Eastcoast's Trip

[[ea...]]

My injured leg and knee hurt all day. This often happens when the barometric pressure drop. But we did not get much rain. My legs just hurt. I had to sit down a few times. Living with the injuries benzos caused me to have is sometimes difficult. But it is also a reminder of what I don't ever want to be again.

I know that leg will give out someday. That femur fracture was so extensive and the knee replacement wont last forever. And when it all gives out I will not be a good candidate for repair surgery. I will lose the entire leg. That is MY reality and what I have to live with, thanks to benzos. So, anyone out there thinking you have it so bad, think of me. You do not want to end up as I am.

And all of it courtesy of my lifelong addiction to benzos.

My heart goes out to all of you who are suffering tonight. You will get through this, no matter how old you are, or what medical issues you already have. Being on a benzo can create horrible new problems for you, just as they did to me. Don't let that happen to you, please. Get off benzos as quickly as you think is safe, and let the true healing start. I think you will be startled at how much better you feel once you heal.

[[Sa...]]

So sorry you are hurting, Annie.  The barometric pressure drop causes so much pain.  So glad we are Benzo Free!!

 

Hoping tomorrow is better for you.

 

SaraSue 

[Guest [NM...]]

I’m just reading about your fall. I’m SO SORRY, Annie. ♥️

[[Be...]]

Annie, I'm in bad shape.  I post all my complaining on my blog. Don't want to muck up yours.  Hugs to you, too.

[[We...]]

Well...I step out for a couple of days...and find you almost land in the hospital!!!  Annie, that's terrible.  Everything.  I feel for you about the rib. I broke two last summer, probably because of benzos.  It can be painful and not much to be done for it, unfortunately, except wait it out.  Take care of yourself!

 

I can't believe that woman treated you that way.  Mean people suck.  And they seem to take it out on the best and kindest people.  So...maybe you should take it as a compliment.    I hope you can find yourself some better clients sometime soon.  Very soon.

 

Better yet, just win the lottery!  Now there's a plan.  I'm sort of like that joke where the woman keeps praying to God to win the lottery.  Then one day the skies open up and God says...Sweetheart, help me out...buy a ticket!!!  I fantasize about winning the lottery, but never buy a ticket    There's an even better plan!!!

 

Take good care of yourself Annie!  You are a force of nature to be reckoned with, though.  And I have no doubt you will get past this latest round of challenges.

 

 

Maybe they will have progressed with options by the time that knee needs to be replaced.  Hopefully it will never happen.

 

Benzos cause so many problems it's mind boggling.  I am sooo glad to be off.  And I want to thank you again for being instrumental in encouraging me to jump when I wasn't sure and was afraid to.  You, of all people, know how much damage they can do

[Guest [NM...]]

Annie, I'm in bad shape.  I post all my complaining on my blog. Don't want to muck up yours.  Hugs to you, too.

 

Big hugs to you, Becks!! ♥️♥️😊

[[ea...]]

Dear friends, all of you,

I wont be spending as much time on BB for a while. Something has happened that is making me need to walk away for a while. And I cannot post on why.

This makes me sad, but it is something I have to do, to remain sane myself.

I will drop in on THIS page a bit, but wont be able to answer PMs.

it is time to back away from BB and find a new forum that will help both me and others.

BB has let me down in a very essential way. And I truly do not know why.

Annie and Bear, the worlds most wonderful cat

[[We...]]

Annie...the world's most wonderful person and Bear...the world's most wonderful cat...I wish you well, Annie, from the bottom of my heart and will miss your refreshing honesty and humor.  I hope you are ok and that whatever is going on...well...that you do alright with it all.

 

Good luck, my friend.  Best wishes! 

[[Sa...]]

Annie,

 

You (and jBear) have been a life source for me.  I’m so sorry you have been let down.  I will miss you tremendously.  Your openness and honesty are needed.

 

I appreciate you.  I did send you my email address last month.

 

 

[[mo...]]

Annie, I’m so sad to hear you had such an awful week, I was looking forward to getting to know you better here finally and then something else happens... so sorry. Sorry you were let down, really wish that it would be resolved and you could stay.

 

I’m sending strength and warmth from my heart, hoping your rib heals and denture issues get solved fast.

 

❤️

[[ea...]]

Thank you, dear friends. All of you. I will weather this storm I always do. And I wish I could explain the whys, but I cant. I need to back away from BB for now. I will check in here, however, as I will miss all of you!

 

This long journey I took turned out to be the most horrible thing I ever went through (yet!) but also the BEST thing I ever did. I do not regret this at all. Getting off benzos did save my life and I became the person I was always meant to be (with some dents and scratches, of course). Helping others go through this has kept me sane and happy for almost 7 years now. No one can take THAT away from me, even if they try to, or want to. Over the years, I have tried my best to help people going through BWD. No one knows all the answers on BWD, it is all guesses and is based on what others have experienced.

That for a while I cant do the best job I can, does hurt me. But nor can I change this.

I urge all of you to just keep on going no matter what.

 

Okay, mundane whinings. My rib hurts so bad whenever I cough or sneeze or whatever puts pressure on that side. But I wont take narcotics and cannot afford to see a walk in doc. My doc cannot see me for days. Last time I broke a rib Tramadol helped. But I probably cannot afford that either! Being poor stinks, doesn't it?

And my customer for today cancelled, so that's  $100 less income. They are snowbirds and leave for New England later this week. I will truly  miss them. They always joke with me about my being "the most well dressed cleaning lady."

 

One thing I learned going through BWD was to not LIE to myself or others ever again.  I try to do this. Small white lies are okay but I should not tell myself big lies. Not easy to achieve. Oh this forum I have always spoken my mind and never tried to fool anyone. However, we all have opinions on benzo wd and some of mine may not match yours. We have to disagree to disagree sometimes. Like all of you, I don't know everything about benzos or ADs. I only know what I experienced. And base opinions on that, just as you do.

 

I need to clear something up. I am NOT against tapers. NOT. I do tend to feel negative about LONG tapers and especially about holds. I DO understand why people do this, but to me, it just prolongs the entire ordeal. I went through a truly awful wd. It did not kill me. I endured it using whatever I could to pass the time, and by being here on BB almost 24/7. I decided to trust what I read on BB. And it turned out to be very true. I did heal from a 30 year addiction to benzos. Holy moly, that is a long time to take nightly benzos and in large doses. Yikes. This amazes me now. IF I had only known...…..but I did not and neither did you.

 

 

Bear with me for a while, friends. I will always care about you, even if I am not here as much. Life goes on. I need to change what I am doing to make money, too. I got my RN back but not sure I even want to use it. Since I didn't work today I cruised the Net of Psych RN jobs. NONE near me. I am starting to think that the Activities Assistant idea was a good one and will follow up on that this week. My friend Laurie tells me The Spirit is trying to speak to me about this and I think she is right. Something has to give and something has to change before I get TOO old!

HUGE HUGS TO ALL OF YOU!

Annie and of course, BearBear

[[Sa...]]

I miss you, Annie!

 

I’m so sorry for all the trials you are going through. 

 

Sara

[[ea...]]

Love you, friend. I am not gone, just LESS here on BB. Its all right.

The strong do survive, sarasue. I have weathered many storms and will be just fine no matter what.

[[ea...]]

I feel terrible that I cannot respond to PMs right now. I am so sorry. Nor can I explain why. Maybe a technical glitch.

[[Sa...]]

Annie,

 

You survived BWD, you can survive anything!  It’s just a shame you’re having more trials!

 

Sara

[[ea...]]

LOL! This was not a good week. Had to replace another tire because the kid at Goodyear did not put the cap back on one of my tire stems. It went flat within 10 minutes. And I broke a rib. And I lost a customer over something I do not understand. AND had to order a new cell phone as the last one I got turned out to be mostly useless.. It has been an entire week of cluster F----'s. LOL!

I am growing my hair out to become its natural color, mostly silver. But still dark in back. I used a color remover and now my remaining colored hair is blonde and I was NEVER a blonde! I need to make an appointment to get it cut again but cannot afford it just yet.

People tell me they like my current hair color, but I dont.

Women and their hair.....we can be so weird about this.

[Guest [NM...]]

Love you, Annie. ♥️

 

Lisa

[[ea...]]

Back at you, my sweet friend. Please accept a huge vbirtual hug from both me AND Bear.

 

Please, everyone. I cannot answer your PMs now. That has been disabled, temporarily I hope. I feel terrible knowing I have 10 PMS I cannot answer. Just terrible.

 

But life goes on despite this stuff.

 

Tomorrow I again clean the house of some really messy people. LOL! I am not exaggerating on that. Cleaning it is always a challenge. Mountains of toys for the grandbabies, unwashed clothing, piles of bills and magazine and chip bags, empty water bottles, etc. I don't think these people EVER put anything away! Their kitchen is always so grubby, the cooktop will be covered in antique macaroni and ancient tomato sauce. Getting this place cleaned truly IS a challenge and I do it willingly.

I finally visited an over 55 apartment complex which is also income restricted. It seemed very nice so I joined the long waiting list. About 2 years of waiting.

My ever horrid landlady has again raised my rent and tacked on yet another "security deposit fee." I ran this by the manager at those other apartments and her eyebrows went way up. I had only consulted one online lawyer when this started. So today I asked on two more legal help for seniors sights. Frankly, I would really like to get this nasty woman. She thinks of all of us as "low rent" people. Her words. That truly takes the cake for insulting words on someone who is not rich. We don't need to be reminded of it,  believe me. And I have put u I hope it heals fast,. with her nonsense for 6 long years. Why? Because back when I moved in this apartment I was still in benzo wd. Was not thinking well, or even moving well. I was still using a freaking walker then. I didn't walk, I shuffled.

 

This broken rib hurts like hell.  But only if I cough, or need to blow my nose. But it does hurt. Significantly.

Annie and Mr Bear who truly is one smart cat

[[ea...]]

My original SS was restore, thanks to one Mod who cares. Thank you, Pamster.

I do not plan on writing much on this, because my current Blog is up to date. I might try again to describe what benzo wd felt like to me, if I can find the right words. NOT tonight.

 

I just want to be able to refer people to my SS, as it was written from the heart.

 

Thank you, Pamster.

Annie

[[bl...]]

When did anxiety leave?

[[ea...]]

Maybe in my third year, it died down to acceptable levels. But blue, you cannot compare yourself with me! I abused benzos for thirty damn years.

Annie

[[ea...]]

Just bumping this up for someone in need.

Annie

[[ea...]]

I am bumping this up for someone who is having trouble navigating on BB.

 

[[...]]

I am bumping this up for someone who is having trouble navigating on BB.

Annie, nothing to do with bumps and all that, just swinging by to say hi!

 

Got so busy with work and just feeling good that I forgot to look in!

 

[[Su...]]

It has taken me a long time to do this, but Im ready. My story is long, and may scare some of you, but it's also a message of hope. I am not FULLY healed yet, but compared to how I was when I was active here - boy oh boy, Im CURED.

 

My story begins years ago. When I was a child, I had trouble going to sleep. 32 years ago I graduated from Nursing school and began working as an RN in an inner city hospital in Washington DC. Back then, only narcotics were locked up and "counted." Many nurses and doctors helped themselves to pills, and so did I. I began taking various benzos. They helped immensely....I could fall asleep easily. This quickly became a habit, although I did not "feel addicted."

 

In Nursing school, we were told that benzo withdrawal could last up to 4 weeks and the danger was seizures. Never once did I hear that this is far, far from the truth. So, I continued to take my benzos almost every night.

 

During those many years, I gradually became depressed. And over time, other things happened but I did not see it at all.

 

In 2003 things started to fall apart. My health started going bad. Id had major surgery (for obesity) and was rapidly developing osteoporosis (which is not unusual). I also began falling. I would just go down.

 

In 2006 I fell and had extreme neck and shoulder pain. Saw a surgeon, had a laminectomy, recovered. He and my medical doctor knew I was on benzos but didn't make the connection between the fall and the neck injury. I had started going to a psychiatrist for depression, and now was legally on a benzo: Klonapin. PLUS Ambien. Both in large doses. Plus two antidepressants, although over time these were changed, doses adjusted. I also drank a lot of beer, most nights, and had for years.

I began falling more and more often. At the end, I was falling every day.

 

I should explain to you that the dates of various injuries and surgeries is still unclear to me. One thing that was happening over time was my memory got bad.

 

Other things were going bad, too. I stopped reading books, many years ago. I couldn't remember plots or characters, so why bother?

My social life wasn't good; I had social anxiety, plus was in a sort of "hibernation", thanks to benzos. I gradually became unengaged with life.

 

My health really began to get awful. I fell, and severely fractured my right femur (the big bone in your upper leg.) It splintered into bits. I passed out from the pain. At the hospital I was told I might lose the leg, but a decent surgeon with war experience somehow patched it together. It took me several months to recover, walk again. I began having serious chronic pain, and began taking oral narcotics on top of all the other medications. I think at one point, my med list had 14 drugs on it. My medical doctor was now concerned, but if he said anything, I don't recall, and would have brushed him off anyway.

 

I just did not get it.

 

Fell again, and opened up the healing wound on my leg. I was so out of it, I did not go to the hospital for over a week. Ended up staying there 10 days for IV antibiotics.

 

And one of those antibiotics was a flouroquinolone.......I went into extreme anxiety. My doctor had not ordered my Klonapin or Ambien, and the antibiotic threw me into acute withdrawal. But no one "got it" and nor did I. I begged the nurses to call my doctor but it took days. Then, they called in a psychiatrist, who thought I was just "an anxious lady." But he ordered a single dose of Klonapin (after trying to put me on an anti-psychotic." That single dose set me straight until I got home and could take my prescriptions. 

 

A couple months later I fell again, and broke my right hip. Surgery repaired it, and once again I was put on a flouroquinolone, and went into withdrawal. Same thing happened, but this time no psychiatrist was called in. My medical doctor was now extremely concerned, and reported me to the drivers license bureau for being an unsafe driver. I stopped driving....for about a year. A friend drove me everywhere, and also began to take care of me and my cats.

 

I was using a rolling walker to walk....all the time. I still had severe pain, and the pain doctor suggested an implanted pain pump. I agreed, and I still have it. I stopped taking oral narcotics. But my mind was still fuzzy, my memory shot, I was slurring my words and forgetful.

 

In June of 2012, I needed refills for all four psych meds. I called my psychiatrist, and was told he was closing his practice and they couldn't see me. I had seen this man for 12 years.

I got a referral to another psychiatrist but couldn't see her for over a month. I ran out of Klonapin, and had only two weeks of Ambien left. I went to a walk in clinic and a sympathetic (but suspicious) doctor gave me a script for just enough to get me to the new doctors appointment.

What I did not know was that my medical doctor had spoken to my old psychiatrist about my benzos, and then called the new one.

 

I went for my appointment. It was a nightmare. I was told I had to sign into the local drug rehab "or else." I had worked as an RN at that facility, so sure didn't want to go, but I thought I had no choice. And I didn't! I was going into withdrawal, and figured a rehab would be able to help me.

 

Not so.

 

At the rehab I quickly went into acute withdrawal. I could barely see. I was having serious trouble walking even with the walker. I was having severe twitches of various muscles, especially my legs. I got this weird sharp pain in my abdomen. I had a headache, dry mouth. Couldn't eat or drink.

I was not given anything for my symptoms, nor did anyone ask me what I was feeling. I knew they could give Clonidine for my blood pressure (a beta blocker which has anti-anxiety effects-) but they said my BP wasn't high enough. 150/90 IS high enough.....I knew their protocol.

I was harassed to go to "groups", which consisted of everyone sitting around filling out little forms entitled things like "My mood of the day is...." with little faces you could circle to indicate your mood.

The unit I was on was the same one I used to be the Assistant Nurse Manager of....the Baker Act unit. In other words, the pone unit that would take anyone, whether young and severely psychotic, or elderly and demented. There was no room on the Drug/Alcohol Unit.

So - I knew many of the staff, which was humiliating. Also some of the patients.

By the third day I was hallucinating, and became severely paranoid. I believed with all my heart that "their" plan was to have me permanently committed. So I certainly didn't share what I was seeing, thinking, feeling or experiencing!

It was supposed to be an 8 day "rehab." (The unit was trying to follow the Drug Unit protocol-). But on the 5th day the social worker told me my insurance was refusing to pay. I was sent home the next day.....to my relief.

 

When I got home I was still hallucinating, and was sure "they" were going to show up to take me back there. I wrote out instructions of what to tell "them" to my friend who stayed with me.

 

My acute withdrawal lasted about 3.5 weeks. Nothing cleared up quickly...it has always been a gradual, painstakingly slow process.

 

The hallucinations stopped after (I think!) about a week. But I still had physical stuff: abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea. Muscle twitches and cramping. My skin became ultra-sensitive, everything irritated or itched. My own hair felt itchy and "weird."

 

On Day 14 of this, I had a day when I "woke up". It was a profound feeling of awakening....and I "saw" how horrible my life had gotten. I see now that I was sereing everything with an exaggerated sense of negativity but I think I needed to do this. I saw how my health had gone bad, how my mind was failing. How I could no longer work. That I was dependant. I looked around my house and saw how filthy it was.

 

Believe it or not, cleaning my house was the very beginning of my recovery! I scrubbed and cleaned and scrubbed and cleaned. I wasn't to smart about it - used bleach on certain fabrics and items which ruined them....but hey, everything was CLEAN.

 

I began to develop a weird fear of insects, especially ants. I live in Florida: bugs are common here. And I had enormous gardens outside, which attract ants and other bugs. So, there were plenty inside the house.

 

But Fear became my worst and longest-lasting symptom. I was afraid of EVERYHING. It was beyond words, really. I felt so fearful I was tip-toeing around my house, with my butt muscles all tight.

 

I had several full-blown panic attacks, plus even worse night terrors. I thought I was going to die.

 

I knew I needed help, but because Id worked in the Psych field, I knew there wasn't much around, and I was still paranoid about being committed.

I began tentatively searching the internet for help with benzos. My firstb "hit", unfortunately, was a site labelled "BenzoBuddies." But it wasn't the real site, it was the site of a cazy man who HATES BB! I was terrified of this site, and gave up trying to find real help for quite a while.Every other group I found was no longer active.

 

But finally, I ventured back onto the net, and found the real BenzoBuddies.....and THEN I began, slowly, to understand what I was going through, get support and truly begin to get better.

 

I cannot thank this site enough. In fact, as I sit here typing, my eyes are filling weith tears. Im holding back sobs. I remember the deep relief I felt in learning that I had not gone crazy: this was withdrawal. I read what the Mods wrote about having faith that it will eventually get better and I trusted. Magrita and River Wolf were my heros: both offered me compassion and knowledge. I began making friends on BB, and am still close to several.

 

This is all so difficult to talk about. Im am sure I am forgetting things, but that's okay, I will add them when I remember. What is important is that I get this started.

 

Now, before I go any further, I want to tell you the good parts:

 

I am not the same person as the one who began this long journey. My health has gotten so much better. I no longer use the walker, nor even a cane. Sure, I still have osteoporosis, but I am NOT falling anymore. I fainted and fell twice during withdrawal (and broke a rib) but not since. My other health has improved: I no longer have IBS. The vast majority of physical symptoms have left, leaving a little tinnitus left. I have normal "old lady" aches and pain (I am 64 now). I am not severely depressed. I don't have social anxiety anymore, except mildly on occasion. I no longer feel that weird Terror.....oh, once in a while, it shows up but doesn't last long at all, and now I know what it is and am not worried.

What is left?

Well, I have severe insomnia. If I sleep 4 hours its a great night, Most nights, its 3 hours. I still am super-sensitive about dirt, grime, and am meticulous about cleaning. Bordering on obsessive but NOT a "weird" obsession. I am just very clean in how I try to live.  Sometimes, my skin is still too sensitive but again, I know what that's from and ignore it. Im still not very social, but maybe that's just how I am.

I read again! I love reading! I remember plots and characters now without trouble.

I have gotten back into my arts and crafts stuff, when I have the money for supplies.

I have developed new interests. I feed the neighborhood squirrels and birds and get such a kick out watching all that life going on outside.

I sold my house and moved into a rental apartment in a small town 20 miles North of my old place. I hated it at first (it was filthy when I moved in!) but Im getting to like it now.

 

One thing bad that happened during my withdrawal was losing four of my five cats. Some of you know about this....it was awful. First one, then another. And I was in no shape to handle it, so I stuffed it all inside and still deal with it.  A couple months ago, I adopted a new cat, Oreo. He was a declawed kitty someone abandoned. I was feeding him. But when I saw he was declawed, I brought him inside. And he's a doll. He and little Miss Peggy don't get along yet but they divided up the Territory, and co-exist with each other.

 

Time to take a break from this epic.

 

I love you all, and want you to know something......I know for a fact that I had one of the worst withdrawals known on this site. In fact, its hard to put it all into words you will understand. But it was simply awful, horrible, frightening, unbelievable. Yet - I have largely recovered! And if Eastcoast can get better...............YOU CAN.

 

eastcoast62 (Annie)

Thank you for sharing.

Forgive me for asking, how long have you been completely off? I'm having cognative issues and struggling to figure out based on your signature.

I'm glad you are feeling so much better.

Ive been close to taking my life because of this.

I'm nearly 4 mo off K CT and nearly 5 mo off AD CT. I didn't know any better at time.

I'm still struggling with so much, lots of pain... A LOT of pain, anxiety, no short term memory and scary cognative issues. I used to read a lot too but can't follow a plot or even feel normal emotions needed to read or watch tv.

I have no appetite or thirst reflex.

I havr started sleeping again but only a few hours at best and not very deep sleep. Nightmares every night. I wake to a flood of anxiety.

I pray all the time.

I almost never laugh, I used to love to smile and joke.

Success stories and some of the people reaching out to me is why I'm still alive. I don't know if I'll make it but I'm still here.

Thank you for sharing your story. Bless you and your kitties.