Eastcoast's Trip

[[We...]]

Annie, I sure as hell hope you are having a MUCH better day.  Yikes!  The only good thing about a bad day like that - it has to get better cuz it sure can't any worse.  And if you need duct tape...I'm your man!  Just about anything can be fixed with duct tape, gum, and maybe a paper clip.  Except for nasty customers.  That customer is the reason why they come up with sayings like...No good deed goes unpunished    So true, isn't it? It seems the harder you try with some people, the more they poop in you eye.

 

So you really had a broken leg and wouldn't go to the hospital?  The power of benzos.  That must have been a sad state of affairs, to think you were ready to go to a nursing home.

 

NM - are you a Brit?

[Guest [NM...]]

Annie, I sure as hell hope you are having a MUCH better day.  Yikes!  The only good thing about a bad day like that - it has to get better cuz it sure can't any worse.  And if you need duct tape...I'm your man!  Just about anything can be fixed with duct tape, gum, and maybe a paper clip.  Except for nasty customers.  That customer is the reason why they come up with sayings like...No good deed goes unpunished    So true, isn't it? It seems the harder you try with some people, the more they poop in you eye.

 

So you really had a broken leg and wouldn't go to the hospital?  The power of benzos.  That must have been a sad state of affairs, to think you were ready to go to a nursing home.

 

NM - are you a Brit?

 

I’m not, but some of my ancestors were, and I love my British cousins. We were first starvation (starvation? Lol) STATIONED in the UK with the USAF in 1999. For just over three years, then again for three years in 2010.

[[ea...]]

I am so tired this will be brief.

Yes. My broken femur was that bad. And all of this was caused by benzos. Every  bit of it. At that point my brain was so fired I could not think properly.

I am damn lucky to still have a leg and to be alive.

NM, I am sorry that happened to you. Must have been a shock.

 

My day was okay. I had to spend (well, put on a credit card) $350 for a new tire. But at least I can drive the car, and will eventually pay that off.

 

Benzo addiction is just like other addictions and can cause someone to do awful things to obtain the drugs. That would describe me, thirty years ago. I no longer lie about this. I did steal benzos from the hospital I worked in. I am not proud of this. I am ashamed of this.

Over time, benzos caused such immense damage to me, but I had no idea that could happen Well, now I know.

God, this benzo stuff is truly mind boggling!!! God bless you all tonight. THIS warrior is saying good night.

Annie and J Bear

[Guest [NM...]]

I am so tired this will be brief.

Yes. My broken femur was that bad. And all of this was caused by benzos. Every  bit of it. At that point my brain was so fired I could not think properly.

I am damn lucky to still have a leg and to be alive.

NM, I am sorry that happened to you. Must have been a shock.

 

My day was okay. I had to spend (well, put on a credit card) $350 for a new tire. But at least I can drive the car, and will eventually pay that off.

 

Benzo addiction is just like other addictions and can cause someone to do awful things to obtain the drugs. That would describe me, thirty years ago. I no longer lie about this. I did steal benzos from the hospital I worked in. I am not proud of this. I am ashamed of this.

Over time, benzos caused such immense damage to me, but I had no idea that could happen Well, now I know.

God, this benzo stuff is truly mind boggling!!! God bless you all tonight. THIS warrior is saying good night.

Annie and J Bear

 

Annie,♥️ hugs. Your honesty is refreshing.

[[mo...]]

God bless you Annie—and your loved one(s), I truly want to thank you for your honesty also.

[[ea...]]

mon pilote, what does your name mean? Just curious. How has your wd saga gone? Are you doing all right?

NM, bless your heart. You truly are a wonderful person. Thank you.

 

I had another yucky day. Got an email from customer, firing me. And I truly do not know why! She has seemed very happy with my work, for what? 3 months now? I truly do not know what she did this. But it truly made me feel bad. I told my friend Laurie that the Universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe it IS time to find something else to do too earn money. I am aware that my OCD'ism gets me into trouble when cleaning a house. Like any OCD thing, I get sort of stuck on doing things truly well, and perhaps not thinking about other things, such as time factors. It is hard to know how this seems to other people. I really like this customer. Her house is always grubby due to 4 dogs, one cat, one husband. She rules that house like a tiny Dictator, intense, forceful, very focused. But I guess I have lost this job. Perhaps it IS time to find other ways to make money. I am a but depressed about this.

My freaking new smart phone still has me out-smarted. Laurie too! It got disconnected from the internet

for no reason Laurie could find.

God, whoever you are, please advise me on what I should do to earn money. Part of me truly does NOT want to work as a nurse. I just do not know....yet.

Annie and Bear, my faithful companion

[[mo...]]

Annie, I wanna write back but can’t right now. Reading and praying in my heart silently

Rooting for you ❤️ & Bear

 

My brain, is exhausted + tired... it will improve though

 

Michele

[Guest [NM...]]

mon pilote, what does your name mean? Just curious. How has your wd saga gone? Are you doing all right?

NM, bless your heart. You truly are a wonderful person. Thank you.

 

I had another yucky day. Got an email from customer, firing me. And I truly do not know why! She has seemed very happy with my work, for what? 3 months now? I truly do not know what she did this. But it truly made me feel bad. I told my friend Laurie that the Universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe it IS time to find something else to do too earn money. I am aware that my OCD'ism gets me into trouble when cleaning a house. Like any OCD thing, I get sort of stuck on doing things truly well, and perhaps not thinking about other things, such as time factors. It is hard to know how this seems to other people. I really like this customer. Her house is always grubby due to 4 dogs, one cat, one husband. She rules that house like a tiny Dictator, intense, forceful, very focused. But I guess I have lost this job. Perhaps it IS time to find other ways to make money. I am a but depressed about this.

My freaking new smart phone still has me out-smarted. Laurie too! It got disconnected from the internet

for no reason Laurie could find.

God, whoever you are, please advise me on what I should do to earn money. Part of me truly does NOT want to work as a nurse. I just do not know....yet.

Annie and Bear, my faithful companion

 

Oh Annie... maybe it is time for a change!! You’ve mentioned working with the Elmo? Perhaps you’d like that? I pray you get your answer. ♥️

[[We...]]

Praying for you too, Annie.  I hope you find your answer and come out of this string of bad luck.  As far as nursing, what about doing in-home care for recent hospital discharges?  Visiting nurse?  Might be less stress.

 

The answer will come, Annie.  Hugs!

[[ea...]]

You guys are so wonderful. I truly appreciate your support.

I got another email from the second customer who fired me, the postlady. It said please call her as these things need to be talked about. I could not agree more. SO, here I sit and wait for her to  back. I may be able to save this one, as she is smart as hell. I now realize that the biggest problem IS that I do chat with her...a lot. She is a talker, and talks and talks and talks and I feel rude walking away from this. But I have to, to get the work done on time. With her, it is that simple. The other lady? Who the F knows. I know I did a bang up great job for her, and to hell with her and her poorly trained dog. Who smells bad! (Yes, being catty!)

But yes, it is time to consider other options. If I DONT work tomorrow, for the postlady, I will spend more time online looking for work sites.

The issue with working as an RN is that I am way out of practice and skills. I do know the basics but medicine has changes a lot since 2006! Not sure how to work around that. Time will tell me. I do plan to look fort both Activities Assistant and Social Services Assistant jobs. Would not pay well but it should be fun and easy to do. I plan to also check out psych nurse jobs in my area. There are NO detox places in Vero. None. I asked my shrink customer and he should know. The closest one is about 20 miles south in a town I really do not like. I will look for such jobs in the northern county, but that would also be a fairly long drive.

mon pilote, what is "the Elmo"? I am drawing a blank on that one. Let me know, please. And yes, do write more when you are able to. God almighty, I know this stuff is truly hard to go through.

I keep going back to my thoughts that benzo wd can cause a form of PTSD in some people. It all came as such a shock to me. Nothing prepared me for what I went through. Living in a literal hell for several years can sure do that to a person. If I had any idea how bwd could be like, I would have just given up,

moved into that nursing home and would now be dead as a nail in a coffin. I know this with my entire mind and heart. I am glad I stuck it out, but PTSD stuff is now a part of my life. Some essential part of me got hurt badly in wd.

And not having family affected me too. I have made peace with my younger sister, after almost wrecking our friendship. That I am very happy about. I admire her, she is tough and strong and learned computer stuff SO much better than I have!

This morning I found myself realizing that I may not BE on this earth much longer. I turn 70 next March. I don't especially WANT to live as long as my Mother did, 92. She was miserable the last few years. Holy

crap, I may be dead within the next 15 years.

I know all of you will nag me about this, being morbid but if you are over 60, you might be able to relate to these thoughts.

This has been a long day, as I woke at 5 am fussing about my work issues. Could not go back to sleep at

all. Bear snuggled up next to my head and purred loudly which was soothing but did not help me sleep a bit.

The answers WILL come to me. I do trust that thinking.

Annie and Bear

[Guest [NM...]]

Annie, call it morbid, but I think about it too. My mother and father were 82 when they died, and my Dad has two sisters still living, who are both in their late 90s. It’s weird to think that I might live another close to 40 years??? Just wow. I just want the rest of my life to be full. To enjoy it with abandon!!!

 

I get what you talk about when you address PTSD from withdrawal. My hasn’t been fun, and because of the insane withdrawal stuff with my Xanax back in the day, I chose to taper. I was mortified of psychosis from CT, and I was damned if a doctor was going to yank me off of benzos. I wanted this to be in my control. Still, the memories of the darker days of this taper are like ghosts in my memory. I pray for the day all of this is just a faint memory. 😐

[[mo...]]

Annie, I don’t know what “ the Elmo ,” is , but I’m kinda laughing right now... thank you! I’ve hated waking up for a while now and that sounds funny and cute whatever it is.

 

[[ea...]]

I am a bit embarrassed. I had a glass of wine last evening and maybe I misread something? LOL on ME!

 

Nm, I too was mortified by how insane I was for the first year. This is why I avoided doctors like the plague. I was SURE they would commit me if I told them the truth. I STILL think that. Avoiding doctors was a self protective action, but benzo wd made it all so much worse. "Ghosts in my memory" is a beautiful way of saying this. I feel the same way. I sort of have forgotten how truly bad it was, but when I come on BB, I do remember. And that is why I stay here and continue to reach out. To help others AND me. Perhaps one NEVER really gets over this stuff. We may  heal but our memories will never let us forget. Thank god.

 

My damn new cell phone was a HUGE mistake. The stupid thing does not work properly. I took it to my computer repair friend, and her tech checked it out and HE found it unusable. The freaking phone made me miss a potential new customer!!! It deleted their voice mail without my letting them. Or maybe I hit the wrong button, because the touchpad is SO balky and does not always do what it should. I am truly angry about this. I am looking into buying a refurb iPhone. If any of you know something about iphones, please let me know! I am such a babe in the woods with tech stuff .But I spent all day being angry about this.

It seems that maybe I have NOT lost that customer except I didn't clean her home today so I lost money. She says she will call me Sunday and I can gfind out the truth about what is making her doubtful. I would be truly surprised if its to do with the quality of my work. But it could be, as I see with MY eyes, not hers. I always remind customers to speak up when I am not doing things their way! But most people dislike doing this and the minor issues gradually blows up into being a big issue. I will never forget the rich people who I used to clean house for. I worked for them almost 2 years, and just suddenly got an email saying "It didn't work  out." HUH? If ONCE they had said I wasn't doing things properly I would have stopped doing that. I also know I did a bang up good job for them, but apparently they felt all along that I should get there earlier. DUH,. tell me this crap, and I will do whatever it takes to keep a good customer. Human being...no wonder I prefer Bear! He talks back to me but silently, or almost always so. He isn't a big talker. But when he wants something, he wants it now, and will gently bite my leg to get my attention. He never was taught the word "NO".

And now he is set in his ways.

Well, so am I, Bear.

 

[[ea...]]

Bumping this up for a new friend. Be back later.

[[ea...]]

Turns out I did NOT lose that customer. Her only concerns was my being there after 4 hours. I guess she was worried I would bill for that. She understood my reasons, my chatting with her and shepharding her dogs in and out of the house. It had nothing to do with the quality of my work. She is fine with that. A huge tempest in a teapot. So I will go there this Friday and clean her house again. She will be there most of that time and I will have to remind her of chatting and time issues.

Good to know it wasn't anything about HOW I clean her house.

 

So its back to work tomorrow. Cleaning a house I know very well. I know what I will find! Tiny bits of paper in the maser bedroom and bath. Lots of kitty litter everywhere. LOL! Cat people are different.

 

This morning Bear woke me by repeatedly butting his head against mind, purring so loudly. The message was quite clear to me. "Get your butt out of bed and pay attention to ME!" I truly believe that God worked some magic with Bear. She led me across the street to meet a new neighbor, and also met the absolute best cat of my entire life. Because Bear chose ME, makes it all so much nicer. He is still young enough to be silly, as in being a huge kitten. But mature enough to show his trust and love for me.

I think that is a HUGE honor, and I truly feel blessed, knowing this beautiful cat with the adorable face. One of these days I will figure out how to take photos of him and when I do I will post them here. His face is TRULY remarkable. It has this beautiful soft look to it. Oreo was a truly lovely cat too. His markings were unusual and interesting. His personality was nothing like Bears. Orrie was so laid back, he hardly moved at all. A sweet, slow moving cat who had a serious medical issue that I could not help him with. I know in my heart that he would have been just as happy living outdoors until he died. Bear is NOT like that at all. Bear loves having a real home and a human who cares for him.

But I will never forget watching Orrie stroll away from me, and I was admiring his almost perfect circles and swirls on black in his white coat. He was remarkable beautiful and different, but Bear is o much more gorgeous. I still miss Orrie.

I have to go to my pain doctor this week. LONG trek there, 25 miles, into a town I dislike entirely. Hate going there, such an ordeal. The NP there is truly nice and also had a gastric bypass, just as I did. We always chat about this, as she refills my pain pump.

That pain pump is a constant reminder of what benzos did to me over 30 years. I would never be able to forget this, having such major reminders of what I went through. I have to live with these constant reminders every single day. Benzos changed my life in horrible ways.

So when I chide people for their super long tapers, it is with good reason. I hope all of you want to avoid what happened to this old lady. This is my personal opinion only. Super long tapers just prolong the agony. Holds are truly a bad thing to do, as in my opinion it may just make the inevitable worse. One's goal should be to get off benzos as quick as possible.

Please understand tis is just my personal opinion, I certainly do not know everything about benzos! I don't think anyone is that knowledgable, as the research has not been done yet. Everything you read on BB is educated guesses. Maybe some day, this will happen. But don't hold your breath.

I urge all of you to get off benzos asap. Do NOT let what happened to me, happen to you.

Annie

 

 

[[We...]]

Annie - I am soooo glad that situation straightened itself out!!!

 

And yes, our furry friends are truly a blessing!

[[Sa...]]

Hi Annie ... hi Welchie!

 

Missed you!!

[[ea...]]

HI WELCHIE!!!!

How are you doing now? Any changes?

God almighty, this bwd stuff is an awful thing to go through.

 

Yes, that situation seems to have worked out. I have a similar situation in the home I cleaned today. I love that lady, she is smart, funny and I love her cats. But she talks, and I end up chatting back. That makes me run OT. So, I mentioned to her today briefly, what happened with my other customer. She got it, but wouldn't you just know? She kept yakking with me anyway!! I am glad she had an appointment with her lawyer, as I could finish cleaning and YES, I was 30 minutes OT. But one good thing, I realized a lot better way to clean her home. Much of residential cleaning is figuring out the best, shortest way to get various spaces dusted, vacuumed and mopped. This is the mental work of house cleaning.

 

The freaking lovebugs are swarmi8ng now. I don't know much about them but they swarm and mate only once a year. They must be related to lightening bugs, as they looks sort of the same way. For some reason, this is a BANNER year for these bugs. No one wants to be outside, as these bugs will land on you, your hair, ugh! The entire front of everyones cars are plastered with them. As I drove home, on US 1, they kept hitting my windshield making splatting noises. Took me back many years when in Maryland and DC, the 17 year locusts showed up. That was a HUGE mess, as millions of these large insects came out of the earth to mate and then die. The roads were covered with them. Truly weird and yes, icky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[We...]]

Hey Annie!  I'm doing not too shabby, thanks for asking.  The usual cast of current sx characters.  The most frustrating part of where I'm at now is a slowing down of obvious healing and a gray zone of a plateaus.  Couple of windows.  Couple of Waves.  Things slowly getting better, inch by inch.

 

About your chatty customers...see, they know you are a 'good kid' too and good company.  I'm really glad that got straightened out.  And you got to say something to the other customer.  At least things are aired out.

 

Those nasty midget bugs are coming out up here...you probably remember them.  We call them the 'no-see-ums' cuz they're so small.  They have a nasty bite though.  Lilacs are about to pop.  I worked in the yard a bit yesterday and it had that wonderful fresh New England spring smell to the air.  Guess I'll be witching about the heat in a few more weeks.

 

I have that song by Huey Lewis and The News running through my head today...."I want a new drug.  One that won't make me sick.  One that won't make me crash my car and feel three feet thick".    I've always said if we could come up with a drug to counter the benzo withdrawal we'd be a bunch of very wealthy women here.  Then we would get to be the ones hiring the maids while we were busy getting a massage. 

[[ea...]]

HUGE LOL! I had forgotten that song.

No see ums, oh yes, I got bit by one last week. Florida is the insect kingdom, and since bwd, I dislike insects SO much more. My customer today is a 92 year old man, but a truly nice man., He cleaned the lovebugs off the front of my car! How nice of him! His wife has d=advanced dementia,  and he carries the entire load of all of this.

You are getting there, W. Time is your best friend in this crap. The fact that you remain literate and sensible truly amazes me.

When I drove home after work, I passed by our local high school. About 50% of those kids were glued to their phones as they walked. I find that distressing. No one TALK with each other anymore.

And my own cell phone was a huge waste of money. I tried to buy a refurb iPhone but the site I looked on was not working! I can only afford a refurb iphone, which mostly goes for at least $15o.

Keep on making me laugh, W. I need that right now.

Annie

[[ea...]]

This truly HAS been a lousy week. My dentures broke, so I have to eat super soft foods again. UGH. Last night, I got out of bed to head to the bathroom and tripped on Bear and to avoid hurting him, fell onto a large metal box I store jeans in. OMG, it hurt so bad. I think I broke a rib. I have done that before due to osteoporosis. There is no treatment for this, except pain meds and I don't want to take anything. WD made me wary of all drugs.

Okay. I go to work, and the woman was not home. But she got home at 1 pm and was obviously in a horrible, angry mood. Her niece sas in a car accident and broke her femur plus other injuries. Other bad stuff happened to her as well.

I have a system in place to remind myself to go back into rooms that I need to put stuff back into their place. Once the floor is mopped I leave a light on to remind me lat7er on to go back and put things back in their right place. People can be so fussy about this! Well, I had NOT gone back yet to the rooms with lights on, and the woman immediately began putting stuff back into place and it was obvious she was pissed that she "had to do this." Then she went into one of the bathrooms, grabbed a sponge and was wiping the base of the toilet, those places dust gathers  in. She mad some nasty comment about "how she always has to go behind me and do stuff like this." This is absolute garbage as I always do that, using a duster or a sponge, depending on how grubby it looks. She was rude and insulting to me. Her bad mood got a lot worse and soon she was losing it  and I was her best target. "I am DONE! Done. Done with you. You have a bad attitude." And I sure don't. She has four messy dogs and one cat, several young children who often visit (grandkids) and her home is always grubby as heck. Every room I mop., the rags turn almost black immediately. Now, come on, lady. Your previous cleaner did not even dust much less do all the stuff I did.

She is intelligent and I am sure that deep down she knows she was out of line. But nor do I need a customer like that! Even if she does apologize, which I doubt knowing her - I may choose not to go back Life is too short and I know I went above and beyond for her.

Cleaning people run into problems like this. It is nothing new but I sure did not need it this week.

 

[[Sa...]]

Annie,

 

A terrible week you’ve had!  I’m so sorry you broke your dentures and a rib?

 

The lady you cleaned for was so out of line, I would never be so obnoxious like her (I hope).  She needs a huge attitude adjustment!  Maybe you can find a “cleaner” house to clean.

 

May your weekend be more pleasant!

 

Sara 

[[ea...]]

Thanks, my friend. I needed to hear that.

Cleaning houses is a weird thing for an RN to do. But that is what I currently do to earn money. Yes, she was way out of line. I will get over this. Just a temp set back for this old lady.

[[Be...]]

Annie, sorry you fell and hurt yourself and that nasty lady was so mean.

[[ea...]]

Yup. She sure was mean. And I am sorry I tripped on Mr Bear and fell. Rib fractures hurt but they do heal. No matter, I will heal from this too. About two weeks of hurting and I will be fine. Been there, done that before. I broke a rib during acute wd. I passed out, fainted and fell. Ouch. I knew right away what had happened and the next day an xray proved it.

Shit happens, beck. And we just have to roll with the punches.

How are you doing now? Any progress?

BIG hug to you, my friend,

Annie