is a 15 lb kitten (3 years old). He is a beautifull cat - a black and gray Mackeral Tabby with beautiful markings on his face and a personality that is just wonderful. Please send us prayers tonight....

Annie and Bear

 

Oh honey...praying now for your precious cat and for you. We lost our Chihuahua just a year ago in October. Our oldest dog is 18 and blind. I worry over him so much. He’s given me loyalty every day of his life-more than I can say for any human. Our pets are our family. ♥️ Every bit as much as our human family.  🙏🏻

[[ea...]]

Thank you so much....hugs to you!

 

Bear seems to be fine. He is peeing and pooping and eating normally but he seems to have gotten a weird fear of that particular closet. This morning, he was in that room, and I opened that closet door and he scurried off, tail down, ears flat, and went under the sofa for an hour. I have no idea why he feels this way. I just have to respect it and let him be. I am SO glad he seems fine physically. Another $300 vet bill would just about break me right now. I will always do the best things for him, no matter how damn poor I am. I would go into debt to help this beautiful sweet cat who chose ME over anyone else.

 

Our pets are so important to us. They give us unconditional love. They make us laugh, they can make us cry, but the good stuff is just priceless. If I spend five minutes petting Bear, I feel calmer and my blood pressure goes down.

 

Losing a pet is just terrible. That one year while in full blown WD when I lost 3 of my five cats was almost unbearable. I suffered so much, I felt SO guilty, so awful. I came close to thinking about suicide that year, but that would have left the two remaining cats without a home. So I just hung on no matter what. I ended up having those two put down for health reasons, but not until I had moved to a new town.

 

Jackie Bear is a living doll. He is a large cat, 15 lbs. Black and gray Mackeral Tabby, with beautiful markings on his face. The classical M between his eyes. There is something so soft looking about his face, and I cant figure out why. He has huge yellow eyes. He purrs almost all the time he is near me. He loves being petted and rubbed and even brushed. He wakes me in the morning by gently walking up to my head and butting his big head on mine, purring loudly. He usually settles down for a while, while I gently pet him and sort of go back to sleep for a short time. I swear that cat tells time, because he does this every single day at about 6:30 am!

 

I still miss Oreo so much but he was an entirely different kitty. He was SO laid back, SO gentle. He, in all truth, would have been happy if he lived outdoors, sleeping in the sun and perhaps chasing birds. That was just ow he was. He was glad to have a home with regular food, but in all truth, he would have been just as happy living outside and dying young. Well, he ended up dying young because of his bowel disease, How sad.

 

Bear is a different sort of cat and I still have not figured out entirely why. Maybe that does not mattter. Maybe what matters is how much he depends on me, loves me in Cat Fashion, and LOVES having a home inside.

 

Time to call it a night....

much love to all of you...I know you are suffering and you think you are the Worst Case, but that seems to just be a normal part of BWD. You will get through this.

Annie

[Guest [NM...]]

Thank you so much....hugs to you!

 

Bear seems to be fine. He is peeing and pooping and eating normally but he seems to have gotten a weird fear of that particular closet. This morning, he was in that room, and I opened that closet door and he scurried off, tail down, ears flat, and went under the sofa for an hour. I have no idea why he feels this way. I just have to respect it and let him be. I am SO glad he seems fine physically. Another $300 vet bill would just about break me right now. I will always do the best things for him, no matter how damn poor I am. I would go into debt to help this beautiful sweet cat who chose ME over anyone else.

 

Our pets are so important to us. They give us unconditional love. They make us laugh, they can make us cry, but the good stuff is just priceless. If I spend five minutes petting Bear, I feel calmer and my blood pressure goes down.

 

Losing a pet is just terrible. That one year while in full blown WD when I lost 3 of my five cats was almost unbearable. I suffered so much, I felt SO guilty, so awful. I came close to thinking about suicide that year, but that would have left the two remaining cats without a home. So I just hung on no matter what. I ended up having those two put down for health reasons, but not until I had moved to a new town.

 

Jackie Bear is a living doll. He is a large cat, 15 lbs. Black and gray Mackeral Tabby, with beautiful markings on his face. The classical M between his eyes. There is something so soft looking about his face, and I cant figure out why. He has huge yellow eyes. He purrs almost all the time he is near me. He loves being petted and rubbed and even brushed. He wakes me in the morning by gently walking up to my head and butting his big head on mine, purring loudly. He usually settles down for a while, while I gently pet him and sort of go back to sleep for a short time. I swear that cat tells time, because he does this every single day at about 6:30 am!

 

I still miss Oreo so much but he was an entirely different kitty. He was SO laid back, SO gentle. He, in all truth, would have been happy if he lived outdoors, sleeping in the sun and perhaps chasing birds. That was just ow he was. He was glad to have a home with regular food, but in all truth, he would have been just as happy living outside and dying young. Well, he ended up dying young because of his bowel disease, How sad.

 

Bear is a different sort of cat and I still have not figured out entirely why. Maybe that does not mattter. Maybe what matters is how much he depends on me, loves me in Cat Fashion, and LOVES having a home inside.

 

Time to call it a night....

much love to all of you...I know you are suffering and you think you are the Worst Case, but that seems to just be a normal part of BWD. You will get through this.

Annie

 

SO glad your baby is okay!! Veterinarian bills are brutal. & I remember reading about losing your babies in WD. Awful under any circumstances, let alone withdrawal. 💙

[[Pi...]]

Annie....So happy to hear you and Jackie Bear are okay!

 

Sending you lots of hugs for comfort!

 

Blessings!

 

Pi

[[ea...]]

Hi Pi!!!

 

Yes, Bear seems just fine. It seems there is something about that closet that scares him. I have no idea why. He was abandoned as a kitten, less than a year old. Thank god he wandered into the right neighbors yard! She fed him for a year and even got him neutered. When I met her, I met Bear. A week later I adopted him. I believe that living on the streets for a year traumatized him deeply. He is very bonded to me, but is scared of everyone else. This closet episode tells me he still bears scars emotionally from being abandoned. Poor little guy. But he is a tough guy too, and I am lucky to have him.

 

It still amazes me when I look back on my terrible WD Journey. I sometimes cannot believe I withstood it. It was THAT bad for me. I still cannot read the diary I kept for the first 3 years or so. Too painful. Reminds me almost TOO much of how close I came to dying. I will read it one day. But not yet. WD can be an extremely traumatic thing for some people. I will never forget it and I am sure you wont either.

[[ea...]]

I was just reading someones SS and they mention that holding onto anger (at doctors, your family, etc.) is a waste of time and may set you back. I totally agree.

I learned this when I attended several 12 Step meetings. The 12 Steps are wonderful tools. They are guide to living your life a lot more calm and happy.

 

When I was forced to go cold turkey by my doctors, I was furious. "How DARE they make me go CT?" was my attitude. I remained angry and resentful for several months. But finally it dawned on me that no one MADE me take all those damn pills. In all truth, I sought OUT benzos. I had lied to my psychoatrist. I didnt tell him I had illegally taken benzos for 20 years (at the time. I ended up being on the 30 years!) I told him that a doctor in Boston had prescribed benzos for me. LIES! And all those lies took its toll on me. The person I hurt was ME. I had to do some serious thinking about my drug seeking ways. And I did that during WD.

 

I recalled the 12 steps and started to use some of them. Making amends seemed important to me. I had pushed people away from me (to be honest, it was to hide my drug use.) My sister and I had become estranged. I started the painful process of apologizing and owning up to things. I tried hard to do this with my mother. That was difficult as she was getting quite old then. I tried this with my father, but he had become senile from cirrhosis. But I tried and my mother and I got on better than we used to. My sister slowly began to accept the New Ann. We now keep in touch again. I wrote letters to two friends, asking them to forgive me. One never wrote back. The other didnt, but the day she died my letter was next to her. (I MISS you Sandy!)

 

Letting go of my anger with my doctors was easier. Once I realized that I was the one who had made mistakes, it was easier to forgive them. I see now that both doctors meant well. They believed my lies, and prescribed drugs to me. My medical doctor, however, did something I have not totally forgiven him for. I spent a lot of time in the hospital in the years before I went CT. EVERY SINGLE time I was in the hospital, my doctor refused to prescribe my benzos. Well, you know what happened. I would go into withdrawal quickly. I know he meant well, but it was an awful thing to do. I presume he just didnt know WD could happen so quickly. PLUS, he did not know I had been on benzos for 30 years. I think his reasoning was that as I was getting narcotics, benzos would snow me. NOT so but how would he know that? Doctors are just ordinary humans who do not know everything. I no longer blindly trust them.

 

Forcing me to go CT was not right. But on the other hand, I am glad they did. I was so addicted. So sick and so weak I could hardly walk. Falling almost every day. Only a matter of time before I would have yet another fracture. I just did not SEE how I was, or even know it was from all those benzos. Going CT WAS my only cchance of having a normal life. I did not know that then but I sure do now.